Okay, so I totally admit that I missed the very first segment of the show. See, I was still in a mind-blowing trance from the awesome hour of family-values-style entertainment that was 7th Heaven this week. So I missed the part about Ling seeing Jackson move in slow motion as everyone sped around him, and I missed the other chicks at the office telling her that she must be in love with Jackson. Luckily, though, they showed it all over the promos all last week, so I really didn't miss it at all. By the time I switched the tape in the VCR, the guest-star credits were rolling and Boston was day-lit and dirty. John was meeting a Mr. Stoller in his office.
Mr. Stoller's wife, Cindy, died the year before. He and Cindy never got to have the children they always wanted. Mr. Stoller regrets this so much that he wants to clone Cindy using the tissue, hair, and blood samples he saved from her corpse. John is visibly unnerved by this. Mr. Stoller says that Cindy's sister got wind of the scheme and cranked up an injunction against him for this very day. Mr. Stoller wants John to represent him during the injunction, seeing as how his sister-in-law's attorney is none other than Larry Paul. Mr. Stoller knows that Fish & Cage has battled against Larry before. I guess he reads the local law trades. John is uncomfortable, but intrigued by the thought of beating Larry in a case. You can tell this by the way he steeples his fingers under his chin.
Nelle's office. Nelle is tapping away at her laptop. We see the monitor, which displays some "Chat" software interface with which I'm not familiar. Sorry, but I'm not into the chatting and the instant messaging and all that. I prefer to conduct my cyber-relationships the old-fashioned way -- through plain email and alt.slashfic.gilligansisland. We see a tiny portion of Nelle's chat session. The frozen frame is grainy, but it seems to say:
Rapunzel: What if I told you I didn't really have long golden locks?
Lawdooser [or something]: You mean you're bald?:)
Nelle [in response window]: No. But what if I had just your [...]
That's all she types before Ling flounces in, wearing a black satin evening gown for no reason at all, along with another big fake flower choker neck decoration. Well, it's either a grayscale flower or a spider web on her neck. "Was that him?" she asks. Nelle affirms that it was. "Nelle, how can you really date a guy online?" Ling wants to know. Nelle, how can you really practice law while fucking off online? Nelle doesn't deny that what she's doing is dating. She points out that she and Lawdooser or whoever talk and laugh, and that he doesn't stink. I guess she means that she can't smell it if he does. Ling asks about the sexual component of the relationship. She doesn't think a woman can have control of a relationship without her "hand on the dumbstick." Nelle changes the subject to Jackson. Ling says that she's over that. Nelle asks whether Ling actually came into her office to hear about her "computer date." No, Ling came in to "borrow some products, but just forget it." She flounces out again and Nelle smiles as if their exchange was at all witty or pleasant.
In the lobby, Ling once again sees her officemates in fast motion as we hear the song they play at the circus during the tiger act. Then she sees Jackson moving in slow motion as that other famous song plays -- you know, the song that always plays when lovers run towards each other across a field. Sorry, but I don't know the names of these songs. I don't even understand how other people know them. How do you know? Do you buy the Famous Instrumentals collection from Time Life for $19.95 and then study the liner notes? Do your high-school bands print up half-time programs? I'm horribly sheltered. I wouldn't even know what "The Little Spanish Flea" was if it weren't for The Simpsons. The Wicked Witch song plays as Ling runs off. Elaine and Ally look on, and then John calls Ally to his office.
John wants Ally to give him tips on how to best Larry in court because, as he confides, his case is low on merits. After pretending to protest for a while, Ally tells him that "with Larry, it's all about rhythm." She explains that Larry's strength lies in his "fast patter." John shows appreciation for this treachery.
In his office, Richard watches a video featuring Cindy Margolis. I'm guessing it's a slow day for the firm. Cindy is saying, "You're watching In Your Dreams, with me, Cindy Margolis. Michelle Garris is an aspiring actress who emailed my website, asking for advice on how to break into Tinseltown." Richard smiles as he watches, but I think it's because he's pleased by Cindy's cleavage and not because he's amused by "emailed my website." Ling struts in, turns off the TV, throws her weirdly stocking-ed leg in front of Richard's face, and coos, "Do my knee. Just do...it." Richard blows on his fingers to prep, but then says, "No! I won't be used." Pushing his face into her bosom, Ling says, "You do my knee, and I'll give you hair." I think she meant that she would fondle his head. "Ow...you're pinching my spinal...my spinal cord," Richard mutters into her chest before she roughly shoves his head away and stands up. She angrily tells him that they're fated to be together, and that they shouldn't deny it. "Oh, you don't like denial? Big fan of honesty?" Richard asks. "Excellent. Let's be honest with each other." Ling says, "Gotta go..." Richard lays it on the line. He had fun in L.A., and Ling can't stop thinking about Jackson. He points out that ever since Jackson was hired, Ling has been shaving her legs in the morning instead of at night. He tells her, "Go to Jackson. He's the man you lather up for." I titter a little. I think this show can survive the loss of Robert Downey Jr. if they utilize more Richard/Ling banter and less Ally/John whining.
Courtroom. Larry is dressed like a clown as he tries to address Judge Seymore Walsh. He's wearing a black pinstripe suit with a large-check red gingham shirt and a black and white polka-dotted tie. John interrupts Larry as much as possible, flustering him. Judge Walsh adjourns until the day. "I'm not to be tampered with, Larry," John advises. John was sort of funny in this scene, for once. Maybe he hired an image consultant.
Ally's apartment at night. Renee wears her hair in ugly, raggedy ponytails and tries not to be bitter about Jackson's dumping her for Ling. Larry walks in and Ally stops caring about Renee's problems. Larry finds out that Ally gave John advice on how to beat him in court. "You're giving him tips on how to beat somebody you can't even beat yourself," says Larry. Dang! Ally got pimped! She has to get out the 'hood! Her mama works at McDonald's! Cutesy banter ensues, then Larry and Ally end up betting on who will win the case. The winner is once again entitled to a two-hour foot-rub. "As thou speaketh, my feet itcheth," Larry says. Heh. That scene was sort of funny, too. What's wrong with me? Who put this crack pipe in my hand?
Back at the office, John is "aghast" by the fact that Ally revealed his strategy to Larry. To play off her fuck-up, Ally bends the truth and claims that Larry said that John could never beat him in any case. The Bells of John's Vicious Determination toll as he pledges to win the case and thus help Ally win her bet.
Lobby. Nelle is sporting big retro pearls and this pseudo-Chanel black and white windowpane tweed coat with wide bias piping that would have looked nice if it were waist-length instead of down to her knees like a "duster," which is one of the ugliest words in the fashion lexicon, if you ask me. Meanwhile, Ling models another cocktail dress. She tells Nelle that online dating sounds kind of cool. Okay, I'm just gonna come right out and ask: Who the hell ever uses the term "online dating"? Ling is intrigued aloud by the thought of "online dating" a guy in Paris. Nelle suggests that Ling's just trying to run away from her feelings for Jackson, then hauls her spoiled-by-the-length coat out of there. comes the scene that would have been super-funny if I hadn't already seen it ninety times on the promos. Larry comes out of the elevator in slow motion as Ling watches in amazement. Then he turns to her and says, "How was I?" Ha! "Very funny," says Ling sourly. Yeah, I thought so, too. Too bad Robert Downey Jr. had to get fired, huh?
Ally and John walk up and wonder what Larry's doing there. Larry thought he'd walk John to court, since they're on the same case and all. John uptightly accuses Larry of one-upmanship and psyche-fiddling. Ally smirks, plays with her nose, and looks tired as John runs off in a huff.
Ling tries to be casual as she walks into Jackson's office and asks him to lunch. He would love to have lunch, but he's booked until the week. "Great," Ling says faintly. He says he'll have his assistant set it up. His assistant? Who the hell is that? The Wicked Witch music plays Ling out the door.
Courtroom. Mr. Stoller testifies that his wife Cindy would have wanted him to clone her. John and Larry pick on each other as much as possible. Mr. Stoller's attitude is rather wooden, so I guess we're not supposed to care about his feelings. The actor playing him looks familiar, but I refrain from rewinding the tape, re-reading the credits, getting online, and searching for this guy's name. I had a long week at work and I was late starting on this recap. Then I danced at a Tejano gay bar until it closed, then laughed with my friends until 5 AM at House of Pies. Then I went to bed. Then I woke up and got a ride to my friend's house, where I'd left my car when it wouldn't start the night before. I still couldn't get the car to start. I got a ride back home. I'm hurrying to finish this recap for you, my loyal readers. I figure you care more about having the recap on your screens than you do about the name of the actor playing Mr. Stoller. Also, I figure you wouldn't want me to miss my ride to the karaoke bar tonight. So I know you'll understand why I'm not looking for actors' names on the IMDb this week. You do understand, don't you? ["I do! I rushed through posting another recap this afternoon so I could go see Memento with my husband and parents. Priorities, people." -- Wing Chun] Larry assesses that Cindy was against genetic manipulation of plants and chickens. John jumps up and objects, yelling that not everything is like chicken. No, it's true. Not everything is like chicken. Life is not like chicken, sometimes. Sometimes it's more like a margarita and a country breakfast at 5 AM.
Fish & Cage. Ally bitches at John for doing poorly on the case. John's excuse is that he can no longer summon his last-season hallucinations of Barry White. He says that "maybe Melanie scared [Barry White] off." Mark walks in and asks what's going on. Ally tells him, to John's chagrin. "John, I'm sorry, man," says Mark. It's obvious from his facial expression that he really is sorry -- sorry to be relegated to the tertiary role in such a lame, rehashed subplot. Ally does her unfunnily hysterical shtick, shrilly telling John to find Barry White so that she won't have to rub Larry's smelly feet again. Maybe the smell of the feet will be the means of writing Larry Paul off the show.
Unisex. John beckons into the mirror and murmurs, "Come on. Hey, we've got it together, baby. We've really..." He yells in frustration as Mark hurries in, his hair looking like that of a Starsky and Hutch ne'er-do-well. "Nothing?" he asks, as if he has any reason to give a shit about John's schizophrenic delusions. John asks Mark for some privacy, but that doesn't make Barry White emerge, either.
Courtroom. A nelly yet nerdy scientist explains the cloning process, twice describing it as fascinating. Larry jumps up and asks for clarification on whether the testimony has yet begun to be fascinating. John objects to the "one-upsmanship" and calls Larry an ombudsman. He starts to define the word for us but then moves on with his questioning. I look up the word in my dictionary, thinking, "Isn't that some sort of bureaucrat?" American Heritage Dictionary tells me, "No, Gwen, an ombudsman is a government official, esp. in Scandinavian countries, who investigates citizen's complaints again the government or its functionaries. It can also be a person who assists in achieving fair settlements to resolve consumer complaints." I say, "Hmm." The dictionary and I just decide to let it go. Larry interrupts the scientist's testimony by yelling "A bug zapper!" John objects. Judge Walsh, endlessly put-upon, tells them that there's no jury there and that they're both losing points with him. I would be sad if my lawyers cared more about being sarcastic to each other than about winning my case. We learn that cloning humans is possible, although a long shot and not yet practiced in the public sphere.
Unisex. Mark and Ling are primping at the sinks. Jackson walks in and greets them both. "Oh, drop dead," says Ling. "If you've anything to say, have your assistant call mine. I don't even see you in slow motion anymore, you lying little weasel." Jackson looks very slightly taken aback. "I still see you in slow motion," offers Mark. Jackson furrows his brow at Mark, who then amends, "Some of the time," and walks off. I don't know what that was about, and Mark's hair looks like shit, but I still love him. Jackson checks the stalls for feet. Richard suddenly emerges from a stall, hitting Jackson with the door. Ling runs up and plants a kiss on Richard, then throws her leg over his shoulder. "Stubble," she says. "Excellent," replies Richard, who then leaves. Ling tells Jackson why she's mad. "I threw myself at you and you completely blew me off." Jackson acts like he doesn't know what she's talking about. He didn't think the lunch offer was a big deal. Well, I do. After all the stuff that went down between the two of them, Ling's asking him to lunch was a major overture. Any man who can't pick up on that doesn't deserve a relationship, in my mind. Jackson tries to excuse himself by comparing lunch to his declaration of love from the week before. Ling tells him, "Yippee. Anybody can share a stupid feeling. There's an unlimited supply. You only get five lunches a week. And don't stare at me like I'm crazy. You're the one turning all this down." The closed-captioning reminds me that the Wicked Witch song is called "Miss Gulch Theme" as Ling sashays out of the restroom. She and Jackson still don't have any chemistry, but I appreciate his acting as the catalyst for all her sassy lines this week.
In his office, John looks into the mirror and badgers The Essence of Barry White some more: "Come on! You're on the back nine of your career, dammit. What else do you really have to do?" That brings up a bass vamp and an "oh, yeah" from the man himself. John dances like a giant condor, and I notice that his teeth are looking less healthy than usual. I hope it's not because he's inducing vomiting to facilitate weight loss. That's bad for your teeth, y'all. We see that Richard's sitting there watching. "This is why I start every day with a bran muffin, John," he says. "Barry White came!" John bellows. "Forgive me if I don't try to envision that," says Richard. John complains that he can no longer summon Barry White's imaginary presence in front of others. "John, lots of people have trouble dancing with make-believe disco behemoths when there are others present," says Richard. HA! Okay -- for real, now -- was there a new writer on this ep? I'm thinking there must have been. Richard gives one of his anti-pep-talks, causing John to leave the room in exasperation. Then he tells himself in the mirror, "People skills. That's why I'm in charge." Then he zips up his undone fly. Oh, funny Richard -- you've come back to us.
Courtroom. Dead Cindy's sister calls her cloning "voodoo science." She's upset, which makes it extra rude when John hits a buzzer. He claims that he's losing his voice and therefore has to buzz his objections. Cindy's sister testifies that Cindy never would have wanted to be cloned.
Lobby. Elaine is asking to borrow Ally's computer for her first "meaningful conversation" with a guy in Brazil that she emailed. Ally gives grudging permission. Elaine kisses her on the lips and happily runs off. John gets off the elevator and tells Ally not to pressure him about his case. He's going in search of Barry White. "When I return, I will have the bastard -- hell or high water," says John. Golly. That's not a very nice way to talk about Barry White after he made a cameo appearance and everything. Mark walks by and says his insignificant last line of the hour. Larry shows up and ribs Ally about his aching feet. She acts like she believes she'll still win the bet.
Ally opens her office door and gasps in shock and horror. Elaine is lying on her stomach on Ally's desk, looking at a laptop, totally nude. A vase and some books hide her buttocks and torso. She's wearing four-inch stiletto heels that look about two sizes too big for her. "One thing led to another," she says, putting her thumbnail to her mouth. How insouciant. How very sweeps.
Unisex. Jackson apologizes to Ling, then checks the stalls and gets hit by Richard's door again. "Déjà vu bygones," says Richard, before leaving. Ling says that she's been angry with herself for having the one-night stand with Jackson, and for still giving a crap about him now. He suggests that they start over. She answers ambiguously and runs out of the restroom. Larry walks in, and the two men greet each other with mock joviality. We hear the opening bars of Barry White's "You're My Everything." Jackson and Larry act as if they hear it or sense it, too. John comes in and starts bobbing in front of the mirror. I do not at all want to laugh at the scene that follows, and yet I do.
Larry [standing to Jackson, both of them watching John]: What are your thoughts, Jackson?
Jackson: Oh, I was just going to ask you the same thing, Larry.
Barry White [as John gets more into his moves]: We got it together, didn't we? We've definitely got our thing together.
Larry: He's on to something there, Jackson.
Jackson: Oh, yes he is, Larry.
Barry White: Nobody but you...and me.
Jackson: He's a funny little man, isn't he?
Larry: Yes, he is.
Jackson: Well, I can get with that.
Larry [indicating John's moves]: What -- that there?
Jackson: It's not a problem for me. You?
Larry: Not at all.
Jackson: Shall we?
Larry: Let's.
The three men fall in line and start doing John's stupid condor dance and other, even stupider dances. Like I said -- I didn't want to laugh. Taye Diggs and RDJ cracked me up with their facial expressions, though. The scene's shark is jumped when Ally comes in and husks, "It's about time." Then the dancing becomes too silly, and I roll my eyes into the scene.
Courtroom. John gives a supposed-to-be-good closing about the fear of the unknown when it comes to cloning. He throws out the old cloning-a-heart-and-saving-a-life chestnut. Larry takes off his glasses for full effect; he talks about the ethics of cloning the dead and asks where we draw the line. He says something about fathering Barry White's twin brother, and John is totally pimped. Judge Walsh rules against John's client, even though Larry's tie is ugly as hell. After it's all over, Larry tells John, "I don't want a rematch," and shakes his hand. Aww...whatever.
Song Montage. Vonda sings "Only You." Her singing still annoys me after all these years. Jackson walks up to Ling at The Bar's bar and asks if she goes there often. She laughs at his terrible opening line and then they dance. Larry checks his email on his laptop while Ally rubs his feet, looking alternately disgusted and smirky. Jackson and Ling dance some more.
The Sidewalk. The song montage which usually wraps up the show is brusquely cast aside as Richard asks John whether he wants to go to The Bar. John wants to go home and be alone with Barry. Richard excuses the insanity, expressing jealousy over John's ability to "conjure something up when the real world disappoints." Talk about your déjà-vu bygones, huh? John should have said, "Why, that's exactly what I told Ally when she was hallucinating Al Green last season. Or maybe someone else told her that. I don't know -- the themes on this show are so repetitive that I forget." Richard and John do the Stayin' Alive strut down the sidewalk, forcing me to give this episode a grade of C+ instead of B as the screen fades to black.
week: Ally whines about her birthday. Sting, Paul Reubens, Cheri Oteri, and Cindy Margolis do cameos.