I'm Supposed To Be Indebted To Her For The Rest Of The Race?!

Previously on Stop, Or My Domineering, Creepy-Ass Husband Will Shoot: Folks fled Fez. Teri and Ian got bitchy about a cab, and Flo and Jill got itchy about the Fast Forward. Ian and Teri sucked rocks, but bucked the competition and lucked into a magic carpet ride to first place. Firecop was led astray, and then a-scared, and then a-screwed. In the end, though, their poor showing was no match for the even more hapless Team Aahab, who couldn't make up the time they lost during Dieselfest '02 and consequently discovered that bad karma is indeed the gift that keeps on giving. Wooo! "Who will be eliminated..." The mountains crumble, Gibraltar tumbles. "�tonight?"

Credits. Two beer gardens near the standing wave on the Eisbach River have recently become pilot sites for outdoor wireless Internet surfing. (Get it?) The 1964 Innsbruck Olympics marked the return of bobsledding to the games. According to tire industry experts, improper inflation is the cause of most sudden tire failure. Munich became the capital of the Bavarian kingdom in 1806. In addition to his friends Seppel and Gretel and his grandma, common characters in Kasperle plays include the crocodile, the robber, the wizard, the king, and the queen. Maria von Trapp's son Johannes has a master's degree in forestry from Yale, and runs the Trapp Family Lodge in Stowe, Vermont. [BOMP.]

Extra-vigorous music and especially enthusiastic careening bring us back to Marrakech, Morocco and the extremely pretty Riad Catalina. Phil is going Army-drab again this week, and draped in his dark green shirt, he reminds us that this was the sixth pit stop in this big race they're having. If you win, they give you money! Phil throws in a marvelous little eyebrow-pop here, which I choose to believe is directed at me personally. We see a few shots of the teams landing on the mat and so forth, and then it's time for the Eat, Sleep, and Mingle segment, featuring the belly-dancing stylings of a wiggle-rific Ken and Gerard and a stomper-rific Derek and Drew. Phil explains about figuring it out for yourself, and about the sealed envelopes, and about the Expo Hands. As he wonders aloud about the fate of Teri and Ian, we get a shot of Asshat that offers some enlightenment about why that Pepe Le Pew hat has been so ubiquitous -- man, the last time I saw an unnaturally dark comb-over that bad, I was watching Ron Popeil hawk I Can't Believe It's Not Hair! spray on TNN at 4:30 in the morning. Phil also wonders whether FloZach, JVJ, or Firecop -- the three remaining teams who still have their Fast Forward options -- will take the opportunity to shriek, charge, or wander (respectively) into the lead.

3:25 AM. Teri and Ian. Teri apparently isn't sure that the concept of the race is clear to people who have only seen six episodes, so she starts by saying, "It's time to leave Marrakech, let's see where we're going." Hey, Teri, I know! You should look in that sealed envelope! I bet it has a clue in it! Figure it out for yourself! Criminy. She opens the clue, which tells them that they need to fly to Munich, Germany. One of the themes of this episode is Let's Make Miss Alli Spell Hard Things In German (And Let's Make Phil Pronounce Them), and it all starts with Friedensengel, which is the statue they need to find when they get to Munich. Near the statue, they will find Kasperle, who appears to be Germany's most famous really, really annoying puppet. He has a big hat with a tassel on it that he swings around in a jaunty fashion. I hate this puppet on sight. I am almost spurred to action of some sort, but somehow, I think it would be impolite to react to someone else's beloved children's icon by opening up a stand nearby and selling souvenir T-shirts that say "DIE PUPPET DIE." Anyway, Kasperle The Detestable Puppet has the clue.

Ian, in his ugly hat and salmon-pink grampa-shirt (wow, perfect for golf AND misogynist haranguing!), leads his unfortunate wife off the mat, and they depart the Riad Catalina. Apparently, the first challenge in this leg of the race is getting out of the building, which you wouldn't think would present too much of a problem, unless you've watched these contestants before. I honestly think some of them couldn't find the keg at a frat party. Outside, Ian impatiently snots at the Asshat cab driver that they'll be going to the airport, and orders him to open the trunk. The driver already has regrets about stopping, I'm sure, but there's nothing he can do now. As Ian drives along with his wife, vacant and dead-eyed expressions on both their faces, he voices over that he's waited a terribly long time to hear Phil welcome him to the mat first, and now he has finally achieved his goal. "If we run a clean race from here on out, and not make any more major mistakes, we should be in a good position to run for the gold at the end." Ian, Ian, Ian. Bunching, dude. Look. It. Up. It's going to track you down, throw you against a wall, and give you a wedgie you will never forget.

At the airport, Team Asshat looks up at the Arr/Dep board, and they discuss two possible routes -- one through Paris, and one through Zurich. It appears at this point that they're just trying to get to Europe on one of a very small number of available flights, rather than book a specific connection, because one of the reasons Ian wants to go through Zurich is that he simply thinks it's closer to Munich than Paris is. "We need to leave these guys in the dust," Ian says. Wow, I agree with him. I think the race is almost over. They should just give him the money now. That's some lead he's developing, and it's hard to believe that anything could jeopardize it, as long as nothing that has ever happened on the show before ever happens again.

5:19 AM. FloZach. A surprisingly mellow-looking Flo reads a part of the clue that we didn't see with Asshat -- "You have a dollar for this leg of the race." For whatever reason, this makes Flo laugh heartily instead of whining, and this is the first time I can see her the way people who like her probably do. I have to squint, though. (She also pronounces the name of the statue "Friggen-snengle," which is just funny.) As they leave, Zach voices over that there are "ups and downs, emotionally" in his situation with Flo. It becomes pretty clear that this morning is a "down," because neither of them can find their way out to the street. As they wander aimlessly down the long corridors of the Riad Catalina, Flo notes the presence of "a lot of stray animals." Hey, at least it's not a temple of rats. She blames Zach, saying that she asked him to find out before how they were supposed to get out, and he had said he knew how. And of course, it was his job and not her job to find out...for some reason that I'm sure would make perfect sense if she explained it. Zach is wearing his forehead light again, which makes me laugh only because it's one of those things that's such a good idea by any rational standard, and yet so hard to resist mocking.

Flo voices over that "sometimes [she's] tough on Zach," because he can be so mellow that he becomes downright unmotivated. She may be right, but it's also true that in a number of situations (the diesel incident comes to mind), he's had to remain calm and figure out what to do because she has a tendency to go right out of her bongos and collapse into a fetal position in the presence of stress. She complains about the "rabid cats" in the corridors. A cat runs by. "Go away, crazy mean lady!" it mews.

5:20 AM. Ken and Gerard. They voice over that they're going to get ahead by doing what they've been doing -- running a good race, not getting too excited, and flying "under the radar." I'm not sure I think that finishing near the top of most legs qualifies as flying "under the radar," and I'm not sure that flying "under the radar" means much on a show like this where it's not really possible to effectively target a particular team and force them out, as the HugeTinies tragically learned. Nevertheless, I forgive Gerard for this rather incomprehensible comment, because he is the little bald map-man, and he makes me giggle.

5:27 AM. Derek and Drew. They explain that the first leg was really stressful for them (with the almost losing their backpacks and the blowing half the navigation and everything), and they've had a lot more fun since they got into the middle section of the race and got hooked up with the BoB alliance. Did Derek always have that arm, or is that new? Just asking.

Outside, FloZach grabs a cab in the direction of the airport, and is followed closely by BoB. In the Twincab, Derek says that they're wondering what you can possibly do on a leg for which you were given only a dollar. ("A Detour is a choice between two vending machines, each with its own pros and cons.") They comment that they're pretty solid with money, so they're not terribly concerned, just curious.

5:32 AM. Jill and John Vito. Her hair is down, very curly and Clairol Herbal Essence today. I have to admit that doesn't seem especially practical to me, but then, I'm sure that even if she had a beehive and a poodle skirt, she could crush me like a roach, so let's just pretend I didn't say anything. Jill explains in a voice-over that she and John Vito are both "strong-minded," but she thinks that it leads them to make better decisions and to ultimately work together really well. That may explain the lack of screen time -- not enough petty arguing. I think we've pretty well established by now that relationship functionality is really bad for your entertainment career. They get a cab outside as well.

Asshat at the airport. They've apparently chosen to go to Zurich on a flight that leaves at 6:05 AM. At 5:43, FloZach pulls up in their cab and makes a mad dash inside, with the Band of Brothers close behind. As Asshat boards the 6:05 flight, Ian voices over that he and Teri aren't aligned with anyone, though he fails to point out that this is because no one likes him. He claims that his philosophy is "be focused, stay the course." And "be all up the recapper's nose," of course, although he leaves that part out. He, Teri, and the hat walk in the direction of their plane. Meanwhile, the twins bring some information to the Bald Snark and FloZach that the only flights that look at all promising on the Arr/Dep board are the ones to Paris and Zurich. Speaking of Zurich, however, it appears to be too late for that flight, because here goes Asshat Airlines, on its way. The Amazing Yellow Line on The Amazing World Map springs to life and valiantly traces the route, though it is not any happier about accompanying Teri and Ian than the rest of us would be.

Inside, the airport is not a hospitable place today. BoB is informed by a ticket agent that the only remaining way to Munich from Marrakech is to go through Paris, but the Paris flight is already overbooked, so the odds of getting four people on it (let alone eight or twelve) are essentially zero. Without Kevin to make absurd googly eyes at some sweet-faced girl at the ticket counter and finagle seats out of thin air, BoB is stuck with the less desirable option of changing airports entirely. The ticket guy recommends Casablanca, and it turns out they can get a little hop-flight there that's taking off soon. BoB as well as JVJ and FloZach choose this option, so the four teams all climb on what looks like quite a little plane for the hop to Casablanca, where they hope to find a reversal of their airport fortunes. They take off for Casablanca at 6:45 AM, accompanied by a lethargic Amazing Yellow Line, which has slowed to a crawl for this very short distance.

7:04 AM. Firecop. They open the clue and proudly display the one dollar they're given for the leg. As they go, Andre comments that finds the dollar a little piddly, and says he would at least have liked to get four quarters. Heh. He goes on to say that they've already overcome a lot of "adversity" to get to where they are. It's certainly true that they've gotten some bad breaks, particularly lately. They discuss the fact that when the "chips are down," they keep going. They get a cab for the Marrakech airport and head out, dearly hoping to run into a clump of other teams bunched up at the airport, which really isn't an entirely unreasonable expectation, given the time of day.

When Firecop gets to the Marrakech airport, they head inside. They get the same news that the other teams got -- everything leaving the Marrakech airport today is sold out up the ying-yow. Andre quickly starts pressing to leave the airport and take a train to Casablanca (presumably, there was no flight available) that would get them there in about three hours, at which point they could try flights again. Damon wants to do a little more checking before they go, which irritates Andre to no end, because he feels like the verdict has already come in loud and clear. "He just doesn't want to listen," Andre mutters.

Meanwhile at the Casablanca airport, the teams who hopped there from Marrakech scamper from their little plane. The first desk Jill visits offers her a nice slam in the face. "It's not possible, all flights to Europe are overbooked," says the woman behind the desk. Big meanie. She's lucky Jill doesn't pick her up and toss her across the room, yelling, "Overbook this!"

In Marrakech, Firecop bails on the airport and heads for Casablanca. They initially plan to take a train, but when they get their taxi for the station, he offers to take them all the way to Casablanca for a hundred bucks or so, so they go with that option. They've presumably managed to hang on to some money, and this is probably a situation where it's not a bad idea to spend some of it, because the taxi could presumably be quite a bit faster than the train, and they're clearly in trouble at this point. In the cab, Andre is still unhappy about the delay back at the airport while Damon persisted in checking flights, but Damon is convinced he was right. That is the most boring argument ever.

The Casablanca airport, meanwhile, is not initially turning out to be a whole lot more promising than Marrakech. As they would say on Sesame Street, this episode is brought to you by the word "full," and by the letters S.O.L. The teams break off into their two predictable subgroups -- BoB works together, as do the crumbling remains of the HugeTinies in the form of FloZach and JVJ. Derek and Flo have a little bickerfest at a ticket counter where he, all smiles on the outside but at least partly serious on the inside, accuses her of being a dirty rat of a player and explains that she and Zach aren't trustworthy the way Gerard and Kenny are. Note that here, Flo claims that she "doesn't like to be nasty." Flo and Derek are ultimately united, though, by their shared hope that Firecop won't show up in time to bunch with them, because everyone loves a leg where there's one team that's practically out of the picture. Man, through that entire scene, I am completely distracted by Derek's noisy and overzealous gum-chewing. I have a feeling it's because he's squelching the tension of the conversation so he can pretend to be friendly.

While the airport is still being worked, here comes Firecop. It's not clear how long the other teams have been at the Casablanca airport by the time Firecop gets there, but it's presumably a while, since Andre commented that it was 7:45 AM when they were in the Marrakech airport, and that's the same time that the rest of them landed in Casablanca. Damon is deliriously happy to see the other teams in the airport when they arrive, but I think he doesn't realize yet that it's going to be a very difficult experience trying to book flights. Difficult or not, Zach laments the arrival of Firecop, complaining that the "whole lead is destroyed." Flo complains in a quick interview that Firecop is believed by the other teams to "piggyback on other people," so she's ready for them to go. (As Flo explains this, there is a hilarious shot of Andre leaning over Zach's back to listen while he and Flo are working on getting tickets. Nice touch.) Flo then decides to put her powers of Italian to use for evil, rather than good. She goes to the Lufthansa guy and tells him that she and Jill are working together, and that he should put both of their teams on the flight, but that there are these guys (i.e. Firecop) following them, and the ticket guy shouldn't let those guys on the flight. Yes, this is stupid, and I don't approve of it, and she shouldn't have done it. I think it didn't offend me all that much because it struck me as a pretty pitiful attempt -- I never believed this would do anything to keep Firecop off the flight, so I guess it made me roll my eyes more than anything else. She is chuckling the whole time, so I don't even think she thinks it's going to work, really. Furthermore, I do think it was born out of her extreme frustration that Firecop was mooching off of everyone else's work to get from one place to another, and while it didn't justify what she did, it did make me think that she had motives other than meanness, and I don't think it mattered much in the end. For better or for worse, she remarks that she and Zach are first on the waiting list for a three o'clock Lufthansa flight. "I wonder what she was able to negotiate," Damon wonders. "I don't know," Andre replies.

Just behind them, a hustling Jill and John Vito hop out. Yay! Welcome, Jill and John Vito, you are team number three. And you are, I would point out, the only team who will have a Fast Forward available after this point. Not bad. That will make the calculus of when it's most advantageous to go for it a lot less complicated.

A helpful fellow removes the spare tire from under Ken and Gerard's SUV. They applaud. He puts the tire on for them.

Asshat arrives at the castle. They step on the mat. And this is seriously the funniest Phil moment of all time (it won't be for long, but it is for now). If you look at Phil's face as he welcomes them to the mat, he literally makes this little face like he's going to throw up. He says, "Teri and Ian," and then he makes the face. I have my TiVo paused on the face right now, as I write this. And the face says, "I have just eaten bad shrimp." Only it's not bad shrimp, it's just Teri and Ian. He tells them they're team number four. But Phil knows the truth.

A very pessimistic Gerard is sure as they approach the castle that they're going to be sent home. Ken tells him not to talk that way. "You gotta be in it to win it, Gerard, we're not givin' up yet." "Listen, Maria Von Trapp," Gerard snaps, "that's your fantasy world. We're hours behind." They talk about their fear of elimination as they park at the castle. They run across the field toward the mat, half-laughing. "Phil!" Kenny yells. And then he mutters, still running, "Oh, he's too serious." Phil fixes Ken and Gerard with the hardest, coldest, most depressing stare he can muster. "Ken and Gerard," he says in a dark tone. They look back at him. And then, as I have been waiting to see someone do ever since Phil got so out of control with the dramatic pauses, they completely crack up. They just dissolve in giggles. "Lay it on us, Phil," Gerard says. "You're team...number five," Phil delivers flatly. Ken and Gerard turn to each other, and -- you guessed it: "YAAAY!" They hug and laugh. Gerard waves his fists at the sky. "We're alive!" he yells. Damn, they are too cute. They are right up there with my favorite adorable teams of all time -- so naturally funny, and such enthusiastic guys, and such good racers. They'll probably come in fourth, I suppose.

Firecop, in Innsbruck at last. They approach Annasaule. When they get there, they find a clue that sends them directly to the pit stop. Not good news, fellas. They get to the castle, and as they take their bags out of the back of the car, Damon comments that he can hear the fat lady singing right now. They step to the mat, and to no one's surprise (particularly their own), they are Philiminated. Andre says that he hopes that their experience on the show will teach people that cops and firefighters are just regular people, and that that will help bridge the gap between law enforcement and the community. A nice thought. I'm afraid the gap is likely to be a little more resilient than that, but it's a nice thought. Andre then says he has something to give to Phil. He reaches inside his jacket and pulls out the one dollar they got for the leg, which still looks crisp and lovely. "We didn't need it," he says, laughing. Oh, good move. I liked that. Congratulations, Firecop, on a nice exit.

Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.

week: Everyone hates Ian. Everyone wonders what the hell is up with Flo and Zach. Teri's pants are falling down. It's madness, I tell you -- madness!