Previously on Ally McBeal: Reverend Newman broke up with his choir-singer girlfriend Lisa; she sang suggestive songs in church, and he didn't fire her for fear of reprisal in the form of a sexual-harassment suit. I think this was more than a season ago, actually. ["I believe you are correct." -- Wing Chun]
Christine Lahti walks down the street in ugly spectator pumps and a black trench coat as a young-Christopher-Reeve lookalike and several other men gawk at her. The Taylor-Dayne soundalike belts, "Love is alive, love is alive, yeah! Yea-eah! Hee-ee-ee-aw! Yeah!" Waves of heat emit from Lahti's body (also rhymes with "hottie") as she takes the elevator up to Fish & Cage. Before Elaine can fetch Richard, he's there, stammering and staring at Hottie Lahti Body. Her character's name is Sydney, though. Richard already knows this, and he leads her to his office. Mark sidles up to Elaine and asks, "Who's that?" in a casual gossipy tone, as if the two of them didn't just have a bitter breakup. Ling and Nelle stick their heads around a corner and make catty noises.
In Richard's office, Sydney takes off her coat, revealing a white shirt that looks like it's corseted. As she speaks to Richard, her voice does this goofy reverb thing that's supposed to be hypnotically sexy. She asks Richard whether he gets off on "mommy talk" and whether he's aroused. He indicates that he does and is. She asks him to hold off until she's finished explaining her case. It seems that Sydney runs a company and only hires men to work there. The men are "drones" and she is "the queen," and this sounds like something I've heard before on this show. I sigh. "Have you ever sucked on a woman's toe before, Richey?" Sydney asks. Richard says that he's a lawyer, and asks whether she's there to hire his firm or what. Sydney tells him that she is, but that she can't tell him about her case until he stops thinking about sucking her toe. He says that he can't. She asks whether he can promise to stop sucking her toe after one minute. He says he can. She takes off her shoe and says, "Go to my foot, Richey." I can't remember whether or not she was wearing hose in the scene. It seems like she had on black ones. I don't really want to think about her toes, anyway, though, because they're probably all calloused from the roach-killer shoes she wears. So I'm just going to move on to the scene, all right?
Morning meeting. Nelle and Jackson are assigned to the Rev. Newman and Lisa Knowles case. Ling, Nelle, and Ally want to know who Sydney Gale is. Elaine comes in and announces that Sydney's waiting for Richard. Richard tells John to accompany him. John seems irritated about having to stop eating his cherry pie. Jackson looks at Ling. Mark takes off his shirt, looks at the camera, and begs me to rescue him. Oh, wait. No, he doesn't.
Richard's office. John freaks out over Richard's toe-sucking episode. Sydney walks in wearing a clingy white dress and gives John the Reverbo hello. "Oh. Richey told you about my toe. Would you like to see it?" she asks John. I imagine her holding up a bandaged bunion for his perusal.
Conference room. Rev. Newman tells Nelle and Jackson that Lisa, his ex, uses his church's choir as a venue for singing hostile songs. The hostile songs are directed at Buttons, the minister's new girlfriend, who is also in the choir. He's afraid to fire Lisa because he thinks she'd sue him for sexual harassment. Whatever.
Courtroom. Some guy testifies that he and the other hundred or so men who worked for Sydney Gale lusted after her. Because this guy was about to be married, he requested that he no longer have contact with Ms. Gale. She fired him. John cross-examines, asking why this guy didn't simply leave the company if he was made so uncomfortable by all the lusting. John gets the guy to admit that he didn't want to leave Sydney nor leave off licking her forearm. Whatever.
Rev. Newman gives a rousing sermon about conquering violence with love. Lisa Knowles steps down from the choir's pews to begin canting the hymn. "Well, I'd rather see you dead, little girl, than to see you with my man," she sings. The woman I presume to be Buttons looks uncomfortable while the rest of the choir sings back up. I guess she didn't make it to choir practice that week. She rallies quickly, however, stepping down to Lisa's dais and joining in the hymnal with, "Baby, I'm determined, and I'd rather see you dead." There's a battle of vocal adlibs. "You better run and hide!" sings Lisa. "Go get a life!" sings Buttons. The women finish the song and glare at each other horridly while the congregation cheers. Nelle and Jackson, who have been watching from a pew the whole time, furrow their faces.
In one of their offices, Richard and John watch a video about bees. John points out the queen. Richard asks whether the other bees are fornicating with her. John explains that they're working. The worker bees work, and the queen just gets her toe sucked, he says. At this point I'd like to thank lochia, one of the posters on our forum, for pointing out that worker bees are female. Thanks, lochia!
Lobby. Nelle explains to Rev. Newman that, since his congregation loved the dueling divas, he doesn't really have just cause for a case. Jackson suggests mediation between the women, and the Rev frets. Jackson tells him, "My specialty is smooth," adding that he can smooth things out. Nelle tells him, "Oh, please," but then ruins it by apologizing immediately afterward.
Courtroom. Sydney wears a skanky red dress and testifies that she does, in fact, run her company like a beehive. She talks about using the desire to copulate as an inducement for getting the most work out of her drones. As lochia reminded us, drones are the male bees that wait around until it's time to impregnate the queen. They don't do any work. This reminds me of the stupid toilet paper commercial in which tiny cartoon women were talking about how great their quilted toilet paper was while they worked on it with knitting needles. Later, after the haute monde that is the needleworking set had expressed its scorn, the animation was changed. It now shows the women quilting the toilet paper with huge sewing needles that they improperly hold as if they were knitting needles. That's the sort of thing that will keep textile crafters from purchasing certain brands of toilet paper, and that's the sort of thing that will keep beekeepers from enjoying Ally McBeal, as far as I'm concerned. Mark my words. John goes on to ask Sydney about her "power." She says some crap about having a pheromone, just like a queen bee, and that it "motivates the drone, knowing he might be able to offer his spermatozoa to the queen." She tells opposing counsel that she advises prospective employees not to take the job unless they're prepared to want her.
Sydney rides the elevator to Fish & Cage with Fish and Cage, removing something from her mouth and putting it in Richard's hand while they wait. He saves whatever it is. John nervously stares at Sydney. "I have to use the little boys' room," Sydney says when the door opens. Larry walks by and she uses the Reverbo Voice on him. Ally yanks him away and makes a goofy, watered-down version of Ling's growling noise. Then Ling herself walks up and finds her way blocked by Sydney. They do the right-of-way dance for a while and then Sydney smirkingly lets Ling go. How annoying she is. I can't stand women who base their self-worth upon their ability to steal sexual attention from other women. Especially when women like this constantly employ some other woman to sing, "Love is alive! Love is alive, yeah!" in the background.
Office. John and Richard ponder the highly desirable enigma that is Sydney Gale. John overdramatizes his impulse to "ravage" her. He forcefully begs Richard not to let him "succumb."
Nelle, Jackson, Lisa Knowles, Rev. Newman, Buttons, and some unknown woman confer in the conference room. Lisa says that, as the music supah-visor, she has the right to choose whatever songs she wants. Nelle says, of Rev. Newman, "Now that he's dating again..." and the unknown woman says, "Can I stop you right there? 'Cause that's a violation right there -- his dating again." I have just decided that this portion of the show is to be the Transcribed Dialogue of the Week.
Nelle: I'm sorry?
Unknown Woman: To be open and notorious, carrying on a love affair right in front of the nose of a female employee who he used to be involved with -- that's sexual harassment.
Rev. Newman: What?
Nelle: How do you figure that?
UW:I figure it 'cause it's a sexually charged thing, contributing to a hostile work environment.
Nelle: The law says...
UW:I'm not finished. I tell you what the law is. The sexual harassment law is an expanding thing. It changes and grows every day.
Nelle: Well, Mrs. Parks, I'm sure you're quick to champion expansion whenever you get the opportunity...
UW: What's that? A fat joke? You making a fat joke now?
Jackson: All, all, all right now...
Nelle: I am not making a...
Jackson: Let's hold on here. There are a lot of emotions on the surface.
UW [now identified as Mrs. Parks]: Oh, shut up, pretty boy. Nobody likes a pretty boy.
Jackson: No one here is attempting to be pretty.
Mrs. Parks: What's that -- an ugly joke? She's making fat jokes, you're making ugly jokes. [to Lisa] Is he calling you ugly?
Lisa: [looking at Buttons] He meant her.
Buttons: That's funny, you tank.
Jackson: Okay, okay, okay, that is enough.
Mrs. Parks: Ain't you pretty?
Jackson: Are you a real lawyer?
Mrs. Parks: What's that -- a dumb joke? Fat, ugly, and dumb now.
We learn that Mrs. Parks is actually Lisa's "emotional representative." She reiterates her belief that Lisa can sing whatever she wants and that if she gets fired, it will be sexual harassment. As the "musical director," Lisa's "got quid, she's got pro, and she's got quo, and she'll be suing his holy ass," Mrs. Parks tells us. She says that if Rev. Newman doesn't dump Buttons, Lisa will continue to sing whatever hostile songs she wants. They leave the room and Nelle, who's been unable to contain her mirth throughout the "pretty boy" comments, slags Jackson's smooth approach.
I'm not going to bother to talk about Mrs. Parks as the clichéd big black woman who talks loud, is quick to take offense, and makes herself sound ridiculous. I mean, they might as well have just used Tracy Morgan in his Star Jones drag for this role. However, I'm thinking that everything's going to be okay, since Buttons is also a large black woman and her character is being treated with the same amount of respect as the rest of them. Perhaps surprisingly, I'm also not going to suggest that the "fat joke" thing was a shout-out to me. It may be true that I've spent a few nights poking at my voodoo dolls of the MBTV recappers who do get attention from the writers, directors, producers, and actors associated with the shows they recap. It may be true that I've twisted, in my mind, vague mentions of trailers on 7th Heaven into tokens of Aaron Spelling's unresolved sexual tension where I'm concerned. However, I would never go so far as to believe that David E. Kelley or anyone on his staff reads the humble little recaps that I write about his show, or my forums. I know that Mr. Kelley is a very important, very busy man. If he ever did us the honor of perusing anything we said about his creation, we would immediately know. We would feel his presence and his power because, as insignificant as our opinions are, Mr. Kelley would undoubtedly deign to make his Galatea, Ally McBeal, STOP TOUCHING HER DAMNED MOUTH. No powerful demi-god would be so cruel as to ignore so many piteous prayers from mere mortal. So, you see, I know that the "fat joke" thing was not a shout-out to me from on high. I shall carry on in this half-lit mire until the time has come for my reward.
John finds Sydney in the Unisex, bending over the mirror to apply lipstick and to exhibit T and A. He tells her that he wants to call some of her employees to the stand. She asks whether he's jealous that Richard got to "suck on something." John protests that he isn't into those sorts of "unconventional antics." Sydney knows this. She can tell that John finds a simple kiss to be the biggest turn-on possible. They go on for way longer than my ulcer can handle, and then she pulls his head toward hers. His feet float a few inches off the floor. They kiss. Mercifully, the commercial comes on in time to distract me, and I'm able to keep from vomiting into my own lap. However, the commercial that comes on is the one in which Martha Stewart is conversing with the animated animals. After rinsing my clothes and putting them in the washer, I sit back down and -- damn, it's the perfume commercial with the scary model walking through the pool of gold. That's it -- no more recapping without a bucket at my side.
Nelle has taken Lisa to her office for a private meeting. They have a little heart-to-heart, not unlike the one Nelle had with the Barbra Streisand impersonator last week. I wonder whether Nelle is working her way back to John through in-kind emotional service with the firm's clients. She advises Lisa to sing her pain, if necessary, but to tone it down a little and refrain from musically harassing Buttons.
Richard and John are at Sydney's workplace. It's full of men. Sydney says, "Watch this," and struts into the middle of the throng. All the men swarm around her and, in case some of us aren't getting the analogy, a buzzing noise plays loudly over the funky music that has hitherto heralded all of Sydney's activity. Richard wants to buzz, too, but John won't let him.
Nelle and Jackson tell Rev. Newman and Buttons that Lisa should be allowed to continue singing at the church. Jackson explains that the sexual harassment law really is expanding. "Quagmire," pipes Buttons. "What?" says Nelle. "It's a legal quagmire," says Buttons, who is then rewarded for her aptitude by a confirmation from Nelle. If this case had any semblance to anything that ever occurs in the real world, and if I were working on it, I would find a parishioner willing to sue Lisa for having had a relationship with Rev. Newman in the first place. Fight ridiculous fire with ridiculous fire, is what I say. But my role in this fiery ridiculous case is passive, so I will keep my valuable legal counsel to myself.
Courtroom. One of Sydney's employees testifies that servicing Sydney is more emotionally healthy than busting ass for some corporate entity. He tells how he completed some project successfully and was given the opportunity to offer his spermatozoa to Queen Sydney. That was the one time he had sex with her. It's supposed to be funny, but of course it comes off nauseating instead.
In his church, Rev. Newman sermonizes about brothers and sisters distorting the law to get what they want instead of following His Law. Nelle and Jackson listen with trepidation. Lisa gets up and sings a song about feeling so blue. There ain't nothing she can say and nothing she can do. She has to make it right for everyone concerned, even if it's her what's gettin' burned. "I wish I didn't love you so!" her chorus says. I note that PaulW was right when he said in the forum that Jennifer Holliday makes some scary fucking faces when she sings. After several of said faces, Lisa shakes her head and then shakes her booty on down the aisle, out of the church, while the choir continues to sing.
Office. John carps that he's become a drone. Richard wisecracks that a synonym for "drone" is "husband." Sydney walks in and John does his girly scream. Sydney's just Reverbo-aching to find out what would happen if John lost control. Richard leaves the room and Sydney slams the door behind him. "Hi," she says to John in her special, sexy, reverberating, masculine voice. I think it would be more enticing if she made that noise that the Dodge Neons make on their commercials. You know -- they go "bling" and it says "Hi" on the screen below and you think, "Aw! How cute! I'm going to close down my 401K and buy one of those talking cars right now!" Well, I'd spend some money on Christine Lahti if she could make that noise and make the word "hi" appear in my mind.
Just kidding.
Nelle and Mrs. Parks enter the emptied church. "You talked to her ex-party," says Mrs. Parks. "The word is parte," Nelle replies. "It's Latin. Party is something you do with a balloon." "Ohhh...that's a fat, dumb joke combined," says Mrs. Parks. Lisa shows up and asks what Nelle wants. Nelle, in her super-ugly puce and white coat, kindly suggests that Lisa get counseling. She says that Lisa can cry and express pain, but not in the workplace. "Why?" hisses Lisa.
"Because, in the workplace, we have rules," says the lawyer for the plaintiff in Sydney's case, addressing the jury. He says that sexual expression is against the law when it becomes oppressive in the American workplace.
"Where's the law to protect me in my workplace?" asks Lisa. Nelle says that maybe Rev. Newman's dating Buttons will one day be illegal, but does Lisa really want that kind of protection from the law? It implies that she is weak.
The lawyer for the plaintiff says that the law is designed to protect the weak, and that Sydney preys on fragile men. John argues that not all sexually charged workplaces are illegal, especially those in which the employees comply with the sexual charging. Opposing counsel points out that if Sydney were a male "cultivating a little harem," her workplace would be declared illegal. John asks whether Sydney Gale, per se, is illegal for trading on her sexual attractiveness. "Do we live in a free country, or not?" he asks.
"...and what I'm trying to tell you...you're not free," Nelle tells Rev. Newman in her office. He is indignant. "When it comes to man-woman conduct in the workplace, the government has taken over. They make the rules." She goes on to say, "The government is telling you to be careful." That's right, people. Be careful. Be careful or the big, bad government will be bullied by all the weak, jealous, loud, fat women into taking away your American rights. Want to date someone in the workplace? Too bad. The jealous bitches won't let the government let you do what you want. As it stands, you're already losing your precious right to teach uppity bitch coworkers a lesson. If you're a male highway patrolman, Army officer, or Supreme Court judge, then you know what I mean. Gone are the days when you could jokingly tell a female co-worker to perform fellatio on you or to remove a pubic hair from your soda can without the hindrance of a time-consuming slap on the wrist from your superiors. These weak women are pushing things to extremes. We should thank the writers of Ally McBeal for showing us their horrifying vision of the very near future, so that we may be warned and change our erroneous ways before our glorious country is run into the ground by the likes of Mrs. Parks, who is fat and can't even pronounce Latin properly. "Quagmire," says Buttons. Someone give that lady a cracker.
"Oh, you just get better and better, John. I'd sure like to be in the room when you crest," says Sydney as she enters the one of the courthouse side rooms with John. He asks whether she ever gets tired of the sexy shtick. No, she never gets tired of the power it gives her, she says. She slobbers all over him and says she's obsessed. He tells her not to underestimate him because of his stature, because he's actually "a little engine" when he gets going. Sounds impressive. Is that like a golf cart? Then John says his power comes from resisting lust. I know people like that. They're powerful, but boring. "Love is alive, love is alive, yeah!" the scary woman chants. Yeah -- we know, okay? Sydney and John stare at each other in what is supposed to be a challenging way. Richard bursts in on this tête-a-jerk and Sydney says, "Just in time." It wasn't soon enough for me, though. She reaches near John's crotch, causing him to exhale loudly. I wish this series would hurry and get cancelled.
Just when I was seriously starting to worry about the fate of sexuality in the workplace under the Stars and Bars, the jury finds for Sydney Gale. Yee haw. I was afraid the actual law would prevail or something. Richard wants to celebrate with a little wine and a little toe. Sydney turns to John and lifts him by his neck again to receive her kiss. "Love is alive! Love is alive, yeah!" we hear for the zillionth time, but now it's leading into a scene at the bar.
"My heart is on fire. My soul's like a wheel that's turning," sing Vonda and her Taylor-Dayne-looking counterpart as viewers all over MBTV try to remember who sings that song. I guessed Peter Frampton or Steve Winwood, but I was wrong. G-force has confirmed that it's Gary Somebody-or-Other, and G-force would know. Vonda's Little Helper (the ending credits call her merely "Anastacia") looks like these $7 Barbie doll rip-offs that I used to get from the flea market. I have a couple on the bookshelf behind me. They both have long, over-processed hair and painted faces. They both wear cheap, funky clothes and glasses. I wonder if Anastacia was made in Mexico, too. While she sings, Sydney does The Dance of the Woolen Muffler with some guy on the dance floor. Jackson gawks. Ling and Nelle ostracize him. Richard and John watch Sydney and discuss the negative ramifications for mankind if all women were to explore their own sexual power. More and more men swarm around Sydney as the buzzing sound plays, just to be sure. Lesson learned: ladies, if we would just wear skanky dresses and tell strangers to lick us, we could all rule the world.
week: "the most emotional event of the season" occurs between Larry and Ally. I didn't catch what it was, exactly, though. week, when they tell us again, I'll try to have my solitaire game wrapped up ahead of time.