What If Our Parachute Doesn't Open?

Previously on A Dashing Reality Television Host Stole My Made-Up Vocabulary, And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt, Except For The Part About The T-Shirt: Well, it was sort of a blur of various and sundry pretty boys with big arms holding enormous toy checks, but we also had some running, some biking, some camel-riding, a cast of thousands of airline ticket agents, some eating of unusual food, some deception, some smooching, some screaming, and a lot of people who stunk to high heaven.

We swoop menacingly over a swampy landscape dotted with red algae or flowers or whatever it is that grows on top of swampy landscapes in Florida. We circle until we settle upon Phil "You Are The Lock, And I Am The Kiwi" Keoghan, who informs us that he is coming to us from "a tiny island in the Everglades." Phil is wearing a button-down shirt in Rugged Host Brown, and has a little choker. Hmm. Not sure about the jewelry, there, Phil. He says that twelve teams (one to grow on, up from eleven in the first two seasons) will set out from this enchanting muck on a race around the world. The prize? It's a million dollars. Or so Phil says. You never know, with budget cuts and the sagging economy. I only hope the prize money isn't in the stock market. Or if it is, I hope they have Martha Stewart's broker. , we see all the teams being driven in speedboats across the marshy terrain, and they're arranged in a flying-south-for-the-winter V-formation, which makes the whole thing look weirdly like an elaborate water skiing production number. Where have you gone, Esther Williams? Of course, the usual thumping and intense music is playing on the soundtrack, so Esther's not showing up unless she's being seriously menaced by alligators. Phil explains that each team is made up of two people who already know each other. Because on The Amazing Race, we don't let you on the trip without plenty of baggage, if you get our drift. Let's meet the teams.

Heather and Eve are wearing complementary sleeveless thingies that are unzipped right down to their Ya-Ya Sisterhoods. At least one of them also appears to be wearing blue eye shadow, so you know they're hip to Florence Henderson's brand of hot. They've recently graduated from Harvard Law School. Just what the hell is going on at Harvard Law, anyway? Do they have a new affirmative action program for the photogenic? (Maybe it has its own track. The first class? "The Intellectual Property Implications Of Admiring Your Reflection.") "All our lives, we've been underestimated," chirps Taller Annoying Girl. "People see attractive females, and they're like, 'Oh, they must be ditzes.' We're both very intelligent, but we plan to play into the whole dumb-female, helpless�you know, just to get guys to help us!" Oh, Lordy. Can you pass me an aspirin? Thank you. All right, point the first: No woman who uses the word "females" is going to do anything but chap me nonstop from here to eternity, so that's a bad sign, right there. Point the second: Congratulating yourself out loud for your own intelligence and good looks is an ugly habit, particularly when it involves implying that the only reason anyone thinks ill of your intelligence is your good looks. Point the third: You are not that cute. I'm sorry. Normally, I wouldn't bring it up, but since you decided you would, I will. You're not. Point the fourth: It is my very least favorite form of self-delusion among certain kinds of women that intentionally making your life easier by playing into stereotypes is empowering in some mysterious way that simply eludes less evolved feminist minds. Go ahead and climb aboard the elevator if you're not up to taking the stairs, but don't kid yourself that you're working just as hard to get where you're going. Point the fifth: Why do they assume they need a strategy to get guys to help them in order to win, if they're so very intelligent? I'll just let them think on that one for a while. Let me know if you see their ears start to smoke.

Michael and Kathy are dating, but they live apart, so they've never spent more than five days at a time together. From their opening shot, it appears that this is because he spends all of his time jetting around the world to work on the muscles in his inner thighs. They could crush your skull in four seconds. You wouldn't feel a thing. He also has one of those weird soul-patch-goatee hybrid beards. Like, pick an unfortunate era in the development of facial hair trends and commit, for God's sake. If it helps, go look at a time series of Ethan Hawke movies. Michael opines in an interview that "on day seven, she might be clawing [his] eyes out or somethin'." I can't tell whether he has some kind of southern accent, or just talks very, very slowly.

Dennis and Andrew are father and son (respectively). Dennis is a Southern Baptist, and Andrew is a gay cheerleader. Whee! It's just like they say in Gypsy: You gotta have a gimmick. Andrew sits on the boat clapping in an extremely excitable manner. He says that he and his father don't always see eye-to-eye, almost making it sound like Dad objects to the cheerleading as much as to the being gay. We see the two of them on a football field, where Dad sits in a chair looking chagrined while Andrew does a fabulous standing back flip. Well, that'll come in handy if they win. Andrew predicts that they will either come back as "best friends," or someone will be filing a restraining order. Heh. Flo and Zach are friends, and they're not attracted to each other very much, but neither of them is making any progress with anyone else, so they're starting to think maybe they should just get married so they don't have to go on bad dates anymore. At least that's my interpretation. Technically, all they actually say is that they're friends, and they're pondering dating. For some reason that I suspect has a basis in either trauma or pharmaceuticals, Zach likes to wrap his mop of reddish-brown, unkempt, curly locks in a variety of girlish headbands. I think I'm starting to figure out why he's still available. Go get him, ladies! Erladies? He actually looks a lot like Chrissy on Growing Pains did after she took Miracle-Gro and became seven years old overnight.

Derek and Drew are identical twins. And models. And -- ew. They're models? That's interesting. I find them sort of weird-looking. In an interview, they talk about how much Drew likes girls and what a great strategy flirting is. We see them cavorting on the beach, just like they would if it were a women's intimate care product commercial. Only they'd be, you know, women. "We'll be cutthroat with a smile," says the less weird-looking one. Hey, just like me! Except for the smile.

Gina and Sylvia are calling themselves the "soccer moms." Oh, good. I hope the "focus group" thought your "demographic" would help the "big picture." They're from South Carolina, and they drawl for a while about how they represent stay-at-home moms, and how it's the hardest job in the world. There's a shot of them with their kids, and it's hard to tell whether the kids in the background, who are actually playing soccer, are theirs or not. If they are, there's a big gap between them and the little teeny kids Gina and Sylvia are sitting with in the shot. If they aren't, thenI'm sorry, but none of the little kids looks old enough to play soccer. Unless it's as the ball. Maybe "ring-around-the-rosie moms" didn't test as well with women aged 25-49.

Tramel and Talicia are brother and sister. They're from Gary, Indiana, which is distracting because it makes me feel like I should hold my breath. I always do when I drive that stretch from Chicago across the top of Illinois and Indiana, because I can just feel my cancer risk increasing with every mile. So I hold my breath. And drive fast. And try not to touch anything. Anyway, Talicia explains that Tramel is "a genius." Hmm. He's not exactly wearing a genius expression, but I suppose we'll let it go for now. She tells us that he's brilliant without having to do any work. He responds that he makes up for his "laziness" by being able to "think on the fly." Eh.

Aaron and Arianne. You may think that they met at the annual meeting of the "This Name Is Your Name, This Name Is My Name" Club, but in fact, they are lifelong friends. In their intro clip, we see them on a basketball court doing that hand-slapping routine that I, at least, learned as an accompaniment to the McDonalds song about "two all beef patties" and so forth. I put it away about twenty years ago and have never needed it again. Somebody was really, really desperate for material that would make them look fun-loving, I fear. Ech. On the boat, they are wearing "Ag" and "Au" periodic-table-knockoff shirts. Pu. (That's putridium, for those of you keeping score in your chemistry texts.) They call themselves "alternative." And as we all know, the number one rule of the word "alternative" is that (say it with me) if you label yourself alternative, then you're not. Radio stations across America have learned this the hard way. Arianne says, in a way she believes is really cute, that they will be willing to "think outside the box." Arianne is dead to me.

Teri and Ian are your designated Couple Over Forty. She says that "with age, [they] have experience and knowledge." And a kind of leathery appearance, I have to say. But of course, they're from Florida, so they've seen a lot of hard living on their way to the Early Bird Special. Moreover, while she's talking, he's staring off into space looking like nothing on earth has ever bored him more than when his wife talks. I dislike him on sight. We see them topple off the back of a boat wearing snorkel gear. (Don't worry. It's on purpose.) "We're the leaders, not the followers," Ian says. You know, I think there may be a rule for "leaders" that's similar to the rule for "alternative."

Andre and Damon are a cop and a firefighter, although I honestly couldn't tell you which is which. They've also both spent time in the military, which seems like good training for this, too.

Ken and Gerard are wacky, crazy, opposite brothers! Ho-ho! Gerard explains that he is conservative, and Kenny is liberal! He's a Republican, and Kenny is a Democrat! He's straight with kids, and Kenny is gay without kids! He has an innie belly button, and Kenny has an outie! Okay, he doesn't say that. But it's probably true. When we see them together in one of their kitchens, Gerard is preparing meat in a shirt and tie. Hee. What I love about them instantly is that they're not doing the thing where the liberal gay guy is funny and the conservative straight guy is a stick-in-the-mud, or the thing where they're constantly at odds over their differences. They appear equally funny and silly throughout this entire episode, and they seem to completely dig each other, and that is hugely cooler than the other way this could have gone.

John Vito and Jill are dating. And they're from Staten Island. And her brother was his best friend, and died in the World Trade Center. So she is of the opinion that they have a "team of three." Her hair is very unfortunate. She needs to pick a color, pick a place to put her part, and I think, umpick a more frequent shampooing schedule. He is actually another sufferer from Ambiguous Facial Hair Syndrome. What's more, he's a good foot-and-a-half taller than she is (or it looks that way), which I have to think can't be comfortable. They may be able to save money on plane tickets if he can hoist her into the overhead compartment, though.

Now the teams make their way on foot across swampy, grassy terrain. In this shot, would you like to guess what Tramel is wearing? Yep. That's a Tilley. That's the Tilley. I have to admit, though, he wears it with a certain amount of flair. On him? Not that bad. Maybe I should take it as a shout-out. Phil speculates about whether the teams can combine "brains, brawn, and teamwork" and "stand up to the stress of traveling together." I think the real question is who should be eaten first if they run into tigers. I'm voting for Heather and Eve. "These are the questions waiting to be answered as we get ready to begin" Here, Phil pauses dramatically. Fish spawn. The ozone hole divides again. John Ashcroft covers up some more naked statues at the Justice Department. "The Amazing Race," he finishes.

Cut to the teams, standing in a semicircle as Phil gives the final instructions. Thirteen legs, nine elimination points (in other words, they've lost one of the nonelimination legs by adding another team). You know, these teams have a lot of sparkly teeth. I mean, last year it was really just the one Tooth-alicious team, but this year? Oh, yeah. It's pretty much everybody. Aaron smirks inappropriately at the discussion of elimination points. Also, he is wearing yellow sunglasses. Shut up, Aaron. (Wow, and he's not even talking. He and I are not off to a good start at all.) Phil tells them they'll get a little money, which has to cover everything but plane tickets. Yes, Phil, we know! Let's go let's go let's go! The first clue, as always, is with the luggage. "Is everybody ready?" Phil asks. They all "woo!" in response. "The world is waiting for you. Good luck, travel safe. GO!"

It's so wrong how much I love this show.

One of the twins is out in front as everyone approaches the assembled backpacks. The clue tells them to get themselves to the Angel of Independence in Mexico City. You can only travel on one of three flights, and seats are first-come, first-served. They only get a hundred bucks for this leg. First step is to run to a fleet of SUVs, and the first to get there are the twins. One of the soccer moms racks herself running along the dirt road and pitches forward onto her knees. "Oh, jeez!" she exclaims. She must be carrying Bactine, though, if she's a real soccer mom. Backpacks are thrown into hatchbacks, and they're off. "Go, Zach! Follow those twins!" Flo urges. As the twins buckle up, I realize one of the things I think is weird about them. They look like David Duchovny, if his face were wider, and there were two of him. As Aaron and Arianne peel out, they yell "Wooo!" I have already had just about enough "woo!", and if you think about it, it's really, really early. In fact, we haven't even seen the

Credits. Yeah, I'm not up to lyrics again. I was scraping against the bottom of the barrel by the end of last season. On the other hand, I don't want to waste the valuable real estate that the credits would otherwise occupy. You should do something valuable with yourself while we wait for the you-know-what at the end of the song. So here goes. The population of wading birds nesting in colonies in the southern Everglades is seven percent of what it was in the 1930s. The four figures at the corners of the Angel of Independence statue in Mexico City represent Peace, Justice, War, and Law. The angel had to be replaced at one point after an earthquake knocked her over. The literacy rate in Mexico is 89.2 percent. Pablo was the 339th most popular name in the United States in 1999. [BOMP.]

Flo tells us again that they're going to the Angel of Independence in Mexico City. You will be shocked to hear that American Airlines, the Official Airline of Comfort Food, Endorphins, Foreplay, and Great Wealth has returned as the carrier of the first flight -- the 1:40 PM flight you really, really want. It takes Dennis a minute to catch on to the fact that there are specifically designated flights, because he originally thinks that Choice Number Two -- Aeromexico, Official Airline of Spoiled Cheese and Being Left at the Altar -- would logically have more flights to Mexico City. Andrew explains that the American Airlines flight they're allowed to take is at 1:40, and the Aeromexico flight isn't until 2:20. Meanwhile, in Tramel and Talicia's SUV, he is picking on her driving. "Okay," he says, "We need to drive a little less like Mommy and a little more like Daddy." Taken as a general comment, that would suck like a Hoover, but I got the impression it was a reference to their actual mom and their actual dad, in which case it's a little funny. He voices over that they have the same parents, so he figures that some of his "perfection" must be buried in her somewhere. Ew. Shut up. On the other hand, I have to say I sort of get the impression he's kidding, at least somewhat. For instance, he says, "This team's so lucky to have me," and then he cracks himself up. If that's self-deprecating, it's amusing. If it's not? Yeah, we have a problem.

As Jill and John Vito head for the Miami airport, she talks about the fact that after her brother died, John Vito comforted her, and that was how they became close. In the Heather and Eve SUV, Taller Annoying Girl, who is in the back seat, tells Shorter Annoying Girl, who is driving, to pass all the other teams, who are traveling in a line. Given the way they're all in that convoy, I have to believe that convoy is traveling at the speed limit, which means that the fluffheads are speeding, and once again I will gripe that if this is how well they're going to enforce the rules, it's going to be a frustrating season. I'm saying, have rules or don't have rules, but don't have them and not enforce them, because all that does is screw the people who try to follow them. This theory is bolstered by the way Flo yells at Zach, "Go as fast as they're going." Translation: If they're not going to get a penalty for it, we can go at least that fast. Shorter Annoying Girl cuts someone off in traffic and then throws her head back and laughs and pulls up one shoulder in a way she clearly believes is adorable, because while she may have passed Torts, she clearly flunked Self-Awareness.

Andre and Damon egregiously run a red light. Oh, nice example, there, law enforcement types. "Do as I say, not as I did when you watched me last night on television." That's going to make for some good traffic stops. Ahead of them, the twins choose not to take the turnpike, even when they see in their rearview (hee hee) mirror that Andre and Damon took it. Andre and Damon, meanwhile, are convinced that they have it in the bag, because the signs say the airport is indeed the way they're going. Andre (I think) does a little boogie dance in the back seat. Before you know it, though, they have to stop to pay the toll. Gina and Sylvia get stuck at the toll plaza as well, and pass the time voicing over about how they're trying to teach their kids that anything is possible by driving really fast to the airport.

In the Teri and Ian car, he says to her, "Since we're going to have time at the airport, prepare my backpack to throw on my back." No, he does. He says, "Prepare my backpack." He manages not to say "woman" at the end, though. So at least there's that. He voices over that he's "a bit overcontrolling." I make a note of it. Yeah, I think he's going to be a problem. He tells Teri that he thinks the Aeromexico flight won't make any stops, whereas he thinks the American flight might. He thinks he remembers that they flew Aeromexico on their honeymoon and flew direct. "That was so long ago, honey, who can remember?" she mutters, as she rummages in the back. Heh. Apparently, they are not familiar with this show OR with the principles of product-placement, because American Airlines is certainly not going to pay to be portrayed as the Official Airline of Seeming Faster But Turning Out To Be Slower, a.k.a. the Official Airline of Accidentally Screwing Yourself.

The drunken cameramen careen around Miami as the teams streak down the highway to the airport. The twins, however, are not there at all. They're somewhere else entirely. But at least they're there together, and I think we know that's all that really matters. Andre and Damon and Michael and Kathy, on the other hand, appear at the airport and head inside. Seizure-inducing quick shots of the airport and its various attractions flash by, and you'd really think they'd be so fast that you couldn't notice them. But of course, I have TiVo. I see everything. You know what the sequence of shots is? An American Airlines plane. A schedule board. Ticket agents. A board that says "Air France Aeromexico Virgin Atlantic." Mexico City out the window of a plane. A ticket agent's hands typing. American Airlines gate markers. An American Airlines sign. And then we're inside. Some of that product-placement just about qualifies as subliminal advertising. Wow, creepy.

Michael and Kathy enter the airport and approach the ticket counter, as do Andre and Damon. Meanwhile, John Vito and Jill pull up outside, followed by Dennis and Andrew and Aaron and Arianne. Everyone goes for their luggage. "Let's go, let's go," Aaron whines. Shut up, Aaron. Taller and Shorter Annoying Girls emerge from their vehicle. As they go inside, Phil voices over that there are enough seats on the American flight for seven teams. The rest will be stuck on Aeromexico. (Wah-wah-waaaaah.) Heather and Eve check in on American. They're first on the flight. Booo. Shorter (who I think is Eve) claps dimly. John Vito and Jill are on the American flight, and then Andre and Damon make it, once one of them finishes a wild wrestling match with the straps that mark off the little serpentine path you have to walk through when you're waiting in line. Heh. I love the physical comedy. Aaron and Arianne are fourth, and take a moment to gripe over Andre and Damon's line-jumping. Not that it mattered in the slightest. "What goes around comes around," Arianne says in a way that she thinks is ominous. Not. She's about as intimidating as a Volkswagen Beetle. A pink one. Covered in Hello Kitty stickers.

Ken and Gerard make their way to the airport. Gerard wants to blow off American and head for Aeromexico, because they're behind anyway. Talicia, meanwhile, is "Oh, God"-ing over the traffic.

Back at the airport, Michael and Kathy land seats on American, and when they're told that they probably can't sit together, he says, "That's okay. I don't even like her." Oh, har har. She says that the thing that will be hardest for her to get used to is how laid back he is. If it were me, I'd think the hardest thing to get used to would be his beard. Easily.

Elsewhere, somewhere on an airport shuttle, Teri and Ian are talking to Flo and Zach -- or, rather, Ian is talking. "It's a flip! It's a choice between American and Aeromexico." I think he doesn't get the point of all this, maybe, because it's not at all a flip. The American flight is an hour earlier, Captain Know-It-All. When the shuttle driver tells them that Aeromexico is closer than American, Ian decides they'll all go to Aeromexico. There's no reason at all to do that, of course, so either he didn't really listen to the clue, or he's not really a terrifically analytical guy. He gets Flo and Zach to go along at first, though. The four of them run in. When Teri and Ian are checking in, Flo starts muttering that they should probably at least check on the first flight before they sign up for the second flight. She and Zach eventually choose this option, and they bolt from the Aeromexico counter. They wind up sixth on the American flight, and right behind them are Dennis and Andrew. Andrew mouths "yes" very broadly, and holds up his hands in this gestureI don't even know where to begin.

And now, the joy of panhandling. If you like the pathetic begging going on over at SaveKaryn.com, you're going to love this display of whatever word most clearly connotes the opposite of dignity. Heather and Eve have decided that although they are intelligent, it's more fun to just beg, which requires no intelligence at all. They say they're looking for young men, who they are guessing will give them money because they're so gorgeous. They hit up a guy who looks a little incredulous, but not exactly smitten. He gives them a couple of bucks, which I suspect has as much to do with the camera as it does with the girls. Remember, Gary and Dave successfully panhandled, too. It's not like it means you're hot. If they approached me in an airport, I'd probably give them a dollar, too, if they promised they would then go away. A couple of other guys give them money, and then they sit down to count. They've got more than fifty bucks, and all they had to do was embrace and encourage the very stereotypes they claim they are trying to dispel. I suppose it's quite a good idea, if you don't mind the price tag. Personally, I think it's a little steep.

The first flight boards. Andrew says to his dad, "My first time out of the country!" And then he hangs his mouth open and waggles his shoulders. It's safe to say that Andrew is not exactly putting his father at ease. Which is awesome. The flight -- look at that enormous, hulking American Airlines plane, and how beautiful it is! Wouldn't you like to ride one just like it? -- takes off.

Back in Loserville, the second flight boards as strangely creepy music plays. The twins, Gina and Sylvia, Ken and Gerard, Teri and Ian, and Tramel and Talicia are on this flight. Everyone has one thing on their minds -- the shame of being the first ones out.

Commercials. Catherine Zeta-Jones thinks you need a new cell phone. Because she knows what it's like to curl up with something old and awkward.

A pair of Amazing Yellow Lines trace the flights from Miami to Mexico City. Phil recaps the seven-five split between first plane and second plane. He explains that they'll need to get to the statue called the Angel of Independence. More drunken careening in Mexico City, and then the American plane lands. Lots of jumping into cabs ensues. Aaron tells his driver in Spanish that it's an emergency. He then voices over that their strategy involves using their "sense of humor," "wit," "charm," and "sex appeal." Hmm, 0-for-4. Off to a flying start. Shut up, Aaron. (I think that would make a useful macro.) Man, they're lucky Heather and Eve are here, or they would have an uncontested hold on Most Annoying Team. I cannot stand them. Zach knows some Spanish as well, and he's chatting with their driver about the cost of the taxi. Not much he can do about it now, of course. "Don't fuck with the man," Flo tells him. He says in an interview that he fears that Flo can't "cut it," because she's so "high-maintenance." Ouch.

Andrew, meanwhile, knows just enough Spanish to annoy his driver. "Andale, arriba," he says. Oh, that's a good idea. Because Mexican cab drivers love it when they know you're getting every word from Speedy Gonzalez cartoons. He does try out a few more words, but he calls the cab driver "tu," which I think I wouldn't. If I'm remembering right, which I might not be. I don't remember whether you're allowed to be inappropriately familiar with people like cab drivers, but I think I'd err on the side of "not."

Aaron and Arianne and Michael and Kathy are the first pairs to the statue. Aaron reads the clue, and it tells them to find a guy named Pablo. From just a picture. I would have really enjoyed seeing them just wander around aimlessly, asking random strangers if they knew Pablo. Alas, they catch on to the trick, which is to ask people to help them identify the building Pablo is standing in front of in the picture. Andre and Damon and Flo and Zach show up . Everyone seems just a trifle dubious about the Pablo hunt. People on the street have no trouble identifying the building, though, so the teams are on Pablo's trail in no time. They're told to look at Zocalo Square. Aaron notes that the second plane is just landing.

Hey, look! The second plane! Everyone runs for taxis. In an interview, Teri discusses winning. "Winning is everything," she says. "Winning is fun." You'll notice those two statements are not synonymous. She does not notice.

Back in drunken, careening Mexico City, Aaron and Arianne (I cannot tell you how much I already hate typing that) think they've found the spot where Pablo should be. Andre and Damon are hot on their heels. But Aaron and Arianne find Pablo first, and the clue he hands them tells them to check in with Mexi-Mini Charters at the Hotel de Cortes. Phil Phil-overs that when they get to the hotel, they will have to sign up for seats on one of three charter buses leaving the day, two hours apart. Four teams to a bus. Aaron starts walking around trying to ask where the Hotel de Cortes is, but he is actually asking where the Hotel de Cortes is from. Smooth one, there, Fourth Amigo. He eventually gets directions in spite of himself.

Andre and Damon find Pablo, followed by Flo and Zach. Michael and Kathy continue looking. Michael knows some Spanish, too. This is really interesting -- they've never had anywhere near this kind of foreign language skill spread so broadly across teams. Seems like a good thing. Aaron and Arianne, meanwhile, are first to the hotel, so they make it on the first bus. Aaron puts up his fists and says, "Yess!" Which of course makes me think of Guido Bill. Ah, where are all the worthwhile villains these days? Anyway, he voices over that their strategy is to "be a leader, not a follower." So their strategy is to be first. What very advanced critical thinking, coming up with that strategy. They are certainly getting their money's worth out of what I'm sure are their advanced educations.

Michael and Kathy find Pablo at last. They read the clue and take off. Bucking the trend of Spanish-speaking among the contestants, Andre and Damon stand in the middle of the square yelling for someone who speaks English. Hmm. You know, of all the things that could turn into disadvantages that would make you lose time, knowing less Spanish than other teams seems like an unusually fair one.

Flo and Zach and John Vito and Jill get to the hotel at the same time, and both land on the first bus. Last onto that bus are Michael and Kathy. Wow, Andre and Damon have slipped substantially while trying to get from Pablo to the hotel. First on the second bus are Heather and Eve, and they are quickly followed by Andrew and Dennis. Finally, Andre and Damon make it in.

Back at Zocalo Square, Ken and Gerard are looking for Pablo, while the twins have just arrived and are contemplating leaving their bags. In the taxi. In Mexico City. Their driver promises he'll drive around and come back for them. Wow, these guys are certainly walking crime bait. I'm tempted to use them to try out that Nigerian email scheme that always starts with some statement like, "Please take care to read carefully my tale, as I am hoping you will see the way to helping me with my difficulties and perhaps to help yourself even in the process of doing this." Gerard and Ken spot Pablo, and they just about collide with Derek and Drew and Gina and Sylvia in getting to him. Once the clues have been opened, Kenny and Gerard are off, as are Gina and Sylvia, but the twins have to wait for their driver. Because he's coming back with their bags. Any minute now, they are just sure. They allow as how this might not have been the smartest thing they could have done.

Commercials. Oh, yes, please. Can I please see Jackie Chan and Jennifer Love Hewitt in The Bionic Man and the Breasts of Wonder? Sounds great. I'll just be over here pounding my head against this wall.

Derek and Drew continue to despair. "We may be through," they moan. I somehow doubt I will get that lucky.

Teri and Ian, apparently having found Pablo during the commercials, get to the hotel . They are the lucky team from the second plane that manages to move up in the bunching by making the ten o'clock bus. Tramel and Talicia, having found the Angel, Pablo, and the hotel without being shown on camera once, sign up for bus seats . Finally, back at Zocalo Square, the twins' cab comes to fetch them. Man, talk about getting away with one.

Night falls in Mexico City, and it looks like the teams are staying at the hotel for the night. Gina and Sylvia go on a little field trip to find some food. While they're out, they run into a little girl in the store who comes up to one of them (I have no idea which) and grabs her around the legs. The soccer mom picks up the little girl, and later weeps in her interview about how she was so touched, because the little girl weighed the same as her daughter weighs. Wow, that'sa pretty sensitive person. I mean, maybe if they looked alike, butweighs the same? I suppose.

Morning. Waking and stretching occurs. Teeth are brushed. Aaron declares that he and Arianne are "ready to go kick ass." She prepares for the day with her hair poofed out to week and wrapped in a red bandanna. Wow, Zach has his hair almost exactly the same way. Including the bandanna. They could be twins. Ken and Gerard, meanwhile, say that because they were stuck in the "loser group" on the last bus, they decided to go for the Fast Forward. Phil explains that a Fast Forward lets you skip the rest of the leg and go right to the end, but it's only good for the first team that finds it. As usual, he has the able assistance of Exposition Hands. They look like they've been well. They could maybe use a little lotion. Phil points out that a team can only get one FF in the entire race, so they have to figure out "when it's most advantageous to go for it." I was originally going to say I wanted to be in a band called Advantageous To Go For It, but now I'm thinking maybe just Advantageous To Go. It would sound like a combination of the Fast Forward and fast food. I would play the drums and trash the hotel rooms. At any rate, the Fast Forward this week requires teams to go to Santo Domingo Plaza, to an area of what Phil calls "street typists and printers," whose function is apparently to type and print letters on behalf of people who can't read or write. I guess that makes sense. The expression "street typists" is an interesting one. I was envisioning something more sinister. Like, "If you don't teach your children about punctuation at home in a mature and loving environment, they will learn about it from street typists." Once they find the plaza, they'll need to find the person working there who has the FF clue.

Back at the hotel, the twins are waiting, because they are also planning to go for the FF. They run into Ken and Gerard waiting out the last few minutes before they leave to find it (hours of operation start at 8:00 AM). The teams agree that whoever finds it will give a shout so that the other team won't spend another hour looking for it. An interesting decision on everyone's part. On one hand, you should obviously not help other teams avoid time loss as a general rule. On the other hand, all you really care about is getting it, because then you'll be off and you won't be last (unless you completely screw up after you win it). So you don't care that much where the other FF-seeking team winds up in the group of twelve. Meanwhile, it might be a chance to earn a little goodwill. So it seems counterintuitive, but reallywhy not? In an interview, Ken talks about the fact that they realized they were planning to take a taxi to the plaza, whereas Derek and Drew were planning on running there. "Wonder Twins!" Ken cries, imitating them with a low voice and an exaggerated, Hasselhoff-in-Baywatch-style slow-running motion. Gerard then imitates the twins holding a moistened finger up in the air to gauge the wind direction. "Great weath-ah for a run!", he says in his deep, comedic, macho-man voice. Hee! They're funny.

At 7:45 AM, everyone takes off. Kenny and Gerard are on foot, and Derek and Drew are taking their fabulous, manly feet for a spin. Gerard speaks Spanish to the cab driver, and his sounds much better than anyone else's. It makes Aaron's Spanish sound like it came exclusively from watching a few Univision soap operas. Running. Cabbing. And among other things, he addresses the people working the booths without the inappropriate familiarity of Andrew in the cab. See? I was right. And Mr. DaSilva thought I wasn't learning anything. He never should have kicked me out of class. And Gerard makes funny faces, too! I'm telling you, they can come right over here and sit with me. Just at 8:00, the twins arrive at the plaza, where Ken and Gerard are already trying out booths to see if they can find the FF. After a couple of false starts, Gerard and Ken find it. Yay! They go to read it, as Derek and Drew continue to run around. Phil explains that Ken and Gerard can now go directly to the pit stop, which is the Hacienda de Words In Spanish That Phil's Accent Makes It Impossible To Decipher. There is a very dramatic shot of the red and yellow Pit Stop Mat of Destiny. Kenny reminds Gerard that they have to hang around and tell Derek and Drew that they got the FF. Gerard asks him why they would do that. "Because we told them we would," Ken says exasperatedly. And so they do. The non-models are surprised to see the models sweating a little when they finally find them. "They even sweat, those gods," Kenny says dramatically. They then discuss the fact that they think the Boys of Buffness took it a little hard that they were beaten by the "fat bald guys." Well, if there's one thing this show teaches, it's not to underestimate fat bald guys. "Those pretty boys are goin' down," Gerard voices over. Heh. Derek and Drew are disappointed, and head back for the noon bus. So honestly, going for it was pretty much a free shot, given the late bus.

As for using the Fast Forward earlywell, yeah, it sucks. But the real sucking came from the fact that they missed the American Airlines plane and got bunched toward the back. You've got to avoid elimination every week, however you can, and I think this was the safest way. Will they wish they had it later? Yes. But you have to deal with those weeks when they come. Besides, using the Fast Forward late or early has yet to really make a huge difference in anyone's fortunes. Teams have been eliminated who never got around to using it at all, and of course Esquire not only used it the first week but used it when it was basically worthless because of the way the leg was arranged, and it didn't hurt them any. So it's hard to say.

Phil tells us that the non-FF teams are taking buses to Tequesquitengo Airfield. Okay, that is the best name of an airfield ever. Imagine the promotional T-shirts. And if I worked there, I would be forced to constantly say I was getting ready to go do the Tequesquitengo Tango. On the 8:00 AM bus, we have Aaron and Arianne, Flo and Zach, John Vito and Jill, and Michael and Kathy. Wow. It's the Bus Of Boy-Girl Non-Related Teams. The bus at 10:00 carries Heather and Eve, Dennis and Andrew, Andre and Damon, and Teri and Ian. On the noon bus are Tramel and Talicia, Gina and Sylvia, and Derek and Drew. It looks like the bus ride is about two hours, because the first bus gets in at the airfield a little after 10:00. Everyone runs. (This is the bus of the young and beautiful, remember.)

Now it's time for the Detour. A Detour, as Phil explains, is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. As Phil explains the Detour, a donkey happily munches the grass in the background. In this particular detour, they have to choose between Wings and Wheels. Wings involves skydiving. Wheels involves a seven-mile donkey-cart ride. Okay, seriously, this is the first leg. This is where you get off to your roaring start. You skydive, dammit, and I don't want to hear any complaining. You almost have to skydive on principle. You skydive so that you know you can do anything you need to do along the way, you skydive so that the other teams know you're fearless, and you skydive because that's what you came on this trip to do. Remember the first episode of the first season? Did anyone walk down the mountain instead of doing the jump? No. You skydive, dammit. But Flo and Zach and Michael and Kathy want to go for the donkeys. They should be eliminated just for that. How not-in-the-spirit-of-things can you get? A donkey cart? Whatever. Fortunately, when Flo and Zach see that the donkey ride is seven miles, he basically tells her they're not doing it, they're skydiving. I may wind up suing him for intentional infliction of emotional distress based on his hair, but Zach certainly gets a point for that. Michael and Kathy ride off in the donkey cart.

The skydiving plane takes off with John Vito and Jill, Flo and Zach, and Aaron and Arianne inside. Michael and Kathy see the plane from the ground and realize that they may not have made exactly the right choice. John Vito and Jill jump first. They appear to have quite the good time. Ditto Aaron and Arianne. When they land, we find out that John Vito and Jill are sporting their best camo gear -- she has a tank, and he has the pants. How very paramilitary of them. When they open the clue on the ground, they find out that they have to go to what it is now clear is the Hacienda San Gabriel de las Palmas. It's very beautiful, and a former monastery. The last team to arrive will be eliminated, Phil explains, and then a gong sounds, so you know he's totally serious.

JV and Jill hop in a white van, which I guess is the designated form of transportation. She struggles mightily with the gears. Hee.

Gerard and Ken make it to the hacienda. They are greeted by the local greeter, who hardly gets to do anything now that Phil has just about taken over the Mat of Destiny. Rather foolishly, Phil attempts to build suspense before telling them that they're first to arrive. Duh, Phil. I also don't like this shirt on Phil. It's too baby blue. He needs deep-water blue. I'm just saying. He also tells them that they've won a cruise after the show for winning the leg. It's courtesy of Aeromexico. Just kidding.

Up in the plane, Flo and Zach jump. She voices over that her parents are going to kill her, and they're going to kill Zach. Why would they kill Zach? Like she's eight, and he tells her what to do? Like they didn't know The Amazing Race would eventually ask you to do something glamorously risky? Give me a break. Aaron lands, followed by Flo and Zach. Aaron wonders where Arianne is. Yeah, don't get excited. You wish she were tangled in power lines. Zach opens the clue for the hacienda, and they're off. Arianne lands at last.

Meanwhile, the second bus has arrived. Everyone runs toward the clue box. Once they check out the options, the peer pressure in this group is strangely backwards. Andre and Damon, Dennis and Andrew, Teri and Ian, and Heather and Eve all initially opt for the donkey carts. Have they never seen this show? This is a classic Reckless/Chicken detour, and the Chicken option is designed to suck, because they want to see you do the Reckless! Losers. Taller Annoying Girl -- who it turns out is Heather -- wants to skydive, but Shorter Annoying Girl (Eve) got enough crazy thrills from her wacky antics cutting off other people in traffic, so she's not up for it. It's a good thing, too, because I couldn't be happier they wound up on this particular cart with this particular donkey. (Putting, as Mr. Pseudostudent said, the tart before the horse. Snerk.)

Jill continues her slow murder of the white van. Now it's smoking from the underside. Yeah, I wonder why.

Much slow donkey-riding. "Ben-Hur ain't got nothin' on this," Andrew observes. As Heather and Eve are about to get going, their driver gets out to go and pull the donkey or something. As he does, the donkey decides to turn to the side a little. This dislodges the donkey cart, causing it to suddenly pitch and tip over forward. If you watch this part on very slo-mo (as I did several times), first you will see the girls sort of land on their knees against the front of the cart as it whomps against the ground. But the momentum is too much for Heather, who continues right out the front of the cart and lands directly on her face in the dust. Now we could sit here, and I could tell you that I really hope she wasn't hurt (which I do). And I could tell you that I've been in enough embarrassing situations that I certainly feel for anyone to whom something that horrifying actually happens (which I have). And I could tell you that in reality, there was no harm done except possibly to her shirt (which there was). Or I could be as honest as I possibly can, and tell you that if I ever find that donkey, I am going to give him enough money to allow him to retire and live out a comfortable life in Donkeyland, munching on whatever he'd like for the rest of his natural donkey days, while I sit in my house watching Heather fall on her nose in an unending loop until it stops being funny. Which will be never. It's even better when she immediately pops up, hoping no one saw her, and declares in her best no-problem voice, "This is a nightmare." She announces that they're skydiving. Heh. Way to make a grab for your dignity.

As the girls walk back toward the skydiving option, Eve complains that she isn't sure she can do the skydiving. "You're gonna be awesome," Heather says, sounding a little bit more like Torrance than Torrance ever did. Cementing their reputations as Dark Hair and Light Hair II: Darker and Lighter, Eve asks the instructor whether people often die doing this. He indulgently tells her no. Eve begins freaking out anyway. Now she's crying. "This is my biggest fear in life," she blubbers. What? Skydiving? That's your biggest fear in life? I'd say at this point it ought to be malpractice, but I suppose that's just me.

Commercials. A thong pantyliner? Have people been clamoring for that? Is that practical? Aren't we sort of working at cross-purposes there? I mean, if you think you're gonna needoh, never mind.

Suspenseful music plays in the background as Eve contemplates her death. "What if our parachute doesn't open?" she sobs. Heather assures her that there is a backup parachute. "What if both of our parachutes don't open?" she says haughtily, sure that she has found a crack in this seemingly ironclad argument. I wish he would just say, "Well, yes. Then you would die, splattered in a field like cow patties." But he doesn't. Heather just assures her that if they get up there and she can't do it, they can always come back down and fall off the donkey carts some more. They suit up. Eve then elaborates that she hates being in the air, and finds it "unnatural," and feels the same way about being in planes. Wait a minute. You came on The Amazing Race and you're afraid ofairplanes? That is rich. Did you see that? They just became high comedy, right there. When they are airborne, she continues sobbing.

Ninth place at the finish goes to Teri and Ian. As the last three teams battle to get to the hacienda, Talicia almost manages to drive onto a freshly-paved road. Oops. The road crew guy successfully gets her to turn around at what's basically the last possible minute. Sheesh. Everyone struggles with van problems, and Tramel eventually has to provide a push to get them going again. They're sure that they're last, but the twins and the moms aren't doing any better. Derek and Drew wind up offering twenty bucks to someone to take them there (they'll follow in the van).

Tramel and Talicia, certain that they are eliminated, walk toward Phil. "The walk of shame is almost over," he says, and she chuckles. "You're team number ten," Phil tells them. They scream. And whoop. And jump around. And dance. It's actually really cute. Phil's smiling, but you can tell he's like, "Wow, whatever, weirdos." Talicia runs over and hugs Phil. Hey, hands off the host!

So now the soccer moms and the twins battle for survival. "We're not good at this game," a twin says. "The real break is if somebody else is more lost than we got," a mom says. A van pulls in between the red and yellow flags. We see the space between the pillars, and we know a team is about to come around the corner. AnditisDerek and Drew. So the bumbling non-hotties live to fight another day, which for the good of the show is probably an okay outcome, despite the fact that I thought seeing the young male buff Fine Young Dudes eliminated in the first episode would certainly be a refreshing change of pace. Derek and Drew tell Phil that they are "by far the worst at this game amongst all these people." And that was a little funny. There may be hope for them.

The moms come tearing up the path toward Phil, still hoping for the best. When they land on the mat, Phil tells them that they are Philiminated. They are sad, but say it's okay (doesn't everyone?). They talk about how proud they are, and how well they did. Somewhat strangely, they talk about how they wanted to do the race to prove to their kids that they can do anything. Phil looks bored as they prattle on. Adios, soccer moms. Say hello to your hooligans for me.

Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.

Note that in the bumper to commercial, we see Heather fall on her face again. Ah, good times.

week: Arianne proves that she's really cool and hip and happening by taking her top off, because women who "think inside the box" would never do that. Derek and Drew fight over who is prettier. Ian gets wet. Heh.