We're immediately given the lay of the land within the first few minutes this week. Nelle strolls into John's office in her '40s-wannabe trenchcoat and asks him to represent her father in a wrongful-termination suit. Her dad was a lawyer until he was sixty-five, when he became a teacher. He believes he's Santa Claus, so he got fired. Nelle doesn't know anyone better than John to handle such a case. Her dad walks into John's office all set up in his red fur suit. John greets him as "Mr. Claus." "Call me Kris," Nelle's dad invites cordially. Wow. I was worried that the writers wouldn't be able to think of another Christmas-themed lawsuit. They pulled through again, though.
Nelle is absent from the morning meeting, presumably because she's working on her dad's case. Everyone eats what looks like a buffet of fruitcakes. Ling uses chopsticks. I think that's pretty funny, considering that Lucy Liu hosted Saturday Night Live this week and satirized Hollywood stereotypes of Asians in her monologue. Richard announces that the company holiday party will be -- guess where -- at The Bar, but that after last year's fiasco, no one will be allowed to sing. Mark asks what happened last year. "Ally sang," says Richard. Blam! Ally protests that she sang well, but no one wants to relive that trauma. Elaine comes in to tell John that Nelle needs him urgently in the other room.
The urgency springs from the fact that Nelle's dad is all set to attend his injunction in Santa gear. John tactfully explains why this can't happen, and Daddy Claus leaves to change into a suit and tie. John takes the opportunity to ask Nelle if she's sure her father doesn't have Alzheimer's Disease. The doctor says that it's "some kind of weird schizophrenia" that's triggered at Christmastime. John wonders if Nelle should just accept her father's being fired. She can't, because teaching is his life ever since her stepmother died. I can't believe David E. Kelley isn't taking this opportunity to rail against the over-prescription of Prozac. You know how psychiatrists like Betty White are always wanting to give antidepressants to schizophrenics like Ally...
Larry Paul shows off his over-the-top holiday office décor to Ally. It is, of course, remotely controlled. There are strobe lights, music, flying reindeer -- all kinds of crap. Then Larry clicks the remote and the lights dim. A song from the Charlie Brown Christmas special plays as Larry and Ally kiss. Then Famke Janssen walks in rude as hell in a bow-printed dress and says, "Hi, Larry." Larry says, "Jamie!" and accidentally clicks back to the noisier room theme. Then Ally clicks it all off and Jamie says, "This is your office?" What a weird, stupid question to ask when she obviously sought out his office and then obviously found it. Larry introduces her to Ally as "an old girlfriend." Jamie points out that Ally must be the new one. It turns out that Jamie is a lawyer as well as Sam's mom. (You'll remember that Sam is Larry's son.) Jamie invites Larry and Ally out for coffee but Ally begs off. She and Larry kiss goodbye a million times for Jamie's benefit. "She seems really sweet," Jamie says after Ally leaves. I'm taking this as a forewarning that Jamie is a super-self-centered, psychotic über bitch. I mean, who else would find Ally sweet? She asks if Larry's happy and we get the soap-opera style "long stare in lieu of an answer" until the scene ends.
Renee admonishes Ally for leaving Larry alone with his ex. She thinks Ally should have "put that bitch back on a plane for Detroit." Ally explains that Jamie's in town for some lawyer work, because Jamie is of course a lawyer, because it's illegal to live in McBealian Boston without either practicing law or hiring Fish & Cage, or both at one point or another in your life. Renee is ready to go over to Larry's office and kick Jamie's ass herself. Now that's friendship. She points out all the cynical stuff she usually points out about men and how they can't be trusted. Her hair is more tightly curled than usual, but I like it. Ally has the nerve to grab Renee by her ear and tell her to stay out of it. I wish Renee would kick Ally's ass and then put that bitch on a plane to Detroit. She just uses her baby voice instead, though.
At the injunction hearing, John argues that Nelle's father was not a detriment to his second-grade class. The attorney for the defense argues that such a man can't be trusted around children. The judge -- Judge Alan Rancor -- keeps trying to get straight the fact that Nelle's dad thinks he's "the real" Santa Claus. John asks His Honor if he knows of a different Santa Claus. The judge tells John, "I'm not one of those judges you can get snappish with." John asks for one lousy hearing and tells the Judge Rancor that Santa Claus will bring him a toy. See, the judges say "no" to John's snappishness, but John knows that they really mean "yes."
John, Nelle, and Nelle's nameless dad trot down the sidewalk and oh-so-coincidentally happen to run into Ally, who is giggling like a loon, for some reason. Nelle only introduces her father as "my father," and then hauls him away. Ally takes the opportunity to apprise John of her latest romantic dilemma. John casts aspersions on Ally's decision to leave Jamie alone with Larry, even though it's only for one day. He ends up asking if Ally and Larry have been "biblical." Ally foams at the mouth for a while and then stalks into a crowd of Dickensian carolers. I bet you can't guess what she does to one of them. Did you answer "hits him in the face"? Well, you were wrong. She only shoves him. With no provocation whatsoever, Ally acts violently towards a stranger. I'm sure you're just as shocked and yet amused as I am. I bet you're saying, "Oh, that Ally! She's adorably incorrigible! No wonder Robert Downey Jr. loves her!"
Back at F&C, Ling tries to convince Richard to lip-synch with her at the company party. She says that he's the senior partner and she's "the First Lady," so they should "hog the spotlight." I guess if I were the senior partner's girlfriend, I'd feel the same way. I admit it. I wouldn't lip-synch, though. That's pretty lame. Unless you hire a choreographer to teach you the robot moves done by Britney Spears and the Back Sync Boyz, then lip-synching just isn't done.
Elaine wears a big fake flower under her collar while Mark asks her to accompany him to the company party. She asks if he won't be too ashamed of her and her promiscuity. He says he won't. She asks if he'd mind her wearing her Vibra. She's already wearing it and she demonstrates the way it now jiggles to an electronic rendition of "Jingle Bells." The understated look of horror on Mark's face is reminiscent of Harrison Ford in his younger years.
Ally sits on the floor in her office cleaning out a box of files. In the background there's a goofy-looking print of an old barn house or other building with a weathervane. It looks like something from a clinic waiting room. Larry walks in with a big Santa hat and thanks Ally for being such a good sport about Jamie. Then he drops a bomb: Jamie's flight isn't leaving until midnight, so Larry invited her to the F&C party. Ally uses CGI to imagine herself flinging Larry out the window. Then she plays it off like she doesn't mind that he invited Jamie along. She stipulates that Larry won't dance with his ex. Larry tells Ally that Jamie was the dumper in their relationship, so she can't be jealous of Ally. The piano cranks up as Ally turns away and Larry notes, "Not the answer you were looking for." I have to say that I'd be pretty fricking annoyed if I were Ally. Then again, if I were Ally, I would have had sex with Larry by now and the point would be moot.
The principal or someone is on the stand, and John is asking him in what way Nelle's father's delusion could be harmful. John's making his point pretty well until a little toy train rolls by.
Afterwards, John bitches out Nelle's father for bringing in the train. I guess the train wasn't as clever as John's water-pouring schtick or his cymbal-clashing monkey.
we see Daddy Claus's doctor on the stand. He claims that Nelle's father seems to have most of the symptoms of "schizophrenoform." That's like schizophrenia, but it only lasts for a little while. The good doctor tells us that Nelle's dad has suffered from this disorder during the holidays ever since his wife died. John ascertains that Mr. Nelle's Dad is not violent. The doctor says that his symptoms are increased generosity and kindness. "He's been more loving," testifies the MD. I wait for opposing counsel to object to such ridiculous, non-objective testimony, but they don't. Oh, well. Maybe I should register for that correspondence-course law degree program, after all. ["Hey, if Rosie O'Donnell can go to law school, you sure as hell can." -- Wing Chun] The doctor admits to the defense attorney that his patient's disorder isn't predictable. He reveals that one day last June, Nelle's dad thought he was Alvin of the popular '70s rock cover band Alvin and the Chipmunks. Nelle makes a face as if she just remembered leaving her oven on.
Ling sits in Ally's office and takes her turn at the "don't trust your man with his ex" spiel. Jamie shows up and Ling growls at her more than once. Ally literally shoves Ling out the door. Jamie allegedly just came by to make sure that it was okay with Ally that she go to the party. Ally acts all polite. Jamie is very wily and ascertains that Ally hasn't yet slept with Larry. I watch this and complain that any normal person would have told Jamie to mind her own freaking business. My dad points out that Ally doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize Larry's friendly relationship with Jamie, because he'll still want to see his son. I have to concede to my dad's good point. Don't worry, though; soon I will coax my dad over to the Ally-Hating Dark Side.
Later, Ally goes to Larry's office and complains long and loud about Jamie and her obvious plan to hook up with Larry again. Larry starts to call Jamie and tell her not to come. Ally backs down and tells Larry just to stay close to her. Larry wears a really ugly plaid jacket.
Nelle and John decide to work on their case through the staff party. John asks Mr. Claus if he's started making toys yet. He tells John that he's retired -- that Toys 'R' Us handles toy distribution now. Well, that makes sense. I guess Wal-Mart couldn't afford name placement in this episode. Nelle's dad points out that he, as Santa -- as a symbol -- is needed more than ever by the children of the world now. He glances at Nelle when he says this so that we can all realize what a bad ice-queen daughter she is. Okay, DEK. We got the point last week. Santa's needed as a symbol so you can sell more ad time. We get it.
At The Bar party, Renee wears red plunging cleavage and sings. She's supposed to be sexy, but her trembling lower jaw would have annoyed my voice teacher very much. Jamie points out to Ally and Larry that Renee's song is from Godspell. She goes on to inform Ally that she and Larry did Godspell together in college, that Larry played Jesus, and that she called him Jesus at home "after the second coming." At least, that's what it sounded like she said. Maybe I'm improving upon it a little, though. The resulting silence is quickly filled by Elaine complimenting Renee's singing. "Jamie," prompts Larry. Jamie apologizes to Ally. How embarrassing. Ally should just leave. Or she should pick up a hot guy. Something.
Back in court, Nelle's dad tells everyone that while he was in law school, he made toys in his sleep. He would be transported into another world during the night. He can't do it so often anymore, though, because he's retired. The defense attorney asks Nelle's dad to guess how many kids he has. At first Daddy Claus says three, but after being corrected, Daddy's able to name all four of the lawyer's children. The judge asks, "Mr. Claus, how many children do I have?" and Nelle's dad tells him he has a teenage son who doesn't like his father. The defense attorney accuses John of setting up a trick. John objects. The defense attorney gets Nelle's dad to admit that he tells his students that every day is Christmas. Daddy Claus explains that you can live every day as Christmas if you consider how much you love your friends, and not how much they love you, and if you do some other stuff that I stopped listening to.
Elaine sings "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" in this total dog-chow-looking zebra-print dress as Mark dances with Jamie. "She's pretty good," says Ally. "Well, she studied dance..." starts Larry. Ally tells him, "I meant Elaine," and he's all like "D'oh" and Ally's all like "What FRICKING ever." Larry asks if she's okay and she acts like she is.
Elsewhere in The Bar, Richard tells Ling that he doesn't want to follow Elaine with their act. "Richard, you heard us. We're good," says Ling "Natasha" Woo to Richard "Boris" Fish. Ling doesn't think the Bar patrons will be able to tell that they're lip-synching.
Nelle guilt-trips all over herself while John watches. She thinks her dad's schizophrenoform is her fault, because the two of them hadn't really talked since she was seven and still into Santa and the Chipmunks. John points out that Nelle's dad quoted a Henry Van Dyke poem in his testimony. Nelle says, "Teach me more, great guru. Let me sip from your font of wisdom." John takes out his Inspirational Sayings note pad and jots down a few stanzas and Confucius quotes for her.
Richard and Ling, who's now in a fedora, pretend to sing that "Hey Paul, Hey Paula" song while their co-workers and the tons of extras look on in repressed disdain. Jamie sneaks up to Larry and tells him that she lied. There was no deposition. She only came into town to hook up with Larry again. She still loves Larry, and Sam needs him. Richard and Ling plug on. Ally turns and notices Larry's and Jamie's tête-à-tête. Her face is sad, like a sad little frog's.
Renee sings "I'll Be Home for Christmas." What happened to the no-singing office party plan, huh? Okay, get ready for the best acting Famke Janssen's ever done... She tells Larry that she had to come to Boston because "there's something different about this Ally McBeal, isn't there?" She looks all broken up and desperate, as if Ally really is the most amazing woman on earth, or even in the running. "So now we know," says my dad. "This is the broad who put the cocaine in Robert Downey's room." Continued thanks to my dad for watching the show with me, even if he does actually seem to like it. Elaine bumps into Jamie, fakely apologizes, and informs Larry that Ally's left. Then she tells Jamie, "I'm not loving you so much." Then her Vibra plays "Jingle Bells." I didn't want to laugh, but I had to laugh. You understand, don't you? I've been under stress.
Somehow Nelle's dad's hearing is almost over. The defense argues that Daddy Claus is delusional. John argues that his delusion isn't harmful and that no one has proven that Nelle's father isn't Santa Claus. He paraphrases the "Yes, Virginia" letter extensively, talks about faith and new-born babies, and yammers about some other stuff, too, while the "touching" music plays softly. My dad points out that John claimed to have quoted the "New York Sun" and not The New York Times. We wonder if there were royalty issues.
Vonda sings "The Man with the Bag" while John and Nelle join Richard and Ling. With relish, Ling gives them the dirt on Ally.
Larry shows up at Ally's office to stop her fuming. Ally makes a speech about not having the right to be possessive. Larry tells her that Jamie wants to be a family again, and that he agreed -- that they should work it out any way they can. Ally gets all chokey and ready to impale herself on the letter opener. Larry goes on to say that there's no way he can work it out with Jamie, however, because he's "so totally in love with someone else." Ally perks up and Larry smirks. What a sweet guy, huh? It's so romantic when your boyfriend tortures you. Ally doesn't know what to say. She sniffs and sobs a bit. I'm just glad someone combed her hair. She's hardly annoyed me at all this episode. She's losing her touch. Jamie's on the way back to Detroit and Larry wants Ally to go back to the party with him.
After another brief fake-out, the judge rules in favor of Nelle's dad. Since there's been no harm done and there's a shortage of teachers, especially "magical" ones, and there's always a teacher's aide in the room anyway, His Honor sees "no basis for terminating a teacher's employment just because he's Santa Claus." My dad doesn't suppose that I can, in that last sentence, fit the Santa Claus initials in fancy script. I smirk. So does John as Nelle shakes her head in joyful wonder. After a long awkward moment, Nelle hugs her father and offers to walk him to her apartment. He mentions that she doesn't have a chimney. She ignores that. John says something sage as Nelle's leaving but I didn't catch it because my cell phone rang and I don't ever care about anything John says.
Vonda sings "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?" which happens to be my favorite non-Christmas Christmas song. Richard and Ling dance. Larry and Ally dance and Larry caresses Ally's upper arm bone. Nelle and her dad stroll down the sidewalk wishing they were cool like me and my dad. John gives a buck to a Salvation Army Santa, then ends up giving the rest of his money to several grabby homeless people. Jamie walks back into the bar, sees Ally and Larry all snuggly-wuggly, and walks out again. Damn, Famke Janssen is fine.
week: I recap the episode I didn't recap last year.