Previously: Alex Richmond used her special powers to get Ally McBeal canceled. So, begin to say good-bye! Show all the clips you want -- after this, we only have four more new hours of this to sit through! Yay. Oh, and John runs off and joins a mariachi band (and gets caught, ai-yai-yai-yai!). We meet Miss Liza Bump, a.k.a., Christina Ricci, who is a fierce litigator and such a cute, precious, teeny-weeny little munchkin! We see her in a bathing suit, yes we do! Yes we do! She makes unwelcome sexual advances to John. Ally says she sniffed Victor's ass once. Dame Edna trumpets, "Get over it, Ally McBeal!" John, in his mariachi suit, asks Miss Bump is she wants to join the firm.
Scary funhouse music leads us in a race-by-air across Boston. We land with a screech in front of whatever it is, Cage, Fish, and McBeal, and see a harried Ally get off the elevator. Elaine informs her that her plane was delayed half an hour -- a trip with Victor to Bermuda? Whatever, like we care -- and she still has time to conduct a staff meeting and catch her flight. Ally shoos Richard out of the chair at the head of the table and welcomes Miss Bump, who starts today. Nelle whips her head around: "What?" Miss Bump smiles and says thank you. She's wearing the same rhinestone (or is it diamonds?) necklace in the shape of a star that Christina wears on the cover of Jane magazine. It's a real Chanel; Dame Edna, eat your heart out. Nelle gets pissed that Miss Bump gets to work out of John's office. "What else did he extend to her...does she get access to his hole, too?" Heh. Miss Bump begins to sob. Ally defends her, then Miss Bump is all smiles again. Oh, and she needs help with a case. Richard stammers that he's free. Miss Bump says that wouldn't work, since she's "attracted to [him]." Nelle says, disgustedly, to give her a break. Ally asks what the case is. Bigamy. Miss Bump's client is married to two dudes. Her defense? "She's entitled." Miss Bump puts a catch in her voice and whines, "Belle, will you help me?" Nelle says her name is Nelle. Miss Bump says her name is Morgan on her birth certificate. All the associates and partners have a nice chuckle at Nelle's expense: "Morgan Porter? Hee hee hee!" I hate you, DEK. Oh, and Miss Bump? "Hired another associate" that Nelle will "love." A lawyer she "was wooing." He strides in. A boring, not-hot guy with huge caterpillar eyebrows stolen from Noel and Liam Gallagher. Wilson is his name, if anyone cares. Ally says any arrangements Miss Bump made "are not binding" on the firm. He says that as long as he gets his "agreed-upon salary," he "doesn't care." And, the "slutty-looking secretary" told him there was an empty office upstairs, which he'll just go to right now, as he has clients coming in and has already heard about how "nice everyone" is. Everyone makes puzzled faces as they watch him go. Go actors, go! Earn your money!
Vonda's been doooown, she's been down, down, down!
We fly through the skies of Boston, whee! Dame Edna emerges from the Uni and begins to cough and gag in a rather disgusting manner. She spits something into the sink that pings musically, like a bullet hitting a spittoon. What nice tone her loogies have. Oh, Dame Edna, ew. She's in black and white fake Chanel today, with lots and lots of pearls. New Guy, Wilson Jade, the one with as much sex appeal as day-old Oscar Meyer baloney. Even "balogna" is sexier. Dame Edna, of course, says he's "lovely" and "wonderful" and sexually harasses him some more. Oh, please. Are your stupid glasses smeary? Is your wig cutting off circulation to your brain? This guy is so not hot, even my boyfriend asked incredulously, "Is this guy supposed to be hot?" Maybe, in a perfect world, he would be hot. But he's so very not. Nelle walks in, reminds the New Guy her name is Nelle, not Morgan, and if he needs anything, he can kiss her ass. He asks if he's in "the girl's room." Dame Edna says that here, they "don't distinguish between the sexes." He gives her a look like he can tell that just by looking at her. Oh, he could use some help on a case -- is Nelle a nice person? "Not at all," she says. Great, when she has a moment, could she come up to his office? Greaaat.
Miss Bump and her bigamist client, played by Heather Locklear, discuss her case. Both husbands need to be there, to show their support. Heather doesn't want to do any time. Miss Bump says they can't lose the case. The huge painting of Napoleon looks at them as they talk. Heather is all, is that painting of Napoleon looking at us? Nooo. Yes? Noo. Yes. It's John Cage. Miss Bump demands that he meet her in his hole "this instant!" John stammers and says, "Oh, balls."
Once in the hole, John says that what he was doing was "very benign peeping." Heather asks if he "live[s] inside the walls." Miss Bump, once again overwhelmed by the cuteness of John, grabs his face and calls him "a cute little stuffy," and "the best little lawyer." Yes he is! Yes he is! A wubba-wubba-wubba-woo! A wubba-woo! Heather says she isn't sure John likes being pinched like that. Why don't you show us how he'd liked to be pinched, then, the ex-Mrs. Tommy Lee? Maybe give him a big old Melrosian smack across the face, for old time's sake. Perhaps a hair-pulling fight in a swimming pool would be something John enjoys. And then, there's T.J. Hooker. Don a uniform and chase someone around, for fun. Oh, and could John help out with the bigamy case? The mariachis will let him go for a bit.
Heather perks up at the mention of mariachis. She always wanted to do that, but was rejected because she was a woman. Really? It wasn't the no-musical-talent thing? Because I've seen plenty of Mexican bands with women in them. Miss Bump, the focus off her, rolls her eyes and takes a seat. John asks that he not be mocked regarding the mariachi issue, and Heather insists she's serious; she even went to Mexico to live, briefly. John lights up like a cigar and is all, you deeed? Wow, ese. That is loco! They continue to bond over their mutual love of records by the Kingston Trio, because they sang lots of faux-Mexican standards. John points at his face and says, "Tom Dooley." Heather loves "Tom Dooley"! Christina says he sounds really Mexican. It's a song, duh! John says he used to pretend he was "Tom Dooley." Oh, did he used to hang down his head and cry? Aww. Heather reminds John that, in the song, Tom Dooley was hung by the neck until dead. John says he liked the crying part more. Miss Bump leaps to her tiny li'l feet and says, "Hey, square pants." Heather cocks her blonde head and asks if John will help in the case. Weeel he? He weeel.
Dear DEK: I know you know I think you suck. And you can continue to pretend to ignore these recaps. But, I think now that the end is near, I have to ask for a favor: it's time to drop the charade and just give me a freaking shout-out. What I want is for you to say my name. Don't act kinda shady, don't call me baby. You've been running game. Don't mutter about that fucking site that does recaps of all your shows and never gives you a break. Just say my name. It's Alex Richmond. Name a character after me, and run her over with a car if it'll make you feel better. Make Father Alex Richmond the name of the character that marries Victor and Ally. And give him a big glass of Jack Daniels. Since it's too late to fixie-fixie your show, why not just do it? It could be fun. Do it. Say my name. Say it! My will be done.
Nelle meets with the New Boring Guy. He's representing a wife suing her husband for sexual harassment. Oy, et cetera. New Guy can make them settle: (a) by proving that "she had a real bastard for a husband" and (b) because now she's got a real bastard for a lawyer.
They all sit at a table: Nelle, New Guy, wife, husband, husband's lawyer, and a person typing away, transcribing all things said. Kind of like a recapper, but probably without the jokes and snotty comments. The husband says that if making sexual advances on his wife equals oppression, he knows women that would kill to be oppressed like that. Poor unlaid men of the world, unite! The wife says "'Love, honor, and obey' doesn't include 'grope.'" And he goes on to say that he didn't cheat at least. He was looking for nooky with his betrothed, not just anyone. And when a husband complains he isn't getting enough sex? That's "foreplay." Ooh, yeah, baby. Why, nothing gets me hotter than hearing a man with an over-inflated sense of entitlement kvetch. Dude, if you want to get laid, use your tongue for something other than talking, if you know what I mean. He even wrapped his wiener in a slice of cheese and doused it in ketchup to try and get his wife to go down on him; he asked her to "have a quarter-pounder with cheese." Dude. Dude. That's just gross. It's called give and take. You just want to take without giving. Like DEK.
As Heather tries on John's mariachi hat and strikes head-tilt-y poses in the mirror, John and Miss Bump go over the merits of the case. The law is the law, he says, and bigamy is against the law. Miss Bump says in some states oral sex is against the law -- should people go to jail for that? John says this is a little more serious. Miss Bump gets pouty and asks if he doesn't take oral sex seriously. John stammers and flails his arms around, finally asking that she not try to rattle him as they're on the same side now. Oh, right. This week, they are on the same side. Heather asks if she can come watch. John says, since she's on trial, she's required to be present at the proceedings. Uh doy! But no: she meant she wants to see John wear the suit and sing mariachi. John suggests they concentrate on the case, since she could go to jail for this. Oooh! Heather's in troooou-ble!
What the fuck is up with this "begin to say good-bye" promo shit Fox is running? They should be playing "Taps" and digging the grave, already. Let FX show the reruns to celebrate. Fuck that fucking clip-show bullshit. What's my name, DEK?
Woo, we're flying though the air. We land at court. Heather was busted when it was discovered that she's legally married to two men -- she got hitched in Massachusetts and New Hampshire. John and Miss Bump do a little riffing, both leaping to their feet and insisting that the other ask their question first, then asking for a show of hands on who is confused in the court as to what the law is and "who they're protecting" with it. Judge Albert Hall, myself, and the audience are not amused.
In chambers, John and Miss Bump explain to Heather they they're trying to set a "tone" in court, illustrating "that the law is silly." John says if they can convince the jury of this, she won't be sent to jail. Wow, is this like a meta-statement DEK is trying to make, like, if the audiences think of his show as being silly, he won't get canceled? Ha ha ha ha ha! Absurd isn't silly. Silly isn't funny. This show is absurd. Heather's husbands come in and she kisses them both. They looked stressed and upset. She holds their faces and rubs their shoulders, proclaiming, "It's always hard on the husbands, isn't it." John and Miss Bump nod weakly. Wow, that's meta.
New Guy catches Dame Edna looking at him lustfully. He's all, can I help you? She looks even more longingly at him, and her lips beat. Oh, barf. Nelle breezes through the office with her sexually abused wife in tow, and they all retreat to her office.
Nelle says the husband offered $25,000. The wife says that is "nothing." New Guy says he can get more money. Nelle argues that men are supposed to come on to their wives, and that they won't get more money. New Guy says he can, and asks the wife to step outside so he can have a word with Nelle. He slams the door on Dame Edna's ever-hopeful face for emphasis. After he tells Nelle he can get more money because he's an evil scheming bastard of a lawyer, unconcerned with "merits," Nelle exits, and he slams the door on Dame Edna's face AGAIN. New Guy smirks. My god, we get it.
Heather's on the stand. She married one guy, her high school sweetheart, in 1982. They grew up together, and shared "childhood ideologies." He gets her in ways that no one else can. Then, in 1994, she married the other guy, whom she met on the job. They're both neurologists. And she can talk shop with the second guy. But she loves them both. They both complete her, see, while individually they each fall short. And, yeah, they both want to be married to her, too. The side for the prosecution steps up. Heather plays with him like a dog chasing a sparrow, ultimately saying that counsel shouldn't attempt to draw conclusions about her choice, and that she could be married to one and sleeping with the other and not be facing jail time. True dat. So, why sex with two different men, asks counsel? Heather asks if he can show that her choices in bed partners are relevant to the issues on trial. Well, can he? Can he can he can he? Miss Bump, awed, whispers to John that Heather is smarter than both of them. John shushes her. But, she's right. I have to ask why the police would even attempt to prosecute if they inadvertently stumbled across records finding a person was married to two different people. Like, don't they have bigger shit to worry about? Less sexy shit? Oh well.
Inside the Mexican Post, Heather talks with John and Miss Bump. She's a scientist, see, and she knows that no two people can sync up all their emotional, cognitive, and physical parts perfectly. So I guess the logical, scientific thing to do is to have more than one mate. At the same time. Why, science demands it be so! Jealousy is illogical. Live long and prosper. I am NOMAD. Et cetera. The band strolls out, warming up. Miss Bump says, "Break time's over, John." Heather claps her hands and says, "Yay!" Aww. She loves music. And metal! It's a proven scientific fact. She's married two rock stars, two! Whether they overlapped or not, I have no idea. The band begins to play "Tom Dooley." They make it really upbeat and happy. God, this show is odd.
John walks Heather to her door, saying that she can sing a song with the band whenever she wants. "Straight Mexican, or what? The band is kind of taken with The Kingston Trio now." Heather says, "Whatever!" How about a cover of The Stooges, "Search and Destroy"? That could be nice. John asks that she willingly dissolve one of her marriages, then plea out to avoid jail time. She refuses. She loves both her non-dead, non-gay husbands. And dissolving one of her marriages would be like a mother having to choose among her children. Wow, that is so not the same. Heather is all, "No one questions a parent's ability to love two children deeply, unconditionally. Why is it so absurd for a woman to love two men? It has nothing to do with nature. " Heather. Dude. It isn't about love. The issue and FACT is that it's illegal to be MARRIED to more than one person, except if you're in a church that promotes that sort of thing. Marriage has nothing to do with nature. SOCIETY has nothing to do with nature. Don't get all filibuster-y on me. Although I'm on your side, your argument is horse pockey. Yes, the law isn't always great, but maybe you work on changing the law first before living outside of it. Or, you know, just have relations with the two guys and NOT GET MARRIED, since it's love you keep blathering on about. Or, go join that church and rack up all the husbands you want, if they do it that way. Anyway, she wants to stay married to both her husbands. She says, "'Night" to John, looks at him longingly, and kisses tenderly him on the cheek. Heather, I dare you to make it three. John had sex with a whore to get laid -- he might marry a bigamist for the same reason! Just ask him.
John's in Richard's office, telling him of his Hots for Heather. He says she has a "way" and a "mellifluous voice." What, no mention of the legs and the rest? How about her whip-smart brain, hidden underneath all that blonde hair? Richard suggests John marry her, since everyone else has. Hee. John says, almost as a non sequitur, that Heather "isn't promiscuous." Um, yeah. So? Richard said get married, not just bone her. And John loves her toned, supple arms. "She has the forearm of a newborn's mother. That's it! It's the love-muscle of a newborn's mother!" What? She has the arm of a baby's what now? Is that better than a baby's arm?
New Guy is asking Nelle to be "nice" to the bastard husband for him. Nelle isn't comfortable with pretending and leading a guy on like that, but she'll do it anyway. New Guy strides out exchanging a word with Richard. "Jade." "Fish." Richard asks Nelle if New Guy is "any good." Nelle says she isn't sure, but will let Fish know if Jade has the stuff. Dude, who cares? Four more episodes, woo!
The prosecution introduces a new witness. John objects three times. Miss Bump chimes in with one of her own. Judge Albert Hall will allow it. And, hey, it's Lara Flynn Boyle, playing someone other than Helen Gamble. Who is she, asks John? Heather says, "Oh, no. An ex...friend." They worked together, at Beth Israel hospital, and were roommates six years ago. Opposing counsel asks if they were lovers. John objects strenuously. Judge Albert Hall says he will tape John's mouth shut.
Later, after John's mouth is taped shut, LFB testifies to the fact that, though they are both "heterosexuals" and not at all gay, they were very close friends who came to the consensus that "no one knows how to touch a woman better than another woman. Erotic is soft and gentle. Sometimes delicate." And Heather has "the most delicate touch on earth." LFB "contract[s] just looking at her." But remember, she's a heterosexual. Even though the best sex she ever had was with a woman. Okay. Okay, DEK, you are clearly a titillation whore. How many people, do you think, just got off on the image of LFB and Heather Locklear touching each other? I won't venture a guess. And still, your shit gets canceled. You know why? When people tune in to Fox at 9 PM, they aren't looking for nudity-free soft-core voice-over parodies. They can rent that at the store. Maybe you deliver some tinglies now and then, with the casting and innuendo, but guess what? The people have spoken. They can get porn on-line. From TV, they want the funny. And you're not bringing it. What's my name?
New Guy, Nelle, and the husband's lawyer meet. New Guy says he'll let the whole world (including the husband's co-workers and "girlfriend") know about the quarter-pounder-with-cheese thing. Yeah, an open trial will do that. New Guy "relish[es]" describing in court the idea that the husband wanted to "hold the mayo." Nelle holds her tongue, then when New Guy leaves, advises the lawyer that she'll work on getting New Guy to settle.
John, Heather, and Miss Bump roll into chambers before cross-examining LFB. John says LFB hurt their case. Miss Bump is all, "How?" How? HOW? Heather insists that she "doesn't get off on touching other heterosexual women," ha ha, even though like millions of guys will sure get off because she said she did. John says that she has to appear not to be "aberrant" in any way to the jury in order to win. And that he wants to plea out. Heather says no, because she's "willing to accept the jury's verdict, but not [his]." The piano is sad. Heather exits. Miss Bump says she "may be short," but she thinks Heather likes John. Ooh, does that mean more touching? Spare me.
More unpretty postcards of Boston-by-air. Nelle and Miss Bump have a little tete-a-tete in which Nelle reveals she was upset by Miss Bump snooping on-line at Nelle's -- real name Morgan's -- birth certificate, until she did a little snooping of her own and found out that Miss Bump's real name is Debbie. Then she says "Debbie" like thirty times. Dude, Debbie isn't that heinous. Miss Bump looks crushed.
The Uni. Dame Edna is stretched across the tops of several stalls, attempting to peep in at New Guy. He's in the stall across from the stalls Dame Edna is staked out on. God, this show is stupid.
Closing arguments for Heather's case. Prosecution says Heather knowingly broke the law by marrying another man while she was already married. He gooses the jury a bit by reminding them of their sworn, solemn duty to uphold the law. Bum bum buuum! Miss Bump and John do another bit of business of oh-are-you-going-to-close? I-thought-I-was-going-to-close? Eenie, meenie, miney, mo...John goes with, "Silly trial, silly law. Government policing our personal lives. These are no longer the times of Ozzie and Harriet! Times have changed, and they have to!" If you say so, you silly little man. Heather never committed insurance or tax fraud, or gained financially from her two marriages. Do we punish her for loving too much? Is she "really a criminal?" Well, technically, yes. She is. Go on, jury. Cancel the show. I mean, "find Heather guilty."
Nelle and New Guy forced the husband to settle for -- holy shit! -- $225,000! Jesus, that's a lot of cabbage. And it was all New Guy's "sleazy, scummy blackmail" threat that did it. Great. New Guy congratulates Nelle for not having a heart of gold inside. Nelle says she "appreciates that." He leaves, saying, "Until we scheme again." Poor Nelle. I'll be her friend.
The jury finds Heather guilty. Miss Bump points a finger at the foreman and yells, "FIX!" Hee. The judge gives her three months of jail time, "all suspended." The gavel bangs. Hooray! Only four more episodes left!
The Mexican place. The band plays "The Man Who Never Returned." Heather is in a mariachi outfit, singing voicelessly, sharing the spotlight with John. She looks happy. I guess the Bar is being dressed for Dame Edna's wedding, because the whole office is present, knocking back margaritas. Nelle calls Miss Bump "Debbie" again. Dame Edna and Miss Bump exchange insults. Dame Edna is a "big woman," while Miss Bump is a "little hobbit" and a "pip-squeak." Richard asks Nelle if it's okay that the New Guy sticks around. Dude, he just took in $225 Gs, and you have to ask Nelle? My god. The band plays on.
Still in their outfits but holding their sombreros, Heather and John walk down the "Boston" "streets." John calls Heather "a good singer." Ha ha ha. And where are Heather's husbands? "Busy." But she's happy to spend an evening with "Tom Dooley." She says she can relate to his hole, too. And would he like to have dinner, maybe? John says yeah, he would, but he has to say no. Because he's scared he'll fall in love with her. She says, "They say good things come in threes." He says her life isn't his life. And, after a sweet, sexless goodnight peck, she's off. But she lets him keep her hat, to remember her by. The door closes after her, and Vonda starts singing that "poor boy, you're bound to die" song. Poor show. You're going to die.