Okay, the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is on this week, and I can't even tell you how hard it was to turn the channel when my VCR kicked on at nine. There's cute, wiggly doggies running around Madison Square Garden trying to win that shiny cup, and I have to turn the channel to tape Ally McBeal? My dog, who loves to see other dogs on television, hates me now. It made me want to ban Sorkin. But I have a job to do. And the Dog Show is on for two more days, so....
Previously: did you know a good groomer can carve a good-looking dog out of hair? I mean...Ally got a daughter, Maddie, by the random act of one of her eggs being harvested at a fertility clinic some ten years earlier. Ally poached the daughter from aunt Bonnie Boone. Reeeally nice name there, Bonnie. Ally was "forced" to "hire" Jon Bon Jovi to replace all the pipes in her house. Which he does alone, when she's at work, I guess, because we never see the guy get dusty or with tools in his hand. And is he "married," or "bonded"? Yeah, he's bonded. Ally always knew her genetic daughter was "out there," though she knows it sounds "crazy." JBJ asked if Kid wanted to live with Ally. Kid had a "good feeling" about Ally. Run, Kid. Run.
An aerial shot of Boston morphs into Vonda singing "Gimme Gimme Good Lovin'" in the bar. Gimme gimme some earplugs, hey, right about now. Richard and Nelle sit at a table. Richard says that John has left, again, to go to Mexico for a vacation, and that he's leaving the firm: "As of now, he's a part-time Biscuit." Nelle is shocked. Shocked.
We leave the bar and join Ally in an office. She's grilling a woman about the current school semester into which Kid will have to dive, midway through. Ally has a lengthy "Maddie School Checklist." She starts checking and asking more questions. Like, are there school uniforms? No? Had the woman considered uniforms? Ally read a study once....
We break-neck back over to the bar, where Nelle asks what the firm will be called now: "'Fish'?" Richard brushes her off and says everything will be fine. Ray and Glenn sit down at their table with beers. Glenn expresses surprise that "the little guy is gone." Nelle cocks an eyebrow, and it's really a test of her professionalism as she reads this line: "Oh, he's not little." Glenn just says, "Big, then."
Ally and the principal have a few blurry-fast rounds of verbal boxing over the school's policies on bees, mail, bomb-sniffing dogs, classroom size, elitism, and put-downs. The camera zooms in very tightly on each woman's mouth. The principal smiles tightly; Ally purses her lips. Then, finally, we land on JBJ's mouth, as he says, "I think you pushed too hard." Ally wheels around; she's in her kitchen now, and asks what she's supposed to do when her "child dies -- just shrug and say 'them's [sic] the breaks'?" JBJ asks if Ally intends to be "a total nightmare." She gives the reading some menace: "You have no...idea."
Vonda's been doooown, she's been down down down. Oh, the kid has been added to the credits. Wonder how long that will last.
Ally's alarm goes off. Soon, the hateful strains of the theme to "Leave it to Beaver" get her wiggling and busy in the kitchen, where she makes pancakes, squeezes fresh juice, and milks a cow. Yes -- a cow, in her kitchen. Ha ha ha! Hats off to you, DEK, you clever goose. Ally goes to wake up Maddie, who is sleeping with her feet on the pillow and head by the footboard. Maddie is in no mood to go to school. Ally says school isn't optional. Maddie says, "Fine, you're a responsible mother. Have a cookie!" Heh. Kid screeches some more about how she's not going to school -- "Get it!" -- and Ally hallucinates Kid's face turning into some kind of H.R. Giger-esque faux-Alien hell-beast, with a touch of Beast from Beauty and the Beast, the TV series with Linda Hamilton. Ally tells Maddie to get her "pissy" self out of bed, "NOW," as Ally's voice takes on a possessed-by-Satan quality. Ally leaves Kid's purple room, counting to three as she does. God, I hate when people count to three.
Ally blows into "Just Fish" late, and Elaine pops up to say Richard wants a word with her. Ally asks that Elaine tell Richard Ally isn't there, since it's Kid's first day at school and Ally is freaking. OUT. Richard commandeers the conversation and tells Ally that John is gone. She asks if he's going to call the firm "Fish" now. No, he was thinking "Fish and McBeal." Her jaw drops, and a truck drives into the huge, gaping maw. She's shocked. Shocked. All she can ask is, "Now?" She doesn't even "want it." Richard is taken aback. "Now!" She lies down on his couch, then gets up to say "phonetically, it would sound better if it were McBeal and Fish." ["I think the word she's looking for is 'euphonically,' but certainly no one ever accused either Ally or her scripter of having a large vocabulary." -- Wing Chun] Richard says no way. Ally repeats "Fish and McBeal, Fish and McBeal" a few times.
"Fish and McBeal? He's making her partner?" This is Nelle, outraged, to Elaine, who's just repeated the news, no doubt to get a reaction. Nelle is steamed, but silent. Elaine asks Nelle to "share." Nelle just stomps off.
Corretta is questioning a witness -- yet another fired employee suing her boss, this time a lawyer -- who was fired because she has AIDS. Ray, representing the employer, asks if she ever discussed her HIV status (she's been positive for three years) with her employers. No, she hadn't. And how long does she have to live? Corretta objects; Albert Hall says this is a "public forum," and allows the question. Uh, wouldn't Ray have to determine the relevance of the question? If the life expectancy of an employee is the issue, instead of the disease, wouldn't women then have a leg up on men, since we live longer? What about the fact that any of us can go at any time, and many fatally ill people live longer than their doctors or statistics predict...oh, forget it. The plaintiff has just become "symptomatic," and her doctor has said she has "two years" left to live. Ray looks down, the music is sad, and...scene.
The miniature pit bull terriers are SO CUTE. They've won in the Garden three times! Oh, aerial shot of Boston, woo! Ally is in class with Kid, peppering the teacher with questions about the reading list. Why is Ally in the classroom? She's wasting class time and disrupting the learning environment. Teacher, make her turn her desk to the wall and put her giant lollipop head down. I saw Ally with gum! Ally says she doesn't want Maddie to read the novelization of Annie because "it disparages orphans." Not to mention makes people start singing that the sun will come out, tomorrow. And betting their bottom dollar that tomorrow, they'll be sun. Why, just thinking about. Tomorrow. I'll stop. A boy sitting to Kid jerks a thumb at her and says she "looks like Goldilocks." Ally's hand flies into the air and she alerts teacher that the "chunky kid insulted" her "daughter," and she's concerned about Maddie making friends, and the "fat kid" looks nasty to her, and "prejudice comes in smooth reads, because bigots cannot spell." Maddie is mortified. Me, I saw the ads for the episode, and was expecting this.
Court. Ray questions his client, asking if he didn't fire the AIDS woman because he discriminated against her. The guy says "law firms lose money on associates because [they] are training tomorrow's partners. If a partner is not going to be here tomorrow...[he] has a fiduciary responsibility." What a bad argument. The same argument could be made for anyone without an unwavering dedication to the job -- like, someone with a family, or a risky habit, like skydiving. Corretta steps up, and hears the guy say that "before September, the firm was doing well, but now...this is a new day." Also, the title of the episode. Okay, my boyfriend works in a law firm here in Philly, and he says they have had no change in business. They are as busy as ever. And, this isn't the guy's reason for firing AIDS Woman -- he fired her because she has AIDS, not because of the economy. So, why is this even coming up? Oh right, DEK is continuing to footnote the events of September 11 to give his meatless show context and heft, I guess. Nice try. Corretta asks whether AIDS Woman failed to perform her job duties in any way. Guy is all, yeah: "Part of an associate's job is to build a client roster and maintain it over time, for the future. She has neither time nor a future." But Guy "hates to sound cold." How about, "hates to sound full of shit"? No -- that, he loves. Corretta says AIDS Woman "billed out more than her salary." Guy says the "clients weren't paying their bills." So, that's her fault? Get a fucking bill collector, or TAKE THEM TO COURT, Guy! Corretta yells, "You dumped the one with AIDS!" Ray objects. Albert Hall doesn't say anything, and Corretta continues. Um, Ray, you are really ineffectual as a lawyer, dude. Judge didn't even hear you! Guy finally yells that he didn't fire her for having AIDS: "It's because she's dying! The firm has to rebuild financially, emotionally...." Corretta's all, what do you mean, "emotionally"? He says he stated his reasons for firing AIDS Woman. Judge tells him to answer the question. "Two of our people were on the first plane....The last thing we need is...." Corretta asks whether he's "protecting his firm from dealing with more loss." Guy says, "You say that like it's nothing. Trust me, it's not nothing." Oh, wow, that's in bad taste. Really, really bad taste. Like, I bet the cast and crew of Frasier are calling each other right now, pissed off, as members of the TV community who lost someone they worked with and yet didn't milk it into a fucking plotline. Granted, two planes did take off from Boston's Logan Airport, but Jesus fucking Christ, DEK! Guy's logic is so flawed and irrational! We all deal with loss -- you can't "prevent" it from happening! What an anti-hero. I mean David E. Kelley, of course.
Lights up on Cage and Fish. Richard tells a pissed-off Nelle that she "is not a liked person" and won't "fill the void" John created by leaving. And that the "workers will rally for" Ally. Oh, whatever. Nelle leaves, even more pissed.
Ally hops off the elevator, and Elaine tells her she has a few messages "from parents" on her desk, regarding Maddie's play date thing tomorrow. Play date? Nobody told Ally about a play date!
Maddie asks, "What's the big biggie?" She just wanted to have a few kids over. She didn't check first, is the point. Ally says, "I am the parent, and am in control of what goes on under this roof." Yeah, you wish. You wish infinity. With a real nasty edge in he voice, Kid says Ally "keeps missing the point," and Ally hallucinates grabbing Kid by her pigtails, spinning her around, and kicking her out the window, Kid screaming as she goes. Uch, scary! Maddie asks if the check-first policy "would apply to vomit," since she's "about to puke." Ally hallucinates opening her mouth and barfing all in Maddie's face, Exorcist-style. Oh, horrible! Cally, can't you barf off-screen, like always? Ally just says yes, puts a pillow in Kid's arms, and leaves the room. JBJ enters, and Kid says she "didn't send for a plumber." JBJ starts expounding the wisdom all plumbers do when alone with some kid they barely know. He says Kid is "testing Ally" to be sure she really wants Kid to live with her, but that Ally "doesn't have to love" Kid yet: "And maybe she won't." Oh, that is fucked up. CALL SOCIAL SERVICES, but fast! JBJ exits, and runs into Ally in the hall. She asks that he not parent her kid. He tells her not to go in there yet. "Let her come to you and apologize. [Kid] needs to apologize." Ally says Kid's only ten. JBJ says that's old enough to know better. JBJ is the voice of wisdom and Totally Right. Ally heeds her hot plumber. What woman wouldn't?
In the offices of Just Fish, Corretta, Ray, the AIDS Woman, and Guy face off at a table. Corretta says the two "still care about each other" and should work it out. Guy says no way -- not after AIDS Woman filed suit claiming he discriminates against people with AIDS. AIDS Woman says Guy's reasons for firing her were bullshit. Guy asks if he should be punished for being honest. Ray opens his mouth and gets out-shouted. "[AIDS Woman] sat in my office and talked about the future! You never said you were dying!" AIDS Woman asks if she isn't supposed to try to live. Guy says, "This isn't about you, it's about the people that love you at their emotional peril. I'm the parent here!" Um, wuh? He's "senior partner, not a parent," says AIDS Woman. Guy stands up, says he's "done nothing wrong," and "won't settle." He storms out. Hey, way to go, Ray! You suck.
A series of tilt-y aerial shots of Boston flash across the screen. Drink! Vonda sings "Sank Oven Fur Leedle Gurrls." Ally nags at Kid, who's not touching a bowl of Cheerios. Ally wants Kid to know the full nutritional value of said Cheerios, and tells her that it would be good if Kid ate them. Kid isn't feeling well, and is still lippy. She calls Ally "annoying," and "will let [her] know if [she] require[s] juice." Ally hears the song "Rag Doll," and hallucinates shaking Kid violently. God, these abusive hallucinations are really creeping me out. Anyhoo, Kid is feeling ill to her tum-tum, probably due to being nervous about the impending play date. Kid ensures Ally will be present at the play date, than barfs all over Ally's "Chanel" suit. Oh, that suit is so not Chanel. And why the fuck would anyone wear a Chanel suit just because? A garment that powerful needs a reason to be worn, says the woman with a closet full of clothes that have yet to debut. Ally has a fit, but says it's "okay" and forces out a laugh.
Ray and Corretta head into court to do closing arguments. Ray offers a hundred grand to settle the case, saying that, for the "present day," that's a lot of money. Um, what? I guess he could have also said that in olden times, the hundred Gs would have bought a whole lot of Edsels and cigarette holders. Corretta says no. Ray says his client is "very entrenched" and "will appeal all the way." Corretta is all, are you saying he'll fight until she's dead? "You should be offended by that!" Ray just says the thing about Guy being "entrenched" again, and they get on the elevator.
Ally talks to Elaine about her child-abuse fantasies. Elaine says, "Even the most evil people make excellent parents!" Hee. I love Elaine. Elaine realizes that Ally is looking at the firm's accounting books, and plotzes: "My god! You really are a partner!" Yeah. How scary is that? Elaine happily passes on the news that Nelle is less than supportive of Ally's talents as a lawyer. Through gritted teeth, Ally says, "That catty bitch!" Nelle pops her head in Ally's office doorway. Someone say my name? Ally and Nelle bare their teeth at each other and exchange fake pleasantries. Ally morphs into a muscle-woman and flexes at her. Nelle tells Ally not to dare get tough with her. Ally says, "Check the top of your head for my footprints." And don't forget to turn in your time sheets at the end of the day! Elaine loves every second of it.
Ray and his client argue. Ray wants him to settle. Guy will not. Ray argues that AIDS Woman is more sympathetic to the jury, and that cases "don't always turn on pragmatics," which Guy apparently has in spades. Ray concludes, "You can't discriminate against someone for having AIDS!" Guy screams back, "My son had AIDS, all right? So I do NOT discriminate." Oh, for fuck's SAKE. What does this have to do with...oh...everyone on this show internalizes each issue and takes it personally. Just like on The Practice, just like on Boston Public. Does it matter that it doesn't make sense? Does it matter that using this device for dramatic purposes makes the important issues virtually meaningless? Does it matter that it's so formulaic by this time, I recall all of Laura Flynn Boyle's character arcs and go, oh! Yeah. Guy says he never even mentioned this to Ray so that Ray couldn't exploit the Guy's son's death to make Guy appear more sympathetic. Yeah. Ray says he wants to settle for three hundred grand. The piano plays sadly.
Richard's at the bar with a bottle of Michelob, flicking a light on and off. Ally sits down at the table with him, unloading the firm's books from her arms with a thump. She asks how long he's been paying salaries with his own money, and how long "John [has] not been drawing a salary." A few months, says Richard. And he has plenty of money! Um, didn't Cage and Fish just net something like five million bucks this season? Oh, I guess DEK was hanging out with Aaron Sorkin and RDJ again, smoking crack. Ally says he's "carrying too much overhead." Richard says he'll take her advice as a partner, and the offer still stands. She says she can only work until five, and there will be "days [she] will miss completely." He says yes, because he "lost John" and doesn't want to lose Ally. God forbid. Ally's pager beeps, and she has to go.
After one completely useless commuter montage (doesn't Ally walk everywhere? We've never seen her in a train or in a car, ever! The sidewalk is her mode of transportation!), we land back at Ally's house. JBJ comes down the stairs, and says Kid came home early, because "her playmates canceled." So, JBJ paged her? Kid tells JBJ what's what before she tells her genetic mother? This makes no sense. Ally runs up the stairs, after checking with JBJ that it's all right to do so.
Kid sits on the floor in front of her bed. Ally joins her, with stories about her fucked-up childhood. Kid says she doesn't want Ally's pity; she just wants to get even. Ally asks if Kid wants to stoop to their level. Kid does! She wants to stoop! Ally advises Maddie take the kids' books and draw pictures of naked men inside, then tattle to teacher, who will suspend them. Maddie says, "You are so awesome." Not so, really. JBJ eavesdrops disapprovingly, and then ahems. He's all, "Got a second? I'd like to discuss some...plumbing." Best line all episode. Even he didn't believe it!
Kitchen. JBJ is all, are you nuts. YES! YES, Ally is nuts! Run, JBJ. Run toward another '80s nostalgia tour; another movie with Whoopi Goldberg that has you up on a ladder most of the time, "painting"; toward an all-New Jersey episode of Cribs -- just RUN AWAY! Run fast, run far. Anyway, JBJ says Ally's revenge advice is fucked, and she's all, "Did I ask for your advice?" She fires him on the spot. Oh, that's great. You're hot for the guy, and he's totally helping with your kid, and you can him the one time he opens his mouth? He rattles off some BS-sounding state code saying it's unlawful to discharge a plumber before he's completed his job. So, as soon as she's done, she wants him gone. Fine. Fine! Fine! Fine.
Corretta confers with AIDS Woman. She doesn't want to settle for $300,000, even though "it's more money than [she] can spend in [her] lifetime." Of two years? You can't spend three hundred thousand dollars in two years, AIDS Woman? Let me go shopping with you, just once. Or maybe you can come over to the house one day and see all the things that need fixing, AIDS Woman. We can put a dent in that $300,000. Anyway, she wants to fight. Fight fight fight!
Okay, I flipped over to the dog show to see them honor the dogs that worked at Ground Zero and at the Pentagon, and the closed captioning just called the dog's efforts "empressure rabble," instead of immeasurable. That is so funny.
Over at Ally's house, no standing ovation for dogs. Just yelling at JBJ. Her voice speeds up, she says a baby-sitter and a mom have to "synch up," and that a litmus for her was the movie Moulin Rouge, which she loved. Did JBJ not love Moulin Rouge? WTF? He's a SINGER and an ACTOR -- why wouldn't he love that movie? Everyone should love that movie. Ally's voice speeds up, and she concludes, "If you laugh at me inside one more time!" He agrees to baby-sit. And he loved Moulin Rouge. Ally is happy with that, winks at him, and is out the door to go to work.
Aerial shot, do a shot. Corretta and Ray give their closing arguments. Corretta says she was discharged because she will die soon, and didn't want his employees to have to suffer her loss when she died. Corretta thought the "new day" was about "rediscovering humanity," and reaching out and compassion and shit. "Have we gone back to the old day already? Why don't you go back to that room, and tell them what day it is?" Ben, my boyfriend, does that great one-person- clap-clap-clap thing that cracks me up. ["Ben is funny! That cracks me up, too." -- Wing Chun] Ray steps up and says that was a right purty speech. And we are more compassionate these days! But "the pain can take you," if you've known someone who died from AIDS. Yeah, but you know what? You learn, you grow, and you MOVE ON. Ray, you're so going to lose this one, in spite of the "fiduciary obligations" you speak of. The oboe is sad.
Aerial shot, woo! Ally enters, and accepts Richard's offer, closing the door behind her. She knows "the business end" of running a firm, because her dad ran one, and says they have to fire some people, or, "restructure." Richard says he can't do it. Ally says she'll look over the productivity reports and get on with the canning. Richard says Nelle is the likeliest candidate. Dude, what about "last hired, first fired"? Don't just can Nelle! Oh, like anyone will listen to me.
Aerial shot of Boston at night, blargh. Ally comes home to a home-cooked meal, courtesy of JBJ. Maddie says Ally "should be all over him like a blanket." She goes off to do homework, and JBJ spoons potatoes onto Ally's plate. She thanks him for cooking, and he says he "likes cooking for other people." Maybe become a chef, then? She apologizes for hollering at him, since she's stressed about being made partner and having the new ten-year-old daughter and all. He says her excuses are "pathetic." She fires him again, and asks that he be gone tomorrow. Oh, BOY I hate this show. JBJ starts reciting the very valid list of Reasons Why Ally is Wack: She canned a baby-sitter because she didn't like Moulin Blush (he meant Moulin Rouge); she moans about good things in her life; and she fires plumbers for no good reason. Ally's voice gets all fast again as she says her life is not that simple, and is, in fact, "treacherous." Then she says she's just freaking out because she doesn't know what she'll do when her "pipes" are fixed. JBJ agrees to baby-sit because he "could use the extra money." ["Eldin much? What a load." -- Wing Chun] He turns to the sink to wash dishes, Ally tries to say something, and he just says he "could use the extra money," again, some more.
The jury has reached a verdict. Al Hall asks what they say. They award AIDS Woman $360,000. Ray apologizes to Guy. Corretta asks if AIDS Woman wants to go out for dinner to celebrate. AIDS Woman just wants to sit there. Ray offers Corretta a ride. She accepts, and they leave the courtroom together. Then, the look back, and see the very unhappy AIDS Woman and Guy, seated at their separate tables. What a (something) tableau! Very (something). It really says (blank) about (something). And the sad music! Really makes me feel (blank).