Previously, Fish gleaned that John was "really gone" because his hole was empty. Fish told Ally John was gone. Nelle was concerned that John was gone. Jenny told Ray that the "field is open" for them to date, and plus it would give Glenn a free pass to use on Ally. Glenn asked Ally out, and she said no "out of maturity." HA!
Oh lord, Vonda's singing "Tell Him," a chestnut so hoary it makes old episodes of Law and Order seem vibrant and fresh. Vonda singing "Tell Him" is like seeing Robert Redford on the big screen again, or Bon Jovi at the VH1 "music" "awards." Like, shouldn't they be retired by now? Or, ew, again? Anyway, we speed over an aerial shot of Boston (drink!) and finally land in El Shrinkador's office, where he is busting on Ally for going out with "Abercrombie and Fitchie boy" Glenn. Wasn't he urging this pairing before? In this scene, Ally is sporting non-scary fashion, wearing knee-high black boots, a black mini, and a cream crew-neck sweater, maybe cashmere. And the hair? Just a little bit frightening. Wow, we've made progress! But this is just the teaser. I can't get my hopes up. Anyway, Ally protests her shrink's teasing, and he says he's surprised to see her "predisposed towards fun." But she hasn't said how the date went yet. At the bar, they danced to "Turn the Beat Around," Vonda-style. Ally was "really going." And "this was the problem." She fiddles with her only-slightly-scary hair as we flash back to the bar, and see Ally wiggling madly in a pretty dress. See, when she dances, she gets "worked up." Or, as the doc creepily says, "hhhott." Oh, he is SO fired. Ally says, "sizzling." Ew, they're on the same sticky page. Ally says it really got bad at "that part" of the song. "That part"? She begins, with feeling: "When the guitar player starts playing with the syncopated rhythm, with the scratch, scratch, scratch, makes me wanna move my body, yeah, yeah, yeah." El Shrink, on cue, adds, "And when the drummer starts drumming that beat, he nails that beat with the syncopated rhythm, with a rat tat," "tat tat," "tat tat on the drums." They both get it. We see Ally back her child-sized caboose into Glenn's undulating lap. Does everyone get it now? So, the band plays, and we're in Ally's apartment, where she and Glenn kiss and fondle and undo some pieces of clothing until the song ends on a triumphant "yeah!" Then Ally pulls back and says, "No. It's too soon." The doc says, for some reason, "Thank god." Is he kidding? Glenn "accepts it," and leaves. Ally wonders if Glenn will think her to be a "penis teaser." Yeah. The doc says that since Glenn probably thought he had it in the bag, now he feels "rebuffed," and that Ally should "go to him" and "tend to his need." You mean his penis? Because men, or Glenn, need to know when the day of "carnal togetherness" is "coming," because if they don't know it's coming, they will "move on." Unless that's what Ally wants! Ally, what do you want? Her head snaps up. No expression.
Vonda's been down, she's been down down down...
Ally stomps along the "streets" of "Boston" to a punk rock version of "Tell Him." Still hoary! Then, a staff meeting. Glenn gives Ally the hairy eyeball. Fish goes over the details: Ling's TV judge show premieres today. Also, he'll be in court with Corretta as second chair, on a case about which he knows nothing at all, and John's back. John! Nelle looks happy. Fish has many questions. John is all, "Let's move along, it's my business, wade pool." Meeting's over.
Ally chases John down the hall, asking where he was, and saying she was worried. John says he left a note. Can they talk about it? Ally asks. "Not with him watching," says John. Ally's head whips around in speeded-up slo-mo. She sees Glenn. His head whips to look at something other than Ally and John. Ally whips her head back to look at John, who is gone. Then, another head whip back to Glenn. He's gone, too.
Ally creeps into Glenn's office. He's chowing on a hamburger. She's wearing the ugliest jacket I have ever seen. It's brown leather with brown and cream checks on it. Old men would hate this jacket. Frat boys dressing up like circa-'70s pimps would pass it up at the thrift store. Huggy Bear rejected this jacket when it turned up in the Mod Squad wardrobe closet. And the hair? Better, but still frightening. So, Ally apologizes for teasing Glenn's penis, which as anyone who lives in his or her body knows is a useless apology. Ally says that, in college, boys didn't look at her, and last night she felt like she was "living out a fantasy," which was "wrong," because she doesn't want to jump into bed with every "Tom, Dick, or Larry that comes along." Heh heh, oops, or not. Glenn is all, you don't want to sleep with me because it'd be unfair to whomever comes after me? "Why does it have to be so complicated? Why not sleep with me just to find out what you were missing in college?" Seriously. Ally rises out of her chair and imperiously says, "Statements like that make me realize I was missing nothing." I hate you, Ally McBeal. Glenn is all, thirty-one is too old for a twenty-eight-year-old? Wuh? Ally says she "hadn't wanted to sound crazy" with Glenn, but here goes: she feels like a "very old soul." Oh, for the love of all things on earth. Glenn, did you want to have to use a shovel with the girl you dated? To shovel shit with, and to maybe clang her across the back of the head? Because if you did, ding ding ding! You've won the jackpot. Ally says she and Glenn "come from different worlds." Sure -- the crazy world and the non-crazy world. And the two worlds can mix, but why? Ally stares at Glenn. Glenn, get the shovel.
Fish's clients are a beautiful woman and an older man. No, not Catherine and Michael. Not Billy Bob and Angelina. And no, Wing, not my grandpa and his third wife. The woman says she's been a criminal. She's scammed men for money. Richard is all, I feel you. Corretta is like, yeah he does. The woman got "big fat diamond rings" and would then break off the engagement. So now, she wants to get married to the guy in the room, but after her last sentence, the judge ordered she "stay away from all men over fifty," except for relatives. And that's against the what now? Say it with Corretta: the Constitution. So, the lady is reformed now, and Fish wants to take it to court so she can marry her geezer and get her big fat diamond ring. Whatever!
Ally stalks over to Glenn and asks that they have dinner tonight. Okay. Ray jumps off the elevator and is all, did I hear dinner? Let's double date! Even though Ally and Glenn don't want to, they say yes. Ray bounds off to tell Jenny, and Ally and Glenn share a round of mean, spiteful, insincere "great"s.
John is watching Judge Ling on TV. I would so totally watch if Ling got her own show. She's so cute, and so mean! The best of everything. If she would only hear cheating spouse cases, or drunken bar fight cases, I'd watch every day. Ling tells a defendant she doesn't care, and to sue whomever gave her that haircut. Nelle walks in, wearing a black leather kilt I totally want, and a black sleeveless turtleneck with a keyhole opening on her clavicle. She says, "Can you believe it? Treat people mean enough and eventually you'll have your own TV show." Oh, is that how it works? Then fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you, am I on? What's my best side? John is all, "Can I help you?" Nelle wants an explanation. As senior partner, he owes everyone that, for leadership purposes. And, is John okay? He's fine. And he missed Nelle too. Or something.
In the Uni, Ray and Jenny talk about how okay Jenny is with the impending double dinner date. Why wouldn't Jenny be fine with it? Glenn's also totally fine with it. Great! Ha ha. Except for the "great" part. John enters, and Ray is all, hey John, going into your hole? John stops, and his voice gets all Exorcist-y as he asks how Ray knows about his hole. Ray: "Richard had an open house after you left." John flicks his remote, but the frequency has changed. Ray offers his remote, and says he took Jenny in there for a little "nook." Jenny and I both say, "Shut up!" John enters his hole with trepidation, and finds his hole is no longer his hole anymore. ABBA's "Dancing Queen" blares, there're lava lamps and a bong (I could have imagined the latter), a case of champagne and, worst of all in John's eyes, a spinning disco ball. His jaw drops mightily, then he makes a face like a baby eating broccoli. Poor John.
John rages into Fish's office. "You installed a mirror ball in my hole! What a betrayal! You owe me a duty, a fiduciary duty, and you breached it royally!" Fish tries to "bygones" it and go off to court, but John isn't having it. He sputters and stammers and talks about the obvious violation until Fish begins to rant back. "You want to talk about duties, John? You're a senior partner. I don't just behold everyone as my partner, my friend, my colleague..." John grabs the boom box on Fish's desk and fast-forwards the tape Fish is lip-synching to. "You can't give it to me live?" Fish is all, "I have a lot to say, I want to make sure I get it all in." "You welcomed foreign bodies into my hole, and you lip-synch a lecture, you unbelievable oaf!" Richard says he has to go off to court now, adding, "you funny little ootz!" He leaves in a huff, and John wonders what an "ootz" is. Something Pennsylvania Dutch, maybe?
Ally comes into Jenny's office to cancel the double dinner date. Because she would feel funny because Glenn is Jenny's ex and blah bling blah, you know all this. Jenny begins to cry. Why? Because it's Jenny's birthday, and she thought everyone forgot then planned this dinner for a celebratory get-together. Ally backpedals madly and is all, it was, and me pretending cancelling was part of the surprise, ha ha! So nobody really forgot, oh no!
Ally confronts Glenn. How could he forget Jenny's birthday? And could Elaine do a number in the bar? Elaine is like, sure! Glenn is all, "Take me to court."
Richard is winging his way through court as usual, saying "E Pluribus Unum," and that no court can decide who can get married or not. (Gay people, pay no attention to this argument, since it doesn't concern you; nothing DEK writes does.) Corretta steps in and says the court order is victimizing people other than the woman sentenced -- namely, the guy she wants to marry, and who wants to marry her regardless of her criminal, heartbreaking, ring-taking, gold-digging past. Two consenting adults -- one male, one female -- want to get married, so can they? Can they can they can they? The woman stands up and says that this court order is not a good way "to promote healing of any kind." Because when two people -- one male, one female -- get married, it's like a salve to us all. A balm of legal, heterosexual-under-God loooove. The judge will take it under advisement, and the court will reconvene at seven. They'll be there.
Nelle walks into Ling's office, where "You Sexy Thing" is blaring and Ling is posing naked, with her hair and desk accessories cleverly hiding her bits. Nelle argues that this might not be a great thing. It's for the cover of Talk magazine! Oh, then definitely not great. Ling says, "It used to be that women stripped naked to have a chance at greatness. Now you have to do great things in order to have a chance to strip naked!" Yeah, like blow the president, or marry a millionaire, or be on Survivor. Great things, all. Portia is totally laughing when she reminds Ling that she has always thought a "woman is what she wears." So what is Ling today? "A role model. If I inspire one woman to go to law school or to have a perfect body, I've done my job." She commands the photographer to snap, and smiles and poses. A montage of shots follow. Poor Ling. Is this goodbye? I'm sad.
Ally enters John's office. To paraphrase Axl, she asks, where did he go? Where did he go now? Where did he go? John won't say. Well, it made everyone at the firm "nervous" with Fish at the head. Oh, really? Really. So, is John having a crisis? And is the crisis about Ally? Remember, when Ally didn't want to date John, remember that? Remember? Remember that huge, gaping wound Ally made? Huh? "Did that spur it on?" Nice choice, "spur." John asks about Glenn. She says he's "cute," but that she misses Larry, because Glenn's a boy and Larry's a man. John says that Larry left without saying goodbye, and men don't do that. Ally points out that John just did that. John: "Not from you, I didn't. I would never." Ally blinks and licks her lips: "It still isn't going to be you." Oh, Ally, you sadist. Then she chirps, "Still love you!" John says, "Right back at you." Sick, sick, sick. So, Ally's going to "try and stay open" to Glenn, she's glad John is back, but she wishes she knew "why [he] went away." She departs, leaving John alone in his office, wan and tiny. Sigh.
The double date is AWWWNNN! Ray and Jenny laugh and walk ahead. He has his arm slung around her neck. Ally and Glenn walk behind grimly, like a funeral procession. Glenn sees the fun stuff happening mere steps ahead of them, and slings his arm around Ally's neck. Now squeeze...damn. He's not squeezing.
Inside the restaurant, Ray toasts to Jenny on her birthday. Everyone takes a big sip, in preparation for the giant spit take coming up when Ray remembers out loud that this is the restaurant Glenn took Jenny to, then had sex with her afterwards for the first time. First-sex-having-dinner-place, woo! Glenn is all, dude! I told you that in confidence! And do you think you're going to have sex with Jenny after this? I cannot HANDLE this ridiculous dramedy shit anymore. Ray says there's something he's "wanted to broach" -- namely, have Glenn and Ally done it yet? Okay, that is IT. Oh man, we're only thirty-five minutes in. I can't give up now. Glenn is all, Jenny doesn't want to hear that! Ally reminds Glenn that she's Glenn's date, so "try sticking up for [Ally's] ears once in a while." That doesn't make any sense, DEK. Jenny lifts her glass and offers another toast. Because what this abnormal group needs is MORE BOOZE. "To friendship!" Yeah. How about this for a toast: "To swapping! To fuck-buddies! To incestuous relationships that are doomed from the start and only grew out of the fact that it was the most obvious and obviously most fucked-up thing to do to everyone involved! Cheers! Up your bottoms!" Ray and Glenn have a conference and learn that neither has fucked his date, as of yet. Now I'll guess I can mention that Jenny has on a Marc by Marc Jacobs dress, black with pink trim, the same one that Veronica Webb wore on the model episode of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. It's a cute dress, but with knee-high boots? Not right. Anyway, Ray and Jenny nuzzle a bit, and then there's a round of slo-mo/speeded-up head whipping as everyone looks at everyone else's reaction to the nuzzling. Oh, christ. Glenn leans in and tells Ally he's thought about last night and is "willing to wait." They kiss. Jenny asks if Ally and Glenn really have to suck face in front of her. Ally talks about how Jenny's lips sound when they "smack." Oh, my god. Jenny is willing to change the subject if it's present time. Except it seems no one got her a present. Ray says, "Prime rib later, I'm the little drummer boy." Not making it up! No, I don't know what he means. Then, Ally whips out a gift. Then Ray. What about Glenn? He doesn't have a wrapped box of something, but "it's all arranged" that he's going to sing at the bar for her. Ally mouths "it's all arranged" like the deranged child she is.
Court. The judge believes in "second chances" and tells the old man that he'll "be the one taking" the chance. Bang! goes the gavel. The man busts out the ring. It's huge! That gold-digger's hand will drag on the ground. What a healing testament.
The bar. For Jenny's birthday, Elaine is singing a song that ties in with the last scene, but has nothing to do with Jenny: "With This Ring." Elaine will always love Jenny, always love Jen? What-the-fuck-EVER. Jenny and Ray twirl on the dance floor. Fish busts through them and sits by John at the bar. Where did John go anyway? He isn't SAYING. AGAIN. John says "a man's hole is his temple." Hee. Fish thinks John should address the firm, because if the firm can't respect John, who does that leave? Richard Fish? John sees his point.
Ally and Ling are sharing a table and talking. No, seriously. Ling asks where Ally's date is. Getting ready to sing. Did Ling strip for a semi-nude layout? Ling says, "My character wasn't growing enough." Oh, Lucy Liu, I am so sorry you have to go out this way. Want me to egg DEK's car for you? Thy will be done.
Elaine finishes her song with a huge "thank you!" Jenny and Ray sit down. Ray says he bets Jenny has a "pretty decent rattle," and Ally calls him a pig. Glenn takes the stage and announces he's going to sing a little Elvis song. Jenny claps and giggles and squinches her shoulders like a wittle dirl. In her Marc Jacobs dress, it fits perfectly. At the bar, John says he thought he was Elvis in a prior life. Richard points out the Elvis lived in this life. "There's the rub," says John. Crack kills, DEK. That's all I can say. Glenn starts singing "You Are Always on My Mind," which makes me think of the Willie Nelson version. And you know what I think of when I think of Willie Nelson? Weed. What a great cue. Anyway, the song is all about a guy that didn't love his woman right, and that she is...you know what. Always on his mind. Ally stares at Jenny, who's happy and sad at the same time, enjoying her birthday song and getting the so-not-subtle "deeper" "meaning" of the lyrics. Ray says he thinks Glenn still loves Jenny. And, that neither he nor Ally will get laid tonight. The anvils just can't miss!
Ally and Glenn walk home, post-date. Glenn says cheerily that he thinks Jenny loved the song, and she loves Elvis. Ally is all, do you think you're fooling anybody? "You still love her, Glenn. Why do you keep denying it?" Because they love each other as friends, says Glenn. Ally says she knows when somebody loves somebody. "Just because it isn't smooth doesn't mean it isn't right!" And, Ally chooses not to be with someone who is in love with someone else. And Glenn's a great guy, and there's a great girl out there for him somewhere. Night! She walks off. Good!
Law firm. Corretta is surprised to see the old man back in, sans gold-digging woman. Can he have a word with her and Richard? Sure. And, Glenn gives Elaine a hit-and-run compliment: "Great song." She's thrilled he noticed.
Glenn knocks on Jenny's office door. She thanks him for the song. She had a nice birthday. And how did everything go with Ray? Jenny calls Ray "a dink" because he thinks Glenn still loves Jenny. Jenny says there aren't a lot of "let's be friends" songs. Not in Elvis's repertoire, maybe. But has Glenn scanned Dionne Warwick's catalogue? You'd find some material there. Anyway, Glenn still loves Jenny, so would she take him back? She'll think about it. Okay, she's thought about it. She will. Yay! If you ever cared, that is. I think the majority of people on the boards would rather Glenn stay single, or, you know, be their boyfriend. But DEK doesn't care what the people want, does he? Ally, eavesdropping outside, is...I can't tell. Disappointed? Happy? Oh, who cares how Ally feels.
Corretta and Fish learn that the man who wanted to marry the gold-digger is in fact a cop, setting up a sting to bring the gold-digger down. What? So, to prove the gold-digger is in fact a gold-digger, the cop fought to have a court order revoked that prevented the gold-digger from digging herself a little gold? I know. So, the gold-digger is on her way to the airport, ready to take off with the huge diamond ring. She'll be arrested when she tries to board an airplane. Richard is all, "So you don't love each other? I wasted all that emotion in court!" Why do the offices of Cage and Fish need to know about this sting? Oh right -- dramedy. DEK. My bad. So, the doors open, and the gold-digger walks in. She's all, honey, why are you here? The housekeeper said you came here. Corretta is all, oh no. "Did the court reverse its ruling?" the gold-digger innocently asks. Corretta thinks the detective should explain himself, but he doesn't, so Corretta explains that he's an undercover agent working on a sting. The badge is flashed. The gold-digger is all, "Oh," and drops the huge honking ring, which makes a huge "thud" and dents the pile in the carpet. A sad oboe plays.
Elaine dances into Ally's office, wearing a cute but too-tight dark denim dress. "Did you hear! Glenn and Jenny got back together!" Then Ray comes in and puts his feet on her desk. "So, I guess you and I should go out." Ha. Ray says Elaine is cute, "in a slutty way." Nice and playful.
Corretta is consoling gold-digger in the Uni. "For the first time, I truly understand what I was." A heartbreaker, she means. She thinks she doesn't deserve love. Then, the toilet flushes and John emerges from a stall. They exchange hellos; then John asks Corretta to come out, because he's going to address the firm.
Hello, firm. Heh. Ray asks if this will take long. John begins by saying he used to race ponies at state fairs when he was a kid. He doesn't remember the outcome of the races, but he remembers talking with competitors and farmhands afterwards, and laughing. These are two things we should always remember: riding a bike, and laughter. So when John sees the firm, he sees the bike-riding people, but the smiles only come from "the leather interior of a new car. What's happened here?" Do they only dream of ocean-front property? So, John left "this world of things" and went back to the state fairgrounds, trying "to remember to rejoice in the simple company of others." And here, at the firm, is where to find that. Nothing more complicated than that. Could it be more complicated than Ally's horizontally-striped turtleneck and houndstooth pant combo? No? Good. Carry on.
El Shrinkador cries when Ally relays John's speech. It's profound, he says. Should I love John Cage, asks Ally? If you have to ask, no. No, you shouldn't. But the shrink plunges ahead. Three criteria exist to answer that question: kids, fireside conversation, and "suckling whipped cream out of the cuppeth of your navel." Ally feels fine about the first two, not so on the last. So, what does Ally think of when the phone rings? Larry. So, there you go.