Larry's chugging Coke in front of Ally's open refrigerator when Jackson walks up all shirtless and wet as if he just had sex with Renee and was too rude to towel off before walking through the public areas of the apartment. Jackson informs us that he's "a little parched." Shut up, Jackson. Larry steps aside so that he can pull a huge water bottle out of the refrigerator, neither of them mindful of the fact that electricity costs money. Or maybe they are mindful, but they don't care because Ally and Renee are their sugar mamas. Or maybe lawyers just don't have to care because they make so much money. But, then again, it seems like if they made that much money, they could afford to rent two separate apartments. So I don't know. It's a mystery to me. Larry does some convulsive-looking movement with his stomach, prompting curiosity from Jackson. Larry explains that he's doing "torso flexes" so that he can look more like Jackson. Then he does a mocking imitation of Jackson's walk. Ally comes in and pulls her "break it up, you two" routine, which is always annoying. Shut up and let them fight, Ally. It's one of the few things holding the show together. Jackson and his wet torso chug at the water bottle, capturing Ally's intense attention. He rubs at his own skin for no reason at all. Take a shower, Jackson. Ally does a chopping-motion with her teeth. It's not pretty. It's so not pretty, it makes me want to kick her in the head. She stares and does her physical non-comedy while Larry drags her away. The she comes back for a second look. I could be wrong, but in my experience, most women are able to control their physical reactions to good-looking people. It's not like Jackson's supernaturally hot, either. His arrogant attitude knocks several points off his taut abs, if you ask me.
Morning meeting. John plays with his ears as Richard assigns a case to Ally. Client Douglas McGrath is being sued by a woman he met online. She was disappointed by his looks after meeting him face-to-face, and decided to sue him for fraud. Ally moans about taking this case because she's used to using the office just as a place to conduct relationships and not to do actual work or anything. Jackson announces that he's defending one Michael Something-man, who is being sued for ruining his ex-girlfriend's wedding. Jackson needs back-up. Richard asks around. Everyone moans, because they're all lazy bastards. Of course, Ling ends up being the one to partner Jackson, so that they can continue their boring, chemistry-less plotline. Elaine comes in to announce that Cassandra "Bernadette Peters" Lewis is there. John expresses surprise. Nelle asks who Cassandra Lewis is, as if she would be jealous over a jerkrod like John. Richard explains that she's John's "L.A. wattle."
John's office. Cassandra informs John, in her ever-changing but always weird voice, that life is short and that she's in Boston to pursue him. He agrees to take her to lunch. Life must be short and desperate.
Courthouse. We find out that Larry and Ally are up against each other in the online-date case. They trade banter and then make a wager -- the case winner gets a two-hour foot rub from the loser. At first I'm thinking that this will be interesting. Will Ally win? We all know Larry's the better attorney, but she's the character after whom the show is named. Plus, the whole show is her hallucination. How could she lose? I'm thinking all this, and then Ally's client shows up, and he's...he's...he's a "little person." I roll my eyes and slump back into my chair. Ally does her trademark phony giggle of discomfort. I don't dare comment on the heinousness of this subplot because I'd hate for someone to get on the forum and accuse me of making fun of tall people.
Conference room. Jackson, Ling, and their client Michael listen to Sylvie, the plaintiff, ranting about how Michael ruined her wedding. Michael was Sylvie's ex-boyfriend and still-close friend, so she invited him to her wedding. When the minister asked if there were any objections, Michael yelled, "Stop." The plaintiff was "horrified." She says this several times and Jackson mocks her. Ling applies lipstick and ignores the proceedings. Sylvie is rather amusing in her self-righteous anger, so of course this is one of the few times we'll see her. "It went off with a hitch, and I am damaged. Look at me!" she screams. Michael, who'd been sympathetically doleful up to this point, looks at Sylvie and smiles. I actually liked this scene. I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my neighbors are smoking marijuana on the balcony outside my window. Did I mention that the boring "I'm not comfortable" lawyer is representing Sylvie? No, that's right...I didn't. Good. That's the way I planned it.
John bitches to Richard that he's worried by Cassandra's pursuit of him. Cassandra walks in and John screams. Before leaving the room, Richard fingers Cassandra's wattle and then smells whatever he got from it. Left alone, Cassandra and John have a dull conversation about Melanie and relationship mourning periods. John offers once again to go to lunch.
Courtroom. Melanie testifies that she joined an online dating service because she wanted to find a man who didn't care about looks. She and Douglas emailed each other for six months because they were in love, doing all the things that in-love people do such as liking the same books and cracking jokes and stuff. Then she met him and found out that he was a "little person," and though she knows it's not politically correct, she doesn't want to be with him because of that. She's suing him because she quit her job and spent a lot of money to move from Illinois to Boston in order to be with him. As Ally cross-examines, my closed-captioning calls her "Ms. Meal" instead of Ms. McBeal. Melanie goes on and on about how she and Douglas had planned to walk in through the Boston Common in the spring, holding hands as "two anonymous people in love." Now that she knows he's three feet tall, however, there ain't gonna be no walks in no park. Ally Meal pauses her questioning so that everyone can register their expressions of sympathy. Then she asks whether Melanie even tried going on a date or two with Douglas after meeting him IRL. (In Real Life. See? I'm down with the online-dating lingo. I'm a hep cat.) "No. I could never," Melanie solemnly declares. We see the jury's sympathetic chagrin and the little guy's expression of "I'm not only heartbroken, I'm totally humiliated, too."
Anonymous courthouse room. Ally meets with Douglas and advises him to settle for $10,000. He refuses, saying that he's being sued for "being a little person." I notice that Ally's hair has gotten longer and that it's been combed. Douglas gives us his sob story about how his little father told him that no normal-sized woman would ever love him. This is a lot like Gilbert "Fat, Bald" Richguy's speech in the last episode. However, this one is more obvious in its expression of the Kelley American dream, which is that all men, no matter what they look like, deserve a conventionally attractive female mate. Notice that Gilbert pined for a thin woman, and Douglas hopes for a woman of "normal" size. Would Douglas ever date a dwarf? Could Gilbert be happy with a fat (or bald) woman? Those questions don't even make sense in the context of this show, do they? Maybe I'm wrong, though. Maybe week we'll have an episode in which a fat woman sighs because she wants love with a glossy thin woman like everyone else. Then everything will become a blur and my head will swirl too hard for me to complain anymore.
Conference room. Jackson, Ling, their client, and their opponents babble. The scene ends with Michael declaring his undying love for Sylvie. That's the only part you need to know about, because that's the impetus for Jackson's incongruous actions later. Bye, Sylvie. Hope you go on to better bit parts.
The Restaurant. John and Cassandra have lunch. She throws herself at him and he runs through his repetoire of shocked and prissy facial expressions.
Courtroom. Douglas testifies that he purposely refrained from telling Melanie about his stature because he was afraid that she wouldn't come to Boston if she knew. Larry starts his cross-examination by asking for permission to use Douglas's first name. Ally objects, saying that her client doesn't have to accept informality just because he's small. Larry raises his eyebrows at this hardball tactic and goes on with his questioning. Ally objects right and left. Judge Walsh overrules. Larry's questions reiterate the same things we learned from Ally's. The oboe is sad because it knows Douglas is going to lose the case and that it's probably more because of his mid-'80s, thirtysomething-epoch hairstyle than his height.
Ally's apartment. Ally whines to Larry about his alleged bullying of Douglas during the case. She gets all pissy and Larry calmly needles her. "What kind of woman locates love on physical appearance?" Ally asks. I guess she means that she wants to know what kind of woman bases love on physical appearance. She asks whether Larry would have fallen for her if she were "a midget." Larry turns the question around on her. Ally claims she's not big on looks. Larry remarks on her neurotic obsession with her own looks. Ally counters by informing him that she won't sleep with him that evening. Larry acts sad, as if he's missing out on some big treat. Ally sarcastically supposes aloud that Larry will still love her when she's old, wrinkled, and gray. "No," he says. "I'll still love you -- you'll be tall." Don't forget those perfectly contoured buttocks, Larry.
This show makes love seem so complicated. It's a good thing I'm a fat woman and I'll never have to worry about it.
Fish & Cage lobby. Ally and Douglas come off the elevator. "Look, Nelle, it's a midget," says Ling. Douglas looks pained. Ally gives Ling a dirty look and icily says, "My grandfather once told me that you could measure the dignity of a person by how able he is to see the dignity in others." Ooh! Stone-cold putdown! Ouch, that's gotta leave a mark! Not. Ling says, "I don't get it." Then her prey leaves and she asks Nelle, "Was it a riddle?" Nelle chooses this time to reveal that she's been having an online relationship, herself. Ling scolds Nelle, who should know that looks are everything. Nelle says that she knows, but she doesn't like sex, so the online thing is working out for her. Jackson walks up and tells Ling that he wants to try to settle their case. Ling expresses concern for his emotional well-being and then entices him: "There's a midget in Ally's office!" Jackson doesn't respond to this other than to ask for a moment alone with Ling.
Somebody's office. "I'm in love with you. I broke off my engagement...because of you. I came to work here in part because of you," Jackson tells Ling. After hearing Michael's declaration of love, Jackson had a revelation that he must reveal.
Jackson: It hit me. It's you. And I can't not be out with that. [Whatever the hell that means.]
Ling: You're with Renee.
Jackson: Is that the obstacle? Because...
Ling: No, no...
Jackson: Well, then, why did you sleep with me...that night? Because that was so not your personality. You were passionate...and reckless...and...
Ling: Jackson! What I felt for you that night...I don't feel now.
[tense stares]
Jackson: I don't believe you.
[uncomfortable stares]
Ling: Yeah, yeah, I...I don't [head scratch] have time for this.
Ling ushers herself out of the room, leaving us all to not care.
The hole in the stall. John complains to Richard that women find him irresistible lately. "You're a rich, powerful man with feelings. How many men do you know like that besides me?" asks Richard. "There's the age difference...there's the geographical..." says John. I wonder why he's worried about the age difference. Doesn't he always date women at least ten years younger than himself? John mentions Melanie, and Richard promptly disses her. Richard then goes on to list the advantages of a long-distance relationship with Cassandra. "Older women? Smarter. Sexier. Better," he says. Okay...so...Cassandra's supposed to be older than John? I can't even say "whatever" to that because I've said it so many times that it's no longer strong enough. ["Someone posted on the forums that Bernadette Peters is actually fifty-three years old. So that would make her at least a little older than John MacNicol." -- Wing Chun] "If you don't want her, can I take a shot?" Richard asks. John sputters, and Richard perseveres. It seems like Richard's sneakily trying to force John's hand in classical sitcom fashion, but later we find out that he's just being a jerk, after all.
Courtroom. Ally asks, in her closing argument, "But did he defraud her?" The jury answers "yes," in chorus. Ally objects and Judge Walsh admonishes them. She goes on to say, "He then got sued, under the theory that it was unreasonable for any woman to fall in love with a man like him. Now, did you consider that?" The jury says no. I'm not sure what the point was. No, they didn't consider that, or no, they don't think it's unreasonable? Judge Walsh yells at them not to answer the lawyer's questions. Ally asks them to imagine a woman being cruel enough to reject a man for being tiny. Then she asks them to imagine the same woman "going out and finding herself a sleazy lawyer to ask the jury to give her money." I guess that's as good a closing argument as she's ever made. Larry reiterates the facts in his Authentic Lawyer cadence. "You don't get to defraud people just because you're short," he finishes, with the oboe at his side. That's it. The oboe called the verdict.
Ling's office. Jackson walks in and informs Ling that their client has settled his case. Let me, once again, transcribe their dialogue so that you all can help me figure out what the hell's going on with these two.
Ling: So it's over. I can shop.
Jackson: Yeah. Listen, um, ahem...I pride myself on being a pretty good barometer as far as people's feelings are concerned so you can understand if I'm a bit, um, confused.
Ling [rising to leave]: Let's leave it at that. You're confused.
Jackson: Yeah, I apologized last time for imposing my desires. But this time I don't.
And that's that. What last time? What feelings? Who cares, right? Jackson exits and Nelle enters. She remarks on the "weird chemical thing" she's been picking up on between Ling and Jackson. She asks what happened "that night." I assume she means the night Ling and Jackson had their one-night stand a long, long time ago, when Ling didn't even know Jackson's real name. Ling dramatically tells us that she "lost control." Nelle opines that losing control isn't really a reason to run from a man. Ling says, "Thank you, dear Blonde Abby, whose ideal man is online." Ooh, putdown! Wait...What color is Abigail VanBuren's wig, again?
The Bar. Vonda's singing with that constrained larynx of hers. Renee and Ally sit at a table and discuss the fact that Jackson's been pulling away from Renee. Cassandra sits alone until Richard walks up and starts with the wattle-fondling. She tries to give him the brush-off, but Richard informs her that John has given him the green light to hit on her. John walks up and asks what he missed. "Just this," says Cassandra, before giving John one of those girly socks in the face that looks really ineffective yet somehow manages to knock its victim to the ground. She stalks off, and Richard says, "Oh, buddy...What'd you say?"
The morning, at Ally's apartment. Renee tells Ally that Jackson dumped her. Larry walks in and Ally asks him to beat up Jackson. Renee baby-voices, "Ally, stay out of it." Ally ignores her request and humiliates Renee by rehashing the situation in front of Larry. She practically bellows, "He was using you, Renee!" Then Renee is forced to admit that she wasn't using Jackson. Tough luck, Renee. Concentrate on making real friends first, and then maybe you can find a boyfriend who isn't an asshole.
Cassandra's hotel room. John knocks on the door with a big old phony black eye. Cassandra tells him, "Oh, my. If I'd known how even I'd gotten, I would have taken your phone calls." Huh? Whatever. I guess physical violence is supposed to be cute now. John starts to explain Richard's action. "Fine. You can go," she tells him. They babble about long-distance relationships and uncertainty. Their conversation makes no sense and resolves nothing. Cassandra tells John to help her with her luggage, not a moment to freaking soon for me.
Ling stomps through the Fish & Cage lobby as the Wicked Witch of the West or Wherever theme plays. She greets Richard in the Unisex and asks him if he thinks about picking up where they left off. Richard acts nonchalant as he tells her that they are emotional guppies and soulmates, and that they're bound to get back together one day. Then he leaves Ling looking thoughtfully smirky.
The jury orders Douglas to pay $70,000 in damages. Ally apologizes to him and pretends to be sympathetic. She tells him that he will find somebody. He follows through with his promise to walk out of the courtroom with his head held high. The touchingly proud piano plays while Ally and Larry watch him go. Later, freak! Guess you gotta hook up with a fat bitch! Loser!
My neighbors stand on the balcony and make up their own rap songs while John and Cassandra pratter on the sidewalk. Shut up, all five of you! "Am I totally so irresistible?" John asks. Bernadette Peters is paid to say that he is. Blech. "Most men so forget how to be soft," she tacks on. God. Shut up. They kiss goodbye. I fantasize about throwing eggs or blow-gun darts at them, and at the neighbor who laughs like the stupid vulture from the Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Vonda sings a decent enough song about living without love. We see Ling spying on Jackson. Then Ally massages Larry's strangely hairless-looking feet while Renee watches and broods with her cleavage like boiled eggs. Nelle kicks back with a huge glass of wine and her laptop, smiling at something on the screen. Douglas Ally-McBeals down the sidewalk. I actually feel kind of sad for him. The song playing is pleasantly sad and he looks so hopelessly hopeful. And his suit is so tiny. I think about the trouble he must go through to have his suits made and I sort of want to cry. Cassandra clutches her shawl and stares at the view from her hotel balcony. John trudges down the sidewalk with a murderous glare on his face.