Vonda decides to kick off the hour by annoying me, singing "Gimme dat thing!" for no reason at all. Then we see John, Melanie, Richard, Ling, and two tertiary characters at The Restaurant. Melanie and John take turns seeing who can perform the goofiest tic or quirk. Ling comments that it must be cool to have Tourette's syndrome, and therefore have an excuse to be so annoying. Melanie brags about how good in bed her disorder allegedly makes her. John stutters. We learn that the two newcomers are Randy and Lisa, an engaged couple. Ling is going to be Lisa's bridesmaid. Randy is a former fiancé of Ling's. Richard asks if Randy still has feelings for Ling. Randy and Lisa stay silently aghast throughout this rude excuse for mealtime conversation.
At Larry's office, Ally shows Larry her new hat and the two of them joke about it. Ally tries to kiss Larry and hits him in the forehead with the brim. "My first brim job," says Larry. It's supposed to be funny that he said something that rhymed with "rim job." I was only scarred for life, though. Was he talking about Ally, or former inmates, or what? Now I'll be distracted throughout the recap. I was going to say that Ally looked decent for once. I liked her outfit and her hair was combed. Then they had to ruin it with a disgusting pun. Anyway, they're trying to kiss when Jamie shows up, looking as hot as Famke Janssen. She apologizes for barging in, but she has to speak to Larry. Ally rubs at her eye, stammers about having to go to work, and leaves. Jamie looks at her like, "Later, loser," and tells Larry that she wants to move with their son to Perry Sound, Canada. Shout out to all the peeps in Perry Sound! (I don't know any, but someone must.) Larry expresses surprise. Watch out, Larry. "Perry Sound" is the International Body of Water Symbol for "I'm gonna get you back in bed with me if it's the last thing I ever do."
In a completely ridiculous, beige-striped-polyester-shirt-AND-MATCHING-HEAD-SCARF ensemble, Renee asks Ally why Jamie's back. Ally doesn't know and babbles that she's not a jealous person. She points out, "I was able to work with Georgia, the woman who was married to the first ass I ever sniffed."
Oh -- my -- GOD. I can't believe Ally said "the first ass I ever sniffed." Can I just puke on myself now? Has the show moved to a new level of anal-centric anal-retentiveness? I can't believe I'm missing the jazz special on PBS so that I can sit here and be forced to imagine Ally McBeal's face in men's anuses. Jiminy fricking crickets.
Renee puts a pencil in Ally's mouth, for some reason, and advises her to hide the jealousy and hang tough. Ally bites through the pencil. PLEASE -- NO MORE OF ALLY'S MOUTH!
At one office or another, John fusses at Richard for his lunchtime vulgarities. Richard is as unapologetic as ever. John informs us that he hasn't yet had sex with Melanie. Then he leaves to watch her read to her students. I don't know why he's doing that. I guess it's so he can establish the fact that Melanie's a teacher.
Lisa comes to Ling's office to express concern. She worries that Randy still has feelings for Ling -- that he's only settling for marriage to Lisa. Ling does her best to be reassuring. She explains that she dumped Randy seven years before, and that he was heartbroken, but that he most likely got over it. Lisa doesn't seem comforted. Gwen wonders why they named her character "Lisa" instead of something that doesn't look and sound like "Ling."
Back at his office, Larry complains that he doesn't want his son living in Canada, which he compares unfavorably to Detroit. ["Uh…what?" -- niki] Jamie tells us that the two geographical locations share a border. Thanks for the filler, Jamie. She wants to know if Larry's in love with Ally. Larry says he is. That's the only reason Jamie can see for Larry living in Boston. Well, why did he move over there in the first place, then? Did Ally pull him like a tide, I wonder? Maybe she did, though. She is the most amazing woman on earth, as the writers keep having the characters tell us. Maybe her amazingness is super in nature. Larry asks if Jamie's trying to re-hook-up with him. She claims she's trying to build a sense of family for their son.
John and a bunch of little kids give rapt attention to Melanie as she reads a story about a two-headed girl. John interrupts the story with a totally uncalled-for scream. Melanie reads on. A Nurse Ratched wannabe shows up at the door in time to hear a student scream. John screams again. The woman asks for a word with Melanie, leaving John to monitor the class. I'm so sure -- like any school employee would do that without a criminal history check. Melanie suggests that John tell the kids a story, then runs off to get chewed out by her supervisor. John nervously starts a story about a train. His nose whistles and he stutters. "You're a boring little man," a little girl tells him. John amends that he's meek. "Why are you meek? It's not attractive," says the girl. John says that parents in America cut off the toes of children who aren't meek. The girl screams. "I'm not so boring now, am I, you little snot?" says John. This is hilarious. Maybe he can talk to them about rim jobs . Melanie returns and informs John that she was just fired. I think she should sue John. It's basically his fault.
thing you know, John's in court yelling that it's unethical for Melanie to be fired because of her disorder. Melanie and the Mean Firing Woman from Melanie's school are there, too. Melanie yells out "Hair club!" and we see that the judge wears a toupee. John stutters and his nose whistles AND he says "Frank Sinatra," as well as a bunch of other stupid stuff. It's not even vaguely amusing. The school's lawyer says that Melanie was fired because she frightens her students. The judge hopes that the opposing parties can mediate amongst themselves. I hope they do so off screen.
Randy shows up at Fish & Cage and, with a few throwaway lines, illustrates to us all that Ling is a super-hot demigoddess of a woman who spoils all men for the love of any other. Ling indicates, with a mere sustained facial expression, that she bears her burden with as much modesty and self-sacrifice as is physically possible.
Renee puts four or five pencils in Ally's mouth to keep her from running to Larry and saying anything. That sounds like something I made up, but it isn't. I wonder if there are any weird people out there with pencil-in-mouth fetishes. I wonder if pencils make a good diet regimen.
In John's office, Melanie expresses anguish. She's on the verge of getting a children's book publishing deal, and she can't afford to have a reputation for frightening children. John wants to know why Melanie suddenly cares about her future, when she was ready to go to jail the week before. That would be a good question if I cared about Melanie at all. Melanie indicates that she's more optimistic since meeting John. They kiss. Elaine comes in with a sleek new hairstyle and announces that Mrs. Stiles and Mr. Milter are on their way up. Then she squeals annoyingly, totally negating the effect of her new hair.
Larry and Jamie yell at each other. Larry asks why Jamie doesn't move to Boston. Jamie doesn't want to. She instead wants to talk about how much passion the two of them have for each other. She sits to Larry on his desk and caresses his ear. He says he can't go through this again. "Just tell me that you know it's over," she tells him. He pushes her hand away and says, "I know it's over." This is right before they smash their faces together and start kissing like hungry dogs. "Oh, no!" Larry groans, breaking away and running out the door. Oh, be quiet Larry. You know you liked it. You know you want to play Wolverine in the X-Men sequel. You will notice that I gave this episode a grade of D. The "D" only has a plus sign after it because of this scene.
There are a bunch of broken pencils on the desk as Ally frets that something is going on with Larry and Jamie. Renee suggests that Ally go to her own office and find out if Larry's called. Poor Ally. I almost feel bad for her. I mean, I really don't care at all…but if I try really hard, I can almost sort of feel bad for her.
Randy bursts into Ling's office and says, "I do!" Ling sputters a little and then Randy comes out with this brilliant line: "Trust me, I've had it psychologically entombed." That is so beautifully inane. I'm going to try to say that at least once at work this week. My boss will say, "Gwen, did you get the information you needed for the newsletter?" I'll say, "Trust me, I've had it psychologically entombed." Damn. Maybe I'll get a raise! Randy demands to know whether Ling can see the slightest possibility of a Randy / Ling hook-up in the future. "No," says Ling. "That sounded a little anemic," says Randy, putting his hand on her bare arm. "Not a chance!" grits Ling. "Clear enough?" I really think they should be wearing trench coats for this scene. "What about the wedding?" Ling calls as Randy tries to exit. "She's the best thing. And you're still invited," he replies in that bittersweet, underplayed-by-the-oboe way. Oh, shut up, Randy. No one cares.
John, Melanie, Mrs. Stiles, and Mr. Milter argue in the Fish & Cage conference room. I realize that Mr. Milter is the lawyer who kept saying "I am not comfortable" in the episode where Elaine got sued for sexual harassment. He's still not funny. In the course of defending the stories she writes (one of which is about tolerance), Melanie yells "Fat!" at Mrs. Milter. "I am not fat," grates Mrs. Milter. Oh, yes, you are. I can't see the bones in your neck, Mrs. Milter. You are fat and ugly and you will lose this case. You will never have sex with John Cage. The yelling escalates until Melanie squeals. "All right. Play the squeal card," says Mrs. Milter. John mutters, "Remarks like that make me see zeroes." Does he mean the zeroes in her dress size?
Ally is short-tempered and rude to Elaine and Nelle because Larry hasn't called. Nelle has nothing better to do than call Ally's office on her cell phone in order to peevishly illustrate that the phone lines are working. Ally flings her phone at Nelle, but Larry catches it instead, just like he always does. It's still not funny, either. Ally pretends she's not a bitch and tells Larry that she had a really weird vibe about him and Jamie. Larry bluntly admits that he kissed Jamie. Ally gets mad. She's been down this road before, she's too old for these games, and she wants Larry to leave. Larry doesn't want to. Ally insists, though. She opens the door and the whole office staff falls through it. Larry sighs as we hear Renee sing.
Renee sings and sings as Ally pouts down the sidewalk. At The Bar, Nelle tells Richard and Ling that she feels so bad for Ally, even though she doesn't like her. Hey -- that's my line. Ling stares into the distance, presumably mooning over Randy, who isn't even good looking or anything.
Larry leaves messages on Ally's machine from his office. He's sad. Jamie strolls in and wants to know what happened. Larry tells her, "Please just leave. Could you do that? Go to Canada." Now Jamie is sad. "Wow. You really love her," she says. Larry is forced to say, "You and I could never work […] because you're not her." He almost cries as he tells Jamie that Ally is "it." I'm starting to see why this show is so popular among single women. It's a nice fantasy -- that you could always be rude and selfish and still have men crying over you. You'd still have to be thin, though. Don't think you can be the most amazing woman on Earth with any sort of weight on you. Come off it. Character means nothing. Weight is everything. Learn it. Live it. Like it or lump it. David E. Kelley has finally made me see the light. Until my body is only two percent fat, I will never be a success. I will never earn money for showing up at my job and spending the workday whining. I will never have sex with my lawyer or any hot guys on drugs. God -- I mean David E. Kelley-- why does life have to be so hard?
Jamie realizes that the gig is up. She mumbles something about putting off her decision to move to Canada. Then she leaves Larry to mourn the loss of his amazing, skinny love.
At her apartment, Ally watches Fatal Attraction and mutters, "Get him! Get him!" Renee bursts in and tries to convince Ally to give Larry another chance. Ally asks for one good reason to do so. "Because he's standing right here," says Renee. And he is. He's sheepish and Ally is peevishly peeved.
At Fish & Cage, Ling admits to Nelle that she may still have feelings for Randy. They slag Richard and also Melanie as she walks in the room. "Repugnant," John says of Ling. Yeah, he's right. She's not thin enough to be amazing.
Larry and Ally yell at each other. Ally's face is wet as she says that she doesn't have to understand his point of view. Larry bellows that he's never loved anyone as much as he's loved Ally. His hair is disheveled and he looks lost as he embellishes on this point. "Sometimes love isn't enough," says Ally. Larry says something about how it actually is, once you reach a certain age or a certain number of miles or something.
I really thought this episode was going to end three scenes ago, but here we are in the courtroom again. The little girl who made fun of John's meekness testifies that Melanie is a goblin. John makes snipping motions at Little Girl Lucy. He asks if she's afraid of him. Lucy says that she is -- that she's worried John will cut off her toes. Then John asks if she's afraid of the judge. "I'm afraid he killed an animal to make his hair," is what comes out of the mouth of the babe. John says something about how enriched his life has become since he met Melanie. Melanie smirks in delight. Then the judge asks for her two cents and she ticklessly comes out with, "If any of the children consider me to be a monster, that can only come from a narrow-mindedness which is a much more dangerous and fundamental disability." She looks at Mrs. Milton when she says "narrow-minded." Ha. Get it? Get it? Ha! Mrs. Milton is fat! The judge, then, appropriately rules against her. HA, HA, Mrs. Milton! That'll teach your fat, intolerant ass!
Ally points out that Jamie will forever be part of Larry's life, since she's the mother of his child and all. Larry says that he'd been considering moving to Detroit or Canada to be with his son, but that he can't because the biggest part of him is Ally. And guess what -- he wrote Ally a song. Woo hoo. Can't wait. Let's hear the song that he wrote for the woman who made him stop caring about his son.
Lisa runs into the Fish & Cage lobby and demands to know what happened between Randy and Ling. Ling pretends to be gracious by lying her ass off and allaying Lisa's fears. Lisa is relieved in her ugly red suit.
Larry plays Ally's piano and husks the following:
Chances are you'll find me somewhere on your road tonight
Seems I always end up driving by
Ever since I've known you
It just seems you're on my way
All the rules of logic don't apply
I long to see you in the night [Tough note, there.]
Be with you till morning light
Ally rocks herself in her ugly hoodie jacket and then hugs him. Then we fade into The Bar and hear Vonda join in with:
I remember clearly how you looked the night we met
I recall your laughter and your smile
I remember how you made me feel so at ease
I remember all your grace and your style
Mark and Elaine dance, as do John and Melanie. We see Ling at Randy and Lisa's wedding. Then our retinas are seared with fuzzy shots of Ally and Larry, sweaty and naked in bed. John and Melanie dance some more and Ling ally-mcbeals down the sidewalk. Larry and Vonda finish the song in harmony, but I won't type out the lyrics anymore. I just wanted to give you enough to assure you that they sucked.