This Is More Important Than Your Pants Falling Down!

Previously on Dead Puppets' Society: Every flight out of Morocco was full for the year and a half, so it was all about standby, begging, and prayer. In Munich, history's creepiest puppet loomed, so it was best to get out of town and catch the Olympic spirit in Innsbruck. In other news, FloZach got hostile about a hostel, and Ken and Gerard retired a tire. Teri gave a hand to Derek and wanted a leg up in return, but he turned his back and went ahead. FloZach got the Fast Forward by just asking for it, and Ian and Teri got treated badly by...well, by just asking for it, actually. The Band of Brothers disbanded, and a navigation face-off gave an uncharacteristically zippy Derek and Drew an unexpected advantage over an uncharacteristically slow-pokey Ken and Gerard. In the end, Firecop folded and was finally Philiminated. Farewell, Firecop.

Now, Phil recaps the teams that remain: FloZach, with their baffling hair and puzzling relationship; Derek and Drew, whose many enemies have thus far been unsuccessful in toppling their toothy grins; Teri and Ian, who manage to combine tireless bickering with otherwise tiresome personalities; Jill and John Vito, who seem committed to the remarkable view that there are ways to communicate other than yelling; and Ken and Gerard, who have a way with both the cutting wit and the folding map. "Who will be eliminated..." Somewhere, a glacier carves out a new ski area. "�?" ""? Well, I suppose it's slightly more subtle than tattooing "Non-Elimination Leg" on phabulous Phil's photogenic phorehead.

Credits. Legend has it that a ghost ship can still be seen at the Rheinfall, carrying the ghost of a man who died after surviving an accidental drop over the falls and then going over again voluntarily. According to the American Chiropractic Association, a child's backpack should weigh no more than ten percent of the child's body weight. St. Peter's Church has Europe's largest clock face, at 8.7 meters in diameter. Grindelwald will host the twenty-eighth international curling championships in January 2003. Visitors are encouraged not to tamper with fences. [BOMP.]

Drunken cameramen try not to get tangled up in their lederhosen as they careen through the Alps. Phil reminds us that Neuschwanstein Castle and the nearby Lowerproductioncostenstein Meadow were the highlights of the most recent pit stop. Phil has temporarily abandoned the drab green button-down in favor of his gray T-shirt. I won't claim it's a great look, but for once he doesn't look like succumbed to the silky siren song of some glitzy catalog and blew his entire salary at The Rugged Executive Boutique. (Motto: "Just Because It's Casual Friday Doesn't Mean You Can't Kick Some Ass.") Phil also doesn't look quite as used-up and gaunt as he has recently. I think someone gave him a massage, a facial, and a really big sandwich. Man, where were these production people during Julie Chen's hour of need? Phil explains to us that as usual, when the contestants got there, they had the opportunity to eat, sleep, and mingle. By way of illustration, we see Ken and Gerard munching on pretzels, Ian snoozing (probably with his Jerk-o-Matic mechanism plugged into a wall socket for recharging), and Drew, Flo, Zach, and Kenny chuckling around the dinner table. Zach is doing his mingling in a yellow rain slicker with the hood up, so apparently, Zach knows what you did last summer. We also see some ale-drinking out in the meadow, the showing of which is contrary to the usual practice of concealing from the audience that the name of this segment should often be "eat, sleep, and booze your pants off." Unfortunately, however, FloZach's mugs seem to be filled with all foam and no ale. Wow, Blunt Metaphor Alert. Woop woop woop! At any rate, sealed envelopes, red-and-yellow flags, "clues," et cetera.

And now, for this week's semi-romantic interlude. Phil mentions that during this particular eat-sleep-mingle, "new bonds begin to form." Rather oddly, this is said over a shot of an unusually unglamorous Drew and Flo, in nearly identical black nerd glasses, taking a bite of food in unison. Not exactly up there with Alex and Tara's grainy back-room "strategizing," with the finger-quoting and the leg-wrapping and the foiling of the gruesome ex-husband. This is more like Love Among The Actuaries. In an interview, Drew acknowledges flirting with Flo. He wonders aloud, however, about what exactly is going on with Flo and Raincoat Man, and conveniently we once again see Zach fully decked out for, I suppose, the coming monsoon. You know, if Zach is trying to keep Flo on the hook, he might start with a wardrobe consult. Just a suggestion.

But enough listless lust -- on with the race. Something is seemingly afoot with FloZach's departure, because Phil says, "Flo and Zach, who were the first to arrive this morning, will depart at 10:02 PM." As a rule, he says, "Team so-and-so, who were the first to arrive at [blank] AM, will depart at [blank] PM." (I would point out to Phil that making things like this extremely conspicuous is one of the risks of standardizing your patter with militaristic precision.) But at any rate -- 10:02 PM. Flo rips open the clue, which says to go to a nearby farm and search a haystack for their clue. Dramatic and unsteady darkened-road footage sets an allegedly tense mood as Phil re-explains the clue in his usual redundant fashion. Farm. Hay. Search. Clue. We get it, Phil -- they're all one-syllable words, you know. As FloZach drives, Flo voices over that their relationship is so confusing that other teams can't even figure out what's up with it. Of course, considering who some of the other teams are, I don't think confounding them qualifies your relationship as any more confusing than, say, a childproof aspirin bottle, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

FloZach arrives at the farm and finds the haystack, which is marked by flags that seem a little unnecessary, given that the haystack is illuminated by enough harsh studio lighting to make Ashley Judd look like Phyllis Diller. Much to no one's surprise, Flo eyes the haystack with distaste. "I don't want to touch this," she complains, pawing it halfheartedly as if it were actually dripping with cow saliva this very minute. Zach wonders if perhaps climbing up on top of the haystack will yield some results, so he tries it. Flo, sarcastically: "Yeah, that's gotta be the..." She is cut off by his announcement that he found the clue. Ha! "Shut! Up!" she yells, and then cackles. He tosses her the clue, and she asks him to rearrange the haystack so it's not obvious where they got it. As he climbs down, she reads, "Your clue is waiting in the thunder of the Rheinfall." Phil explains that the teams will grab a ferry to Switzerland, and then hop a train to Schaffhausen, and then they'll have to get themselves to the Rheinfall, where the route marker is perched on a high rock formation rising out of what we are informed is the "largest waterfall in Europe." Very imposing, the Rheinfall. It makes me picture Ian and a barrel. Ian. Barrel. Barrel. Ian. Give me a minute, I need to finish my mental image. Aaah, thank you.

12:44 AM. Derek and Drew read the clue and scoot. Close attention to the Amazing Purse that Derek is carrying reveals that it is labeled, "Twins." I'd be interested to know what everyone else's Amazing Purse says. Teri and Ian's probably doesn't say "Asshat," I guess, and a crying shame it is, too. Drew interviews that he doesn't think trusting other teams is possible as they get "down to the nitty-gritty" of the race. "Hurry up, Derek, come on," he complains in the car. "We're in a race, by the way," he then needles, slapping the side of the driver's seat. Man, you pull that kind of thing in my car, and you will get a cigarette lighter right in the eye. My aim is excellent, and I don't even have to take my eye off the road. Safety first!

12:45 AM. John Vito and Jill open their clue and add the information that the teams have $240 for the leg. In a pit stop interview, John Vito says that although he and Jill are widely believed to be the nice team, they're willing to do whatever it takes to win. Jill is wearing her camo do-rag, so you know she means it. Fear the do-rag! That will definitely be one of the ridiculously overpriced accessories when Jill gets her own action figure.

FloZach arrives at the Friedrichshafen ferry terminal. (I must say, as lovely as everything is, I will be happy to leave Germany, spelling-wise.) Zach inquires about the ferries, and unsurprisingly, he finds that there's going to be a bit of a wait, because there are no 1:00 AM ferries. The first ferry doesn't leave until 5:41 AM, so it's time to settle in until morning. Unsurprisingly, Flo seems to have custody of Zach's yellow raincoat. We didn't see her moan, "Zaaaach, can I have your cooooat? I'm coooold," but it kinda makes you wonder.

12:53 AM. Team Asshat departs. Blessedly, Ian is letting his scalp breathe free today, and the Pepe Le Pew hat is nowhere in the picture. Maybe it was confiscated by the authorities. They don't take kindly to aesthetic crimes in Europe, you know. "Get in the car," he orders Teri. Then he voices over that no matter what happens, he and Teri have shown "all these young people" that while physical condition may deteriorate with time, the ability to act like a jerk can last well into middle age. Well, actually he says they've shown the youngsters that people their age "can be very competitive," but you can tell he's one of those people for whom the jackass/competitor line isn't too sharply drawn. Of course, I don't think he can even see the line from where he's standing, so perhaps his imprecision is to be expected. They discuss the route, and are convinced that the farm is "right up the road."

Derek and Drew find the farm. They voice their hope that Asshat is not right on their tails. While Asshat isn't on their tails, Jill and John Vito in fact are, so the two teams end up hunting for the clue simultaneously. "This is disgusting," Jill says, amused. Derek and Drew grab the clue first and get away from the haystack. Shortly thereafter, Jill finds one close to the top, tosses it to John Vito, and jumps down. JVJ and the twins read the clue and take off in their cars for the ferry terminal.

In the twin car, they mention that they intend to tell Asshat, if they run into them, that they haven't found the farm yet. They don't mention, incidentally, whether they have discussed this plan with John Vito and Jill. Asshat and the twins do, in fact, meet in their SUVs, driving in opposite directions. "Any luck?" Ian says in a phony-friendly fashion. Yeah, I'm sure they'll be buying that one, Wheedle-In-A-Haystack. "We're still looking," Derek fibs, and the two teams part. "I love being deceitful," Derek remarks as they drive away. , Ian confronts John Vito and Jill, who similarly deny any knowledge of where the route marker is. "That was evil," Jill mutters as they drive off. It is not, of course, evil. If you ask other teams for information at this point in the race, you deserve whatever you get in terms of its quality. This is particularly true when you ask for help and you have nothing to offer in return. Nevertheless, Jill and John Vito continue chuckling over the misdirection, speculating that they just may be going to hell for it. "Oh my God, I'm so rude," John Vito says with a guilty grin. Finally, Ian spots the flag. "They found it, they just lied!" Ian says, stunned that any team would fail to provide helpful information when asked. Apparently, he would gladly help any other team that needed an assist. What a fine human being Ian is! The twins and JVJ, meanwhile, cooperate to track down the ferry terminal on a map so they can keep moving.

At the haystack, Ian is still walking around muttering about how much everyone sucks for not helping him. Come to Ian's pity party, won't you? I hear there's going to be a band. He starts burrowing in the haystack, but Teri immediately spots a clue sticking out of the side of the haystack about four inches from where he's looking (luck of the evil!), and they turn tail and go.

2:42 AM. The Bald Snark, sucking flat-tire-induced wind on the departure time this morning, takes off. As they pack up, Gerard expresses again his sentiment that any time now, they're going to catch up and pass the other teams, and those teams will say, "Oh, brother, here those two come again." It really is hard to believe karma isn't kicking their asses for this whole "Oh Brother" thing, especially since they had the bad judgment to accompany it with a monogrammed hat. At the farm, Gerard dives into the haystack with gusto. Ken remarks in an interview that Gerard attacked it "like his morning coffee." Really? He attacks his morning coffee with both hands, throwing it behind him? That sounds a little messy to me. And painful. I could believe he's that way with cereal, I guess. Ken and Gerard find the clue and go. In their car, they work on psyching themselves up. "All the other teams, they're idiots! Idiots! I'm surprised they didn't oversleep this morning," Kenny bitches. "They're probably headed towards Italy, all those people," Gerard adds, "led by the Wonder Twins." Ooh, meow! How the Band of Brothers has fallen. Derek is so not sitting with them at lunch anymore.

In fact, however, Derek and Drew and Jill and John Vito are arriving at the ferry just as they're supposed to. Take that, Gerard! When they get there, they meet up with FloZach, and we have our first good look at Flo's unfortunate plaid hat. It's very Sherlock Holmes, if Sherlock Holmes were a sophomore at Sarah Lawrence.

Elsewhere, Ken and Gerard are again talking about how they're on their own now, because the BoB alliance is, "as they say in Germany, kaput!" They say "kaput" a few more times, because it's a fun word, like "fluctuate" and "zabaglione." After we see check in on Asshat arriving at the ferry terminal, we return to Gerard, cackling wickedly about how unhappy the other teams will be to see him and Kenny arriving at the ferry, catching the bunch. Asshat and the Bald Snark meet up at the terminal and have a discussion in which Teri tries to drum up some sympathy regarding the fact that JVJ and the twins misled them about not having found the haystack yet. Surprisingly enough, Ian now seems to have figured out that he has nothing to bitch about, because you can actually hear him muttering rather reasonably, "Well, you can't expect anybody to tell you..." But Teri is indignant: "Can you trust anybody? No." Aw, so pitiful. On the outside, Ken and Gerard nod semi-sympathetically. Kenny even covers his eyes, as if he's horrified at this development. On the inside, I suspect they are chortling. Elsewhere, Jill mentions to John Vito that she gets the impression Teri and Ian are angry with them. I'm sure Jill's heart is breaking, despite the fact that she probably followed up this remark by spitting on the ground.

At 5:25 AM, the teams prepare to depart on the ferry. Zach remarks that the teams are all together again, which he refers to as "bunched up." I'm telling you, that's the closest Im ever going to come to a shout-out, so I insist on taking it as such. Shout-out! Thanks, Zach! (Shut up, it's possible.) At 5:41, the ferry leaves. Gerard comments on the pretty ride to Switzerland, and in Romanshorn, they all disembark; it looks like it's still early morning. In one big traveling clump, they head for the train, which they're estimating will take about an hour to move them from Romanshorn to Schaffhausen. Jill and John Vito wind up having to sit in a different car than the other teams, due to a lack of seats, but John Vito figures it won't matter, because they'll all meet up hopping off the train later. A bit of teasing rears its lovely head on the train, as Ken remarks to Flo, "Right now, Zach's back hurts, because he's carrying you all the way." Ooh, ouch! "I know, it's a hard life," she comes back, not sure whether she's ready to be amused. I wonder if that remark, and the dismay it ought to inspire in her, will make her want to ensure that in this leg, she shifts for herself. Let's hope so! (Sigh.) The train arrives, and everyone makes for cabs, with Jill and John Vito running slightly behind. The Bald Snark gets out in the lead leaving the train, and as they run off looking for taxis, Gerard cackles happily again. This certainly is his day of cackling. That could get annoying really quickly, it seems to me. They get their taxi first. Then Asshat gets one. Then FloZach gets one. Then Derek and Drew get one. Jill and John Vito? Do not so much get one. The first taxi they find has no driver, and their luck only seems to deteriorate from there. In the Bald Snark cab, Ken and Gerard wonder what has become of JVJ, while back at the train station, JVJ despair over their cabless state. The rest of the teams eagerly direct their drivers in a caravan from the train station to the Rheinfall. Eventually, by switching to the other side of the tracks, Jill and John Vito manage to locate a taxi.

The Bald Snark hops temporarily out into the lead by getting the first cab out, but the first four teams ultimately arrive at the Rheinfall at about the same time. They all note the flag, which is smack out in the middle of the falls at the top of the tall jut of rocks. With the help of their driver, Derek and Drew spot the little boat that runs you out to the rock, and a dash to the boat ensues. Meanwhile, in the JVJ cab, they lament the fact that they've fallen behind. An intense-looking Jill stares ahead, doubtlessly wondering whether she could get there faster if she throttled the driver and took the wheel herself. The other four teams board the little boat, although Teri is lagging enough that Ian nearly leaves without her. She voices over that she thinks he generally tries to wait for her, but gets carried away and gets out ahead. I suppose that makes her feel better than the possibility that he's an inconsiderate horse's ass, and that he leaves without her because he can't be bothered to wait. In the boat, the teams wonder about the fate of the absent JVJ, and when it comes out that it was looking like they had taxi problems, Gerard says, "Taxi problems? Good." Wow. Getting pretty brutal in front of a lot of people, aren't you, Gerard? Ah, the smell of burning bridges.

In one of those sequences you know you wouldn't be seeing if it weren't about to be important, Gerard asks the boat pilot whether they can leave their bags on the boat. "Ya, ya," he says indifferently. Meanwhile, Jill and John Vito unhappily peer out from the shore to see the other teams in the boat, making their way to the rock. On the boat, there is more luggage talk. Derek opines that the boat pilot will clearly wait for them until they're ready to get back on the boat, while Zach supposes that there's no way they're going to need their bags anyway, so there doesn't seem to be any reason to take your bag with you. Gorgeous falls footage goes by as we contemplate this obviously bad decision.

Back at the dock, Jill and John Vito board Little Boat Two. Just as they take off, Little Boat One lands at the rock, and the four lead teams hop out, leaving their bags on the boat. They start the steep climb to the top, with Ian griping that he doesn't understand why people have to run. After all, it's not like it's some kind of a race.

Back at the dock, mournful music plays as Little Boat One -- which has at least one camera guy on it, evidently -- backs away, carrying everyone's bags. Up at the top of the stairs, Zach approaches the flag, unaware of the bad news below. Over on Little Boat Two, which is on its way across the water, Jill is noticing that Little Boat One has left without the teams it brought. I'm not sure she knows yet that they all left their bags; she just seems to be reacting to the fact that the boat doesn't stay and wait for you as a matter of routine. Back up at the route marker, Ken and Gerard grab their clue, while on Little Boat Two, Jill asks the boat guy if he'll wait while John Vito runs up and gets the clue, provided Jill stays on the boat with him. He agrees. There have been a lot of questions, incidentally, about whether it was a rules violation for them not to both climb up to the top, but Team Guido told us on the forums that the rules don't require you to both go all the way to the clue. They require you to read the clue together, but not necessarily fetch it together. (Thanks, Team Guido!)

Up on the rock, Asshat grabs the clue, and then the lead teams make their way down the stairs. They are, to say the least, startled to find that Little Boat One -- toting all their bags -- has left. (Zach: "My headbands! My headbands!" Okay, I guess that was only in my head.) As they ponder this unhappy turn of events, Little Boat Two arrives, carrying Jill and John Vito. John Vito jumps out, runs past everyone standing miserably at the slip, and makes a run for the clue. Jill stays with the boat, staring resolutely forward. Zach checks in with the driver of Little Boat Two, who confirms that Little Boat One has gone back to the dock and will return with the bags in due course, but if the lead teams hop on Little Boat Two to get back, they'll wave at their bags as they pass them coming in the other direction. Therefore, they're going to have to wait until Little Boat One returns if they want to claim their gear.

Now, there is a strange, tense moment at the slip as Jill stands on Little Boat Two, anxiously waiting for John Vito to return, and the other teams wait silently for the return of Little Boat One. Jill voices over that the other teams were evidently not happy that she "outfoxed them" by holding Little Boat Two at the slip so it didn't leave without her. It doesn't look here, by the way, like Little Boat One is waiting to get into the slip and being blocked; that appears to be something that could have happened, rather than something that actually did happen. When John Vito returns with the clue, he and Jill read it. It tells JVJ to go by train to Zurich, where they will find a historic town square called the Lindenhof, and an officer there who will direct them to an underground vault. Little Boat One is nowhere in sight as JVJ takes off in Little Boat Two. From his perch on the boat, John Vito blows a kiss to the crowd at the shore. Smug? Yes. But honestly, considering what a cool maneuver that was, I can't blame the guy. Heh -- I love surprise reversals.

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When we return, John Vito and Jill recap their successful maneuver in getting their boat to wait for them, while Derek laments how well it worked to put them ahead of the other teams. He also confirms that Little Boat One wasn't anywhere near being back yet when Little Boat Two left, so the "only room for one boat in the slip" thing in fact doesn't seem to have had any effect. Even had Jill not held the boat, she and John Vito would still have at least caught up to the other teams as a result of the bag abandonment, because the luggage-leavers were going to have to wait for the return of Little Boat One, so they could never have taken Little Boat Two back, no matter what Jill did. She was right before -- she outmaneuvered the other teams, and I don't even get the impression they're claiming otherwise. When they get back to the dock, JVJ starts looking for the train, as the lead teams finally pile into the returning Little Boat One and head for dry land.

Jill and John Vito ask for directions to the train to Zurich, and are told that they should bus it back to Schaffhausen (where they came in on the train before), and then grab the train to Zurich. Back on Little Boat One, though, one of the boat guys fills in the non-lead teams that they can walk to a train station right by the Rheinfall and can catch the train to Zurich from there. JVJ boards the bus to Schaffhausen, as everyone else scampers into the Rheinfall train station. Jill and John Vito are the new keepers of the transportation curse, I think. Every cab they get is slow, they get bad directions regularly, and they've been hosed by more near-misses than anyone. I sense an untipped cabbie somewhere in their past.

Waiting for the train, Ken sits on the ground with Flo, leaning on a pillar. "I got your girl," he says to Zach. Zach sits down amiably, not particularly biting on the bait. Kenny asks Flo when she thinks the two of them should start dating. "Immediately upon our return to the United States," she says with a grin. Kenny agrees that they can have their first date as soon as the show is over. Miss Alli's Dad: "Wait, is that Zach?" Miss Alli: "No, that's Kenny. He's gay, actually. He's just kidding." Kenny and Flo exchange a theatrical cheek-kiss, which is observed by a bemused Drew. You can almost see the red light flashing in his head and hear the buzzing noise. Run away, Drew!

At Schaffhausen, Jill and John Vito hop the train. Everyone speculates about everyone else's fate, as the teams at the Rheinfall train station speculate that JVJ is probably in Zurich already and JVJ wonders why other teams aren't on the train with them. Speculation isn't necessary for long, however, because when the non-lead teams hop on the Zurich express train at the Rheinfall station, it turns out to be the very same train JVJ hopped in Schaffhausen. The train pulls out and speeds past some very lovely scenery, which goes by at about a hundred and twenty miles an hour, according to the sped-up footage. Phil repeats exactly the explanation of the Lindenhof clue that he gave about ten minutes ago. As repetitive as Phil often is, this almost seems like a blunder of some kind -- it's hard for me to believe they actually intended to play Phil's spiel about the officer and the underground vault all the way through twice. Weird.

On the train, Flo walks up to Ken and Gerard, who are sitting -- with Ian! Ew! Zach is elsewhere, asking directions to the Lindenhof for when they get off the train, so he manages to miss out on this little powwow. Gerard quizzes Flo on the state of things between her and Zach -- are they boyfriend/girlfriend or what? She coyly remarks that they're just friends. "Flo, I'm telling you, don't let him get away," offers Ian, a clear authority on quality relationships. "Zach is a hell of a nice guy," he continues. "He puts up with all your bullshit, too." Heh. Yeah, that's actually fairly astute for a guy who apparently hasn't heard about any of the advances women have made in the last two or three hundred years. I suppose even stopped clocks are right twice a day and so forth. "Would you rather Drew?" Gerard asks her. She grins. "Oooh!" the Bald Snark comes back. "He's hot." This becomes Kenny's new refrain: "Drew's hot. Flo's hot. Flo's hot, Drew's hot." It's like a Dr. Seuss book. With some really funky and inappropriate drawings, I would expect. Somewhere in an interview, Flo comments that officially, she's on the trip with Zach, but Drew? Not too shabby, especially considering that he doesn't have the hair issues or the raincoat.

After Flo takes a little more "Drew's hot, Flo's hot" from Ken and Gerard, Ian adds that it's "chili pepper time." Now, see? Up until that moment, he had managed to socialize with moderate success for fully ten or fifteen seconds. But "chili pepper time"? Ew. In a Bald Snark interview, Kenny remarks that, considering his close relationship with Flo, he might have to "kick Drew's ass." This cracks Gerard up, not surprisingly. Tense music accompanies close-ups of Drew and Zach. Are you engrossed in the tantalizing story of Flo and Drew? Yeah, me neither. Wake me up if there's nudity.

It isn't until everyone is off the train in Zurich that the other teams realize Jill and John Vito have been there the whole way. The group emerges from the train station in one mega-bunch, as Gerard notes, and they make it to Lindenhof, the officer, and the underground vault at essentially the same time. And when they get there? Detour.

A Detour is a choice between two tasks, and it may be time to remind Ken and Gerard that when we say "choice," we mean you only have to do one of them. This week's Detour starts inside the vault, and the options are Count The Money or Run The Numbers. The clues are in five wall safes that open with a keypad combination. The two Detour options are two ways of getting the combination. In Count The Money, you count a fishbowl full of Swiss money that's sitting right by the safe, and when you total up the money, the amount will be the combination. In Run The Numbers, you complete three mini-tasks out in the city around the vault. It's a sort of scavenger hunt that will take you as far as a mile away. The three steps are to count how many trees in a park are marked with red ribbons; add up the numbers on the face of a church tower clock; and write down a number that appears on a particular statue. (If you want to know how cool the music guys are, note that there are church chimes mixed into the tense music when the church tower is first shown.) Those three two-digit numbers will make up the combination as well. This is a very good Detour, I have to say -- well thought out, challenging either way, not obvious as to the right choice, and interesting to watch. Thumbs-up on the Detour design. More like this, please.

Jill arrives at the vault slightly ahead of John Vito, and she leans out the doorway, calling to him. When Ian and Teri get there, they have trouble squeezing by her, and he whines exasperatedly, "Please don't block." She lets him by, insisting that she isn't blocking and asking Ian to "chill out." I don't think she was blocking on purpose, but I don't blame him for wondering, considering how evident it is that everyone hates his guts. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you, and so forth. The Bald Snark chooses Count The Money, while the other four teams go for Run The Numbers. The twins and FloZach decide to cooperate in finding the answers to the scavenger hunt. Ooh, fear the powerful alliance of Nerd Lust! Ken and Gerard dump out the bowl and start counting the money.

Nerd Lust starts out to count the trees in the park. On the screen, a helpful caption fills us in on the fact that the correct answer is fifty trees. JVJ, meanwhile, starts by looking for the statue. Asshat is starting with the trees as well, and they're already snapping at each other. Teri, reading: "How many marked trees..." Ian: "What are we counting, Teri?" Teri: "The trees!" Ian: "What are we counting?" Teri, louder: "The trees!" Miss Alli's Mom: "Can I request someone else to represent my age category?" Nerd Lust concludes that there are forty-seven marked trees. Asshat concludes that there are forty-three, which Ian incidentally gets by adding twenty-one and twenty-four. That sound you hear, by the way, is four hundred thousand math teachers weeping into their protractors. Finished with the trees (or so they believe), Nerd Lust heads for the church. They see that it is a standard clock face, so they just have to add the numbers from one to twelve. The helpful screen prompt clues us in that the right answer is seventy-eight. Zach helpfully starts off with, "Three plus two plus one is five." Well, hey -- he's only off by one. Precision is overrated. "Drew and I just could not figure out what the sum of those numbers was," Zach laments. I suppose it is hard to walk and add at the same time. Zach and Drew are not so much at the multi-tasking. JVJ finds the statue with the big "12" on it. Asshat gets to the clock numbers, adds them up, and gets seventy-seven. Heh. And Ian did the counting, too. And as we know, when he makes a decision, it's a decision, so Teri had better write it down and not ask questions. Questions like, for instance, "Did you pass or fail third-grade math?"

Back at the vault, Gerard and Ken are sorting and counting. In the park, Asshat is walking and arguing. "Wait a second," Teri says. "Well, they're all getting ahead of us," Ian bitches with a Dawson-esque arm-flap. Elsewhere, Zach and Drew are still trying to balance ambulatory function and arithmetic skill, as Flo and Derek keep an eye out for the street where the statue is. If you listen closely, you can hear Drew and Zach finally land on seventy-eight. Asshat is also on its way to the statue, and Ian again is raising his arms in frustration. "Come on, you gotta run, Teri," he snots, his hands on his hips like a nagging gym teacher. All he needs is a whistle and a clipboard. As Nerd Lust hunts for the statue, JVJ peeks at the clock. The results? Nerd Lust accurately records the 12, but as JVJ walks back to the vault, Jill adds up the clock numbers and gets seventy. Oh, dear. She also gets there by way of "sixty-eight, seventy," so I have to wonder how in the heck she added the numbers together.

Nerd Lust and JVJ arrive back at the vault, where the Bald Snark is still counting. In an interview, Zach talks with great amusement about the large number of stacks of coins with which the brothers were wrangling. Yeah, mock away, Zach, and get back to me when you can get from one to six without any mistakes. Back at the vault, Gerard sees the teams returning and panics. "I think we should go; I think we should abort," he says. Ack! "We should abort, we should abort, we should abort," he repeats. They pack up their stuff, afraid of falling behind the Numbers-Runners. They're unaware, for one thing, that this task was as tricky as it was, and that Run The Numbers might require you to go out looking more than once. In any event, they bail on the counting. In the same Alpalicious interview that has spawned much of their recent hilarity, Kenny mocks Gerard's ultra-serious barks of "Abort! Abort!" "Like we're some kind of space shuttle or something," he comments. They take to the streets to Run The Numbers. I'm telling you, they are going to get seriously burned by this task-switching if they keep doing it.

Nerd Lust tries out the combination with which they've returned, and they find that it's wrong. You'll recall that they have the number of trees wrong. In the park, Jill and John Vito peg the number of trees at forty-nine, and she's still got the clock numbers wrong as well. They run in to try the vault and find that Nerd Lust is still there, wondering what to do.

Meanwhile, Asshat continues looking for the statue.

Nerd Lust narrows their problem down to tree-counting, and dashes out again to look. JVJ sees that their combination doesn't work either, and they, too, suspect that they have the trees wrong. Jill looks up at JV anxiously, but he just says they need to turn around and go back to the trees. "We'll write it down," he says evenly as they jog back toward the park. "We'll break it up into sections." It's really funny, but I get the feeling they function just about exactly the opposite way from what the relevant stereotypes would tend to suggest -- she gets overwound and jumpy, and he keeps his cool so she doesn't fly off into space. Whatever they're doing, it seems to work very well for them. Nerd Lust counts trees. JVJ counts trees. As Jill scribbles tree notes, she mutters to herself, "Seventy-eight on the clock numbers...I did that totally wrong." Hee. Jill and John Vito run back to the vault, and they are the first to get the combination right. We don't see anyone in there with them, but it seems like there might be someone, because John Vito stops her from saying out loud what the combination was. Hmm. They collect their clue. It tells them to take a train to Grindelwald, where they'll look for a route marker in a field. For some reason, the clue box is among several giant baskets of apples. Pie! Pie! Pie! (Sorry. Thanksgiving dinner is still happily rattling around in my stomach.)

As the Bald Snark spots the "12," Nerd Lust recounts trees. Returning to the vault, they get the safe to open at last. They're off, looking for the train. Asshat has yet to get back to the vault. As Nerd Lust runs through the streets, they note that Asshat seems to have vanished, and Flo expresses disbelief that the Bald Snark even tried to count all the money. "I mean, we couldn't even add up one through twelve," Zach agrees. Well, at least he's appropriately chagrined. Elsewhere, the Bald Snark adds the clock numbers.

At the Zurich train station, Jill and John Vito run in. A bit behind them, Nerd Lust shows up. Back in town, Asshat spots the "12" and heads for the vault, while in the train station, Jill and FloZach chat about Ken and Gerard's decision to start with the money-counting. "They aborted; they aborted mission," Zach clarifies. Snerk. The mission-aborting brothers, by the way, are counting the trees. After getting different answers the two times that he counted, Gerard is growing frustrated.

Train station. Jill and John Vito buy their train tickets, and are told that they have about three minutes to catch the train. They run for the track.

Asshat, dismayed to return to the vault and find that three safes are already open. Ha!

Gerard, correctly counting the fifty trees.

11:33 AM. Jill and John Vito, running for the train.

Ken and Gerard, returning to the vault to find Ian and Teri already there. Actually, this makes Gerard cackle again.

11:34 AM. Jill and John Vito, running for the train. Upstairs, Drew hopes they don't catch it.

As Gerard punches the code into the safe, he asks Ken to cover the numbers with his hand so Asshat doesn't cheat off them. The numbers Gerard punches in are correct. As they grab their clue and start to leave, Teri turns to Kenny and asks what the last number (the number of trees) is. Is she out of her mind? This is the hard part of the Detour! Why is anyone going to tell you? Why doesn't she just ask them to give her some of their money? "I'm sorry, honey," Ken says, and leaves. Teri tilts her head, as if in disbelief, and makes a face. Man, that was so ridiculous. "I'm like, 'Sorry, kisses, love you...bye!'" Kenny interviews. Hee. Teri has perhaps the most seriously screwy sense of entitlement I've ever seen on this show.

11:35 AM. Jill and John Vito miss the train by probably about thirty seconds. That's gotta hurt. "We were right here!" Jill says to JV in frustration. Dang. She notes that had they made that train, they would have been an hour ahead. Did someone say something about a transportation curse?

Commercials. There's something cosmically appropriate about Wayne Newton shilling for Target.

John Vito reiterates that missing that train was rather a sucky development. Elsewhere in the station, Nerd Lust prepares for their 12:35 departure. Drew voices over about how helpful the Nerd Lust alliance is at this point. He comments on how alliances shift quite a bit, depending on what's "convenient." It's almost as if they're mutually opportunistic and transitory, not that anyone would have ever noted that before.

Asshat heads out of the vault to count the trees again. As he and Kenny walk to the train station, Gerard explains that Asshat is stuck in last place, "in a bad way." They're getting out of it, though, as they split the counting and come up with fifty at last. As Gerard and Kenny continue to stroll, Gerard manages to wander right onto the tracks, and comes uncomfortably close to being smacked by a cable car, until Ken reaches over, grabs his arm, and pulls him back. If you look carefully at where Gerard was walking, he really did come close to getting bumped, no joke. "Kenny, I owe you my life," Gerard teases, but...he sort of does. That was not a good situation.

Asshat enters the right combination and escapes the Detour at last. "We're in a hurry, come on, we don't have all day," he snots at her, because...well, why wouldn't he? She's there, isn't she? I particularly like how eager he is to get going, considering that when he punched in the combination and the safe opened, he stood there and waited for her to actually physically open it. Well, I guess there's no "shut up" in "team." They leave the vault, and we pick them up again at the train station. "Ian, right here," she says, calling him "Eye-an" again. Apparently, by the way, there's a clip on the CBS site where she explains that the way his mother named him, it's supposed to be "Eye-an," but that he prefers "Eee-an." But she calls him "Eye-an." I find that uproariously funny, because there could be no story more emblematic of the pointlessly contentious, unfriendly way they both act on a regular basis. The notion of refusing to pronounce your husband's name the way he prefers to have it pronounced because you've decided that he's wrong strikes me as absolutely bizarre. I have to say, I would think you'd give him that much. Even if he's Ian.

Ken and Gerard stop into a flower shop and ask for directions. They're told that they need to make a left at the church. Derek, now again dogged by Asshat, gets directions and takes Nerd Lust in the same direction that the Bald Snark went -- left at the church. In a jiffy, Nerd Lust passes Gerard and Ken. Elsewhere, Jill and John Vito continue looking for the right road. Jill voices over that no matter how bad things got, they just kept going, because you never know what's going to happen in the race. Flo is running with Derek and Drew toward the church, with Zach dragging behind. After we quickly check in with Asshat, asshatting that they can "smell" the "bad guys" nearby, we return to Flo, who redeems herself slightly by taking her bag back. The Bald Snark is trying to keep an eye on Nerd Lust, but doesn't manage to keep them in sight. Asshat now passes Ken and Gerard, with Ian yammering something about "giv[ing] them the 1-2-3." "Just wait," Teri says flatly. "My pants are falling down." Hee.

Jill and John Vito continue wandering.

"We gotta go," Ian snots to Teri again. "My pants. Are falling. Down," Teri says again. "This is more important than your pants falling down," he snots back. "Oh, you think so?" she says. "I know you are, but what am I?" he asks. Oh, no, I'm sorry. What he actually says is, "Yeah, I think so. You're not modest." She makes him stop, and insists that he come around behind her and pull her pants up. She hoists her pack up a little, and he pulls up her pants. This is beginning to make me think that someone who cuts tape for this show doesn't like this team very much, because there isn't a whole lot of purpose to this footage except that to demonstrate what unpleasant people they are. Which, of course, is why I love the way this show is edited. Anyway, once her pants are hoisted, he insists that now they have to run.

The Bald Snark and Nerd Lust reach the church and make the left. Ken and Gerard take a cut to the left again, up a set of stairs. Gerard interviews that he thought it was a worthwhile risk to try to get away from the pack. Yeesh. At any rate, it goes bad almost immediately, and they wind up lost in a field. They try to scramble up the side of a hill, but things aren't looking great. I think there's no question that Ken and Gerard's biggest racing flaw at this point is a tendency to overthink things, and I have to wonder if they're going to outsmart themselves sooner or later.

Jill and John Vito find their way to a taxi stand, of all things.

Nerd Lust gets near the pit stop, and they make a turn up the road. It's uphill again, so ebbing Flo once again hands her pack to Zach. As soon as she gives him her pack, Flo takes off running. "Come on! Like we want it!" he urges.

Elsewhere, the Bald Snark is still lost.

Asshat keeps on trekking up the road. "Either step aside or walk," Ian orders from behind Teri, whom he apparently believes is walking too slowly. "Go on this side," she bitches. "I can't," he snots. "I don't know why I'm always the one who has to move." My God, make it stop.

Flo spots the pit stop flags. "I see it! Come on!" she yells. Zach very humorously interviews that as soon as she handed him her pack, Flo started urging him to go faster. Miss Alli's Brother-In-Law: "Carry your own pack, slacker." Nerd Lust heads for the mat. Zach dumps both packs by the side of the path so that they can move faster, which she endorses.

Welcome, Derek and Drew, you are team number one. I guess they haven't gotten their Easy-Share cameras yet, but they get them now. "Woo hoo!" Derek says, doing his best for the product placement fairies.

Welcome FloZach, you are team number two.

John Vito and a sweaty Jill manage to get themselves into a cab for the chalet. Asshat finds the pit stop flag, while Ken and Gerard continue wandering somewhat aimlessly in the hills. The JVJ cab progresses.

Asshat reaches the mat. "Get with me, we do it together," Ian orders coldly. They hold hands reluctantly, and step onto the mat. Welcome, Team Asshat, you are team number three. Phil tries to give them a broad smile to make up for the intense hatred he flung in their direction last week. They hug with as little affection as possible.

The Bald Snark figures out that they're actually above the meadow where the mat is. Aargh! They wonder if they're third, not realizing that they're now in a race for fourth. They run into a bunch of goats and a barbed-wire fence on their way back down the mountain, as a stressed-out Jill and John Vito sit nervously in the back of their cab. Gerard half-collapses the fence. Goat #1: "Freedom! We have a chance at freedom!" Goat #2: "Not now, I'm eating a shoe." The JVJ cab pulls in at the chalet, but they have a long run down the path to the mat. JVJ and the Bald Snark spot each other, making for the mat from different directions, and they start to peel for the finish.

The music thumps. Ken and Gerard run from above. Jill and John Vito run from the path. Ken and Gerard slide under a fence. Jill and John Vito slide under a fence. Ken and Gerard, tearing toward Phil. Jill and John Vito, tearing toward Phil. BOOM! Ken and Gerard land on the mat. Welcome, Bald Snark, you are team number four. It really was close, because John Vito comes up right behind them as the Bald Snark is being told they're in fourth place.

Jill and John Vito step up to the mat. "John Vito and Jill," Phil intones, "you are the last team to arrive." They stare at him in horrified anticipation. "The good news is..." Jill and John Vito's faces break with relief as Phil explains that this is, as the eighth leg has been in past seasons, one of the non-elimination points, meaning that they are indeed in last place, but they're still in the race. Jill hyperventilates as she comes down from the race to the finish, and she actually makes a little squeaky noise as she tries to get her breath. John Vito encourages her to kneel down for a minute. "I'm okay, I'm okay," she insists. "Just kneel down, you'll feel better," he says, and she does. "I almost had a heart attack," she says to him with a smile. "I don't like coming in last," he says warily. "This is not fun. I guess we needed a taste of it," Jill says.

In an interview montage, Derek and Drew say that they weren't very happy that it was a non-elimination leg, because I think they were looking forward to eliminating JVJ. Gerard points out that the race is "tense," reiterating that the twins are a major threat to win, and he wants them to go home as soon as possible. Flo says she and Zach think they can win, and Ian says the leg will be a killer.

Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.

week: Bungee jumping. Teri falling off a bike. Flo yelling at Zach (again). Derek yelling at Drew (again). Flo throws stuff. Woooo!