Fight to the Last Minutes

Previously on Thrilla With-a Phil-a: The sun came up. From Krabi, Thailand, the teams went to Pai Plong Beach, via mountains, water, and a big chicken. Anti-bunching gave us two lead teams -- Danza and Esquire -- and two trailing teams -- Guidos and Frats -- separated by what was eventually a time difference of about eighteen hours. Rob grunted, "Huuh!" but then he hurt his finger. Margarita despaired, "My legs are shaking!" but then she climbed the mountain. The Esquire transportation curse continued, and spread from land to sea. Bill and Joe pondered whether the world has ever known anything as wonderful as they are, Frank and Margarita frolicked in flowered fields while the strains of Some Enchanted Evening swelled in the background, and Drew and Kevin debated who had the more burdensome ass. Tonight? The brawl for it all (tm Kevin).

Credits. Music from the upcoming boxing/needlepoint film, Now THAT'S What I Call Hitting The Canvas!.

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This week, the cameramen have mixed their usual vodka tonics with entire boxes of Dexatrim, and they are therefore motivated to jerk even more violently than usual from one scene to another. I had trouble seeing this sequence through the violent seizure it induced, but it goes something like this: beach, sun, boats, sun, trees, truck, trees, sun, statue, water, sun disappearing and reappearing, guy bowing and praying, beach, statue, sun, statue, sun, statue, sun, sun, sun, mountains and beach, beach, boats. I'm not kidding. I'm concerned that the cameramen are high, and if they are, that the editors are their dealers.

Phil tells us that we are at Pai Plong Beach. Damn, that's a fine-looking beach, certainly one of the better pit stop locations. (Between this and The Tiger Cave Temple Of Plush Pillows, we're getting some very nice scenery lately.) Shots of the teams arriving. And now, ladies and gentlemen, settle back with your popcorn and enjoy Phil's famous yellow-and-white-route-markers, clues-in-sealed-envelopes speech, accompanied by the mesmerizing sight of The Soft And Sweetly Loving Hands Of Rule-Related Exposition. I guess last week's failure to provide this crucial information was just a fluke. Van Munster is worried about the latecomers, and the possibility that they're confused. Someone, incidentally, has got to tell me who the Exposition Hands are. Please. It's killing me. Are you the Exposition Hands? Call me. We'll have lunch. I'll just watch adoringly while you salt my food.

Anyway, Phil tells us that this is the last leg to end in an elimination, and then the three last teams will just race for the finish line. Shot of Danza and Esquire standing on the beach as Phil exposits yet again that these two teams are ahead. Phil? I am visibly aging here. Can we move along? Incidentally, Phil says that the Guidos and the Frats will be at the pit stop long after Esquire and Danza leave -- he fails to mention that the Guidos and the Frats appear to have not even arrived until long after Danza and Esquire left. Phil attempts to build suspense by wondering aloud whether the trailing teams can catch up with the leaders, but his efforts are undercut by how utterly ridiculous he looks in the rolled-up pant-legs and the bare feet. Sucks to be washed up on the beach in paradise with nothing but your beige button-down shirt and your brown pants. Where's Phil's Hawaiian shirt? Where are Phil's devil-may-care denim cutoffs? Everybody else gets to swim, but Phil's mom only lets him go wading.

6:03 AM. Esquire. Backwards baseball cap. Visor. They're looking seriously dirty, and not in the good way, either. Just kinda stanky. They read the clue, which tells them to go to the Top Pavilion at Jingshan Park in Beijing, China. As usual, Phil repeats the clue for the benefit of the people who are channel-surfing and missed the clue the first time because they were distracted by Joan Rivers selling jewelry over on QVC. ("Buy this necklace, dammit! And did you see what Della Reese wore to the Emmys? Oh, yeeech! Ptooey!") As they leave, Rob says, "Let's boogie." Good grief, I'm not sure whether that's better or worse than last week's "Let's rock." They get on a boat as Rob explains that their research (what do you want? They're lawyers) has revealed to them that they should get themselves to the airport at Phuket. He goes on to say (as I did in last week's recap, thank you very much) that their departure time is pretty much ideal -- you start at dawn, you're much less likely to have to wait around. They de-boat and work on getting a cab. Uh-oh. You know what that means. The New York Un-tipped Cabbie gets out his book of incantations.

6:15 AM. Danza opens the clue and takes off. They, like Esquire, look completely unsurprised, like they spent the last twelve hours discussing how inevitable China was. In the boat on the way to the airport, they talk about the fact that this is "the final stretch," and call each other "baby" a lot. Margarita says that their approach has been different from the other teams, in that they've decided to relax and take one leg at a time. First of all, I'm not sure it's that different from the other teams, because I think some of them have done that, too. Second, I'm not sure they (particularly Frank) have been all that calm and relaxed, especially compared to Esquire, which has sometimes appeared to be in such a Zen-like state of unconcern that it may be sleeping with its eyes open. I can't argue with her final point, though, which is that the Danza strategy, whatever it is, is working for them.

Speaking of those meditative lawyers, they're still waiting for their cab. "This sucks," Rob says, "because the teams that are behind us are going to gain significant ground on us." Transportation curse, baby. Get used to it, because it's not easing up on you. It seems at first glance like worrying over the taxi delay is silly right now, because it's not going to let the Frats and the Guidos catch up, and they've got to think they're bunching with Danza at the airport anyway, but I have a feeling that Rob has a feeling that they're about to miss a tasty morning flight if they don't get their fannies to the airport. Frank and Margarita step off their boat and get going toward the airport as well. Finally, we see Esquire climb into a cab, encouraging the driver to shake a leg, because they're hoping to catch a flight. (I'm not sure whether he knows that they're going for a particular flight right now or not.) As Frank and Margarita amble along in what looks to be a very relaxed manner, Frank says, "We're in a race, man. We're in a rush rush rushy rush." They're still ambling, though. They get a cab, too.

Esquire cab. "It just feels good to have a little bit of a lead in one of the most important legs of the race," Brennan says. "The most important leg," Rob says with a smile. "It would be huge if we could get there by the end of the day," he goes on, "because otherwise the second-tier teams are gonna gain a little ground." He makes a forward-march gesture and says, "Drive fast." Incidentally, something about the angle and the light in this shot reveals what's under the white patch on Rob's shirt: a Nike swoosh. Damn, I really thought it was an MBTV logo.

In a Team Guido interview in which they are wearing the team-name-embroidered Even-Worse-Than-The-Hating-Hats, Bill explains that although they're currently bunched away from the lead, "that can all be changed at any moment by the great equalizer, which is the airport." Well, yes, Bill, but probably not to the tune of eighteen hours. That's going to take a series of bunchings, I'd think. Furthermore, it could just as easily get worse at the airport, depending on who makes flights and who misses them. We'll see, Guido. We'll see.

Phuket Airport, which is not actually officially called "The Great Equalizer," 8:20 AM. (Wouldn't it be great if your airport really were called "The Great Equalizer"? You could say, "I'm flying out of JFK at 7:15, and I get in to The Great Equalizer at 10:40, assuming a good tailwind.") Esquire learns that there's a flight to Bangkok (where they need to go first in order to connect to Beijing) at 8:30. They don't make it. The counter person tells them it's gone. Rob looks disgusted. "I can't believe we missed that flight," he says. "That's gonna haunt me, dude. It's gonna haunt me." Brennan is quiet, but his face is all gritted-teeth-smiling, like, "I'm trying to book a flight, man, and if you don't shut up, I'm going to break your other hand, and that will haunt you." As Frank walks up, Rob tells him the bad news. "Are you ready to kick yourself?" He goes on to explain that had they made the 8:30 to Bangkok, they could have been in Beijing by 4:30. Now? They have to wait until midday for a flight to Bangkok. Again, I find the friendliness of these teams really interesting, considering their checkered history. ["Rob's monologue in Episode Eight, about how they generally are relieved to see other teams because it means they're on the right track, might explain it." -- Sars] Both teams decide not to buy tickets from Bangkok to Beijing yet, hoping to make something good happen once they're at the airport.

Rob explains that Drew and Kevin will make the 8:30 on Day Two that Esquire and Danza barely missed on Day One, so they'll pick up some time. Speaking of whom

11:35 PM. Drew and Kevin. Drew explains in an interview that this leg will be more brutal than the final leg, but his explanation kind of loses me. It has something to do with how fourth place was good when there were eleven teams, but it kind of sucks when there are four teams, but I'm not sure why this leg will be worse than the one, when even third place will suck. Actually, second place will suck too. Anyway, Team Shower-Fresh makes it to a hotel, where they start trying to get information about flights. As they're at the counter trying to make phone calls, some girls come by, and Drew wonders aloud whether the place is a "house of ill refute" [sic]. Kevin allows as how there's at the very least a "big big party going on." He calls to check on flights, and he calls the person on the phone "my friend," as always. I adore Kevin.

1:25 AM. Esquire and Danza on their flight to Beijing. Rob has his black do-rag on. (How many of those does a boy need?) Brennan is wearing the Hating-Hat. Ack. They'll be in Beijing at 7:00 on the morning of Day Two.

1:30 AM. Guidos get the clue. As they make their way across the beach, Joe explains to us in the Horrid-Hat interview that "eventually, it's going to come down to the final three." Based on that, he says that he and Bill "need to be one of those three teams." Uhhhhokay. Good thinking, Joe! At 3:48 in the morning, they make it to Phuket airport, where Kevin and Drew are booking their flights to Bangkok and then to Beijing.

Speaking of Beijing, let's go there now. Look! People on bicycles. And here's the EDG plane, landing. They scurry off the plane, and for whatever reason, Danza outperforms Esquire at the taxi stand (oh, I'm sorry -- I know why) and zooms off in the first cab. They arrive at Jingshan Park and start the climb up to the top pavilion. Margarita asks Loud Pushy Frank whether he thinks Rob and Brennan have gotten there yet, and he gives the only right answer to that question: "Don't know, don't care." Way to go, LPFrank.

Esquire, meanwhile, piles out of their cab and starts up as well.

Danza opens the Detour. This is actually one of the better detours I think they've come up with, because it actually presents an interesting choice. Choice one, "Volley," requires the team to go play ping-pong against a "local champion" and score five points. Phil reminds us that ping-pong is the national sport in China, so perhaps teams shouldn't hold their breath. Choice two, "Rally," requires the teams to complete a three-part transportation race, including a bus, a motorcycle, and a rickshaw. Danza decides to do the ping-pong, which I have to say struck me as absolutely insane when I saw them do it. But then, I'm really bad at ping-pong. I could be soundly beaten by the champion of the Lilliputian Table Tennis Federation. I probably wouldn't even score five points.

Here comes Esquire. They read the Detour clue. "Let's do the ping-pong -- we've got our driver, we're good at ping-pong" "They're probably going to kick our butt," Brennan says prophetically.

In Cab Danza, Margarita explains their decision. Basically, they're experiencing Momily-like levels of frustration, and she's ready for the path of least resistance. No more traffic, no more taxis, no more local streets. She's had it. As she's explaining, Frank finishes reading the clue, which they apparently hadn't done before. It seems that he didn't notice the "you have to win five points" part. He just saw that they had to play. Rather a large omission, Hasty Confident Frank. Anyway, he's sad now, because he's noticed that "the Chinese are really good at ping-pong," and he thinks winning five points could take a while.

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Beijing. People on bicycles. Esquire is on their way to the community center where the ping-pong is to be played, and Rob explains that he understands that ping-pong is the national sport, but he and Brennan "have a table at [their] place, and [they're] good, too." Dude! Party at Esquire's. Then he waggles his taped-up injured knuckle and points out that, because of this little problem, Brennan is doing the pinging and ponging on behalf of the team. (He actually says Brennan is doing "the legwork on the ping-pong paddle," which doesn't make any sense, so I translated it into English for you.) Inside their cab, Brennan says that "no matter how good the ping-pong player is, even if you've never played before, you should be able to get five points." You may call that The Brennan Quote His Friends Will Throw In His Face For The Rest Of His Life. I suspect that's what he calls it.

Frank and Margarita arrive at The Community Center Of Ping-Pongness. The "local champion" appears, and he looks to be about twelve. And it's a good thing, too, because I've seen some elite ping-pong on ESPN2, and these people could have been here a LONG time if it hadn't been a twelve-year-old. "They bring some kid to spank meno problem," says Intimidated Insecure Frank. There's something about that Frank moment that has exactly the one form of charm he has that I like. It's the same thing he did when Margarita passed him in the sports car while he was in the Swatch car, and he said, "That's cool, though." Heh. Anyway, Frank flubs the first point. Spanky flubs the second point. Spanky flubs another point. Spanky flubs again, and it's 3-1 in favor of LPFrank. (Spanky is nervous, I think.) Frank hits the one off the table. Spanky's warming up now, and Frank flubs another one, followed by another one. Now it's 4-3, Spanky.

Esquire cab. Rob starts to grin. "WatchI think we're underestimating this ping-pong dude." Brennan chuckles. Rob, again: "Three hours laterballs bouncin' off your forehead" Hee! Funny Esquire. Furthermore, there (on the word "bouncin'") is Rob's Minnesota accent for you, and what could be cooler than that?

Back at the CCPP, Spanky misses again. It's a tie now. Frank's in the net, and down 5-4. Now Frank's off the table, and down 6-4. Spanky finally misses, and Danza is on its way. They both shake Spanky's hand, then they go collect the clue. It tells them to go to a market and do some shopping. "Not bad for an old guy," Frank says as they leave, still giddy over his ability to hold his own against a twelve-year-old. One could be inclined to make fun, but Frank's exhilaration is going to seem a lot more reasonable in about two minutes.

Phil explains that when they've bested Spanky, the teams will have to go to a food market, get a shopping list, and pick up some stuff. They'll need help with the list, though, because it's written in Chinese. There's a particularly lovely shot along here of the heads of something or other, lying in their own juices. Yum.

Esquire, CCPP. Spanky scopes them out as they enter. Spanky looks completely different as he starts to play Brennan. I have a feeling that he got significantly warmed up or relaxed or something during his bout with Loud Pushy Frank, and now he's on fire. Spanky not only quickly goes to work on Brennan, but also manages to win the second point off of Brennan's crotch, which is just plain demoralizing. ["If any of you has ever wondered what the phrase 'oh, NOT' would look like in the flesh, dig Brennan's face when the ping-pong ball bounces off his wonderfulness. Perfect. I laughed out loud. Sorry, Brennan." -- Sars] "I just need five," Brennan says, down 3-0. He loses another point. "And I've got a long way to go," he adds.

Danza de-cabs at the market. Phil tells us that they have to buy five beetle larvae, one squid, and two chicken feet. I'd do the chicken feet okay, and I've eaten squid (though I found it disgusting), but the beetle larvae? Oy. They're wiggling and everything, right there in the bins. Shudder. Serving suggestion? They go great with red wine and Raid. Once they buy the food, the teams have to take it to what basically looks like part of a food court.

CCPP. Spanky 11, Brennan zero. Zippo, zilch, nada. Brennan chuckles pretty good-naturedly as he repeats the score. "Eleven-zero." Yup. When he loses the point, he says he'll let it go to fifteen-zip, and then he'll maybe let Rob give it a try, even with the screwy finger. Spanky gets another one, to make it 13-0. "That's some good old-fashioned ass-kicking," Rob says admiringly in the background, and Brennan laughs. Heh. No kidding. You've got to give the boys credit for the good humor in this sequence, I think. At this point, Spanky nets one, and it's 13-1. Brennan raises his arms in triumph.

The market. Danza is explaining that they want exactly five beetle larvae.

CCPP. 14-1. 15-1. Up comes Rob, busted finger on the paddle hand and everything. His first shot is off the table. 16-1. Spanky's shot sails long. 16-2. Rob's shot sails long. 17-2.

Market. Margarita explains, "I'm getting a big giant squid." I'd point out that these aren't "big giant squid." There is such a thing as a "big giant squid," and you're not getting one, Margarita. Now eating that would be a Roadblock.

CCPP, where we're up to 21-2. Esquire is getting its ass thoroughly and decisively kicked. By Spanky. Who's twelve. Man, and you thought the guys at Bally's were gonna ride Brennan about the time he let Amie beat him over the fence at the Coliseum in Tunisia. He's never going to have peace now. Ever. If I were an Esquire buddy, I definitely think the time I played one of them, I'd continually threaten to get on the Spanky-Phone and have him beaten soundly. "Don't make me call Beijing!" Anyway, Spanky's shot is way off, and it's 21-3. I would point out that the twelve-year-old-ness of the opponent isn't keeping Rob from wearing his Competition Face -- that would be the grim, determined, I'd-chew-gum-if-I-had-any face. Spanky's off the table again. 21-4. Rob's in the net. 22-4. Rob's off the table. 23-4. Rob's in the net again. 24-4. Spanky flubs his shot, and Rob emerges victorious, winning (?) by a final score of 5-24. Have I mentioned that Spanky is twelve? Rob and Brennan both shake the kid's hand, and they head out. They give their driver the address of the market, and off they go.

Danza, buying chicken feet, then hopping in a cab with their new and improved lightweight backpacks. (That was a good idea, I'm starting to think.) "Margarita with the shopping skills," Frank says admiringly once they're on their way. They discuss the fact that, apparently, they're the only ones around who were buying their beetles by the piece, because you're supposed to buy them in bulk. Of course you are. Who can eat just one beetle larva?

Esquire, at the market. For whatever reason, they wind up with a dried squid instead of a wet one. Doesn't really matter, I suppose. Grapes, raisins, whatever. They, too, comment on the weird looks they're getting for not stocking up on beetle larvae. Then they're out and on their way. In the cab, Rob takes out the squid and mock-gnaws on it. Heh.

Danza, at the food court. They read the Roadblock clue, which says, "Who's hungry?" Margarita clearly doesn't want to do this at all, but when Frank insists that she actually say she doesn't want to do it, rather than just passive-aggressive-ing that she doesn't want to do it, she changes course and passive-aggressives that she'll do it. Incidentally, I'm totally with Frank. If she doesn't want to do it, that's fine, but she ought to be willing to say, "Eew, don't make me eat the bugs, baby." If she had, that would've been fine. Instead, now she reads the clue, which confirms that she has to eat all of what they just bought (after having it cooked). Yep. Moral of the story? If you don't want to do it, say, "I don't want to do it." Otherwise, you end up bitter and resentful, which is bad enough even when you don't have a mouthful of beetle larvae.

Meanwhile, in their cab, Esquire examines the food. Brennan makes little alien noises with the beetles, which completely cracks me up, and Rob intuits that he probably knows what the Roadblock is. You betcha.

Frank calls Margarita "a moron" for saying she'd do the food when she didn't want to. She insists she was trying to help him, because his stomach was upset. They now have the famous Fight From the Previews, in which she says she doesn't appreciate the way he talks to her when he does things like calling her a moron. As I've made clear, I think she sort of was a moron in this situation, but also, as I've said many times, Frank could use a little more humility and a little less yelling, so I'm with her on that point. I'm always in favor of Margarita saying, "You don't have to speak to me like that."

Frank tells the camera in a quickie interview, "I do appreciate that she's trying to help me out. I'm just a little impatient and stubborn and stupid sometimes, so I guess I need to apologize." He forgot to say "loud and pushy," but other than that, it was a very self-aware moment for Frank. Outside, Esquire arrives and pulls the Roadblock clue. Inside, Frank finds his wife. "I just want to apologize for being an insensitive jerk," he says. When she snorts at him, he says, "I am! I'm apologizing." They kiss and make up. Hmm. When I first saw this apology, it didn't look very sincere to me. It looked like one of those apologies where the guy says he's sorry, but he's smirking the entire time because he thinks the fact that you want him to apologize is so stupid, but he's humoring you to get you to shut up. Now, though, I realize that it's extremely hard to tell the difference between that apology and the kind of apology where the guy is genuinely embarrassed and sheepish, and smirking for that reason. So I'm not sure which it is. I'm leaning about 60-40 that it was sincere at this point.

Outside, when Esquire sees the "Who's hungry?" clue, Rob immediately says, "Well, this is your thing." I think this is almost the first time they haven't alternated (Brennan did the paddling, too), so I'm curious about what it is about eating chicken feet, beetles, and squid that could possibly be Brennan's "thing." At any rate, it takes them their usual four-tenths of a second to decide what they're doing.

As the food cooks, Frank tells Margarita that she has to eat fast. "In a jiffy," as he says. Hey, Frank Formerly Known As Loud And Pushy? Shut up. She knows.

Here comes Esquire. Brennan smiles at Danza as they pass. "Let me guess, Bren, you're doing it," Margarita says. What, does he eat everything everywhere they go? Is he Exotic Food Liker? There's definitely a dynamic here that I'm not getting. (Or else she wants Brennan to do it so Rob won't have beetle breath later, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.) Esquire gives the chef their food, and Danza collects theirs, now fully cooked. Margarita starts in, and she's doing pretty well, until she makes one very sour face. "Wow, it's that bad, huh?" Brennan says, trying to frown but actually smiling. She starts eating again. Brennan, quietly and warily, to Rob: "Whatever you do, don't stand there lookin' at me like Frank's doing to her, two feet from my face." Sure enough, Frank is standing very close to his wife, staring intently at her as every piece of food goes into her mouth. Wow -- back off, Unnecessarily Attentive Frank. As Margarita continues to eat, Brennan collects his cooked food. Rob wears a scowly-smiley face through this entire sequence, as Brennan chews first on the chicken feet. Margarita tries washing down a whole beetle with some of her drink; nothing doing, so she takes it out of her mouth and takes it apart so she can eat it. Eek.

Meanwhile, as Brennan eats the chicken, Rob asks him, "Is it curry?" "No," Brennan says sadly. "It's justfeet." HA! Eating feet is funny. Rob thinks so, too, because he's got a full cackle going now. Over footage of Margarita scarfing food down, she voices over that as she ate bite after bite, she tried to think about her daughter and the money they might win. "College tuition," she says in the interview as she mimes popping beetles into her mouth. In this interview, Lovely Smile Frank shows off hiswell, lovely smile. I admit it. These two have totally grown on me.

Brennan eats the bugs as Rob looks on in what I can only describe as growing horror. Well, it might just be amazement. "Wow, you're good at this," he says admiringly. "At least you're getting lunch." Hee.

Margarita's all done, and she gets the clue, which sends her off (with a hearty "good job, Mar" from Rob). As Brennan finishes eating, he can't resist playing with his food just a tiny bit more, making a sort of "Awk" noise as he dangles a shred of squid over his plate. Because he's mature that way. Outside, as Danza grabs a cab, Margarita explains that the beetles were problematic partly because they made her think of cockroaches. Word. They made me think of cockroaches, too.

Brennan eats his last bite, and they open the wok containing the clue (he sings a majestic and hearty "doo dee doo," which is also funny). In this particular shot, the visor looks like it could easily be a full-fledged baseball cap with a plant growing out of the top of it. It's a very, very unfortunate angle. The clue tells them to go to the south gate at the Temple of Heaven at Tiantan Park. "Temple of HeavenI know I have this written down," Rob says, checking his notes as they walk out. "Written down"? My goodness. The boy takes notes.

Danza, in the cab, heading for the park.

As they get into the cab, Brennan says, "Let's boogie." Okay, in two weeks, that's two "let's boogie"s and one "let's rock." If they say "let's party" week, I'm quitting them for good. Once they're in the cab, here's Brennan, still recovering from all the greasy-food-eating: "Do I have crap on my face?" Rob, thoughtfully: "Uhhh, just that stupid goatee." Bwah! That's my Line Of The Week. Also, amen. The goatee is bad. To his credit, Brennan laughs heartily at this. (He's lucky Rob didn't go after his experimental sideburns, too, actually.) Now you can believe they "call each other 'dumb-ass' quite a lot," as I was told, can't you?

Danza lands on the mat. Welcome, Team Danza, you are team number one. They grin and drink tea.

Esquire. Mat. Welcome, Team Esquire, you are team number two. They grin and drink tea. Rob explains in an interview, "Frank and Margarita and the two of us are kind of front-running right nowthe third team is a wild card. Joe and Bill are scrambling a little bit right now. I think Drew and Kevin are a little more confident than they are. But tomorrow, one of them's history."

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Beijing. In a Danza interview, Margarita notes that Guido and the Frats are basically the most diametrically opposed teams you could hope to find in the world. (Good and evil are like that.) "What I do know," she astutely observes, "is that both teams will be equally aggressive, equally determined, equally driven." Yep. I'm with that. Here, we see footage of Guidos and Frats arriving in Beijing and getting taxis toward the pavilion where the first route marker is. (I feel obligated to mention also that in this footage, Bill's hair certainly looks barely attached, although it could be a camera trick. Again, I'm wary of drawing any conclusions.) Apparently, they were on the same flights, but the Frats get out of the airport with a very slim lead. Kevin repeats his characterization that this leg is "the brawl for it all," and I almost can't watch. Drew: "If we don't make it before them, we go home. And I'm not ready to go home."

In the Guido cab, Joe is once again speaking to the cabbie in English with a goofy accent. Of all the habits displayed on this trip, I find that the strangest. "Jingshan Park is mountain?" he weirdly says, gesturing. Whatever, Discount Joe.

Frats arrive at the park and start up the steps. They read the clue, and decide that they don't play ping-pong nearly well enough to score five points against a local champion. "They'll squash us," Kevin says. They're heading down the mountain to do the transport "rally." When they get down there, their driver isn't completely sure where the bus can be found. Uh-oh.

Guidos, running up the steps. They can't play ping-pong either. "I'm terrible at it," Joe says, in what I think is the first display of humility they've shown in eleven episodes. They're on their way back down.

Frats find the bus, and they're off. The Guidos get what seems to be the bus, and they're off as well. (Sing it with me! "Guidos on the bus go round and round, aaaalllll throooooough the tooooooown!") Frats de-bus and find their way to the motorcycle. They put helmets on and climb aboard. They're off. Drew, riding behind the driver, looks down at Kevin, riding in the little sidecar. "You look like an idiot!" he calls with a grin. "You look like such an idiot!" Kevin starts singing the Batman theme: "Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na" And then he says either "Batman!" which is what I originally thought he said, or "Fatman!" which it sounds like when I listen to it now. They're tense, but they're laughing, big-time. And I like that. I also like this excellent shot of the charming smile of Kevin, Stealth Heartthrob.

Motorcycle riding. It seems to take a while, because it's getting dark. "Ooooh! Owww! I think my left testicle is just rolling around the streets of Beijing," Drew says. Hee! Now Bill and Joe get strapped into their motorcycle. The helmets, of course, look perfect on them, because they match. Furthermore, Joe has his helmet on at a jaunty angle, which I find hysterically funny. "You doing okay, honey?" Bill asks Joe. "This is a make-it-or-break-it day for us," Joe snots back. Aaargh. They're riding with Bill's hand on Joe's shoulder, which is cute. Evil, but cute. (Don't ask me what "evil, but cute" means. It baffles me, too.)