This new season starts out with the whump of the couch cushions: Ally's unburdening herself (now that's a Herculean task -- Sisyphian, even) to her shrink. This time, she's telling a stupid little story about being scooter-borne and bumping into a sweet young (younger than geezerish Ally, anyway) thing who, amazingly, is not hurt by being bumped by Ally's string-beanish frame, but is somehow cathartically changed. "I feel fine," chirps the new girl. "In fact, I don't even love him anymore!" This new lass is a lawyer who worked with her boyfriend until they broke up and she got canned and she's all "broken-hearted" and is any of this sounding familiar to El Shrinakdor? Sounding familiar? Familiar? Jesus, it's a DO-OVER. Can I just cut and paste from Pamie and Gwen's recaps? Please say yes. Oh, anyway, El Shrinkador is (head tilt) "confused." Cut to street scene, where Ally walks and clutches her scooter and listens to Sweet Young Thing nattering on that her ex-boyfriend "took his finger and tickled [her] uterus," before almost getting hit by a car. Ally is reminded of herself, and hires Sweet Young Thing. Because Ally wants to be her mentor. Oh, sweet lord.
Hey, the credits are new! If I weren't having a seizure, I'd be able to tell you about them. Look, Ally's on a scooter. Maybe she'll get away this time. And there's Vonda. As if she's a character. And, oh, new people. Fresh meat. Young blood. Good for you for getting on a TV show and all, but really, the money you're making is just going to go toward therapy later. Trust me.
Vonda is bleating "Everyday People," by Sly and the Family Stone, as we get a b-roll of Boston by air. Boston is very pretty, even though the weather conditions there make it impossible for everyone other than Portia de Rossi to have decent hair. Like, Ally and her doppelganger both have these really horrible choppy bobs with curly bits and straight bits. Did they stick their heads in blenders before leaving the house? Ally and New Girl get off the elevator, dump their stuff with Elaine, then enter the staff meeting, both late. Ally announces that she has hired Jenny. Fish is all, you did what now? They have already hired Coretta, who bobs her head in a "this is me!" gesture. Ling, in a bright asymmetrical top (Mossimo?), snarls that she doesn't like the new girl. Cage is eating what looks like cake. Portia is all backlit, hair glowing, looking perturbed. Ally just bounces into her chair, saying she thought they had to hire someone else, and oh, she has a case! Jenny goes into it -- she sued the phone company for getting too many marketing calls. It's a class action suit with 72,000 plaintiffs. And since she just got fired, she comes to Cage & Fish with 72,000 of her own clients. Everyone, even the new non-Ally-clone girl, looks impressed. Fish welcomes her to the firm. Elaine prances in with Glenn, who of course, is Jenny's ex-boyfriend There's a round of "what are you doing here?" "what are you doing here?" They both work there, that's what they're doing here. Ha ha! Isn't this a dilly of a pickle! Ally is all like, wha? Who he? Oh, it's HIM! A quadruple-take follows. Everyone gets a reaction shot as it sinks in that exes will be working in the same law firm together. Again. Some more.
Back to the couch of El Shrinkador, where Ally reveals that she is hot for her new mentoree's ex. Of course she is. "He's a boy! A young boy! And pretty! I never go for young, pretty boys!" Could that be her problem? Not the only one. The doc isn't "clear [head tilt]" as to why this is a problem. Ally gets bitchy and is all, why do you tilt your head when you talk? And why on "c" words? The doc has a [head tilt] chronic tic disorder. Of course he does. And thanks for making fun of him. Ally quickly moves into a shame spiral. She doesn't trust this guy yet, because she has issues with lawyers that are also therapists, and did she ever mention that year she spent with the lawyer she thought was a therapist? Oh, boy. The doc is all, back to the young boy, please. Seriously. He's wrong for Ally, says she, because -- as a series of glamour shots flash by -- he's "so GQ." Really? I'd say, judging by the glamor shots, that he's not. Rather, too "International Male catalogue" -- or perhaps even a little too "Supercuts head shot." Besides, Ally has "done the whole love-triangle thing. And what's the word for people who live the same scenario over and over again?" The doc and I say the same thing at the same time: "pathetic." DEK just slapped all of you. Why can't he be the one to get arressted for possesion? I mean, couldn't have Aaron Sorkin said he was holding the crack for DEK? EVERYONE WOULD HAVE BELIEVED IT. Anyway, Ally says she she won't relive her past problems (why should she, when there are new characters to do it for her?), and is committed to "a new year with new issues." El Shrinakdor asks for Ally's hand, and points out that while she says she wants to talk about the new girl, she only talks about the boy. Dude, it's only an hour, three times a week. The new girl will be lucky if you learn her name by the end of the season. With Ally, it's always all about the boys. Do I even need to say it?
Ally enters her office, and sees her clone sitting there, sad-faced. My god, their hairdos had to have been done at the same food processor. They even have the part on the same side. This show is so not subtle. Still, I want to see them in matching outfits. JennyAlly has an issue: her old firm won't release the files on her class-action suit, and she needs them for court tomorrow. She calls her old bosses "pricks." And what does Ally think of Glenn? After many stammers, he rates as "nice." And will Ally be JennyAlly's new best friend? Will she? Will she will she will she? And has Ally ever had a close male friend -- you know, a non-naked male friend in a non-sexual relationship who was friendly, and without sex or doing it? Ally stammers some more, and says yeah, one of her best friends is a man she doesn't have sex with: John. The little guy, the Biscuit. Oh, yeah, him. John Cage. Ally loves him. Not loves him loves him, of course, but as she insists that she platonically loves him, he comes around the corner, overhears her, and misunderstands. Try as he might, for all his mugging, it is not a hilarious misunderstanding. There's no heat, Ally says, after John has slunk away, flabbergasted and flummoxed and with his jaw all dropped and shit.
John enters Fish's office. Ally loves me, he says. Loves you? Loves me. The music swells. It's still not hilarious.
Another new day, another aerial shot of Boston. And, unfortunately, more "singing." Vonda bleats, "I think I'm going out of my heee-aaaad." Ally chews her finger. Vonda? We know. Everyone knows. JennyAlly comes in, interrupting the "reverie," and reminds Ally about court. Right, that! That thing!
Fish and GQ Glenn parade through the office. Glenn wants to split, as to not move in on JennyAlly's turf. Fish fast-talks him into believing that it isn't up to him to decide -- or, rather, that his decision has already been made and he's staying. The other new girl -- Coretta -- tells Glenn to give it a week. Fish is all, yeah, that's a good idea, and I don't even pay her what I pay you. You know the notion that DEK loves women? I think the opposite is true.
Ally and JennyAlly are late to court. No, they're not. Yes, they are. Some older man says hello to JennyAlly. It's the dude from her old firm who fired her. "Not fired -- we just had a situation, dear," he says. He patronizes her some more by saying he hopes that she will run her own law firm someday and understand the fincial stresses. Sure he does. JennyAlly sees the other lawyer who is arguing her old firm's side and gets even more psyched out. Yeah, nice to meet you! The dudes leave; JennyAlly says she noticed that Ally "checked [her] outfit" after meeting the other lawyer, which means she is hot for him. JennyAlly does the same thing. Ally doesn't deny it.
Cage and Fish are still talking. Were they there all night? Fish didn't know about Cage's feelings. Neither did Cage! This is --how you say? -- sad. When Cage heard Ally say she loved him, that's when Cage knew. And why won't he just make a move? "Ally is riddled with emotional deficits! One thing she can't fathom is being loved by a worthy other." WE KNOW. Cage says that by pursuing Ally, he'll render himself non-desirable. He can either seem "deficient in her lake-like eyes" by "declaring his fancy," or just remain loved by afar. See, this shit -- and the visual tics of this show, and the music, and most of the stuntcasting -- is what I hate most about this show. The truly sick relationship stuff, and then all the other stuff is what I hate. Fish is all, "Do what you have to do, then," which is exactly what I would say when I mean, "Shut up and get out of my office, you sad twat." Fish gives more advice about Cage making himself "accessible" by dropping "hints," even though the odds of Ally liking Cage are, "hello." Yeah. How scary is it that I'm indentifying with Fish? I'll be a recapper casualty before the second episode if this keeps up.
Court. Ally and JennyAlly can say "oh please" at the same time, and finish each other's sentences. Is it okay if I skip over the legalese? Oh, okay. The old firm thinks that they are conflicted in pursuing the telemarketing case, since one of the plantiffs was an old client, and zzzz. Ally gets mad when the lawyer she's hot for misremembers her name. JennyAlly calls him a "dink." The judge is like, JennyAlly is still on the case, see you in court tomorrow. The gavel goes "blam."
Why is every shot of Boston a freaking aerial shot? I'd be pissed, if I lived there. You know, come on down to the street once in a while, DEK? What are you, scared? Anyway. They're in the bar now. Four bespectacled dorks are singing. JennyAlly and Glenn are dancing, Ally, John, and Richard are drinking. Me? Drinking. Ally says they should keep JennyAlly because she's a "fighter." But what about the Glenn stuff? Cage is all, "Friends can be lovers, and lovers friends. Maybe one day that'll be in the cards for you, Ally." Fish chokes on his whiskey twice. Me too.
And we're back on the couch. Again. Some more. Ally says someone is "after [her]," but she doesn't know who. El Shrinkador asks if it could be JennyAlly, "lesbionically." Dude, I would so be out the DOOR if a doctor ever said that to me. After I picked myself off the floor, where I would have collapsed with laughter at the phrase "lesbionically." "Lesbionic" sounds like the Six Million Dollar Woman's life partner. Anyway, who's after Ally? Hmm? Who could it be? The boy? The doc asks for Ally's hand, then goes off: First, it was an older woman that made him a man, he says. Then, he tells Ally that she will meet a "perfect mate," marry him, then try to change him. Thirty years later, she'll look across the table at her changed, idiosyncrasy-free guy, and say, "You're not the man I married!" His point is that "young men are trainable. It's the woman that makes the man." DEK, you are scaring me.
Another day, another aerial shot of Boston. Ally's on the couch, in a Prada top. What, does she buy therapy time like I buy blocks of yoga classes? You know, in bulk, months at a time? She says she thinks his man-fixing theory is wrong, and "not what we should look for in relationships." But that's what we do, he says. Ally is all, nooo, bad, wrong. The doc asks for her hand again, and then says he's going to tell her a secret. She leans in conspiratorially. "If [her] desire for him is sexual, and only sexual, [she] should go to [herself] with him in mind." Hee! I like that. "Go to yourself." It works with all genders! But please, god, spare me an Ally masturbation scene. I wonder if she even knows how. No, I take it back. I don't want to know.
Another aerial shot? But this is the same day. Ally is scootering herself off to work, as the voice-over wonders about being pursued, and maybe "god made another [Ally]." We see JennyAlly scootering fifteen feet behind Ally, juggling anvils and doing more subtle things like having exactly the same hairstyle as Ally. They get off the elevator, and Elaine takes their matching scooters. Fish asks Ally to help work it out between Glenn and JennyAlly. Christ. Ally-Billy, Jenny-Glenn. You know, in the New Reality, now more then ever, we should all treasure subtlety. I am not kidding. Please. This totally obvious "symbolism"? Is not pleasant. Try a little metaphor. It won't hurt. Please. This has been your public service announcement from Mighty Big TV. Thank you. Ally stalks off and bumps into Cage, who calls her "pork chop." I'm sure you saw it on all the promos for this episode. Ally takes umbrage, Cage is horrified. He meant to say "lamb chop." But you knew that.
Hey, JennyAlly's old firm, in the form of Hot Guy and Glenn, has an offer for her: $75,000, which goes right in her pocket. Sweet! The settlement offer comes not from the phone company, which she's suing, but from her old firm. They're offering the payoff to "keep their billion-dollar clients happy." Ally makes a few noises ("bribe! Payoff!") and the Hot Guy is all, are you married? Ally and JennyAlly argue, sotto voce about whether Ally thinks Hot Guy is hot. Hot. Ally thinks. Then, JennyAlly lashes out at Glenn for coming up with this idea of a payoff or bribe or settlement or whatever, for trying to look like he's rescuing her, or for actually rescuing her. It's hard to tell when everyone talks at once. Then JennyAlly says that Glenn wants her to "go down on his lance later." Ally asks whether Jenny and Glenn still have sex. Are the words "too much information" not in this woman's vocabulary? Or DEK's, for that matter? I guess the audience is just supposed to say, "Ooh, girl! No she di'in't!" and just be entertained at the absurdity. Sorry, DEK. The Ally McTwins say no deal. As do I.
At the second therapy appointment of the day, El Shrinkador asks whether Ally has any "aging issues," and says she needs to extinguish her evil urges by embracing a younger man. In other words, why don't she and Glenn just GO DO IT already.
Cage is in the bathroom, "working on a new smile." Coretta, the Other New Girl, enters with a little trepidation. Good for you, Coretta. Cage asks whether he can "ask her something as a woman." Corretta says yes, but isn't Cage a man? I laugh out loud for the first time all night. He apologizes for "dangling a modifier," and asks his question: can two ex-lovers work together and still be friends? Yes, Coretta and I say. Oh, good. And can two friends who work together become lovers? No, says Coretta. Coretta has clearly never worked in the food-service or nightclub industry, I say. But let's hear Coretta's theory, shall we? "Attraction is instant." And one doesn't "slide into a relationship." Except for the one time it happened to her. She presses herself up against Cage, cheek to cheek, and repeats what her guy said to her: "I want you, and you want me, so let's get down to business." Then she pulls away and says that was an exception. Yes, I think everyone but John Cage knows that. And are Glenn and Jenny going to work here together? Yeah, it's only the whole nucleus of the show, Coretta. Geez, you were doing so well.
Vonda-and-aerial-shot, sitting in a tree. At the Bar, the Cage and Fish are talking about Coretta's expereince. Cage is all, Ally is MAGIC. Hee. Is she "wizard" too? Ally comes up behind them, and Cage screams and falls on the ground, just like in the promos. Fish asks Ally to convince Glenn to stay at the firm, and uses Cage's speech ("Glenn is MAGIC, Ally!") to do it. Cage shoots the dirtiest of looks. It still isn't hilarious.
Oh great, some nighttime pajama wandering, Ally-style. The woman's pajamas are so elaborate, Victorians wouldn't even wear them. She's wearing the pajama equavalent of a three-piece suit. There are so many bows and fasteners, I've lost count. Wardobe people? My heart goes out to you. With her shrink's words echoing in her mind, Ally lies down on the bed. "Go to yourself....extinguish the urge...". Wow, if Ally busts out a selection of vibrators right now, she might win my respect. She lies on her back, hands clamped by her side. Then she uses the remote to turn on the stereo. Barry White booms, "I don't wanna see no clothes....I don't wanna see no panties." Barry White doesn't wanna go shopping with Alex Richmond, then. Well, maybe for shoes. He didn't say he didn't wanna see no shoes. Ally flicks off...the radio, you perverts. She looks at her male dummy thing and asks what he's looking at. A frustrated woman, duh. She flicks...the radio on again, and it's the theme to The Partridge Family. Hello world, hear the song that we're singin'! C'mon, get to masturbatiiiing! But of course, she can't. Wuss.
Office time, again. Cage and Fish are arguing about what to do about the John/Ally love thing. Cage finally says he loves her. He loves her! Fish sits down with a plop and tells Cage to be direct with her, then. See, you think he's being supportive, but his secret code isn't fooling me. What he really means is, tell HER about it, just like the Billy freaking Joel song, and GET. OUT. Cage runs out. Good work, Fish.
Ally and JennyAlly are heading to court. Glenn pops up; Ally checks her outfit, and is busted by JennyAlly. JennyAlly excuses herself, leaving Glenn and Ally alone. Neither of them asks the other out. God, these people are useless! Glenn says he was thinking of leaving the firm. Ally is all, oh! Then, Cage pops up, suggests that he and Ally "get down to business," and gets rejected. That went well. Cage's nose begins playing like a slide whistle. The women prance off to court, and Glenn cocks his head like a dog at Cage's nose-whistling. Still. Not. Hilarious.
Court. JennyAlly is arguring her class-action suit (if her clients are to be considered a class) against the phone company for cold-calling people. The judge is all, show me the damages! JennyAlly is flustered, but she can do it. She can do eeet! And starts speechifyin'. The phone people don't value your precious time at home. Their calling is of no cost to them, and they don't care what it costs you. How about a dollar a call? The judge is all, you don't have to pick up the phone. You can turn off the ringer. JennyAlly is all, what if you're waiting for a call? What if you're waiting for him to call, and it's always the damn phone company! She gets teary and the sad oboe starts to play. Get it? Get it?
So, JennyAlly is sitting on the couch. Glenn comes in and is all, is that why you sued? Because you were waiting for me to call you? Aww. That is so cute! But she broke up with him. She did! And that's going to stick. And should they work together? Yeah, because "those teenagers [Glenn] dates will take up all of his free time." Besides, Ally worked with an ex-lover! He died, but Glenn doesn't have to! Aww.
Boz Scaggs is all lipsynching, "It's Over." Get it? Oh man, that DEK is fucking brill. Magic, even! Fish dashes off to the bar, leaving Cage to ask Ally (again, some more) whether she thinks lovers can be friends. Oh yeah, she does. She'd have to, wouldn't she? And she even says that maybe JennyAlly and Glenn will have what Ally and Cage have. Which is a true platonic friendship. The needle goes off the record and Boz, thanks for your time. Dude, you should never say that to a guy. Guys always want to have sex with you. You can think it, but don't say it. Anyway, Cage is like, "Yeah, we're blessed, isn't that great," clink glasses, hooray, I'm not getting any.
The band starts up, and Glenn sings "The Lady is a Tramp" for JennyAlly. He's got a good voice. It's just enough like Frank Sinatra.
Cage tells Fish it's off with Ally. Duh.
Couch time, again. Is Ally this guy's only client? She gurgles on about how great Glenn is, with his singing and all. But JennyAlly still loves him, and Ally wants to protect her. From what? Ally wants to save JennyAlly from her fate, which is becoming "someone who wants love, but no longer believes in it." Go shrink go. His final words? "You really want that boy." Fine, have sex with the boy and ruin your mentor relationship. I don't care.