Previously on Ally McBeal: Ally touched Jackson's penis, Elaine professed her commitment to a monogamous relationship with Mark, and Richard and John went to L.A.
It's night in Boston as Vonda sings that "This is dedicated to the one I love" song in a way that would surely get me yelled at if I tried to pull that crap with my voice teacher. Larry and Ally walk down the sidewalk and have a not-cutesy argument about redecorating Ally's apartment. Ally says men don't decorate. Larry mentions Sears like the producers told him to when Sears cut the check. Sorry, but Sears is not the store you mention when you want to convince someone that you're worthy of decorating an apartment. Another thing -- doesn't Renee still live in this same apartment, as well? Maybe she doesn't get a say in the interior design because her breasts are decoration enough. Maybe when they signed the lease, Ally said, "Okay, you bring your bed and your boobs. I get to pick out everything else, including the extra roommates." Ally and Larry suddenly see Elaine and some guy making out outside a brownstone door. Then Elaine yanks the guy into what is apparently her place of residence and Ally says, "What the hell?" Do they have dwellings that aren't brownstones in Boston? Do the special elevator- and bathroom-stall-apartments count?
The commercials come on and remind me NOT to see Someone Like You for fear of being irritated by the unappealing characters and Ashley Judd's chiseled inner thighs. That's what she has -- chiseled inner thighs. Contrary to what the director, editor, and cinematographer of Someone Like You must believe, chiseled inner thighs aren't very enticing at all.
Now it's daytime in Boston. Morning meeting: Richard welcomes John and himself back from vacation. Nelle asks, "How was L.A.? Did you find what you were looking for?" John mutters, "Yes -- people with warmth. It was a culture shock, you snippy-ass Popsicle." Nelle says nothing. Ally says, "John," but with a smirk on her face. Ten minutes in and the show's already pissing me off. I can't even imagine anyone acting like that in a staff meeting -- especially not one of the company owners. I can't imagine myself sitting at a table and smirking while one coworker blatantly verbally abused another. If the writers have any snap at all (and I'm not saying this hopefully,) they will have Nelle sue John for sexual harassment this season. Then they can spice it up by having Ally feel conflicted between her hatred of Nelle and her sense of what the hell is right and wrong. Then Nelle can win, take over John's share of the firm, and hire lots of hot guys. DO YOU HEAR ME, DAVID E. KELLEY? STOP WAVING AROUND YOUR PRINTOUT OF THIS RECAP WHILE TELLING YOUR ASSISSTANT THAT YOU NEED MORE EPISODES ABOUT FAT PEOPLE BEING LOSERS. READ THIS PARAGRAPH AND TAKE MY IDEA FOR FREE. John says that Nelle called him an imbecile. Ally says that she didn't. John says that she implied it, that her put-downs are tonal, and that he doesn't have to take it. He does this while calling her more silly names. Everyone is silent until he tells Richard to move on. What a bunch of chicken-shit punks.
The meeting continues. Richard informs us that Gilbert Breen, longtime client, is coming into Fish & Cage to update his will before getting married. Richard tells Jackson, who's handling Mr. Breen, that the client is "fat, bald, rich" and that his fiancée is beautiful. "Just to be safe -- pre-nup," says Richard, while Ally looks thoughtful. up, Ling's representing Thompson Shipping. Mr. Thompson's son is trying to have his father declared too incompetent to run the company. Why? Because Mr. Thompson is too happy. This pisses off John, who snivels, "That is bloody rich," as his employees look on silently. Shut the fuck up, John. For the love of all that is televised, please shut the fuck up. Didn't this man just take a vacation? Someone, please shove his ass out the window.
Ally accosts Elaine in the lobby, putting her arm, chin, and spiral-waved hair all over Elaine's shoulders. Ally says that she saw Elaine making out with the Other Guy the night before. Elaine explains that she "slipped." She babbles out all the circumstances, which don't really excuse what she did at all. Ally stands there looking high, mighty, and full of collarbones.
Still in the lobby, John apologizes to Nelle and explains that he's been in a bad mood because he misses Melanie. "I understand," Nelle tells him. "And if there's anything I can do" Here I'm gleefully expecting her to tell his ass off, but instead she just says, "Poop," and gives him a dirty look. Whatever.
Meanwhile, Jackson is meeting with Breen and Fiancée on the other side of the lobby. He suggests a pre-nuptial agreement but Mr. Breen blows it off. Jackson calls Ally over and tells her to get a list of beneficiaries from the fiancée so that he can take Breen aside and convince him to pay for the pre-nup. Mr. Breen is a little on the chunk-style side and doesn't have a lot of hair on top, but he's well groomed and has a pleasant facial expression. The fiancée is thin and also well groomed, but not much prettier than average. I don't see what the big deal is.
In court, the Thompson son testifies that his father used to be ruthless. Then he was conked on the head, developed a brain clot, and now one of his glands produces an abnormal amount of a euphoria-inducing hormone. Whatever. Thompson Son says that the company stock has dropped since Thompson Dad got all happy and started paying for employee benefits all over the place. Thompson Dad could be "cured" with a simple medical procedure, but he refuses. Ling asserts that Thompson Dad is competent enough to care for himself and his wife. From Thompson Son's frustrated response, we're supposed to glean that he cares more about money than his own father's happiness. I don't care enough about these characters to do any gleaning, though.
In an office that looks like all the others, Gilbert Breen frets about the lack of trust he shows by filing a pre-nup. Jackson smooth talks him. Jackson's lavender tie is lame.
Ally and Julie the Fiancée walk into the F&C lobby, chatting about the fact that Julie and Gilbert have a love of skiing in common. How very interesting. Elaine walks up with a huge bouquet of roses that was obviously arranged by the same person who did the flowers that Ally got from George or Michael earlier this season. I recognize the style. Nice job, staff florist! Elaine wants Ally to hide the flowers for her. Mark walks up and assumes that the flowers are for Ally, from Larry. Larry walks in right on cue, holding a tissue to his chin in a chin-touching homage to his girlfriend. Elaine plays the whole thing off, fooling Mark for the moment.
Ally and Julie meet Gilbert and Jackson, and Jackson tells Julie that he's just going to draw up a "standard, boilerplate provision" of a pre-nuptial agreement. Ally purses her lips irritatingly and Larry's ears swivel towards the group. Then Ally butts in, saying that Julie needs representation of her own. She implies that the firm needs this precaution for ethical or liability reasons. Then she hauls Larry over and basically hires him on Julie's behalf. Jackson is annoyed. "Excuse me? Excuse me?" he says. Gilbert and Julie walk off innocently and snuggle in the elevator. "What the hell was that?" Jackson says. Ally dabs at Larry's chin and replies that she was just making sure things were "on the up-and-up." Where are your brave ethics when your friend John is abusing Nelle for everyone's amusement, Ally?
We're still in the lobby and Richard is upset to hear about Ally's intrusion on Jackson's case. Ally blows him off and goes over to confront Elaine. Mark walks up and asks if they're talking about the guy Elaine had dinner with the other night. Elaine denies the dinner with the guy. Mark says that a "buddy" of his saw the two of them. Small freaking world, huh? Elaine says that she was with Ally that night. Then she and Ally pretend to have cramps and leave. Whatever. Mark looks suspicious yet sort of sexy.
Courtroom. Thompson Daddy testifies that he hopes his company will make up its lost profits over time, when productivity picks up due to the positive changes he's made. Ling asks him how he feels about his son's backstabbery. "I'm devastated," Thompson Daddy smilingly replies. Ling acts charmed by his abnormal happiness, giving him tender smiles of her own. We learn that Thompson Mom has cancer, Thompson shipping has lost almost a million dollars, and that Thompson Dad is happy, anyway. I'm so freaking sick of cases pivoting on neurological disorders. If it ain't tics, it's boobs, I tell you.