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Previously: Ally hired Ray to the firm, but not without threatening that if he "acts like a tree trunk," she'll "chop him down." We saw the heads of Jenny and Glenn fly off, to remind us that they got canned, too. Richard hired Dame Edna; she was thrilled. Ally McJunior dug in her heels and refused to go to school. JBJ told Ally that even though the Kid is in her third home in less than two years, she's okay and that Ally "must be doing something right." Then a super-scary montage of Ally's child-abuse hallucinations flash by (Ally vomits pea soup in Maddie's face, kicks her out the window, and shakes her like a dog worries a newspaper) and the screen fades to black.
After some new footage of Boston By Air -- You Gotta Fly Over It To Really Take It All In! -- Ally stammers timidly into the principal's office, at Maddie's school. Maddie is snippy and irritable, just like her mother. The principal has busted Maddie, via security cameras, committing an illicit act in the school bathroom: smoking a cigarette. Brazenly. Openly. The keyboards and pianos play their dirge-y chords. Maddie even has her own little Bic lighter. Awww. I love it when kids can corrupt themselves, and don't need my help to do it! It reminds me of that time I took a bong to a Phillies game, and didn't even have to ask the pee-wee sitting in my section to help me light it. It was one of those three-footers, you see. Hard to reach. But this kid of Ally's? She's all right. Ally has smoke coming out of her ears, then turns into a rocket, and blasts through the ceiling. She's just that mad! Me, I'm busting.
Vonda's been dooown, she's been down, down, down...
Okay: The credits now go like this: Ally, Richard, Elaine. Then, Vonda. The hell? Then Nelle, then Corretta, then Ray, and last but most important in terms of "breathing new life" and all that desperate malarkey, The Kid. If they update the credits again this season? Well, I don't know what I'll do. Make the start of threats, I guess, then got bored and not care.
Oooh, an aerial shot of Boston! Whee! The city looks so big and pretty from up here! But I gave up drinking for Lent. In the offices of Cage, Fish, McBeal, and Whatever, Richard kvetches that Ally is late, and that partners are not supposed to be late, ever. Elaine relays that she's late because Maddie was smoking in school. That bit of nonsensical exposition is backed up by a "joke" from Dame Edna, who coos that Maddie had better not smoke around her, because she's "flammable." Dame Edna has the worst way of cheating toward the camera, it's so annoying: She looks at the person she's speaking to partially from her cocked head, rolls her eyes toward them conspiratorially, and turns the front of her body to the front of the lens. She's theater people, I guess. Or just from Aussie television. A young woman, Serena Feldman, walks in, and Richard and Ray both goggle at how young she is. Ray even gets to make his reaction shot to the universally springy "boing" noise which means he's popping a boner, is unprofessional, and is probably a pervert. Dame Edna calls Serena "a flower not yet in bloom," and I'm all, Dame Edna, who are you trying to convince? Her or me? Like, the girl is smooth of face, and I guess is young -- is she not a girl, not yet a woman, though? Let's call her a wo-girl. All she needs is time. A moment that is hers. While she's in-between. She tells Richard that she can, in fact, pay the fee, even though she's oh so young, really, so they usher her right into Richard's office to hear her Sad Sad Story.
Lights up on Ally's Very Very Very Fine House. Ally is yelling at Maddie, in a very accelerated manner, that smoking is bad, very bad. Yeah, that reminds me of the time my mom caught me with a pack of Benson & Hedges, right after I came home from the mall with my left ear double-pierced and the rest of me reeking of beer because I was driving around in a car with these guys from the military academy up the street, but they weren't our beers and we weren't drinking them, they spilled them on me when we were going around a turn, and I thought you would like my ears like this, mommy! Don't make me smoke that whole pack! Please! Ally just runs her mouth with rapidity, tapdancing as she describes all the bad cancers and illnesses cigarettes can cause, and how "bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad" it is to "chew on the death weed." ["Sars and I have this same conversation every week. She just won't hear me!" -- Wing Chun] Maddie rolls her eyes and puffs out her cheeks like a champ. JBJ walks in and asks what's going on. A girl is getting lambasted, is what's going on. When Ally suggests that Maddie wear a sign that says "I'm Stupid, Hear Me Choke," Maddie takes herself upstairs without being asked to. Wow, kids today! So brazen and with the good timing, too. JBJ says that this situation calls for "dialogue," which Ally is so obviously not excelling at. Ally snarls at him like my dog does when I squirt him with the water pistol. Then she goes upstairs to talk some more.
We're in Richard's Office of Duh, with Ray skulking around behind Richard's desk, and Dame Edna sitting in a chair to the wo-girl, reading a book with an embroidered cover. Gee, that's...nice. "Cardiomyopathy," says Wo-Girl. Which means she has a weak heart. Richard is all, "Is it serious?" No, in fact, it's a real fucking laff riot! Ha ha, heart disease! You can't spell "heart disease" without "ha"! Wo-Girl is dying, she says soberly and with a maturity greater than her relatively few years. And she's waiting for a heart transplant. But she knows of a donor who would be just super-keen for her to use, like, right now. Thing is, the donor is her dad. Who's alive. And the reason he isn't here is because in jail right now. And her mother? Well, he's in jail? For killing her mom. Woo, that's a kettle of fish!
Ally nags Maddie some more about why smoking is bad. Maddie is all, "Didn't YOU ever smoke?" Ally tells some bullshit story about how she smoked when she was fourteen, to be "accepted" by her friends. That's lame. I smoked to piss my mom off. And guess what? Mission accomplished! That's the only reason to smoke cigarettes, in my book: to piss off your parents. The buzz you get wears off so quickly. It smells, and makes you smell. It makes your clothes and hair smell, too. And it makes you sick. And, you know, die. Smoking makes you die. This is why I only smoke weed. Weed at least gets you high! And, P.S., weed is illegal and therefore way, way cooler than cigarettes. And the best part? You got it. It pisses my mom off! I'm just kidding, drugs are bad, and so am I. Ally compulsively applies lip gloss, and Maddie mirrors her until they wrap up their fun "cigarettes kill you" talk. Ally leaves, and JBJ swoops in, to the rescue and to clean up Ally's parenting attempt. He asks how Maddie got busted; Ally says it was the video cameras. He's all, "The cameras you told me they were installing? So you wanted to get caught." Maddie looks sad to be busted. JBJ asks the real reason that she wanted to avoid being in school. She comes clean: Father-Daughter Day is Friday. And she didn't want to be there for that. Because she's been so sad her dad died that she never ever mentioned it. Ally eavesdrops in the hall, agog that this ten-year-old person who just dropped into her life weeks ago might have emotional issues of her own to deal with. Someone shoot the piano player, please.
Heart and Soul
Ray, Richard, and Dame Edna are sitting in the visitation room of a prison. Dame Edna wonders aloud why she is brought along "on these missions," and says that all the prisoners are looking at her, wanting to "ravage" her. A big, burly man comes out and sits in front of them: he's Serena's dad. Killer. He thanks them for coming, and Dame Edna shoots him the stink-eye, but looks scared, too. Killer asks whether Serena filled them in on the details, and Dame Edna hollers, "She didn't say how [Killer] whacked her mothah!" Ray says that they do need to know the details. Killer says he "snapped, and pulled out a gun." Yet the jury called the crime murder one, which means premeditation. Wifey was having an affair Killer knew about before the incident -- and he isn't trying to deny responsibility. He "committed a murder," he says. But now, he wants to "save" his daughter "from the pain [he's] caused her." Wow, what a great guy. Ray is all, we'd be asking a hospital to put you to death. Killer says he can off himself while in the jug, but there may be a danger that "would compromise the heart; why not do it in a hospital?" There are so many reasons this is wrong that it's hard to know where to start. The main one I want to bring up is that I don't think people that need a heart (or any organ) replaced don't get to decide that they're on the top of the list, and who the perfect donor might be. And can a sixteen-year-old-girl accept a heart from a man in his forties or so? I saw a great documentary on organ transplants a few years ago; but this is Ally McBeal, and therefore malarkey. Anyway, Wo-Girl is "an innocent young girl," and needs this heart. Ray is all, we can try, but it doesn't look to good. Killer gets this set, scary look on his face and intones that Wo-Girl is "sixteen. Years. Old. Six. Teen." Go sad oboe, go!
Woo, these new aerial shots are so great! Now with 10% more buildings! Ally slowly walks into Maddie's room, and says she overheard Maddie tell JBJ about wanting to get suspended from school. Maddie says, just like El Shrinkador might, that this must "threaten" Ally, but that Ally should be relieved that Maddie doesn't really smoke. Ally says she isn't "threatened," but doesn't like to be reminded that she "sucks as a parent." Maddie says Ally doesn't "suck at it." Ally stammers in protest that Maddie not use such language. What, "sucks"? Please. Everyone says "sucks." I heard Tom Brokaw say that he thought Afghanistan sucks, and that he was glad they weren't in the Olympics this year. Dude, what about that time Hillary Clinton said Monica sucks, and not like that, either? And remember when Tom and Nicole got in that big fight at the Jamba Juice on Melrose and just kept screaming that everything sucked? Ally says that since Maddie "doesn't have a father," they might let her take "a mother" to Father-Daughter Day. Maddie looks happy, then says Ally wouldn't have to do that. Ally is all, hey! She "might meet a cute guy" at Father-Daughter Day! "Di-di-di-did" Maddie ever think of that? Because trying to pick up at Parent-Teacher Conference Night is always impossible! Maddie, child matchmaker, says that Victor is a cute guy. Ally says that Vi-Vi-Victor, oh no, Victor and she, well, are "just different types" from "two different worlds." Victor eavesdrops at the door and looks steamed. Ally says there needs to be more to a couple than "wanting to jump each other's...cars...when they don't start." Maddie rolls her eyes and squinches up her face. Me too.
Heart and Soul
Judge Albert Hall is lambasting Richard for continuing to bring him ridiculous cases. Richard reminds the Judge of that time four years ago when two men wanted to swap hearts, and Al Hall is all, "And you were rejected! And this isn't a swap! A man would die!" Serena and her Killer Dad sit at a table. Wouldn't Killer have to be in handcuffs? He's just sitting with his chin in his hands like a free man, to his daughter, like he didn't kill her mother. Ray steps up and asks "if the state has an interest in preserving the life of a man they've chosen to incarcerate for the rest of his life." Judge says it isn't as simple as a prisoner "donating an organ" to save a life. Ray is all, "Why can't it be?" Because the donor is ALIVE, goddammit. Judge then says that the Commonwealth of Massachusetts doesn't have the death penalty "because it is pro-life." Whoa, may I challenge your choice of words there, Judge? How about Massachusetts doesn't use the death penalty because it values human life and doesn't believe in institutionalized murder? "Pro-life" is what the anti-abortion rights people say. But DEK probably has a limit on how many syllables can come out of Al Hall's mouth at one breath, and the two "pro-life" have fit the quota. Now Dame Edna wants to "have a word." Judge says, "No. You're not an attorney. Why are you even here?" THANK YOU, Judge! Ray says what they want "is pro-life." Yeah, pro the life of ONE. The other person dies. Which isn't so pro-life. But whatever, this whole thing and the David Duchovny movie the plot is ripped off from, is pretty lame. It may seem interesting on the surface, but honestly, it's lame. Judge says that in the interest of public policy, a man can't be put to death to save Serena. Ray is all, you "can't say no in the interest of public policy!" Well, Albert Hall just did. And begging doesn't help matters much, Ray. Oh, wait! Judge says he'll hear from Killer at 2 PM! Well, shut my mouth.
JBJ drops his "final bill" onto Ally's desk and says he's "moving on. What, like [he's] not allowed to do that? [He] got another plumbing job." Ally stammers up a storm. What-what-what is he talking about? JBJ tightly says that Ally can parent her brand-new-to-her child any way she wants to, but that he won't stand for her "passing on bigotry." He's talking about her comments to Maddie about them not making a good couple, and took those remarks to mean that Ally was pointing out the "class distinction" between JBJ and herself. Such a sensitive plumber/baby-sitter/aging rock star with a heart of gold! P.S.: JBJ has a mini-mullet. It's not a grown-out shag. It's a mini-mullet. He needs to cut the back of that hair, but fast. Ally stammer-asks if JBJ is interested in being part of a couple with her. JBJ says no, because Ally doesn't know about "his world," and they never "talk about [his] world," and she "makes assumptions based on what [he does], and [he] doesn't like it." He winds it up by telling her, "You're an elitist." Ally looks ashamed.
“ God, where is this kid's legal guardian? Who is paying for the lawyers? WTF? infinity! ”
Killer is testifying that his daughter can make a contribution to society better than he can, but only if she lives. Please, let Killer save his daughter. He's so terse! He "killed her mother" and caused Serena "extreme pain." The opposing side asks if Killer is "in anguish" and if this decision is "fraught with emotion." Uh, doy. So, how can Killer make a sound decision considering his emotional state? Opposing side is all, "[Killer] killed [his] wife," and Ray screams, "OBJECTION!" Because that has nothing to do with this. Except for the fact that the man is serving a life sentence. I guess that doesn't really matter either -- it just makes the situation more poignant, for some people. Killer is all, "I owe [Serena]." Yeah, maybe you should have thought about that before you KILLED HER MOTHER.
In closed chambers, Serena the Very Very Mature sixteen-year-old asks if her Killer Dad is "doing this out of guilt." Killer says the reason he "doesn't want to live is guilt." What a pussy! Serena says she is "not going to have [Killer] kill [himself]" for her. Wow, how noble. She's a Super Martyr. Her mom got killed, and she seems completely unruffled about that, and she's dying of heart disease, and now her Killer Dad is ready to make a state-assisted sacrifice, and she's all, no! She'd rather have him live behind bars for the rest of her short life than die! Or something! Killer says that being a parent means wanting to protect one's child, and he's done "a terrible job of that." YES. YES, YOU HAVE. God, where is this kid's legal guardian? Who is paying for the lawyers? WTF? infinity! Killer says the only meaning in his whole miserable life was Serena's birth, and that he's "trying to get a little continued meaning" by giving her his heart. He's "doing a very selfish thing here." No shit. Shouldn't there be a guard in the room? Richard comes in and says they're calling a witness: Serena's aunt. She's opposed to the heart transplant idea.
Nelle and Ally are in the Uni when Nelle says, "There's nothing wrong with being an elitist." She thinks more people should be. Ally is all, "Why?" Nelle hates face-painters at football games, which "celebrates the common man." If Ally dates JBJ, she'll be "dating down," and she'll always wonder if she could have everything she wanted. Um, what more does Ally want? She has the house and the kid. I think all she wants is a man. And JBJ? Is a man. A hunky man, many people tell me. But Nelle was just trying to help.
Dame Edna comes knocking, gently knocking on Albert Hall's chamber door. She's come to prattle on some more about Serena's case. Al Hall wants to hear nothing about it, because even though Dame Edna isn't a lawyer, he'll consider her words ex parte. She says they should acknowledge "the elephant in the room." The who in the what now? Dame Edna means the sexual tension between the two of them. You'd think Dame Edna would get laid once in a while, instead of fruitlessly throwing herself at every available male. Maybe she gave up sex for Lent, in lieu of these fruitless but fun flirtations. Judge is all, get out! Dame Edna makes to leave, then turns at the door and softly says, "Please don't let her die." The door closes behind her, and Al Hall gets a great reaction-in-profile shot.