Previously on Ally McBeal: Nelle was horrified at the news that Miss Liza Bump will be working at the firm. Richard had deep lust for and wants to unwrap "the itty-bitty little sexual package" Liza is. Ally dumped Jon Bon Jovi, telling him that, "deep down," he and she know they aren't the ones for each other. Liza rubbed her scantily clad bod all over Richard, asked if he could now "imagine making love" to her, then hopped off, since imagining is as good as doing. And "it would be wrong" for them to actually sleep together. But cock-teasing is all right. Yeah.
John's hole. Liza -- clad in yet another brief lycra workout ensemble -- is doing chin-ups, Richard spotting. He's trembling with lust, again, some more. She chides him that he's stopped counting, and asks if he's thinking about what it would be like to do it with her again? Some more? Of course he is. Because she's just so sweaty. Well, if Liza lets him lick her, "one little time," will he behave? She turns and offers him the "especially moist" nape of her neck. He stammers, and wham, the walking wet blanket that is Dame Edna opens the door of John's hole. Hellew! If you were feeling tingly at this scene before, you should now be feeling the reverse of tingly. La Edna is clad in a blue leopard headband and some kind of voluminous sweatshirt thingy. Liza purses her lips in disapproval and looks exactly like Angelina Jolie. Dame Edna asks if Richard would like to see her work out and get dewy, too. "Not so much," he says. The rest of the viewing audience says hell no. Oh, and Richard's father is waiting in his office.
Hey, Richard's father is Jim from Murphy Brown. That's the second case of stuntcasting from that show this season alone -- three if you count JBJ's character as a total rip-off of Eldin. Richard and his father hug/pat each other awkwardly and -- since Mom is fine -- get down to business: Fish Sr. has been accused of sexual harassment by his former secretary, bugger. She was so hot, he fell in love with her and fired her, bygones. So now he's being sued, "bugger." He doesn't want to settle, bugger, so here he is. Can Richard help? "It all seems so unconstitutional, pursuit of happiness, rais ipsa, search and seize her [sic]...it's all right there!" Fish Sr. holds his hands up with an invisible cat's cradle inside and waves his fingers in Richard's face. Richard stammers. The closed captioning says, "Stammering." Wow, Richard is just like his dad.
Vonda's been doooown, she's been down down down....
A TV has King of the Hill on. Yay! I love that show. Then the camera pulls out, and aww, we're in Ally's living room. Maddie's watching Bobby Hill with a thermometer in her mouth. Millions of crumpled-up tissues and various bottles of things surround her, and Ally tells Elaine that since her fake kid has a temp of 102, she's going to stay home with her. Fine! Elaine asks if Ally's okay with the whole breaking-up-with-JBJ thing, really, she cares, and can Elaine take off for an audition of A Chorus Line? While, God, she hopes she gets it, she hopes she gets it, she'll "never get it, of course." Ally allows Elaine to go to the audition. Elaine thanks her. Aaand...scene.
Liza smacks her giant forehead when she learns that the reason Fish Sr. gave for canning his secretary was that he was in love with her. Fish Sr. fingers Liza's non-existent wattle, then relays to his son that "this little thing is nasty hot!" Liza smacks Fish Sr.'s hand away. Fish Sr. says he had to fire her -- he "didn't want to do anything [he] might regret." The ex-secretary wants $300,000. And Richard's mother can't find out. Liza asks for a moment alone, just her and "Fishy." Fish Sr. likes that. Richard says, "Bygones."
Nelle strolls through the office. She makes a nasty comment to New Guy Wilson, who's wearing a phone headset: "Is that thing permanently attached to your head?" He answers that "there's nothing artificial attached to her head." Wilson? New guy? Shut up. Nelle hears some music coming from Ally's office and, with a sneer on her face, heads over to investigate.
Inside, Elaine dances wildly to "Teach Me How to Shimmy." Wow, more references to A Chorus Line. More are coming. What, did DEK buy the rights to the show, or is he just tossing some money their way? How about some references to movies, while we're at it? Perhaps that one about the man who gets bit by the radioactive spider? Just kidding. Nelle bursts in and asks what Elaine is doing. She's dancing. Nelle doesn't even know what A Chorus Line is, and nastily asks when Elaine "is going to give up this nonsense." In about three episodes, I'd say. Elaine says that she's "already cleared this with Ally -- who is a partner, by the way." Which Nelle is not. Elaine turns the boombox back up and starts to dance. In Nelle's face. Or should I say, "totally" in Nelle's face. Go Elaine. Shimmy that bitch away.
Richard's office. He founders and blubbers that his dad's case hasn't got a chance -- and that a jury could award the fired secretary more than $300 grand. Liza says that jurors are "people," and that Richard is missing the point. She asks that he look into her huge eyes. May I take a moment here to say those Gap ads with Christina Ricci and Dennis "Making a Great Comeback with 24" Hopper freak me out? She looks even teenier than she does on this show. And in a white shirt and khakis, no less! And it's a little too Roman Polanski, them hanging out playing chess all nonchalantly together. Too aloof to smile or look at each other. Poseurs. It's like a whitewashed rap video, with no bass, action, color, or fun. ["Well, that's the Coen brothers for you." -- Wing Chun] Christina Ricci's head looks so big. She's got a fivehead. The only way that ad could redeem itself were if they were playing five-level Vulcan chess, like on original Star Trek. Then it would be funny. P.S. It's Glark's birthday. Anyway, Liza asks that Richard look into her large, lovely eyes, and reminds him that jurors follow their hearts more than they follow the law, sometimes. Why did God give her such big eyes, anyway? Her eyes, she tells Richard, are windows. Can he see the two of them in there? No, he says, but if she reaches into his "bulkhead," she can feel it. For those at home not into unfunny, unsubtle metaphor, he's talking about his penis. That's P-E-N-I-S. Hard cock. Liza giggles: "That was vulgar!" But the jury will look into her windows and see her heart believes Richard's dad was right to can the secretary he loved. Then she coos that Richard, inches from her, looks "so cute" and "like an ittle-wittle boy." A wubba-woo! A wubba-wubba-woo! "So hard to say no to!" So, she licks his thumb, and sticks it his mouth for him. As she exits, he removes his thumb, sniffs it, then pops it back in for another suck.
We're in a theater. It's huge, old, and gorgeous. One guy onstage, wearing black dance clothes, sings "Stepping Out With My Baby." The camera meanders through the house, showing us the band in the pit (though the guy onstage is accompanied by a piano), then the director and other casting folks seated in the middle of the house; the camera then pans backstage. A bunch of people in dance clothes are waiting in the wings, and a stage manager barks out their instructions expositionally. When called, the actors go onstage. Then, they sing. Wow, this is like a documentary. I feel like I'm getting a glimpse into how Things Really Work in a Real Stage Production. Elaine, in a flowery leotard, stretches and clutches some pages. Then, she sees Dame Edna, in a pinky-gray leopard muumuu and turban, stretching and holding some pages, too. Oh, crap. Elaine heads over to see what the hell the wet blanket is doing at HER audition. It seems that "before" Dame Edna "go[es]," she wants to make her mark somehow. To "come out." Hey, did everyone hear that? Dame Edna is GOING! YAY! Will it be before the end of the season? Anyway, Dame Edna is auditioning because Elaine "inspired" her, and if La Edna doesn't get it, she hopes Elaine does. Elaine smooshes her breasts around. Dame Edna smooshes "her" own "breasts" around. Sigh.
Court. Fish Sr.'s former secretary is testifying that "Executive Secretary is a career," and one she took "very seriously." She didn't like being fired for the feelings of love her cheesy boss had for her. Liza steps up to cross-examine. Is the witness married? No? Well, someday she hopes to be. And how many times? Well...once? "Odds are," says Liza, that won't be the case, since most marriages "fail." And why do they fail? Because they're "fragile" and "aren't treated as such." Yes? So, when the witness gets married, will she be okay with her husband working with a woman he's falling in love with? No? So, he should choose his wife over his secretary, then, yes? Liza sits down, then says there's "a very angry woman in the back. Do we know her?" Richard and his dad swivel in unison. Yep. It's Mrs. Fish. Both men bite their knuckles at once. Oy.
Away from court, Mrs. Fish wants an explanation. Fish Sr. offers this "Senior Fishism: love without sex is an empty experience." So he canned his secretary and is now being sued. How he kept all this from her, and how she found out anyway...well, who cares. Who cares about this whole plot, anyway? It's showing us that Fish is exactly like his dad; sure. But other than that, it's Yawnsville. Snoozetown. Boringford and Dullshire. You get me? I'm more entertained making up names of terms for being bored than I am by watching this episode. If TV has a hell, it's Monday nights on FOX. (Notice how I'm leaving the time open to include Boston Public?) Richard's dad says he's "in court because of fidelity" to his wife. Nice spin, dude. But she's not buying. Fish Sr. leaves, and Liza jiggles after him. Richard asks his mom -- rather unkindly, too -- what "the big deal is here," since Fish Sr.'s "track record" has more hits than not. Wow, way to respect your mother's feelings, Richard. She tells him exactly what the big deal is: she's been humiliated enough staying with Fish Sr. throughout his various affairs. But this falling-in-love shit? Never happened before. She was always "the one he loved," before. That "was [her] claim." Now, it ain't. Sigh.
The Theater. We get a montage of various women auditioning, all singing snippets of "Dance: Ten, Looks: Three." You know, that song? From A Chorus Line? The "tits and ass" one? Yeah. It's a catchy little number. Elaine is a real standout. She has a great voice. She's head and shoulders above the pack. Dame Edna takes the last line and warbles something about, after surgery, getting national toooours.
We fly all over the city of Boston until Dame Edna's voice fades and we land back at court. Fish Sr. testifies. He canned his secretary because he didn't want to do anything "inappropriate," like jeopardizing his marriage. So, canning the secretary was "an incredible act of love," then? The secretary's lawyer objects. So, why, if Fish Sr. was the one with the problem -- you know, struggling with his feelings and all -- did the secretary have to leave? Well, it's his company. Oh! Well, then. Liza turns to the jury and says, "Duh!" Hey, DEK? Fuck you infinity. Then, Liza calls co-counsel -- Richard -- to the stand. She want to show everyone how "genetics" matter in this case. "It'll just take a sec."
We fly over Boston again, some more. Finally, we land at the theater. Elaine, dressed in her suit again, takes a beat when she sees the "callback" sheet posted, then walks toward it like a bride toward her groom. Yeah, in professional stage shows, they do that. -- post callback sheets. They don't call. I saw it in Staying Alive! Ooh, look, another reference to a movie! Lookit me go! Lookit me go! Elaine gets close to the callback list and peers at it; then her face falls. She turns, and bumps smack into one of the casting dudes. He's all, don't I know you? Yeah, she auditioned earlier. He says she was good. She laughs a bitter little laugh, like a Hershey's Special Dark Miniature, but not as tasty. Not good enough to make the cut, she says. No, she really is good. Really! It's just that she didn't have a résumé, or any professional experience. Elaine goes off on the guy: "Oh, so you have to have experience to get experience? This was an open audition. How many people came in with résumés? You saw what I could do. Isn't that the point? Otherwise, people could just fax in their tryouts." The guy asks, what is she, a lawyer or something? Hee. No. And would she like to have dinner? She smiles and poses in a very "yes" stance.
Richard's on the stand. Liza speaks to him softly and seductively. We already saw a snippet of this scene in the commercials: she asks him if he's falling in love with her. He says he is. But in this context, in his father's trial, she's making a point that Richard, like his dad, is "governed by [his] dumbstick," and would do the same thing his dad did. Which is, canning a girl he was falling for because he was already married. Even though Richard is not married. Whatever.
Back at the office, Liza and Richard get off the elevators. They're arguing. He was "embarrassed" by her courtroom antics. She says they're trying to make Fish Sr. look like the victim, if they can, and to prove a genetic predisposition to becoming obsessed. Oh, for fuck's sake. Fish Sr. is waiting for them in his office. Why? He got served with divorce papers. Commercials.
Liza yells at Richard that she can't be worried about feelings when she's trying to win a lawsuit. Well, Richard is worried. And he does care. What, is his dad going to die alone now, or something? Liza suggests that Richard go talk to his mom. Or, if he's too uncomfortable, she can talk to her for him. No, he stammers, he'll-he'll-he'll go talk to her.
Elaine is enjoying her fireside dinner with the casting dude. No, she never had any professional experience. But every day, after school, boy did she ever put on performances in her bedroom! And not like that, you perverts. So, he laughs, at thirty... He pauses. She yells, "Thirty's fine!" So, at age thirty's-fine, she tries out for "one of the greatest dance musicals ever mounted." Um, what? "Dance musicals"? What-the-fuck-ever. Elaine has put her "dream on hold, basically." And she went for it today, in audition form, not in moving-to-New-York form, like he suggested. And, she thinks she "earned a callback." He looks uncomfortable and takes a big gulp of wine.
Mrs. Fish is making some sandwiches in her kitchen, which is full of ugly paintings. Deli containers are all around. Mrs. Fish slaps Richard's hand away as he picks at some meat. She says she can't deal with this slight, because Fish Sr. had never loved anyone but her, before. Richard asks if she's going to just live alone now, and "what kind of life is that?" She's all, why don't you tell me what kind of life that is, Mister Never-Been-Married- and-Famous-For- Fetishes-Man-Slut- Who-Never-Had- A-True-Partner- According-To-His-Mother? When she looks at Richard, her heart breaks, because he's "incapable of truly loving another. It's a pattern, [he's] a chip off the old block." Damn!
Now, to the slowed-down strains of "Mustang Sally," we see Elaine have sex with the casting dude. Elaine gives good couch!
The day, Elaine walks quickly through the office, plowing right into Nelle. Nelle is all, ow! Did you not SEE me? Elaine is all, what, am I the only one with eyes? Well, Elaine is the one "blitzing like a linebacker!" Elaine asks that Nelle "leave [her] alone." Nelle freaks and screams, why is Elaine "always such a bitch?" Hey, pot, have you met kettle over here? I think you guys could really hit it off. Elaine throws something big and green at Nelle, who ducks. The thing smacks Dame Edna right in the head. Nice. Elaine stomps into Ally's still-empty office, and Nelle gets a tongue-lashing from Corretta. Nelle asks, why is it always me? "Because it always is!" Corretta yells. Aww, poor Nelle.
Nelle stomps into Ally's office, where Elaine sits with her chin on the couch. Is she dying or something? No. But she did have sex with the casting guy after being rejected from the show, and after sex, she was asked to leave. So now she feels like a loser. And she didn't even go all-out in the audition: she picked the "safe 'tits and ass' song." Nelle asks for the casting dude's name. Why? Oh, no reason.
Nelle shows up at the theater to talk to the casting guy. Is he going to call Elaine again? Because Nelle can vouch for her, both "professionally and personally." She knows the "great hopes" Elaine has for her career. Could he at least call her back to do another audition? Please? Oh pretty please? Oh, barf.
Liza works away at John's desk, to which she has added a pink kitty nodding-head doll. I have one of those, but it's a dinosaur. I ask it, "Are you a dinosaur?" and touch it, making it answer, "Yes. Yes, I am a dinosaur." Richard walks in, and asks Liza's she's working on the closing for Fish Sr.'s case. She is. And could Richard make sure Mrs. Fish is present, to show the jury their marriage is still working? He can. He leaves abruptly, and Liza looks after him with her huge eyes.
The office. Nelle and Elaine are hashing out what happened. Yes, Nelle went to the theater to talk to the casting guy. It wasn't charity or pity. In fact, Nelle doesn't care "one way or the other." So why did Nelle go? Because it matters to Elaine! Nelle admits that she's "jealous" of Elaine, because Elaine "has passion in her life," and Nelle has no passion in hers. Aww! God, I feel sorry for Nelle. I mean, I have a lot of passion. Right now, what comes to mind is my passionate hate for this show. It glows like the white-hot fire of a thousand suns. I have to put a pin-hole in an oatmeal box to look at it. It's just a big ol' passion. And just one of my many passions! Nelle tells Elaine to "go back to that theater and go for it!" Aww.
Closing arguments, finally. Richard's mom sits in the courtroom, nervously clutching her cashmere turtleneck. Opposing counsel asks the jury not once, but twice, to "do the moral thing." Liza steps up. She says we're here because her client is "desperately in love with his wife." And since he couldn't leave, or transfer his secretary elsewhere...well, she had to go. So, there he sits, "a very, very moral man." Ha ha ha.
Lights up on...a stage light. A piano tinkles softly. Elaine stands center stage, singing (very nicely) yet another song from A Chorus Line. The casting folks watch her, digging her stuff. Nelle walks down the aisle, smiling. The orchestra kicks in, and I get tinglies. Elaine rocks! She dances well, too. The stage is bathed in blue light, and she goes for it. When she's finished, everyone backstage applauds. The orchestra and casting folks join in. Nelle has tears on her cheeks. Aww!
Has the jury reached a verdict? They have. They find for the plaintiff: she gets $68,000, a year's severance pay. Fish Sr. is "thrilled," because it could have been a lot worse. Boy, it'd be nice to not care so much about having to shell out $68 grand. Fish Sr. chucks Liza under the chin, and she smacks his hand away. Richard offers his "Fishism: hire ugly assistants. Bygones." Now, will Fish Sr. need to hire a son again for his divorce? Well, here comes Mom. She says she was moved by Liza's closing, but not by anything Fish Sr. said. Fish Sr. asks to marry Mrs. Fish, again. You know, a renewal of their vows? And will Richard be the best man? Sure. They hug. Oh, jesus, are we going to have a million weddings in the finale? I'm going to need a million beers.
Elaine steps off the elevator and sees her cubicle filled with balloons. Nelle stands there, smiling. But Elaine didn't get the part! That's okay -- Nelle say Elaine "went for it," and she'll "always have that." Elaine looks sad, and says she "owes" Nelle.
Then, we abruptly segue into a scene with Liza and Richard walking down the street. She's all, "Owe me? For what?" Well, for the case. And, for another thing. He's falling in love with her. He's "starting to see inside those windows of [hers]." She calls a cab in a hurry. Then, with tears in her huge, beautiful eyes, turns and asks if he wants to get in. They smooch, and slowly fall into the cab. Vonda starts singing "What I Did For Love."
Elaine walks down the street with her balloons, happy, even though she didn't get it.