I'm Gonna Throw Up On Phil's Shoes

Previously on Wil? Pill! Phil? Thrill!: The elephants got clean, but everybody else got down and dirty. Wil steered Tara into a tree, and steered her ever more completely into the oily biceps of Boston Alex. The Thailand train ride was really long. No, no, really long. Mary and Peach mastered the art of pole-boating and zoomed past Gary and Dave, who were too busy looking up limericks in their tattered copies of 10,000 Jokes, Toasts, and Stories to get their oars in gear. The Adultery Alliance faltered as Boston and Taraweasel dropped like a couple of overconfident rocks, while Mary and the Fruit snuck into the lead. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Credits. "Would! You! Take! A bath in Cra-ter Lake? Are you afraid! Of! Heights! Or want your name! In! Lights? Would! You! Run! Under a broil-ing sun!? Are you a bad...dresser?...a fox?...built like...an ox?...Then you...just! Might! Fit! Now that we think! Of! It! Amazing! [BOMP.]"

Karen Village, Thailand. This week on the Eating, Resting, and Mingling segment, we see Dave thinking really hard (maybe his shoe is untied); Tara and Alex fondling each other; Blake still desperately needing a shave; teams alternating between winter gear and summer gear; and Chris feverishly clinging to The Amazing Purse, even while socializing at the pit stop. Chris, put down the purse. Even if you're carrying it, you'll still have to figure out for yourself how to get to the route marker using clues you'll find in sealed envelopes. So sayeth the Exposition Hands.

8:55 PM. Mary and the Fruit are first out of the gate this week, and they eagerly open the clue. It tells them to go to Chiang Mai to a temple called the Seven Spires, and provides them with $180 for the leg, which Mary carefully counts. Phil comments that they will have to find the place "with only a map to guide them." Excuse me, but "only a map"? As opposed to what, Phil? A sherpa? I mean, that would be really helpful, but very hard to fold up and put in the envelope. As they get in their SUV, a cautious Mary voices over that being in first place is great, and that she and the Fruit are trying hard not to get into the drama of the other teams and what they may or may not be doing. They're trying to run their own race, and I think there's no question that that's the smart move.

8:56 PM. Gary and Dave. As they open the clue and get going, Dave voices over that in addition to your travel skills, this game tests your ability to go for long periods of time without eating or sleeping in any way that qualifies as remotely functional, and I think that this episode probably bears that out fairly well, in fact. He also manages to sound pretty normal while providing this particular pithy insight, so that's a large relief right there.

9:00 PM. Blake and Paige. Blake explains that they like to be alone. Ew! No, not like that. They like to travel alone, you sicko. They don't want any alliances. Especially, I have to assume, since nobody wants to be in one with them.

9:08 PM. Oswald tells us that their plan has been to run the race themselves and not worry about what other people are doing. That seems to be the theme of the week, which means that either it is a large coincidence, or it was the producers' Interview Question of the Week -- something like, "How do you balance your need to run the race yourself with the challenges of being involved with a group of other people who have personal conflicts?" I'm betting it's not a coincidence.

9:22 PM. Taraweasel are looking quite the Stoner Hippies this evening, with Tara in a flowery embroidered top that's really not doing her any favors, and Wil in one of his several ethnic cannabis-chic print numbers. At least he's bareheaded. He voices over that this is a "do-or-die situation," because they're close to the back of the pack, so it's put up or shut up time for the Weasel and his charming Weaselette. If they don't make a strong showing, he points out, they'll leave "with their tails between their legs." Do weasels even have tails?

9:23 PM. Boston. (Wow, what closely packed start times. Everybody certainly did finish close together last week.) Chris is wearing my least favorite shirt, which is the blue one that says, "Rambler's Roost," and given the poultry reference, I simply cannot believe it doesn't say something above the name like "My Eggs Got Laid At The" or "I Got Clucked At The" or "They Do It With Feathers At The" or "Try the Breasts At The." Anyway, he voices over that he's going to do "everything in [his] pow-ah" not to be Phil-iminated.

Mary and the Fruit, in their cab, are having trouble with navigation, and they decide to let Gary and Dave pass them. This is an interesting, conservative strategy and actually, in my opinion, not an entirely bad idea. This would be the case particularly if they know from past experience that, for instance, Gary and Dave are good navigators and always find the place before anybody else. Thunk doesn't immediately catch on that Mary and Peach are intentionally going slowly, and they convince themselves that passing is a particularly sharp move on their part that is happening because Mary and Peach are slow. All goes according to the Mary plan, and she and the Fruit follow the guys to the temple. There, it's still open (despite the late hour), and teams are to find the McFlag, as usual. This doesn't prevent the Fruit from happily chirping, "Hey, there's a flag over there!" like it's the neato-est thing she ever saw. Gary and Dave open the clue first, and it tells them to get to the top of the tallest building in Hong Kong.

Cut to Hong Kong and Phil, who is dressed in a black turtleneck and black coat and has apparently recently fallen into a burning ring of fire, and has then gone down, down, down...well, you know. He tells us that Hong Kong is "a crowded and confusing metropolis." When our intrepid teams get there, they'll need to go to the top of Central Plaza, the aforementioned tallest building in the city. Back in Thailand, Thunk, Mary/Peach, and the recently arrived Teeth (with Blake still in those really, really big green pants that almost fell off him last time) leave the temple for the airport. Cha-Cha-Cha, meanwhile, stops at a police station to ask for some directions. In the Taraweasel SUV, Wil says that all alliances are terminated, and now it's "every team for itself." Then he says, "Right, Tara?" And she says, "Right, Wil." Tara? Looks like hell. I mean, I'm not judging, because I would, too, but she looks extremely haggard tonight. She also looks like she hates Wil, so at least she has that going in her favor.

Oswald at the police station (complete with cell door and blurry-faced guard in the background), asking for directions. It doesn't seem to be going that well. The guy eventually points, but Danny is already saying, "Let's go," so Oswald tells the guy, "Forget it, forget it." One of them mutters "God" under his breath, but it's not clear whether it's Danny, doing it because Oswald is so pokey getting out of the station, or Oswald, doing it because Danny is nagging him to get moving, or Oswald, doing it because the guy they were asking for directions wasn't helpful. It's certainly not Cha-Cha-Cha's most shining moment, but it's hard to draw many conclusions, except about the fact that Oswald carries the Amazing Purse as a fanny pack. Chris really seems to be the guy on the trip who has the biggest affinity for carrying it as...well, you know. A purse.

Taraweasel get their clue at the temple and she reads it as they leave. Wil is all excited about going to Hong Kong, probably because he's annoyed the entire population there at some point or another in the past, and thus is sure he has a large advantage. On their way out, they run into Cha-Cha-Cha, one of whom says, "Hello, honeys" and one of whom says, "Hello, babies" to them. Hee! The Cha's are happy about Hong Kong, too.

Boston SUV. They find their way to the temple.

Airport. Here come the lead teams -- Mary/Fruit, Thunk, and the Teeth. Inside, Dave talks to a ticket agent who informs him that the ticket windows are closed until morning, but he can buy by phone. On the phone, Dave says he "would like to book" seats from Chiang Mai to Bangkok on the 7:00 AM flight. Meanwhile, without even visiting the airport, Cha-Cha-Cha figures that they're not going to get anything done there, so they head off to what looks like it might be a hotel (though it's hard to tell), and they ask to use the Internet to look up and buy flights. Interestingly, this is a milestone moment, because in thirteen episodes of season one and seven episodes of season two, this is the first time they've ever shown contestants on-line. Twenty episodes before anybody gets a chance to check their email? I would never last that long.

Commercials. Can you hear me now, sobbing and begging you to stop this infernal advertising campaign before my brain dissolves into a formless puddle of goo and begins leaking out of my ears while I'm asleep? Good.

The flight lands in Bangkok at 8:10 AM, with everyone on it. They all dash for the 8:40 AM to Hong Kong. "Hold the plane!" Alex wildly screams in a way I actually find rather amusing. They get onto an airport shuttle to get from the Chiang Mai-Bangkok flight to the Bangkok-Hong-Kong flight. "We have very tight connection [sic], is it possible for you to go now?" Wil asks the shuttle driver, actually sounding a bit like he's attempting not to be a jerk. I'm sure it won't last. At 8:41 AM, probably with a bunch of other agitated passengers sitting on the plane waiting for their TV-star asses, everybody climbs aboard. The Amazing Yellow Line goes from Bangkok to Hong Kong, and Phil tells us that the teams are, too. When they get there, they need to go to the city's tallest building, which is Central Plaza.

Thunk is first out of the airport, followed by the Teeth, Taraweasel, Boston, Cha-Cha-Cha, and Mary and the Fruit. They all need a train to the city, and it appears that you use a little ATM-like deal to get your tickets. Thunk makes it onto the first train, and Dave refers to them as "Team Domination." Ugh. The second train holds Taraweasel, Boston, and the Teeth. Wil is dancing again, and I just really don't need to see that. Take a nap, Wil. Third train carries Cha-Cha-Cha, while Mary struggles with the ticket ATM. As they finally get a train, Mary asks the Fruit where the "maps" are, and the Fruit doesn't know. Mary has the Amazing Purse, so I'm actually thinking this is her day to be in charge of the stuff. But the stuff, it appears, is lost. Given what happens to them , I actually think they didn't lose just a map, but actually their whole packet of route information. That's a pretty devastating mistake right there, for sure.

Thunk makes a bunch of friends on the train, including a lady who tells them they can follow her, since she's going in the direction of Central Plaza. Well played, Thunk! She points them right to the building, and they arrive first. They find the right elevator and head up.

Mary and the Fruit, apprehensively contemplating their fate as they head, rather rudderless now, for downtown.

Thunk finds the top of the building to be a very large glass-walled room with spectacular views of Hong Kong in every direction. The clue tells them to pick up some binoculars and look for the "Green and White Star." As Phil explains, this is actually a reference to the Star Ferry, a green-and-white boat that will take them where they need to go . They look, but Dave looks dubious. I would point out that I was happy to see this clue, because it's not one of the "Go here, dummy" clues that have plagued the show since the middle of the first season. Dave, on the other hand, is not as pleased with the cryptic quality of the clue as I am.

Taraweasel, Boston, and the Teeth look for the building, and Cha-Cha-Cha is hot on their tails. Mary and the Fruit are bringing up the rear. Sniff! When they get a cab, Mary asks the driver to take them to "Center." He says "Central," and she repeats, "Center." Oh, noooo!

A frustrated Thunk is having trouble finding the Star, so Gary brings up the Fast Forward. Now, I'm not saying this didn't work out for them, and I'm not saying that they might not be able to make it into an unbunchable lead at some point (though I'm skeptical), but I think this was a really stupid move. They know the other teams are coming. They're going to be able to get a hint about where it is by looking at where other teams are looking when they spot it and suddenly bolt for the exits. Moreover, it can't be that hard to find, and they need to think logically about the fact that it has to be something that they can find if they stop and think. Getting frustrated with a task after a short time (and the other teams aren't there yet, so I don't think they've been looking very long) is not a good reason to use up your Fast Forward, in my personal world of strategy. But what do I know? I've never won anything except the occasional twenty-ounce Diet Coke from one of those magical green caps. At any rate, the Fast Forward tells them to go to a Hong Kong temple and find a fortune teller. She'll tell their fortune, and they'll get the clue. They decide to go for it.

On the crowded Boston/ Taraweasel/ Teeth elevator, Blake remarks that "everyone's a little hot, and no one's smelling very good." (Shout-out to last week's theme song lyrics!) Tara: "I smell like roses, what are you talking about?" Blake: "You haven't smelled like roses since Vegas." Heh. She laughs. Oh, yeah. They're all ripe as all-get-out, you can tell. You can almost see the wiggly little green lines coming off them. They get off the elevator at the top floor, and Gary and Dave get on it, taking off for the Fast Forward. Everybody starts looking for the star, which Tara comments is "like finding a needle in a haystack."

Cha-Cha-Cha gets to Central Plaza. Mary, in her cab, is reiterating that she wants the building "called Center, C-E-N-T-E-R." Ack! Cut to a lovely building called "The Center Building," which is tall, but which they are told inside is certainly not the tallest in Hong Kong. (This is what makes me think they lost their route information -- apparently Mary was doing this from memory, in which case I have to think she would have been better off asking for the tallest building in the city, yes?) The guy inside clarifies that they want Central Plaza. Oops. As they head for the Plaza, they agree that they should definitely take the Fast Forward when they get there, because they've fallen behind.