Everyone's at the bar. Glenn is belting out a tune, and wearing a baseball hat backwards. As much as the sight of a college-y guy in a backwards baseball hat irritates me, I feel compelled to say, wooo! Here, we see some of the old guard/new guard opposition in action -- or, it's raining anvils. John expresses his concern, because Ally, JennyAlly, and Glenn are out carousing when they have deposition the day: "Do you think opposing counsel is out celebrating? What are you celebrating, anyway?" Jenny, bless her, guesses, "It's nighttime?" Seriously. And opposing counsel is there, in the form of Hot Guy Ray, who's also backwards-baseball-hatted. He tips his cigar in John's drink, then asks Ally out, then tips ash in her drink, then hits on Ling. Woo! These are the par-ty days! The difference between what JennyAlly and Glenn are doing, and what Fish and Ling are doing is HAVING FUN. Young people are going for it. Old people, farting dust. Not that Ling, John, and Fish are so old. But why go to a bar if you're going to poop on other people's party? But poop John must, and poop he does. He sputters and asks who Ray is; JennyAlly is all, "You like him" to Ally, who protests. John sputters some more, Ally says she's not going to date him, Ray hits on Nelle, JennyAlly says she knows Ally really wants Glenn, and just as Ally hollers that she does not want to sleep with Glenn, the music stops and everyone in the joint hears her yell that she doesn't want to sleep with Glenn. Everyone got that? Not! Sleep! With! Glenn! Yelled loud! How something!
Credits. Vonda's been down down down this roooooad...
Hey, a street scene of Boston! Ally's at her therapist's office, reliving her (embarrassing? humilating? mortifying? mollifying?) experience of yelling in the bar that she didn't want to sleep with Glenn, and everyone hearing her. I'm thinking of a famous quote -- something about protesting too much? Shakespeare? But back to the facts. Ally says she meant it, it's true -- she didn't want and doesn't want to sleep with Glenn. El Shrinkador takes Ally's "tapered hand," and quotes to her not Shakespeare, but the Archies: "Yummy yummy yummy, I've got love in my tummy." He says that Ally does want that "gumdrop" that is Glenn "stuck in her teeth." Okay, then. If the doctor says it, it must be true. Or is that wine? Hey, that gives me an idea.
Ling and Nelle are walking, wearing fabulous winter coats. Ling's is red, a double-breasted military coat, with rhinestone buttons and square belt buckle. Nell's is a cream trench with black piping, and a long knotted black belt. Love them! Then, a blind man taps into Ling with his cane, earning himself a tongue-lashing. Those canes are not weapons, Ling yells! Then, she bumps into a lady with a baby. Two babies, in fact. Twins. Double strollers, woo! The lady says she was looking at her babies, not the sidewalk. Ling says that the babies are cute, but she and Nelle, in unison, make the finger-gagging gesture. Gag, gag. The lady looks at her offspring again, and Ling chirps, "Makes you just want to quit the law and breed! Ling Woo, birth mother." Gag, gag, and the lawyers are out of there.
Fish calls the meeting to order -- but where is everyone? John is all, what am I, your timekeeper? Ling and Nelle roll in.Glenn chomps on a burger. John snaps. Ally asks why everyone can't just decide to be in a good mood. JennyAlly is all, "LOVE her! When I grow up, I want to be [Ally]." Ew, Jenny just grossed me out. It's okay to think it, Jenny. But keep it all bottled up inside, will you, please? Jenny, Ally, and Glenn are chairing the telemarketer case (remember, from last week?), and as Jenny lays out the stakes (they need a strong deposition), Ally and Glenn exhange looks. Because Jenny has no edit button, she's all, what are you guys looking at? What, why? Tell me tell me tell me? Ally's all, it's nothing, you freak, and let's talk after the meeting. Elaine bursts in and says that Ling has a summons from the Chief Justice of the Superior Court. Ling wants to blow it off. Meeting over. Try to stay awake.
A sad piccolo plays as Ally and Jenny go to Ally's office. Ally's all, Jenny, you're intrusive and inappropriate, so please keep your mouth shut most of the time while you're in my presence. No, I wish. First, Ally doesn't like it when Jenny blurts that she thinks Ally finds a guy attractive. Jenny chirps, "That's just girl talk!" Can Ally finish? Jenny pushes her lips out and wiggles her shoulders back and forth, interrupting constantly, but Ally mentions everything Jenny has done over the last few days and asks her not to do it, though she does enjoy their friendship and wants to have "girl talk sessions" in the future. I guess when you think yourself to be someone's mentor, it's hard to come right out and correct someone's inappropriate behavior, particularly when that person doesn't know you're their mentor, and that every annoying thing they do is right on the money. Jenny's all, "I'm soooo sorry! God! It's only been three days and I already bug you!" Ally denies it. Jenny disagrees. Ally is all, "This bugs me." See? Jenny was right! And please tell me why Ally always wears a pink or red long-sleeved sweater with a dark bra underneath, while all her co-workers (except Elaine) wear jackets? Jenny has a nice blue, Gucci-looking jacket on. Jackets are good! Ally, take heed. You share the same hair, why not the same fashion sense? Jenny says that she thinks Ally is one of the most honest people she's ever met (in the last three days). Ally is all, aww, really? Shucks. You're right, I am awesome. I mean, honest. Then Jenny gets her by adding, since Ally is so very honest and truthful, it surprises her that Ally says she's not attracted to Glenn, since Jenny knows that Ally wants to jump his bones. A-HA! Ally rolls her eyes so much it looks like it hurts, then admits that she does think he's cute. But she's not going to date him. Jenny says she'd be all right with them dating, since Glenn is so great, and we already know how great Jenny thinks Ally is, and Ally says, "REALLY?!" A-ha again. But Ally said she's not going to date him, and that's so not that.
Ling, wearing that great red coat, walk into the Chief Justice's office, muttering, "This better be good." The Chief is so old...HOW OLD IS HE!? His first condom was made out of bark. So old, he farts dust. So old, he rode a dinosaur to school. So old, his social security number is seven. His voice is the voice children put on when they try to talk like old people, all quavery and comical. Ling asks how old the Chief is. HOW OLD IS HE!? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? The world may never know. Anyway, the woman with the two babies to whom Ling was patronizing is the govenor of Massacheusetts. She's offered Ling a judgeship. The old man sputters and coughs. Ling whacks him with her purse. She can be sworn in today and on the bench tomorrow. Ling likes the idea. But does she have to know the law? "Not really. [Ling] would have clerks." Heh. Ling salivates. "Judge Ling...I like it." Of course she does. The music is scary. Hee.
John enters Ally's office and asks whether she thinks these "kids are good lawyers." Plus, Glenn is sooo good-looking, isn't he? Ally mumbles and fidgets. Oh, and what did John mean when he was talking about friends being lovers and lovers friends and all that hoo-hah the other day? 'Member? 'Member that? John says he didn't know. What a PUSSY! Ally says she thinks she and John have always had a connection (they did?), and John has always had an intuition (he did?) about her life. "John, we both know what's going on here...you think I'm going to become lovers with somebody who's my friend, right?" Meaningfuly pause. "You're not merely my friend, are you, John?" John advances gingerly. "You're more like my big brother." Kaboom. The music skids to a stop. John is all, "Carry on," and takes his heartbroken self on out of there.
With the deposition minutes away, Glenn and Ally are anxious. Their witness hasn't shown up yet. The elevator doors open and there's Hot Guy Ray. He calls Ally "thin mint" and the passing Nelle "soft serve." Hee! It's a rattling technique. Ally goes to belt him, and Glenn holds her back, allowing plenty of anvil-sized sparks to pass between them. Finally, the witness shows up. It's Dame Edna, world-famous Aussie talk-show host, with her lilac hair and a Chanel-esque purple sequined jacket on. Since she isn't playing herself, she has round eyeglass frames on. She chirps how delighted she is to meet Jenny, who sounded "thicker" on the phone but is really "almost exquisite." Ally and Glenn are, of course, agog at their wacky-looking witness. This is the whole bit -- Dame Edna looks funny, and may hurt their case. Do I have to go on? She is nutty and comedic, everyone can see it. She calls Glenn "strapping" and makes a great face, like she wants to just eat him up. The three lawyers nervously confer. Glenn is all, "Our case hinges on THAT?" That it does. Dame Edna sneaks up on the three huddled nitwits and asks when the deposition begins. They jump a mile each, then guess now.
John, tie around his head à la Frank Stallone, has his fists pressed together and is staring in the mirror, quivering with exertion. Coretta has a draft to drop off. Shall she put it on his desk? John manages a "yes!," his voice strained. Coretta, clearly freaked, asks for a minute when he's free. John gasps and releases his fists. He's doing "isometrics, an anti-aging technique." Coretta, not much less freaked, begins. She heard him refer to his life as "loveless." Would he like to meet someone? John looks interested, in a muted way. Congrats to Peter MacNicol for winning the Emmy, by the way. Who'd have thought his dedicated work would ever be rewarded? Usually the most deserving person doesn't win. And you can interpret that in any way you want to. Coretta shares that she paid her way through law school by doing "men makeovers." Would John like one? She says she doesn't remember the first time she met John, and that first impressions are important, and that John doesn't make one. Wow, way to talk to your boss! Did she make partner already? John passes on the makeover idea, then tugs on his jowls in the mirror, stopping only when Coretta re-enters to check whether he's looking at the draft she left. He gets right on it.
Dame Edna is going. OFF. The phone " leaps off the table and assaults" her when she's "home from a busy day." She turns the ringer up "so the help can hear it." She lives in a co-LOW-nial home. She just loves the word "co-LOW-nial." It reminds her of frankfurters. And did you know frankfurters are made of intestines? I swear I am not making this up. Hot Guy Ray thinks it's a joke. It isn't, it's Dame Edna. She asks whether Ally "lives in a co-LOW-nial home, and LOOK at how the clothes just HANG off [her], [she's] LOVELY!" Ally makes a pleased/amused face. I'm pleased Ally is finally wearing a jacket over that sweater.
Ling is being fitted for a purple robe. Nelle is like, "No way are they going to let you wear that." Ling isn't planning on asking, she's "just going to take the bench and look stunning!" She looks like a doctoral candidate. Where's her flat hat? Nell looks dubious, but Ling says she doesn't have to be fair to be a judge. Since we live in a litigous society, it's her job to make the people who are being stupid look stupid. Hey, kind of like a recapper's job! Nelle giggles, amused. Me, not so much.
The bar. Four geeks in glasses are singing. Jenny, Ally, and Glenn enter, arguing over how much of a disaster the deposition was. Ally and Glenn are together on this -- not on that! On the fact that the deposition was a disaster. Jenny thinks that in court, Dame Edna will be "less grand and ultimately winning." "Winning," yes. "Less grand"? Not on your life. Ally agrees to try to think positively. Jenny is all, LOVE her! Jenny? Put a sock in it.
Fish and Cage are sitting at the bar, talking about the fact that women don't go for John that much anymore. Fish says that having money makes women want you. Not exactly true, but then, Fish is a pig. John asks rhetorically, "Maybe only freakish women are attracted to me?" Hellew! Is this seat taken? Dame Edna sits to him and places her heavily ringed hand heavily on his shoulder, heavily hitting us over the head with a heavy anvil. Again, we saw all this in the commercial.
Morning. Dame Edna emerges from the elevator, and greets Ally, that lovely creature. Ally is flattered. But she needs Dame Edna to limit her testimony to those awful telemarketing calls. Oooh, yes! Dame Edna can do that. Glenn comes off the elevator , chewing on a hot dog. Oooh! Dame Edna sees he shares her "love of intestines." Glenn groans that this is his breakfast, so please don't say gross words like "intestines." Dame Edna says she usually likes "to grab one early in the day. A quickie!" She means COCK, get it? Get it!? Oh, my sides! The not subtle double entendre RULES! WOOO! But wait -- Ray has moved for a hearing, so the depo with Dame Edna has to be done in court. More non-subtlety! WOOO!
Nelle and Fish are in court, watching Ling go as her bad judge self. She's sworn in and everything. Fast? Not for this show. She calls a case, a Pamela Whoop, or "Hoop," since the "W" is silent. Ling mutters, "Maybe when you say it, it is." The Whoopster is suing a TV station for predicting a clear day, and it rained. Ling is all, "You lose! !" One guy is suing his ex-fiancée for keeping the engagement ring. They were engaged for six weeks. "Did she have sex with you during this time?" "Yes, but..." "She gets to keep the ring. Look at her, look at you. !" Nelle and Fish munch popcorn, amused. Me, not so much.
John apporaches Elaine. Does she remember the first time they met? No. Ho ho ho! John skedaddles to Coretta's office for that man makeover. Not for him, but for a friend, "who is curious." Coretta says she'll show John, and John can show his friend. First, she suggests penciling in thicker eyebrows. Big old eyebrows are a sign of virility, she says. Yeah, right. First I think of Gene Shalit. Then, the Gallagher brothers from Oasis. Virile? Or annoying? You decide. , Coretta reveals that she designs bodysuits. Subtle ones. Made of recycled anvils. Is this an Elaine thing? Can any new characters have tics of their own? Unique tics? Is this too much to ask? John will try a bodysuit. Sigh.
Court. Glenn is trying to argue that Dame Edna isn't quite representative of the class in the 72,000-strong class-action suit. Oh, isn't she? says Hot Guy Ray. The judge is all, get her on the stand! Dame Edna emerges. Hellew! She's so happy to be in this old historic room that goes so well with her frock, and how ex-CI-ting is is to be here, like being on television! She's so happy to meet the judge, and blows him a kiss before finally taking the stand and swearing to tell as much truth about this case as she can. Ally steps up. Dame Edna burps horribly and her voice drops an octave or two. Acid reflux. It's gross. Dame Edna natters on about how lovely Ally is, burrp, and that she's suing the phone companies because lovely Jenny asked her to, burrrp, and the frequent calls are as bad as leaf blowers, disturbing her in her co-LOW-nial home. Ally hollers at Dame Edna, which hurts her feelings. "You're what -- a size two? Such a loud, booming voice!" Now Dame Edna doesn't feel like talking about it. Uh oh.
El Shrinkador asks whether they lost the case, then. Ally says it doesn't look good. Like her hair. The Shrink is like, go to the boy. Do the boy. You and the boy? Go do it. Because it's a "transitional love" thing, that Ally must "journey" through to get to the real love thing. Like college? I don't get it. Except that if Ally and Glenn don't do it soon, I'm going to scream.
Jenny's in her office, which is full of boxes. Glenn enters. Jenny's beating herself up because she chose Dame Edna as the main plaintiff in the case without meeting her, and she only got her job at Cage & Fish because of this case, and her dad told her "every time [she] screw[s] up, [she] pops a freckle, and LOOK!" Wow, didn't Michael Jackson's dad says something similar to him? That's a sign of a bad dad. Could this be part of Jenny's issues? Oh, screw you, DEK, for making me think this way. And Jenny misses Glenn. Is that a crime? No. He misses her, too. Is it a bad idea that they work together? And she still loves him. Is that okay, too? Glenn grabs Jenny's head between his hands and squeezes it like a zit. No, I wish. He does seem to give her cute freckled head a tender squeeze. They touch foreheads, then Ally walks in. Whoops. She leaves. Jenny is all, I think she LIKES you! Do you like her? Check in this box if you do. Because Jenny wouldn't mind! Ally pops her head in and out at this little speech from Jenny, but waits to hear what Glenn will say. He doesn't say anything, so Ally mentions that the clerk has called with the news that the judge made his ruling.
John has on his beefy bodysuit. It's made of gel. There's also a butt pad. "Won't people detect the fraud?" Coretta suggests going away to a spa for a week before donning the suit in public. She gasps when she sees the butt pad. Oh, lord. I hope no one minds if I'm liberal in my interpretation of her gasp. Like, please let it be a gasp not of delight? A gasp of anything other than delight? Please?
Ling's in her chambers, with Nelle perched on the desk. Could these two be any more off the show? And that doesn't make me happy. They may as well phone in their performances, though. It's just a bummer to see two good actresses get nudged out like this. Not deserving! But whatever, it's DEK. There's a knock on her door. A TV station manager, from the case Ling dismissed earlier, comes in. He's offering Ling her own judge show. She's cuter than Judge Judy, after all. But Judge Mills Lane? No one is cuter then he. Just kidding. No, I'm not. The TV station manager is all, "Seven figures" and "We'll pay you to be a bitch!" ["Damn, where's my TV show, then?" -- Wing Chun] Nelle gets her third line of the show in, muttering, "And she's happy being one for free!" Ling likes the idea, of course. Oh, Ling's off the show. I'm sad.
In the telemarketing case, the judge has ruled that the idea of telemarketing calls is not harrassment, but a nuisance. The case will be refiled as such. Dame Edna is happy. Yay! Ally can't belive it. Me neither.
The Four Geeks are singing at the bar again. Glenn and Hot Guy Ray, both backward-baseball-hatted AGAIN, are dancing with Ally and Jenny, AGAIN. Ally dances with Glenn, expressing her concern about him and Jenny working togther, since they were in love and all, then wham, she's dancing with Ray. "J-j-just go with it," smarms Ray, then he passes her off to Jenny. Ally is all befuddled. Again. Some more.
John explains to Fish that he's going away to a spa for a week. To get his body in shape. A little toning. Just wait and see.
The two backwards-baseball hat dudes dance like the Two Annoying Tops, opposite from Jenny and Ally. Ally maybe enjoys herself. Right.
After the bar, we have a little fake Boston sidewalk action. The movie marquee reads "Malicious Intent," which is not the funniest fake thriller title. The funniest fake thriller title is "Urgent Needs." Feel free to borrow it. I know I did! The boys (Glenn and Ray) are drunken, annoying, and squabbling, with the girls (Jenny and Ally) lagging behind. Do they always fight this way, asks Ally? Jenny's all, "They're good friends. We're good friends, right?" And does Ally want to do it with Glenn? Jenny wouldn't mind! Really! Oh my god, WE KNOW. The boys, playing fake tug-of-war in the middle of the fake street, finally snare a cab. Jenny asks why women are attracted to guys acting like four-year-olds. SPEAK FOR YOUR OWN DELUSIONAL SELF, woman. They march toward the cab. Ally lives right nearby, and Glenn will walk her. Ray is all, "She's mine!" Ally is all, "Get a brain."
Finally Glenn and Ally are alone. Is he okay working with Jenny? Why aren't they a couple? Glenn says they're great as friends, but when they're a couple, they "judge" each other and start to "not like each other," which is when "it gets to be wrong." Ally is about to go inside, then Glenn stops her. The music starts up. Not the bamp-chicka-bamp-bamp music, but the tender, gentle loving music. Glenn says it's rare to meet someone and feel for them right away...like Ally does for Jenny. The music skids to a stop. Yeah, Jenny. She's great. "Very special." And Ally must be special, too. Ally is flattered. God, does she always get complimented so often in an episode? Okay, goodnight. No, wait. Vonda starts singing, and Glenn advances, and says that he and Jenny are over as a couple. Definitely. Over. Okay. See you at work. They shake hands. Sparks fly like anvils. Okay. Ally watches him leave, the wind blowing her bad hair wistfully in the breeze.