Okay, so we start off with Vonda singing "When Will I Hold You Again," as Ally stares sadly out of her apartment window. Then Vonda's voice becomes Barry Manilow's, and Barry Manilow is standing behind Ally. Ally yells and does the head-slapping thing that she stole from Curly of Three Stooges fame. El Manilow disappears, replaced by Renee's oncoming boobs. "I was hallucinating," Ally admits. Renee runs through the short list of R&B has-beens, trying to guess who Ally saw. "Barry Manilow. Call 911," says Ally McPsycho. And you thought the writers had finally gotten the message and given up on the hallucinations. Well, you were wrong. How can you blame them, though? Dude, they scored BARRY MANILOW. How could they not celebrate by making him a figment of Ally's fevered, fucked-up imagination?
At this point I should mention that almost every commercial break in this episode includes a promo for Barbra Streisand's "final televised concert." All I can say about that is: why? Isn't Barbra a gay icon? Isn't Ally McBeal hilarity hijinks for homophobes? I guess it could be that Barbra's promoters are marketing to GLAAD watchdogs, though.
At the Fish & Cage morning meeting, Richard announces that he and John have hired a new lawyer. Nelle freaks out, and Richard assures his staff that none of their jobs is in peril. Ally hallucinates Barry Manilow singing and looking like one of the Golden Girls. She gasps loudly. "You're not gonna get all weird again now that Larry's gone, are you?" Ling asks her. Ally leaves the boardroom in a huff and crashes into "Jackson Duper," as played by Taye Diggs. Sorry, but I don't think he's so hot. That peach fuzz under his chin has got to go. Ally begs to differ, however, as she imagines his clothing flying off of his body. Whatever. She informs him that everyone's waiting to meet him at the meeting. He asks where the "facilities" are. Ally glances at his crotch and giggles. Okay -- I really don't need to imagine Ally imagining this man urinating. Thanks anyway. She follows Jackson halfway to the Unisex, then weirdly rubs her face and turns back. She sees Elaine watching Jackson. "Elaine. Elaine!" she scolds. Why is it okay for Ally to giggle at Jackson's crotch, but not okay for Elaine to merely look at the guy's back? Whatever. Anne Heche comes off the elevator in a long red wig, big red glasses, and a flimsy red dress, carrying a bunch of balloons. "Oh, excuse me," she says in an unidentifiable accent. "I'm, uh, looking for Mr. John Cage?" John and the others come out of the boardroom. Melanie hands him the balloons, telling him that they're from Melanie West. Then she kisses him. "I'm spoken for," John protests. Melanie yells out a tic, rips off her wig, and says, "So am I!" We see that her glasses are heart-shaped. How annoying. John's co-workers applaud as if she were clever or amusing. Or maybe they're clapping for Melanie's cleavage. It's hard to tell. Ally pouts and runs into her office. John rudely pulls away from Melanie so that he can see what's the matter with Widdle Baby-Waby Ally.
"It's tough, huh?" John tells Ally in her office. They talk about difficulties with Valentine's Day and long-distance relationships. Ally suddenly tells John that she can't handle the annulment case she was supposed to try that day. She dumps a bunch of files into John's hands and tells him to take the case for her because she's been hallucinating. What? She's not going to go into court and hallucinate there? How disappointing. How unlike her.
Ally, Richard, Ling, and John meet in another office. At first, Richard is upset that Ally's trying to dump her case on John. Then Ally says, "Barry Manilow," and he immediately gives the case to Ling. Hardy har, so hilarious. On her lapel, Ling wears one of those big fake flowers that are all the rage in Hollywood but nowhere else. Richard says that Ling will be assisted by Jackson Duper. Ally does some weird stumbling attempt at physical comedy as she leaves the office. I think it'd be cool if Ally could only mime for the rest of the season.
Melanie bends over in front of John, displaying her Wonderbra'd décolletage and grody rhinestone bow necklace. "I love Barry Manilow!" she says. She also makes a barking noise. Shut up, Melanie. John says that he loves Barry, too. Melanie accuses him of making fun of her and says, "Poop." John tells her to cover her mouth when she tics, as if she's coughing. She then yells the word poop. More Manilow raptures and tics occur. John says he's ready to share "something big" with Melanie. Why do I just know that it involves a remote control?
Ally and Jackson meet with "Clayton." Clayton, in his purple satin tie, explains that he married a nymphomaniac. He's suing the minister who married them because the minister slept with the nymphomaniac wife. Whatever, whatever. Ling walks in and double-takes a look at Jackson. "What are you doing here?" she says. He works here. "You're Jackson Duper?" she asks, and then walks out of the office. The man whose name she questioned follows her. "So, Jackson Duper, you don't tell a woman your real name?" Ling asks him. Huh? Whatever. Lame plot contrivance ahead! We learn that Jackson Duper had sex with Ling but didn't tell her his real name. We never find out why, though. I mean, I guess the writers wanted to explain the fact that Ling slept with this guy, but didn't recognize his name when Richard first mentioned it. I think part of the explanation fell on the cutting-room floor, though. Why did Jackson give Ling an alias? I have to assume that it was because "Jackson Duper" is such an embarrassing name.
John leads Melanie into the Unisex and opens his favorite stall. After tons of unnecessary build-up, he clicks a stupid remote and causes a secret doorway to open behind his toilet. "I call it my hole in the wall," says John. It's a little room with an easy chair and a bunch of boring-looking books. Because Melanie has Tourette's and likes small places and Barry Manilow, John asks her to marry him. In reply, she whoops. John whoops, too, of course. At the Unisex sink, Richard turns and says, "Hello?" John and Melanie crouch and cover each other's mouths. I hope the building implodes and kills them.
After the commercial, we're tortured with more footage of the loving couple. Melanie asks if John's serious. They tic some more, causing Richard to look under John's stall. Ally comes into the Unisex and wonders what he's doing. He's afraid that there are rats in the walls. Melanie yips. "That sounded like a dog," Ally says. She opens a stall door and sees Barry Manilow on the pot, singing "Even Now." Richard asks if "B.M" is in there. He advises Ally to get rid of her "ghost" by taking his head off. Is Barry Manilow dead already?
In court, Ling makes a big production of showing the wedding video in which Clayton's wife and minister tongue-kiss each other. The "I'm not comfortable" lawyer represents Reverend Compton, the minister. After all this time, he's still not funny. Neither is any part of this trial. "I betrothed my penis to her 'til death or impotence do us part," says Clayton on the stand. Shut the hell up, Clayton. God, I hate this show more every freaking week.
Back at Fish & Cage, Melanie tells John that she needs time to consider his proposal. Jackson comes off the elevator telling Ling that he can't believe the case he's been put on. He lists the inanities that surround it, and then sees Elaine working a remote control to make her fake nipples protrude in his direction. The most remarkable thing about this scene is Taye Diggs's crappy acting. He really is lame.
Melanie tells John that she doesn't believe in marriage. John is surprised and unhappy. I don't care.
Ally sits on her bed and talks to Larry on the phone. She expresses affection for Sam and peevish jealousy of Jamie. "Ciao bella!" she tells him twice, with a really stupid accent, before hanging up. She opens her refrigerator, where she has saved the whole snowman from last week. I wondered if it was a hallucination, but didn't care enough to puzzle it out. Ally walks back to the living room and watches a translucent Barry Manilow sing for a while. Then Barry fades and his voice is replaced by Vonda's. Ally rocks herself in time with the gentle lullaby. Suddenly, a ten-foot-tall spider appears and drags her to its lair. Oh, sorry. That was my hallucination.
For the first of many times this evening, I see the cell-phone commercial featuring Terri Hatcher wearing orange. I'm sorry to see that she seems to have contracted an eating disorder. Some fashion trends just aren't flattering at all.
Here's the really stupid conversation that takes place between Jackson and Ling.
Jackson: Look, lady, if you've got some big scorn thing goin' on here...
Ling [scornfully]: Don't flatter yourself! I work up more scorn over a pimple.
Jackson: Well, you must have one now, because...
Ling: Yeah. Tiny -- the size of your integrity.
"Pimple the size of your integrity" -- you just know that's what the audience members will be yelling on Jerry Springer season, right? Richard walks in and asks what's going on. Jackson -- unwisely, unprofessionally -- tells Richard that he and Ling had sex one night after meeting in a bar. Richard looks unhappily surprised. Ling introduces Richard as her boyfriend. Jackson feels dumb.
In another office, Ally is telling John to calm down. He doesn't want to. He yells "Balls!" twice. Ally does her tough-love routine, yelling back at John and defending Melanie's fear of marriage. Richard bursts into the room and says, "She slept with him," causing John to scream his girly scream. John assumes that Nelle slept with Jackson, but Richard explains that it was Ling. Richard is upset. He wants to beat Jackson up. "Who are you trying to kid, Richard? You couldn't even take Ling," says John. Richard jumps at John. Ally breaks them up and then hits Richard in the chest. She yells some stale advice at them. The men shake hands and she leaves. Ally and John are extremely annoying, and Richard is almost beginning to become annoying by association.
Outside the office, Mark tells Ally that he doesn't like Jackson Duper because Elaine hasn't stopped sweating since he started working there. We see Elaine sweating incredibly profusely as the "Oh, this show is so freaking cute!" music plays. My esophagus hurts from the strain of holding down bile.
Reverend Compton explains to the court what an areola is and how he came to see Marcia Hooper's. Marcia is Clayton's wife. She showed the minister her breast, and he responded by licking it. "What type of a minister are you?" Jackson asks him. "Your Honor, this is wack!" Jackson then tells Judge Walsh. "God made man weak," explains Reverend Compton. Jackson tries to do the hilariously-put-upon-attorney act, saying something about "thou shalt not lick the bride's left nipple." It falls flat and Judge Walsh bangs his gavel for no good reason.
Ally tells Nelle and Mark about her Manilow hallucinations. We see a shot of her back. Her pants are so tight that we can see the wrinkles of the shirt that she's tucked into them. It isn't pretty, buttock contour or no. Mark, at a new desk-with-computer-in-the-lobby set, talks about friends of his that met with a "ghost specialist." The ghost specialist told his friends to confront their ghosts aggressively. Why is Mark at a desk in the lobby and not in his office with the dentist's chair and the full-length mirror? Why is everyone calling Barry Manilow a ghost? Nelle makes some ridiculous comparison between ghosts and men. Sweaty Elaine walks up and informs Ally that Larry's on the phone. Melanie comes off the elevator in a mink and screams her ass off, scaring Elaine. Comedic music plays but I haven't laughed once all season.
Melanie finds John and Richard hanging from their bars in one of the offices. John does an elaborate dismount. Melanie says she likes gymnastics, too. John asks Richard to leave. Richard can't get off the bar. Melanie unzips Richard's pants. He does a lame dismount and exits the room. WHATEVER. Melanie babbles more about why she doesn't want to get married. "How ridiculous," John says. Yeah, really. He babbles about the capacity to love and some other stuff. I go to bed, wake up, get ready for work, go to work until late evening, gossip with a co-worker for an hour, and then drive back to my apartment. John is still babbling. Melanie says, "Poop." John asks her not to reject the idea that two people can make a marriage work. "I've just never seen it," says Melanie. Yeah, me neither, come to think of it.
Jackson enters the Unisex. He is weirded out in turn by Richard, Nelle, John, Elaine, and Melanie. None of it's really funny. Well, it's almost funny when Elaine works her fake breasts and sweats against Jackson. Not so funny that I actually laugh, though. I guess we're supposed to think of Jackson as our Everyman, but I just think of him as another in a long series of unlikable lawyers.
Mrs. Hooper tells the court about her affliction. She loves Clayton Hooper, but finds herself unable to control her sexual urges. Jackson accuses her of fraud, and says that she only wants alimony instead of an annulment. The other lawyer objects to the badgering. Jackson says that the minister was "quite the badger himself." He illustrates this by licking. The licking is punctuated with smacking sounds. The resulting effect is incredibly irritating. Judge Walsh says that Mrs. Hooper was unfaithful one hundred and six times throughout her three-year marriage. "It's a sickness!" whines Mrs. Hooper. The "funny" music plays during a reaction shot of the jury, letting us know that she's going to lose the case. Ling's looking rather hot in this scene, though, I must say. Red is a good color for her.
John sits in his behind-the-stall hideaway and pouts while Melanie yells for him to let her in. He finally clicks the door open. They talk for way too long. The upshot is that Melanie wants to continue their "courtship," and that she loves John. John sighs. I start to sigh along with him but then opt to mutter profanities instead.
Jackson is embarrassed to have pulled the jury away from their busy lives for this "silly" case. He urges them to annul the case, since there was no "meeting of the minds" between the Hoopers. Mrs. Hooper's lawyer does a closing, and then the "I'm not comfortable" lawyer does, too. Since when are there three-way cases? Please excuse me -- I'm behind on my study of television law.
Ally counsels Richard, as if she knows shit about anything. Richard confides that he loves Ling for her soft skin and her hair, and that she loves him for his money. Ally says that that's a bond Jackson Duper can't break. Richard makes a supposed-to-be-sympathetic remark about Larry's being gone. Ally peevishly informs him that Larry's not gone -- he's in Detroit. The Ass Cam shows us her ass as she walks out of the office. She strides with her legs wide apart, for some reason. Maybe she has a chafing rash.
The jury decides to annul the marriage and let Reverend Compton off the hook. Clayton remarks that he'd like to have nailed the Reverend. "Your former wife already did that," says Jackson, like a rude jerk. Clayton thanks them and takes off. Jackson offers to quit the firm for Ling's sake. Ling says that isn't necessary. He asks if she's definitely involved with Richard. She is. She asks if he joined the firm because she worked there. He "can't remember." She coldly congratulates him on his first victory with the firm. He watches her walk away and then mutters, "And my first defeat," to himself. Shut up, Jackson. You're a dumb-ass.
At The Bar, the Vondettes vamp through the opening bars of "It's a Miracle." Then the spotlight shines on Barry Manilow at the piano. It turns out that Ling got him to appear at The Bar for Melanie. Jealous Nelle hisses that she got Barry White to play the year before. John, Melanie, Ling, and Richard get up to dance. Ally and Renee enter the bar. "Now this has gone far enough," Ally grits. She stomps up to the stage, saying that she's going to knock out Barry Manilow. She swings wildly at his head, causing the music to stop. "Oh, uh, uh...oopsie," annoying-as-hell Ally titters. "Are you for real?" she asks Manilow. "Are you? Lady, if you want the mike that badly, ask for it," says Barry. Whatever. He cues the music and hands Ally the microphone. She pretends that she doesn't want to sing. Then she puts a big Billy Idol sneer on her face in time to catch the first measure. Her voice is weak and thin-bodied as she belts and shimmies. Jackson stares and then smiles resignedly as Ally does her Jerky Dance and grinds her ass again Barry Manilow's pelvis. Then Jackson catches Renee's eye and they share a secret smile of foreshadowing.
Back at her apartment, Ally plays with her hair, rubs her face, and talks to Larry on the phone. Renee walks in and informs Ally that she wants to get with Jackson. "You bide your time, Renee," says Ally. Whatever. Renee goes to bed. We get to watch Ally make a bunch of faces while Vonda sings. Then we see Ling stare at Jackson while dancing with Richard. Then we see John and Melanie slow dance in the Toilet Room. Then we see Ally dance with a pillow in a way that's supposed to be sultry but which comes off as totally icky and goofy instead. Shut up, everybody on the whole stupid show.
week: John and Richard fight. John and Melanie tic. Mark breaks up with Elaine and Jackson hits on Ling. Also, Ling wears a revealing tuxedo-shirt-type top that unfortunately reminds me of Flashdance. What a feeling.