I'm A Much Better Liar Than You Are!

Previously on Mama Said There'd Be Diesel Like This: It was really dark. Oh, no. That's just brief technical difficulties at the beginning of the previouslys. What really previously happened is that Firecop stuck to the Band of Brothers like Krazy Glue as the teams made their way out of Portugal. Rappelling down a cliff made Flo complain, made Arianne say, "Wooo!", and made Ian a grouchy, mean bastard. So, pretty much status quo there. FloZach, Teri and the Hat, Aahab, and Mike and Kathy all put unleaded in their diesel vehicles, which made the vehicles swoon and fan themselves delicately like overheated southern belles at a garden party. And then it made the vehicles pass out flat on their faces, like those same southern belles after they go to college. In response to this crisis, in decreasing order of DGQ (Displayed Gumption Quotient), Teri and the Hat dumped their gas on the ground and refilled their tank (DGQ=84), FloZach got their car to the world's only overnight auto repair shop and had it fixed (DGQ=68), Aahab rustled up law enforcement and the much maligned insurance industry for a rescue (DGQ=28), and Mike and Kathy decided to take the night off and kick back in a hotel (DGQ=6). No hurry, after all. When it was all over, Ken and Gerard landed on the mat first again ("YAAY!"), and although Aahab struggled, they were out-sucked by Michael and Kathy, who proved once again that no matter how the game may change, giving yourself the night off is quite reliably a bad idea. "Who will be eliminated..." The Democratic Party is declared dead four times. "...tonight?"

Credits. Approximately 100,000 people are injured in ATV accidents every year. On November 16, 2002, Toronto was host to the International Rock-Paper-Scissors Championships, sponsored by the World Rock-Paper-Scissors Society. Morocco is the world's largest exporter of escargot. The Palmerie is home to some of the best golf in Morocco. According to the official home page of the Riad Catalina, as automatically translated by Babelfish, "[Riad Catalina] reveals us, in addition to its charms where all is made with love and passion, its twelve rooms and its three continuations (of which some with private terrace) and a swimming pool with unspoilable view on Koutoubia and the mountainous chain of the Atlas." [BOMP.]

The cameramen apparently took the week off from careening, but the editors are washing down diet pills with triple espressos, so it's a pile of slam-cuts rather than the usual unhinged zooming and panning. Phil reminds everyone who became distracted by the sparkly outfits at the Country Music Awards last week that we are in Fez, Morocco. Incidentally, however wrong it is to picture Howard Cunningham in his Leopard Lodge hat every single time they say "Fez," that's how wrong I am. But anyway, Fez [Howard Cunningham]. More specifically, we are at the lovely Borj Nord, yet another Big Castle in this year's Big Castle Boogaloo. And here is Phil now, looking very skinny in his blue button-down shirt. Either the shirt naturally emphasizes the "lanky" in "lanky Kiwi stud muffin," or he's getting ready for swimsuit season. He also looks a little leathery. He has that delicate Southern hemisphere complexion, so they do need to be sure they keep him in Coppertone. At any rate, teams have to figure everything out for themselves (well, except for Firecop) from the clues in the sealed envelopes, and then we see the Exposition Hands on speed and so on. Phil wonders aloud about the fate of the Band of Brothers alliance, as well as Teri and the Hat's chances of avoiding elimination yet again. He points out that they're the coldest team to ever reach the sixth leg. Oh, wait. He said "oldest team." Okay, that too, I guess.

4:31 AM. Ken and Gerard. They rip open the clue, which directs them to drive to the Hussan II Mosque in Casablanca. And I'm just going to tell you right now that I am foregoing all Casablanca jokes. There will be nothing about Sam, nothing about beginnings of beautiful friendships, nothing about rounding up the usual suspects, and nothing about regretting it soon and for the rest of your life. I just can't do it. When they hand me jokes, I feel cheapened in some way. I'm no organ-grinder's monkey. At any rate, they're only getting fifty bucks for this leg, so they'd better not go spending it all on candy and magazines. Over the thwacka-wacka highway travel music, Phil phills in that the drive from Fez to Casablanca is about 150 miles, although I feel compelled to note that Phil's distances have sometimes turned out to be highly suspect, so it appears it could be anywhere between fifty miles and 300 or so without Phil worrying too much over his accuracy. He says that when they get to Casablanca, the teams will have to find their way to the mosque, which is apparently the second-largest religious monument in the world after Mecca. (Or, as Phil's accent would say, "Mecc-er.") Hypnotic camera-wiggling ensues as we are introduced to the mosque. Back at the starting line, as Ken and Gerard get into their car in the dark, Gerard voices over that they need to "stay sharp." Right on cue, he closes the back of the SUV all wrong and winds up bonking the doors together. "Oh, that's good," he scolds himself. Heh. Ken and Gerard decide that the best way to get directions to where they need to go is to flag down a taxi, which turns out to be no small task at 4:30 in the morning.

4:37 AM. Andre and Damon. They tell us that they're enjoying being in the front of the pack, and they're going to continue following the Band of Brothers in an effort to stay there. You know, they don't seem dumb or anything, so I just don't understand why they assume that they aren't capable of figuring out the clues and getting from one place to another on their own. Following another team in figuring out one difficult clue was one thing, but adopting that as your long-term strategy does strike me as distasteful, I have to admit. We've pretty clearly moved beyond their original notion of staying with the pack when a single clue seemed impossible to figure out, and we're now bordering on a sort of involuntary alliance, which doesn't break any rules, but which I really just don't like.

4:44 AM. Derek and Drew. They count their money and take off. In a voice-over, they praise the value of their alliance as they head for their reunion with the Bald Snark. This is now the most functional alliance this show has ever had, given that the primary first-season alliance ended in a nightmarish fireball in the fourth leg, and the primary second-season alliance involved sex and betrayal and finger-quoting. And Wil.

As Gerard finally pulls a taxi over to get directions, Firecop comes along. Ken interviews that Firecop made it very clear they were going to continue to tail the alliance, so although they weren't very happy about it, BoB decided that it would be a waste of energy to try to lose them. This is exactly the right thing to do, it seems to me. Firecop isn't exactly looking like the strongest team in the race right now, so if you keep them in and increase the chances of knocking out somebody else, like FloZach or Jill and John Vito or whoever, you might actually help yourself. These three teams (BoB and Firecop) caravan toward Casablanca, apparently following a cab for at least the first part of the trip. The twins remark that they've given their maps to Ken and Gerard, so they're hoping that nothing goes wrong to break up the caravan. Sheesh. That does seem rather risky. If a couple of twins show up in your neighborhood this week in an SUV and wander from house to house saying that they're looking for a big guy with a beard and a little guy with a map, you'll know that things didn't work out. Ken says in an interview that he digs Derek and Drew, but he thinks Gerard is by far the superior map-reader. He also adds that it is becoming increasingly evident that Firecop can't read a map at all. "They don't know where they're going," he says flatly. Ouch.

5:24 AM. Jill Bon John Vito and FloZach stand on the mat together, because at the end of the last leg, they were tied. How very Romper Room. I hate ties. I hate jumping on the mat together. I hate vestiges of the HugeTinies. Anyway, Flo interviews that Jill and John Vito are great to team up with, because they're so honest. John Vito concurs that he and Jill enjoy being allied with FloZach, because it's smart for the four of them to "put [their] minds together." Well, okay, John Vito, but don't listen to Zach's mind when it starts telling you to wear one of those headbands. In other news, do you think Jill gets her mysterious powers from her lip gloss? I've rarely seen a woman attend to her make-up so closely this far into the race, although I'm guessing that if Heave were still around, they would still be working the blue eye shadow.

5:28 AM. Teri and the Hat. They exchange a little smooch on the mat, apparently in an elaborate fake-out meant to distract you from the way they're going to act for the entire remainder of the episode. Interestingly, if you actually look at that smooch closely (as I did when I accidentally paused the TiVo at an inopportune moment), you'll note that they look at each other as little as possible while it's going on. He sort of stares off to her right, past her cheek. Ian talks about how they're going to "hit the ground running," and offers other vague platitudes about perseverance. They bicker in the car about the map and the route, and it is particularly notable that he tries to guilt her at one point with a pained, "Please don't berate me." She's not berating him, it doesn't appear, but she is pointing out what she believes to be his failures, which is apparently not allowed. His pointing out her failures, of course, is completely different. Ian also remarks that they're going to "hammer down." Shout-out! They speed past the JVJ and FloZach caravan. Just as they do, John Vito draws Jill's attention to the temperature gauge on their car, which has risen to the general vicinity of the "H," putting the "TEMP" light on. As steam streams from under the hood, she pulls over. As it turns out, their radiator has died rather spectacularly, leaving a black splat mark on the road. Wow. That car didn't just die, it died in a Wile E. Coyote cartoon. As they ponder their options, Teri and the Hat and FloZach speed away from them.

Teri and the Hat yammer about navigation in their car. Behind them, Flo says evenly that she thinks Teri and the Hat have a "horrible sense of direction," and she has no interest in following them to (or in) Casablanca. Meanwhile, just as this quartet of malcontents reaches Rabat, where both teams will make a turn for Casablanca, it finally occurs to Zach that they've lost John Vito and Jill. Flo wonders where they could have gone. Cut to JVJ, sitting by the side of the road with their deceased vehicle, waiting for the vultures to arrive. John Vito notes in a voice-over that had it been Flo and Zach who had vanished, he and Jill would have at least stopped to check on them. Honestly, I'm not sure FloZach really noticed they were gone until they got to town. A tense string flourish ("BWAAP!") closes out the tense scene of a silent JVJ awaiting help.

7:04 AM. Aaron and Arianne. She interviews about how they thought they might be out last night, but today, they are brimming with hope. Brimming, I tell you! From their car, Aaron calls out to someone for directions. He comments a moment later that while he and Arianne don't speak "the language here" (that's Arabic, dear) and they don't speak French, they communicate okay. "You just scream at people and they seem to respond really, really well." Well, it's good to know that they're utilizing their natural skills. Woooo!

Back at The JVJ Road Shoulder Of Mechanical Failures, they pace anxiously. Phil explains that if a car breaks down through no fault of the team (that is, you didn't fill the tank with kerosene or apple juice or do anything clever like that), they can have a replacement car sent by the show, but as he explains, "no time credit is given...for this unlucky situation." Heh. Phil sounds a little like the guy on World's Wildest Police Videos, who makes all those clever little comments like, "These joyriders found out that when you're playing with the law...[dramatic pause]...you may wind up paying with your life." As to the substance of the rule he just explained, I guess you could choose to think that's not fair, but (as we will see later in the episode) it's generally the case that the show does not make any pretense of protecting you from bad luck -- that is, from everything that isn't your fault. This seems to me like the right balance -- you send them another car rather than leave them by the side of the road to be attacked by wolves and turned into carrion, but you don't give them back the time. When the replacement car arrives and they get going again, John Vito comments that they lost about an hour waiting for the replacement.

The drunken cameramen are back on duty now, careening around Casablanca. As so often happens, we are treated to a shot of a colorful member of local law enforcement directing traffic. In fact, today, he gets a featured role, as Ken and Gerard ask him for directions to the mosque. He obliges. Thank you, local law enforcement! When the teams get to the mosque, they find that it is grand, indeed. As BoB+F enters, Gerard reminds everyone that there's no running in the mosque; they have to walk. There's a great shot of these six guys walking across the mosque grounds -- it's very cinematic, like they're a ragtag band of misfits on their way to break in and steal something. The Junior Exposition Hands then get a cameo when, for some reason, we are treated to a special shot of the clue box being opened and the clue removed. What bored person threw in that shot? Sheesh. When the teams pull the clue, it tells them to head for Marrakech. Phil is back to claim that this will again be 150 miles, but it seems to me like Phil just likes to say "150 miles" a lot. Just like some people think everything takes "five minutes," Phil thinks everything is "150 miles." How far is it from Nashville to Vegas, Phil? "A hundred and fifty miles." How far is it from your kitchen to your living room, Phil? "A hundred and fifty miles." He's like Rain Man, if Dustin Hoffman had spiky hair and a come-hither accent. Phil goes on to explain that after the teams get to Marrakech by train, they'll have to take a taxi to the edge of town, to a place called the Palmerie. Unsurprisingly, by the way, the Palmerie appears to contain palm trees. Now it all makes sense! BoB+F takes off for Marrakech, hoping they can get a train quickly and put some space between them and the people behind them.

"[Domp! Domp! Domp-a-domp-a-domp!]" goes the thumping conflict music as FloZach pulls up beside Teri and Ian at what appears to be a toll plaza. "Is this Teri and Ian?" Zach asks. "Yeah," Flo says. "That hat...you can't mistake him for anyone." I'm glad they put that remark in there, because I was starting to wonder if the hat was merely a trauma-induced hallucination that was mine alone. Once the teams leave the plaza, Teri and Ian start bickering about navigation yet again. "We need to get off the highway," she remarks emphatically. "I'm telling you..." he begins. "We missed another exit," she says. "Don't tell me to chill out again." "You're making a mistake by getting off the highway so fast," he counters with measured contempt. "But if you want me to, I'll do it. I'm going to follow your direction. And the outcome is your responsibility." He actually waves his finger in the air during this remark. Wow, he could not be more of an ass. It's almost impossible for me to imagine a marriage I would ever want to be in less than this one, unless it involved David Gest. Or, if I were a guy, Jennifer Lopez. Team Asshat eventually remains on the highway, because Teri knows that she will never, ever hear the end of it if he decides she was wrong about the exit, and she'd rather have them both get it wrong than have him remind her that she screwed up every five minutes. I somehow suspect that being gracious about being right is not in Ian's particular range of emotional reactions. I wonder whether, when she asked him whether they should get diesel and he said no, she told him that the outcome was his responsibility. This entire dynamic is just...creepy.

FloZach get off the highway at a sign that says "Centre Ville." Flo tells Zach that this means, "This is, like, the center of the town." Can't argue with that. She comments that Ian and Teri remained on the highway, apparently looking for a different sign. Probably one that means, "This is, like, the marriage counseling facility." Finally, Asshat gets off the highway as well. You'll notice that Ian just picks an exit and says they'll "try to make [their] way to the mosque." It's not like his contempt for Teri's suggestion that they get off the highway earlier was based on any notion that he knew where they were going. In Casablanca, Flo and Zach ask for directions, while Asshat gets a taxi to lead them. FloZach does indeed beat Asshat to the mosque. So much for it being a mistake to get off the highway, there, Ian.

When FloZach has retrieved the clue, they go to leave, and they run into Asshat and their lead taxi, who are on the way in. Flo doesn't know that Asshat necessarily wants the taxi again, considering that the teams are traveling by car and not by taxi, so she goes over and asks the driver if he'll lead them to the train station. The driver doesn't seem to think he's working for Teri and Ian anymore either, since he negotiates arrangements with Flo and they appear to have a deal. Ian catches wind of this and storms over to the driver to tell him not to take Flo and Zach. Understandably, this irritates Flo, who protests, "No!" because she thinks Ian is trying to screw her up and interfere. "I hired this cab, he's mine!" Ian snarls at her. Teri, despite the fact that she doesn't really understand what Ian is doing, takes her turn as well, turning to Flo and spitting incredulously, "He's our cab, don't 'No'!" In case you ever doubt that Teri is perfectly capable of being just as unpleasant as Ian is, watch that little moment a few times. That's one of my least favorite tendencies that people who are treated poorly by their significant others sometimes have -- even knowing what an ass he is, she still comes out and aggressively backs him when he's being an ass to other people, like it makes it a little bit better if the two of them team up to be asses to the same person for thirty seconds.

Teri and Ian harass their cab driver about how badly they need to get to the FF right away. Jill and John Vito are close behind. Asshat is first to get to the relevant rug shop with the yellow-and-red flag on the front. Apparently, Teri is too slow for Ian, because he yells, "Just trust me and jog!" Whatever, jackass. They look for the rug. "We've got to be looking. Using your eyes," he commands. Whatever, jackass. Unsurprisingly, he snaps at her while they turn rugs over. "You've got to wait for me!" Whatever, jackass. I am exhausted.

John Vito and Jill run at top speed down the street toward the rug shop. Man, I would hate to be their camera guy, because they run everywhere, or so it appears. The camera guys must end the season with giant leg muscles. JVJ makes it to the shop, where they join Asshat, and now it's a race for the rug, with both teams hunting.

Back in the desert, FloZach is heading for the Palmerie and the Detour. They get there just as Ken and Gerard are leaving. Hmm. FloZach's train arrived two hours after the BoB+F train, so if Ken and Gerard didn't bleed time between the train and the Detour, they apparently spent two hours at the Palmerie, which seems like substantially more than you'd think it would take, even with the Detour switch. Odd, that. The teams meet up just as Flo and Zach are grabbing their packs out of the back of the car. "It's a bitch!" Gerard says bitterly. He snags FloZach's driver to take himself and Gerard back to town (smart move!), and then he repeats to Flo, "It's a bitch." "What do you mean it's a bitch? What should I do!?" Flo whines to Kenny. "'What should I do?' You think I'm gonna tell you?" Kenny yells at her. Heh. "Kenny, I'm like four hours behind, you rat!" she whines back as he puts an arm around her. They chuckle, and then she and Zach head for the Detour as Ken and Gerard make for the cab. "Okay, bye Ken!" Flo yells in a surprisingly cheery fashion. "Bye, honey!" Kenny yells back with a warm grin. Aww. I have a feeling Flo really may not be all that bad when she's not in Learned Helplessness Mode. And that whiny voice may not be entirely her fault. It might be genetic. I'm prepared to leave the jury out on Flo at this point, much to my own surprise. But the jury is restless, and hasn't had lunch, and is still leaning toward a verdict that isn't very defense-friendly, if you know what I mean, and I'm pretty sure you do. The cabbie translates the clue for Ken and Gerard, and they take off for the caf. FloZach take the bikes.

Rug shop. Rugs are thrown, rugs are searched, rugs are flipped over. And the winner is...Asshat. "Got it!" Teri yells. Moans of agony can be heard all across the land. Talk about the luck of the evil. JVJ takes off. "It's all right," Jill says. "Let's go, let's go, let's go." They leave. Sweaty Asshat celebrates their victory, while outside, Jill and John Vito take off in a cab. Jill says she would have liked to nab the FF, but she's still hopeful that it will all work out. Ian congratulates himself some more inside (you'll note that Teri, not he, found the FF in the end), and Teri reads the clue to the pit stop. Phil explains that the pit stop is at the Riad Catalina, which he calls a "guest house," and which looks to be a damn gorgeous place to stay, if you're ever in Morocco. Oh, and please invite me, because I never get to go anywhere.

Out in the street, Teri and Ian grab a cab. Well, actually, Ian gets a cab first, and apparently Teri's a little too slow leaping to his side, because he looks over at her, points at the ground, and says, "Teri, COME." Yes, you've seen that move before. Yes, it was while watching people call their dogs. And you know what? At my parents' house, we don't do that to their dog unless he's already refused several polite requests. So he's not merely treating his wife like a dog. He's treating her like a bad dog. Why she puts up with this is a complete mystery to me, but she apparently does. This is actually creeper than Wil and Tara, because at least they knew their situation was unfortunate. Apparently, this is the way these people always imagined marriage would be. Lovely.

Flo and Zach are on the bike. He runs it into a tree just a little, at which point she hops off and refuses to get back on until he has things righted. She voices over that she's probably not been very nice to him during the race, so she does appreciate his patience. She sounds remarkably sane. She calls the entire trip a "stressful, dirty date." Ah, yes. The best kind. She gets back on the bike at last, and they're on their way again.

Jill and John Vito have also arrived at the Detour, and they too go for the bikes and take off riding.

Teri and Ian arrive at the rooftop pit stop. Congratulations, Asshat, you are team number one. And the only positive thing I can say about that is that it is only thirty-nine minutes into the show, and I don't have to watch you for one minute longer this week. What's funny is that they both start to awkwardly shake hands with each other when they're told they're number one, and then they both apparently decide that it will look weird if they don't hug, which they then do. Phil tells them that for winning this leg, they've both won Easy-Share cameras that they will be able to throw at each other when the race is over. Wearing his diplomatic face, Phil asks them to comment on their strategy. Teri, apparently unaware that they are taped at times other than at the pit stops, tells him that while she and Ian may bicker and "talk nasty," they ultimately pull together. Of course, Ian made it clear earlier in the leg that he knows absolutely nothing about pulling together, so she's...just wrong. Oh, and Ian says, "We're a team," which is diametrically opposed to both his "I'm the pilot" remark and his "when I make a decision, it's a decision" remark. Phil is briefly shown looking at them with an expression that says exactly the following: "I am too polite to laugh out loud in your face." Asshat is officially my least favorite team on this show ever. Yes, they're worse than Wil and Tara. At least Wil and Tara were mildly amusing, in a train-wreck sort of way. This just hurts to watch.

FloZach takes the rubbing of the clue. Flo, overly nervous as usual, is immediately upset by her inability to understand the clue. Dude. It's in Arabic. Calm down and get it read to you. They take off, and Jill and John Vito are on their way shortly thereafter, and finish the rubbing in a jiff. FloZach has the clue translated for them, and now that they understand it's a caf, Flo manages to chill. They get a taxi, and the driver tells them it's about fifteen minutes to the caf.

Firecop and Derek and Drew are on their way to the caf. Man, the editing is making the timing really hard to follow. I feel like we haven't seen these teams in years. As Firecop explains that they're in traveling with the twins, we see the twins in their cab. They're all scruffy, and haven't shaved, and...BAH! Sorry. Drifting off there just a little bit. At any rate, they also show Ken and Gerard on the way to the caf here, and if I'm not mistaken, they have to be significantly behind at this point, so I think this is all cut together a little funny.

Oh, hey, look. It's Aahab. They're still in the race, too, and their train is just pulling into Marrakech. When they get a cab, Arianne explains that they're hoping to grab the FF before anybody else gets to it. Ha! Not.

JVJ finishes up the Detour, and as the editing has suggested they might, they run into Zach and Flo. Man, JVJ went for the FF and lost it, and they still caught up to these guys? Impressive. JVJ fills in FloZach that Asshat is out ahead with the FF, so they all know they need to hustle. I'm not sure where they think Aahab is. They head for the caf.

Firecop is first to hit the caf at 2:35, so they have about two hours and ten minutes to kill before they can get up to the roof. Derek and Drew and Ken and Gerard follow.

Aahab, meanwhile, arrives at the rug shop as part of their futile attempt at the FF. Led inside, they find a note giving them the bad news that the FF has already been taken. Bloody yet unbowed, they dash out of the shop and head for the Palmerie in the already-waning light. Aaron says, quite correctly, that their first plan failed, so they'll have to just go to the one. Yep, it's official. They are only tolerable when they're losing, because it knocks the cocky right out of them. Arianne says she thinks that they're going to run into a bunch of racers when they get to the Palmerie. The editors try to up the suspense by showing you the bunching taking place at the caf, but in fact the quality of the sunlight suggests that this caf footage took place before they even got to the rug shop, and they still have to do the Detour before they can even go to the caf. In other words, I think they were way past being saved by bunching by the time their hopeful never-say-die footage was shot. "We're really, really hoping," Aaron says. Ha! Not.

Commercials. You might as well do your Christmas shopping on Amazon.com, because otherwise, you're going to wind up having to spend the holidays with your children. Looking at toys. Eeeew!

The Aahab cab gets them to the Detour, and they take the bike, which Aaron refers to as "the sand things."

4:45 PM. The rooftop of the Caf Glacier opens, and the bunched Firecop, twins, Bald Snark, JVJ, and FloZach all charge for the clue. Unsurprisingly, it is time for this week's Roadblock. The task this week involves snail-selling. Specifically, you have to team up with a local street vendor and help him set up his stand, and then you have to personally sell five bowls of snails, which apparently make a nice snack, once you get over the fact that they're snails. No discounts, either -- you have to sell them at full price.

The Roadblock is taken by Gerard, Flo, Jill, Andre, and Derek. There is much frenetic snail-cart assembly footage, and then it's time for the hard sell. The seller is supplied with an attractive white coat (apparently, the international symbol for My Snails Are Healthy And Sanitary, Despite Their Appearance).

Aahab drives the sand bike straight into a ditch. Aaron complains that he crashed it because Arianne was screaming like a girl. I'm not sure I really believe that's why he crashed, but I suppose it's not worth worrying over now.

Back in snail-land, various approaches to selling are attempted. Jill asks how to beckon customers in Arabic, while Andre just flat-out begs for help from the crowd. Heh. I can understand that. "One bowl! You don't have to eat it!" he yells. Heh, again. Flo and Jill yell to each other as they work. It's clear that one of the challenges here is that there are now five of them selling the same thing at the same time within a very short distance, so from a business perspective, it's partly just a matter of distinguishing yourself from numerous extremely local competitors. Oh, and also they're selling snails. Which are made of snails.

Aahab finishes the Detour, and it looks pretty dark already. It is not looking good for Aahab.

Gerard says "Si" to one of his customers. Bzzzt! Heh. Eventually, though, once he dons the little white cap that seems to be the other part of the uniform, he starts to move the merchandise. Flo bubbles over with enthusiasm in thanking her customers. "I love you! I love you!" she yells. You know, she just needs to stop screaming in general, and I have a feeling I might like her a lot better. Derek is running behind, but the white hat seems to be the charm for him, too. Andre finishes first, and the route info directs him to the Riad Catalina. Phil re-explains that this is the pit stop, almost as if he didn't already do that when Asshat got the Fast Forward. Thanks, Phil. They do provide the crucial dramatic shot of the Amazing Mat. Look! The mat! It will be someone's undoing! Look at the mat! Anyway, back on the streets of Marrakech, Andre retrieves Damon, and they set off toward the pit stop in first place.

Jill finishes , and she tears across the street through traffic to return to John Bon Vito. Somebody screams, "Watch out for that car, Jill!" but it's hard to tell who it is. She grabs her sweetie, and they head out. As he congratulates her on what a good job she did, she bubbles over with excitement. "I was tawking in Arabic! He tawt me how to tawk in Arabic!" It's so easy to talk about how cute she is, and how tough she is, and how nice he is when he talks about her, but...really, it's just nice how happy they always seem when they talk to each other. I'm sure they're not really always this happy, and I'm sure they have spats that we don't see because blah blah blah editing, but honestly, if you look at the way she was all excited about having done this, and you look at the way he was all excited about stopping the soccer ball with his face, the relationship just starts to look very good. There's such a huge difference between teams who seem to be made up of two individual people whose primary goal is to make sure everyone knows that anything bad that happens was not their fault (which is what Ian and Teri are like, and was also what Wil and Tara were like) and teams whose primary goal is to do well as a team, and don't seem like they would ever even bother getting into whose fault it is when something goes wrong. That's how Jill and John Vito seem to be, and I like it so much better.

Firecop takes off in the Corruption Cab.

Gerard is to finish the Detour, and listening to Ken loudly congratulate him almost makes me think that Ken was the one who yelled at Jill not to get squished by a car. Gerard is especially funny running through the traffic to get back to the caf -- it reminds me of Eddie Murphy in Bowfinger. Or, actually, he could have gone "whoop whoop whoop" as he dodged the cars, and that would have fit also. Zach cheers on Flo as she finishes selling, while Drew wonders why Derek is dragging. Derek does finally finish up, though, so now everyone is on the way to the pit stop. Gerard and Ken get in a cab, as do John Vito and Jill. Derek and Drew are initially told they can walk, but when they hear it's a ten-minute walk, they look for a cab anyway, followed by FloZach. Taxi race!

Hmm. Firecop is being driven out into an area that looks nothing like the city they were in. This is starting to look suspiciously like that Brady Bunch episode with the ghost town. Let's get the jail key using Dad's belt! You know, it's hard to say whether Firecop should have done something differently here -- on the one hand, you'd certainly think they could have at least found out from someone that the pit stop was in town before they took off, which might have given them a bit more warning that as soon as they wound up driving off into Nowhereland, they were in trouble. On the other hand, racers have traditionally done just what they did -- ask the driver if he knows where it is, and if he does, you just trust him. Furthermore, you have to wonder whether it would have helped for them to protest anyway. At that point, if you're being taken, what are you going to do? Get out of the cab and stand on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere? That's not to even mention, how brazen is this cabbie to pull this with a team that has a camera crew with them? I mean, I find it hard to believe the driver was just confused, because he seemed to specifically deliver them to these other town residents who then led him all over the place despite having no idea what they were talking about, so it just seems impossible that this wasn't a giant scam. To do it with the camera and sound guys handy? Surprising.

Aahab finishes the Detour, finally. In their cab on the way to the caf, Arianne notes that they must have gained some time on the other teams, because the caf didn't open until 4:45. It looks pretty sunset-y by the time they're on the way from the Detour to the caf, though. They insist that it's still "anybody's game." Ha! Not.

Gerard and Ken and FloZach seem to pull up at the pit stop at approximately the same time. "Come on, Zach!" Flo screams, even more screamily than usual. You know, she's not even carrying a pack here -- Zach has a big pack on his back and a small pack in his hand. Surely she's not screaming at him while he's carrying her pack. Surely she would not do that. A short footrace lands FloZach on the mat, ahead by just a little. Welcome, FloZach, you are team number two. They hug. I think she was slightly less of a trial this week than she sometimes is, so he's probably hugging her in gratitude. On the other hand, though, you can see even more clearly when they're on the mat that he is, in fact, carrying Flo's pack in addition to his own. Yeesh. Ken and Gerard arrive . Welcome, Bald Snark, you are team number three. They look at each other, and although Kenny doesn't say "YAAAY!" like he usually does, he does yell, "THREEE!" in practically the same way, so it's all right. They hug, and he knocks Gerard's hat off.

Firecop, still driving. Uh oh. Their cab driver has delivered them to Middle Of Nowhere, Morocco. They gamely ask about the Riad Catalina, and are given a bum steer again, this time to a mosque, which they're told they can't go into anyway, because it's for Muslims only. Firecop is led hither and yon by this guy who keeps telling them that he knows where they're supposed to go, but they begin to realize that something is very, very wrong. Just as they're trying to get a taxi so they can get the hell out of there, a guy they refer to as a "local official" comes up. They are "officially detained." Dang.

Derek and Drew are incoherently yelling at their cabbie as they approach the pit stop (man, take a nap, y'all). Unsatisfied with the service, they hop out and decide to walk the rest of the way. Jill and John Vito do the same. Both teams wander down several long alleyways that lead to the Riad Catalina, and Derek and Drew are first to get there. Welcome, Derek and Drew, you are team number four. Welcome, John Vito and Jill, you are team number five.

Firecop is now in a taxi on the way to the pit stop. They explain that the "local official" took them to his office and asked them to surrender their passports. Quite correctly, they refused, so they had to wait for the TAR security staff to come and bail them out, which took some time. Now, they're driving for the pit stop. I still say it looks like it's earlier than it was when Aaron and Arianne were getting off the bike at the Detour, but I could be wrong.

Sidebar: There's been a lot of talk this week about whether Firecop should have gotten a time credit. Unfortunately, I think the answer is no. It's absolutely sucky when things like that happen, but the show has never attempted to save you from everything that "isn't your fault," nor could it possibly do so. Teams have been screwed by ill-timed requests that they produce filming permits, by dead batteries, by busloads of German tourists...and certainly, over and over and over again, by incompetent or corrupt cab drivers. Good grief, that was practically a theme of the first season's travels through India. The show will give you credits to save you from production delays -- things they caused -- probably to prevent accusations that there's any kind of favoritism or fixing in favor of this team or that team, but not to assure you that the race will be decided entirely on skill. The end of the first season, you could argue, was heavily influenced by hitting about two or three green lights rather than two or three red lights. So I totally feel for these guys, but I don't think you can give them the time back. If you start giving the time back for everything that's "not your fault," you'll have nothing but arguing forever.

Welcome, Firecop. You are team number six, which is a big relief, because that would have been an el sucko way to be eliminated. If you were chicks, I would tell you to take a bubble bath. I'm not sure what the equivalent advice is for firemen and police officers. ["'Take a bubble bath,' I'll wager." -- Sars] They look completely stunned here -- I have a feeling that that experience was scary as hell, and I don't blame them one bit.

Ah, Team Aahab. You have arrived at the caf at last. Aaron takes the Roadblock. Man, Arianne is sporting some very adventurous large hair there. As we see Aaron serve up the snails (in the dark, I might add), he voices over that they were hopeful all day, and that sometimes "ignorance is bliss." Aww. (Yeah, I said "aww." Shut up.) He completes the Roadblock and gives one final "woooo!" Arianne voices over about their "very special connection" and so forth, and The Touching Music Of The Doomed And Annoying But Not Really So Much Evil tootles in the background. Aaron says he has no regrets. Dude, not even the unleaded? (Sorry. Had to.) As they approach the mat, he talks about how much he loves her, and appreciates her, and is happy she's in his life, and WOULD YOU GO LOSE ALREADY? God. Finally, they reach the mat, and they are Philiminated at last. "Yeah, yeah, yeah," they grouse, which I actually didn't mind so much, considering that I knew it was about thirty seconds from the last time I would ever have to see them, ever. In my life. Ever. Unfortunately, they top it all off with another round of the McDonald's Big Mac Hand-Slapping Boogie Shake. Does someone on this show think that's cute and original? Seriously, I learned that in about 1980. Or earlier.

Farewell, Aaron and Arianne. This really is a game of minutes, and I hope you enjoy all fifteen.

Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.

week: Flo starts a Firecop Hunt. Derek and Drew scream at each other. Ken and Gerard blow a tire. Noooo!