Welcome To The World Of Being Human

Previously on Bertram Van Munster's 500 Hats: Namibia was hot, sandy, and short of ground transportation. Gary and Dave sped across the desert in a desperate attempt to escape the stench of their own jokes rotting in the sun. Danny went into the pool in his underwear and won the Fast Forward, proving once again that wherever you go in the world, nothing pays off like partial nudity. Blake and Paige annoyed Mary and the Fruit, and not just because of the team outfits. Boston screwed up quite a bit, but eventually slid in ahead of Shola and Doyin, who were eliminated after burying themselves in the sand and becoming lost on the way to the great big sand dune. Alex hugged Phil, who pretended not to mind, and Chris hugged the defenseless greeter, who called his attorney and filed a lawsuit based on the hostile work environment. Who will be Phil-iminated tonight?

Credits. A-one, and a-two, and: "Tell! The! Truth! You've come to see! Blake's! Tooth! You just cannot! Say! No! To its en-chant-ing glow! It! Has! You! And has your chil-dren too! It will not stop! Till you...admit...that you...love it...so don't...hes-i-tate! Before it is! Too! Late! Surrender! [BOMP.]"

Amani Lodge, Namibia. An ostrich runs along the road, undoubtedly on his way to the Sierra Club press conference about all the drunken cameramen careening around on the game preserve. Cut to Phil, doing this week's intro in the dark, thus robbing us of the scenery that usually surrounds him. Furthermore, don't they let Phil sleep? He explains that the game preserve is the fourth pit stop, and there's a mandatory rest break. Now it's time for the weekly "Eat, Rest, and Mingle" segment, including the obligatory Half-Naked Blake Shot Of The Week. Yeah, he's half-naked. Whatever.

As the teams enjoy their downtime, Chris spills the beans to Taraweasel that, between rehearsals for the All-American Traveling Dental Hygiene Showcase, Blake has been conspiring against them. Tara says that if Blake tries anything, then "game on." Whatever that means. When Blake shows up, Tara calls him over and tells him that she knows about his Rasputin-esque plan, and she doesn't appreciate it. Blake denies it, and tries to improve his situation by clarifying that he's not conspiring against Taraweasel; he just doesn't like them. Blake: Master of Diplomacy.

At this point, we are treated to another helping of sour grapes fried in bitter batter regarding the behavior of the Teeth. Tara snipes at Blake, leading with, "You cut the Grannies off at the airport and made them cry." I find that a bit hard to believe, given that the show was giving itself multiple hernias from how hard it was pushing the Blake/Paige intrigue angle at that point, so I'd think it would have made use of any available footage of the weeping elderly. Moreover, Tara wasn't even there, so for these as well as many other reasons? Shut up, Tara. Jumping in to help, Wil brings up the fact that Blake and Paige "cut in front of Mary and Peach" to get to the pit stop. Again, it appeared that Wil wasn't even there, but I'm relieved that his total lack of knowledge -- as well as the fact that Blake and Paige didn't do anything wrong in the first place -- doesn't interfere with his feelings of self-righteousness. Disheartened and sure that this is all leading nowhere, Blake walks away. "Play your own game and we'll play our own game and we'll see who wins," Wil snots to Blake's back. Wil threatens to "feed [Blake] to the tigers." I hope it's not those tigers from last season, though, because they wouldn't even eat him. They'd just lick him all over, yawn, and fall asleep. At any rate, Wil thinks the Teeth are trying to disrupt the race, Dave thinks Wil and Blake should just rumble and get it over with, and Blake thinks that if Wil wants to be ugly, that's fine with him. Oh, and somewhere along here, Tara says "game on" again. And it still doesn't mean anything. Frankly, the more Wil picks on him, the more sympathy I have for Blake. And, you know, ew.

I'll tell you what else is interesting here, and that's who's playing both sides of the fence. Not only do we get shots of Paige eating with Alex, but we also get a nice shot of Blake, Paige, Chris, Alex, and Dave all hanging out. I'd say that both Boston and Dave have their feet firmly planted in about six places at once, and that's not easy to manage. I myself believe that Dave is secretly the king of this sort of thing, but without proof, I'm hesitant to do anything except speculate wildly without justification.

Seven teams, no idea what's in store, yellow-and-red McFlags, route markers, Exposition Hands.

7:47 AM. Cha-Cha-Cha. The clue says that once again, a spoon-fed car and driver are waiting (sigh) and that they should tell the driver to take them to the airport. Once there, they'll fly to Bangkok, Thailand. As Phil explains the clue in detail, the drunken cameramen show the way. Danny and Oswald get in their car, and Oswald voices over (in a heavily edited snippet) that the last time he was in Thailand, he "was picked up by a Rolls-Royce." I have a feeling that this time, he won't be.

10:34 AM. Taraweasel. They're happy and excited about Bangkok, which they call their "second home" because they go there frequently on business for their furniture store (Twin Beds Separated By At Least Three Feet 'R' Us). Tara and the Weasel think they will therefore have the home court advantage, which is apparently because they've learned nothing from episodes, in which we were introduced to the cruelties of the lesser-known but equally potent home court kiss of death.

At this point, we learn that Gary and Dave and Chris and Alex have been hit with matching forty-two-minute time penalties for driving the speed limit in the desert last week, rather than twenty kilometers per hour under the speed limit "for added safety," as they were told. The speed limit sign shown along here says "120," and Phil says that the speeding was for "a one-hour period," so I'm not sure how they got to a forty-two-minute time penalty rather than a twelve-minute one, which is what it would seem like it should be. Maybe it's twelve for the time difference and thirty for being naughty. (Yes, I did the math. It's not for nothing that I attended a national math competition in eighth grade, at the congratulatory banquet for which I accidentally dumped my entire dinner in my lap. That's a different story, though. And I don't warranty the accuracy of my math.) Anyway, putting aside the whole "heh -- sorry, Wil, I guess they were cheaters and speeders" issue, here's my other question: Xerox missed the detour, and that's why they got booted. They then implied in an interview after the race that Boston made the detour by a fairly slim margin. If Boston made the detour by less than forty-two minutes...see where I'm going with this? Sigh. Nothing to be done about it now.

10:45 AM. Gary and Dave. On the topic of Bangkok, they say "woo hoo." Literally. In their car, Gary says, "My parents always took me to Thai restaurants, Chinese restaurants, sushi...I know the culture." (THUNK.) Wow, it's hard to understand how he went wrong after starting with that truly brilliant nugget of humor about how all Asian countries and cultures are alike. Because that is hilarious.

11:34 AM. Mary and the Fruit, together on the mat with the Teeth. Paige is bringing us another of her eye-catching getups, this time a pair of black baggy pants and a sports bra modeled on the Texas flag. (Insert your own "everything's bigger in Texas" joke here.) Blake gallants that the Teeth are going to let Mary and the Fruit open the clue first, in return for doing "the wrong thing" yesterday at the finish line. You can just call this development Blake Starts To See The Writing On The Wall. Remember last week's discussion about how, strategically speaking, you should try to keep the hating of you among the other teams from getting too out of control, even if you did nothing wrong? Yeah, Blake's thinking about it too. Anyway, Mary and Peach read the clue and leave. Once inside a cab, Mary says, "It was nice of Blake and Paige to let us read first today." And then, sarcastically, "You know, welcome to the world of being human." Ouch. I can't help wondering if there's something going on here that we're not seeing, or whether there's a huge case of groupthink going on, because I can't account for the strong negative feelings some of these other teams have about Blake in particular. It's a little weird.

In the Teeth car, Blake says that he's going to win over the ticket agents at the airport by giving them his rhino -- eww, no, literally. Blake: King of Pointless Bribery. If I followed the bargaining scene last week accurately, it sounded like the price of the rhino Tara ended up with was given to her in rand, and was quoted at twenty, which she bargained down to ten. Pretty as it is, it's essentially a knickknack, and the ticket agents aren't exactly going to kick people off of existing flights for him. Note, incidentally, the difference between this move and Drew's famous gifting of Rose's necklace to the ticket agent in Tunisia -- he gave her the necklace after he already had what he wanted, just to say thank you. Blake, on the other hand, is doing it as a really, really lame attempt at buttering somebody up. It's a subtle but crucial distinction in how many points you get from me.

11:44 AM. Jeebus. Cyndi says that what's keeping her going is her love for Jesus. She also likes Russell, of course.

Airport Bunching. Tara and Wil get a flight to Johannesburg, connecting to Bangkok. Speaking presumably of the flights, or possibly of Bangkok, he tries to put on his heavy-lidded Look of Looove and says, "It's beautiful, just like you sometimes." Excuse me, did he say "sometimes"? Way to kill the mood, Weasel. She should totally have come back at him with something like, "And my darling, I love you dearly when you're not a passive-aggressive, preening prick." She doesn't do this, of course, much to my great disappointment. She does snort and tell him to shut up. Hey, I do that every week! Unfortunately, it's not working yet for either of us. He voices over that he doesn't know what's going to happen in their relationship in the future. I can't tell you for sure, Wil, but I have a vision of attorneys dividing up closets full of retro-hippie clothes and Grateful Dead records.

12:59 PM. Boston. They've seen this show before (as if we didn't know from last week's Drew Tribute), because they know that the long flight is their chance to catch up. "We're back, baby, we're back!" Alex yells into the camera, so closely that I can actually see his gum. He does this because he is, now and forever, that guy. He's so completely that guy that if he weren't getting his TV exposure here, I'd expect to find him on MTV's always-enlightening Spring Break coverage. Chris, in the meantime, just wants to "bring it home to Beantown." Yuck.

In the car, Alex explains that ChaTaGaDa are friends, and that Mary and the Fruit, Jeebus, and the Teeth are friends. And then, all alone like a couple of wallflowers at the prom, there's Boston. On the topic of friendship, I get the ChaTaGaDa thing, but I'm not sure about the friendship between the other three. When was the last time you said, about one of your friends, "Welcome to the world of being human"? It's been weeks since I did that. Furthermore, Alex goes on to say, "We're better friends than the teams in front." Wait a minute, friends with who? With each other? I'm confused. I fear that Alex might be kind of...dumb. Furthermore, he refers to Danny and Oswald as "the two gay guys," and honestly, at this point in the race, you don't need to do that, so quit it, Head and Shoulders (With Nothing In Between).

Gary and Dave and Cha-Cha-Cha work on their flights. Danny kisses the ticket agent.

Blake's brilliant attempt at some kind of rhino payola scheme winds up making him look like an idiot, particularly when he takes it upon himself to tell the woman it's a rhino. I'm sure she appreciates that, because now she doesn't have to stand there all day scratching her head, saying, "What kind of a cat is this, anyway?" Sigh...yet another of Blake's schemes goes up in flames.

Mary and the Fruit and Jeebus book flights. In the Boston cab, Chris explains their strategy, which is to "kick everybody's ass." That's quite brilliant. Perhaps he could write that one down for me.

Everybody but Boston makes a 1:55 flight from Windhoek to Johannesburg. As Boston works the ticket counter, Chris observes Blake's rhino sitting on the agent's desk. "Apparently, one of the other teams gave their rhinoceros to her...very suspicious," he says with a wary eyebrow pop. This is actually Chris's funniest moment ever, and I did chuckle. They eventually get a 3:00 flight, so we are indeed in for the Mega-Bunching.

In the Johannesburg airport, in what actually will turn out to be a significant development, the Teeth and Gary and Dave go to the counter and pursue better seats on the connecting flight to Bangkok. "As far forward as possible," Dave asks. He'd like to be "sitting to the pilot" if the agent can arrange it. Heh. In other news, Blake thinks that once they arrive, Paige should sell her hair, because blonde hair is such a rarity in Thailand. He's officially kidding, but he's also clearly eyeing her scalp. I'm telling you, something about Blake just makes my skin crawl.

As everyone waits for the Bangkok flight, Blake decides to try to clear the air with Wil. Well, if by "clear the air," you mean "blame Wil and absolve himself." He approaches the Weasel and says that since Paqueta Island, Wil has been trying to "make [Blake's] life a living hell." In a true display of bull, Blake says, "I came on this trip to have fun, and it's not fun anymore." No, no, no, Blake. You cannot have it both ways. When other people say you're an ass, you say it's a race, and you're there to play the game, and I've always stuck up for you. But then you can't say you just came to have fun. Man, nothing bugs the hell out of me like people who want to have it both ways.

Tara defends Wil's insufferable ass, Wil acts like an insufferable ass, Blake is self-righteous, Dave is watching with great interest, blah dee blah. "If you're having fun, is it at all of our expense?" Wil asks plaintively. I really, really detest Wil and his entire wounded-fawn routine. I honestly expected him to whip out a hanky here and start dabbing his eyes with it like some kind of jilted southern belle. After Blake walks away, Tara smirks self-satisfiedly. Short version? Everyone involved in this conversation is an idiot. They can all eat each other and I won't miss any of them. As Blake bares his teeth (AAAAH! MY EYES!), Wil tells Tara that Blake wants to "latch on like a bloodsucker" as they head for Thailand. I really don't think it's that, exactly. I think Blake feels a weird obligation to try to act like he cares whether people like him, when actually he doesn't. But Wil, of course, sees everything through the lens of his own ego, so...whatever.

Boston's flight from Windhoek lands, and they meet up with everyone in the Johannesburg airport. Chris notes the bunching, which makes it a seven-way tie for first. Everybody gets on the flight, and we see an interesting quick shot of Gary huddled with Boston and Taraweasel in cramped quarters in what looks like carefully-secured privacy. The alliances certainly are shifty around here. The Amazing Yellow Line makes its way to Bangkok on The Amazing World Map. (Has this shot always featured The Amazing Radar Sweep? I've never noticed it before.)

Bangkok. Phil explains that the teams will "have to take a bus" (more on that in a minute) from the airport to the SkyTrain, get off at Siam station, and hike to a shrine where the clue can be found. Gary and Dave make it off the plane and onto a bus first, and Dave promptly calls Gary a "wacko." I knew Dave was the smart one. Blake and Paige are out , and on their bus, Blake congratulates himself on getting the good seats on the flight. In the airport, Tara and the Weasel bicker about whether to wait up for Boston, who's still coming through customs. She wants to wait (chicka-chicka) and he wants to go. She also says it's "not cool" to accept people's help and then not help them, which is...true in life, but probably not in reality TV. Need we review again the subject of opportunistic and transitory alliances? Anyway, she interviews that she's frustrated because Chris and Alex are "cool guys," and Wil's all about "beating people." Yes, dear. It's a race, not a cotillion. As if the Boston controversy weren't enough, they fight about the more relevant fact that Wil wants to head out of the airport and make a break for it, despite having no idea where he's going. She thinks this is stupid, and on this, she has a point. He responds by calling her stupid, as he does every week. Not lightly, either. He looks at her and says, "Tara, you're stupid." Tara? Run away, seriously.

Commercials. Eat at Subway. It's where all the half-naked chicks hang out.

Back in the Bangkok airport, we get a quick shot of the monk section. No, really. It says "For Monks Only." And sitting in it? You guessed it -- monks. That feels like a joke out of Airplane!, but in context, it makes perfect sense. Elsewhere, Tara and the Weasel are still fighting. She points out that often, before you go somewhere, it's helpful to figure out where you're going. Isn't she a stick in the mud? (I think she also calls him "dumb," but it's hard to tell, exactly.) The Weasel thinks the real issue is Boston, because she wants to wait for them and he doesn't. Fight, hiss, spit. But enough about petty arguing -- let's move on to outright corruption. Wil decides that a clue telling you to take a bus means you can rent a private "mini-bus" (which basically means taking a taxi), and when they connect with Boston again, he and Alex exchange a hopelessly dweeby little quasi-high-five over the exciting news. Excuse me, but if the clue says to take a bus and uses the word "bus," renting a "mini-bus" (which constitutes taking a fucking taxi, no matter what you call it) does not qualify at all, and I'm frankly disgusted that they let these guys get away with this. It is this kind of slick-ass, truth-stretching, underhanded (YES, underhanded) play that undermines the whole enterprise, and forces the producers to write the clues so that they say "go here, you big dumb morons." I think it's a total cheat -- not even a close call. But I guess if you're afraid you can't win clean, this is the other way to go.

Anyway, in The Taxi Of Reprehensible Cheating, the Weasel is gloating because he got away with it. I cannot describe to you how vile and disgusting he is in this scene. It's like somebody gave him amphetamines and a frontal lobotomy for his birthday. "That's what I'm talking about, takin' it to town!" he yells incomprehensibly. Tara points out that the Weasel wanted to ditch Boston, and Alex tells him he'd better not. Wil leans back and puts his arms behind his head as he basks in the "luxurious ride," and I'm sure everyone in the cramped vehicle really appreciates that intimate contact with his armpits in all of their same-clothes-for-three-days, weeks-without-a-shower glory. Tara suggests that Wil owes her an apology for the way he's been acting, and he says, "Yeah, right," with complete disgust.

Team Jeebus, back at the airport, looking for the bus. They find one, and are soon joined by Mary and the Fruit. The Fruit says she's scared of Thailand. Cha-Cha-Cha is last off the plane (gasp!). They get the bus, but they're running behind. Oh, dear.

Okay, I admit that I might have hallucinated this part. Gary and Dave pull up to the Sky Train on their bus, and when they disembark, there are three people standing there, wearing round green insect costumes, who flap their wings and stand in bug-like postures. No, seriously. They have antennae and everything. Well, two of them have two antennae, and one of them only has one. I think that one might be the leader. ["Or a novice." -- Sars] It is also possible that they're pears, not bugs. But since two of them have two antennae, I think they have to be bugs. I guess maybe two of them are insects and the last one is a pear. That could be part of the message, if it's art. Either way, the pears or bugs are no help in getting to the part of the train station where you get tickets, but Gary and Dave find their way anyway, and they board the train. Blake and Paige are onto the train, followed by The Really Really Big Cheaters, Boston and Taraweasel. "Thank God for Wil and Tara," Alex rejoices, "because this city is not easy. This is why we created an alliance with them." It is only in his head that he adds, "Also, it's cool because Wil comes up with the best ways of cheating."

Gary and Dave are first off the train, and they find their way to the McFlag, which is smack in the middle of the crowded city. Phil tells us that it's time for the Detour, which this week is called "Confusion Now" or "Confusion Later." As it turns out, both Detour options are pretty much Confusion Throughout, but the idea is this: you either find your way to a water taxi that will take you to a bird market where you will release a cage of sparrows, or you take a taxi to Chinatown and perform a ritual where you burn a paper car as an offering to your ancestors. The way they intend this to work is that finding the right water taxi is hard, but finding Chinatown is easy, whereas releasing the birds is easy, but pleasing your relatives is, as always, a pain in the ass.

Gary and Dave decide to take the Chinatown option. The Teeth are close behind. Wil is on the train, saying that he knows right where the McFlag is located (because he lived in Bangkok for two years -- I'm sorry, I mean because Bangkok is his "second home"). As he and Tara and Boston are getting off the train, the Teeth are finding the McFlag. The teams meet at the clue box. "Greetings, fellas," Wil snots to Blake. "Hello," Blake says, surprisingly politely, as Paige continues reading the Detour clue. Paige complains in an interview that Wil glares at Blake, and she can "feel the tension" between them. I would have really loved it if she had just looked over at Wil at this point and said, "Are you looking at us? Stop looking at us! Stop it! Stop looking at us!" That's about the level of discourse we're reaching here. Anyway, the Teeth elect to go to Chinatown, but Tara tells Boston that Chinatown is "crazy" and they decide to go for the birds. "[Blake and Paige] are going to Chinatown, dude, they're done," Wil says confidently.

All the way back at the airport (eek!), Danny and Oswald finally get a bus. (It looks completely different from the ones the other teams took, though. Hmm.) Oswald is happy to see that the bus is air-conditioned. On the bus, they discuss the fact that they are indeed a little nervous about being in last place. Meanwhile, Mary and the Fruit and Jeebus get off the train and head for the McFlag. When they read it, Russell passes the Detour decision off to Cyndi, who decides to do the birds. When Mary and the Fruit show up, they do the same. Although the teams choose the same task, they head off in opposite directions. Hmm.

On the bus, Danny and Oswald are charming the socks off a young woman. "We need a lot of help," they tell her. "Want to come with us and spend the day with us?" She smiles and says she will. They're very happy. Once off the bus, they ride the escalator with their new friend, whom they introduce to us. "This is our friend Fern, who's going to be our saving angel," Oswald grins. She smiles shyly. As they wait for the train, Oswald asks her whether they saved her from school, and Danny says, "You were going to study, right?" "No, I'm lazy," she says. Hee! They laugh. When they get to the flag, they choose the Chinatown route, taking her along. Apparently, she's not as convinced as Tara that Chinatown is "crazy," but then, she only lives there.

In the Gary and Dave taxi, Gary complains about the smell. "Is that my shoes, or is that Bangkok?" (THUNK.) ["I thought that was funny, but then again, I have really smelly feet." -- Sars] Once out of the cab, they find their way to a shop, where a woman clarifies that they're supposed to buy a paper car. A big plastic bag full of paper cars drops from the ceiling, and a woman hands them one. They set off to look for the shrine where they're supposed to make the offering. It is, as it turns out, not all that easy to find. When they finally find the big fire where they're apparently supposed to throw the car, Gary protests that his grandfather would never drive a BMW, which is apparently the kind of paper car they were given. (THUNK.) A nearby woman tells them they should pray first, and Dave says that the clue doesn't say to pray (note that for later). Nevertheless, they do a cursory bow to the fire before they toss the car onto it. Gary apologizes to his grandfather for not sending an American car. The bigger problem arises, however, when after burning the car, nothing happens. There's no clue. Oops, wrong shrine. Gotta go back and get another car.

Taraweasel and Boston, heading for the bird market. Interestingly, Wil and Tara have no idea where they're going at all. Way to "take it to town," Weasel. Blake and Paige, in Chinatown. They buy a paper Mercedes, find a big fire, and throw their car on. Blake mentions that he's "burned a couple cars in [his] day." You have? That's...interesting. But in the end, nothing happens for them, either. Again, it's the wrong shrine. Heh.

Mary and the Fruit are on the way to the bird market. Mary is getting directions. Back to Jeebus, stuck in town, still trying to find the water taxi. Russell voices over about how hard it was for them, being in this completely overwhelming and hectic city. He probably feels that way in Duluth, too.

Back in Chinatown, Gary and Dave and the Teeth pick up new cars. Paige notes that she sees Danny and Oswald.

Okay, here we go with The Undying Controversy Of The Week. Blake and Paige take their new car (a white one this time) to a different shrine, and the guy there tells them that they have to pray before they throw the car in. Cut to Blake and Paige, kneeling in front of an altar at the temple. Here's what he says (out loud): "May God save all these people who are so lost and so confused, and they worship idols. We will not worship idols. In your name we pray. Amen." Now, let me explain why I think he's a schmuck. As it was read, the clue said to "send [the car] to your ancestors as the local people do." If he believed that the clue required them to pray (because prayer is part of the car-burning ritual), Blake could legitimately have interpreted that in one of two ways -- "you have to pray as a Buddhist [a local visitor to this particular shrine] would," which I personally think would be ridiculous, or "you have to say some kind of a prayer," which would be a little less so. Now, had he interpreted it as "you have to say some kind of a prayer," he could easily have paused in any location he wanted and said a prayer of his own, including a silent prayer. Had he interpreted it as "you have to pray as a Buddhist would," then he could have gone into the temple and up to the altar and tried to make like a Buddhist, which I don't blame him for not wanting to do, as it could be argued that that's equally disrespectful. Furthermore, if he felt strongly about it, he could have refused to do it, gone back to the beginning of the Detour, and done the birds instead. But in the end, there's no interpretation of that clue that would require him to go kneel by the altar in the temple and give a prayer about the wrong-headedness of Buddhism. That isn't, in any way, doing it "as the local people do." That's just a rude thing to do in anybody's temple or church, and I didn't really see how much I disliked it until the second time I saw the episode. He has a right to think Buddhism is false, but it doesn't excuse this particular move. He also does it holding up the car toward the shrine, which is just plain cheesy.

Anyway, in case that wasn't enough for you, there's still more, because amusingly enough, Blake has once again thrown the car into the wrong fire. As he explains in an interview, he chooses to take a stick and pull the flaming car out of the fire, once he discovers that he's screwed up. As he explains in the interview, he realizes that he just tried to take back what the people he's with consider to be an offering to his ancestors, so it's not really so terribly respectful of the custom. (Or of his ancestors, who are presumably somewhere in the great beyond wondering what happened to that white Mercedes that was driving up a second ago.) He knows it was an idiot move, particularly since the car is made of paper and is therefore pretty much gone by the time he pulls it out anyway. As to this entire sequence with Blake, the parallel I would draw is with that really eloquent speech Margarita gave at the rat temple last season about how bad she felt for acting squeamish about somebody else's religious ritual. What Blake got wrong, as far as I'm concerned, is that he approached this entire thing with an inadequate degree of solemnity and respect. No matter how he may feel about it, the people in the place he's visiting take this ritual pretty seriously. time you visit a shrine, Blake? Bring your sense of gravity.

Meanwhile, Gary and Dave finally find the right shrine. When the car takes a long time to light, Dave says, "Those Germans make some good cars." Okay, small "heh." As it burns, they get their clue, which sends them to a temple at Ratchaburi -- they have to take a bus. They get into a tuk-tuk headed for the bus station. (The tuk-tuks, for those of you not in the know, are the little things that are like a motorcycle with a trailer and a canopy.)

Boston and Taraweasel de-boat at the bird market. They abruptly evict a collection of reluctant sparrows from their cages and grab the Ratchaburi clue.

Elsewhere, Cha-Cha-Fern take their car to the right shrine on the first try (thanks, Fern!). Oswald, incidentally, is wearing an adorable shirt that says, "For Good Luck, Rub My Tummy." Hee. ["Niki's boyfriend makes those, in point of fact; check 'em out here." -- Sars] He explains that whatever religion you are, you have to be respectful of everyone, BLAKE. And that whatever you put out in the universe comes back to you, BLAKE. (Yeah, I added the "Blake" parts.) Fern agrees to take Danny and Oswald to the bus station.

Taraweasel and Boston are trying to get transportation to the bus station, but they get separated (no pun intended). Boston takes a tuk-tuk, after Wil pronounces that they don't "hustle" and scurries off in a taxi with Tara. Oh, the irony!

Mary and the Fruit buy their birds and grab their clue, and they're off.

The Teeth are being shown to the right shrine at long last. Interestingly, this time when they kneel at the altar, Blake just asks God to help them not be eliminated from the Race. Yeah, right. When he was near the front of the pack, he had time to pray for the conversion of the Buddhists, but now he's in a hurry, so he kneels in front of Buddha and asks not to be eliminated? You are on my list, Blake.

Jeebus is still looking for the water taxi. Yikes!

Commercials. Sears: The Official Supplier Of Your Wretched, Empty, Humdrum Existence.

Leading are Gary and Dave and Taraweasel. In the middle are Boston and Mary/Fruit. Bringing up the rear are Cha-Cha-Cha, the Teeth, and Jeebus. Wil harasses his cab driver, who looks like he doesn't like Wil too much (who does?). Meanwhile, the tuk-tuk turns out to be the way to go, because it doesn't have to sit in traffic. The cars are sitting there eating bus exhaust, and Boston's tuk-tuk just putters, "See ya!" and is gone in a second. Gary and Dave do well, too, and they wind up alone on the first bus to Ratchaburi. Chris calls the tuk-tuk decision "the decision that turned it around."

In the Mary/Peach taxi, the Fruit isn't enjoying the odors of Bangkok.

Wil is paying his cab driver after being dropped off. "One hundred, one hundred," he insists. "I know Thailand, my brother." "My brother"? Yeesh. After he negotiates with the cabbie and gives a flippant pseudo-bow, the cabbie drives off. In short order, Wil and Tara notice that they're not actually at the bus station where they wanted to go. "He dropped us off in the middle of nowhere," the Weasel notes. Whee! I would really like to think the cabbie dropped them off in the middle of nowhere intentionally for being so unbelievably rude, because that would just please me to no end. Seriously, I want to see that happen someday to one of these teams that are so abusive to people like taxi drivers and ticket agents and such. I want somebody to get burned, and if it was Wil right here, then it couldn't happen to a more deserving guy.

Mary and the Fruit make the third bus to Ratchaburi.

Wil and Tara argue some more as they stuff their stuff into yet another taxi. "You just want to play your way, angry-little-man way," she remarks. "This is my fault?" he drones sarcastically. Yes, Wil, it's your fault if you're stranded because your driver couldn't stand you, because as much as I don't dig Tara, in other company I suspect she might be perfectly all right. The problem is you, "dude," whether you know it yet or not. When they're on their way, she says she's been asking him for two days to chill out, and he hasn't. Of course, this is because his "chill out" switch rotted and fell off long ago, but I suppose hope springs eternal.

And now for a few travel updates: Cha-Cha-Cha and the Teeth are close together, approaching the Ratchaburi bus...Taraweasel jumps on a bus to Ratchaburi, but it looks quite different from the buses everyone else is taking...in a cab, Fern teaches Cha-Cha-Cha how to say "hurry up." Heh. Alas, despite this, the Teeth beat them to the bus station and get on the bus.

Jeebus finally makes it off the water taxi, but now they can't find the bird market. Huge props to the camera guy who grabbed this week's Sad Irony Shot, which is of a big sign that says "BIRD MARKET" with an arrow in the foreground, and then features a little pan over to Russell and Cyndi walking in the opposite direction from the arrow. That is a fine, fine piece of work, and I'm surprised they managed to nab it without tipping Jeebus off. At any rate, even after they are within hearing distance of the cheeping birds at the market, they have a terrible time finding it, even wasting valuable time climbing a long set of stairs only to find nothing at the top.

"It's really wonderful that Fern came with us," Danny explains in the Cha-Cha-Cha cab, "because Fern speaks the language and has been able to communicate with everyone." "Fern is fabulous. Love her," Oswald says plainly as he looks at his guidebook, and Fern smiles. Sigh. I want to be fabulous, too. Let's all be fabulous! Danny and Oswald now deliriously repeat her name -- "Ferrrn." She teaches them to say "thank you," and they do. They all laugh. You know, people have debated this week whether Fern really saved Cha-Cha-Cha a lot of time, and I don't know if she did or not. I suspect she was a very good hedge against a disaster like Jeebus encountered, and I suspect she may indeed have been a big help. But honestly, even if she wasn't, there's something to be said for the following: Who do you think had the best time today? Who do you think probably learned the most about Bangkok? I bet it was Danny and Oswald. In other words, most of these people aren't going to win a million bucks, and what they're going to take with them is the memory of a really great trip, so as long as it doesn't work to their disadvantage in terms of the race, I think Danny and Oswald's adopt-a-local strategy is just more fun than what everybody else is doing. By all means, race your behind off, but all other things being equal? Enjoying yourself isn't a bad idea either.

Jeebus finally, finally, finally finds the bird market. To their credit, they keep plugging along, headed for the bus station and the Ratchaburi bus. Quick shots of all the other teams on their various buses, and then back to Cyndi and Russell, as she talks about how he always insists on carrying her backpack. Aw. "He's been my rock," she says. Especially around the arms, I think, because Russell has biceps like hams.

Gary and Dave and Boston, despite having been on different buses, run into each other while disembarking. Both teams get into tuk-tuks and head for the temple that's specified in the clue. And now, The Great Tuk-Tuk Horseplay Of 2002. A little ways behind Boston, Dave leans out and yells, "You guys! The rivalry begins!" Heh. Eventually, they wind up driving along to each other. "Get! Away! From our taxi!" Gary yells. Dave leans out and tries to kick Boston, and Chris reaches out to try to grab Dave's feet. It's very funny, and it's very bunch-of-guys-on-a-trip, and they're all laughing. "That kid's on the crack pipe, man," Chris says when they've pulled ahead again, over a shot of Dave making quite an impressive "damn you, you dirty bastard" face and shaking his fist. They wind up parked together at a red light (or the Thailand equivalent). "Boston sucks!" Gary yells. "NYC!" Dave follows. "Shut up, Yankees suck!" yells Chris (and I am so in agreement with that that I could almost forgive everything else Chris has ever said, because certainly, now and forever, the Yankees suck ["count the World Championships, missy" -- Sars]). Before you know it, Chris and Alex's tuk-tuk coughs, wheezes, and breaks down. Gary and Dave speed by, and Gary gives a little salute. I loved that scene, and it's by far the most I've ever liked either of these teams.

Cut to Mary, interviewing on the bus. "Peach is using the restroom, the public restroom, right now," she says with a little smile, as Peach approaches in the aisle. Mary grins and points at her. "Look, she did it. Did you do it?" The Fruit confirms that she did. "This is huge for her," Mary says. Snerk. The Fruit thinks the bathroom was pretty gross, but Mary insists it's clean.

Taraweasel. "I think this is not an express bus," the Weasel gripes. Of course, Wil has already shown today that he misunderstands the meaning of the word "bus," so I suppose he could also misunderstand the meaning of the word "express."

Temple at Ratchaburi. A big statue of a bat looms. Ah, yes. Last year, the rat temple. This year? The bat temple. It was either that or the cat temple, I suppose. Gary and Dave arrive, and start looking for the flag.

Boston works on their tuk-tuk's radiator problems. You know, if Esquire had been more mechanically inclined, perhaps their taxicab curse wouldn't have been so devastating. Between fixing the tire and apparently knowing how to lend a hand with the radiator, Chris is at least taking charge of his own destiny. They note how sad it is that "Team Bozo" got in front of them.

Speaking of Gary and Dave, they're at the temple, but in a moment reminiscent of Dark Hair and Light Hair at the Eiffel Tower, they can't find the flag. Gary, in an interview: "It's very weird for me to go to a temple and look for a clue. Usually I go to a temple and look for a parking space." (THUNK.) While they're hunting around, Boston arrives. Alex spots the flag immediately, and now they're in first place. They open the clue, and it's the Roadblock. Phil explains the task. Basically, one member of the team has to venture into a cave full of bats to retrieve the clue, wearing masks to protect against "dangerous bacteria." Dun dun dunnnn! Phil earns his paycheck this week for his delivery of the phrase "millions...of bats!" Chris takes the Roadblock for Boston, and when he re-emerges, he has nothing nice to say about the experience. "Totally rank, it was diaper city," he warmly recalls, in an interview over the footage of him gingerly working his way toward the clue. Turns out that in addition to the bats, the place is crawling with roaches. Hey, I think I know people who've lived in that apartment. Once he gets the clue and gets back out, they read it. It sends them to the pit stop at Ban Plai Pong Pang, a "traditional river house," which they have to reach by taking a "long boat," which you may think of a canoe-taxi without being too ridiculously far off.

Mary and the Fruit show up at the bat temple, and they spot the flag, too. When they read the clue, which says that the person who performs the Roadblock should be "comfortable in a crowd," Mary immediately knows what it is, and says it doesn't matter to her who does it. The Fruit literally takes a big breath and says, "I'll do it." Note that it's not like the Fruit isn't pulling her weight -- the Fruit did the last Roadblock (the bargaining), after all. I was sort of impressed that she jumped right into this one.

After quite a bit of meandering, Gary and Dave finally find the flag, just as the Teeth arrive. So, we see that Gary and Dave's little flag-finding difficulties have allowed Boston, Mary and the Fruit, and the Teeth to catch up. Blake takes the Roadblock, and he goes in with the Fruit. They appear to go together, for the most part. The Fruit makes a lot of "ooh" and "uh" discomfort noises. Back at the entrance, Dave takes the Roadblock and runs right into the cave, just as Blake and the Fruit find the McFlag. I think Dave hauled ass into the cave, because he catches up with the Fruit, who has suddenly become separated from Blake. "I was smelling elimination more than bat guano," Dave says, by way of explaining his apparent bravado. (He also ditches the mask along the way, the better to enjoy the full benefit of the dangerous bacteria.) As Blake emerges from the cave, he tells Mary that Peach is right behind him, and I think he really believes she is. But she's not, quite, and Dave actually emerges , leaving Mary to stare apprehensively at the cave entrance. Blake has taken some crap for leaving her behind, but honestly, of all the idiotic things he did this week, this is the least of my concerns. I think he ran out of the cave really thinking she was following him, and as it happened, she wasn't, because she took some kind of a wrong turn. The tense music begs us to wonder in a worried fashion: Where is the Fruit?

Commercials. Send Celine Dion a freaking sandwich, for God's sake, or she'll start singing again.

Back to the cave. Turns out the Fruit is really only a little bit lost, so she gets turned around and on her way in a short time. She also seems to remain pretty calm, which is nice to see. She and Mary find a taxi, and are now running a little behind the Teeth and Gary and Dave. When they're aboard, Mary congratulates her on a job well done. No kidding. Peach is sort of flaky, but she's got moxie, and as much as I often detest moxie, she wears it well.

Boston at the long boat. Somebody says "daddy-o" again, and I just really wish they'd quit that, unless they're going to go directly to "Gee, Officer Krupke," because otherwise, "daddy-o" is just uncalled-for.

Taraweasel at the bats. Despite the fact that Tara is ahead two-to-one in the Roadblocks and she did the last one, Wil tries to tell her she has to do it, but when she persists, he finally agrees. Have you noticed that Wil is a big baby, in addition to being an ass? As Tara goes into the cave, we cut back to Boston, landing on the pit stop mat. The greeter welcomes them, and Phil tells them they're in first place. They high-five, and frankly, they deserve it. They had a very good day. I also have to say that I have never seen two men who have the high-five-and-backslap-hug thing down to more of an exact science so that their bodies don't collide for one nanosecond more than necessary to execute the maneuver. Ladies and gentlemen, The Straightest Men In America, and don't you forget it.

Taraweasel tells their driver to go "super-fast." They're in a taxi, as are Mary and the Fruit, whereas both the Teeth and Gary and Dave are still tuk-tukking it. Catching on that this isn't such a hot idea, Gary and Dave bail out of their tuk-tuk in favor of a taxi, just as Mary and the Fruit find the boat.

Back at the bat cave. Cha-Cha-Cha arrives, and they are rather dismayed at the giant swarm of bats. Nevertheless, they read the clue and Oswald takes the Roadblock. As he walks in, he calls out, "If I don't come out alive, I looove you." Oh, Oswald. I love you, too. Then he says, in an interview: "I basically walked into the bat cave, and I said, 'Okay. This is my chance to be really, really butch.'" Ha! What a dreamboat. Inside, he looks for the flag.

Taraweasel cab. "We're going to catch up to those other teams," Wil insists to their driver. Meanwhile, Gary and Dave have hit another snag. "We're lost," Gary complains. "Buddha is not our co-pilot." (THUNK.)