It's Hammer Time

Previously on It Takes Sixty Votes To End A Philibuster, But One Judge Can Invalidate A Wil: Kangaroos weren't especially relevant to the race, but they did an efficient job of conveying the key concept of Hey, Dummy, You Are In Australia! The outback was a challenge, but a fabulous fleet of SUVs, a harem of friendly truck drivers, and a few chartered puddle-jumpers were very helpful. The Teeth clenched when Boston baked their beans, but then Paige said, "Form of -- a red boat!" and Blake said, "Shape of -- a river!" and they used the Fast Forward to zip into the lead. Wil overcame his fear of heights and Danny overcame his fear of being strangled by Oswald, and everyone bungee-jumped successfully. In New Zealand, there were sheep. And more sheep. And they were not just regular sheep -- they were crafty and speedy and quite frankly not very obedient. Wil yelled at them, but Tara told them not to take it personally. Chris endeared himself to silly women all over America, and Oswald proved that even more than Spanish, charm is the universal language. Four teams remain. Who will be eliminated...tonight!?

Credits. As Pete Seeger once said, don't let your neighbor look at you peculiarly if you sing too loud: "Here's! A! Plane! Big words about! The! Game! That's Blake and Paige! (Just! Friends!) Norm, Hope, and Cha-Cha's Benz! Ta-ra, Wil! Hang glider, Deidre, Hil! One map, no necks! The Revs...Peg, Claire...Team Thunk...Peach hair! Xe-rox...Boats! Sun! Street! The beach in blinding heat! Big logo! [BOMP.]"

Commercials. Teach your child to have hope. To strive for success. To never lose faith. To dare to dream. To buy the big television.

Invernary Sheep Station, New Zealand. We've got sheep. Oh, boy, have we got sheep. We've got loads and miles and teeming hills of them. Need a wool sweater? Need a wool hat? Wool blazer? Steel wool? Eager to shop at Woolworth's? You've come to the right place. (I cannot confirm or deny that I had a two-minute mental fog at this early point in the recap and originally wrote what I have to say was a pretty damn good line which unfortunately rested on the premise that you get cotton from sheep. I have over $100,000 sunk into my education. Whee!) Phil says that four teams arrived here at the end of the last leg, but apparently Eating, Sleeping, and Mingling were strictly forbidden, because Phil (quite shockingly) does not mention these usually ubiquitous activities at all. He moves ahead directly to how the Final Four have no idea what's in store as they search desperately for the elusive yellow-and-red flags. Out in a field in his devil-may-care black-and-gray Eddie-Bauer-style ensemble, he explains that this is the last elimination leg. Phurthermore, Phil phills us in on the phact that Danny and Oswald are leaving an hour after the third-place team. What will happen? Let's phind out! (This is where Gustave is all, "Kan I kollect damages for kopyright infringement?")

Sheep run away from the camera. Shermy the Sheep: "Leave us alone! We are gentle animals, not versed in your advanced technology and extravagant production values!"

2:13 AM. The Teeth have busted out some matching gray jackets and black knit hats, so now you know they're serious. Paige has her hair down this morning, so she looks more like Suzy Chapstick than ever. They rip open the clue, and it tells them to get to the Maori Arts and Crafts Institute. Phil explains that today, they're driving in Road Rules-style campers (although with no horns on the front), and they need to go five hundred miles to a village populated by "the indigenous people of New Zealand." (With any luck, they will do a better job with the driving than the camper that's shown during Phil's explanation, which is all over the fog line like somebody on World's Wildest Police Videos.) As he was back in Bangkok, Phil is awed by the fact that the teams have to complete this drive "with only a map to guide them." season, if we have one? A GPS device in everyone's nose. It would add a whole new dimension to The Amazing World Map. Anyway, they have to start by getting themselves to Picton to grab the ferry to Wellington. (Did you know that New Zealand is two islands? Well, it is. And they're switching islands today.) The first ferry they can get is at 11:30 AM, and the after that is at 1:30 PM. The Teeth notice that they only get twenty bucks for the leg. "I think I want to win this race for my mom and dad more than I want to win it for Paige and I," Blake says. Okay, shouldn't that one have been "Paige and me"? ["Yes. Object of a preposition. Carry on." -- Sars] He goes on to discuss the pride, the selflessness, and the very glimmery, glowy wonderfulness that is part and parcel of the Teeth's killer blandness. He also mentions his parents "raising Paige and I" (again, right? ["indeed" -- Sars]), and says how great it would be to beat "teams that are older than us and more experienced than us." In the camper, Blake laughs maniacally and says, "This is awesome!" He is so creepy. I'm sorry to be repetitive, but it frankly bears repeating. Creee-py.

3:13 AM. Taraweasel. He manages to be pushy at her for being too slow before she even gets the clue open, so he's certainly off to a flying start. She calls the camper a "bad boy." A camper? Really? I mean, those little sports cars from last season, maybe, but an RV? Not unless it's the one from Stripes. As usual, Wil has trouble with the car. Not with driving it or repairing it or anything, just with starting it. He's got the windshield wipers on, though, because you cannot get the really important stuff past Wil. He eventually gets the engine running and gets it in gear, and they drive off. Tara accuses him of driving with the brake on, and he whines back at her. In an interview in one of his several just plain awful shirts, Wil explains that he and Tara have always had problems getting along. I make a note of that in case it slips my mind.

3:41 AM. Boston. They're sort of dressed for casual Friday today, with Alex in a dark button-down shirt and Chris in a cable-icious coffee-colored sweater. Chris, however, is also wearing an ugly hat. A gray one. Knit. With a white stripe. If that sounds to you like it wouldn't really go with a coffee-colored cable-knit sweater, you are onto something. As they read the clue and clamber into their camper, Alex voices over with some shock that people originally seemed to think he and Chris were dumb, but now everyone can see that they have "a head on their shoulders." See? I told you they didn't have necks. Chris calls the camper "posh." Heh. They head out.

In the Teeth Camper, Blake is expositing for Paige that there are two islands that make up New Zealand, and they're going from one to the other. She is fascinated. Wil and Tara, meanwhile, are rather spectacularly lost. He insists that she told him to go in this direction, and she insists that she couldn't have directed him to go anywhere, because she's busy reading the map. I'm not sure I see the logic in that one, I must admit. Having the passenger read a map doesn't do a whole lot of good unless said passenger also occasionally communicates with the driver regarding where the driver ought to go. ("You just keep driving! I'm busy reading the directions!") As they stop to regroup, Tara voices over that being stuck with the Weasel for a month is taking its toll on her. Now that I can believe. Back in the camper, she yells at him that he's yelling at her, and he yells back, "Yeah, 'cause you're stupid." Tara: "I'm not stupid, but I can't see the road and read the map at the same time." Here, she makes a meager attempt at diplomacy by voicing over that anyone would probably have driven her nuts by this point, so it might not be Wil in particular. Oh, no. I think it is. He orders her to drive. She takes the wheel, and is trying to put the thing in neutral so she can start it. "I don't know what you did to make it not go in neutral, but it won't go in neutral now," she snots. Oy. I think this is a good example of people who just bring out each other's worst qualities, and when that happens, you've just got to get away as quickly as you possibly can.

5:04 AM. Cha-Cha-Cha, last to leave. Oswald emphatically rips open the clue. (I don't know how else to describe it. I'm surprised he didn't say, "Ol!") They are particularly excited when they get in the Cha-Cha-Camper and they find out that it's a Mercedes. Danny voices over that they try to enjoy themselves no matter what. Sniff. They're such darlings. Let's get a pedicure, boys, when all this silliness is over. It's on me.

Teeth Camper, where Blake and Paige are navigating. Boston Camper, where Chris and Alex give each other The Fists Of Friendship. Weasel Camper, where Tara is still bitching about Wil screwing up the car so she can't get it started. I have a theory, incidentally, that they would be five days ahead of everyone now if Wil could drive stick without making little parts of the car scream, despair, and ultimately commit ritual mechanical suicide. Finally, they get going again, and Wil enters his Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me mode. He voices over that he's grown tired of "being a punching bag" for Tara when things aren't going so well. Oh, Wil. You are exhausting, and I am so tired already. "I like to get things done my way," he is at least willing to admit. He and Tara pull over, and as he gets on the phone to try to figure out what they're doing wrong, she starts pouting loudly. "You're a jerk. That's what you are, to talk to me like that." To be honest, I would be a lot more inclined to feel bad for her if she didn't call him an idiot at least as often as he calls her stupid. I recognize that Wil is a far more aggressively unpleasant person than she is, but she seems to be at least complicit in this crap that goes on between them. She voices over that the race is difficult in part because of their past relationship problems. (Amen, sister. I haven't seen so many old issues since I threw out five years' worth of Entertainment Weekly.) Wil says he wants to be in control of his own destiny, and that's what makes him act like a jerk. Shut UP, Wil. Tara finds Picton on the map, and they're off. "I'm gonna get us on the right track," Wil says. "First you're gonna fuckin' apologize to me," she says. "I'm not going to apologize for anything. You're acting like an idiot," he mutters in response. "You need some serious anger management," she finishes. Stop and ponder: these people once married each other. Presumably on purpose. While conscious. I'm just saying, I bet whoever officiated at the wedding had to wear a rain hat to protect him from flying spit.

Beautiful sunrise. Scenic driving. Alex says New Zealand is pretty. Horns of Perseverance: "WONK-WONK-WONK WONK-WONK-WONK WONK-WONK-WONK WONK!" As they drive along, Chris says that they "got some figures on New Zealand," and he points out that for every person, there are ten sheep. "So they got that goin' for 'em, which is nice," he says, stealing liberally from Bill Murray. (Digression: Did you know that when Jesse Ventura met the Dalai Lama, The Body asked whether he'd seen Caddyshack? Tragically, that is not a joke.)

In a scene I just can't decide whether to laugh or cry about, Wil is driving the Weasel Camper while Tara snoozes in the cabin. "We had a little bit of a meltdown this morning," he says to the camera, "and it's, uh, partially my fault...it was edgy morning time, 3:00 AM...and I'm sorry, Tara." She is sound asleep. Oh, the humanity.

Cha-Cha-Camper. Danny is showing Oswald how to operate the camper controls. "I don't want to learn reverse, I just want to learn forward," Ozzie complains. He explains once they're on their way again that he only got his license a little while before the race started. "My first time driving a truck," he comments. "Or a house. Or whatever this may be." Heh. A relaxed Danny says from the back seat that he has total faith in Oswald, and that it's great to have a partner he can depend on. Aww. You know, Oswald is more flashy in his fabulousness, but Danny is just a doll and a half. I think in their relationship, he's kind of the dad, if that makes sense.

The Teeth arrive at Picton. "This is the make-or-break point of the trip for us," Blake says. One more in a long line of absolute, no-holds-barred, unbelievably key moments for them, Blake would tell you. He called the cab after the hang glider "the most critical moment of the race." He said the entire race came down to how they performed on the motorboat Roadblock. He declared the Sydney leg to be "the entire race." Paige's golf shot was going to "save [them] the race." Not a task goes by that isn't pretty much life or death, when you're the Teeth. They are first to check in at the ferry.

In the Boston Camper, Chris chugs from a two-liter bottle of Coke. Alex says they have to be sure they make no mistakes. In the Weasel Camper, Tara and Wil bicker some more about directions and something and talking and something and OH MY GOD SHUT UP. The Cha-Cha-Camper pulls into a gas station so that Ozzie can call and make sure there's space for them on the ferry they're trying to make (which is presumably the 11:30 AM). Oswald calls and inquires.

The Teeth have a discussion with the guy putting them on the ferry, in which he agrees to set them up to be first off the boat in Wellington. Paige gets it done, and she crawls up into the little bunk, where Blake is already napping. Up until this point, I just want to say I have no problem with their interaction -- they've got limited space, and they need the rest.

Boston pulls up to the Picton ferry terminal, and they come within about six inches of totaling a red minivan. Chris appears to just fail to notice it as they approach. That hat makes you stupid.

Controversial Teeth Footage Of The Week. "Man, that was a long drive," Paige says, in a baby-voice half-whisper. "I think I deserve a little shoulder rub," she coos. I'm serious. Coos. "A shoulder rub?" Blake asks her. "How about after a nap?" Okay, look. I am certainly not suggesting that there is actually anything weird going on between them -- seriously, I would not go there without anything to go on. But that was a strange, strange interaction. I know a lot of girls with brothers, and none of them -- not one of them -- would come anywhere near adopting that sort of flirtatious, baby-talk tone with her brother. I don't expect them to start making out or anything, but they have a really weird way of relating to each other. It may be that they're both omnivorous flirts, if you know what I mean -- there are people in the world who flirt with everything they come in contact with, including family, pets, and furniture, and that may be what's going on here.

Taraweasel arrives at the ferry terminal. Up at the ticket booth, Chris and Alex are already getting themselves lined up, and they're told that they'll be on the 11:30 ferry. Tara and Wil pull up, and Alex jumps out of the Boston Camper and jumps in the street in front of them, daring them to run him over. Wow, he sure does give me the tenth-grade-boy flashbacks. "Who's that up front?" Wil asks Alex once the horseplay comes to a merciful conclusion. "That's Blake," Alex says with pure hatred. Cut to Blake, looking out the window of the Teeth Camper.

Oswald gets off the phone with the ferry people, and they get on the road. They manage to almost crash their camper, too. The people responsible for insuring this enterprise take six aspirin and a swig of vodka.

Alex and Tara are giggling as they inquire about how to be the first ones off the ferry. The guy basically tells them that they can't, but it's very, very hard to make out what he says. Cut to Wil, glaring at his wife and her boyfriend, as he voices over that her head isn't really in the game. We see Alex pick her up and swing her around, blah blah blah, horsing around with your beloved, blah blah blah, yuck. "She still jumps on these guys," Wil complains. I'll say. Though not as much as I would jump on them if I were stuck with you all day, Weasel. What makes no sense about Wil's complaint here is that Alex and Tara's Smoochified Adventure goes back as far as South Africa, but she's managed to race pretty well anyway, which suggests to me that this is emphatically not about that. Whatever else I think is annoying about Tara, she doesn't seem to have lost her will to compete as a result of being infatuated with The Neckless Wonder. Wil's pissed at her for having a boyfriend, not for losing her competitive edge.

There's a fair amount of screwing around between Taraweasel and Boston as the gate opens to drive onto the ferry. The Teeth go first, and Wil points out to Boston that it could potentially give the Teeth a big advantage. Blake happily says that Wil is "freakin' out because he doesn't have the orange thing," which refers to a tag the ferry guy gave to the Teeth that gives them a priority spot on the boat. "Well, he can freak out," Paige says with an incongruous grin. Taraweasel and Boston talk to the guy working the dock about the fact that apparently, what the Teeth have scored for themselves is a frequent traveler tag. They're not frequent travelers, of course, but they've scored the tag one way or another. "What do they get, just extra food or something like that?" Alex asks, and Wil points out that they'll actually get on and off the boat first. In their camper, Blake tells Paige what a great job she did with the orange tag. Also, he calls her "Paiger." Again. Ugh. The Teeth give the dock guy the big thumbs-up as they drive onto the ferry. "We just showed 'em that being nice to people works better than their yelling at people," Blake crows. Sigh. The other teams weren't really yelling at people, particularly, and if anybody was "nice," it was Paige, and not him. Of course, Blake's delusions of grandeur and his limitless capacity for self-congratulation are far too advanced for me to argue with at this point.

Taraweasel and Boston are not giving up yet. "Go try and weasel up," the Weasel suggests to Tara as she jockeys for boat position. "We're with them," Wil says to the attendant, presumably indicating the Teeth. "They actually have my pass, so we need to be all together." Sigh. It's all about the prevaricating this week. Lying, lying, lying. "He's such a jackass," Blake says, laughing the fakest laugh I have ever heard in my entire life. Blake could not be less amused. Boston basically worms its way up to the front as well, and Blake declares that "Alex is so full of it." I think the long and the short of it here is that it really isn't too difficult to get wherever you want to on the ferry if you're willing to jockey for it, and the Teeth thought that their one maneuver of getting The Magic Orange Tag was going to screw everybody else quite thoroughly. Turns out that the attendants on the boat don't give much of a crap, so you have to continue to protect your turf. (For those of you who have complained this week that it was appalling for Boston to lie after criticizing Blake and Paige over the luggage thing, I'd point out that Chris and Alex don't lie about being with Blake and Paige, as far as we see. Tara and Wil do. Chris and Alex just seem to squeeze by everybody and grab a spot. ["And also, it's not The Amazing Truth-TellingUh, Thing. It's a race. I think a certain amount of bullshitting is par for the course." -- Sars])

"We're [going to be] the first off!" Wil says happily. "We did it again." Shut up some more, Wil. Anyway, the Teeth appear to end up just behind Taraweasel and Boston on the ferry, so basically everybody maneuvered, and everybody wound up tied, so whatever. Paige comments that Cha-Cha-Cha isn't there yet.