Previously on this crock of shit: Jon Bon Jovi was sent by the bank to bring Ally's "electrical system up to code." Mm-hmm. Then, he had to fix the "corroded pipes." Oh, it that what you call it? She had to hire JBJ. Yeah. And, Richard floundered in a series of clips from his appearances in court, stinking up the place and generally frustrating Albert Hall. He's a "litigator." Or something like that.
I break the seal on a new bottle just in time for an aerial shot of Boston at night. Vonda bleats. Ally is stretched out beneath her sink working on the plumbing. The sink erupts into a fountain. She didn't turn the pipes off first? Not that I ever messed around under my sink, but I know how to turn off pipes. She curses rapidly, and then there's a knock on the door to distract her, even though the closed captioning says "doorbell ringing." Hee. I have a sign on my door that says, "Knock, yo. Doorbell busted." I guess it happens in older homes. "It" being faulty doorbells. Ally goes to the door, and it's a little girl. They exchange hellos. Ally looks at her watch and says it's a little late, but she'll take six boxes. The kid says she isn't selling cookies. Please let her be a tiny assassin. Kid asks if Ally is "Allison McBeal," and whether she likes surprises. Oh, just come out with it already. Okay: Kid is Ally's daughter. "Ally McJunior," as someone said on the boards. For those of you with dropped jaws, this is how such a thing happened: Ally "harvested" some of her eggs and "stored them ten and a half" years ago. BY "MISTAKE," "at the facility," the eggs were given to a MAN, Richard Harrington, who died six months ago. Kid was passed off to "a wicked aunt," Kid took off this morning, and came to find her McMommy after two months of detective work. Ally? Passes out.
Vonda's been dooown, she's been down down down....
Aerial shot, drink. Woo! JBJ gets top billing, a Hayden someone second, then, the great Albert Hall.
Okay, Ally is in a nondescript (fertility, I guess) office, hollering at a guy in a suit who keeps saying he's "mortified." Ally expositionally says that she donated her eggs as part of an infertility study, and that she was supposed to be notified if they were ever used. Um, "egg harvesting" isn't like whacking off in a paper cup, you know. It's minor surgery. I'd buy Ally SELLING her eggs, like a lot of college co-eds do, but DONATING them? Right. For farce to work, it has to be at least GROUNDED in the real, and this is so very unreal, it's floating. David E. Kelley, stop it right now. Ally freaks out on the "mortified" guy about the girl in the waiting room who has Ally's eyes. It's true -- the casting is good. Ally McOffspring does resemble the original, but with curly hair. Mr. Mortified says, "This could be a blessing." Ally is all, "A BL-ESSING? A BLE-ESSING!? You plop a ten-year-old girl down in someone's lap and...." The kid is standing right there and heard Ally. Okay, the kid's dad is dead -- WHAT ABOUT HER MOM? Was she a test-tube baby? Oh, forget it.
Staff meeting. Richard says it's a big day for him: his first murder trial. Everyone looks aghast, and the head-whipping of each cast member makes a "whooshing" sound. John's nose whistles. After explaining Ally's and Jenny's absences (Ally has plumbing problems with her house; Jenny, plumbing problems in herself), John says he wants to speak to Richard outside.
John is "very concerned" about Richard taking on a murder trial. Particularly when the client could go to jail for the rest of his life, and his defense is that he thought his wife's head was a ball and kicked it -- hard enough to kill her. Oy, does anyone think my head is a ball? It isn't. So STOP. Richard says he "favors a homily, a cliché...winning isn't everything." John wrinkles his face and says people on trial for first-degree murder may not appreciate that sentiment. Richard gets all intense and says he's going to win this. John and I say, "Yeah."
Everyone gathers around Elaine, the office water cooler...I mean, "gossip," and asks about the Kid. Nelle asks, "Is it Billy's?" Elaine doesn't know. I'll bet that line was written for the express purpose of using in the commercials. But it wasn't. We know it isn't Billy's kid. Oh, whatever.
Ally flusters around in her office in front of the Kid. First she apologizes for saying mean things, then tells the Kid not to "guilt" her. The Kid says she understands Ally's feelings, and doesn't want to burden her. Oh, god forbid. Ally says she doesn't even understand her feelings at the moment. Way to go, Ally. Is it about your stupid feelings, or doing the right thing with this child? Oh, my bad -- it's always all about ALLY. Anyway, a woman in a red brocade coat with black fur cuffs and collar strides into Ally's office and starts complaining. "Nice. Reeeally nice. You run off...." Kid interrupts, "I left a note!" Ally is clearly rubbed wrong by the woman, who is the Kid's aunt, Bonnie Boone. Nice name, reeeally nice. Then I see this episode has two credited directors; I know that has to be bad. Bonnie apologizes, and says she helped Kid track Ally down because Kid said she wanted to "see her someday." She didn't think Kid meant that day. Bonnie was "sick with grief." Kid asks if Bonnie "could be any more dramatic." Ally rolls her eyes in agreement. Ally? Shut up. Bonnie says they have a one o'clock flight, and Ally says "whoa" about fifteen times, then says a "genetic daughter" doesn't just show up and then split so fast. Kid says, "Isn't that what you want?" Bonnie looks...hopeful? Worried? I can't tell. Ally says that since the Kid "inserted" herself into Ally's life, she's in for it now, as is Lorna Doone, or Bonnie Boone. So "nobody's getting on any one o'clock flight." Kid and Bonnie look properly scolded, then pleased. Oh, barf.
Richard and John are hearing a witness on the stand -- a woman who says she saw their client kick his wife "right in the head." When Richard questions her, he asks if the guy kicked her head "like he would kick...A SOCCER BALL?" Witness says yes. Richard goes to sit down. Then John pops up to ask more questions. Was the man very upset? Despondent? He was. Richard follows John, agog that he would dare to question the witness after Richard established that his client kicked his wife's head "like a soccer ball." John turns, and he and Richard are standing nose to nose. John's nose whistles. Ba dump bump.
In a closed room, Richard and John argue the case. The client leans on John heavily, as though he were a shelf. John thinks they should plead the case out; Richard thinks they can win because the jury will think the client is nuts: "He thought his wife was a soccer ball!" The violins pluck in amusement. Me, not so much.
Ally's office. Ally and Bonnie sit down for a chat. Where's the Kid -- off eating poison somewhere? Oh, who cares. Bonnie was a lawyer for two years, then quit; she was a failed blues singer, and now sings "jingles," by which she means theme songs to television shows. Gilligan's Island and the like. Now she gets booked. Hmm. Is this Vonda's story? Does anyone care? Moving on, then. And Kid's dad was "a great man." But enough about him. Bonnie is Kid's "only family, unless you include genetically." Bonnie says Ally can call the shots, and asks what she wants to do. Ally asks for a sleepover. And points out that Kid wanted to live with her. Bonnie says yes to the sleepover, then seems not to be into the living-with idea. "[Kid is] very manipulative. She's...kids." Ally fiddles with her chin and looks...I can't tell. Concerned? Like she wants to steal the Kid away? Hungry? That she hates DEK? No, that's me.
Kid bursts into Ally's office. She excitedly says that "there's a bar downstairs," with a "stage" and "music," and she got Bonnie "booked....Tonight. Elaine helped." Elaine is all, "I should have checked first," but if Bonnie can't do it, she'll fill in. Kid says that if this show goes well, Bonnie can get bookings in Boston, and then Kid can see Ally "like, all the time!" Ally hides her mouth behind her hand. Bonnie asks if Kid said she wanted to live with Ally. Kid says it was a "test." And she wants to stay the night to get to know Ally better. Ally says Bonnie will do the gig. "Why not?" Bonnie laughs, tickled.
John and Richard are in a conference room. John says he is "stressed, maybe in light of world events, but if you introduce that...it will push my stress to the breaking point!" "That" is a photo of the client's wife with the outline of a soccer ball over her face. The client walks in, says that when he sees his wife's picture he can't believe she's gone, then sits on John. John is all, "Heee-eey!" Client says he didn't see him there. And why can't they introduce the picture? It's just a picture. He doesn't notice the soccer ball drawing. He can't see it. The music gets mischievous.
Client is on the stand. He said he saw a ball and kicked it. Why did he kick someone else's ball? He doesn't know. He loved his wife, and had never been happier. The other lawyer steps up and establishes that the client had behaved normally up till that point. He asks whether the defendant ever hit his wife prior to the kicking incident? Once, he slapped her: "It was a mistake." John and Richard lean back, displeased.
Client says he loved his wife and would never ever...he hangs his coat on John. John has a mild outburst, and then Client explains he "doesn't always see" John. When he slapped his wife, he thought she was a mosquito. He thought John was a coat rack: "Sometimes, [John] looks like a coat rack." Client "looks at people and sees inanimate objects." John says maybe it's time to see a neurologist. Maybe.
Bonnie Boone takes the stage in the bar to applause and cheers. After starting her medley with the theme (not jingle, but jingoistic for sure) to Love, American Style, she goes into the theme from The Brady Bunch, and pats Nelle on the head. Nelle, why do you even go to the bar, if you hate everyone so much? Just drink at home. Bonnie has a very pure voice; I can see how she failed as a blues singer. She's too sweet and pure-sounding. There's no dirty quality to her vocals, and the blues require that. Okay, after Cheers, she goes into Welcome Back, Kotter. Elaine grabs the mic and hogs the spotlight. She takes the stage for the Happy Days theme. Finally, we get to The Best Theme of All Time, Mary Tyler Moore. Though I really love the Rhoda theme, and Love Boat too. Hawaii Five-O is the best instrumental theme. When I moved back to NYC in 1990, there was a guy who rode the 1 and the 9 trains playing a comb. His intro was, "You're going home! I play a comb! You've seen the best! I'm the rest!" He played the hell out of Hawaii Five-O. I'd crack up, even though other riders hated him. His fee? A dollar or less. I'd pony up. Hey, he's busking and an alcoholic -- give him a break. I hope Bonnie drinks, too, with a gig that lame. I know I do...I mean, "would."
John strides into Richard's office. Richard apologizes for sucking. John says the client has a tumor that's benign, but he really did see his wife as a soccer ball, and John as a coat rack. Anyone care? Hellooo?
JBJ and Kid are playing poker. JBJ has two pair; Kid has a better hand, and rakes in the chips. Ally walks in, home from the bar, and says Bonnie was "such a smash" she was held over to do a later show. So, JBJ baby-sits, too? I HATE THIS SHOW. Kid asks, "What about the slumber party?" Oh, that will have to be just Ally, Kid, and JBJ now, I guess. Kid says, "Tell me about yourself. Just don't tell me you're a nightclub singer." JBJ and Ally exchange wry looks. Allow me to fill you in, Kid: JBJ is a nightclub singer, in a matter of speaking, ha ha ha. Ally's just a neurotic workaholic barfly, who often hallucinates and has multiple sex partners. Ally keeps her mouth shut, and scrapes up the poker chips for another hand.
Aerial shot of Boston, woo. In her kitchen, Ally disapprovingly stirs her big gaudy mug of coffee. Bonnie comes in, all bubbly about her two smash performances at the bar the night before. Bonnie says, "You should have been there," and Ally says, "I want [Kid] to come live with me. I want her! I-I'm serious." Ally thinks she can provide a better home for Kid, and she "wants [Kid]." That seems like a not at all selfish reason. Kid, be Ally's. The end. Oh damn, we're only forty minutes in. Sigh.
A bearded man testifies about Richard and John's client. It is a real neurological disorder to mistake people for inanimate objects, as described by Oliver Sacks, doctor. I remember the book The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat. My mom has it. The disorder can't really be explained, though. Is this funny? Am I supposed to laugh that this man killed his wife because he suffers from a one-in-a-million disorder? No? Good.
Ally and Bonnie argue some more. Ally calls Bonnie "a struggling nightclub singer." Bonnie parries and thrusts: "And you're a lawyer!" Ooh, low but accurate blow. Bonnie meant that Ally works long hours. Ally says she can be home by six each night. Ally says she "is desperate to change her life," and that a "child should be with her mother, not her aunt." Bonnie hollers that "a genetic relationship does not a parent make." Ally says she didn't say that. Bonnie says she did so say that, too. Ally is "less informed," and "has no idea" what a child needs. Word, infinity. Ally says this all means something, and that Kid asked to live with Ally, and asked Ally "to take her." Oh my god, TAKE IT TO COURT, for Christ's sake. Isn't that what lawyers love? That, and to rant about the constitution?
Cage & Fish. John argues that Richard shouldn't close, because Richard stinks. He stammers and stutters and says this is hard for him to say. Richard asks, "You're gay?" John is not gay. He thinks Richard "has no business being in a courtroom," and is "a joke" as a litigator. Richard says John is threatened by the idea that Richard could be good at what John does, and that he'll do the closing. Nyah. John holds up the photo of the late wife with the soccer ball illustration and screams that Richard is "a lousy trial lawyer!" Richard is unchanged.
Ally and Bonnie, still in their morning clothes, sneak up to Kid's room, I guess, and eavesdrop on Kid and JBJ. They're playing Monopoly. First thing in the morning. Or maybe they just played all night? What is JBJ doing there? Does he live there now? And, are he and Ally doing it? Why isn't he fixing Ally's "corroded pipes"? What is she paying him for? Anyhoo, Kid says she and Bonnie used to be best friends, but now it's less fun to hang out. JBJ says that parenting requires discipline. Kid says she hears Bonnie crying at night. JBJ says that's when adults cry -- at night. Oh, is that when you cry, JBJ? At night, when you watch this bad show you're on? Squeeze out a few tears for me, JBJ. C'mon. Cry. Cry! Kid -- who has such great, self-sacrificing emotional maturity she should be canonized -- says she wants Bonnie "to have the life she wants, the life she planned." Thus, Kid should live with Ally. JBJ says, "Look at me, honey. You really want to live with Ally?" Kid says she "has a good feeling about" Ally, and that Ally "wants [her]." Kid is the only person alive who ever had a good feeling about Ally. The oboe plays sadly, and Ally looks serious.
Ally and Bonnie talk some more. Ally says it would be "impossible" for Bonnie to raise Kid, and if Bonnie wasn't prepared for Ally to take the Kid from her, why did she have "a P.I. check [Ally] out?" Fifty-one minutes, forty seconds. Ally says she thinks Bonnie would "make a great mother," but tells her to "be honest." Bonnie sighs.
Closing arguments. Opposing side lawyer is all, "Please, he killed her." Richard sits still, then stands up. After a bad pun (they first dated "just for kicks"), he does a fine job, once again citing Oliver Sacks, describing the tumor and its effect, and concludes by saying that "truth is stranger than fiction. You can't fake a brain tumor."
Kid gets to choose...I mean, "say what she thinks"...I mean, says "what [she] feels." Kid feels "a hole," because she never had a mother. So, this fertility clinic just gave a guy an egg, just like that? That happens? Oh, forget it. Kid asks to be alone with Ally. Bonnie exits, and Kid flatly asks if Ally "is ready for this. Really." Ally says yes, because she has had a "hole" as well -- one that she "thought would be filled by a man." Hee! Oh, she means a hole inside her. It still sounds dirty. "Maybe the hole turned out to be [Kid]." Ally continues by saying that she knows "this sounds crazy, but part of [her] knew [Kid] was out there." Ally spent a lot of "money on therapists" trying to surmise "who that guy was," and the guy was "a ten-year-old girl! And she's home." Wow, way to make a kid feel special. I had a hole, waah waah waah! Kid asks if she's to call Ally "Mom." Ally says she thinks she "hasn't earned that." Oh, WORD to that. None of this has been earned. Not one bit.
The jury returns. They say the defendant's not guilty. Yes! Or something. Whatever.
Bar. Glenn sings a Dean Martin song that is also the episode title, "A Kick in the Head." Subtle as a guess what. You got it. John and Richard drink beer and make up, I guess, after John kisses Richard's ass.
Kid and Bonnie say their goodbyes. Bonnie is all, I'm adding a new song, wanna hear it? It's the theme (not jingle) to The Partridge Family. Bonnie sings a few lines, then cries. She'll send Kid's things, this is only "a trial," Ally promises they'll visit New York soon, Bonnie and Kid hug. The piano tinkles softly. Arrivederci, Bonnie Boone. "Now what," asks Kid. Now, Ally shows Kid her room, after they hug. Oh, barf.