To The Physical and Mental Limit

Previously on I Find Reality, Reality Always Wins: The Frats, Esquire, Danza, Momily, and Guido were the five teams standing as the race bailed out of India. As the action moved to Thailand, Momily and Guido went for the Fast Forward, and the luck of the evil prevailed again, staking the Guidos to a lead they promptly frittered away by drinking iced tea in a cheap hotel in air-conditioned splendor while everybody else worked their asses off to get to Krabi. Unfortunately, the "working your ass off" part wore out the tired Momily who, having been a little psyched out, underestimated the Guidos' arrogance (it's certainly impossible to overestimate it), figured they had no chance at recovering, and gave up on the Detour, earning themselves a twenty-four-hour penalty that ultimately booted them and saved the shapely fannies of Team Guido. America frowned and swore. In other news, Esquire managed a first-place finish, Kevin and Drew slipped when they spent too long looking for a car, and Frank and Margarita fell in love all over again. In fact, CBS employees went door-to-door to the homes of every American, demanding proof that someone in every family has duly noted that Frank and Margarita have fallen in love all over again, and that every family has shared a warm smile amongst themselves about how unbelievably adorable those two are, with the trust and the friendship and the return to the Era of Good Feelings. Please, when they come to your house, tell them you get it. (That's if you don't just choose to tell them to get out. Now.)

Credits. Music from the upcoming gardening training film, The Tulip That Roared.

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We do not begin this week with the usual drunken careening cameramen, but instead with a series of relatively calm quick cuts. Finally, we settle on Phil "Don't Call Me Crocodile Hunter" Keoghan, walking up a set of ornate outdoor stone steps as he reminds us that long ago and far away, there were eleven teams, and now there are only four. Indeed, let us all pause to remember the dearly departed teams. Please bow your heads. We miss you, Momily. We hope you've stopped yelling, Team Kenny. We were just starting to understand you, Team Cockroach. It hasn't been the same since you left, Team Ensure. Sorry about the pendulums, Team Working Moms. Hope the French lessons are going well, Dark Hair and Light Hair. Matt and Ana, we hardly knew ye. But frankly, your absence makes the show a lot easier to follow. Phil goes on to explain that the remaining teams are waiting at Krabi's Tiger Cave Temple. (Incidentally, this temple is one of my favorite locations so far -- it's holy, but it also looks a little like the Playboy mansion, what with the lush pillows on the floor and everything.) Phil further tells us that the reason they're at the temple is that they arrived there at the end of the last leg. I'm so glad he told me that, because I was wondering what in the heck these people are doing in Thailand. Interestingly, Phil omits the usual yakkety-yak about how the teams have to find route markers, blah blah blah, clues in sealed envelopes, blah blah blah, Mysterious Soft Hands of Exposition Man, et cetera. Maybe van Munster believes that now, after ten episodes, we've caught on to the routine. He must have received my Big-Brick-O-Gram to that effect, which I had delivered directly to his desk through his ceiling.

10:12 AM. Esquire, currently in first place, kneels on the mat to get the clue for today's leg. Rob has an extremely unfortunate hair situation going on, with two dweeby little spit-curl-looking things hanging down his forehead like horns. The spit curls want to be like Superman, but they're not getting the job done. Ick. Esquire opens the clue, which tells them to "check in with the King" at Raile Beach. Demonstrating a weirdly synchronized-swimming-ish level of perfect unison, they pop up onto their sock-wearing feet and head out. Phil explains that "the King" is a company called King Climbers, and that the teams will have to take a taxi and a boat to get there. (Ah, here are the drunken careening cameramen.) As Esquire leaves the temple, Rob voices over that this is a "management leg" for them, and that their intent is to "avoid a major mishap." Cut to the actual footage of this interview and...eek. Rob's all shirtless and slick and wet like a dolphin, and -- oh, for God's sake, he's got the damn sunglasses perched up there on his head again. I do not get the glasses-perching. What are you, Rob, a soccer mom? Eeew. Anyway, he says he doesn't care if they "bleed a little time" on this leg, as long as they stay out in the lead pack. He says they need to "be careful with [their] decisions and really think things out." No kidding. I would have started with the hair and the glasses, but that's just me.

Rob and Brennan get into a "taxi" that's really more of a modified motorcycle with a canopy and an attached passenger compartment. Not a particularly powerful vehicle, considering that it looks like it would have its hands full in a fistfight with a twelve-year-old girl's Hello Kitty bicycle. Once they get going, Brennan goes, "Yee-ha," which is really stupid, but made me laugh. No, I don't know why, either. Back in the Flipper interview, in which he is now joined by Brennan (complete with the accursed visor), Rob explains that the race is getting really tough now, and that they're "getting down to it," and that it's just the "horse teams" that are left. "The horse teams"? Is that what he said? I'm totally confused. I think it means that the best and most hardworking teams are the ones left now, and I think that's probably right. But I don't know what the heck horses have to do with anything. Maybe he means workhorses. Or show ponies. Or maybe he meant to say "bears." I give up. He explains that sometimes he feels "beat" and "demoralized." Quite a tragic tale from Mister First-Place, isn't it? Take a moment to weep. B-O-O H-O-O.

Once again, Team Esquire has taxi mechanical problems, and their Putt-Putt-Mobile poops out by the side of the road. (The Un-Tipped New York Cabbie sits somewhere and laughs his ass off.) As they wait for the repair to be completed, we see Rob's new non-Muppet sunglasses. They're super-highly-reflective. In fact, I think I can see myself in them. He's "ay yi yi"-ing already about the delay, so Brennan tries to get him to relax: "Calm down, come on, it's only the beginning of the leg." "I'm always tense at the beginning of the leg, that's the way I operate. You know that, it's no big deal," Rob says. He throws an arm around Brennan and says, "I would just rather be three minutes down the road." Puuuuuuuutt-putt-putt...they're on their way.

11:06 AM. Frank and Margarita open the clue. Once they're in their cab, she starts to talk about what the clue says. "Don't talk, don't talk!" Frank cautions her. "The Guidos could be, like, sitting under the car." Heh. My mind enjoys an image of Bill clinging to the undercarriage of the car, overhearing crucial information and going, "Yessss!" Cut to a shot of Bill and Joe, randomly standing around and not at all under the car. Eh, it was still funny. Danza notes that the Guidos can't leave the monastery until 6:30 PM, and that the King only operates until 5:30. "They can't go anywhere tonight," Margarita says happily. You know, Bill's and Joe's plan always to be in the lead as long as the other teams are heavily focused on how much they hate them isn't, right at this moment, working out so well. Powerful dislike of Bill and Joe and beating Bill and Joe don't seem to be mutually exclusive.

Speaking of Guido arrogance, we now get a Joe interview in which he (wearing that stupid floppy "Team Guido" safari fishing hat that makes the Hating-Hats look like strokes of fashion brilliance worthy of the cover of, well, Esquire) explains that he and Bill aren't leaving until a lot later than the other teams. This is the Day Of Looking Terrible In Your Interview, because Joe looks kinda weird, too. I mean, he looks like himself, but his eyes look strange and wiggy, like he's had forty cups of coffee, a gallon of Jolt, three No-Doz pills, and an electric shock directly to the brain. He admits that Team Guido has "made some flaws" [sic] but that they're "not fatal flaws." He's sure they can still win. I'm sure you're shocked, as am I. What happened to the Guidos' humility? Ohhh, that's right. They had it surgically removed, and they have it in a jar back at the house. (It's a baby food jar. It wasn't all that big in the first place.) Guido the dog is looking after it while they're gone.

Danza has gotten itself a ride in a real car, so Frank and Margarita seem to be going a lot faster than Esquire in the Putt-Putt-Mobile. In fact, the Putt-Putt-Mobile has now stopped to get gas. "Ah, the delays of local travel," Rob says, irritated by the Transportation Curse. "Five hundred miles to the gallon," Brennan gripes, "but of course he needs gas now." Somewhere, Un-Tipped New York Cabbie lights another candle and continues chanting over a potion of goat's milk and crushed spiders. When the driver returns and revs the Putt-Putt-Mobile (to the degree that it can be revved -- it sounds pretty weenie, like a seventh-grader blowing his nose), Rob is enthusiastic. "Yeah, rr-rrrr, Raile Beach," he says encouragingly. Whatever.

Danza speeds along. Esquire putt-putts. Danza speeding. Esquire putt-putting. Do you get it yet? Please say yes, because otherwise, we could be here for a while.

Esquire arrives at the place where they grab the Raile Beach boat. On the boat, Rob explains that they don't really care where Frank and Margarita are at this point, and that the more interesting question is whether Drew and Kevin will make it by the time the King closes for the day. Interestingly, I originally wrote "Rob hopes Drew and Kevin make it before the King closes for the day," but...Rob doesn't actually say that. Meanwhile, Frank gets to the Raile Beach boat, and although he tries to haggle, Margarita points out that the price is posted on a sign, so he relents and pays up. Now Frank and Margarita have another of their Adorable Scenes of Lurve, in which she splashes him with water and they smooch. He also says, "Don't ever say I never took you anywhere." Snort.

Esquire approaches the big gigantic rock formation, and Rob, firing on all cylinders, deduces that they're going rock-climbing. They de-boat and find their way to the yellow-and-white flag at King Climbers. Phil explains the process -- first you stop and get outfitted with your rock-climbing stuff. Then, you hike half a mile (as Phil says, "through thick tropical jungle"). At the end of the hike, you find the clue. As Esquire finishes suiting up, Rob says, "Let's rock." Can I just say how much I dislike "Let's rock"? Can we ban that expression? Can we just agree that expression has outlived its usefulness? It's just so very, very Hair Band. Furthermore, in this case, it's sort of an unintentional pun, and if there's anything worse than "let's rock," it's a pun, and if there's anything worse than a pun, it's an unintentional pun, so...let's just move along. Anyway, as they walk, Brennan explains to Rob, "I've done the indoor rock-climbing gyms a couple times, and outdoor like, once or twice, and that's all." Rob: "Then I'm following you up the hill." Hee. When they actually see the gigantic looming rocks involved in this task, Rob says, "Piece of cake." The Nervous Laugh of Wondering What You Would Look Like As A Splatmark On The Beach follows.

Frank and Margarita land on the beach. They get directions to the King. When they get there, Frank is happy about the rock-climbing. He says -- and I am quoting directly here: "Waaaaaaaa-chaaaaaa." No, honest. Footage of Frank and Margarita getting started on the hike is intercut with footage of Esquire doing the hike. Margarita mentions that having done the bungee jump in the first episode made her much braver, though she adds that she's now the only woman among a bunch of guys she says are faster and stronger than she is. Interestingly, of all the stuff they've done, I think this is the first episode where physical strength was really a big factor -- with the rock-climbing, for instance. ["Although I understand that women tend to be better at rock-climbing than men, since it requires more lower-body strength, whereas men tend to have more upper-body strength." -- Wing Chun]

At the top of the hike, Sweaty Rob removes the Detour clue from the basket. It tells them that they can either rock-climb up to a particular little cave, or take a long and winding hike there. "I say we came here to climb," Rob says. "Of course," Brennan agrees. "Let's climb." And their reputation as Most Non-Dilly-Dallying Decisionmakers Ever remains intact. Ruthless! Efficiency! Must! Go! Forward! Esquire climbs the rock. It doesn't look like it's horribly difficult for them, actually. I guess being a gym rat pays off every now and then. It's a shame this race doesn't feature competitive protein-shake-drinking, isn't it? They would totally kick butt.

Danza, on the hike. "Make sure the pack is tight on you," Frank says. "You can do it," he singsongs. "I'm fine, kid," Margarita answers, turning the "kid" we've usually heard from him back in his direction.

More Esquire climbing, looking steely indeed, with Rob supplementing his climbing with a hefty grunt.

More Danza hiking. Frank says Margarita is doing a "good job."

Esquire pulls the clue at the top of the climb, which tells them to go to a place called "Sea, Land & Trek" in Bor Tor, Ao Luk. No, really. Don't you wish that was the name of your town? Bor Tor, Ao Luk? That's just cool. It would be worth it just so you could wait for a telemarketer to call you, and you could pretend to order something, and then when they asked you your address, you'd say, "Bor Tor, Ao Luk." Then they'd ask how you spell that, and you'd say, "Just how it sounds." Then you'd hang up and laugh. Anyway, Phil explains that now the teams have to get back down the cliff, then hike back the way they hiked up, then rappel down another set of rocks into a boat that will take them back to Raile Beach, and then they have to get to Ao Luk, where "Sea, Land & Trek" is, it turns out, a boat-rental company. Oh -- and it closes at 5:00 PM.

Danza gets to the bottom of the rock-climb as Esquire works its way down. During his descent, I'd like to point out that Rob says, "Holy cow." Awww, he is so the reality show contestant your mom thinks you should date. ["Really, you think? Not, say, creepy, creepy, overly tattooed glossy-, glassy-eyed speed freak-looking Lex from Survivor? Are you sure?" -- Wing Chun] Right now, Big Brother Krista's relatives are all, "Why did she have to get stuck in that house with that strange rapping boy? Why couldn't she meet a nice lawyer?" Once the boys get down to where Danza is waiting, they give us a moment I think the editors included in order to continue to boost the blossoming warm and fuzzy reputation of the Frank Formerly Known as Loud and Pushy. Are you ready? Are you ready to see what a wonderful guy Frank is? Here we go: Brennan asks Frank to toss him a helmet, and Frank does. Wow, that's very humanitarian of you, Very Humanitarian Frank! Danza considers the Detour options, and Frank pushes for the direct climb, telling Margarita it's going to be just fine. They do this for a little while -- him pushing, her slightly nervous and slightly dawdling. Most notably, as he continues to needle her, she finally says, "Honey, stop it. Give me a second." And he stops. And he gives her a second. My goodness, the man can be taught. It's a miracle. he'll be sending flowers.

Danza works on the climb. Esquire, meanwhile, is not enjoying the hike back down through the jungle.

Esquire's efforts to rappel down into the boat go astray when Rob flings himself into the rocks. "Ow! Ow!" he says. Brennan, chuckling from below: "Come on, you girl!" More Brennan laughter as Rob dangles from the rope. "Wuss," he declares. Hee hee. Of course, officially, my reaction is, "AHEM, young man, please do not use 'girl' as a stand-in for 'wimp.'" But, you know, unofficially? Hee hee. It's all in the delivery, which you cannot appreciate unless you saw it. Once Rob actually makes it down, though, he does have to get his finger checked out, because he's managed to mash his knuckle against a rock, and it's a bit bloodied. He also fears it's broken, given "how it's swelling up." They give us a close-up of the victimized knuckle, but he kinda has those giant St. Bernard puppy paws anyway, so it's hard to tell whether it's really swollen. I'm sure it hurts, though. "That's not good," Brennan comments, having fulfilled his funny-dialogue quota for today and thus vanishing into Rain Man obscurity once again.

Margarita's climb hits a snag when Frank struggles with where Butt-Kicking Encouragement Frank ends and Loud Pushy Frank begins. He's getting better at this balance, but he's not quite there yet. Among other things, Margarita is pushing herself very hard physically, as you can tell from her seriously quivery legs, and she needs to finish this climb so she can get down. "Take a few deep breaths," he tells her. "It's just like climbing trees when you were a kid." Margarita, good-naturedly: "I never climbed trees when I was a kid!" Frank, having an Episode One moment: "Come on, don't be a sissy. Let's go." She gets going again, but he keeps it up, until her mood shifts, she loses her patience a bit, and she says, "Frank, stop yelling at me! I can't." It's not clear exactly what she's saying she "can't" do, because she looks like she's almost done, but it's clear that she's ready for him to give it a rest. This is in spite of the fact that I don't think she minds a certain amount of the blustery "come on, you know you can do it, so stop freaking out and do it" attitude. In fact, she probably counts on at least some of that.

Commercials. Nattily dressed butlers want you to buy a Rubbermaid stepstool. And you know you can't resist nattily dressed butlers.

Margarita, still trying to climb. Frank, still trying to find that balance. Margarita eventually makes it to the top. They're reunited in the little cave at the end of the climb, and they low-five. That was hard for her, and he tells her to "be very proud of [her]self." Aww, good choice, Supportive Encouraging Frank. She "can't believe [she] just did that." They look at the "Sea, Land & Trek" clue.

In the Esquire boat, Rob is looking at his boo-boo.

Danza climbs down the rocks, and as Margarita gets to the bottom, Frank yells, "Margarita! All RIIIIIGHT! All RIIIIIGHT!" in a way I find completely endearing. Yeah, he's still kinda loud and pushy, but somehow it just doesn't seem as bad as it used to. Never let it be said I cannot change my mind, given the right motivation to do so. They do the hike down, which appears to be almost as annoying (for different reasons) as the hike up. Then, they rappel into the boat, where they're absolutely giddy. Awww. I admit to smiling. How did this happen?

Esquire, at Raile Beach. They inquire about how to get to Ao Luk, where they have to go to look for the Sea, Land & Trek (S/L/T) boat-rental place. Rob notes that it's "another boat ride, dude." (He's also chomping his gum, so...maybe the finger is still bugging him.) Apparently, as Brennan the Talking Boy explains, the boat ride is the first step, and then they'll have to get a taxi the rest of the way to Ao Luk. He also explains that Frank and Margarita are very close behind them, but they don't really care much at all about that, because as long as these two teams stay far ahead of the Frats and Guidos, it doesn't really matter where they are in relation to each other. Brennan, incidentally, needs a shave. (Rob? Not so much. It's probably because, you know, he's a girl.)

Danza, Raile Beach. They get the same scoop Esquire just got. Boat, car, Ao Luk.

Esquire, Ao Nang. This is the aforementioned out-of-the-boat, into-a-car switchpoint on the way to Ao Luk. The boys are now very dirty. I think that's all that's been missing from this show up until now, actually -- not enough dirt. While they sit and wait for their cab, Brennan tapes up Rob's injured knuckle. Rob voices over that "injuries are part of any competition," and that he's just going to "suck it up." In other words, neither rain, nor snow, nor his injured knuckle is going to keep him from his appointed rounds. (Somewhere, Miss LizzieKath's busted rib says, "Word.") He finishes the taping himself when Brennan has to go run for the cab. "I don't want a stupid finger to lose a taxi," Rob says. Strangely enough, after some of the really weird vehicles they've been in lately, this "cab" looks like a maroon Ford Taurus or something. (Please don't write and tell me it's not literally a Ford Taurus. I am not saying it's a Ford Taurus. I'm saying it's a non-specific smallish family sedan, and I don't know anything about cars.) Once they get going in the cab, Dirty Dirty Esquire has trouble finding out exactly what this S/L/T thing is. They stop and ask a couple of times, with Brennan appearing to do most of the work because of Rob's debilitating injury.

Meanwhile, a seriously pumped Team Danza gets into their cab at Ao Nang. They share some lovey-dovey slapstick humor as she gets hamstrung and knocked down by the weight of her pack. "Nice!" yells Funny Flirty Frank. "C'mon, c'mon, niiiiice!"

The Frat Rock-Climbing Sequence. I'd say, in summing up this scene, that it's safe to say that these guys are, for the first time, paying a price for not being quite as physically powerful as some of the teams they're competing against. They have tremendous perseverance, though, and they keep going. "Hang in there, brother, hang in there," Kevin advises at one point. Eventually, Drew makes it up to the top, and offers Kevin his foot to grab onto. "What if the shoe comes off?" Kevin asks. "The shoe ain't comin' off, I'm good," Drew assures him. They complete the climb, and that's pure New York grit, is what that is. As Drew says, "Pretty tough for a guy who's never climbed up anything except a fire escape, maybe." They pull the clue, and notice that "Sea, Land & Trek" closes at 5:00. They're taking off as fast as they can, just to see whether they can make it. They have fifteen minutes.

Sweaty Dirty Esquire arrives at Ao Nang, needing transportation to Chicken Island. In the boat, we get a lovely shot of Rob getting his David Hasselhoff on, with the slick hair and the shades and the blue water. Danza reaches Ao Nang as well.

Back at the cave, the Frats are figuring out that they've only got fifteen minutes before S/L/T closes, and they've got to get all the way back down the mountain first. They're told that they have to go by boat as well as on wheels, and that ought to pretty much seal it off. At the bottom, Drew sadly tells Kevin that S/L/T is two hours away.

Commercials. You know, cell phones really can dance, if you've had enough to drink.

Frats, rappelling into the boat. For whatever reason, Drew says, "Tigers, and lions, and bears -- and mountains!" He doesn't add, "Oh, my!" which is sort of a shame. He racks himself on the mountain as well, which seems to be the order of the day.

Esquire, finding Chicken Island and the flag bobbing in the water nearby. Danza, heading for the Chicken. Shirtless Dirty Sweaty Esquire jumps into the water in their snorkel stuff. Brennan dives for the bottom and finds the clue, and they clamber back up into the boat. Shirtless Soaking Wet And Quite Frankly Disturbingly Ripped Esquire reads it. up is the pit stop at Pai Plong Beach.

The Frats return to Raile Beach and consider their move. Kevin, in an interview, says that they've gotten hosed with the operating hours, and in a sense, I see his point, but in another sense, they're in the position they're in because of what happened on the leg. Who does and doesn't get hosed by the operating hours isn't a coincidence, so while I'm sympathetic, I'm not entirely sympathetic. He goes on to say that there's nothing they can do about it, and I'm certainly with him on that. On the beach, he tells Drew he's bleeding, and Drew gives him the "oh, boo hoo, quit your bitching" thing that's basically been the Frat theme of the last two episodes.

Danza, heading for the Chicken. They meet Esquire coming the other way. Shirtless Posing Rob, now getting his Superman-era-Chris-Reeve on, waves jauntily. Now that they've waved jauntily, the Esquire transportation-luck kicks in, and their boat engine stalls. Of course it does. Turns out that Un-Tipped New York Cabbie has connections in the seafaring industry as well. "This is the day of disasters," Rob says. Brennan points out that Frank and Margarita are right on their heels, and that if Esquire sits very long in the stalled boat, Danza will pass them. Speaking of which, Frank is on his way back to the boat with the clue. Back on their boat, Esquire is grinning while good-naturedly lamenting its fate. "I'll give it a swift kick, if it'll help," Rob offers. You know, these boys really are cursed with the transportation.

Danza reads the clue and heads for Pai Plong Beach.

The Esquire boat finally kicks in, and they take off with a mighty cheer. It sounds a lot like "Hyaaah, mule," from their famous encounter with Ernie the Elephant. (Who, by the way, is very hurt that he was trounced in the "favorite animal guest star" poll by Shecky the Comedy Camel.) Danza and Esquire (now re-shirted) head for the beach. The boys arrive first, and run up the sand to the mat. Welcome, Team Esquire, you are team #1. And good for them, holding their lead. They look really, really happy.

And here comes Danza, right behind them. They jump on the mat. Welcome, Team Danza, you are team #2. "We had a wonderful day!" yells Excitable Cute Frank as he high-fives his wife. He literally jumps for joy, yelling, "I love this! What a day!" He shares a good, solid high-five with Rob and Brennan, as does Margarita. Back at the dolphin interview from early in the episode, Brennan explains that Esquire and Danza know they've got a big lead on Kevin and Drew as well as Bill and Joe, so they need to hang in and not screw up, and they should be okay.

In other news, my favorite imaginary storyline -- The Secret Love of Margarita and Rob -- gets a big shout-out as they share a big hug. It's really, really interesting -- back at the EDG bust-up, I would have said it was very unlikely that these teams would ever be friendly again, but if I had to put money on it, I'd say a couple of things have happened. First, these two teams have noticed themselves being probably the two teams in the race that have performed the most consistently, especially lately. There seems to be some respect that's grown out of that. Second, they have a common enemy, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Third, they're both competitive as hell, and they can muster respect for anybody else who's competitive as hell.

Margarita voices over that the race has offered opportunities for her to push herself to do things she wouldn't otherwise do, and I'm all for that. "I climbed a mountain," she tells Esquire as she raises her arms in triumph on the way to frolic in the waves. Meanwhile, Brennan looks at his watch. "Joe and Bill leave right now," he says with a hearty laugh. Rob laughs back. They call out to Frank and Margarita. Brennan: "Hey, guys! Bert and Ernie are just leaving the last pit stop!" (Rob refers to them as "Siegfried and Roy," but the idea is the same.) And there is much rejoicing. Hee.

I have to say, I really, really enjoyed this whole ending sequence with these two teams. They're both incredibly tough, but they're not jerks, and they're deservedly jubilant. And I liked that.

Speaking of Bert and Ernie, here they are, just leaving the last pit stop. When they see that the operating hours for the King ended at 5:00, they think they'll go check it out, and then come back and sleep at the temple. Incidentally, Bill's hair looks kinda funny today (more than usual). I'd make some kind of "he didn't get it stapled on straight" joke, except that he's one of those guys where I'm not sure if his hair is fake, or whether it's just so bad it looks fake, but can't actually be fake, because if you bought your hair, you'd buy hair better than that. Know what I mean? He has funny hair, is all I can tell you for sure, and today, it's especially funny. They investigate Raile Beach, and are told they'll have to take a boat. This seems to motivate them to reconsider. After last week's fiasco, they're perhaps thinking that they should get where they're going as soon as possible and do their resting once they're as far along as they can get. They agree that they'll head out so that they can be on the beach at 8:00 AM when the King opens. This discussion about not "taking chances" is the first indication that the FFFiasco of last week has actually had an effect on the Guido attitude that has been so intolerable for so long. They seem to have been knocked out of the dreamy delusional stupor in which they considered themselves to be inherently superior to all the other teams. Coming so close to getting their asses eliminated, it appears, has led them to believe that they may actually have to work in order to stay in the game, let alone win. Like most people, they are flattered by a splash of humility.

The Frats get on the way to S/L/T, just as a storm moves in. The Guidos gamely brave the rain, looking for the King. They arrive at Raile Beach and de-boat. They talk to the same woman who just told the Frats how to get the cab. "Have you seen any people like us walking around?" they ask her. "Yes, yes," she says. She tells Guido that the people she saw did the climbing already. "The people that you talked to, were they two bald guys?" Joe asks. She says, "Yes, one small, one tall," and the Guidos smile. They thank her.

On the boat to Ao Nang, the Frats are enjoying a beverage. "This is...this is paradise," Drew says. Kevin holds up his drink. "Gimme a little...gimme a little love," he says, and they clink bottlenecks. They now have a sobering conversation about the lead that Esquire and Danza probably have. They're pretty sure Rob and Brennan beat closing time at S/L/T, but they're hoping maybe Frank and Margarita didn't. Once they clear the boat, they stand on what looks like a little bridge, chatting as the storm continues in the distance (thought it's not raining on them, quite). "We'd better make sure this place we're gonna stay tonight at Ao Luk," Kevin says, "has a roof on it." Drew says something about how "everybody laughs at stupid Americans." Kevin: "Actually, I think they just still keep laughing at you." Heh. Numerous foot-cleaning shots seem to be designed to make us notice that this day was hard on the feet, what with the rock-climbing and everything. "Me, I fit right in," Kevin says. "I melt right into the culture." "Yeah, yeah, you melt," Drew volleys. "I seen the way you melted right into that ocean." Pfft. They're funny.

The Guidos get to the flag at the King. Having scoped it out, they then go and find the cheapest hotel they can. You know, one of my wishes for the round of this show is that the money be made a little tighter, because I don't think the teams (like Esquire and Danza) that have been substantially more willing to sleep outside have reaped nearly enough benefit from it. I'd rather they really made them live on the cheap, because I think it'd be more interesting.

The Frats get to S/L/T. They reach in to check the envelopes. There are only two. "They both made it," Drew notes sadly. We get very nice shots of Esquire and Danza relaxing by a fire. Drew notes that, due to this string of events with operating hours, they're now fifteen or seventeen hours behind. "We lost an additional eight or nine hours," he says. "They both made it," Kevin repeats.

Commercials. Watch Garth Brooks. Everybody who really loves America is doing it.

8:00 AM, Kevin and Drew at S/L/T. They read the kayak clue, and Kevin takes it. Meanwhile at the King, Team Guido -- in yet another set of matching shirts, these with American flags on them -- get their climbing gear on. "We're here for a reason," Joe motivational-speakers, "and we will complete this and win it in our own special way. We can't get depressed just because we're behind everybody now." Yep. Call that The Legacy of Momily. Furthermore, "our own special way"? Ugh. The Guidos should just start their own religion, because that's the only way they're going to get the recognition for their pure, unadulterated specialness that they're convinced they deserve. "Holy God," Joe says as they approach the big rocks. (See? They're thinking about starting their own religion as we speak.) They explain that their strategy is to focus on the team in front of them: Kevin and Drew.

Speaking of the Frats, they're bickering again, and again, it seems a little prickly. They're getting into the kayak, and they're frankly not really sure what they're doing. "Stop making a fuckin' production, get in the boat," Drew snipes. "Sit your fat ass down," Kevin says. Drew: "If this thing tips..." Kevin tells him to shut up.

Guidos hiking up the mountain. I've said it before, and I'll say it again -- these guys are pretty dang fit for fifty. In fact, Joe tells us he's fifty-one. Hmm. At the top, they check out the Detour and pick the Climb. (As did everybody else.) "It's no problem at all," says an obviously concerned Bill. "We're in the mountains all the time skiing." Huh? Skiing? What does that have to do with anything? Skiing is down. Rock-climbing is up. I don't think it's time spent in the mountains that's terribly relevant here, but I suppose this is the Guidos' usual self-motivating superior dance being choreographed yet again. They begin the climb.

The Frats are still struggling in the kayak. Drew points out that between the two of them, they weigh over four hundred pounds, so Kevin has quite a task with the paddling.

At the climb, Bill runs into trouble. "I don't think I can do this," Bill says plainly. "I thought there was going to be more assistance." Excuse me? "Assistance"? Like people to wait on you? What is he talking about? You climb the rock, dude; it's not a faked-up stunt. Joe doesn't quite want to give up. He gently says, "Honey, would you try and let me go first?" Awwwwwwww. "Honey." Hee. I'm telling you, if they'd given me more Relationshippy Guidos, I think I would have liked them a lot more. Bill is willing to let Joe try, but really thinks he doesn't have the physical strength to do it. In an interview, over footage of himself clambering past Bill, Joe says their strength is that they're so "complementary" because they know each other's strengths and weaknesses, and frankly, as much as I can't stand these guys most of the time, I'll give them this point without question. Joe manages to get up the rocks; he then turns and gets Bill up there, too. He explains that "seeing your partner actually do something and achieve something that you know is very difficult for him...just makes your heart burst." Well -- awww, sort of, but on the other hand, eeew. Bursting hearts? POW! Kinda hard on the aorta. Nevertheless, this is undoubtedly the Guido highlight of the entire race so far. Not being ahead is very, very good for them. They high-five and read the S/L/T clue.

Frat kayak. Bicker, bicker, bicker. Kevin: "I'm gonna hit you in the back of the head with this paddle." Drew: "Why can't you keep the kayak straight?" Kevin: "Because you're fat, and it's a lot to steer." Drew pronounces them "capsized" when he means "run aground." Mental fatigue continues to rear its ugly head as they try to get going in the right direction.

The Guidos work on getting back down the mountain. Bill points out that he's afraid of heights. Awww, Guido vulnerability.

Frats make it to the cave, while the Guidos rappel down into the boat. As soon as Kevin and Drew read the Chicken Island clue, the theme of Making Exactly The Joke I Would Make returns as they start clucking. Of course they do. Clucking is the only thing to do when you read a clue that says "Chicken Island." The only thing as good would have been the chicken dance, which I also love. In fact, in retrospect, I'm unhappy with all the other teams who failed to cluck. Drew and Kevin kayak back in the direction of S/L/T.

Guidos, in their boat, congratulate themselves. "For two old farts? I'm impressed with us," Joe says. You know, this was cute, but I still can't get over how much time these guys appear to spend talking about how wonderful they are. Seriously, enough already.

Frats, getting the Chicken Island boat. Guidos, at S/L/T. A very funny moment takes place at S/L/T, when Bill reads the clue about "upper-body strength," and immediately laughs, handing the clue to Joe, who says, "I'll do it." It appears to be well-known that Joe is the arms behind the operation, and I'll admit to having found that kind of endearing. Indeed, they kick ass in the kayak. Joe is whomping the river's butt.

Frats, trying to find the flag near the Chicken. Guidos, paddling like crazy. ("Paddle, Joey, paddle!") The only drawback? Those hideous, hideous hats. They're like the Hating-Hats, only floppier. And dumber.

Guido in the cave. They find the clue and the snorkels.

Back on the Frat-boat, they find the flag, but Kevin would rather try to reach the clue from the boat, rather than going in the water. (Uh, Kevin? Not.) Drew's going in, though, and he goes right over the side, opening-credits-style. He claims to have been bit by something underwater, and he doesn't have an easy time finding the clue.

Guidos, kayaking.

Drew tells Kevin that he needs him to get in the water, and clearly Kevin doesn't want to. Nevertheless, over the side he goes, seemingly just as Drew successfully finds the clue. As Kevin heads back to the boat, we see why perhaps Kevin didn't want to go in the water. Kevin? Is not so much a swimmer. Back in the boat, they open the soggy clue and head for Pai Plong Beach.

Guidos try to haggle the fare on the Chicken Island boat. When the haggling fails, they suck it up. It's hard to tell what the money situation is, but I think they're still a little short.

Frats, arriving at the pit stop. Welcome, Team Shower-Fresh Scent, you are team #3.

Guidos snorkel. They find the clue. I also have to point out that Shirtless Guidos look pretty respectable for fifty, as well. They get to the mat and meet Phil. He tells them that they're last, but of course, it's non-elimination, so they're still in it. Make that two weeks in a row that the Guidos have come in last and not been eliminated. Luck. Of. The. Evil. Phil tells them that they've "made up some time," which...well, it's true, I think, technically, in that they've made up time on Kevin and Drew. They've certainly not made up any time on the leaders.

As a matter of fact, on the topic of timing, this should make for an interesting situation, because here's the way I see it. If the editing wasn't completely misleading, Esquire and Danza got to the pit stop somewhere around 6:30 at night on Day One. Their twelve hours at the pit stop lets them leave at 6:30 in the morning on Day Two. Meanwhile, the Guidos and the Frats carried out most of this task during the morning of Day Two -- when Esquire and Danza are presumably already out doing the leg. ["That was my impression, too." -- Wing Chun] Without any significant breakdowns, it seemed to take about six to eight hours to do the tasks for this leg (Esquire and Danza started late morning, finished at dinnertime), so I'm doubting that the Frats and Guidos -- both of whom seemed to struggle with the tasks a little bit more than the boys and Frank and Margarita -- can possibly be landing at this pit stop before 2:00 in the afternoon or so. Their twelve hours will get them out of this pit stop somewhere in the middle of the night between Day Two and Day Three, at best, and they may very well have to wait until the morning of Day Three to do whatever Esquire and Danza did at the beginning of the leg on the morning of Day Two. See what I mean? The timing doesn't lend itself to these teams catching up. The timing lends itself more to this lead stretching out to a full day.