This Game Is About Minutes

Previously on It's a Spaz Spaz Spaz Spaz World: Ships passing each other -- like ships that pass in the night, only during the day. More frantic running than primary season in New Hampshire. "Jungle camp." (Yeah, Phil says it again. Bring on the Scandale Bureaucratesque!) Iguacu Falls. At the airport, Chris fell in love with his ticket agent, but she didn't like him that way. Blake and Paige were both perfect size sixes and wore matching gold lavalieres. The alliance between Taraweasel and Boston lasted just long enough for Alex to waggle his eyebrows in Tara's general direction, and then it burned down, fell over, and sank into the swamp. Mary and Peach were told they were going to be killed for their backpacks, but fortunately for those of us who were not looking for them to make quite that much reality television history, they weren't. Peach was the Foster Grants distributor of Langa Township. The teams were greeted at the pit stop by Thomas Jefferson. Peggy and Claire were eliminated, much to Peggy's obvious relief. Who, Phil wonders in his deliriously dulcet tones, will be eliminated tonight?

Credits. Take a deep breath. "Wil! Has! Fleas! He has a Hair! Dis-ease! He smells like rot-ten meat! He has big hai-ry feet! He! Can't! Dance! He wears an-noy-ing pants! He has a hump! He yells...too much...don't look...don't touch...and he's...way! Too! Tense! He has no fa-shion sense! The Weasel! [BOMP.]"

Commercials. I really think there may be something unseemly going on between the Michelin Man and that tire.

Winery. Ironically, the camera-careening around the estate isn't all that drunken. Perhaps now that they have access to all the wine they can drink, it's not as much fun anymore. Anyway, Phil explains that we are at a three-hundred-year-old estate in South African wine country. Phil's voice sounds a little subdued, like he has a slight cold, or maybe he's trying not to wake up the grapes. Mandatory rest period, eating, mingling, et cetera. Phil notes that during the pit stop, some of the teams "celebrated more than others."

Cut to a thoroughly sloshed Wil, looking like...well, many of us, on a few occasions we are loath to recall. Peach says that some trouble started at the dinner table, and Dave clarifies that the evildoers were Boston and Wil. Really? Alert the media. Apparently, they were getting "loud and vulgar," especially the Weasel. Speaking of rodents, Wil, wearing his hideous purple-and-white shirt, interviews about what is, by now, fairly obvious -- the fact that he had a lot to drink at the pit stop. Cut back to the evening, where a barely-able-to-remain-upright Wil says, "I want to have fun with the hot South African ladies, man." Alex is highly entertained, but I suppose he can afford to be. ("Dude, you're hilarious! Mind if I borrow your wife?") Anyway, Mary says that "a couple of lines got crossed, and Wil played a key part in that." Wil explains that Russell didn't appreciate the swearing that became part of the revelry (as it so often does). Cut back to a swaying Wil. Wil even admits that Jeebus "had reasons to be upset," although he also somehow attributes Russell's reaction to his being in last place, which...I think is a stretch. I know plenty of people of all ages, religions, and philosophies of life that would not appreciate being part of what's going on here, and I don't think you have to be losing the race to feel that way. In fact, I generally don't want to be a part of it, even when I'm the one doing it. Actually, especially when I'm the one doing it.

Now Phil points out that at the pit stop, "other relationships continued to grow," and we see Boston arriving and Alex being hugged by Tara. up, a grainy, poorly-lit, internet-bootleg-ish shot of Alex and Tara huddled...somewhere. A goofily smiling Alex turns to the camera and says, "We're just 'strategizing.'" He finger-quotes "strategizing," and he seriously needs some romantic advice, because finger-quoting is so thoroughly the opposite of an aphrodisiac, I cannot even tell you. It is truly the unsexiest thing since drooling and polka-dot bow ties. Over more film of Alex and Tara "strategizing," Wil says that his un-wife is free to see who she wants, and he reminds us that he could do the same (that sound you hear is Mary, Peach, Cyndi, Paige, AND Danny and Oswald simultaneously shuddering). He points out that nevertheless, they shouldn't "stick it in each other's faces," and I'm not even going to think about what that means, because with all the canoodling, I'm already barely holding on to dinner. A clearly drunk Alex and Tara are still mugging for the camera, and he goes to kiss her (he is totally going to kiss her, too, camera-mugging or not), and she shoves him off. Heh. I have a warm, happy feeling that they deserve each other.

Wow, quite a week -- sex and booze before we even see the Exposition Hands. And now, eight teams...no idea what's in store...sealed envelopes...Exposition Hands. Eh, I'm back to thinking they've changed the hands. These hands are too girly.

2:52 AM. Cha-Cha-Cha. The clue tells them to use a map to get to the Cape Aviation Business Center and find Ryan Blake Air. (You know, if that were "Ryan Blake, Heir," it would be a perfect description of about half the guys I knew in high school.) There are two charter flights to Walvis Bay, Namibia (which Oswald fabulously pronounces "Na-meeee-bia"), leaving three hours apart, and each is able to hold four teams. Luscious establishing shots of the sun-soaked desert, then the Amazing Yellow Line helpfully moves across the Amazing World Map to demonstrate the route in case you are confused. Man, the AYL always makes it look so easy.

2:52 AM. Taraweasel. If you can believe this, Wil's hat is even toolier than last week's. This time, it's a multicolored stripey knit cap in the '70s-chic color scheme of yellow, orange, and brown. I begin working on a legal brief arguing that Wil's hats make statements so self-incriminating they should come with Miranda warnings. Nevertheless, I feel strangely obligated not to be too mean to this particular hat, because it looks like his mom could have made it. If she did, I encourage her to take it off him long enough to smack him on the back of the head, and then put it back on. He'll be better off, believe me.

2:52 AM. (Are you enjoying 2:52 AM? It's a very active minute.) Gary and Dave. They read the clue and reveal that they've been given $210 in cash for the leg. Cha-Cha-Cha, Taraweasel, and Gary and Dave all leave together, and Oswald voices over that they're all splitting a cab to the airport. As they walk out, Danny explains that he has some pain in his foot, and Oswald says that he hurt it "trying to do yoga." Heh. Of course, all injuries are potentially hilarious, but I especially like the idea of Danny hurting himself in some kind of ultimately unsuccessful attempt at yoga. Danny says he tried to hide the pain so that no one would know. Sing him a little country song, won't you?

ChaTaGaDa goes off in their van, with Tara and the Weasel voicing over that the cab-share made solid financial sense. They get to the airport and go inside, and they all sign up for the first plane. Cha-Cha-Cha is so excited that they do a whole who's-your-daddy boogie, which Dave cheers appreciatively. (Interestingly, the yoga injury doesn't interrupt the dance.) ChaTaGaDa takes a group nap, as Oswald voices over that they expect the last team on their flight to be Mary and the Fruit. Amusingly enough, everybody else has a couch or a couch cushion to sleep on, but Wil's on the floor. Heh.

5:56 AM. Mary and Peach. As they run from the pit stop to a cab, the Fruit voices over that she's been sick, so she's feeling very weak, but she's trying to hang in there. I barely recognize her in this interview with her hair down and a flat-brimmed straw hat on -- the look is kind of Un-Fruit, based on what we've seen so far. It's very Fantasy Island. I think I like it. When they're aboard, the Fruit points out anxiously that Xerox and Blake/Paige are only six minutes back, so if they're going to beat them to the last spot on the first flight, they've got to hustle.

6:02 PM. Speaking of Xerox and Blake/Paige, here they are. Paige is sporting the little Ponytail Horns again over her little blue bandanna, and she also has a camouflage shirt that says, "KAPPA." The entire get-up grabs me, shakes me, and yells, "I AM CUTE AS A BUTTON, DAMMIT!" Put me down, Paige's outfit! Blake, on the other hand, is wearing a black sleeveless shirt and a knit FDNY hat. Pretty obviously, if he's going sleeveless, he doesn't need the hat for warmth, which means he's wearing the hat for effect, which I'm not sure I like. There's a fine line between respectful and crass, and I'd have to know the guy better to know which side he's on.

In the Mary/Fruit cab, Mary is explaining to the driver that they're in a huge hurry, because there are teams right behind them. Back at the pit stop, those teams run for cabs. Blake voices over that he likes being in the middle of the pack, and that although they're doing well, they've been humbled by their misfortunes enough to realize that anything can happen. Even though I don't care too much for this team, that's actually not a bad lesson -- I took the position last season that one of the things that separated good teams from bad teams was the ability to successfully recover after a setback, and certainly that overconfidence can be your downfall, so they at least have this going for them. Xerox climbs into a cab, and Doyin interviews that at this point? It's "eat or be eaten." Gosh. If those are the only options, somebody else can gnaw on Wil, because I get the impression he'd be kinda gamey.

In the Blake/Paige cab, Blake promises an extra 100-rand tip if the driver gets him and Paige to the airport before the other two teams. Then he cackles and twirls his moustache. Okay, not really. Meanwhile, Xerox (which is running a few yards behind Blake and Paige) wonders why, whenever they're tied, they're always a bit behind rather than a bit ahead. I wonder that, too, and I fear that it bodes ill for them. Blake reiterates that Mary and Peach would have left for the airport about three minutes before they did, and his driver repeats that it's no problem -- they'll beat the ladies to the airport. In her cab, the Fruit tells her driver that they don't want him to get a ticket, so if he needs to slow down, he can do that. "We appreciate everything you're doing for us," she says. Fruit, nooooooo! Don't slow down! Blake has bribed his driver! Faster, Fruit, Faster!

Xerox asks their driver if he knows any shortcuts. Shortcuts? Eek. Considering the Xerox luck of late, I suspect that any shortcut will take them by way of New Jersey. The driver says yes, and adds that the other driver won't know about his big secret. Oy, this makes me so nervous.

At the airport, Gary and Dave snooze. Outside, a green van pulls up, and Oswald meets it, opens the door, and extracts the Fruit. Without even saying hello, he takes her arm and says, "Okay, just pay later, just go in and sign up." He scans the road for other approaching teams, leaving his hand on her arm protectively as she gets out of the cab. Mary and the Fruit go inside and check in, making it onto the first flight. Can I just say again that Oswald is my boyfriend? What a doll. I think he and I should open a small business together where all we do is invite people in for tea, and if they're nice, we'll kiss their hands and tell them how fabulous they are, and if they step out of line, we'll just drink champagne and make fun of their clothes after they leave.

Xerox arrives very shortly thereafter, only to find they've barely missed making it on the first flight. As they step back from the ticket counter, voicing over that they were only a minute or so behind Mary and Peach, Blake shows up in the background, out of focus. He smiles, and there's an insanely white blur representing his teeth. I am not making this up. Finally, they pull him into focus, just as he says, "This game is about minutes, huh?" Xerox agrees, afraid that if they disagree, Blake's teeth will jump out of his mouth, scuttle across the floor, and start arguing the point strenuously while weakening the opposition with their pulsating, blinding glow. Outside, walking with Paige, Blake bitches about being bunched away from the lead. Boo hoo.

8:50 AM. Boston. They start to hurry away from the pit stop, but they realize that they're waiting for a noon flight, so they've got nothing to rush for. "It stinks being down low," Chris mopes. Blah blah blah, they're going to get their "competitive juices" going, "kick ass," yap yap yap. They get in a cab. I silently pray that we don't have to see too much of Chris and Alex's "competitive juices," because there are some things I just don't need to know about, and that's one of them. In fact, in the book where those things are written, that's underlined and highlighted.

8:51 AM. Jeebus. Russell reads the clue and refers to Namibia as "Nambia." The chorus of Amazing Race fans yelling, "That's Namibia, jackass!" at their televisions is so powerful that it flattens poorly constructed buildings in countries around the world. They're off. Cyndi says that "all the teams that are left are very, very, very aggressive." She says you don't have to play mean to win. She says, specifically, "We believe God that we can win and not compromise." This is exactly the part of their approach I can't agree with, and she's actually summed it up very nicely. I would believe that God tells you not to compromise your principles. But I don't see God making you any promises that you can win the million bucks without compromising. In fact, any God who tells you that sticking to your principles isn't going to have its potential monetary and pragmatic downside would be misleading you. I would think God would tell you to be a good person, and if that means you don't win the million bucks, then so be it, because what really matters is what kind of person you choose to be, not whether you win a million dollars. I suspect they believe this, too, if they have more than a ten-second sound bite to explain it, but it's comments like this that make me a little jumpy.

9:00 AM. There goes the first charter. Gary says that they were happy to be in the top tier of teams getting out on the first flight. Man, the Weasel still has that hat on. When will the torture end?

Boston and Jeebus arrive at the airport. Paige re-exposits their position in the second bunch. In Paige's interview, you can see that her fleece pullover has the "Team Mycoskie" logo. Team Guido's lawyer begins preparing their complaint for copyright infringement. There's also a little close-up in here of Alex's shoulder. Me: "[Eye roll.] Oh, not."

The first charter lands at the desert airport, with the Weasel griping that he can't imagine what they could possibly be doing here. "It's all sand," he says. Well, yes. Welcome to the desert, nitwit. It's like that. When they get over to the airport, they find the McFlag and grab the clue. It tells them to get to the top of Swakopmund Lighthouse. As Gary and Dave look at their map, it appears that they actually studied it in advance, trying to see where they might need to go. BAH! Did Gary and Dave do research? That's going to interfere with my worldview.

Lots and lots of drunken careening as we are introduced to the town and the lighthouse. Back at the Walvis Bay airport, Oswald and Danny are looking into renting a car, with the rest of ChaTaGaDa looking on anxiously. When the lady behind the counter finds out that they don't have a credit card, though, she tells Oswald he can't rent a car. Taraweasel and Gary and Dave take off in search of taxis, but Oswald perseveres. "What option do I have?" he asks. "Credit card," she says wearily. "No credit card," he says calmly. "How can we go from here to Swakopmund?" "I can give two people a lift," she says -- just like that. Of course, something here is a little cooked, because she has to actually give four people a lift (they have to accommodate their camera guy and their sound guy), but the gist appears to be genuine. Danny asks how much it will be for the ride, and the lady just says to give the driver whatever they think is fair. Oswald kisses her hand as they leave. They put their stuff into a car, and Oswald voices over that once again, they learned the value of being polite and pleasant when you need help. Amen, brother. In their cab, Cha-Cha-Cha discusses the fact that they may or may not remain in first place, even though they're doing well coming out of the airport.

Back at the airport, Gary and Dave saunter up to a little "Gift Shop & Taxi Stand," as The Amazing Little White Letters label it. He asks the lady working there how they'd go about getting a taxi. "I can arrange it," she says. "You can arrange it," Gary repeats, surprised but not overly so. "Oh, how civilized." Honestly, that could be taken as something he perhaps shouldn't have said, but I can overlook it. Then he says, "Let's get it on," and I can't overlook that. You just had to push your luck, didn't you, Gary?

Jeebus comes in to finish sixth. Right behind them, here comes Boston. Phil tells them they're team number seven. Alex throws himself into a big hug with Phil. "Did you think you were out?" Phil asks. "Yes, I did," Alex says. Now Chris does probably one of the strangest thing I have ever, and I do mean ever, seen a racer do. He awkwardly hugs the "bushman" (I don't know if that's the right terminology, but they don't give me anything else) who is serving as a greeter. Furthermore, he says, "Gimme some." Said greeter looks rather uncomfortable. I realize that it's not meant to be disrespectful, but this is a very weird choice on Chris's part. Unsolicited hugging of total strangers isn't something I particularly appreciate in the United States, and in this setting, I like it even a little less. I realize that Kevin and Drew hugged the greeters once or twice last year, but somehow that appeared to be an overbubbling of enthusiasm, and this seems like more of an effort to appear sweet, and it just seems weird.

Xerox. They sadly explain that they didn't make it to the dunes before they closed, so they just went ahead to the pit stop, presumably skipping the Roadblock and the Detour. One of them (without a visual, I am completely at a loss) voices over that it's been great, that he's had fun, and that he wouldn't trade it for anything. Aww. They step up to the mat, and are Phil-iminated. They take it pretty well. "I love this guy," Shola says, indicating his doppelganger. Sigh. "If they can finish this," says a Xerox, over footage of the other teams, "I want to be at the finish line to shake their hand." Ooooh, good ending!

The lesson of this episode? Do not in any way become affiliated with Blake and Paige. They step on the mat with Norm and Hope, and Norm and Hope are eliminated. They share a tent with Peggy and Claire, and Peggy and Claire are eliminated. They step on the mat with Xerox, and Xerox is eliminated. I'm telling you, it's some kind of creepy-ass Texas voodoo or something. Do not fall victim!

Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.

week: Blake and Wil hiss and spit at each other some more. Boston and Gary and Dave screw around, although Phil tries to make it sound like they have a serious fight. (Not.) Cyndi doesn't really appreciate being in a cave full of bats.