Previously on Ally, more than four people cared. Seriously. And, Ling became a judge. Ally told Jenny that she loved John, and he overheard and thought she loved him loved him, rather than the platonic love, which prompted John to tell Richard that he loved Ally in a love-love kind of way. Dame Edna popped in as a key witness, and Ling was offered her own judge TV show after one day on the job. Glenn told Ally that he and Jenny were "over as a couple." Ally cocked her head with her bad hair and looked blank.
Lights up on a boxing ring. Glenn and Hot Guy Ray are in their neutral corners, being wiped down. It sounds much hotter than it is. Glenn looks slightly more battered than Ray does. Glenn's handlers are urging him to knock Ray the fuck out. The bell dings, and the fighters emerge and pummel each other. In the front row, Jenny cowers and flinches. Dude, I've sat in the front row at a boxing match (at Philly's Blue Horizon), and you get fluids on you. Sweat, mostly. But you can see really well. If you see sweat heading your way, you can usually block it. Jenny just turns her head like an infant avoiding a spoon full of apricot mush. Glenn makes a good showing, but Ray has more power, and delivers a blow that sends Glenn to the mat and his mouthguard into Jenny's lap. She screams, horrified, then we see a shot of her snapping awake in bed. Then, a shot of Ally snapping awake in bed. So, Ally dreamed that Jenny had a dream about Glenn and Ray boxing.
Ally's office. Ally is explaining to Jenny that she dreamed Jenny dreamt about Glenn and Ray boxing. No, really. There isn't an echo in here. You heard it the first time. Ally re-tells it, the women sip coffee out of oversized, gaudy mugs, and ponder. I think I'd want to quit if my co-worker had freaky dreams about me, then told me about them first thing in the morning. But Jenny just makes the biggest meta-statement of all time: "Okay. You're weirder than me." A thousand times, word. Glenn enters, and Jenny says they have to call off the case, because Ray and Glenn will "end up killing each other." And that would be bad why? Jenny says she dreamed it would happen, and Ally is like, no I did. Jenny calls it "a dream to the second exponent." The fuck? DEK, what are you smoking? Ammonia and green tea? Then, we learn that Glenn studied dream analysis in college (I heard the Dionne Warwick Institute of Law and Dream Analysis is really a party law and dream analysis school, but hey, you get out of school what you put in), so he grabs a pad and asks for the details. Because Ally's dreams are gospel and come true. Glenn says battle means sexual repression, blood means love, and men in undergarments means intimacy. So Ally has repressed dreams of sexual intimacy with Glenn. Ever roll your eyes so much your head hurts? I can hear you screaming yes. All four of you.
Vonda's been down, she's been down down down...
Can I just tell you I was pissed that I had to miss the new Ab Fab episodes to tape this shit? Well, I was. And, I'm pissed that Ling is leaving, and that Portia is down to three lines per episode. Elaine, too. I never loved this show, but I miss these characters. In a staff meeting, Richard tells everyone that since Ling is a judge now (faint applause), she can't work there anymore. A chorus of "aww"s follows. Ally lets go with the fakest "aww" ever. Screw you, jealous loser! So, party for Ling at the bar later. A good time will be had by all. That's an order from the Fish-man. Then, bells chime, and John enters the office with the bodysuit on. Everyone is agape. Fish loses his concentration, and asks, "Steroids?" The suit totally puckers at John's not-worked-out neck. Stare stare stare; then John exclaims, "Balls," pushes his chair away from the table, and retreats to his office. Corretta follows him in, insisting that the suit looks good and that he'll feel real when people touch him. John wonders whether he should really ask people in the office to touch him, adding, "Is that what women do with their padded bras?" Hee! "Women are attracted to the package," Corretta insists, but once the women fall in love "with the man inside," the suit can be ditched. Whatever. Women don't have these elaborate delusions about padded bras.
Jenny is agog at the offer made by the telemarketing suits: $125,000. Not a lot. Ally is wearing the ugliest blue plaid suit ever. Ray schmoozes and asks Ally how she's doin'. Ray asks Glenn whether he wants a burger. Sure, he does. Ray splits, and Glenn tries to convince the women that they should take the offer, because they aren't going to make any money on this case. Whose side is he on, anyway? The freaky sex-dream-having side, or the sleazy backwards-baseball-hat, burger-eating-side?
Ling's holding court in her purple robes. A mom clutching her son simpers, "Good morning, Your Honor," and Ling finds for the other side. But wait! The mom is suing because she had to pay a public school $32 for cleaning fees after her son stuck gum on a desk. "It was extortion," she says. The school says they have to pay a lot of dough each year to clean up after these gum-chewing hoodlums, and then Ling blows a large pink bubble that pops on her freckled nose. She finds for the plaintiff, who gets her $32 back "times three." The plaintiff also has to pay court costs -- $500. Blam goes the gavel. !
Glenn enters Ally's office, and after a moment of non-sexual tension, he tries to get her to convince Jenny to settle on the case. Because Ally and Jenny are close, aren't they? Aren't they? Ally is all, "I'm thirty-one, and I don't like to play games." The fuck? Glenn is stumped when Ally says, "There's some chemistry going on." Glenn then says he's sorry if Ally got the idea that he was interested in her. She deflates, literally. Then, ha ha, it was a joke! She's a joker, not a smoker, or a midnight toker! Ha ha! Glenn leaves; Ally sharpens a pencil and does not -- though she could have -- jam it in her eye.
Aerial shot of Boston. Drink! Ray and Glenn are chowng on burgers at a fast-food joint. Does Glenn think Ally's cute? Kind of. Ray thinks the "Jane Hathaway corporate thing" indicates that Ally is "a sex machine." Sputter, choke. Ray wants to ask her out. Glenn thought Ray already did. Ray did, but "got distracted by Loin." He means Ling. What does Glenn think? Oh my god, will the high-school shit NEVER END? Glenn says he thinks Ray and Ally would be good together. Oh, barf. Ray will go for it. Of course.
Ally's with El Shrinkador. He asks for her hand, then says he wants to "confront" the issues in her dream. "Sex is the gateway to life," he says. Ally tries to wrest her hand back. El Shrinkador isn't letting go. "Lust is good," he says, then releases her bony mitt. Oh yeah? She asks for his hand. "I haven't a clue what you're saying," she says. The doc is like, "Drink from the forbidden nectar of the forbidden fruit. Navigate the passage. Surrender to your want." Ally asks whether he's telling her to go to the boy. "Oh, yes," says the doc. Oh, duh, says me. Ally badly needs to get laid.
In the Unisex, Ally is shaking out her bad hair, in her bad plaid suit, telling Jenny that they should settle and be practical. Jenny asks "who made up that rule." Not Dame Edna, who emerges from a stall just in time to say that this case isn't about money, but justice, because the phone companies "don't care about the little private things we all like to do in our own homes." Ally and Jenny exchange a look, like, ooh, what ever could Dame Edna do in her own home? Something so crazy and nutty! Like sew paillettes and sequins on an oversized cardigan! Woo! John enters, in his suit, and asks Ally how things are going. Dame Edna gets an eyeful and says, "One of us isn't being honest with himself, now, is he?" Criminy.
Ling and Fish enter the office, Fish wondering why the TV crew needs to shoot inside the law firm. Ally is incredulously disdainful. Ling wonders why she shouldn't have her own TV show. Seriously. Then, Ling asks Glenn to sing at her party -- something anthemic. Elaine won't sing because "she's only a secratary." Ooh, burn! Ally asks to "borrow" the camera crew after Ling's finished. Ling agrees.
Jenny asks, "A video?" A video. About the telemarketing case: a bad-publicity PSA to scare the phone companies. Get Dame Edna back in here, we need to rehearse!
Richard knocks on the door of John's stall in the Uni. Fish knows John is in there. The secret door slides away, and we see John slumped over in an easy chair. John tells Richard his bodysuit is fake. Fish says John's "sullen attitude" is "boring." Thank you! My god. John asks whether Fish ever has a problem with being "profoundly ridiculous." If he cared, maybe. Fish notes that these three weeks of John being lame all started when he decided he loved Ally. John never declared his feelings, never took the shot. Maybe Ally loves John! Ever think of that? Fish thinks that John should at least "let her say no," and "walk the plank" and all that. Seriously. Unclench thine ass and go for it.
Dame Edna and Ally are having a little chat. Ally seems "blue," and Dame Edna "knows [her] colors." Ally looks down at her hideous blue plaid suit and stamers a bit. Is it Glenn, Dame Edna asks? Oh my god, for fuck's sake, GET ON WITH IT already. Dame Edna asks for Ally's hand, and I want to find the therapist that took DEK's hand, giving him this lame idea, and take that therapist's hand and SMACK HIM WITH IT. You know, as in, "Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?" Dame Edna says that, back in the say, when she rode dinosaurs to Dick's Bar, she "tingled in every nook and cranny. Now, [she] tingles vicariously, and is tingling for [Ally] and Glenn." Wait, something's tingling on me. No, I'm just annoyed. Ally says that Glenn isn't her type. Dame Edna admits that she "may have had a phantom tingle." Ally is all, I have a lot of work to do, and Dame Edna makes to split. But just one last pithy moment before she goes! "Love is the one game you lose by refusing to play." So will someone please GET IT ON, already?! Jesus.
Hot Guy Ray and the phone company guy get off the elevator, ready for the settlement hearing. Elaine gets her one line in, telling Glenn the TVs are ready. Portia gets Line #2 in, asking Glenn to sing for Ling even though he doesn't know her: "The problem is, others do." What? Ally blows off John and slams into Ray, who says that sometimes he asks out the chick lawyers he works with as an unnerving tactic. We know. So, post-case, Ray will ask Ally out "for real." Oh my god, will somebody fuck someone already?
Conference room. Ally and Glenn agree that $125,000 is way too low. So, they made a little commercial. Hello, it's Dame Edna. If you're like her (and who isn't?), you've been annoyed by those calls from the phone company. And if you're like me, you've been annoyed by plotlines about those calls from the phone company. The phone-company guy looks scared; Jenny, triumphant. Dame Edna continues her schtick, saying that 72,000 "possums...er, 'people'" have joined in a class-action suit. Do enough people know Dame Edna's routine by now? She calls people "possums." Why is this bit so ineffectual on this show? Oh, right: it's not funny! Yeah. There's an 800 number people can call to join the suit. Oh, and the phone companies also offer a service (for $11 a month) protecting you from cold sales calls. Jenny has a few seconds of screen time, batting cleanup for Dame Edna. They bought airtime for the spot tomorrow night. Good for them! Of course, never mind the fact that all the phone companies could have made a dozen ads themselves by now, with bigger stars, or even with Carrot Top, Vanessa Williams, and Sela Ward having a three-way with those ex-football players watching and saying how much bang you get for a buck or whatever. But still. Hooray, or something.
El Shrinkador is really into the news that phone companies now offer a service protecting customers from their own annoying sales calls. Don't write me asking if this is true or not; I have no idea. I do know that, if you ask them, they will take your name off the call list. ["I used to be in telemarketing, and it's somewhat true. If it's an organized company with, like, records and computers and stuff (like when I used to call alumni from my university asking for donations), they will take your name off the list if you ask. But if it's a creepy, fly-by-night operation where the only 'call list' is a regular old phone book (like a collection agency I used to work for), you can ask to get removed from the list, but since there is no list, they'll just lie that they're taking you off but not actually do it. This has been The More You Know!" -- Wing Chun] And frankly, I wouldn't join a class-action suit because I've been cold-called, it's just not that annoying. But I'm a tough chick. I roll my own smokes and recap for MBTV. I don't cry like a little bitch. But that's just me. So, they need a better settlement offer by tonight. The shrink turns the conversation to more important matters, like whether Ally has fucked Glenn yet. Has she? Well, no. But he admitted he wanted it? No. But Ally can tell he does? Um...her beeper goes off, and we get a shot of Ally's plaid crotch. "It's beeping," says the shrink. It's her BEEPER, you freak. Again, I would so totally fire this doctor. John needs Ally back in the office, fast.
Here we go. John meets Ally in her office for "this semen-al moment"...whoops, "seminal." Oh my god, someone please get laid. Ally says that Ray is interested in her, which is throwing her concentration off the case, and she thinks Glenn is interested in her too. Um, John, did you have something to say? Or did you drag Ally out of therapy so that she could continue her session with you listening instead of her shrink? Ally continues to blather: "Men think that women like it when they're interested in us, but that isn't always the case." What an opening. John goes for it: "I'm interested in you. I love you. I think we would be a good couple, and I'd like to try." Ally is all kinds of stunned. Then, with barely a pause, she shoots him down. Nope. She'd love to be loved by him, but not like that. She's sure. She "has no physical passion" for him. Oh my god, she could at least try. John's a good man. Why not just kiss him, or go on a date and see how it goes? The time Ally bitches about how difficult to get a good man...well, I'd bust on her regardless if she hooks up with a decent guy or not. She's just so bust-on-able. John makes the point that "passion cen be discovered along the way." Ally says she's "good at recognizing what [she] doesn't want,"'and that John's a great man -- perhaps the greatest man she's ever met -- but there's no chance in hell will she ever, ever do it with him. Then, she takes John's still-beating heart and takes a big, juicy bite. Ooh, it's still warm!
The Four Geeks are performing their very stiff and white intrepretation of Motown. The bar is packed, and hopping. Ling is like, "Who are all these people?" Richard rented them, along with the bar for the night, to make Ling feel popular. "Enjoy it!" Hee. Jenny and Glenn split, since the phone company goons are coming back for settlement meeting.
John enters Ally's office and apologizes. Sorry for baring my soul to you! Sorry I ever cared! Sorry that my love for you isn't good enough! No, that was me. John says he's sorry for putting Ally "in a difficult position," (hee!) but he's glad he expressed himself to the woman he thinks is his soulmate. Because keeping his feelings to himself would be lame. Glenn enters and thinks that John is talking about him. Like he and Ally are supposed to be soulmates? What-the-fuck-EVER! Ally stands up, sees Glenn, and rather coldly asks what he wants. The settlement guys are here, he stammers. Oh, christ.
Conference room. They've upped the offer to non-negotiable. Ally and the team make to leave. Glenn poses the argument that juries hate monolthic corporations. Even if the firm accepted $36 million, that would only mean $500 per client. The ad they made with Dame Edna could triple the amount of clients overnight, bumping the cash amount up to $100 million. Which is but a drop in the bucket for a big-ass phone company. So, how does $15 million sound? $208 per plaintiff, minus contingency for the firm of Cage and Fish. The evil phone guy looks around squintily, then drops the bomb. "Done." Holy shit, that's a lot of change.
Back at the bar, the Four Geeks are going off, white-ly, again. There's a million shots of people wiggling and dancing, and unrequired close-ups of undulating midriffs. We get it. Ally and Jenny giggle over their win, and laugh at Hot Guy Ray slumped in the corner. "He doesn't like to lose." Aww! Glenn is getting his groove on with Portia. Go Portia! Get your screen time! Put that dance background to use! Aww, it will suck when Portia leaves. Jenny says, "Maybe Glenn and she...?" Oh my god, why does Jenny care so much where Glenn sticks his dick ? What a freak. Then I scream really loudly so I don't have to hear Ally ask whether it would be weird for Jenny and Glenn to be working together with Glenn dating a chick from the same firm where they all work, nor to hear Jenny say AGAIN how much she'd like it if Ally and Glenn dated. No, I screamed long and loud. Didn't hear any of that blather. Nope.
Ally and Jenny take pleasure in blowing Fish's mind about the $15 million settlement. The firm gets a third of that, you know. That's a lot of cabbage. Fish sniffles with tears of joy. Then, Glenn busts into Ling's song: a Sinatra-esque rendition of "Witchcraft." Does he really sing? Maybe. I have no idea. ["Because I'm a dork, I looked on the IMDb and saw that James Marsden sang in his college choir." -- Wing Chun] Ling looks flattered, and miffed at lines like "There's no nicer witch than you." Is this her sendoff from the show? Oh, my sweet lord. Life is so unfair. Ally gulps her martini when Glenn looks in her direction. Gulp away, you loser freak.
Office. Ally's standing behind her desk in her hideous suit. Glenn enters -- to get his stuff, so he says. He offers to walk Ally home. They stare at each other with purpose. Oh my god, WILL SOMEONE GET LAID, already? Ally says she still has stuff to do. Glenn approaches her and said he lied, and he is interested in her. Duh! Jenny is an issue. Double duh! Ally blathers that the attraction is probably just an "exaggerated sense of victory," and that "it would destroy Jenny." So, no dating. Nope. Ally says she doesn't "trust herself to be walked home by" Glenn. They can't do it. Or can they? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, someone just bend someone else over the desk and DO IT ALREADY. Finally, Glenn leaves. No one got any. Ally calls him back to say that Glenn is "a pretty great guy." Glenn splits, bumping into John. Vonda starts humming, or something. Ally sees John, and her face does something. John's face does something. Wow, I wonder what is going on here? Oh no, the episode is over! Will I ever find out?