Wow, a disclaimer? This takes me back to the days when I recapped NYPD Blue. That show had heft. And I'm not just talking about Jimmy Smits's ass. I'm talking about that guy that plays Baldwin's ass, too. Mmm, Baldwin's ass. Oh, right, Ally McBeal is on and will be featuring "adult" (as if) "sexuality" that "may not be appropriate" for "younger" viewers. And this is different from every other episode of Ally McBeal how? Will they show penetration? Say "sex-jism" again? Pull out all the sexy stops you can; you're still canceled. Hey, DEK, ever think of airing a disclaimer saying "this show contains bad writing that may offend viewers with brains in their heads"?
Previously, Ally McBeal was taken off life support and given a few episodes in which to slowly die. We met Christina Ricci, a.k.a. Miss Liza Bump, who came on to John Cage in a hot tub wearing her cute little gingham bikini. She is very skinny. She hired a new guy, Wilson Jade, to litigate (he used to be on Third Watch -- my condolences, dude), and bonded with Nelle over a case in which a wife sues her sleazy husband for making sexual advances on her. Like, he wrapped his wiener in cheese and put ketchup on it and asked her to have a taste. Which aired without a disclaimer. Dame Edna asked Ally if she and Victor fight, and though in that conversation Ally admitted that they don't, the editors cut in a screaming outdoor fight she and Victordidhave. So, even though fighting = passion, she and Victor were fighting, yet on the rocks? Ally, thou art fucked in the head. Thou shalt be canceled.
Ally and Victor walk into her darkened house, hauling luggage. Ally says, "Home sweet home." Victor says, "Yep." Ally says that could be what he says, when he walks into his home. Yeah, it could. But where's Maddie? Oh, she's due back in a day, since they came home a day early, remember? Yeah, he does. And "Bermuda is overrated," too. Ally mutters under her breath that "the Triangle area would probably be more fun." JBJ asks Ally to admit that she had a lousy time on vacation with him. Ally speedily says that she had a "wonderful" time, and maybe it was he who didn't have a wonderful time. JBJ picks up the luggage, moves toward the steps, and suggests that she go do her hair. Um, what did he say? What did he say? Was that a hair crack? From JBJ? Former hair-metal GOD? Ally informs him that his hair takes a lot of doing itself, and that "each strand probably has its own stylist." Victor denies even combing his hair. Ew, And, so? Ally says, "If you put the tine into something, it pays off." And that's a dis how? JBJ says he's leaving, and as Ally opens the door, a perky, chirpy, smile-y brunette hands him a summons. He's being sued. Ally says, "Hmm," and purses her collagen-injected mouth. That's all the reaction we get? Go do your hair.
Vonda's been dooooown, she's been down, down down...
Ally comes into the office, wearing a white skirt and a pretty ugly top. Is it old J. Crew, or is it vintage? Only the wardrobe people know for sure. Ally snippily tells Elaine that if JBJ drops by, Elaine should tell him she's in court. And yes, her vacation sucked, in case Elaine didn't get that. Ally rushes in to lead the staff meeting, and tries unsuccessfully to deflect all nosy queries about her sucky vacation, which sucked. Miss Bump notices that Ally is a little tense from not having good sex on her boring vacation, and begins kneading Ally's shoulders. Apparently, Miss Bump knows some "relaxation techniques. Actually, they're secrets," she intones, staring at Richard. Richard makes a sqeaky groan. He's got it bad, got it bad, got it bad. He's hot for Liza. Oh! Oh yes he's hot! Ally hunches her bony shoulders to get Liza off her, and says this is a staff meeting, not a forum to discuss their personal lives. New Guy Wilson points out that they were only discussing Ally's personal life. Miss Bump asks Richard if he wants to watch Miss Bump take a shower. ¿Que? Oh, forget it. Elaine comes in and tells Ally that JBJ is in Ally's office. But Ally just told Elaine to tell JBJ...oh, forget it.
JBJ has his hair all slicked back. "How do you like my hair?" he asks. Ally smiles. Then he asks if he needs to get another lawyer on his side. No, she'll take his case. JBJ is getting sued by an art gallery owner, who claims that he failed to deliver an agreed-apon number of paintings he was to produce for her. Oh yeah, JBJ also is an artist. He paints. Did that not ever come up? Heh, well, yeah, it never did. Not when they were dating, not when they were on vacation searching for non-boring things to talk about. Oh well. And the gallery owner is an ex-girlfriend. Mm hmm.
Dame Edna barges into Richard's office. She's concerned. He hasn't seemed like himself. He's been...working the past few days. Has he been trying to distract himself? From his unwavering, undeniable sexual attraction to none other than Dame Edna? No. Not in the least. Richard has been trying to distract himself from his sexual attraction to Miss Bump who, like everyone on the boards has said, is just like Ling. Maybe even a little hotter and "nastier," and Ling was "amazing." Dame Edna gets a violent attack of acid reflux. God, that is gross. Richard says Liza "is an itty-bitty sexual package" he wants to "unwrap." Dame Edna is bereft. The music, amused. I'm nowhere in between.
New Guy Wilson walks into his office, and there's the guy he got to hand over $225,000 last week in the wife-sues-husband- for-sexual-advances-case. He's now hiring the New Guy. As if. He "sort of" taped himself having sex with his girlfriend, and now she's threatening to show the tape to his co-workers. Since he's "a vice-president," this "could really hurt" him. Wow, yeah. Except if he worked in advertising. Then, he'd make tons of cash. Or, you know, was in the entertainment industry. Or, was Tommy Lee. Or Pamela Anderson. Or, Bret Michaels. Wilson looks out the window as the President of Vice says he "makes some strange noises" on the sex tape he "wasn't aware of." Hey, Wilson? We can't see your face if you look out of the window. Just saying. The girlfriend is asking for $25,000 not to show the tape. So, can Wilson help with the sleazy blackmail case? Sure, he'd love to.
More Boston by air, woo. We land at JBJ's garret, which has lots of light, exposed brick walls, nice chairs for reclining in, and millions of paintings and painting accessories all over the place. JBJ, secret painter, is not smoking or wearing a beret. What a lost opportunity. Ally strolls around the place, checking out JBJ's large, colorful artwork. Ally calls them "paintings of naked women." He calls them "abstract nudes." I call it "ersatz Picasso-esque crap only slightly more interesting than the abstract works of Kelly's cokehead painter boyfriend Colin on Beverly Hills, ." ["And Colin ended up on Third Watch, too. Coincidence?" -- Wing Chun] Ally can't get over the fact that Victor never mentioned the fact that he paints, let alone that he paints pictures of "beautiful naked women with perfect bodies." And do these "beautiful naked women with perfect bodies come on to" Victor, or "know [Ally] even exist[s]?" Well, he does have a reason for keeping his brush habit a secret. He's been working on a portrait of Ally for her birthday. Ally reclines, cat-like, seduced by this bit of information. Can she see it? Sure. He gestures to a covered canvas. She gets up and removes the sheet, and -- surprise! -- loves the garish piece. She had fun picking out pieces of herself. An arm here, an eye there, a foot over there -- but "what-what-what-what-what's that?" That is "a buttock." Over there is "another buttock." The artist-formerly- known-as-JBJ's renditions of Ally's buttocks are oblong in shape and textured in a way that makes Ally uncomfortable. Angry, even. A car screeching on its brakes sounds. Did he dare paint cellulite on her ass? JBJ thinks the "texture" give an ass some "character." Oh, Ally's has plenty of that. What it "doesn't have is cottage cheese." Oh, for the love of god. Ally McBeal is famous for being ANOREXIC. Are we supposed to feel badly for her fictional body image issues when ON TELEVISION she appears to be scary thin? Yes, Ally has no fat anywhere on her body. Her ass? Fat-free. Victor painted her a painting, and she doesn't like it because he layered some paint on his version of her buttocks? Whatever. She storms out, and passes a beautiful woman with a perfect body, ready to strip down and pose for JBJ. JBJ tells the model that she's "a little early, but otherwise, perfect timing." Ally looks insane as she glares at the model's flat abdomen. Yeah. See, body-insecurity issues are just not funny. And the Victoria's Secret ad with the jiggling boobs, which follows this scene? Not funny either.
The office. Ally takes her messages from Elaine, which include three from Victor saying he "loves" her "ass." Miss Bump pops up and says she loves it, too. Elaine and Ally wheel and watch her go, wondering if Liza is "hetero" and noting that she is "cute." Elaine drawls, "Yeees, she isss." Then, back to business: the deposition for JBJ's suit is at 3 PM today. Today? Yes. And these roses are from JBJ, "also in appreciation of [Ally's] ass." Dame Edna sniffs the roses, pronounces them "lovely," then SNIFFS ALLY'S ASS and says she has a "lovely" aroma, too. Oh, barf. I mean, does anyone need this in their life? Dame Edna sniffing Ally's ass? Ally smiles, happy to have her aroma appreciated. Barf.
The Uni. Richard is venting to Corretta and Ray about his unfulfilled lust for Miss Bump. Ray tells Richard to go for it; Richard says she'd "own [him] in ten minutes," and that he "get[s] addicted to girls like that." Ray says she owns him now. Miss Bump then prances in, and shoves Corretta away to get inside John's hole to work out. Richard pops a tiny boner when he realizes that she'll be in there...sweating. Richard drools, then says sweat "is the sexiest thing on a woman." Is barf sexy? Because if it is, I am looking super-hot right now.
Nelle, New Guy Wilson, and the President of Vice sit at a table facing a lawyer, the girlfriend, and a videotape of naughty sexual acts that may or may not be suitable for younger viewers. It's blackmail, says Nelle. They could just go to the police. And they could just sell the tape on eBay, says the lawyer. Wow, do you really have to hire lawyers to help you blackmail rich vice-presidents of unnamed industries? The world is so going to hell. The President of Vice witheringly says, "Can you live with yourself?" Apparently he made the tape "as a valentine to our love." But two weeks later, he dumped the blackmailer for "another secretary." Aww! So, the $25,000 she's asking for is "fair." Yeah. They rise and saunter out. Nelle and Wilson pop in the tape, which shows the blackmailer on top of the President of Vice, humping away as he groans and trills beneath her. Wilson says maybe they can "out-scum" the blackmailer. Great.
Ally's office. Victor says that he "just wanted to paint," and that she cared more about it than he did, because they were "boyfriend and girlfriend." Ally starts speaking quickly, mentioning that boyfriends and girlfriends "tend to care about each other," and how dare he paint cellulite on her ass! He says he started that before he even ever saw her ass. She says he "projected" the fat on there, "based on what, one lonely little wrinkle?" Yes, you wrinkly, cellulite-ridden unattractive hag, ha ha ha! JBJ says he thinks the art dealer is "more upset about losing" him as a boyfriend. Ally asks if he ever painted her. JBJ wonders if maybe Ally being his lawyer will be difficult. Oh no. No, it should be "fine." Fine!
Miss Bump, post-workout sweaty and barely clad in a brief red lycra tank and shorts, strolls through the office. Richard sees her and lusts for her. Yeah, we get it. Dame Edna pops up, the virtual cold water on his (and everyone else's) genitals. Has he read Cyrano? No, but he's seen the movie Roxanne, and, you know, seen other TV shows when people rip off Cyrano. He's also seen Pretty Woman, and many other rip-offs of Pygmalion. Dame Edna, in spite of the fact that she loathes Miss Bump, will help Richard snare Miss Bump. She can "push that button's buttons." Miss Bump pops up; Richard tries to hide. Does the office "not have shower facilities?" Miss Bump is all "sweaty" and needs to bathe. But actually, she likes being sweaty. It's a "tropical, moist feeling." Richard stammers, twists his newspaper into a knot, then admits to Dame Edna that he can use help in talking to Miss Bump. Dame Edna calls Miss Bump " a sweaty Betty."
Victor's depo. His art dealer -- in another could-be-interesting- if-it-were-better-written cameo, played as well as Vanessa Williams can muster -- testifies that Victor showed "bad faith" when he reneged on his contract to her, to deliver eight paintings in 2001. He only delivered three. Ally says the contract said "up to eight," therefore not binding him to that number -- and was it "bad faith" he was exhibiting in a professional or personal capacity? Vanessa Williams quickly veers off the fact path and into TMI territory. Oh, he would have been a lot less likely to paint had he made love to her as often as she would have liked. And, PS, Victor is "an ass man." Want to hear more about his "fetishes"? Yeah, Ally wants to hear more. Um, like this matters? Oh, right, the show is based around this stupid shit. My bad. Victor likes "asymmetrical asses," and "cellulite gives a butt character." He dumped his dealer because Vanessa Williams's ass is "more conventionally beautiful." Oh, boy. Victor pleads to settle, he's so embarrassed. He says he left because Vanessa was "falling in love" with him. Vanessa shoots back, "Is that why you stopped painting?" He says it was. Vanessa yells, "There, he just admitted he stopped painting! Breach." Ally knows she's stuck.
Nelle walks in on New Guy Wilson watching the sex tape. He has an idea. An "evil" idea. The "best kind" of idea. Didn't Nelle have a special-effects house as a client? Call them up. Bum bum bummm!
Dame Edna is outfitting Richard with an earpiece so she can feed him Liza-winning dialogue in the bar. She'll be "speaking softly"; Richard, "carrying a big stick." Yeah. She meant his penis. That's P-E-N-I-S. She brays, "TESTING." Um, that's too loud. Ow. Whatever.
Maddie is measuring Ally's ass with a tape measure. I know. One cheek is "6 1/4 across." The other is "slightly more muscular." I know, I know. She's giving her daughter hands-on training to be neurotic about her body. I just can't believe how bad this show is. I can't believe this passes for entertainment. I can't believe the guy in the grocery store that always tells me how much he loves the four-grain and tofu burgers told me he likes the show. What I can believe is that it is canceled. Victor pops his head in. Oh, he still comes and goes as he pleases? The painter/ plumber/ electrician/ cook/ child-care provider/ legal client still lurks around the bedrooms, without a heads-up? Oh, okay. He and Ally head off to talk downstairs. Maddie calls after them that one cheek "rides a little higher" than the other, too. Got it.
Ally and Victor talk about the case, and about Ally's ass. Was he in love with Vanessa Williams? No: "That was the problem." Oh, was her ass not asymmetrical and cellulite-y enough for him, then? Ally points to her barely visible posterior and barks, "Men stare at this on the STREET, you know." Yeah, men will only stare at an ass if it's 100% fat-free. Light and lively, that's what they want. And if you can't pass the pencil test? Well, forget about getting a second glance from the Man On The Street. Those dudes passing women, turning their heads to get a look -- well, they have standards. What they gaze at had better be choice. They won't ogle just any ass, oh no. And the sarcasm I dole out -- well, it doesn't grow on trees. Ally says her ass is "ripe and glass-smooth." Victor finally acts like a real boyfriend would and says, "Let me grab it." Ally gives him the Heisman, of course. Now is not a good time for him (or anyone) to "be amused." She's ANGRY. And the sex they had on vacation was "polite. Totally polite. Polite, courteous, sex." Aww, poor Ally. She is just perpetually frustrated, isn't she. Victor apologizes and says time, he'll bite her. Please bite her lollipop head right off.
Okay, this is the scene for which we were shown the disclaimer. It's not an earned disclaimer, I believe. It's a bogus disclaimer. But this is a bogus show, so what did you expect? Full frontal male nudity? Penetration? No. What we have is Nelle, New Guy Wilson, the President of Vice, and the blackmailers sitting at a table. Nelle and New Guy do not have an offer to make the blackmailers, but rather, a tape of their own. First, they offer the blackmailers a "chance to drop this." The blackmailers laugh. So, they show the tape: the blackmailer chick is having sex with not only the President of Vice, but with assorted other dudes, too. One guy looks like Wilford Brimley. There are two Vin Diesel-looking dudes. Then, there's a moo. Wow, she had sex with a cow? Sick. They don't even show it, but I'm guessing the implied bestiality with "Clementine" is enough to warrant a disclaimer. Oh, so it's not a boy cow? Sick! The blackmailer chick says they just doctored the tape; the lawyer calls it "out and out fraud." But that doesn't mean they can't sell their version on eBay, too. Or, distribute it throughout the office, like she was planning to do. So, the blackmail "case" is dropped. Hooray for Nelle and Wilson. Whatever.
The Bar. Vonda sings "always and foreevaaaah." Yes. Always and forever, this show does suck. Every day. In its own special way. Richard does a shot of tequila and sits down with Miss Bump, Ray, Elaine, and Corretta. Was Richard working late, wonders Miss Bump? With Dame Edna feeding him lines, Richard explains that he was working on his book, The Lost Art of Conversation. Miss Bump poses and replies, "Are people conversing less, or less artfully?" We have banter. They continue in this vein, until Dame Edna feeds Richard the line of "wanting to poke your embers" with something or other. Miss Bump says that if she she wants to sleep with a man, she'll just suggest that they go somewhere and "do it." Dame Edna gasps, "Goodness, what a slut!" Richard parrots the remark. Only three more episodes to go. Miss Bump takes Richard's hand and says that maybe they "should just do it once, satisfy [their] curiosity, and move on?" Richard stammers. Ew, they're going to do it.
Ally and Victor are still talking. Just break up already, will you? Victor explains that he and Vanessa Williams had "a purely physical relationship" and that he'd rather the breakup be "angry," since "anger is easier to get over than heartbreak." A thousand times, whatever. Ally gets lost in a reverie and says, "That's why he wanted me to do it. He wanted me to hate him." She means Larry. JBJ looks so not thrilled with the change of subject.
Ally sits on her couch, despondent. Maddie comes downstairs. She's dyed her hair! She looks taller, too. Wow, she's growing up so quickly! She notes JBJ's absence. "They don't tend to come back, with me," says Ally. Ally? You are warping your daughter. Cut it out.
Miss Bump's pad. It's very kitschy. I like the '60s lamps and furniture, but not the Christina Aguilera poster. The Never Been Kissed poster is okay. She puts on some music and grabs Richard's crotch. If she "extinguishes [his] curiosity, will [he] see [her] as a lawyer?" He'll try. They head off to the bedroom.
So, the blackmail case is dropped -- did we all get that it was the image of the girl fucking the cow that made them drop it? We do? Good. The President of Vice calls them "the scummiest, most disgusting lawyers" ever. Nelle and Wilson beam hugely. He adds, "They set the bar so low! And you just slithered right under it!" Yeah, they love their work. Nelle and Wilson? You can go do it now.
Miss Bump's bedroom is also '60s and mod. She puts on "Dancing Queen." Dig it. She has a diving board over her round bed, so she can "dive right in." And she really does dive; she "used to compete." What does Richard want to do first? Richard stammers that he wants to see her shower. She trots off, and he scampers after her.
Ally's reading on her couch. There's a knock on the door. It's JBJ. He's brought her a ticket to Detroit, to go visit Larry. He thinks she needs "to go settle things." As they fight, I check out Ally's outfit. Grey cashmere sweater, with a kitty-cat head on it; nice clean olive-green pants. I love it. I wear stuff like that all the time. They fight some more about Ally not being over Larry yet, and I wonder where she got that sweater. Milk Fed? Fred Segal? Seriously, hook a sister up. Ally tells JBJ that he has "seriously overplayed [his] hand," and that "this mess is [her] life, and [she] choose[s] to live it this way." She has tears on her cheeks. Watch the cute sweater! She opens the door, then closes it. She doesn't "take well to being controlled." JBJ says her past is controlling her. She opens the door again, and says he can say goodbye to Maddie tomorrow. This time, he walks out.
Miss Bump exits the shower, clad in a cute bathing suit, with Richard trailing. He's not spent yet. She commands that he get on the bed and lie still. She climbs up to her diving board, then does a neat somersault and lands on top of him. You can see her total ass, and still, she's so skinny she's "now 20% less hot," says my boyfriend. Miss Bump asks if Richard can imagine what it's like to make love to her. Oh yeah, says Richard. She hops off him. Because she's "not a slut!" And if he can imagine the sex, well, "curiosity satisfied!" Or something.
Knock knock. Who's there? It's JBJ, knocking on Ally's door. JBJ knocking on Ally's door who? JBJ breaking up with Ally, because she sucks. She admits that she's sabotaging their relationship, because she knows they're "not it" for each other. JBJ says he saw himself marrying her. Ally saw herself marrying him. But, can you see them married? That's a negatory, good buddy. Here, my boyfriend asks whether I ever gave this breakup speech to any guy, and I haven't. I've found that if you say "I've been thinking" in a serious enough tone, that that one simple phrase does a lot of the work for you. Who has time for boring speeches? So, they break up, but they're still going to talk. Very sad goodbyes are exchanged. I can't yell it loudly enough: BORING.