Previously on Ally McBeal, no one got laid, but talked a lot about their feelings. Like, Ally told Glenn that it's obvious they have chemistry, but that they can't indulge their feelings because it would hurt Jenny. Glenn was all, we have chemistry? No, we don't. Ally was all, whatever. John declared his love for Ally, and she shot him down by saying that she "wants so badly to be loved by [him], but not in the way that [he] has love for [her]." Look out -- Ally has bad relationship karma now. Glenn comes back into Ally's office and says "obviously" he does like her like her. But Jenny...Ally knows. Ally's therapist told her to go to the boy. Ally was all, the boy? Oh my god, yes, just do it with the boy already.
Lights up on the elevator. When Ally emerges with her head down -- hair smooth in front, and messed up in the back -- she rams right into Elaine, almost spilling the conents of her massive and gaudy coffee cup. Ally is all, sorry, and makes to leave, when Elaine asks her why is she talking like that. Talking like what? Clipped. Here, the dialogue gets rather Sorkin-esque, or maybe even Mamet-ian, as Ally babbles that she's extremely fine and what is Elaine talking about she's just late for a staff meeting, Elaine apologizes, saying it's her mistake. Ally says, "Good." Elaine says, "Clipped!" A nice quick moment, and all we'll see of Elaine this week. Sigh. , Ally slams into Glenn, and you know what that means. Extra awkwardness and anvil-sized sparks. Oh no, they can't walk into the staff meeting together! So first Glenn, then Ally. Go. Go! Go go go! They both wheel around and see the peanut gallery assemblage of Corretta, Nelle, Richard, and Jenny. Dong. Busted! For standing there!
Vonda's been dowwwn, she's been down down down...
Aerial shot of Boston. Don't mind if I do.
Staff meeting. Jenny says that Ray is being sued for sexual harrassment, and has hired her to defend him. So, the firm that canned Jenny's ass is hiring her. Sure. Ally finds herself holding the silver tray of donuts, and is forced to hand them to Glenn. Because, you know, putting them down is not an option. She makes the most ridiculous gesture -- holding the tray up to her forhead like she's blessing the doughnuts, or trying to psychically determine which has the raspberry filling and which has Boston Cream -- as Glenn frantically waves her to put the tray away; he likes hamburgers in the morning, remember? Jenny stops talking about Ray's hiring her to ask why Ally and Glenn aren't looking at each other. What? Wuh? Fish elects to move on, and brings up another case. Ally abruptly demands to see Fish outside of the meeting and he, for some insane reason, says yes.
In Ally's office, Richard is all, WTF. Ally says nothing, except that she wants a few days off. Is it John? J-John? John Cage? Yeah, him. You remember, the guy whose heart you ripped out a few days earlier? Richard says that John is missing. He left a note saying he'd be back. Didn't he just take a week off to don the bodysuit? Richard twists the knife, saying, "Maybe he loves someone deeply who couldn't love him back." Ouch. Then he asks what happened, and Ally says John said he loved her, but that she couldn't love him back; she sighs exasperatedly. I don't think I've ever hated Ally more. Richard asks whether this is why she wants a few days off. Or is this about Glenn? Glenn? says Ally? Glenn, that Glenn? What? Oh, I cannot deal. Richard, you fuck her. NOW.
Nelle waits for the elevator. The door slides open; Hot Guy Ray steps off, into Nelle's face, and stands there grinning at her. Standoff. No one moves, Nelle mentions that, generally, the gentleman moves first. Ray says he's "standing face to face with a woman who's drop-dead goregous and smells good. A gentlemen would be a fool to move." Jenny reaches out and grabs him away, asking if it's any wonder he was sued. And why did he hire her, anyway? Because she's a good lawyer, a "hard-nosed litigator," and "freckly." Ray can do most of the work pro se, the case is all prepped, and all Jenny has to do is stand there with her freckles and charm the jury. Jenny asks how she can defend a "blatant, skirt-chasing ape." She forgot "who wears baseball hats backwards in public." Doesn't she want to hear his side? Okay, tell it. His side is that he's an ape. And guilty. So, they get to work.
Ally rounds a corner -- her head so far down her chin is south of her collarbone -- and Ray still shoots her a "how you doing?" Ally shudders audibly. Then, she rams into Glenn. He smiles winningly in the dappled sunlight, and asks whether her going home is the adult way to handle this situation. Glenn? Honey? You're on a show called Ally McBeal. Nothing is ever the adult way on this show. Not even a threeway, or two women kissing, or drinking a cup of goddam coffee is safe from being lampooned. No adult moments ever -- that's the rule. So never ask; if Ally's being a freak, everything is normal. That's the way David E. Kelley wants it. So just stand in your nice lighting and sing your Frank Sinatra songs and cash your checks and never, ever question the order of things, 'kay? Great, babe. Ally -- her hair looking very, very bad; not just smoothed down on the top, but also oily and matted, progressing to very messed up in back -- stammers that she's choosing to face her "destructive urges alone, and if that's not adult, then goo-goo-goo-goo-good-bye." Glenn's face gets all wrinkly. Honey? Never. Question. The order.
Jenny is still kvetching about being hired for her freckles. She's "not a puppet." Ray says that's too bad, because then he can't put his hand up her...oh, he didn't finish his sentence. Dammit! Jenny expositionally says that bringing her in on the eve of trial seems weird, and didn't she sue the whole firm from which she was just fired? That was dismissed; it's just Ray now. And it's not just her freckles Ray likes. She's "girly, gangly, and adorable," and juries love that! I'm very annoyed, but I know better than to question the order. Besides, hasn't this storyline been used, like, a million times? Lawyer hired because of her looks, or his quirks? Yeah, so I thought. Jenny says that "this kind of flattery leaves [her] wet." Ignoring the obvious entendre, Ray goes in for the finish, holding her shoulders and saying he "needs" her. Jenny's head tilts slightly; her lips part, and the piano starts tinkling gently. She'll do him. I mean, "it." She'll do it.
The music gets cartoon-cat-burgular-y, as Fish stealthily enters John's secret room behind his bathroom stall and sees it's empty. Yup. John is really gone. Richard presses the remote, the secret panel slides away, and...Corretta leaps up and screams. She had just sat down on the bowl, it appears. Fish screams, too. It's chaos, but, you know, stupid. Nelle emerges from another stall to referee. Corretta screams that Richard is leaping out of walls, that sick so-and-so! Richard says that there's a room back there that was John's, and that John left him a note, so he wanted to check! Nelle is all, what do you mean John is leaving? Not "leaving" -- gone. John is gone.
Court. The woman who's suing Ray recites her long list of complaints: he called her "'sexy,' in open court." His hand "grazed [her] buttocks." He asked her "to tame his meat weasel." And he told her about a dream he had when they both did karaoke in the nude, and that she was good with the mic. Which, per the hooey of dream analysis, is "phallic." Wow, mentioning that things are phallic is so ridiculous. Except if you're talking about burritos, or actual penises. Not all of them are, you know. Jenny cringes at each admission, while Ray mildly shrugs. Ray also grabbed the plaintiff and kissed her. All of this made her self-conscious, rattled her, and caused her to lose the case and the long-term client. Damages. There you go.
Jenny confers with Ray in an off-court room, asking how the hell could he have done (and can still do) all these intrusive things. Ray says, "It's a boy's club." The world? Is a boy's club? Oh, fuck you, DEK. You and the horse you rode in on. Jenny says it isn't a "boy's club anymore," and still Ray acts like it is by hiring an adorable, freckly, chick lawyer. Jenny? It doesn't have to be all about you. Oh, listen to me, challenging the natural order of things. My bad! Ray is like, you're great, and trial lawyering is about button-pushing. And, once he saw his mom cry because men no longer considered her a sexual object, so women have to like being treated as one for at least part of the time. DEK? Go fuck yourself. Seriously. Fuck right off and die. Jenny takes off her hypothetical lawyer hat and dons her friend hat, informing Ray that he has a problem. The few thousand people watching this crap show say, "Duh!" The piano plays gently, and Ray stares at his adorable, freckled lawyer. Her lips are moving.
Glenn enters Ally's office. She's got on a funky gray bell-sleeve boatneck top, that is super-trendy, but not bad at all. The hair, on the other hand...bad. Very bad. Glenn is all, hey, about the fling we're never, ever going to have until perhaps the round of sweeps...why wouldn't it work? Ally says it would only be a fling because he's a boy. Which might be fun and good for Ally, but risking hurting Jenny would have to be for a "greater emotional good," and Ally has "a very strict policy against fun." So, later, Glenn.
Jenny gets to cross-examine the plaintiff lady. Is Ray the first man ever to compliment her on her looks? No, but Ray is the first to ask her to "tune his skin flute." Oh, man. If there's any mention of Ray's "one-eyed trouser snake," I'm going to have to go out for more booze and a can of chocolate frosting. Anyway, Jenny asks if sometimes, cases turn on more than the merits, and doesn't the plaintiff ever try to flirt with or charm jurors? Of course, but there's a line. And the plaintiff claims to know where that line is? No, but when one lawyer tells another that he "polished the pink helmet with her in mind...." Hold on, I'll be right back.
Jenny is beating herself up for asking a question she didn't know the answer to, or something. And could Ray explain how he came to kiss the plaintiff? Sure he can. He's a pig, see, and...oh, we need more than that. He gently takes Jenny by the shoulders, like people do when they're trying to "make a point, you know, to connect." Jenny says that she doesn't usually grab people. Anyway. Their faces were close, and Ray says he can read that look that women get when they want something, like to be kissed. All men can read it. And all men are potential rapists too, by that logic, and all women potential prostitutes. And hey, when are we women all going to start wearing veils, because then men wouldn't want to assault us anymore, right? Just a glimps of ankle is enough to drive men wild. And we stick it right in their faces, too! Anyway, Ray has Jenny by the shoulders, and his face right up in hers, and the music is gentle and soft, and Jenny, disgustingly enough, is setting the women's movement back faster than a grayhound on uppers by looking soft, open to Ray, and TEMPTED. But, because this show is an evil, evil mindfuck, Ray does not kiss her, even though it's what Jenny may want. He breaks her out of her reverie to see if she got him. Yeah, she did.
Vonda's singing faux-Motown at the bar. Drink! Ray asks Glenn if "they let anyone sing up there." Hee! Ray tells Glenn that he almost kissed Jenny, and maybe wants to date her, a little. Does Ray think Glenn would let him do one of his hit-and-run numbers on Jenny?! Well, maybe, if that means he could fuck Ally. And is she too old for him? Well, yes and no. She's a "real woman," while they are not "real men." Guys like Glenn and Ray are "for fooling around with until [women] grow up and meet the men they're going to marry. Ally is already grown up." BA HA HA!! No, he really said that. Wow, these characters are new. The two dorks suck on their beers like babies on bottles and we're out.
Glenn knocks, then enters as Jenny prepares to go to court for Ray's testimony. Oh, and should Jenny date Ray? So he can get on Ally, already? Jenny says that since the one thing she and Glenn still have is "honesty," she's compelled to point out that she doesn't have time to play around. "Guilt" is keeping Glenn from pursuing Ally, so if she does Ray, that guilt would be assuaged, but it's disgusting to fob her off on his best friend, so outta the way, pally. Glenn says it was Ray who thought up the idea. Jenny opens like a flower. Really? A pig with an eye for anything with boobs wanted to do me? Aww! I feel so special! So there goes her theory. But she's right. But Glenn can't deal. So much for their honesty jazz.
Richard is moving into Cage's hidey-hole. He got an email with Cage's permission. He's installing a flat-screen TV and bringing in a case of vintage wine. Corretta and Nelle stand by, looking worried. But where could Cage be? Richard guesses he's in a spa with his "pec and glute suit." Corretta slams a bottle onto Richard's lap. He "inhabits John's hole."
Ray's on the stand, blabbering about a time in school when he read a paper, and a female student came up to him afterward and mentioned she couldn't take her eyes off his ass the whole time. The point of this is that it made him feel "devalued"; he realized that "people can become what they are in the eyes of others," so now he feels like an ass. The judge said that. Really. No, Ray uses what he learned in that pathetic moment -- that we have "power to undermine the esteem and demeanor of others" -- in trial, and especially on women. Which is what he tried to do to the plaintiff as they were opposing counsel on trial. The plaintiff's laywer takes the floor, and points out that Ray is admitting to harrassing her client. Sure. But the plaintiff "BELIEVED" that she wasn't smart, which is why she lost, and is why she's suing Ray now. Because she couldn't have just felt harrassed by Ray's inapropriate behavior. Oh, no.
Nighttime. Jenny's having wine at Ally's house, raving about how great Ray was, and how much sense he made, and how she's so attracted to him. Ally's tea kettle blows at the last of these admissions. Ally has on a great black shirt, monogrammed with an "A." For b-A-d h-A-ir. Anyway, Ally has to tell Jenny that she isn't insane for being hot for Glenn. Ally lies and says Jenny isn't out of her mind. Why would anyone date Ray? Because he can beat up other guys, Ally rationalizes. Are we the inferior gender, wonders Jenny? No, it's that "women are so far superior on the relationship field, and that men are a dumb sex," says Ally. Oh, no fucking comment. Ray is a "protector." I'd say "aggressor." But anyway, they make a list of Ray's positive traits: "smart, cute, and kind." They could do worse. They both look intrigued. I? Drink.
Vonda's singing something about a "thing called love." Are you ready? Nelle asks Richard whether they should look for John, since he's going through a crisis. Hence, "the ridicuous bodysuit." Corretta coughs, "Bitch!" Hee. Elaine and Nelle both shoot Corretta looks. Exqueeze me? Oh, nothing, you bitches. Nelle argues that this is a material gain for Richard (the hole). Richard says he'll check in on John at home tomorrow.
Ray asks Glenn whether Jenny is "a good closer." He didn't mean that like it sounds. He didn't! But Glenn's cool with Ray dating Jenny as long as Ray treats her well. And what if they fall in love? Could Ray still be friends with Glenn then? Ray asks how Ally's doing. How would Glenn know? Good point.
Closing arguments. The plaintiff's laywer says that, in our society, might makes right, winning is everything, and whatever you do to win (even Ray's behavior) is acceptable. She asks the jury to set boundaries for simple manners and decency. Honey, you're on a DEK show. You're not going to win.
Jenny says that women lawyers can't go running and crying every time they lose, claiming sexual harrassment, and don't need special protection from creeps like Ray, even though his behavior is despicable. "You're a woman, for god's sake. Be a man!"
Ally's at El Shrinkador's pad. She feel herself getting..."horneous," says the shrink. "Weaker," says Ally. It seems lame to be alone, she says. Her shrink asks her to dance with him: "Trust your therapist." He takes her in his arms, flicks the remote, and "Kung Fu Fighting" starts off, gently at first. They dance closely. Then the song kicks in, and he really starts to go off, karate kicks and all. Ally squeals, flinches, stops the music, and says, "That is ridiculous." Tell it to DEK, babe.
Jenny and Ray, sitting in a conference room. The jury is deliberating. Is Ray nervous? And why did he trust this personal suit to Jenny's freckles? Hey, Jenny is fantastic. And clueless. Jenny says, you mean like you being interested in dating me? She knows. Isn't Ray interested in dating anythng with a vagina? Ray says he can't step on his best friend's turf. That seems fair and reasonable. But "fair and reasonable" don't fly on a DEK show. Jenny explains (again, some more, we know) that if she and Ray dated, Glenn could date Ally free of guilt. But what does Jenny want? What does Ray want? Ray wants to date Jenny, since Glenn is okay with it. Jenny says she's open to dating. She's single. And the truth is...the jury's back. They go back to court.
Jenny takes Ray's hand, and the jury finds for the plaintiff. The damages awarded are seventy-five cents. Damn. Jenny smiles. Ray is happy. Well, to the bar, already? Ray starts talking in a southern accent. What?
Ray's at the bar, singing "Polk Salad Annie." Everyone watches. Glenn says he begged Ray not to sing. Elaine says he isn't "terrible." Jenny says Glenn said Ray "couldn't hit a note." Elaine says he's "hitting one of [hers]," and the sound of a mortocycle engine revving plays. The bar cheers.
Nelle rants to Richard about John. She's really worried. Then she hears Ray singing, and turns around to get a look. Corretta's mortocycle engine revs. Jenny's engine, sounding a little more like a Kawasaki 450 than Elaine's Harley, revs as well. Get it?
El Shrinkador notes that it's 9 PM on Friday night, and that he has a life, and plans. Could they resume the session on Monday? Ally sits up on the couch and says sure, she guesses. Then, he tells her to go home and gussy herself up as if she were going out on a date, even though she doesn't have one. Because Christmas is nothing compared to Christmas Eve. "Isn't that pathetic?" asks Ally. Yes. I mean, "no." Oh, I don't even know anymore. El Shrinkador tells her to "celebrate the spirit of a relationship in lieu of actually having one." He asks for her hand. "Pretend to be happy!" Fine, just like people pretend to be entertained by watching this show.
Ray walks Jenny home. They have they awkward doorstep moment, and thank each other for working together so well. Well, goodnight. Pause. Silence, interrupted by Vonda singing, "I think we're alone now." Then, gentle kiss. Jenny sighs. Night! Night. The final shot is of Ally on her couch, gussied up in a pretty dress, alone. Pathetic, yes? Yes.