Previously on Ally McBeal: Ally touched Jackson's penis, Elaine professed her commitment to a monogamous relationship with Mark, and Richard and John went to L.A.
It's night in Boston as Vonda sings that "This is dedicated to the one I love" song in a way that would surely get me yelled at if I tried to pull that crap with my voice teacher. Larry and Ally walk down the sidewalk and have a not-cutesy argument about redecorating Ally's apartment. Ally says men don't decorate. Larry mentions Sears like the producers told him to when Sears cut the check. Sorry, but Sears is not the store you mention when you want to convince someone that you're worthy of decorating an apartment. Another thing -- doesn't Renee still live in this same apartment, as well? Maybe she doesn't get a say in the interior design because her breasts are decoration enough. Maybe when they signed the lease, Ally said, "Okay, you bring your bed and your boobs. I get to pick out everything else, including the extra roommates." Ally and Larry suddenly see Elaine and some guy making out outside a brownstone door. Then Elaine yanks the guy into what is apparently her place of residence and Ally says, "What the hell?" Do they have dwellings that aren't brownstones in Boston? Do the special elevator- and bathroom-stall-apartments count?
The commercials come on and remind me NOT to see Someone Like You for fear of being irritated by the unappealing characters and Ashley Judd's chiseled inner thighs. That's what she has -- chiseled inner thighs. Contrary to what the director, editor, and cinematographer of Someone Like You must believe, chiseled inner thighs aren't very enticing at all.
Now it's daytime in Boston. Morning meeting: Richard welcomes John and himself back from vacation. Nelle asks, "How was L.A.? Did you find what you were looking for?" John mutters, "Yes -- people with warmth. It was a culture shock, you snippy-ass Popsicle." Nelle says nothing. Ally says, "John," but with a smirk on her face. Ten minutes in and the show's already pissing me off. I can't even imagine anyone acting like that in a staff meeting -- especially not one of the company owners. I can't imagine myself sitting at a table and smirking while one coworker blatantly verbally abused another. If the writers have any snap at all (and I'm not saying this hopefully,) they will have Nelle sue John for sexual harassment this season. Then they can spice it up by having Ally feel conflicted between her hatred of Nelle and her sense of what the hell is right and wrong. Then Nelle can win, take over John's share of the firm, and hire lots of hot guys. DO YOU HEAR ME, DAVID E. KELLEY? STOP WAVING AROUND YOUR PRINTOUT OF THIS RECAP WHILE TELLING YOUR ASSISTANT THAT YOU NEED MORE EPISODES ABOUT FAT PEOPLE BEING LOSERS. READ THIS PARAGRAPH AND TAKE MY IDEA FOR FREE. John says that Nelle called him an imbecile. Ally says that she didn't. John says that she implied it, that her put-downs are tonal, and that he doesn't have to take it. He does this while calling her more silly names. Everyone is silent until he tells Richard to move on. What a bunch of chicken-shit punks.
The meeting continues. Richard informs us that Gilbert Breen, longtime client, is coming into Fish & Cage to update his will before getting married. Richard tells Jackson, who's handling Mr. Breen, that the client is "fat, bald, rich" and that his fiancée is beautiful. "Just to be safe -- pre-nup," says Richard, while Ally looks thoughtful. up, Ling's representing Thompson Shipping. Mr. Thompson's son is trying to have his father declared too incompetent to run the company. Why? Because Mr. Thompson is too happy. This pisses off John, who snivels, "That is bloody rich," as his employees look on silently. Shut the fuck up, John. For the love of all that is televised, please shut the fuck up. Didn't this man just take a vacation? Someone, please shove his ass out the window.
Ally accosts Elaine in the lobby, putting her arm, chin, and spiral-waved hair all over Elaine's shoulders. Ally says that she saw Elaine making out with the Other Guy the night before. Elaine explains that she "slipped." She babbles out all the circumstances, which don't really excuse what she did at all. Ally stands there looking high, mighty, and full of collarbones.
Still in the lobby, John apologizes to Nelle and explains that he's been in a bad mood because he misses Melanie. "I understand," Nelle tells him. "And if there's anything I can do…" Here I'm gleefully expecting her to tell his ass off, but instead she just says, "Poop," and gives him a dirty look. Whatever.
Meanwhile, Jackson is meeting with Breen and Fiancée on the other side of the lobby. He suggests a pre-nuptial agreement but Mr. Breen blows it off. Jackson calls Ally over and tells her to get a list of beneficiaries from the fiancée so that he can take Breen aside and convince him to pay for the pre-nup. Mr. Breen is a little on the chunk-style side and doesn't have a lot of hair on top, but he's well groomed and has a pleasant facial expression. The fiancée is thin and also well groomed, but not much prettier than average. I don't see what the big deal is.
In court, the Thompson son testifies that his father used to be ruthless. Then he was conked on the head, developed a brain clot, and now one of his glands produces an abnormal amount of a euphoria-inducing hormone. Whatever. Thompson Son says that the company stock has dropped since Thompson Dad got all happy and started paying for employee benefits all over the place. Thompson Dad could be "cured" with a simple medical procedure, but he refuses. Ling asserts that Thompson Dad is competent enough to care for himself and his wife. From Thompson Son's frustrated response, we're supposed to glean that he cares more about money than his own father's happiness. I don't care enough about these characters to do any gleaning, though.
In an office that looks like all the others, Gilbert Breen frets about the lack of trust he shows by filing a pre-nup. Jackson smooth talks him. Jackson's lavender tie is lame.
Ally and Julie the Fiancée walk into the F&C lobby, chatting about the fact that Julie and Gilbert have a love of skiing in common. How very interesting. Elaine walks up with a huge bouquet of roses that was obviously arranged by the same person who did the flowers that Ally got from George or Michael earlier this season. I recognize the style. Nice job, staff florist! Elaine wants Ally to hide the flowers for her. Mark walks up and assumes that the flowers are for Ally, from Larry. Larry walks in right on cue, holding a tissue to his chin in a chin-touching homage to his girlfriend. Elaine plays the whole thing off, fooling Mark for the moment.
Ally and Julie meet Gilbert and Jackson, and Jackson tells Julie that he's just going to draw up a "standard, boilerplate provision" of a pre-nuptial agreement. Ally purses her lips irritatingly and Larry's ears swivel towards the group. Then Ally butts in, saying that Julie needs representation of her own. She implies that the firm needs this precaution for ethical or liability reasons. Then she hauls Larry over and basically hires him on Julie's behalf. Jackson is annoyed. "Excuse me? Excuse me?" he says. Gilbert and Julie walk off innocently and snuggle in the elevator. "What the hell was that?" Jackson says. Ally dabs at Larry's chin and replies that she was just making sure things were "on the up-and-up." Where are your brave ethics when your friend John is abusing Nelle for everyone's amusement, Ally?
We're still in the lobby and Richard is upset to hear about Ally's intrusion on Jackson's case. Ally blows him off and goes over to confront Elaine. Mark walks up and asks if they're talking about the guy Elaine had dinner with the other night. Elaine denies the dinner with the guy. Mark says that a "buddy" of his saw the two of them. Small freaking world, huh? Elaine says that she was with Ally that night. Then she and Ally pretend to have cramps and leave. Whatever. Mark looks suspicious yet sort of sexy.
Courtroom. Thompson Daddy testifies that he hopes his company will make up its lost profits over time, when productivity picks up due to the positive changes he's made. Ling asks him how he feels about his son's backstabbery. "I'm devastated," Thompson Daddy smilingly replies. Ling acts charmed by his abnormal happiness, giving him tender smiles of her own. We learn that Thompson Mom has cancer, Thompson shipping has lost almost a million dollars, and that Thompson Dad is happy, anyway. I'm so freaking sick of cases pivoting on neurological disorders. If it ain't tics, it's boobs, I tell you.
Conference room. Larry and Jackson argue over the pieces of meat named Julie and Gilbert. "Larry…" says Jackson. "Love that name," says Larry. "Man to man, here…We both know what the law provides. We also know how young, beautiful women can capitalize on it, especially at the expense of fat, rich, bald guys," says Jackson. Larry says that he'll advise Julie not to sign the agreement. Jackson threatens to tell Gilbert that Julie only wants him for his money. Larry says, "Tell him you presume that, since he's fat, rich, and bald." Jackson laughs a fake laugh and says, "I like your style." "I hate yours," Larry mutters. "Excuse me?" Jackson asks again. "Kick his ass, Larry!" a bunch of Robert Downy, Jr. fans scream. I can't say that I blame them.
In Ally's office, Elaine tries to convince Ally to lie for her. Ally doesn't want to. Elaine doesn't seem very remorseful as she attempts to manipulate Ally into covering up her inability to function in a relationship. This plotline annoys me because it goes against Elaine's office-slut-with-a-heart-of-gold persona. Also, Mark doesn't deserve to get dissed by two women in a row while that sexist asshole John hooks up with two or three women a month. Whatever, though. It's not like I count on this show not to disappoint.
Back at the courthouse, Thompson Mama testifies that she loves Thompson Dad's new attitude. She doesn't think he needs to be cured. Her husband requests permission to approach the bench so he can kiss his wife. Judge Seymore Walsh denies it and Thompson blows his kiss, instead. Mrs. Thompson has a little Gabor thing going on with her hair and her striped suit as she babbles about society considering charity a disease. Thompson Son gets up and yells at his own mother. "That's enough," says Judge Walsh with his beautiful sternness. Thompson Dad just smiles.
Vonda sings a song about happiness while the night cityscape jerks and swerves by. Then we see Renee open her apartment door in the most ridiculous outfit she's probably ever worn in her life. It's a red floral dress with a clingy bodice and low, lacy neckline, and I swear that Renee's bosom is even bigger than before. Her hair is done in little Swiss Miss braids that only accentuate the fact that her head is way smaller than each of her breasts. Jackson comes into the apartment and looks down at her body, pretending not to notice its gross deformation as he says, "Mmm. Hurry up, girl." As Renee walks towards the camera, the tops of her tightly packed breasts quiver. Quick -- what color is Jackson's shirt? Who knows, right? How can you look at anything other than Renee and her huge, huge breasts? Jackson tersely greets Ally and Larry, who are in the apartment's kitchen. Ally makes a very stupid face at him. The men start to argue about the pre-nup until Ally says, "Okay! Okay!" I really hate it when people say, "Okay! Okay!" during someone else's argument. It turns out that Ally only said it so that she could fit her own two cents in. Jackson was "a little dicey" she says. "I'm not even in the mood for your issues," he tells her as Renee jiggles up. Now get ready for the fast-paced argument of the hour.
Ally: My issues? What are my issues?
Larry: All right…
Jackson: Look, lady…
Ally: Ally!
Larry: Jackson…
Jackson: First, you're kissing me.
Ally: I thought you were him [pointing to Larry].
Jackson: Then you climbed into bed.
Ally: I thought you were her [Renee].
Jackson: Then your hands were all up on my privates.
[Renee nods.]
Ally: Well, [smirking sardonically, shaking head] 'cause I thought it was the remote control.
Larry: Hold on!
Jackson: You found the remote now, didn't you?
Ally: [angrily] Yeah, it did feel like the remote control -- hard, plastic.
Every time someone tries to make a sexual innuendo on this show, I end up saying, "What the hell?"
Jackson: Oh, don't flatter yourself!
Renee: Excuse me?
Larry: Excuse me, too. You had your hand on his… uh… remote.
Renee: Hard plastic?
Jackson: Men have it when they're sleeping.
Larry: Remotes?
Jackson: No -- ERECTIONS. And it had nothing to do with her thin little hand.
Ally: Oh, isn't that the remote calling the wrist skinny!
I can't believe people watch this show week after week and then complain that I type the word "fuck" in the recaps.
Ling meets with the Thompson parents to tell them that their son wants one last crack at settling. The Thompsons happily agree and then take off to dinner. You know something bad is going to happen to them, right?
In the Unisex, Gilbert sniffles and tells John, "I'm a big, fat fool. And I'm bald. I see that you're not especially attractive. Do you have a wife?" John bristles and says, "I suppose that cheap-ass, Popsicle-toe Pop Tart put you up to this. Well, let me tell you something, pup tent. I don't appreciate the putdown." Yeah, because Nelle has nothing better to do than hire some stranger to ask John leading questions in the restroom. Well, maybe she doesn't, though. She doesn't seem to have any cases. She has no reason to hang out at the firm other than to take John's alliterative abuse, perhaps. Gilbert goes on. "When I was seven my mom put me on a diet." That's all John needs to hear -- "When I was…" followed by any number under eighteen. Gilbert talks about his young hopes of finding a woman who would love him despite his size. He talks about becoming a millionaire. Now, after a little time spent at Fish & Cage, he's forced to assume that Julie must be marrying him because of the money. Well, of course she is. If there's anything I've learned from this show, it's that no one can love you if you're fat.
Oh, wait…that's not it. It's that no one can love a fat woman. If the instincts gained from episodes guide me correctly, I have to say that a fat man can be loved if he's rich. Men love sex, and women love money. That's the Kelleyan way, right? So Gilbert has nothing to worry about, as long as he never gets conked on the head and loses his fortune. Oh, but wait…then all he'd have to do is take his wife out dancing in order to keep her love. Okay. Gilbert's going to be all right, y'all. Whew! Thank goodness he's not a fat woman! Then he'd be a freaking loser!
In the Fish & Cage lobby, Richard tells Jackson that he's concerned. That was just filler, though, because then we see Elaine inform Ally that she used her for an alibi, after all. Ally walks off in disgust. Elaine says to herself, "I should be in a soap opera -- As My Vagina Turns." Um…yeah. Whatever. Turning vaginas -- sure. Anything to get the genitalia term into the script, I guess. Ling, in her frightening black, white, and peach top, tells Nelle that she's afraid Mr. Thompson's good mood is rubbing off on her. You know, actually, this whole lobby segment was filler.
Ling joins the Thompson men and another lawyer in the conference room, where arguing is already taking place. They yammer for a while and then Thompson Son gets a call on his cell. He informs us all that his mother has died of acute heart failure. "Oh," says Mr. Thompson, continuing to smile for a second in order to fake us out. Then he finally quits smiling and says, "That's terrible."
However, any heartstrings that scene may have pulled are pushed firmly back into place by the scene that comes . Mr. Thompson walks into the Unisex, smiling again. Richard asks him how it's going. Mr. Thompson grins like a maniac as he talks about his wife's death. "Get a grip," Richard says facetiously. He eventually asks if Mr. Thompson's okay. "Yes, unfortunately I am," the poor, happy coot replies. Richard looks at his (hot) self in the mirror quizzically and sadly.
Back in the lobby for the zillionth time, Ally stands in front of Elaine, shaking a pink Magic Eight Ball. Mark asks Ally to meet with him for a moment and she nervously agrees. He leads her to an office, where Ally does her unfunny nervous shtick while Mark questions her and Elaine eavesdrops. "Let's just cut to it, Ally," says Mark. "Can we do that? I consider you and I friends." Ally says, "Oh, please, why does everybody think I'm a friend? I'm not even nice." Thanks for the shout-out, writers. Ally lies. She says that she and Elaine were having dinner with a college friend of hers that fateful night. Mark asks if she gives him her word as a friend. Before Ally has to answer, Elaine bursts in and tells the whole truth. She apologizes and says that it won't happen again, although she knows she sounds hollow while saying so. Mark just nods and leaves the room. Elaine apologizes to Ally and leaves, herself. Poor Mark.
Gilbert and Julie meet with their lawyers. At first they're sitting right to each other, holding hands. Larry and Jackson argue over the pre-nup, voicing all sorts of suspicions and then physically dragging their respective clients apart. Larry lays out his own pre-nup proposal. Jackson refuses it, telling Gilbert that it's now reasonable to assume that Julie only wants to marry for money. Gilbert's insecurity comes into play as he agrees. He and Jackson leave the room as Julie starts to cry. See, these two need to have one of those special marriages that they started doing in Louisiana or wherever. You know -- the ones where you not only say vows, but you also swear to God that you won't break the vows you just swore to uphold. If they had real family values, that's what they'd do instead of all this harum-scarum Satan-inspired pre-nuptial stuff. Plus, Julie would quit her job and let Gilbert tell her what to do from now on. Obviously, they're not really in love.
Elaine tells her woes to Richard and asks for his advice. Richard tells her to take notes as he offers his reasoned-out excuses. He makes up all this anthropological crap involving jealousy and the semen of other men. It's sort of funny because it's a take on the type of relationship self-help non-fiction that I hate most of all. It's not funny enough for me to transcribe word for word, though. It ends with, "You slept with this other man because you want to have Mark's child." Elaine crosses out all the notes she's taken.
Ling and Nelle spy on Mr. Thompson as he happily whistles so soon after the death of his wife. Ling then walks over to Mr. Thompson so that he can tell her that he's planning to have his blood clot drained. He needs to stop being happy so that he can properly grieve for his wife, he says. Ling puts her hand on his arm. How sentimental.
I see the Old Navy commercial about the $6.50 tanks and the boot-cut Capri pants for the seventh or eighth time. That's it, dammit. One more time and I'm driving to the mall. Oh, wait…no, I'm not, because this commercial gets on my nerves. Also, I can't fit my fat ass into Old Navy clothes, no matter what it says on the tags of my clothes and theirs.
thing we know, Ling's sitting to Henry Thompson's hospital bed, asking him if he's sure he wants his clot drained. He's sure. The doctor comes in to tell us that Mr. Thompson will be up and around that night. I can't believe they hired an extra actor to play a doctor just for this one filler scene.
Elaine knocks on Mark's office door, because apparently the two of them have no place to discuss their relationship outside of their workplace. Mark is silent and uncomfortable-looking. Elaine says she isn't there to excuse her infidelity -- just to explain it. She claims that her insecurity about her relationship with Mark is what caused her to screw that other guy. "I mean -- we're biding time with each other, Mark. We both know it," she says. The sad piano plays as Mark opens his mouth slightly and then quickly closes it. He never opens his mouth anymore, and I think you people posting on the forum know why. "You're a great guy. And what I did the other night was despicable. But we should just quit while we're behind," concludes Elaine as the oboe moans. Poor Mark.
In the Unisex, Gilbert confides to John that the wedding's off now that he knows Julie's "a gold-digger." Julie immediately emerges from a nearby stall, of course. Then Jackson walks in and John tells him that he and Larry are responsible for this breakup. Meanwhile, Elaine stomps into the stall Julie just vacated. I'm guessing all the other stalls are filled with eavesdroppers already. Elaine turns and tells the others to go someplace else if they're going to talk about love. "This is a bathroom!" she says. If she hears any more about true love, she's going to vomit, she promises. John grabs Julie, hauls her over to Gilbert, and starts talking about his moldy old relationship with Melanie. Then he asks if Gilbert loves Julie. Gilbert says that he does, and we're treated to the sound of Elaine puking. John pauses for just a moment before asking Julie if she loves Gilbert. "More than anything," says Julie, causing more vomit noises. They keep talking and Elaine makes a particularly nasty retching noise. The fiancés hug. Jackson asks if he and John should hug. The joke falls flat, much like this entire recap is probably doing, considering the shit-rate material I'm having to work with this week. You know, at least when I say that this show makes me want to vomit, the readers aren't forced to hear me doing it.
Ling meets Thompson Son at the hospital and asks how his dad's doing. Thompson Son says the operation was a success but that "it's kind of hitting him now," meaning the death of Thompson Mom. Ling goes in to see Henry. He's in a super-bitchy mood, asking if she's there to collect her fee. He doesn't smile at all and tells Ling that he'd prefer to be alone. She leaves and he pulls a framed photograph of his wife out from under his sheet. Ling spies on him through the window as he caresses the picture, and then we hear more retching as Vonda sings "Somewhere Out There (Fivel's Song)." Is that the name of it? You know which one I mean, right? I mean, that is why you're retching, isn't it?
Vonda continues to sing as Renee smashes her huge breasts against Jackson's chest on The Bar dance floor. Gilbert and Julie are dancing, too, because Fish & Cage managed to suck them into The Cult of The Bar, I guess. Ally sits at a table and stabs at her martini's olive. Larry walks up and asks if she cares to dance with an "insignificant [something] little gnat." She pouts at him. He says he picked out a new sofa from Sears. "Oh, for you to be sleeping on at night?" she asks. He says that they can watch TV together and she can work the remote. "Don't be gross," says Ally. I won't if you won't, says everyone watching the show. They dance right to Jackson and Renee. The men say each other's names cattily. Ling and Nelle look on, sad and lonely because even though they're beautiful, they're icy ice queens who only care about money. However, they're not FAT, and we should thank everything holy for that, because fat women are the dregs of the earth.
Elaine walks down the sidewalk, also sad and lonely in her bitchin' fur accessories and beret. Mr. Thompson walks on his walker in the hospital sidewalk, feeling -- you guessed it -- sad and lonely. I feel sad and lonely as I press STOP and then RWD. I'm sad and lonely, yet also glad that the show is over.
week: a rerun. Woo hoo! Y'all watch something good, okay? Rent a movie. Go out for Thai. Don't force yourselves to sit there and actually watch the rerun of Ally McBeal, all right? I worry about you people…