What Happens If I Slip? Am I Just Hanging Off A Cliff?

Previously on The Bald and The Beautiful: The green hills of Scotland gave way to the red wine of Portugal. Bunching gave way to even more bunching, which gave way to a nine-way tie. Portuguese kids stayed up past their bedtimes to kick stuff at the teams, and viewers at home sent numerous emails to CBS asking where they could sign up for that gig. Alliances were abandoned as the end of the leg approached, and when all was said and done, it came down to getting from the soccer stadium to the pit stop. The clue said to "walk," but Heather and Eve thought that under some interpretations that are acceptable in Louisiana (where everything is different because of Napoleon), "walk" might potentially be read to allow you to take a taxi, so that's what they did. As it turned out, Bruckheimer's minions take a very strict, pinched, overly legalistic view of the word "walk," under which taxis were not acceptable. Heave was eliminated. It was all the cameraman's fault. Ken and Gerard said, "YAAAY!" but I'm sure it wasn't because Heave was eliminated. (I have to say that, usually, I don't go into a lot of detail about the production of the previouslys, but the part this week where the teams all read the "walk" clue -- which goes, "Walk to the pit stop!" "You must walk!" "You must walk!" -- has not only a biting wit, but also a lovely rhythm. Nicely done. On the other hand, I remain sad that my favorite piece of incidental music -- The Horns Of Perseverance, which goes, "BLATBLATBLAT BLATBLATBLAT BLATBLATBLAT BLAT!" -- has apparently been relegated permanently to the previouslys.) "Who will be eliminated..." Birds fly south for the winter. "�tonight?"

Credits. Although diesel passenger vehicles make up less than two percent of all passenger vehicles in the United States, they now make up nearly one-third of the new vehicle sales in Europe. One spilled gallon of gasoline can pollute 750,000 gallons of water. The official language of Morocco is Arabic, but business and government are often conducted in French. As of this writing, it is 55 degrees in Fez, and the relative humidity is a comfortable 58 percent. [BOMP.]

Drunken cameramen careen around Lisbon. Finally, they are able to get away from their distractions and focus on zooming in over the waters of the Tagus River, up to the Torre de Belem. Phil reminds us that this was the fourth pit stop on a race around the world. He is in an army-green button-down shirt that makes him look like he might be in jail. Phil, are you in trouble? Do you need bail money? Drop me a line. I don't have any money, but I'd visit you and bring you a little clue envelope with a file in it. Anyway, because we don't want the teams to be starving, tired, and antisocial -- well, not any more than they are already -- it's time for them to Eat, Rest, and Mingle. The E/R/M montage is really short, but we are treated to a really unattractive shot of Michael eating. Which is not really his fault, because scarfing down food on a deadline is not a recipe for looking hot. Zach goes to sleep on what looks like a senior center's rec room couch. Interestingly, over the talk of "mingl[ing] with the other teams," we see only Aahab talking to each other and Michael and Kathy hanging out with each other. Perhaps the interteam mingling isn't what one might hope for. From what we know of them, I would think all the HugeTinies would be hanging out and talking smack about their teachers and planning the senior prank and all that good stuff. But I guess they're distracted by the clues, the envelopes, and the tragic speed addiction of the Exposition Hands. You know, the ripping sound effect when EH opens the envelope is much more obtrusive than usual this week. I think they have a new sound guy, and he loves the ripping sound. He's all about the ripping sound. He's a slave to the ripping. Phil wonders whether Aaron and Arianne will dig their way out of the cellar, and whether Teri and Ian will once again suck slightly less than someone else and thus avoid being sent home yet again, much to the dismay of those of us who would like to see them take their act on the road back to their own home.

2:29 PM. Ken and Gerard prepare to depart. The clue tells them to get to the westernmost point of continental Europe. My God, THANK you. Now that is a "clue." I've been having a hard time referring to "Go here, stupid, using this method of transportation, and please try not to run over anything or accidentally choke on your tongue" as a "clue." Phil explains that what the teams need to find is Cabo da Roca, which is only twenty-two miles away. You'll notice that the Cabo da Roca promotional department isn't exactly hiding the ball about being the westernmost place in continental Europe. It has a big sign on it that says, "PONTA MAS OCCIDENTAL DO CONTINENTE EUROPEU." I bet it's popular for honeymoons: "Well, honey, this certainly is the westernmost point in continental Europe! Want to neck?" Gerard and Ken find a shady spot under a tree, and Gerard unfolds a big map. As he locates the spot on the map, Gerard voices over that the other teams are starting to figure out that they indeed might be a slight threat. Well, yeah. You'd think they might be beginning to catch on, even if they're not that bright. Which most of them aren't. Among other things, this team shows one of the signs of really strong racers, which is that whenever there's another bunching, they usually manage to come out in front. Gerard locates Cabo da Roca on the map. Ken asks if they have to fly, and Gerard says it's too close to fly. It is during this sequence that I notice something very sad, which is that Gerard's hat says, "Team Oh Brothers!" Yes, with exclamation point. Eeew.

2:31 PM. Flo and Zach. "Zach has gotten a lot better at dealing with my emotions during this trip," she says, taking the truly remarkable position that it was his reactions, and not her constant whining, that was causing a problem. Besides, I don't think it's her emotions that are the problem. I think it's her whining and complaining, which is a little different.

2:32 PM. Derek and Drew. And as an Eagle-Eyed Forum Poster (EEFP) pointed out, you can see the green Fast Forward clue in their hands as they open the envelope, so you know this was a leg where they got the FF right at the beginning, meaning the FF task was probably in Portugal. (Thanks, EEFP!) And what that means is that you can't fault anyone down the line for not taking the FF when they...you know, got pathetically far behind and lost their marbles. If you know what I mean, and I know that you do. The Twins voice over that they feel confident because of their "brotherhood" with the Bald Snark. As they approach, Gerard jumps up and runs over to greet them. He explains that he and Ken have figured out where it is. "We have to take a bus or a train," he tells them. Nooo! Maybe he ran into the Tunisian Estrogen Brigade. Welcome to a Classic Racer Lesson: Never take a bus or a train when a taxi might be available. Especially since the money announced for this leg was $500. That must be an expensive ferry to Morocco later. Either that, or they're trying to encourage a lot of expensive debauchery. Hey, there's an idea! I love debauchery! Anyway, Gerard talks in an interview about their great and high-functioning alliance. Right at the moment, that would be the great and high-functioning alliance that's doing exactly what they should not be doing, but I suppose that's neither here nor there.

2:33 PM. Firecop. They read the clue and instantly decide they have no idea what to do. As they explain in an interview, they have a strategy for just this situation: Follow Someone. Well, they call it "stay with the pack," but really? It's Follow Someone. It's an okay strategy, though risky, and it's not rule-breaking at all. Still, it sort of makes me like them less. And that's particularly because they look like they don't even try very hard to figure out what's going on. They just decide they have no idea, and they get right down to the following. Man, even Wil and Tara tried to recreate their clue before getting to "Follow that plane!" time.

The Band of Brothers is formulating its strategy, which is to go all the way back to Santa Apolonia to the train station. Meanwhile, FloZach asks a friendly local and is informed that you can catch a train to Cabo da Roca five hundred meters away. Wow, Band of Brothers, that's two, two, two bad ideas in one! Firecop is close behind, following the BoBs just about the only time they've ever been wrong, and therefore riding comfortably in a sleeper compartment on the Poetic Justice Express. All aboard! Woo-woo!

2:34 PM. Teri and the Hatless. "Where are we going, Teri?" he asks as they walk off with the clue. "The westernmost part of the continent," she says simply, because obviously she doesn't have the westernmost point in continental Europe on the tip of her tongue any more than he does. He fails to shut up. "Where are we going?" he asks her again, just like she didn't just answer him. Jerk. As he bugs her, she starts to go back for part of the clue she dropped, but when it turns out that it's not anything they need, she leaves it there. Because surely someone will come along and clean up after them, so why bother picking up the crap they just threw on the ground. They're just both such lovely and considerate people. They snarl at each other some, and then she voices over that after twenty-one years, she has learned when to tell him to shut up. Apparently this means that his behavior to this point has not motivated her to send that message. That is a head-scratcher indeed. They walk along, with him a couple of steps behind her. "You're not zipped," he complains, looking at the back of her backpack. "You're not zipped," he repeats in a monotone. "Then ZIP IT," she says pointedly. Heh. Don't think for one minute Teri didn't know exactly what she was doing there. They stop a friendly woman getting into her car, and she knows right where they need to go. See, Firecop? You could've at least tried asking someone. Everyone knows right where it is! Sigh. Teri and Ian figure out the distance to Cabo da Roca, and Ian says they need a taxi.

2:36 PM. Jill and John Vito. She voices over that he doesn't call the shots, and neither does she -- they call the shots as a team. If he tried to call any shots without her, of course, she would break him in half and chew up the pieces. It's just a guess. They get a taxi, and their cab driver gives them the good word that they're looking for Cabo da Roca. They ask him whether there's a train that would be faster, and he says no. (Of course, it's not such a good idea to ask your cabbie that question -- what are the odds he's going to say yes and put you off the cab? I'm not sure cab drivers are reliable feeders for efficient public transportation.)

FloZach are at the Belem train station, and they get directions to take the train from there to Cabo da Roca. They get on the train.

2:40 PM. Mike and Kathy. They get a local grass-sitter to point Cabo da Roca out on a map for them, and Michael -- who is looking over her shoulder at the map -- says, "It's in...England?" She points out that no, it's in Portugal. In, you know, continental Europe. She points out that it's not really very far. In their cab, Michael supposes that the other teams weren't able to get quick help the way they did. Wrong. But that's all right. Kathy explains, in a voice-over interview that seems rather out of place, that she and Michael love each other, but they don't say so, because "actions speak louder than words." Hmm. I'm wondering what those actions are. On second thought, don't tell me. I don't need to know. I have a feeling Michael would smirk about the actions that speak louder than words in a way that would unsettle me.

2:54 PM. Aaron and Arianne. He voices over that winding up in last place was "a real kick in the ass." Oh, sure. It's always the things you wish were literal that wind up being metaphors. They get a cab. Elsewhere, Teri and Ian are on a footbridge overpass, trying to figure out how to get a taxi. He's yelling at her, because he wants to just move around a lot for the sake of being kinetic, whereas she's actually trying to figure out where she's going. When they get the cab, they excitedly talk over each other a little to the driver, which Ian of course finds appalling, because she should be quiet so he can talk. "Go ahead," he finally passhole-aggressholes. "I can't talk over you." Oh, shut up. But he doesn't. He goes on with this: "The bottom line is, I'm the pilot, she's the navigator. And when I say we fly, we need to fly." Oh, good. I love quasi-military metaphors in a marriage. Of course, in their case, with the authoritarian atmosphere and the hostility and the drab clothing, it certainly does seem to fit.

In the Aahab cab, Aaron explains that they heard from some locals that they should take a bus or a train, and although he and Arianne decided not to do that, he's hoping that some of the other teams did. (Arianne finds him about as interesting as I do, because she is yawning widely.) Cut to...hey, a train! Where Zach is carefully rearranging the contents of the Amazing Purse. "Compact? Check! Mace? Check!"

Jill and John Bon Vito pull up beside the Bald Snark cab. Both roll their windows down. Both call out greetings. "Where are you guys going?" John Vito asks. Gerard shakes his head with a rueful smile. "Can't tell you, guys." Yeah. That's a race for you. You don't actually give instructions to other teams about things you've figured out. Of course, it could it potentially come back and bite Gerard in the ass, I suppose. At any rate, the cabbies were yakking anyway, so it doesn't really matter, because as soon as the Bald Snark cab is gone, John Vito asks the driver where the other cab was headed, and the driver says it was headed to Santa Apolonia. "Santa Apolonia train-o?" Jill says. Oh, oy. "Train-o"? Yeah, that's in my Spanish-English dictionary to "map-o." I tell you, it hurts my heart. Or, as they say in Spanish, my heart-o. The JVJ driver assures them that continuing in the taxi is faster, so they keep going.

Meanwhile, at the Santa Apolonia Train Station Of D'oh!, the BoB and the Firecop Followers go in to look for a train. Andre and Damon approach the BoB and offer a deal. They can keep up this silliness where BoB tries to ditch them so they can't follow, but instead of that, Firecop would be willing to give them thirty euros to just put up with the following until the end of the train trip. A BoB conference follows. The BoBs decide that since the following seems inevitable, they might as well just take the money. Also, a twin points out that being owed a favor by Firecop might be helpful down the line. Gerard uses his Spanish with the Portuguese train guy to figure out how to get off at the right place and grab cabs. They get on the train, hoping they have a leg up. Yeah, not so much. They all high-five. Or, as it were, slow-five.

Aahab cab speeds along toward Cabo da Roca. Aaron points out that their cab driver has been kicking butt, and he thinks there's a good chance they're not last to the spot, even though they were last out of the pit stop. And he's right, because actually, they're first. Oh, look. They have the luck of the evil. It figures. The cameramen have hit the bottle again, and are careening around Cabo da Roca. And approaching, hot on the trail of Aahab? Jill and John Vito, who are hopeful that they might actually be first.

FloZach detrains at 3:30 PM, and they grab a cab. Meanwhile, Aahab de-cabs at the route marker. They rip open the clue, and it's a Detour. Tasks? Two. Pros? Oh, yes. And also cons. Some of each. The deal with this Detour is that you're on a cliff, and you have to get down to the beach. You can walk down, or you can rappel down the cliff. Classic Reckless/Chicken Detour, if ever there was one. Aahab chooses the rappel without delay. The music thumps. If somebody doesn't lay off the lower half of that piano, it won't work anymore. Aahab gets to the beginning of the rappel, and they see that all eight of the vehicles the teams will use when they leave are still there, so this means they're first. They high-five. And, of course, they go, "Woo!" "This is one sweet day," Aaron says melodramatically, as if he has just vanquished his enemies or taken over a Roman town. But, you know, making up a half-hour deficit is almost as good, really.

Teri begins the rappel, but she is concerned that she can't hold the rope behind her tightly enough to stop her from moving. From below, Ian tries to yell encouragement. "One jump and you've got it!" Not that they were told to do this by jumping. He eventually tries a cheer: "Te-ri! Te-ri! Te-ri!" She does not appreciate it. "Ian, stop it!" she yells. First of all, heh. Second of all, here's what's really interesting. She unmistakably pronounces his name "Eye-an." Just unmistakably. So I, being the meticulous geek that I am, went back to the only time I thought I remembered hearing him say his own name, which was when he called his driver from Scotland to say they needed him again. And on that phone call, he unmistakably pronounced his name "Eee-an." Now, if you can tell me how you can pronounce your husband's name differently than he does after being married for this long, you will be a smarter person than I am. All it looks like to me is the world's most anvilicious metaphor for their incredibly obvious communication problems. I couldn't be more flummoxed. Oh, and because I haven't mentioned it yet, note that Teri and Ian wear matching outfits. They're like the Guidos, if the Guidos hadn't had their innate sense of style, had hated each other, and had been sort of slow.

Firecop reaches the Detour and chooses the rappel. Teri finishes the rappel, and she's very excited, but an impatient Ian is standing over at the clue box looking annoyed. "There are teams ahead of us, we've got to move," he says in his I Am The Pilot And You Are The Navigator voice. Can you believe that Frank is what used to pass for Loud and Pushy on this show?

Aahab is in their SUV, excited about the fact that they're in first place. Woo!

The Bald Snark is at the rappel, and Gerard is first to go. As he leaves, he says to Ken, "Ken, I love you. And if you don't do this, I'm going to break your ass." Break your ass? Now that's gotta hurt. How would you sit down? Firecop is starting the Detour as well, and Damon assures the trainer that he knows a bit about rappelling, because he does it for the fire department. Elsewhere, Derek and Drew read the clue and choose the rappel also.

As Damon completes the rappel, FloZach appears, having finished their grueling walk. Wow, this Detour really didn't work very well, because the walk didn't take all that much longer than the rappel. After all, the Bald Snark and FloZach arrived at Cascais a half-hour apart, and FloZach lost time dicking around at the rappel, and they're still beating the fellas at finishing the Detour. That probably means that the walk isn't more than about twenty minutes longer than the rappel, and that is not nearly long enough. There should be a reward for taking the Reckless half of Reckless/Chicken, and it should be more than twenty minutes. Flo looks up long enough to yell, "Come on, Kenny!", which is nice of her. As Kenny continues down, Gerard yells up at him, "Just pretend there's a dozen glazed donuts at the bottom!" A funny editor takes us right to a shot of Kenny speeding down the side of the cliff, right past Andre. At the bottom, the Helmet-Cam catches him going, "Holy shit!" And also showing off that Letterman-esque front-teeth gap. Firecop and the Bald Snark wind up grabbing the clue at about the same time.

Aahab trundles along in their SUV toward Algeciras, talking about how happy they are to still be in the race, when twelve hours ago they thought they were eliminated. Oh, hey, telephone call for Aahab. It's Hubris Records, offering them a deal recording a cover of "We Are The Champions." Jill and John Vito are on their way as well, as are Michael and Kathy. Mike says he's "seen worse days on the Race." Sigh.

Derek and Drew are finishing up the rappel, meaning they've slipped to last place. They grab the clue and get going, just as Firecop does the same.

The Acoustic Guitar Of Time Passing twangs in the background as day turns into sunset, and sunset turns to night. In the Aahab cab, Aaron says, "Right now, we need to stop somewhere and fuel up." The music does not go "dun dun dun," but it should. "This little baby," he says merrily, "she needs a nice batch of unleaded." Can you believe he actually said that? Way to wave a red flag in front of the Fuel Gods, man.

Firecop pulls in to get gas. When Andre opens the fuel tank door, Damon points to it and notes that it says "DIESEL." "It does?" Andre says, looking for himself. Indeed it does. Meanwhile, John Vito and Jill also go in search of a fill-up. They note also that the tank door says "DIESEL."

Aahab, at the gas station. "I think it's 'without lead,'" she says. "'Sin plomo.'" They stick the nozzle in their tank. I don't know who in the hell came up with this Noise Of Psychotic Possessed Fuel Tanks Of Doom that they use here, but it is absolutely hilarious. It sounds like wind chimes on PCP. Elsewhere, Michael says that he had trouble explaining that he needed unleaded gas. He puts the bad green nozzle in, too, but instead of Acid Wind Chimes, he gets Ominous Rumbling.

Teri and Ian pull into a station. Teri sees that there's a spot for diesel and a spot for regular. "We're not diesel, are we?" she asks. "No," Ian says, without checking or wondering or taking her seriously or anything. Man, welcome to the Schadenfreude Follies. He goes for the green nozzle. This time, it's a sort of Rolling Cymbal-Enhanced Rumbling.

And now for something completely different -- Ken and Gerard are happily progressing toward Algeciras. They explain that they've put gas in the SUV (apparently successfully), and Gerard got a sandwich. "Gerard needs his sandwich," Kenny notes. "Well, I'm hungry! I have to eat!" Gerard says.

Derek and Drew tell us that the Bald Snark has the map and is in the lead. They also say they wish they themselves were doing the leading. Ew, why? I'm sorry, but I would trust Ken and Gerard to guide me a lot more than Derek and Drew, so I don't know why they'd want to lead themselves. Oh, and Drew is wearing his geek glasses. Mmm, geek glasses. He notes that they got "some diesel." Not too stupid, those twins.

In the Aahab cab, Aaron notes that now they "have [their] gas," so all is well. As he says this, though, he suddenly notes that the car is behaving strangely. Hmm, what a surprise!

Zach fills up the FloZach tank, and he fills it with...unleaded. But the music guy is tired, because all Zach gets is a barely perceptible jangle of doom.

This is probably as good a time as any to tell you that when I was sixteen, and had had my license for a couple of months, I took my parents' Honda to a gas station and filled it up with diesel. In fairness to myself, the gas station was arranged in a way they don't arrange gas stations very often, with the diesel pump in the middle of a row of unleaded pumps. Well, and I was sixteen. And sort of stupid. My father paid about $300, as I recall, to have the tank cleaned out. I consider it one of the biggest boneheaded maneuvers of my lifetime (and believe me, that is saying something), so no one is more qualified than I am to tell you what a boneheaded maneuver it is for these people, who I would point out are not sixteen, and should certainly have known better than to assume an unknown vehicle in an unfamiliar country takes unleaded without checking. (Someday, I'll tell you about the time I accidentally drove into downtown Minneapolis instead of downtown St. Paul...that one is a little harder to explain, but it involves the Metrodome, Fifth Street, and the fact that I'm not very bright.)

Aaron tells Arianne that the car is dead. "There's no acceleration," he says sadly. Then he gasps. "[Gasp!] There's no brake!" Heh. Something about the way he said that makes me laugh and laugh.

Michael and Kathy have managed to break down in a parking lot, interestingly enough. He tries the engine. It does nothing. He tries it again. It does nothing.

Teri and Ian are driving along in their usual grimly silent determination when things start to go wrong for them, too. "What happened here?" he asks. Incidentally, now that it's dark and he's inside the car, he has the hat on again. Great.

Zach notes that the FloZach car is deader than dead. Hmm.