Previously on Ally McBeal: Ally saw Jon Bon Jovi and stammered. He said he has to "bring her electricity up to code," and that he'll be "working in her basement." Kimmy Bishop paid a matchmaker $23,000 (yowsa!) to find her a mate, and was pronounced "unmatchable." Nell Carter, matchmaker, said she "loves challenges," and that she'd love to fix up the Biscuit. Jon Bon Jovi was all, I'm going to be working on your house again, some more. Ally stammered in approval again, some more.
Ally and Elaine walk the "streets" of "Boston." Elaine has a great red coat on, with va-va-voomy black stiletto boots. Ally has a vintage-looking belted purple coat, pants, and very childlike, oversized gloves. Elaine is asking why she needs to go to court with Ally. Ally says it's because she's meeting with a criminal, and that she's scared of criminals. And of everything else, too, but let's not split hairs. Elaine sees a batch of workmen working, leers, grabs Ally's hand, and stops in her tracks. I guess Elaine can't walk when her juices are flowing. Elaine is all, "That is hot." The workmen work on, oblivious. Ally and Elaine morph into herding dogs, then roll over and whine on the sidewalk. Oh, boy. DEK, did you not hear the discussion on the boards? Movers and bicycle messengers are hot. Contractors and construction workers, not. It's a rule. The women walk by, and Elaine babbles on about how "desperate" she is, and that she just hired Kimmy's matchmaker, as did both Richard and Corretta. Ally flashes back to when she and Billy were kids, and she sniffed his butt. On auto-pilot and leading with her nose, she walks over to Jon Bon Jovi's butt and takes a deep whiff. Then, she gasps, covers her face with her giant gloves, and rushes over to Elaine, who is gleefully shocked at Ally's bizarre, neurotic boldness. Ally asks that Elaine tell no one. JBJ straightens up and asks if he can smell Ally's butt now. Oh, what a zingy, witty courtship they have going. Please, just go do it already. Thank you.
Vonda's been doooown, she's been down, down, down....
Aerial shot of Boston, DRINK! Finally, the credits make sense. JBJ is a "special" guest star, Nell Carter right behind as a guest star, and Albert Hall gets third billing. Okay. Ally and Elaine land in the courthouse's holding cell, and the guard lets them a barred room containing Frank from Murphy Brown. Elaine and Ally are jumpy and skittish. Ally looks at Frank, and the music swells angelically. He smiles with the warmth of a thousand suns. She's all, do I know you? He's all, no, "but thank God you're here!" Ally's all, since your trial starts today, I'd better not jump in, and I'm not a criminal lawyer. He says he saw her in arraignment, got "a picture book of all the lawyers," and tracked her down. Because "the other lawyers don't get it." And, Ally can fly. He knew it the minute he saw her. Sure, yeah. Ally looks at him nuttily. But she's into it. This is so Melrosian.
Nell Carter is asking Richard, Corretta, and the Biscuit their preferences in a mate. Corretta wants "tall, dark, and handsome." Richard: "Something in a wattle." John is disgruntled. Elaine walks in and says she "dreams of a man who wants to make love to [her] as [she] sings a song on stage. One song after another, after another." Sounds like torture. Is that what Barbra Streisand wants in a man? Richard wants "a kind, gentle woman, who is thin but used to be fat so the skin stretched and just hangs from her neck. A woman with drip wattle." Oh, boy. John complains some more. Richard says John wants Ally. The music gets jouncy, and John storms out.
Richard walks into the Uni, where John is patting his face with paper towels. Richard asks if John is "hurting." John says Richard's comment was "deeply humiliating." Richard says it's no more humiliating than showing up alone to the bar every night. Since "women find money less attractive these days, we need the help" of Nell Carter. Then Richard drops the bomb: "I'm lonely, John." John delivers the reaction shot this line deserves. Isn't having a matchmaker desperate? Richard says, "We're not above desperate." The music is sad. Me, not so much. If I were music, I'd be making a "duh" noise.
Trial. The guy on the witness stand says he heard Frank, the defendant, "making a ruckus," and that Frank had invaded his home nine times. Frank jumped out of his window, wearing homemade wings. Then, he fell to the ground "with a thud." I guess he thought he could fly?
Back in the holding cell, Frank said he didn't just fall, or his legs would have been broken. Ally suggests they use an insanity defense. Frank incredulously asks, "How am I insane?" Ally stammers and "um"s" Then Frank is all, "What happened to you? You're a flyer! I know you are!" Ally stammers and smiles, then says she used to dream about flying, sometimes. I think it is so great that he saw Ally and pegged her for a lunatic with one look. I think people can find each other like that; you know, like Cheerios clinging together in a bowl through some kind of magnetic force. The nutty find one another. It's almost romantic, if it weren't so insane. Ally says, stammering as she does, that they need to stress that Frank didn't break in to steal. Oh, and she paid his bail, so he's free to go: "You aren't considered a flight risk." Oh, my knees, I am slapping them. Okay, Frank asks if, when Ally tried to fly, was she "[trying] to escape"? Uh, non sequitur? Me no get.
Vonda starts singing "Killing Me Softly," and Ally stomps away from the courthouse. She stomps along until she sees JBJ posing...I mean, "looking at blueprints." All the other construction workers are assembled nearby, also not working. JBJ looks put-out and embarrassed. Ally stammers, and apologizes for "this morning." JBJ does a hair sweep, and squints. Ally stammers her way through her butt-sniffing explanation. JBJ says that construction workers are not sex objects put on street corners for corporate women's amusement. Oh, boy. Since when do men object to being objectified? What a load. That would be like a rock star saying groupies are an unpleasant part of the territory. JBJ is lucky he's pretty. He introduces his crew, to humanize them to the crude Ally. She apologizes, says it was nice to see him, and carefully steps away. Christ.
Aerial shot of a Boston sunset, drink. Frank's sister is in Ally's office, saying Frank's crazy, is obsessed with flying, and breaks into their old house "incessantly." He could go to jail for a long time, and pleading crazy is "his only chance," says Ally. And we should care why? Oh yes, because we dream of flying and shit. Yeah.
Ally stomps her way along the "Boston" "streets." Vonda sings. Ally arrives at Frank's apartment, which is loaded with wings of different, homemade varieties. He excitedly shows her blueprints of his wing things. He says some feathers are "fabulous." And that he's "been working out." Ally says he needs to let her "argue diminished capacity," and why is he trying to fly? He "just has to." He needs a quest, like Don Quixote. Who was crazy, Ally points out. Franks says she reminds him of Dulcinea. Ally freaks. Her father used to sing "Dulcinea" to her as a kid. Frank asks her to tell him about when she would fly. The screen fades to black. Oh, it's just a commercial. I should drink more.
Aerial shot of Boston, woo! Elaine dances into the Uni, happy she has a match at last. Corretta is happy; John, not so much. Nell Carter dances into the Uni and tells John he doesn't have to go through life unloved, and did he really wear a bodysuit to attract women? John says he doesn't want "to engage the services" of Nell Carter. She says she will "drop him like a stone," and that his co-workers feel he's "so lovesick he's starting to curdle." Elaine says, "It's true. You used to be taller." Hee. Nell says, "Either he needs to go to love, or love needs to go to him."
Frank is on the stand. He says he was "sent to [his] room" a lot as a kid. So he got the idea to jump, or "fly." He dreamed "of just flying away" from the sound of his parents fighting, "when music couldn't drown it out." As he talks on the stand, Ally flashes back to when she was a little girl and her parents fought, and she would fly out her window and all around the city, at night. Thank god I can drink for this, since it's a lot of aerial shots of a little girl on a blue screen with a night sky behind her. Oh man, ever see the movie Half Baked? There are some great flying sequences in there. A rottweiler even flies. It's pretty genius. This, however, not so much. Frank testifies on the stand about flying, thus escaping the sound of his domestic troubles, and we get a kid Ally, on the "adorable" level of a Welch's grape juice pitch-kid, "zooming" around a night sky, giggling like Lois Lane. Like, what the fuck ever. Albert Hall, the judge, is all, hello? The trial? Ally is in a reverie. Anyway, Frank feels compelled to return to his childhood home to jump from the window and fly across a nearby river, to break a cycle of failure, or something like that. Because he has to prove to himself that he can fly. His parents used to say he was "off," but if he can accomplish clearing the river, he'll not be off, or something like that.
Aerial shot of Boston at night, thank the lord. Richard is at the bar, blabbering on about skiing to his date. She's an older woman with one hell of a wattle. She says she feels he's only interested in her for her neck. He calls it a "love curtain." Okay, I'm just going to keep drinking here.
Nelle, Corretta, the Biscuit, and Elaine all watch Richard's date, from a distance. John says he can't believe Richard is interested in "that artifact." Corretta coughs, "Grump." Elaine is looking forward to meeting her date tonight. Corretta wonders why she hasn't been paired up yet, and John says it's because she listed "intelligence" as a criterion. She coughs, "Old! Man!" Heh. Nell Carter brings Elaine's date: it's JBJ. He looks a lot less than thrilled to see the woman who ogled him on the street earlier. In fact, he looks grossed out. Elaine says he "looks even cuter upright." Oh, don't objectify JBJ. He hates that shit. She's all, I sing: "Would you like to hear me sing?" Everyone at the table makes an "uh oh" or a "yeesh" face. I just drink.
Ally knocks on Frank's door. She has some news for him. The charges will be dropped, if he puts away his wings and never breaks into that house again. Frank asks if he can jump off the roof instead. Negatory, good buddy. He sits at his drafting table, and Ally reminds him that even Don Quixote had to stop tilting at windmills. Frank, who knows poetry, says that he rose up again at the end. And Dulcinea shouldn't tell him to quit! Ally gets that nutty-but-you-love-it look on her face and says that he described her flying exactly. Parents fighting, music, flap flap flap all over town. And, there's medication for Frank's condition, she learned. He's all, you talked to my doctor? The one treating me for cancer? Oh, he has CANCER now. That's a little detail best shared in the beginning, but saved in this instance for "dramatic" purposes. He says when his "time comes, [he] will fly over that river." Euphrates? Or Hades?
Aerial shot. Bar. Elaine is singing the theme to Flashdance. JBJ watches uncomfortably. Nelle says that this song is just the beginning.
Nell Carter asks John to dance -- to see if he can dance, that is. He passes. Corretta coughs, "Fart!" Hee. Wow, Elaine has a headset mic. She's, um, dancing. Can I just tell you, one of my friends' brothers thought a line in this song was "take your pants off! And make it happen!" It scans. Anyway, JBJ drinks. Me too.
Ally asks Frank, "Are you going to die?" Ally? We're all going to die, at some point. We all die. It's called life. Worm food -- that's us. Frank says he needs to try soon since his "flapping is bound to get anemic." Oh, my GOD. Thirty-nine minutes in, twenty-one or so left. Help me, Mr. Daniels. Not Charlie. You. Jack. Ally asks whether the flying is about escaping death. This show is death. He says she "can have an ambulance there, if it gives [her] peace of mind." Oh, so this is about ALLY now? Of course it is. Silly me. One jump is all he wants. It's the last wish of a dying man.
Frank's sister is pissed, demanding, "Since when is it a lawyer's job to enable someone's madness?" When you hire Ally McBeal, is when. That's what it says on her card: "Enabling Madness Since 1997." Dude, FIRE Ally and get another freaking lawyer! Frank tells his sister he's dying of cancer, and her tune changes from hysterical to quiet. Let a dying man jump off a roof, because he wants to fly! Please? Pretty please? Today, before chemo starts? "Well, then. Can I see these new and improved wings?" Sure! Three o'clock? No, really.
JBJ pops into Ally's office. She stammers and asks why he's there. He's looking for Elaine, his date. She laughs in his face. It's okay, he's going to dump her, because she sang to him and it sucked. Ally drags him into her office and says JBJ cannot dump Elaine for her singing. Elaine walks in. JBJ asks Elaine to have dinner with him. Whatever.
Staff meeting. John Cage is all, why are we meeting? To save the company. Because a loveless John means no good business. Although they've been doing pretty well so far this year. Glenn sings "We Gotta Get You A Woman." Everyone claps in time and sings along. It's a musical intervention. No, really. John walks out, and Nell Carter is lurking nearby. She takes the verse, and the chorus. The whole office is into it. Elaine takes a line and belts it out. I can't believe this is happening.
Frank stands in his old bedroom, as the guy that was suing him just a few hours ago negotiates the details of Frank jumping off his roof. Ally stands there, too. This is such bullshit. Frank is all, I can do it! The guy leaves the room. Ally hallucinates a little boy standing by the window. Then, she hallucinates a little girl. Frank blathers on about how it'll be so great to jump off the roof. He asks that Ally stand on the other side of the river, since that's where he'll "be coming down." Yeah, great, is this episode over yet?
Not yet. Frank stands with his wings as his worried-looking sister, Ally, and a cop stand around. Oh, do cops let people jump off roofs if lawyers say it's okay? The sister says she wishes their parents were alive. "They'd be proud." Oh, that is HORSESHIT! This episode is a disaster. Enron-ish, even. They hug. I barf. Ally is all, "I feel like I've known you forever." Franks says he isn't "dying today." He tells her to stand by his sister, and that they "have known each other forever." Fake mysticism alert, whoop whoop!
John and Richard are fighting about the intervention. Richard says they're "getting old," and that the place they're in now "is not it." John is all, "Wow," because since when does Richard want to fall in love and have a family? Seriously.
Ally, Frank's sister, and the cop all watch as Frank spreads his wings on the rooftop. Frank's sister says, "Flap hard. Flap like the madman you are." The cop calls up, "How you doing there, sir?" Oh, kill me NOW. Frank says there's a saying he's blanking on. Is it, "This show sucks"? No, the cop says, "Now or never." Frank's sister begs the lord to "please let him land softly." Ally promises she'll "go to church." I promise I'll quit drinking if this show gets good. Frank starts to sing. He runs forward. He flaps. And flies. The closed captioning says, "triumphant orchestral music plays." He's totally flying. Then he gets over the river, and he gets a little low. "Distressed orchestral music" plays. It's close. There's an ambulance on the other side. Ally gasps. But he just makes it, touching down on the other side of the river and falling on his face. Then he gets up and cheers. "I flew! I flew!" Then he collapses, and the paramedics swarm. "Dischordant, percussive orchestral" music plays. It sounds a little like ER, but with more suck. Everything is slo-mo -- even the reaction shots of Ally.
Boston at night. Ally sits in her office. Frank's sister walks in. Frank had a heart attack. The cancer medicine weakened his heart. Services will be week; she'll let Ally know. And thanks, Ally. Ally is all, I "helped to kill him." Frank's sister is all smiles: "Because of you, he got to fly!" Ally made him happier than anyone ever did. She'll never forget Ally "for giving him that moment. My brother flew! He flew!" Yeah, great, see you later. Ally goes, "Sorry for your loss," which could be a shout-out since they always say that on NYPD Blue. Vonda sings "A Hundred Tears." Ally sees a little girl in the window. Aerial shot of Boston at night. The end, thank god.