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This new season starts out with the whump of the couch cushions: Ally's unburdening herself (now that's a Herculean task -- Sisyphian, even) to her shrink. This time, she's telling a stupid little story about being scooter-borne and bumping into a sweet young (younger than geezerish Ally, anyway) thing who, amazingly, is not hurt by being bumped by Ally's string-beanish frame, but is somehow cathartically changed. "I feel fine," chirps the new girl. "In fact, I don't even love him anymore!" This new lass is a lawyer who worked with her boyfriend until they broke up and she got canned and she's all "broken-hearted" and is any of this sounding familiar to El Shrinakdor? Sounding familiar? Familiar? Jesus, it's a DO-OVER. Can I just cut and paste from Pamie and Gwen's recaps? Please say yes. Oh, anyway, El Shrinkador is (head tilt) "confused." Cut to street scene, where Ally walks and clutches her scooter and listens to Sweet Young Thing nattering on that her ex-boyfriend "took his finger and tickled [her] uterus," before almost getting hit by a car. Ally is reminded of herself, and hires Sweet Young Thing. Because Ally wants to be her mentor. Oh, sweet lord.
Hey, the credits are new! If I weren't having a seizure, I'd be able to tell you about them. Look, Ally's on a scooter. Maybe she'll get away this time. And there's Vonda. As if she's a character. And, oh, new people. Fresh meat. Young blood. Good for you for getting on a TV show and all, but really, the money you're making is just going to go toward therapy later. Trust me.
Vonda is bleating "Everyday People," by Sly and the Family Stone, as we get a b-roll of Boston by air. Boston is very pretty, even though the weather conditions there make it impossible for everyone other than Portia de Rossi to have decent hair. Like, Ally and her doppelganger both have these really horrible choppy bobs with curly bits and straight bits. Did they stick their heads in blenders before leaving the house? Ally and New Girl get off the elevator, dump their stuff with Elaine, then enter the staff meeting, both late. Ally announces that she has hired Jenny. Fish is all, you did what now? They have already hired Coretta, who bobs her head in a "this is me!" gesture. Ling, in a bright asymmetrical top (Mossimo?), snarls that she doesn't like the new girl. Cage is eating what looks like cake. Portia is all backlit, hair glowing, looking perturbed. Ally just bounces into her chair, saying she thought they had to hire someone else, and oh, she has a case! Jenny goes into it -- she sued the phone company for getting too many marketing calls. It's a class action suit with 72,000 plaintiffs. And since she just got fired, she comes to Cage & Fish with 72,000 of her own clients. Everyone, even the new non-Ally-clone girl, looks impressed. Fish welcomes her to the firm. Elaine prances in with Glenn, who of course, is Jenny's ex-boyfriend There's a round of "what are you doing here?" "what are you doing here?" They both work there, that's what they're doing here. Ha ha! Isn't this a dilly of a pickle! Ally is all like, wha? Who he? Oh, it's HIM! A quadruple-take follows. Everyone gets a reaction shot as it sinks in that exes will be working in the same law firm together. Again. Some more.
Back to the couch of El Shrinkador, where Ally reveals that she is hot for her new mentoree's ex. Of course she is. "He's a boy! A young boy! And pretty! I never go for young, pretty boys!" Could that be her problem? Not the only one. The doc isn't "clear [head tilt]" as to why this is a problem. Ally gets bitchy and is all, why do you tilt your head when you talk? And why on "c" words? The doc has a [head tilt] chronic tic disorder. Of course he does. And thanks for making fun of him. Ally quickly moves into a shame spiral. She doesn't trust this guy yet, because she has issues with lawyers that are also therapists, and did she ever mention that year she spent with the lawyer she thought was a therapist? Oh, boy. The doc is all, back to the young boy, please. Seriously. He's wrong for Ally, says she, because -- as a series of glamour shots flash by -- he's "so GQ." Really? I'd say, judging by the glamor shots, that he's not. Rather, too "International Male catalogue" -- or perhaps even a little too "Supercuts head shot." Besides, Ally has "done the whole love-triangle thing. And what's the word for people who live the same scenario over and over again?" The doc and I say the same thing at the same time: "pathetic." DEK just slapped all of you. Why can't he be the one to get arressted for possesion? I mean, couldn't have Aaron Sorkin said he was holding the crack for DEK? EVERYONE WOULD HAVE BELIEVED IT. Anyway, Ally says she she won't relive her past problems (why should she, when there are new characters to do it for her?), and is committed to "a new year with new issues." El Shrinakdor asks for Ally's hand, and points out that while she says she wants to talk about the new girl, she only talks about the boy. Dude, it's only an hour, three times a week. The new girl will be lucky if you learn her name by the end of the season. With Ally, it's always all about the boys. Do I even need to say it?
Ally enters her office, and sees her clone sitting there, sad-faced. My god, their hairdos had to have been done at the same food processor. They even have the part on the same side. This show is so not subtle. Still, I want to see them in matching outfits. JennyAlly has an issue: her old firm won't release the files on her class-action suit, and she needs them for court tomorrow. She calls her old bosses "pricks." And what does Ally think of Glenn? After many stammers, he rates as "nice." And will Ally be JennyAlly's new best friend? Will she? Will she will she will she? And has Ally ever had a close male friend -- you know, a non-naked male friend in a non-sexual relationship who was friendly, and without sex or doing it? Ally stammers some more, and says yeah, one of her best friends is a man she doesn't have sex with: John. The little guy, the Biscuit. Oh, yeah, him. John Cage. Ally loves him. Not loves him loves him, of course, but as she insists that she platonically loves him, he comes around the corner, overhears her, and misunderstands. Try as he might, for all his mugging, it is not a hilarious misunderstanding. There's no heat, Ally says, after John has slunk away, flabbergasted and flummoxed and with his jaw all dropped and shit.