Okay, confession time: I was watching the Star Trek edition of The Weakest Link and missed about five seconds of the "previously." Why does this show always start at, like, 8:58? But anyway, previously on Ally McBeal, Ling became a judge and got her own TV judge show; Richard learned that John was really gone and took over his hole; Ally told Glenn that they can't date because he's "a boy," and because they might possibly hurt Jenny. Notice how the "boy" thing goes first.
A very distracting montage of glamour shots of Glenn cut with Ally waking up with severe bedhead is not a great way to open the show. Vonda starts singing, and Ally starts to move through her apartment, flapping her arms and hopping around like she's on Romper Room. The elephants on Survivor have more grace. Then, the doorbell rings, the needle-being-pulled-off-the record sound plays, and Ally screeches to a halt. It must be Glenn! Ringing her doorbell first thing in the morning. Or is Ally taking time off from work now? Another still-photography nightmare of Glenn flashes by, and Ally calls out, "Just a minute!" Blurring into high speed, she takes a glass bowl, fills it with ice cubes, and dunks her face in it. Her hair looking really horrible now, she hums tunelessly and goes to answer the door. It's not Glenn. It's Jenny. Ally makes no effort to disguise her disappointment. Jenny starts blabbering that she kissed Ray and doesn't want to end up with him and could she be attracted to the wrong guys? Ally stupidly says, "It's not the wrong guys that can hurt you, only the right ones." I wish they would air a disclaimer on Ally McBeal that says, "Truisms expounded by the characters on this show are generally bullshit." After Ally speaks, yet another montage of Glenn-Glamour shots flies by, ending with a shot of Larry smiling. Ally continues post-montage, saying the right ones are " the killers." She smacks her fist in her palm for emphasis. I smack my head with my palm. Is this really only the teaser?
Vonda's been down, she's been down down down...
Aerial shot of Boston. Ray's in Glenn's office, telling him about kissing Jenny. Glenn fiddles his hands and calls Ray "Raymond" instead of "Dink" and says he's okay with it if Ray really likes Jenny and is not just in it for a "pleasure ride." Ray says sincerely that he does really like Jenny, then asks, "E-ticket?" Heh. I would have said, "Funhouse?" But then I wouldn't bother opening the can of worms that is dating your best friend's ex. That only leads to opening a can of whoop-ass later on. Glenn leaps to his feet and heads off to court. Ray asks about Glenn and "the thin mint." Hee. Glenn reports that she called him "a boy" and that she's "not inclined to date someone she doesn't have a real future with." Ray says, "Bitch!" Hee! I would have added she's probably lying, too. And lame, and not worth the trouble, and not hot, but I'll stop. Oh, and has bad hair. Okay, now I'll stop.
Glenn strides down the corridor, only to be out-strode by the very beautiful and glamorous Jacqueline Bisset, who's wearing slim dark boots, a short skirt, and a beige trench coat. Glenn, she says. Frances, he says. What is she doing here? Looking for Jenny. She adds that Glenn looks fabulous. Frances, you look fabulous. And I loved you in Class! I wonder how many people tell her that. Anyway, Jenny is wearing the indie-rock fall uniform of 1999, which is an oxford shirt under a tight maroon sweater (navy is also acceptable), and seems less than thrilled to see her mom at the office. Yes, Jackie Bisset is supposed to be Jenny's mom. I know. If Jenny still harbors mom issues, one might be that her mom is ten times sexier and far more attractive than herself. But I guess the mom issues will eventually reveal themselves over the remaining seventeen episodes of this stupid season, so I don't need to figure them all out now. Jenny drags her mom into a private area, leaving Glenn, Ray, and Fish to drool over Jenny's hot mom. Fish is particularly intrigued. His boners have boners. Oh, boy.
Jenny's mom has been fired for having a relationship with a younger man; also, she's marrying him. Jenny isn't happy to hear all of this: "Is this what you came to tell me?" Could you show a little more respect for your mother, young lady? Jackie Bisset doesn't say that; that was me. Jackie says she's come to "hire this law firm," though the closed captioning says, "save this law firm," because she's heard Cage & Fish is great with sexual-harassment cases, and that there's a "fabulous little dwarf called 'the croissant.'" Hee! That would be The Biscuit, who Jenny says is "full-size." And "missing." "Missing"?
Then, we're in Ally's office, who says "missing" again, and stammers a bit. Will Ally represent Jackie? Oh, and the trial is tomorrow. Jackie fired her last lawyer and the judge won't accept a continuation again. Why is every fucking trial "tomorrow"? And wouldn't Jenny have a semblance of a clue as to what's going on in her mother's life? Ray knocks on the door to talk about the kiss he and Jenny shared. He wants to date her. Jenny wants to think about it. Ray says sure, adding, "If the answer is no, would you object to me dating your mother?" Jenny retorts that her mother is getting married. Ray shoots back, "Great! That's one obstacle removed." What?
Aerial shot of Boston. Day turns to night. The blues play heavily on a piano. Hey, it's Elton John playing "Wasted Days and Nights." Sort of like the time spent watching this show. Get it? "Wasted Days and Nights"? Ling complains that they've hired another singer, and how do they expect people to keep up? Nelle explains that that's Elton John, who's "trying out new material." "Oh," says Ling. "Could they get him to turn it down?" Hee! Elton continues at full volume, and hey, is Edgar Winter in his band? Or is that some other fair-haired old rocker guy? Anyway. Fish and Ray share a little horny-bastard talk at a table. Fish wants Jenny's mom. Her wattle? Extraordinary. Ray asks what Fish thinks about him and Jenny. Fish says it's hard to tell, because he doesn't care. Dude, me too! Then, that he wants to lure Jenny's mom into the hole. Ray blinks and nods, knowing he's upstaged and outclassed. But hotter.
Elton's song fades into the Boston night sky, and we land in Ally's office, where she expositionally says that she can't believe she's stuck preparing for trial tomorrow when Elton John is in the bar. Glenn says he heard Sting sang there last year. Yup, says Ally: "He sang with my boyfriend." Glenn asks, "Your boyfriend sang with Sting?" Yeah. And Ally sang with Barry Manilow. Glenn, honey, your day will come. Some lovable old dinosaur will have a record that needs promoting and you'll get to pretend to be thrilled to share the stage with him or her. Won't that be a cool rite-of-passage thing for your character? Except not? Yeah. Glenn asks, "What happened to him?" Ally says she thinks a VH1 special. No, Glenn means her boyfriend "him," not Barry Manilow "him." "We broke up. !" Glenn is all, "Is there a ''?" He shoots her a funny look. Ally doesn't get it. They are never, ever going to do it, are they? Glenn says he had a dream about Ally last night; she, rather rudely, says, "Duh! I was there!" Oh, boy. She stammers to cover, then listens as Glenn tells his dream: they were water-skiing, but Ally was too afraid to "grab the rope." Heh. What could that mean? Ally wonders. Jenny bursts in and says, "It means you want to go skiing, but are too afraid to grab the rope. You guys ready? Where's my mother?" Not here, and they are ready. Ally says the case is "straightforward." Whatever. The elevator dings, and Jenny cringes. Time to meet the new stepdad! They three lawyers march out, and see Jackie holding the arm of a much younger man: Tim. Tim is younger than Jenny. Ally is agog, Glenn gently stunned. Jenny? Manages a conflicted smile. The violins swell, and I guess we have yet another nutty situation. Yawn.
Another aerial shot of Boston. Yay, more beer! Jenny's in Ally's office, trying to convince her to lose her mom's case on purpose. Because this marriage to a younger guy thing! Is so icky! He's only twenty-two, for lord's sake! And it has to be only about sex! Ick ick ick! Oh my god, this is just like Class, except Rob Lowe is hot and has less issues! Jenny's mom comes in and asks if it isn't unethical to lose a case on purpose. That, and stupid, too. Jenny is all, why, mom, why? HOW could you date such a young, hot guy? I can't see why this is so shocking. My granddad dated a woman so young, his in-laws were even younger then he. ["Your granddad is Michael Douglas?" -- Wing Chun] Guess how much I loved pointing this out? And still do. Love you, Granddad! So I guess I live in the real (albeit dysfunctional) world, and Jenny lives in DEK-ville, where wattles fly and babies dance, and people take pleasure in misfortune and wallow in unhappiness rather then just accept scandal and try to deal. Jenny's mom says that she used to "look for everything in a man," but now she'll just "compartmentalize!" Heh.
Corretta and Elaine are in the unisex. Corretta comments on what a sexually charged workplace this is. Elaine is all, "Isn't it grrreat!" But Corretta isn't "getting any." Neither is Elaine! Aw, they're bonding. Isn't it cute? Nelle comes out of a stall and rolls her eyes so hard I can hear them tumbling in her skull. What the hell top is she wearing? A v-neck and a turtleneck combo, together at last in the same sweater? Is this what demon aunts knit in hell? "Is this appropriate talk?" They're in a bathroom, Elaine points out. And is Nelle getting any? Oh please. All she has to do "is snap [her] fingers..." and she snaps her fingers right in Richard's face, who's popped up behind her. Well, she proved her point. Nelle makes to leave and says hello to Jenny's mom. Richard sees his opening and makes his move. Would Jackie mind stepping into this stall to hear Richard's private thought? Run, Jackie Bisset. Run like the wind. Once inside the hole, Richard makes his pitch. "Money. I'm not suggesting love can be bought, but...." He uses to remote to flick on the hole stereo (hol-e-o? stere-hole?) and the extra-heavy bass of "Brick House" pumps out. Jackie is all, you may have bitten off more than you can chew. Richard says he's "chewed a lot." Hee. Does Richard think he could kiss her without ending up a puddle on the floor? Richard says he doesn't usually turn to liquid, if you know what he means, and I know that you do. She plants one on him, and he melts like jelly on a baby's fingers in springtime. Well. Go Jackie Bisset!
Court. The incestment...whoops, I mean "investment" banking firm that canned Jackie is making their case. They need people to trust them in order to do business. Jackie "dating a twenty-year-old" undermines that trust. And every client would know, because they "work the cocktail circuit" and "do a lot of socializing." Oh, christ. This shit is so ridiculous. Ally steps up. What about a fifty-year-old man and a twenty-two-year-old woman? Huh? What about that, huh? Well? The man on the stand says he'd question that man's judgment as well. Does the fifty-year-old deserve to lose his job over it? And what if Ally and he dated? Well, that would be different, because Ally, says the man on the stand, "is in [her] forties." In Fantasy Mode, Ally picks him up over her head and spins him around, pro-wrestling style. Nothing further!
Judge Ling is on the air. She's hearing a car-wax product liability case. The plaintiff is complaining that the wax made his car duller than before he used it. On a sunny day, the defect is detectable! Ling suggests driving the car only on cloudy days. Speaking of duller...Ling covers the mic with her hand and reminds the plaintiff that this is a TV show, and the cases need to be interesting. Ling finds for the defendant. Oh, Ling. How the mighty bitch has fallen.
There's a new older man on the stand, who says he chose not to do $6 million worth of business with the investment firm that had employed Jenny's hot mom. One wants an investment banker "who projects conservatism, especially in today's volatile market." Isn't what one wants in an investment firm a matter of personal choice, up to the individual who's investing? Not a universal? Oh, whatever. Fuck you, David E. Kelley. The man on the stand says that he may have not been "fair," but "his gut" told him that a woman who "runs around" with a twenty-year-old is "fun-loving, maybe even radical, which are qualities [he] loves in a person -- [he'd] like to date her! -- but as far as entrusting [his] money, well...." Is this a new low? Is it? It's so dark down here in the new low. I can barely see. Ally and Glenn confer on whether to cross-examine, and end up staring into each other's eyes like puppies in a velvet painting.
This moment segues with double-hemmed seams into Ally's first visit this episode to El Shrinkador. She was lost. In Glenn's eyes. Duh. She needs "mental help," she says. Duh infinity, I say. Ally read an article, she says, that claimed that "since the world changed in September," everyone is having sex. Wow, nice transition, DEK. Maybe week you can hang a few American flags around the "streets" of "Boston," you know, to contemporize things a bit? You know, to put things really in context! Maybe a lapel pin or two? And what the fuck magazines are Ally reading? Slut Lawyers Journal? In Vogue and Allure, they've been totally sensitive to the situation, not suggesting that everyone's having a fuckfest because of the tragedy. Ally says that, post 9/11, the thing to do is fuck on the first date. "Boom. Boom, boom! Why live for tomorrow? Why not now?" The shrink says, "You want some boom-boom?" Hee. This guy would be so fired, but hee. How can you have a shrink you don't pay attention to? Ally does. Ally says that her whole life is about living for tomorrow, an-an-and, now "with this whole new prospect that there might not be a tomorrow..." She wants boom-boom with Glenn, says the shrink. She asks that El Shrinkador take her seriously. He says he can't. Hey, maybe he isn't fired! "Your world hasn't changed a bit." Oh, so this is how DEK can rationalize making a footnote of 9/11. Because it didn't affect ALLY. Right. What Ally wants, says El Shrinkador, is the same thing she's always wanted: love. It's the title of this episode, in fact, and the title of Elton John's newest hit song, which, as you know, was lip-synched by none other than Robert Downey motherfucking Junior in the video. So, could Ally find love with the boy? The oboe plays sadly, and we're out.
Corretta and Elaine simper into Nelle's office. They do not ask about Nelle's ridiculous turtle-v sweater. They ask her to hang out at the bar with them later so they can try and snare themselves some menfolk. Nelle says yeah, grudgingly, then when they're gone, smiles. She's gonna go to the bar and snare herself a ma-yun!
Ally's blathering in her office that if Jackie seems reasonable on the stand, they have a shot. Her young man stands by her side, silently. Jenny comes in and asks how the case is going. Glenn thinks they're "winning." Jenny says, "Hooray for justice!" Jackie says she raised Jenny "to be silly, but never rude." Wow, was I raised to be silly? What a strange quality to try to instill in a child. Aren't children naturally silly, which is later squashed out of them by school and other institutions? And, how is Jenny silly? She's not. She's not even funny. She's neurotic, and blunt, but not silly. Anyway, Jenny proves herself to be neurotic and blunt by asking her "cute" stepdad-to-be why he's with her fifty-year-old mom: "Couldn't you have found a younger model?" I wish he'd just say, "It's a fetish. I'm totally hot for older women. It's just for sex, mainly. Older women are so grateful!" But of course, nothing is ever that straightforward. He can "excite" younger women, "but not fulfill them." You see, everyone, younger women are looking for qualities in a partner to satisfy parts of themselves, but older women know to be complete first, then share with a partner. Plus, older women know the "touch of a hand can be as intimate, if not more so, than sex." And this is a cognitive thing, that happens naturally with age! I bet now all our lives will be easier, knowing the facts. And, that all our relationships in our younger years were a sham. Now we women can just wait to be older, and thus truly happy. Thank you, David E. Kelley! Thank you for straightening out our lives. Jackie mentions that her young man went to Yale, but he could "bag groceries" and it wouldn't matter, because it's the person that counts, and he's the "one [she] choose[s] to be with." Sure, then why couldn't this character have gone to, say, Villanova? Or Seton Hall? Because everyone hears "Yale" and says, "Ooh." Plenty of obnoxious fuckwads go to Yale. Jackie is all, should I not date him because it may not be right tomorrow? The young man mentions another thing he doesn't like about younger women: "They tend to run scared." Ooh, ouch, Ally! And Jenny! Daggers right in their not-yet-matured-to-perfection hearts.
Richard leaps onto Jackie. He liked the kiss. And he's not into samplers. So, if she changes her mind, he's the first in line. He's still free. Take a chance on he. Jackie says, mamma mia! I think I'm going crazy! My, my! No, but she busts him for quoting ABBA lyrics to her. But Richard is desperate! He starts to quote the Guess Who, but she knows that song too. "Bugger," says Richard. Hey, that reminds me. I'm missing AbFab. Bugger indeed.
Glenn's snoozing on Nelle's couch. He's disgruntled because Ally won't pay him no mind. Nelle, resplendent in her turtle-v, stands up and says that "women lose interest in their Ken dolls soon after they toss their Barbies." So Glenn needs to muss himself up a little, to show "character": "Ally likes damaged goods. Ally is damaged goods." So go get interesting, Glenn. And stay out of Nelle's office, since his Calvin Klein cologne "kills [her] plants." Glenn leaves, and waves the fumes from his upper torso toward a tall leafy green thing. Hee.
Back in Judge Ling's court/set, a couple is whining that their wedding was ruined because the band was bad. Ling says she can see that the plaintiff is ugly, but people need to see for themselves: "Get the band in here and I'll decide. Cut! I need smarter contestants." Oh, poor Ling. Poor, poor Ling.
Jackie Bisset is on the stand. She and Ally banter about love and logic, and "marriage having a fifty-fifty success rate these days" (whatever!), and any marriage is "a leap of faith." The defendant's lawyer objects to the pattern of riffing. Ling bursts through, saying her chambers are nearby, and she doesn't have to "walk around," since she's a judge. Jackie says that "perception" is flawed when it comes to marriage, and that honoring traditions is different from clinging to them "in the face of obvious failure." Like, it should be okay for an older woman to marry a younger man. Or, duh. Ally gets a tragic look on her face when Jackie says she loves Tim. Vonda starts singing, and we transition into Ally sitting in her office, swaying in time to Vonda's song. Elaine pops in and asks how Ally is doing. Ally asks how her hair looks. At the same moment, Elaine's pants catch fire and her nose grows as she says, "Fine!" Then Ally asks if Elaine ever thinks she's a...Elaine finishes, "Fool?" How'd Elaine know Ally was about to say "fool"? Elaine comes in and sits down, then says Ally won't date Glenn, even though she wants to, because she's decided that he's wrong for her, for whatever reason. After all, thirty-two isn't that old! Ally says she's only thirty-one. Elaine maintains that Ally is "clueless" as to what's right or wrong for her. "After all, [she] thought Larry was right!" She also thought Larry was a shrink, at first.
Vonda sings. Ally passes her fingers through a bowl full of M&Ms like sand through an hourglass. Then, screech, Glenn knocks and the music stops. Glenn says he thinks Jackie is speaking to them, sometimes, like when she says "the real fools are the ones too practical for their own happiness." Glenn then finally asks Ally out: "And if you say no, fine, but don't say no out of maturity." Oh, thank the lord, we almost got somewhere.
Ling's Court. The wedding band limps along painfully. They suck. Oh, they were just tuning up. Can there be more of this bit? And, is there any more whiskey?
The defendant's lawyer says that clients couldn't trust Jenny's hot mom with their money. So, she had to be fired. Ally begins her argument, saying that their witness said it probably wasn't fair. They fired her for making the wrong choice. And if you love someone, how can it be the wrong choice? The wedding band starts up again, in Ling's nearby courtroom, and Ally continues: "Love is the grandest of choices." The band doesn't sound too bad. Maybe a little grating and syrupy. Ally begins to cite the plot of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? as her closing argument. You know, when Sidney Poitier gets his white, future-father-in-law's blessing, even though he's black, because he's really in looove and everyone can see it? Jenny gets verklempt. Jackie beams as Ally argues, so what if Tim is younger? Then, Ally stops. Because it's about her! Love is fleeting, who knows what tomorrow will bring...she stops again. The judge asks if she's all right. Then, the wedding band starts up again. This time, they play the hoary old song, "Shout." Ling bobs her head, and lo and behold, as Ally's speech about love was just so gosh-danged powerful, the jury is moved to put their hands in the air. Ally gangles her bony limbs along with the "Hey-eeeey-eeey-eeey!" parts. Everyone is feeling it. Except some of us.
Standing in the hall, Jackie Bisset is all, "I think the jury was moved!" Dude? They were dancing. Jenny comes up, all teary. It was the Guess Who's Coming to Dinner reference that "always gets her." Then she says that if "this boy" makes her mom happy...well, she's okay with it. She'll even be her mom's Maid of Honor. Jackie says -- and it is a testament to her skills as an actress that she keeps a straight face -- "Whatever the jury decides, it appears I've already won." Yeah, except for the losing-your-job shit, everything's hunky-fucking-dory. Oh wait, the jury's back. They award Jenny's hot mom a blank check. That won't do, says the judge. So they award -- are you sitting down? -- $620,000. Damn!
Back at the bar -- where Sir Elton has booked a two-night stand, it appears -- everyone celebrates. "Saturday Night's All Right for Fighting" plays. Is it Saturday? I thought they just won a case? Oh, well. I guess that song doesn't have to be sung on a Saturday; it's true anytime. Fish drools over Jackie Bisset's wattle. Whatever. Ally splits.
Glenn knocks; he noticed Ally split. And, he asked her out, but she never answered. Since she's older, and therefore wiser (ba ha!), she wants to drop some science on him. See, she can't date him, because if they get serious, and she falls in love, she'll get "crushed. Because that's what happens." So, you're scared, asks Glenn. No. Practical. Ally wants it written on her tombstone that "she was practical." Ally? That will never ever happen. It's already been written in stone, and it reads, "She Had Bad Hair." Glenn just says, "all right," and goes back to the bar. Seriously, dude. It's. NOT. WORTH. IT. He steps onto the elevator, and Elton John's very Beatle-esque song "I Need Love" starts up. See, Ally can't love, shot full of holes! She can't feel nothing, she just feels cold! Can't feel nothing, just old scars. They're toughening up, around her heart. Do you get me? Do you need me to spell the lyrics out? So, Glenn leaves, and as he arrives home, Ally's parked on his doorstep. They're both confused. Maybe this is a start? "Goodnight, cute boy." Ally pecks him on the lips. She can't go now, because Glenn is holding her hands. A beat, then a longer kiss. "Well, it didn't change my life, but it wasn't terrible." Nice. So, she leaves, with Glenn staring after her. How unsatisfying.