Are you ready to say goodbye? To relive five years of memories out of context and edited for maximum nostalgic impact? Let it begin. Oh, hooray, a five-year-long "previously" clip show. Previously, a five-years-younger Ally McBeal climbed up a bookshelf ladder and got her ass grabbed, bonked the ass-grabber on the head with a legal tome, and quit. She then ran into Richard Fish, who "just started" his own firm, and wanted Ally to "join [them] today!" She ran into Billy, her childhood-through-college love, and was devastated (literally, in her mind, shot-through-with-arrows) at the news that he was married. Richard, Ally, and others said, "Bygones." Whatchoo talking 'bout, "bygones"? Fish fingered Ling and murmured, "Chinese wattle." Georgia and Ally yelled, "Ob!Jection!" (The closed captioning actually inserts the exclamation point into the word. Oy.) Billy said, "Bitch," Ally said, "Man." Ling said "bite [her] head off," then Ally hallucinated actually biting the head off someone else. Lots of fists were smacked into palms. Ray and Glenn hit each other in the boxing ring of Ally's imagination. More people got socked. Elaine and Ally stalked the office; Elaine said, "Anything can happen here; [Ally] keep[s] forgetting we don't live in the real world." Ally opened a bathroom-stall door, and Barry Manilow sang, "Eeeeven noooow!" Fish opened the door to John's hole and screamed. Corretta hopped up from a toilet and screamed, too. A few more screams, and then we get Ally's horrible screamy sob from when Billy died. John said, "What balls, move on." Judge Hall said, "Who in the hell is SpongeBob?" A "sex" montage, where many characters said "sex." Ling asked that Richard "do [her] knee." We see a Hitachi Magic Wand, and a naked Elaine on Ally's desk. Men chanted, "Penis." Montage of Ally's relationship disasters: she squirted whipped cream on Larry, JBJ said he's "done." She asked a timid John if he "knows what [he's] doing." He said he did. Ally crashed onto a Christmas tree. More pratfalls. A sword lopped the heads off Jenny and Glenn. Dame Edna said, "Hellew!" Maddie appeared at Ally's door and said she's Ally's daughter. Ally collapsed.
Right now, on Ally McBeal: this is the last episode ever. Yay! Lights up on Ally's Very Very Very Fine House. Maddie's on the couch, thermometer in her mouth. She says, "Serial dater?" That's what Ally just pronounced herself to be; she says she's gone out with "every man in Boston." And none of them worked out, except Larry, and Greg, which worked until Renee "stole him away" from Ally. Well, not "stole", but "they sang a song together." Maddie looks skeptical. So, that's why Renee left! It all makes sense now. Not. Ally checks the thermometer: 100.2. Ally wonders if Maddie has strep throat, since she seems to have a recurring bug. Yeah, we noticed. They go up to bed, Maddie groaning all the way. Ally goes back to the couch to fetch the Motrin, and Maddie continues up the stairs, until she says, "Uh oh," sways, and collapses. Ally screams and pokes at the huddled lump on the floor, then runs away.
Vonda's been doooooown, she's been down, down down....
I'd like to say that all the papers across the country that wasted space to eulogize the cancellation of Ally McBeal are wack. This was a popular show, an award-winning show, but never a good show. It was outrageous and had lots of visual style, but at its heart (and soul), it just wasn't good. Crazy and daffy, yes. Good? No. Plus, it really sucked lately (many critics took space to explain recent plot developments to their readers), and was generally unwatched all season. So, why all the fanfare in the papers? I really don't get it. Fuck all that "quirky" "catchphrase" shit. Ally McBeal was a live-action Cathy cartoon, celebrating insecurities and neuroses, presenting fucked-up ideas about gender, and showing a totally false workplace environment. Not to mention all the very bad fashion. Good riddance. Plus, you could have called me for a quote. XM Satellite Radio were the only ones who called.
Okay, Boston at night, lit-up and lovely. Woo, whee, we fly through the air. The piano pounds with authority. We land back at Ally's house, where Maddie lies on the couch and says how embarrassed she is for passing out. A doctor inspects her; firefighters mills around in the background. Ally called the fire department. Ha ha, how quirky! The doctor says Maddie isn't running a fever. Then why did she faint, asks Ally? The doctor says it could have been a panic attack, or Maddie could be pregnant. Wow, I thought she was ten. That is some hardcore shit. Ally just stares, blank and frozen. Hello? Hell-ooo?
Cage, Fish and McBeal. Staff meeting. Richard has an announcement. Nelle asks if he's changing the name of the firm to Cage, Fish, McBeal and Bump. Close! Richard and Liza are getting married. Or rather, he's "taking Liza for [his] first wife." And Liza takes him for her "very first husband." Elaine says, "What?" Ally stammers out that those two are getting married? Yes. They're getting married. Liza chirps that "after the age of thirty, [a woman] has a better chance of being struck by lightning!" I think that's untrue. Kaboom, sizzle sizzle. Just kidding, she said, smoking gently. They're planning a big wedding in June. This June. What's the rush? asks Ray. They want to be married for their "sexual peak years. And what is love if not a risk?" And if it doesn't work out? "Bygones!" Aww. The happy couple kiss. Ally looks blank again, some more.
Ally sits nervously, facing a guidance counselor. Hey, remember when Maddie first came on the scene and Ally was all aggressive with her, going to school with her and defending her against bullies and milking a cow? Well, now she's relying on the school guidance counselor to find out what's going on in Maddie's world. Sad, yes? That's what happens when you have a quirky single mom who's fucked in the head. The guidance counselor asks if Ally -- who's had a million shrinks -- knows what "relational aggression" is. Bullying, basically. Which "boys do with fists, and girls do with gossip." Then, the doc asks if Ally knows what a three-way is. Ally stammers out that a three-way is when three people...um...engage in..."a phone call," the counselor interrupts. When Maddie was listening in, one girl got another girl to say mean things about her on the phone. So, Maddie had a nervous breakdown. That and the fact that Maddie feels "enormously displaced" because all her friends in New York are far from her, and her dad is "gone." Ally stares.
John follows Richard into his office, sputtering. He's shocked about the whole Richard-getting-married thing. He asks if Richard "even knows this woman." Richard makes a very stupid allegory about how every relationship "is like a cave; you mine it, explore it, you have to be ready to venture into a little darkness." And some caves go back a really long way. John says, "This is insane, this is worthy of Ally!" Because it's all about Ally. John asks why Richard is getting married. Liza walks up and says hi, and John screams like a woman. Liza pinches his cheek and says he's cute. John says point-blank that he has a "problem with this," and asks what Liza's "reasons for getting married are." Instead of smacking him, Liza answers that women shouldn't wait too long to get married, since men will then think there's "something wrong with them." And Fishy-wishy is "so cute!" And, she doesn't want to walk down the aisle: she wants to be suspended from the ceiling: "If you love me, you'll say yes!" Oh, barf. An older man walks in and says hello. It's Reverend Buck, who'll be performing the ceremony. He's like a father to Liza. but not literally. He hugs Richard, then collapses onto a desk, pinning Fish beneath him. Um, what? "Emotions make him go vasovagal." Sorry, what was that? "Vasovagal." You know, all faint-y and collapsible-like. But he snaps right back, after the emotion makes him faint. Hold on; Ally has called a meeting. She can do that, you know. She's a partner now.
Second staff meeting of the day. Ally hasn't shown up, and John gripes about it. Ally finally walks in and says she has an announcement that she wanted everyone to hear. Nelle guesses Ally's "changing hair color." Ally says, "Nothing that important." But she is leaving the firm and resigning her position, effective immediately. Nelle says, "Ha ha." No, really. "Maddie's having emotional problems," so Ally is "taking her to New York so she can be closer to her friends." And her house is "on the market, if anyone's interested. And, that's it!" She marches out. Everyone is dumbfounded. Not me.
More Boston-by-air, whee, whoo. We land in the Uni, where Ally looks at herself in the mirror. She has a flashback, of herself looking into the bathroom mirror and whining to Billy that all she "ever wanted was to be rich...and have a husband waiting at home for [her] to rub [her] feet, and look...[she] doesn't even like [her] hair!" Wow, what a long way she hasn't come, baby. En flashback, Billy hugs her gently as she sobs and snuggles against him. Whizz, zing, we're back in the present. Dame Edna comes out of a stall, and asks if Ally's all right. Ally "mm hmms." Dame Edna says she can see that isn't the case. Because Dame Edna is highly sensitive -- she's Ally's emotional barometer, and therefore is also the emotional barometer of this show. Isn't that utterly pathetic? Elaine stomps into the Uni, and demands to know if that's how Ally really wanted to let out that bit of news, in a staff meeting. Ally asks if she should have called people in one by one. Elaine says Ally could have called her in -- Ally "owes [her] that." Well, Elaine is hurt. But everyone knows Ally doesn't owe anything to anyone. Most head cases don't. Ally is all, "Excuse me," and leaves the Uni. Forever. Dame Edna pats her hair, looking in the mirror. Reverend Buck walks in, is greeted by Dame Edna in her usual fashion ("Hellew!"), and collapses in a heap. Can we say goodbye to the Uni without crying? Goodbye, Uni.
Ally stalks through the office and totally blows off Richard's request for a conversation, hatefully saying, "NOT. NOW!" Elaine is all, "When, then?" Richard follows Ally into her office.
Richard says Ally's being rash. That she should give it some time. Ally yells that she hasn't got any time. That "Maddie is cracking up. She's falling apart! Her emotions are affecting her nervous system, she needs to go back to New York, and [Ally] need[s] [Richard] to accept it." Richard wonders about Ally's career. She points out that there are law firms in New York. And besides, maybe she'll come back. Richard says that her move must be "permanent" -- otherwise, why would she have resigned? He wants Ally at his wedding. She says she'll be back. "In three weeks?" he wonders. So, he "talked it over with Liza," and they'll move the wedding up. To tomorrow night. They'll "do the big church thing later." God, this is ridiculous. I've seen better acts at Circus Circus. Any Vegas lounge act is more pro than this. Ally insists that Fish doesn't have to move the wedding up -- that she'll be back. Richard asks, "What if Maddie's sick?" Ally, with tears on her cheeks for some reason, slowly says, "She's. Not. That. Sick." Richard says he wants Ally at his wedding, and that he and Liza will be "exchanging. Vowwws. Tomorrow." And if possible, Ally can come back for the church thing later. Or, be canceled and never come back ever again. Whichever.
Ally's Very Very Very Fine House. She and Maddie are packing. God, that was fast. Neck-snappingly fast. Judge Judy fast. Vacation-speeding-by fast. Should I savor writing this last Ally recap? No. I'll just get it done as fast as possible. Maddie says, "Tomorrow?" Yes, and Ally will go to the wedding, the reception at The Bar, and be back in time to make the flight to New York. Whatever! Like the details matter. Then, in dance that fucking dancing baby (wearing a Yankees uniform), a dancing Rudy Giuliani, and a dancing Hillary and Bill Clinton, but Bill is wearing an S&M-style bondage suit and Hillary is leading him on a leash. Oh my fucking god. Ooga ooga ooga up-chucka. Vonda sings the theme song underneath the ooga-chuckas. I barf like never before. Now more then ever, I am barfing. Ally tells the Dancing Rudy that "this is not [his] moment" (fuck you, DEK), and tells dancing Hillary that she isn't even from New York. Hillary tosses her head, and Bill giggles. Maddie is all, Ally? Who are you talking to? Ally says it's her "fantasies" -- remember she said she talks to them sometimes? Excuse her. Ally tells the various dancing things that they shouldn't plan on coming with her. The doorbell buzzes, Ally says this is "great," and the dancing whatnots poof into the air.
It's Renee at the door, wearing a white trench coat and not smiling. She says, "True?" Ally says, "True." Bud. Weis. Er. Renee walks around Ally, into the living room. Ally begins a nasty, stammering speech. She doesn't want Renee to "start, too," since "this is hard enough," and besides, they haven't seen much of each other anyway, lately, and maybe this "will force them to spend more time together" (is Renee in New York now, or something?), and they could look on this as "some sort of a reunion." Renee takes all this in without a smile. She looks like she smells a fart. Then she simply says, "Okay." Wow. Some reunion.
More Boston by air, at night, whoo! We land at the office, and John's face. He's having a flashback of his own, of one of the times he asked Ally is she'd ever "consider it" with him. Ally says no, because he's her boss and they work together, but "otherwise, yes, [she'd] consider it." Wow, that's hot. He sits, combing his rock garden. The he sits up; Nelle's standing in front of him. She asks is he's talked to her yet. Ally. "About what?" he asks. Nelle looks at him tenderly. John says they all have to move on: "Ling became a judge, Richard's getting married, Ally's moving to New York. People move on, it's a part of life." Nelle says, "Right," and moves right on out of his office. Good for you, Nelle. John still sits there, musing and pondering and thinking and staring into space, quietly. He's got some stuff on his mind, see. Stuff to think about.
Whoo, whee, Boston by air. Reverend Buck is getting dressed in Richard's office, for the wedding ceremony. He's going to be fitted into a harness/halter, so that when he collapses from all the emotion, John can just pull the handle and he'll snap awake. The robe covers the harness. Sounds genius, no? No. John asks if he's "supposed to be the best man or the designated rope tugger?" Fish says he's both, so "just do it!" John says he still doesn't understand the reasons motivating Fish to get hitched. Fish says "a lot of people elope on a whim"; he just "wants his friends there, and Ally there." Oh, yes, don't let's forget Ally, the greatest thing ever in all our lives. Reverend Buck fiddles with his halter for "comedic" "relief."
Ally sits alone in the bar. She looks likes she smells a fart. Renee walks in, all voluptuous curves in a painted-on black dress. Watch it jiggle! Renee sits at Ally's table and asks if Ally remembers all the memories they shared. Ally is all, yeah, whatever. Does Ally remember that time Renee dared her to tell a dirty joke? Ally cringes so horribly it makes me cringe. We get a flashback of the joke-telling experience, something about a flea hiding in pubic hair, then ending up in a biker's beard. It's sort of funny. Whether I laughed would depend on who told it to me. And hardly anyone laughs at Ally. Elaine walks in, barely says hi to Renee, and asks Ally if she's doing "one-on-ones now." Oh, and she's "wanted upstairs."
The wedding is happening. Reverend Buck begins droning on, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the..." yawning and snoring of the drawn-out last episode finally over but who really cares. The whole office is standing, present and accounted for. Corretta and Nelle bicker. Dame Edna asks if she looks all right. Not really. Wilson snarks, and Ally shushes him.
Okay, here's the part lame-o Wanda "spoiled" for everyone: Ally falls into a reverie in which the Reverend Buck asks if Ally takes "Billy, Larry, Victor, whoever, to be [her] lawful wedded husband." Ally nods frenetically, and says, "Mmm hmm," all gussied up in a veil and gown. Now that's some closure for you! Wanda sucks. Dream-Ally nods and nods as Reverend Buck asks if she does; then she's snapped out of it by Liza's real-life reply: "Duh! That's why I'm here."
Okay, time for Fish and Liza to exchange rings, and their own personally written vows. Liza goes first, her inner eyelids rimmed and her hair pulled back so tightly she has a five-head. She says she assumes everyone thinks she's getting married because she's "sick of being a virgin and wants to have sex in keeping with her values." Um, she's a virgin? That's news. Dame Edna rolls her eyes so hard I can hear them grind against her skull. Maybe that little factoid could have come out during all her various hot, "I'm-not-a-slut, honest," cock-teasing scenes. Liza admits that she really loves Richard, and that she's "not a person who loves easily, if at all." You know, I didn't think wedding vows were a time for short personal admissions (I though maybe you'd want to mention something nice about the person standing there with you, in formal wear), but Liza's speech is perhaps the least unselfish thing I've heard her say. Aw? Naw. Reverend Buck slumps, and is righted by the harness. Richard then makes a little speech to the effect that he's sure everyone's wondering if he and Liza will be having safe sex tonight, or if they're "going to donate the Trojans to a shelter." A shelter made out of wood, perhaps, in an equine shape? Heh. Then he says that while safe sex has "always come easy...safe love, never." Whoops, there goes my dinner.
Then Richard looks at Liza and says she's "just as afraid of it, just as outwardly dismissive of it, but inside, just as desperate for it." The Rev collapses, again. I think that's a little too TMI for a wedding vow, even, and not just that stuff about the condoms. I wouldn't want anyone talking about my insides to my assembled friends and family. But then, I couldn't decide which Jon Bon Jovi impersonator I wanted to marry me and my sweetie. Do we go with a modern, "short-haired Midnight in Chelsea" JBJ, or with a big-haired, acid-washed "She's a Little Runaway" JBJ? I'm not kidding; in Las Vegas, you can get married by a Jon Bon Jovi impersonator. You can get married by a Jewish Elvis. You can get married by a Jewish Hitler, even. Not a joke! Richard continues that one of the reasons he's getting married today was because there's "a risk" Ally may not be able to make it in June. Yes, because weddings are always about a guest from work. That's really what they turn on; it's what shapes that special day. Not your parents, not your kids, not what your partner wants, but the attendance or non-attendance of that crazy freak from the office. It's so true. Ally's the main character in everyone's life, you see. Fish says that John said that his marriage was "worthy of [Ally], and [Richard] agree[s]." He adds, "Ally's influence is what inspired me to do what I really feel." Ally tilts her head to the side. Richard concludes by saying that he loves Liza, and that he's "betting on how" he feels: "With this ring, I give you my heart." The Rev slumps, and then snaps to. Liza says that, with her ring, she gives Richard her heart. Faint, unfaint. What the TV gods have canceled, let no man ever resurrect. Not in reunion form, or on the Love Boat, or in a Cosby Mysteries. They are married. That is all.
The Bar. Vonda sings "Tell Him." Everyone dances. Ally sits at a table. Georgia sneaks up behind her and says, "Stranger." Ally gasps, and says with a straight, unpleased face, "Georgia!" Then she turns and hugs her. Georgia asks if Fish actually got married. Yes, an hour ago. And they're still married! Ha ha ha. Without actually really talking about anything, Georgia and Ally catch up and agree not to talk about Ally (even though she's leaving and is single and a parent now and the show is canceled and no one has seen Georgia in, like, two years), because it's Richard's night. Ha ha. They clink glasses and say "cheers." Didn't they make out once? This would be a great time to make out again. Ally sees John hanging out alone at the bar, and they have a bittersweet moment where they raise their glasses at each other. Fade to black.
Woo, more Boston by air. Back at the bar, the party is still going on. Elaine sings "Lady Marmalade." She's joined by Renee, but they don't share the stage -- they fight for the spotlight, and Elaine isn't budging an inch. She's in fine voice, and Renee is taken aback at Elaine's attitude. She wants it! She won't back down! Renee, you're going to have to fight. Fight and lose. Just like your tenure on this show. Everyone watches, amused at the kittens fighting. Reowr.
Ally gets off the elevators in the office, alone. The piano is sad as she looks around. She's still wearing a sheer top and a miniskirt. She enters her office and sighs heavily. Flashback time: Billy says he never imagined you could meet the person of your dreams in second grade. Ally kvells. Then, in now-time, Georgia walks up and says, "Heeey! What're you thinking about!" This is where, at home, I yelled, "SAY 'BILLY'! SAY WHAT YOU'RE REALLY THINKING!" But, because David E. Kelley never listens to me, Ally just says, "Stuff." Georgia continues pulling teeth and says how hard it is to say goodbye. Ally lies and says it isn't goodbye, and that she plans to stay in touch. Yeah, right. Georgia says she meant the office itself, and that lots of things happened in here. Really. And the sky is blue. Ally flashes back to a tender kiss she and Billy shared. Ally then stammers, "What-wh-wh-what d'you mean?" Billy was married to Georgia, in case there are some of you wjp just started watching this season and don't know the subtext here. Oh, what am I saying? No one started watching Ally McBeal this season! Georgia vaguely says that "stuff happened. Memories?" Ally laughingly says that "a room is a room -- you know, four walls." Georgia gives up, and says she'll leave Ally "alone with these four walls." Seriously, they could have had a conversation, there, about Ally's lost love and Georgia's late husband. Ally blew it. But then, she always does. She has a Larry flashback: Larry's "only seen the tip of the neurotic iceberg. [She's] demented. Self-absorbed. Vain. Maybe incapable of letting [her]self be loved." Larry says Ally may need to work on that. Maybe start soon? Oh, right. Canceled.
John interrupts Ally's stupid reverie. She says she thought he was avoiding her. He protests. She says that they "haven't talked about this." Well, did she seek him out? She didn't talk about it with ANYONE -- not even Maddie. She even tried to shut Fish and Elaine out when they approached her. But whatever. Can. Celed. John says that there's nothing to say; he knows why she's leaving, and that it's the right decision, and she knows how he feels about her leaving, so there's no need for words. Ally says that may be. And, maybe not. WE maybe don't know, and maybe, Mr. Kelley, you could TRY to put your character's feeling into words. You call yourself a writer, right? Write. Oh, fuck you, man. John looks into the middle distance and says that Ally is "the soul of this place. In some way, [she's] become the soul of all of [them]. And [he's] afraid of what will happen when [she] goes." Ally says she thinks Jon is underestimating his own soul. Wow, that is so nothing. This show thinks it is so deep, and it is not. It's empty. Completely devoid of soul. So quit thinking you can just say the word "soul" and inject some emotion, or inspire feeling in people just by using the word. Look, I can do it too: David Soul is cool. Soul Train. Hot buttered soul.
John and Ally have a quiet moment in which I and everyone else watching barfs; then he says he has a gift. I yell out, "DIAMONDS." Again, I am not heeded. He pulls out of his pocket a necklace a "friend" designed. It's made from metal from the World Trade Center. That is not a nice gift. In fact, it's sick. But John says he thinks "it's fitting, since [Ally]...." He trails off, letting the sentence go unfinished. Because Ally, like the twin towers of the World Trade Center, is finished and is never coming back? Because they're both great American tragedies that were awful and yet no one will ever forget? What a horrible metaphor -- and it isn't even completed! God, David E. Kelley sucks. Now more than ever. Ally says that the necklace is beautiful. John says he's sure she'll look beautiful in it, and I heave again. It isn't beautiful. It's a shard of metal with some stupid beads. Remember when dorks were making Berlin Wall jewelry? That was stupid, too. It's CONCRETE. I mean, out of context, it's an ugly material. Jewelry should have a decorative function, and be beautiful -- not be symbolic of a disaster or a moment in history. Ally puts the necklace on and smiles. John says he was right. She ahems and looks uncomfortable. He laughs, and looks like he doesn't know what to do with himself. Then he says there's "probably a party going on downstairs," and that they should join it. Ally agrees, and they walk off together, his arm around her shoulders. !
The Bar, again. The begging chords of "My First, My Last, My Everything" start up. Elaine takes a bow to huge applause, and does the spoken intro with a smile, giving a shout-out to Richard and Liza. Everyone claps and "woo"s. Ally and John walk in and smile a little. Elaine shares the stage with Renee, who is in fine voice, too. Then, Vonda steps up and takes a verse. The backup singers really show off their pieces of flair as they hold "my everyyy-thaaaaaaaa-haaaaang!" Then, Barry White rolls out onstage. Wow, he does gigs on a day's notice? What a nice guy. The crowd goes nuts. Nelle takes credit for booking El White. John asks Ally if she's not going to miss this, a little. She's all, I never said I wouldn't miss it. But you never said you would, either. Oh, whatever. Canceled! John and Ally dance. Everyone's out of their seats, clapping and shit. Barry has a giant denim blazer on. It's huge! The singers go, "My everyyy-thaaaaaaaa-haaaaang!" Now, we have the slow-motion circle dance we all saw in the commercials. Why slow-motion? Barry White finishes the song, and everyone claps and "woo"s like crazy. Then, things quiet down and Nelle asks Ally for her office, since it has better light. Ally agrees. Nelle says she knows they've had their differences, but...is there anything she needs to know about the office? Ally says it's lucky. Gee, that would have been a perfect time for them to make out. Oh well. Then, out of the silence, Vonda begins to sing a sad little song -- perfect for a wedding, really. It's about a picture of the boy door. She loved him, but then he moved away. The pictures in her scrapbook faded. Ally stares at the floor like a lunatic. Nelle asks if Ally's all right. Oh yeah, she's just canceled. I mean, "needs some air." She exits the bar.
Did we ever see the outside of The Bar before? It's not really on the street. It's back in an alleyway. She steps out, and poof, the ghost of Billy is there. Woo, Billyghost! He's got his dark hair (bye bye, Bleach-head), is wearing a nice suit, and is smiling. He asks if Ally's okay. She stammers for a bit, then says yes, but not really, because otherwise he wouldn't be there. And how is he? He says that living without him is one thing, but "living without them?" She explains that her daughter needs to move, and you gotta do what you gotta do: "That's an Ally McBealism." Whatever. Then she asks if Billy's "seeing anyone up there." Wow, how ridiculous. What a concept: Dating in heaven. I mean, he was MARRIED to Georgia on earth. But this raises some interesting questions. I wonder how sex works in heaven. Like you know in that great movie with Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep, you can eat all the food you want and never get fat? They could have done it, if he hadn't been such a chicken. So, do you get to have sex with whomever you wanted to on earth, or do you get a specter-version of your partner to tide you over until they die, too? Like, what if you're really a big ho and go to heaven -- can you bone all the angels you want, or is that not allowed? Can you experiment? Do they have vibrators in heaven? I could go on, but Billyghost smiles and says he's "not supposed to give out inside information." Boo. Ally says "it's been working out," meaning her life. And she summoned Billyghost because...maybe because she needed to say goodbye to him, too. He steps closer and asks that she "never forget." She says, "And don't you." Then, they kiss. Oh, ew. She's kissing a vision of a ghost. Is this closure? He says, "All of my heart." She says, "Forever and ever." Then, the wind goes, "Whooooo," and Billyghost fades into the ether. How truly lame.
Then, the incomplete and partially reunited cast gather 'round for Ally's final goodbyes. It's a little like when Dorothy went back to Kansas, but crappy. Ally says that this is sad, and Nelle snarks that her "dam's about to break." Ally calls Nelle "the biggest fraud [Ally's] ever met," and that her heart is big and Ally's going to miss her. They hug. Nelle has tears on her cheeks. We get some reaction shots of everyone else whimpering and crying. Ally approaches Georgia and says, "Don't be a stranger." Georgia and I say at the same time, like they were this year? Exactly. Hug. Tears. Reaction shots. Fish's turn. What would he say? What he does: "Bygones." Hug. Tears. Reaction shots. Elaine's up. She's sobbing. Ally says, "You know how I feel about you." Well, now's the time to say it! But, all we get is a hug and some tears. Renee is , crying like a pro but with a huge smile on her face. She says, "Like you said, we'll be forced to make an effort now." Um, yeah, but, remember? Canceled? Oh, whatever. Hug, tears, blah blah blah reaction shotcakes. Go, violin, go! Now, it's John's turn. Oh god, Ally actually says the line from The Wizard of Oz, about missing the scarecrow most of all. He actually dabs his eyes with his tail. I mean, "tie."
Ally steps back and surveys the crew. They're all so sad! I love how Liza and Wilson and Jenny and Glenn aren't there. Or Dame Edna, or Ling. I think Fish wins for best sad face. He's tilting his head, and wrinkling his forehead, is tearful and sniffly, and sighing open-mouthed. No holds barred, the winnah of the Hambone award! Renee comes in second, with her pouty-but-stoic sad lips and perpetual tears. Plus you know she has to hate all those guys. Billyghost stands to John, smiling. Wipe that smirk off your face, dead man! Have a little respect. Hey, I'm dancing over here, but am I on camera? No. Ally starts to say a lot of things but then trails off. Look at them all...the last five years...she loves them all so...she'll....call. The piano plays some more. Ally starts to walk away, and then turns back to let them all have another reaction shot. John has his tie in his mouth, and gives a little wave. Ally stalks off in her last mini-skirt of the show ever, and voice-overs that, "looking backward," some of the "happiest times in [her] life have been the saddest. Yeah. This is going to be good. Why else would [she] be crying?" Why else, indeed. If I had tears right now, they'd be from joy, but I don't care enough about Ally to cry. Vonda gets her last "ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh" in, and we fade to black. The end!