Previously: There was no Ally McBeal for many weeks. I exhaled. Oh, and Ally met Jon Bon Jovi, and her real genetic daughter, and became a mom. In that order. John became "a part-time Biscuit." Ally was made partner. Maddie, the daughter, had a slumber party and asked for a demo on french kissing, with Ally and Victor (JBJ) as volunteers. Victor bobbed his head like one of those dorky bobble-head rock-star dolls. Ally said she and Victor would never work as a couple since they "come from two different worlds" -- the normal world (Victor), and the crazy, insane, no-fun world (Ally). Remember Claire Otoms? Dame Edna? She's a "sexual predator," and got canned from her last job because she sexually harassed everyone she came across...er...you know, worked with. Ally told Richard Fish he had to cut back on staff. He hired Dame Edna. Ally said she needed to hire an attorney. Ally tried to fire Victor. Then she called him a "big turd" and tries to ask him out. Why, he asked? Because, Ally (rolling her eyes, sneering) likes him! Duh! "Go to hell!" You working-class goon, JBJ! Then she laughed at him, and said he can pick her up in his truck. What a lengthy and yet incomplete "previously." I'm already annoyed. And whomever wrote in to ask Tubey why I'm so mean? Bite me.
Oh, Mr. Daniels. Jack. Hello. We haven't been together in quite some time. It's nice to see you. Jack? Can I ask you something? Why is it we only get together when there's something wrong? What's that? Nothing's wrong? Well, maybe it's more like something's not right. Something's...off. And you help me get through it. This time on Monday night, I mean. You stay here with me, all amber and warm, and you give me support. Thanks, Jack. Yes, that is Barry White you hear playing. It's a song often used on Ally McBeal: "My First, My Last, My Everything." And see the rich sunset over Boston, as we fly over it in the air? That's nice, too. Mellow. Soft. Mmm, Jack. I love it when you caress my lips like that. What? Oh, that's Ally, taking a steam, so it seems. She's sighing. She seems relaxed. I'm getting there, too. Oh, is that JBJ with her? So, I guess they're getting snuggly together after all, even though last time she rejected him. Oh, wait, she's surprised to see him. Oh, he's demanding that they do it. Oh, ew, now they're kissing. And kaboom, now she's awake, in her office, explaining her dream to Dame Edna. Jack, we have to talk. You're just not...it isn't...you'd better just go. I thought I needed you, and you know what? I really just have to do this alone. It isn't fair to keep you here. It isn't right. I'm really sorry. I'll just have this one last gulp and we'll be over. Goodbye, my amber prince. We may meet again.
Ally tells Dame Edna that she's "not in control again." ¿Que? "Usually" Ally "can manipulate [her] unconsciousness," which is news to me, but this time she can't (again, news to me). And she and JBJ? Coming up on the third date, or, "the 'sex' date." Dame Edna's head morphs into JBJ's, and she asks in her Aussie voice, what is Ally scared of? Ally believes the sex will be good, as she stutters, "I do, I do, I do, I do." But she doesn't want to fall in love with JBJ. Dame Edna says something about JBJ "snorkeling" his way up to Ally's "cockles." Ally says Dame Edna has a way with words. Yeah, something like that. Finally, Dame Edna lets Ally have it: Ally's an elitist snob who can't let herself love JBJ because he's a plumber. Since he "fiddles with pipes for a living, why not let him have a wee go at" Ally's? The violins pluck; Ally purses her lips, pondering the point; and we have teaser closure. Thank the lord.
Vonda's been doooown, she's been down, down, down!
Aerial shot of Boston. You know what to do. We land at the firm, in a staff meeting. Nelle describes her case du jour: a female executive got bounced for not attending her "Bully Broad" class. A "feminization class," so I'm told. Dude, does this class need teachers? I am available. Ray, the squinty overgrown frat boy, says he knows the opposing counsel on this case, and that Nelle is in trouble. Her name is Bump. Lolita Bump. Oh please, can "Lolita" be a shout-out to me? Best book ever. Very depressing. I really love it. Lo-lee-tah. Bump. Nah, it's not a shout-out. Just a stupid DEK thing. Both Corretta and Ally have heard of Bump and nod shakily. Ray says expoistionally that Miss Bump is twenty-one, petite, went though high school in two years, and now "goes through anyone like butter." Nelle is all, she's not going up against ME like butter. Maybe apple butter? Ally brings up some piece of business (she's going to hire another litigator, some guy named Todd), and Richard is all, that's good, and good luck on the date tonight! The sex date, dontcha know! Ally raises one finger pointedly, and makes a motion that, her voice getting higher in pitch and faster and faster, the personal lives of partners not be brought up in staff meetings. Ray gives the motion a thumbs-down, but Ally's "aye" has it passed. Then, she asks to have a moment with Richard.
Richard and Ally march into Richard's office. Dismissing his apology, Ally asks that Richard get John Cage back. Because this Lolita chick is FIERCE, baby. Can the trial be pushed back to...tomorrow? Ooh, a whole day? Well, says Richard, John isn't away in Mexico. He's working in a Mexican restaurant. Three people have seen him while dining there. Now, I know in Philly, where there are like five Mexican joints (sad but true), it is not entirely unlikely that a high-powered lawyer would lose his shit and get a job slinging hot plates of enchiladas. I've seen it happen. In fact, one of my fave taco shacks is run by an ex-lawyer, who stutters a lot and loves Barry White. Just kidding. It's entirely unlikely such a thing would happen. The few Mexican restaurants that are not owned and staffed by Mexicans are too lame for me ever to visit. I'm just messing with you, now. Dame Edna clucks on in, wearing yet another horrifically fake never-was-a-Chanel- in-your-wildest-dreams day-glo nightmare. She says she got laid the night before (or, in her vernacular, "played tunnels and trains"), and is GETTING MARRIED! Whoop-de-doo! Richard rises to his feet and stammers, "You played tunnels and trains with someone?" Dame Edna thanks Ally for "inspiring [her] to do rude things" with this guy she's going to marry, who will come into the office and meet everyone later on. Hooray for that. Oh, and have Ally and Victor "had a chafing of the loins yet?" No. But Ally thanks her for asking. Me, I want to poke my eyes out with a spoon, because the asking is so very gross.
Matthew Perry is poking around Ally's office, looking at the stupid tiny toys on her desk and eating her stupid jelly beans. He mugs hugely after eating a stupid jelly bean. Dude. There are no jelly beans on earth that taste that bad. Even those annoying Jelly Bellys don't come in Ass flavor -- yet. Save the canned hambone action for that other stupid show you're on which we don't recap. Or maybe this is a reference to his rumored pill-popping tendencies? Could I be more annoyed by Matthew Perry's too-familiar tics? Oh, my bad, he's only been on screen for fifteen seconds. I could probably be more annoyed than this. I don't want to be, but the odds are not in my favor. Anyway, he's performing some kind of corporate head game in which he, the "woo-ee," is visiting the "woo-er" to see how desirable the position offered may be, but without the formal structure of the interview they have scheduled. For tomorrow. He spits the offending jelly bean into his hand, then back into his mouth as he offers Ally his hand to shake. She stands stern, arms folded, barking at him that the appointment was for tomorrow, and she'll see him them, sans baseball cap. He's all smiling, bemused, thinking he's smarter than she is, and asking, "YOU'RE Ally McBeal? Senior partner? Do you ever get to court, Ms. McBeal?" What a douche. She crisply sends him on his goofy way, and no sooner than he's gone does Elaine pop her head in the door, wondering if Ally couldn't have been nicer, since the firm wants to hire this douche. Ally is all, "Who does he think he is?" Since the confident are rarely seen within the walls of Fish and McBeal. Elaine says coyly that she "think[s] he knows who he is."
Cue the Mariachi players. No, really. No, really. Lights up on the most clichéd Mexican restaurant you've ever seen in your life. Big huge paper flowers. Triple-tiered skirts and lacy red aprons on the lady waitrons. Tight black cabellero pants on the hombres. Dude, where's my piñata? Nelle and Richard sit at a table. She repeats firmly that she can beat this Lolita person, and that she's heard Lolita "does better against men!" She did in the book, for sure. Richard dismisses her, saying that John is the best litigator they have at the firm. He shoos away the waiter who comes, asking for "a little one that stutters." Then, they see the band. Ai-yai, yai-yai. DEK, you overdid it. John isn't with the band. He's in the band. With maracas. And a honkin' sombrero. He sees his former co-workers, and hollers, "Ai-yai-yai!" Then, they go into a rendition of "The Mexican Hat Dance." Please kill me.
Dame Edna is lecturing Ally, saying there's no rule that Ally and JBJ "have to have sex." No, but horny JBJ fans have been tuning in for weeks now. You really want to piss them off? Well, do ya? Ally tells Dame Edna that, the other day -- which didn't happen, people; they're just throwing footage at you to make it appear that something is developing between JBJ and Ally when it isn't -- they went out to a "nice restaurant," and JBJ wore a coat and tie (what is he, a little kid? She's marveling because an adult male wore a "coat and tie"?), and they were getting all ready to have their first kiss. Her heart was beating. Her lips were beating. And thanks to the oh-so-tired and overused technology that can make babies dance and dogs' lips move, her lips really do appear to beat. JBJ, feeling the jitters, gets lip-beats too. Dame Edna, as she listens, also beats her lips. Ew. Then, in walks Dame Edna's guy. Her sweet Jerome. He's very professorial, with a bow tie, wire-rimmed glasses, and tan corduroy jacket. They seem very happy, have been together three months, and for the millionth time in case you missed it, are getting married. Jerome casually asks, "How'd the sex with Victor go?" Um, it didn't. Yet. Jerome? Shut up. Oh, and isn't three months too early to get married? Ally? Shut up.
John "The Beescuit" Cage, sombrero still on his head, strokes his tiny elfin chin -- so cute, that chin, like a plate of menudo! -- and says he did go to Mexico. For a day. Then, he "got dysentery in Hour Twelve," and besides, there "was none of the simple sunlit charm, the sequins and mariachis, that [the restaurant] had." Richard starts to wrangle: they need him to face this Lolita. She's vicious. John says, "Nelle's vicious." Nelle smiles and thanks him. Poor Nelle. John says he has "heard tales of this Lolita." Richard says he saw fire in John's eye. Does this mean he's coming back? John removes his hat with as much gravity as that ridiculous act will allow -- and it bears repeating, Peter MacNicol is a great actor to do this piece of business without making a total ass of himself -- and says he'll do "eet." Bells chime. Fish says, "Gracias." The Beescuit? "De nada."
Ally is now tailing Dame Edna. She's getting married on Saturday? Isn't that kind of fast? Didn't you say that already? Richard walks up, and Ally asks him to draw up a pre-nup, stat, since Dame Edna "has money and Jerome doesn't." Ally is suspicious, and Richard is "the maid of honor." The elevator doors slide open, and off walks Christina Ricci, who looks positively elfin to La Flockheart. All those rumors of her being a chubette? Poof, gone. She never was, and certainly is not now. She's a lovely, teeny-weeny itty-bitty cute l'il thing. Even in that icky pinstriped suit! Why, I just want to pick her up and go like this! A wubba-wubba-wubba-wubba-woo! A-wubba-woo! Then I will feed her many donuts, tie a ribbon around her neck, and lead her to my garden to have a tea party. Christina Ricci perkily asks the whereabouts of Nelle; Ally and Richard dazedly direct her; and she's off. Liza Bump, don't you know. Lo. Lee. Tah.
Once inside John Cage's office, Miss Liza Bump pinches John's cheeks to death, since he looks so cute in his mariachi outfit. She says Nelle's cute, too. And Liza goes for older guys! But not this much older. And, they can't win the case. It was a proper dismissal. So why not settle? $250, and they'll buy dinner. Nelle says $1 million, and Miss Bump can buy the dinner. Miss Bump petulantly asks that they pleeease not go to trial, because she isn't prepared! Right. Nelle asks that she choose. The Fabulous Miss Bump says, "Eenie, meenie, minie, mo. Trial!" It. Is. AWWWWN.
Aerial shot of Boston at twilight. We land at the offices of Fish & McBeal. Inside Richard's office, he and Corretta lecture Dame Edna on pre-nups. Dame Edna had mentioned "protection" to her sweet Jerome, and he "put on a condom." Yeah, sounds logical. Corretta says she'd hate to see Dame Edna be forced to pay alimony or a "big amount." Dame Edna interrupts her, and says Jerome "will blink" at that. No, he really will. He has a disorder that makes him blink. Then, Dame Edna blinks. Corretta -- in a rather ugly floral jacket -- says that she and Richard will approach Jerome about the pre-nup, which will make it seem like it isn't coming from Dame Edna. Whatever.
Ally and JBJ nosh at an intimate restaurant. I love the lilac lamps on the tables. JBJ says "things feel a little stiff." Heh. He means Ally is tense. "Maybe we should bring Maddie along on our dates," he says. Ally takes the defensive with neck-breaking swiftness, suggesting that in eight years, Maddie will be JBJ's "type" with a "tight little body." Sick! JBJ shrugs and looks put-apon, which he is. Ally apologizes. JBJ says it's okay, and what the hell is wrong? Third Date Syndrome. JBJ is all, ah, the Sex Date. Jesus, just wait some more if you're both so tense. Fuck these Cosmo modern sex date rules. Wait for ten dates. Wait until you're both so horny you can't wait a minute longer. Just don't stick it in on Date Three because you think you're supposed to, for fuck's sake. Oh, Ally has another concern: Maddie, the destined-to-be- tempting-teen in ten years time, is becoming "invested" in JBJ and Ally's relationship, and wants to see them together. So, the pressure is on. And Ally doesn't want to "blow [JBJ]." Oops, she means "it." She doesn't want to "blow it." Sirens go off when she makes her oral gaffe. JBJ raises his hands up to his face and says uncle: they "won't have sex tonight." But he's "not going anywhere," either. Aww.
Court. John examines his witness: a brunette in a pinstriped suit and a too-tight bun says she's "a tough executive." But not a bully. And she was fired because her co-workers found her "bitchy," not for her job performance. Who asks women to take anti-bully classes, anyway? John asks that she describe her "wrongful dismissal" some more. Christina Ricci leaps to her teeny feet and says, "Hell-ooo! Leading!" John asks that counsel rise before declaring her objection. The Fabulous Miss Bump asks if he's really calling her short, because that would be like the pot and kettle, you know. John throws his nose whistle over to her ski-jump action. She touches it, taken aback. Judge Albert Hall asks that she be seated. Score one for John. Miss Bump steps up. "Anti-assertiveness...." Was she a bully? No? But she did stand up to her boss on the issue of training? Okay. And, is that her husband sitting there in the courtroom, looking bespectacled and henpecked? Yes. Miss Bump has no further questions, and blows a kiss at the husband.
Nelle rushes to catch up with Miss Bump after court is adjourned to ask if Miss Bump really thinks she can win this case? Uh doy, she does! But if "Nil" wants to settle, Lolita will throw in another fifty Gs. Nelle is all, no way. Well, "Null," Lolita will toss in another fifty Gs just because "Stuffy," a.k.a. John, is so derned cute. Nelle asks if she's ever "seen the Stuffy in court." No, but she's heard. And, "Eenie, meenie, I'm a weenie! Trial." Miss Bump marches off, wiggling her wee ass in her white suit -- to spite Nelle, no doubt.
Ally sits down to have her meeting with Matthew Perry. She says he'll have equity at Fish and McBeal faster than he will at any other law firm in town. He says he'll need a junior associate working under him. She looks peeved, and jots down a note. He asks if she's listening to him. She takes a beat, then looks up, confusedly, and asks, "What?" She seems "bored." Should he "be spicing up his answers?" After all, she asked him to come in. Is it that she's distracted with the sex date, and all? Ally gets clipped. Matthew Perry says that "people talk, especially in your Unisex." Since he'll be working for her, a young Senior Partner with a house and a kid, and a jumbled personal life that shows she has no male partner and possibly bad dealings with men, she's showing herself to be "alpha female type A." Ally says her personal life won't ever be his concern, and did it ever occur to him that she might be gay? Matthew Perry says gay women don't send him "you're cute" signals like the ones she's been shooting his way ever since they met. She says she did not. He says she did too. She says she did not. He says she did too. Et cetera. Finally, she tells him to "get out." So he's not hired? "OUT!" He stands up and says he "never interviews well," and the violins pluck.
Corretta and Richard have a sit-down with Dame Edna and her Sweet Jerome. "A pre-what?" he asks. "Nup," says s/he. He blinks, upset. He thought they had a love like no other -- and now she wants to prepare for its failing? He blinks, but not cartoonishly, thank god. He pushes his chair away from the desk, and says he'll sign whatever. Aww. He's hurt.
Miss Bump steps off the elevator, looking for John. She has something personal to tell him. It's that she can no longer deny her sexual attraction to him. And since she can't deny it to herself, she won't deny it to him. She hopes this isn't distracting to him in court, and apologizes. He wrinkles his nose, and Nelle positively sneers at her. Miss Bump re-boards the elevator, sharing the car with none other than the sweet, despondent Jerome. He looks sad; she notices. Could she help? She's "good at helping people." He looks intrigued. Oh, no.
Matthew Perry pokes his head into Ally's office. He calls her "Al." Aw, my dad calls me Al. Shout-out? Nah. Matthew Perry apologizes; he's dated a single mom and it fell apart at the same point where Ally and JBJ are at the moment. So, "When a woman overcomplicates things, it hits a nerve." Dude, are you still trying to get a job? Don't lawyers have shit to do other than describe their fucked-up non-sex lives to each other? Ally feigns warmth and an apology, then lays into him. She isn't overcomplicating things: "This is complicated!" Ally doesn't know if she's falling for JBJ or falling for Maddie falling for JBJ. Is she pursuing her happiness or her daughter's happiness? Matthew Perry opens and closes his mouth like a fish, bored with her yammering. Ally waggles her finger back and forth and calls him a "dope." And adds, "Get OUT!" Matthew Perry says Ally should! get out! "After the fight, the girl always runs out!" Ally looks steamed. He slinks away, and says he'll see her. God, I hate this show. Let me put it in haiku form:
Stupid gender roles
Repackaged. Not "comedy."
Please write something else.
The court of Judge Albert Hall is in session. The guy who fired his female exec for being a bitch is on the stand. Nelle questions him. He sent her to the seminar to learn how to become "softer," so she would be "more liked," since some men complained about working for her. Did he ever send any men to such a seminar? No. Because he never got any complaints about them. Because it's okay for a man to be a tough boss, but not a woman? In a way. John sneaks looks at Miss Bump.
Miss Bump steps up to cross. If women are too soft, they get punished, too, yes? The guy doesn't follow. Miss Bump drapes herself on John's lap, spritzes herself with perfume, leans over him and runs her hand up his leg to illustrate ways in which women can (unfairly) use their femininity in the workplace to advantage. John asks the record to reflect that she "just grazed [his] Johnson." So, where does the witness draw the line between being too imperious and being a flirt machine? The guy says, when the woman exec is deeply hated, it's time to go to the seminar. That's all.
Ally's house. A very very very fine house. She's hired an old lady baby-sitter, who just turns up the volume on the TV when Ally tries to give her instruction on Maddie's nighttime routine. Ally asks Maddie if she's "being worse than Bonnie," what with going out all the time. Maddie says it's only two nights, and besides, "if it works out with Victor, it'll all be worth it!" But it may not work out with Victor. Maddie knows. The baby-sitter shushes them, and the doorbell buzzes. It's Victor, here for Date #4, another non-sex date. Yawn.
Nelle yells at John for allowing Miss Bump to "totally control" him in court. She needs the Biscuit: "Where's the Biscuit?!" Miss Bump walks in, saying that sounds like a fun game. Oh, and she's representing Jerome, because the firm of Cage, Fish and McBeal drove a wedge of distrust between him and his woman, Dame Edna. Oh, boy. And, she's ready to settle on the other case. The details John can hear about at her gym, at 9 PM. Then they "can put this whole matter to bed." She tilts her head at him, then spins and marches out. Nelle says they have "to get that bitch." John says no worries: "She's a bagel." Um, "toast." He meant to say "toast." The violins play, and Nelle looks at John funny.
Aerial shot of Boston at night. We land at the bar. Vonda's singing "In the Still of the Night." Not to be confused with In the Heat of the Night, a show I can actually deal with watching once in a while. Corretta, Richard, Dame Edna, and her sweet Jerome share a table. Dame Edna says she doesn't know why Jerome is getting all upset, since she "dropped the request." He says it brings up old wounds -- and does she think their relationship is purely physical? Richard spit-takes widely. Dame Edna likes "the quiet moments together," not just "the hot dogs and buns." Another spit-take. Sigh.
Gym. John walks in and sees Miss Bump in her brief, midriff-baring work-out clothes, sweaty and happy to see him. God, she's thin. So petite and little! She asks that he join her in the hot tub to discuss the details of the settlement. He "can get trunks in Reception." Ew, communal swim trunks. She bounces off (not at all literally), and he hums nervously. Then he eyes up the massive tattooed dude on the StairMaster nearby, and makes his humming more macho, grabs a weightlifting belt, and heads off to share swim trunks.
Still another aerial shot of Boston at night. Vonda sings again, some more. Ally and JBJ slow-dance. They discuss moving the action offstage somewhere. Ally suggests her place, since she "had a lock installed on her bedroom door." JBJ is all, Ally? I installed it. Oh, yeah. They snuggle, then Ally sees Matthew Perry having a Michelob at the bar. She pulls away and peers at him intently. Well, tonight was made for Michelob. JBJ asks what's the matter, and Ally is all, oh, nothing, it's just that maybe there are greener pastures over there in smart-alecky lawyer form, oh working-class guy I don't want to have sex with yet.
Hot tub. Get ya wet! Hot tub. Make ya sweat! Yeow! Hot tub! Miss Bump reclines in her gingham halter-top swimsuit. I'm guessing it's by Trashy Lingerie in L.A. John says this isn't how he usually does business, and steps into the hot tub with his robe on. It's hot, he points out. Miss Bump says she has three female execs who love the Bully Broad program, and since John's client refused even to try it, well...John says "it's gender-biased and [his client] was under no obligation to try it." Miss Bump asks for John's foot, then pulls him underwater. He emerges, sputtering that she tried to drown him. Wow, is John rattled or something? she wonders. John says "talk chicken or [he's] gone." He meant to say "turkey."
Lights up on the "streets" of "Boston." Barry White makes some more money as "Love Serenade" plays. Ally and JBJ walk inside her house. The antiquated baby-sitter is watching a Ron Popeil infomercial. Hair in a can. It really works. Ahem. Ally remarks that she pays $15 an hour for "these watchful eyes," and then she doesn't even turn around to see who walks in the door. Ally goes over to the sitter, shakes her gently, and the remote drops to the floor. Don't tell mom, the baby-sitter's dead. The music gets scary. Extreme close-up on the baby-sitter's face. Dude, is that DEK's mom? What a fucked-up cameo.
Hot tub! Miss Bump rubs John's feet. She says she'll settle the case for over five hundred Gs, and file some of it under emotional distress so the client can take $350,000 tax-free. John says she forgot about "punies." She drops his foot and swims over to him, saying she loooves that word -- it's how she refers to herself. "Puny." Did anyone ever call John puny? "Not with good results, no," he says. She caresses his head, saying she thinks he's trying to take advantage of her. He denies it. Wham, she pulls him under the water. He blubs to the surface, exclaiming, "My Johnson!" They stand up in the tub, facing each other. She offers $400,000 and calls him "a tease." He leaves indignantly, his robe sodden.
Ally, Maddie, and JBJ watch as the EMS folks remove the dead baby-sitter. How did rigor mortis set in so quickly? Ally wonders. JBJ says she died right after they left for their date. Maddie guesses she "checked out during Fear Factor." Most audiences do. The EMS guys lose their grip on the dead baby-sitter, and almost drop her onto Maddie and Ally, who scream. Hey, what's green and sits in the corner? A dead baby-sitter. A joke not lamer than this segment of Ally McBeal. Maddie asks Ally for a kitten. Ally sends her to bed, then tells JBJ that she "wants the sex part over with." Everyone in the room -- the cops, the EMS people -- stop what they're doing and look at the lady who just said she wants the sex part over with. Ally is all, what, you never heard a woman say she wants the sex part over with? I can't go on. And yet, I will. I must. I'm getting paid to do so.
Oh my god, we're only fifty-eight minutes in. Damn you, DEK! Damn you and your two-hour Very Special Ally Event! Richard and Corretta are listening as Miss Bump describes Jerome's case against them. She says she knows this firm has problems with love, since no one is in a relationship or "can even get a date." Which may be why they broke up Dame Edna and her sweet Jerome. Why, the senior partner can't even decide if she can get past first base with a plumber. And she gets so sentimental! Boo hoo hoo! Richard melts. Corretta rolls her eyes. Miss Bump tightens Richard's tie, and tucks the end of it deep into his shirt, making him gasp in excitement. Oh, ew. Miss Bump says that if they don't advise Dame Edna anymore, she'll drop the case; then she sashays out in her white mini-suit. Corretta gasps, "She's vicious!" Richard just gasps and keeps on popping his tiny boner.
Aerial shot of Boston by day. We land in the motion-to-dismiss courtroom with Richard, Corretta, Dame Edna and her sweet Jerome, and no Christina Ricci. Richard says she has no case and it's rude of her not to even appear, and the she rushes in apologizing -- she's in trial on the third floor and came up during her break. She isn't suing a law firm for providing legal advice; it's because they didn't advise Jerome to get his own counsel, and pushed for the pre-nup against the will of Dame Edna. Judge is all, "Is this true"? Well, yes. Miss Bump calls for a sidebar. She'll drop the case if everyone in the firm stops advising Dame Edna on whether to marry Jerome: "The pre-nup is moot." Judge says that seems fair. Cage, Fish and McBeal are "gagged" from trying to talk Dame Edna out of getting hitched. John smiles at Miss Bump. She blows him off. Sucker. God, why is each scene in this show like a minute long? I can never get my groove on. It's like recappus interruptus. Give me a long scene, please.
Cage, Fish and McBeal. Ray tells Ally none of his former colleagues will jump ship to this shithole. And that Todd guy? "Didn't work out," says Ally. Then, he's standing there, Matthew Perry, in all his armor. Can she have a moment? Sure. You have sixty seconds left. He begins: "My therapist says the inner me is...." Ally finishes his thought: "A dick?" Ooh, potty mouth! What is this, Sex & The City? God, I wish. He says that's the word. And Ally helps bring forth his "dickedness." He gives the word some real Chandler-esque English. You know, upward rising inflection, head tilt, invisible air quotes. Could he be another character beside Chandler? The answer is no. So, He's "dick-ed" because Ally is The Girl For Him. She pushes his buttons. She's feisty, crazy. Everything he digs. He's asking her out. And since she can't get past first base with the plumber guy, well, where's the harm in that? Ally is concerned with her daughter's well-being, and Ally isn't even a practical person! "Never has been, never will be," she adds. Ally rises and leaves her office. Matthew Perry yells after her, "Look at her go. Girl!" Hee, he said "go girl." Ally returns, and points her bony girl arm in the silent, universal gesture of "go." He says she's going to have to learn "to ignore what [he] says last." I can do that.
In the court of Judge Albert Hall, a stern woman is on the stand, testifyin' to the virtues of the Bully Broad classes. She says she was hated and had problems with her staff, until the class enlightened her to the fact that she was a "woman in a man's world, trying to act like a man." She could just act like a woman, see. No. No, I don't see. So after the class, she related better to her co-workers and productivity went up. And executives are sent to seminars all the time. This one took only a "puny" amount of time. Did someone say "puny"? Miss Bump wheels and stares at John. John chokes on his water, then yells at the quivering Miss Bump, like she's "Heidi" about to cry at Bambi. "Move to...oh, forget it." The witness says Miss Bump is fighting tears because lawyers are supposed to be tough and hide their feelings. But women can show their feelings. Let it out, honey. Miss Bump wails. Judge Hall asks for a ten-minute break.
Richard, Corretta, Dame Edna, and Jerome meet. It's tense. Dame Edna and Jerome squabble, and finally he says he'll "take [his] champagne and christen another yacht!" Oh, fucking hell. I wish he had said he'd give his string of pearls to another. That would have been even more gross. Dame Edna splits, and Richard enlightens Jerome to the fact that chicks don't like to be called "yachts." We prefer "chicks."
Knock, knock, it's JBJ, at Ally's office door. Everything's fine. But why haven't they had sex yet? Well, because Ally is "over thinking it." And, she's a retard. Oh my god, JUST DO IT ALREADY. I don't care if it's supposed to be a two-hour "event." We're at one hour and 11 minutes and I CAN'T STANDS NO MORE. Stick it in. Put some motion in the ocean. Make the baby. See the tree? Go sit in it. JBJ asks her for lunch, and then after, maybe some sex? Great. See you later.
Nelle takes the cross: how has the Bully Broad seminar made the witness a better leader? By teaching her to act weak, a.k.a., playing up emotions like the boo-hoo display seen earlier? The witness can see Nelle is "frustrated," but doesn't take the bait.
In chambers, the too-tough female exec decides that her lawyers suck. She wants the 400 Gs Miss Bump offered, and "out" of this case. Mm-hmm.
Ally wants to know what happened with Dame Edna and her sweet Jerome. The wedding is off? Yeah, and there was a lawsuit, too. Dame Edna is in the Unisex. Ally goes to find her, pokes her head to look underneath the stalls, and wham, gets beaned by none other than Matthew Perry, who just popped in to use the Unisex, I guess.
Matthew Perry carries Ally through the office in his arms. She giggles, like she's drunk. Maybe he done knocked her brains loose. JBJ exits the elevator, sees this tableau, and looks bemused. Ally introduces her two dudes to each other. Have they met? Giggle giggle! Yeah, they just did. Matthew Perry carries her to her couch. JBJ follows.
Ally, still acting drunk, insists that these two men want to "bed [her] down," and that she's "really good in bed." She says she wants to "hang a sign around [her] neck that says, "you've seen [her] dance, now see [her] fornicate." Oh, and she "sniffed Victor's ass once." Elaine says the doctor is coming. The sounds of birdies chirping and violins plucking mean it's the end of the scene.
Nelle, John, and Miss Bump meet in chambers. She's taking the offer of $400,000 off the table, since she's so sexually attracted to John, it might seem like she's doing them favors. Besides, she's winning. John's trying this case like a mariachi, she says. The offer is down to $200,000. And if Nelle and John stew for longer than the end of the day, it goes down to one. Sigh. She played them like a violin. John says he's going to get her. He doesn't say in what capacity.
Jerome is rehearsing in the bar, singing "Jump Shout and Boogie" with the band. Corretta comes in, smiling. Jerome's a good singer. He sees her and calls for the band to stop. She asks what the party's for: is the wedding back on? No -- he "doesn't need two to tango." And, she's an "evildoer" barred from talking to him. Well, she wants to say something positive. Can she? Please? He calls for the band to take five and listens to her. She wants Jerome and Dame Edna back together. He's bitter about the pre-nup, and says "people can't be pushed in directions that they don't want to go," but he'll think about it.
The doctor gives Ally a clean bill of health. JBJ offers to take her home. She smiles at him -- does he want to go out later tonight? She'll find a "young, healthy baby-sitter that will still be alive when [they] get home." He kisses her and splits. Who pops up? Yup. Matthew Perry. Elaine wiggles at him and looks pointedly at Ally, like he's better than JBJ or something. He says that he's sorry for the whole "hitting on all of you thing," and that he's taken his "boyfriend hat out of the ring, and is tossing it back in the employment ring." Ally says no. She's "passing" on his offer. Yeah, she knows he's the best. She still says no. He asks her a million questions, like, does she hate to be challenged, and is she threatened by him, and "does [she] use the 'get out' card in [her] personal life, too?" Leave, dude. He does, and at the door says, "Have a nice, uncontested life." Sure thing, dick. Ally looks blank, like she missed out on something. Oh yeah, Ally, P.S., Matthew Perry is the man of your dreams. You will now Forever Be Unfulfilled.
Closing arguments. John steps up: his client was sent to a seminar "not to become nicer, but to become more feminine. And there's a word for that. Sexjism." He means "sexism." ["They said that on network primetime?! Wow, times have changed, and I am old." -- Wing Chun] Miss Bump's longing looks threw John off. Only the tough women were sent off to camp, not the tough men. That's a double standard. Why, even Miss Bump chose to use tears in the courtroom, as her weapon. John believes "a woman can make it in a man's world," and be tough, too. And the jury needs to send a message to society, "for our daughters, that [women] have the right to be strong"! Miss Bump's turn. She says it's "sex....ist" to presume a woman's ways aren't the right tools to employ in the workplace. Women are too aggressive nowadays. This case is about women losing those butch traits, like the plaintiff's employers suggested to the plaintiff. And she didn't even want to try! "She just threw down her gloves, and sued. How manly." Miss Bump takes her seat, shooting John a miffed look. John lifts his chin, undeterred.
Boston by day, via air, wooo! Ally tells Dame Edna needs to go to Jerome and "fix things." Dame Edna says she's "slightly over fifty," and that she and Jerome fight too much. She gets that horrible acid reflux-belch thing going on. Ally begins to spin: Couples who fight have more "passion" and "heat" than couples who don't. Why, Ally couldn't "see [her]self in a relationship that wasn't a bit combative!" See what's happening here? Dame Edna asks if she and JBJ fight much. No, never. They're "new." What about her and RDJ? Yeah, they "used to go at it a lot." And she's "over Larry." Mmm-hmm. "Go to Jerome," says Ally.
The verdict is in: The plaintiff wins $610,000! Damnation. They won! Miss Bump says "there's always a nugget of truth in [her] courtroom antics." And, she thinks John is "hot." What a stupid conclusion.
Ally and Elaine sugar their Starbucks coffees. Ally needs to know; is Matthew Perry right? Not for Ally. Does she not allow people to confront her? Is Victor right for her? Elaine says JBJ is the opposite of her -- smart, sane -- and Matthew Perry is Ally. ["Ally's a dick? Yeah, I can see it." -- Wing Chun] Why not just go on one date with him? Ally doesn't "want to blow Victor." The sirens go off, and Elaine does a spit-take with her coffee. "Have. [She] doesn't want to blow what [she has] with Victor." Which is what, exactly? "It would destroy Maddie." Elaine points out that Ally has always dated lawyers, probably has more in common with Matthew Perry, and "for whatever reason, can't stop thinking about him." I have a reason: Ally's a head case bent on self-destruction.
Dame Edna is facing Jerome in the bar, wearing her wedding dress, to "show [him] what [he'll] be missing." Why is he still practicing songs if the wedding is off? "Singing helps [him] deal with his emotions," plus he was "thrown" by her doubts. She doesn't have any doubts! She still loves him! So, how about they get engaged and throw a party? They can get married in June and have a big wedding! "In June, all [her] buds come into season." "June it is!" Great, we have season finale.
Ally and JBJ chow down at a nice dinner out. She makes noise with her fork and picks a fight with JBJ. Is he seeing someone else? No? Well, maybe she wants to see someone else. She's used to being in "combative relationships," not people who "go with the wind," like JBJ does, "even if it is [Ally's] wind." People in the restaurant turn and stare. He didn't even get ruffled when they were gong to have sex and the dead baby-sitter re-railed it! We have a people-staring double-take. JBJ says maybe Ally's right. She sputters. He asks if she'd rather he throw over the table and storm out. She says that would be something. So, he leaves, tossing his napkin down on the table. Run, JBJ. Run fast, run far.
Out on the street, a yellow cab breezes by JBJ. Damn, he's stuck. Pump them legs, man! Oh no, here comes Ally. She's all, "How dare you walk out." Well, you really provoked him, woman. If he'd acted like a gentleman any more, you'd probably have stuck him with your fork. He starts to bluster that she's neurotic, and only happy when she's miserable. Yup. Ally calls him a bigot. He's all, if you want to date someone else, go ahead. He calls a cab and it stops. She yells at him not to leave. He asks that she slide in; they can fight on the way home. Once she's in, he says her address, slams the door, and runs off to catch another cab. Her cab takes off, just as his cab goes in the opposite direction, and she stops another cab in the middle of the road. The driver of this fourth cab asks, what is she, crazy? Ally, screaming like a lunatic in the middle of the street, says yes, she is, in fact, crazy. She hops in the cab, and who's sitting there? Yup. Matthew Perry.
Boston at night, woo. Ally and Matthew Perry sit at a bar. She calls JBJ on her cell phone -- no answer. "He's a baby," she says. Matthew Perry says he thinks she sabotaged the relationship. Ally denies it. He says he's "only heard [her] version and [he's] taking [JBJ's] side." They look at each other unblinkingly. Oh my god, someone have sex, for god's sake. Ally says JBJ "just goes with it." Matthew Perry says, "Bastard." We see a clip of Larry saying, "Bastard." Ally is all, wuh? See, Matthew Perry stirred up all these feelings about Larry, and JBJ is so totally not Larry. So maybe JBJ was the rebound guy, setting up Matthew Perry to be in line? Ally smiles, all, later, Matthew Perry. No sex for you either.
John is dressing in his mariachi suit. Miss Bump walks in, and says he's a legend, and that it was an honor doing battle with him. And why is he going back to the Mexican restaurant when he clearly loves litigating? He says there's a whole other world out there, and he asks her to "sample it." She says it's a big office for him to walk away from. He turns, cocks his head, and says he's looking to sublet. Did she ever think about joining a law firm? Oh, wow, would Christina Ricci really join the cast? Are movie scripts really that bad nowadays? She says she "hate[s] people." I hear you. I mostly hate DEK, meself. She says she'd only want to join the firm to learn from him, and that if he's not going to be there...he dons his hat, and says he'll be back.
Ally walks in her front door to see JBJ on her couch, reading the paper. This new sitter got appendicitis, and had to split for the hospital. Maddie "couldn't get through to" Ally, so she called JBJ. He stands to leave, saying he'll send her a bill. Ally starts rambling about Larry. He got her, see, because he was neurotic, too. Everything meshed. And that guy, Matthew Perry? Reminded her of Larry. So she had a beer with Matthew Perry, and realized that JBJ isn't Larry. And, that she doesn't want to be with a man who's just like her. She wants JBJ. She doesn't know if it's meant to last, or anything at all, but she knows she wants him. He says he'd agree with her, but doesn't know if it'll set her off. She says she can screw up anything. They kiss, clumsily. Ew. Now I don't want to see them do it.
The bar. Dame Edna and her sweet Jerome sing an old Cole Porter song. Everyone watches. Nelle chokes on her martini when Corretta says she heard John offered Miss Bump a job.
Montage: Miss Bump moves a file box into John's office, puts her feet up on the desk, and looks around, satisfied.
A trail of clothes lead up to Ally's bedroom. She and JBJ snuggle, post-coitus. Wow, I've been spared! Thanks, DEK. My eyes thank you. Ally says she's "glad that's over with," and that now they can go back to being "normal." I still don't know what the fuck that means. She asks if they should just go to sleep now. He says it may be weird if Maddie finds him there in the morning. Ally rises to collect their clothes, strewn all over the house. He pulls Ally back to him, saying it was "nice." Oh no. She smiles. Vonda sings yet another song. They kiss. Ew, he's getting on top of her, but chastely and with no heat. The camera pulls away through the window. Pull away faster. Pull away faster!