Previously on Ally McBeal: John was gone, so Fish usurped his hole (heh). Reverend Harris (from last season) met Ally and foisted some kid Malcolm -- who must have really needed a lawyer bad -- on Ally. Ally told Malcolm to sing at his prom. Malcolm said he wouldn't go to his prom alone. What about prom, Ally. No, Ally, WHAT! ABOUT! PROM! Just say it. Say it! I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY IT! Sorry, lapsed into Pretty in Pink there for a second. John returned, and wouldn't "account for [his] absence." La-di-fricken-DAH! Fish asked that John address the firm, and John gave a pretty speech about happiness "at the end of the day," and how happiness isn't about "property" or material things. Ally told Malcolm he had a gift. No, really. No. Really.
Okay, before we get into the action, may I just offer a prayer that this show is not in any way a reference to the disaster that happened on September 11? As I write this, it's the three-month anniversary of the worst thing to happen in our lifetimes, and while The Daily Show is doing a fine job making with the funny, and Sars wrote a pretty great piece about it on Tomato Nation, there is just no way David E. Kelley can write anything of merit about this. Just how I feel. Dancing babies, drooling tongues, and outrageous gender stereotypes/parodies? Yes, DEK, that's your turf. It's all staked out for you. National disaster, with a massive global/social/economic impact? Don't. Touch it. Please. Now more than ever, just churn out your usual pabulum. This is my plea.
Okay, it's a snowy evening on the "streets" of "Boston." Vonda sings a repugnant ditty about one day seeing a December where "men are free" and don't "play with bombs" and "peace on earth." I have to say that in these difficult times, one thing that has gotten me through are the original songs penned by musicians affected by the events of 9/11. Talk about the unintentional funny! Larry King had a few great ones on, one by a guy with a moustache so huge Gene Shalit was jealous. His was called "Where Stars and Stripes and Eagles Fly." And on our local morning news show, a band fronted by a cop (who, I have to say, did not rock) did a little number called "Change." Because things? After 9/11? Have changed. Okay, Ally is crossing the "street" with a shopping bag of gifties, and the snow is all snowy and twinkly and she sees someone standing by a cemetery grave marker. She approaches and is all, "Sir? You okay? Because, you know, I saw you by the headstone and just was wondering if I could help the mourning along. You okay?" Great. The end. But no. The guy, who happens to be wearing a collar, has lost his wife. Ally says she's sorry. He thanks her. So, can she do anything? Yes. She can go away. Thank you! The end. No, I wish. So, is Ally "an angel, a saint, a prophet?" Nope. An attorney. Collar is all, o-ho! One of those! And he was all asking G-d for a SIGN of some sort! Ally actually says "the lord acts in mysterious ways." Oh, the ARROGANCE to imply that her standing there is a message from G-d. But, of course, Collar needs an attorney. He may have an wrongful termination suit. He was canned because he doesn't believe in You Know Who anymore. The big one. The man upstairs. G-d. Even though a second ago he was just asking someone for a sign...oh, whatever.
Vonda's been down, she's been down down down....
It's a beautiful fall day in Boston. Of course, just last night it was snowing, but whatever. Vonda is all super-jouncy, and singing, "Ji-hin-ingle bell-ell-ells, woohoo! Christmas!" Or something. Staff meeting. Ally's going over the Collar's case, and him not believing in G-d anymore since his wife was killed. Everyone else is all incredulous and eating giant Christmas cookies. Ally just asks for the case, saying she "[doesn't] ask for much." Oh, in that case. John's up , working on a case he knows nothing about; he's meeting the client shortly. Moving along. Fish asks that everyone sign waivers because of all the sexual harassment that will occur at the firm's upcoming Christmas party. He asks that Jenny invite her hot mom, Jackie Bisset. Yeah, more Jackie Bisset! Jenny says she isn't "comfortable" with Fish "dogging [her] mom." Fish is a dog, hee. He reminds everyone to have a "yuletide spirit" like the song, "Wattle Wonderland," and meeting adjourned.
Hey, John's client is Peter Scolari! He's awesome. He's suing because the Mayor of his town (Jackman) canceled Christmas. Even though it was the town's industry. They can't get a permit to have a grassroots Christmas parade. The children are heartbroken. Oh, boy.
The lawyer for the parish (or whatever) tells Ally that they love her client and want him to continue being the minister. But he can't tell the congregation that he doesn't believe in G-d anymore, or "that God doesn't believe in us," or no longer cares, or things of that agnostic nature. Dude, Collar's having a crisis. The oboe plays sadly. There goes the piano!
The judge lambastes John for bringing the Christmas parade suit in front of him. But, your honor! It's about CHRISTMAS! Oh man, are we really only ten minutes into the show? John calls the judge a "grumpy lump" and "your curmudgeoness" and asks that his client get five minutes. That'll do.
Glenn and Elaine are practicing a "rocking" holiday number in the bar. Elaine rubs herself all over Glenn, who thinks that any display of overt sexuality isn't proper for an office holiday party. Oh, what a babe in the woods Glenn is! Or should I say "boy." This must be his first holiday party. But not, I bet, the first time he's wanted to Xerox his ass. Elaine says that Glenn is "a stocking stuffer" and that he should just shake his thang, already. Agreed.
More aerial shots of Boston. Drink! Ally's in church, talking to Collar. How does he really feel about the G-d stuff? And how did his wife die? She was shot by a mugger. Ally says she believes the lord "gave man free will." Collar says, "Given the times, that seems to be a flagrant display of discretion." Collar's having a crisis, whoop whoop! Ally is all, what do you say to comfort people who have lost loved ones? That's a trick question -- don't answer her, Collar! He says he "fire[s] off a few sacred platitudes and pray[s] that they buy it." Oh, he's so cynical! Love it. Collar sits at a pew and puts his chin in his hands, dismayed. He can't even help his own son, he says. His son, who sings so prettily with "the voice of God," which Collar doesn't believe in anymore. And the son doesn't sing anymore either. Gee, I wonder who the son could be. Ally is all, "Is this what this is about? Helping your son?" It's probably about a lot of things, you half-wit.
Aerial shot, wooo! Vonda's all, "Jingle and jangle and la-dah-di-doo, in the frosty AAAAAAIHHR!" Ally enters John's office. He's dressed like a Christmas elf. His elf shoes don't fit, his elf underwear is riding up, and he's pissy. Ally is all, "I'm not equipped to deal with someone who's lost God." And she thinks he's most bummed about the fact that his son won't sing. John is all, go talk to the son, then. A guitar plinks gently.
"Boston" "street." Vonda's all, "Haaaave yo'self a meeeerry, leedle, Chriiiist-maaas." Ally, in a great black double-breasted coat with two cute rows of buttons (it's like a peacoat, but cuter), stalks the street. She rings a doorbell. Oh, the suspense. The door opens and it's Malcolm. Ally feigns surprise. Oh, come on, didn't you see the "previously" clips? We all did. They're all happy to see each other. Then, she's all, oh man! Is Collar your dad? So sorry about your mom! Malcolm is okay, thanks. Can Ally come in? She needs to talk to him. Malcolm says sure.
Oh, poor Peter Scolari. He's on the stand, saying that you celebrate Christmas "where you live, not in someone else's yard." That's like a paraphrase of "not in my back yard," except that he wants this in his yard. Christmas, that is. Cancelling Columbus Day or Labor Day is okay. But Christmas? No. I can't believe this is happening. Wing, I'm losing faith. No wait, there it is. I do believe that David E. Kelley sucks! I do!
The bar. Elaine is rubbing herself all over Glenn, singing, "Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney, va-va-va-voom!" Glenn points out that "this doesn't seem to be a duet." Elaine is all, oh, but it is. Then Jenny gets on a mic and asks what's going on. The band stops. Jenny asks Elaine to "keep [her] grubby, horny little paws off Glenn." Elaine obeys.
Yet another street scene. Ally's sipping tea with Malcolm in his beautiful living room. Um, whose house is this? Didn't he just get out of high school? What kid sips tea while staring out the window? Ally is all, hey, kid? Didn't you sing in another Collar's choir? Doesn't this connection seem kind of tenuous? No, she doesn't. Anyway, Malcolm doesn't want to sing anymore and he "can't make it happen." He can't even listen to music anymore. And why did his mother "have to be shot in the neck?" Youch, that's rough. It isn't that he's angry at G-d -- just that he "doesn't feel like talking to him much." Sure. It takes time. 'Til about the end of the episode, I'd say.
Fish and John are talking. John's hanging upside down in the Uni, preparing the cross for the Christmas case. But there's something else. "The world is desperate," says John. "Oh, that," says Richard. Heh. So, John rents the elf costume every year, to "imbue himself with tidings" and all, and when he went to get the suit, the place was filled with Santa costumes, because "no one wants to be Santa anymore. We've all flatlined." Richard doesn't know how to respond to that. I can: things take time to get over. You can't rush it, or force it. You just need to take the time to heal. Okay? Fish asks if he can redecorate the hole. John is all, gotta go back to court. He splits. Corretta emerges from a stall and asks if Fish could maybe have given more. Yeah, RIGHT. Corretta, is this your second season? And you still don't know? Then she asks if the holiday party will in fact be a party, because she thinks they "all need one." Now, more than ever. We need to party. Hearty. Or down, whichever you prefer.
Aerial shot of Boston. I feel dizzy. Some punk band (U.S. Bombs? Me First and the Gimme Gimmes? I don't know) is doing a rendition of "Joy to the World." Good for them. And, thank G-d it isn't Vonda. See, there is a G-d! Yay! The Mayor of The Town That Cancelled Christmas is on the stand. People died in the fire that destroyed the Christmas factory, and they can barely afford to pay the school teachers, and he can't endorse the "wasteature" of the funds it would take to put on the Christmas dog, as it were. John objects to the word "wasteature." Not me. I love made-up words. It makes Scrabble so much fun! The judge sustains John's objection. The Mayor won't issue permits because six firemen died in the fire, and "now is not the time to be having parades!" It's "disrespectful" and "blatant inappropriatism." Hee! John is all, move to strike! The judge asks that the Mayor only use real words. Aww. John is all, what about the people "that need this holiday?" The Mayor says that, as a politician, he "has to look beyond what the public needs, sometimes." Yeah, politics is so not about the people, ever. So, the Mayor and his town won't observe Christmas this year, because they need time to mourn, and "out of common courtesyism." Hee.
Glenn and Elaine, still practicing in the bar. She's still rubbing herself all over him.
Ally's talking to Collar, saying it is odd for a Collar to tell his congregation that his faith is out the window, and that there is no G-d. Collar is all, have you ever had someone you love die, in your arms, at all, ever? Why yes -- Billy, in fact. Presumptuous much, Collar? And besides, think of your boy, the singing angel. He needs help too. Aww. Go, oboe, go!
Jenny stalks over to Elaine's desk. She's heard that Elaine is still coming on to Glenn, and raises her fists. Then, she pushes Elaine, as a "warning." Jenny? Elaine could stomp you and eat your bones in half a second. They shove each other back and forth for a bit, then raise fists to each other. John sees the mini-melee and tries to intervene. Jenny socks him in the jaw and he goes flying. Oh, right. John mightily loses his temper and is all, "Let's just fight! 'Tis the season, after all!"
Collar sits down with some tea and says that it isn't that he doesn't believe in G-d, but that "it isn't enough" to lead the congregation with. Or his son Malcolm. Ally asks whether Collar hasn't gone through this, in a way, with "hundreds of congregants' families," and doesn't he think he'll come through the hard times himself? Well, Collar's wife, after being shot, asked the shooter to "dial 911," as she was lying there dying. And the fact that she asked her killer that means she believed in a goodness that is...I don't know, not real? And everyone, please take note that DEK is using the numbers of our emergency phone system to refer to a great tragedy and make this everyday poignancy ripe with meaningosity. Don't let it work on you! I'd like to know how they know she asked that. Was the shooter brought to justice and convicted? Did he confess to the crime, and repeat her words? But that doesn't matter. What does matter is, not that she's dead, so much, but that she's so "gone." And "every day she's more gone." Collar cries and apologizes to his son. Malcolm tries to squeeze out a few tears. He's a singer, not an actor. Hey, Ally's hair looks kind of good. The piano switches from sad to hopeful as she begins her stupid monologue, which I wish would be a clip show, because that's how it sounds. She "rejects" what Collar has just said. She recalls Cancer Boy asking her to sue G-d, and Billy dying in her arms, again. She sees him as a ghost, and talks to him in her mind, because "she'll never let him go." And Malcolm should sing to his mom because she's still here, too.
John and Ally are sitting on a couch, talking. She says this case is "playing into [her] biggest fear." Don't they all? Anyway, this week Ally's biggest fear is that "when people are gone, they're gone." She means dead, or written off, like Lisa Nicole Carson, or RDJ, right? The idea that "we all become nothing" bums her out. She asks John to tell her something good. He offers, "We have souls." Ally looks unconvinced. So, how about that town that canceled Christmas? That working out okay? John is all, now, more than ever, we need shit like this, because we have all become "deadened." Has John become "deadened," asks Ally? It's not the town that's lost Christmas, it's John! Oh, the piano is working overtime. John says that shopping makes him feel anxious, and he hasn't lost anything, really. He tries his smile on and it slips.
Vonda sings about a teeny weeny widdle Christmas tree that nev'r had groooown. Kaboom. Ally's decorating a tree and Collar is all, isn't it kind of late to be doing that? Christmas Eve? Ally stammers that it's better than not putting one up at all. Collar says he has his job back and he's giving midnight Mass, if he can think of anything to say. And what he feels is, he "needs to believe in what [Ally] said, that she's still here. Otherwise, evil wins." OH MY FUCKING G-D, David Kelley, THIS is what you come up with? If we don't _____, the _____ have already won? You fucking hack. Present your knuckles for smacking, please. Ally smiles and says "we can't let that happen." Ally? THE EVIL HAS WON. And you know that already, you freak.
Jenny and Glenn are in the Uni. Glenn's all, "Punch anyone lately?" Hee. Jenny says Glenn is "prettier than" she, which means he is "gettable," and that she's "insecure." Glenn says she's the most beautiful woman he's ever laid eyes on. Aww. He's not just saying that? No, it's true. And Elaine needs to hear it. Elaine comes out of a stall and apologizes. "I'd never hit on another girl's boyfriend. Not for real, anyway!" Heh. It was just part of the act. Which is what Elaine's whole life is, anyway: "Just an act." Aww!
The Mayor's lawyer is presenting his final argument, or something. The Mayor can't allow a parade because "the town has had a catastrophic year." Dude, tell it to the people of New York and Washington. "Financially and human-ly," to throw a parade just because it's a tradition "mocks joy." Oh, come on. Who doesn't love a joyless parade? "You don't just check the calendar, push a button and start laughing. That trivializes happiness." Okay. John begins, with "respectfulism" to the Mayor. Now more than ever, we need Christmas. That is all. Drink! No. "It is no honor to the fallen for the surviving to stay down. We just want to go on." And celebrating Christmas helps us do that. John's holding a Christmas ball in his hand as he argues. "Lets let the light shine, in [the firefighters'] honor." No skipping Christmas, okay? Okay.
Oh, Vonda, no. She says that the waaaeeether outsaaaaide is fraaaaiightful. But the faaaaa-re is sooo delaaaa-haaaighful. And since we've no place to gooo-oooh-woooah! Let it snow, to the third power. Malcolm knocks on Ally's door. Did she hear his dad got his job back? Yeah. And is it still supposed to be December 24th? Don't these people have families, or, you know, other things to do besides be in the freaking office? Guess not. Ally wants Malcolm to sing, for his dad and mom and for himself. Is that it? Yeah. Malcolm leaves. Merry Christmas.
Night. If we're to be believing in continuity, it's still Christmas Eve. The judge returns from chambers, "anxious to return to Whoville," says John. The judge agrees with John and finds for the plaintiff. Christmas parades for everybody! Hooray!
The bar's in full swing, which I guess is the office party. Vonda and Elaine sing side by side, about chestnuts and mistletoe and presents and grandma and all that other Christmas crap. Glenn and Jenny dance. Corretta, wearing a Marc Jacobs outfit (I think), listens to Fish natter on about how lame it is that Jenny's hot mom plans to be faithful to her new husband. Another aerial shot of Boston? Oh, it is the season to be merry, after all.
Ally's listening to Collar's midnight Mass address. He says that when his wife died, he felt "the soul of humanity had been murdered." Oh, dude! You're bringing everyone DOWN, man! Oh, but the "spirit truly is immortal." Oh, my bad. I should have let you finish. And, without further ado, heeeeere's Malcolm! Collar stands right behind him to get in the shot. Malcolm begins to sing, very beautifully, and with a little bit of echo. "Who can say for certain, maybe you're still here...your memory's still clear...." It's pretty, and Collar totally hams it up. "Are you gently sleeping, here inside my dream?" John marches in the town's Christmas parade. "You are miiiiiine! Forever, love! Watching me, from up above! And I believe that angels breathe. And that love will live on and never leave!" A man wipes his eyes, and the streets are filled with people marching with candles. Malcolm hits a note and the screen on my laptop grows blurry. I am not crying! I'm not! Ally is, though, and so is Collar. "A breath away's not far to where you are...I know you're there! A breath away's not far to where you are." Ally puts flowers on Collar's wife's grave. Sniff.