It's evening at The Bar and Larry Paul is trying to channel Bruce Springsteen. I can't understand the lyrics, but all the Bar extras are singing along. Kimmy's there with John and her mom, and she seems to believe that Larry has written the song himself, about her. John reassures her otherwise. At another table, Ally sits with Nelle and Ling, smarmily accepting compliments on Larry's singing.
Later, at another slumber party chez Ally, Ling nags Ally for not having slept with Larry. "He wants it," argues Ally. "Just not from you," Ling cold-hard-busts. Ally speechifies about the special place her relationship's at right now. She doesn't want to let a horny moment ruin the magic and all that crap. Then a blow-up doll contrivedly inflates itself in her bed. Everyone laughs like it's the end of an early '80s family sitcom. I guess just having a vibrator fall on the floor would have been too vulgar for this show. Oh, wait...sorry. I was getting Ally McBeal confused with a show that isn't vulgar.
At the morning meeting, Richard draws names to decide which of the Fish & Cagers will auction themselves off as dates for an upcoming charity auction. He draws his own name and Nelle's. He asks Ling to bid on him so he won't get "stuck with a beast." John interrupts to ask Ally if her "little squeezebox" Larry was singing about Kimmy the night before. John heard Larry sing "package deal" and "tell your mother to stop yapping." Ally points out that Bruce Springsteen wrote that song a long time ago. Nelle says something about John marking his territory, prompting John to call her Goldilocks. Nelle misses the opportunity to call John "Rumplestiltskin." These fairy-tale-character barbs are only cast so often, you know. Elaine bursts in to announce that Fish & Cage is being sued for sexual harassment by some guy called "The Peanut." He's their former library clerk, and it turns out that Elaine was the one who did the harassing. Richard assigns Ling and Mark to the case.
John goes into his office and vents his anger in a ridiculous way -- through the use of huge boxing gloves. Ally walks in and he complains to her about Kimmy's mom accompanying her on all her dates. Ally advises him to tell Kimmy that Marlo Thomas's presence is unacceptable. I hope John takes her advice, because looking at Kimmy's mom's nose job has been making my own nose hurt.
Richard, Ling, and Mark ascertain that Elaine repeatedly asked The Peanut to have sex with her. What's with the stupid nicknames on this show? Peanut, Biscuit, Fish, Whipper...I could come up with better ones. They probably wouldn't work well for network television, though. Then again, the language on this show isn't usual network fare, is it? How about these nicknames: The Penis, The Bitch-cuit, The Anus, and The Vagina? Assign them as you feel they're warranted. Elaine says she was kidding when she came on to The Peanut. She also got him to eat some of her edible underwear. Richard decides that this is a "real case," so he fires Ling and tells Mark to hire Larry Paul. Nice faith in your employees there, Richard. It's not that I blame you -- I'm just saying that maybe you could fire the slackers and hire real lawyers full-time. Put up or shut up, is all I'm saying.
Ling greets Nelle in the Unisex by lilting, "Hey, bitch. What's up?" She's off the Peanut case and ready to spend the afternoon shopping. Nelle mentions buying a dress for the date auction. Ling brags about how much money she herself would hypothetically earn for the charity. Nelle challenges Ling to join the auction so that they can compete. Ling says that Nelle would probably hire someone to bid more on Nelle than she's worth. The "friends" meow along in this fashion for a while, until the bell tolls and the pseudo-ominous symphonic music plays.
Vonda sings while Ally walks down the sidewalk in search of a comb. Exemplifying the Jungian principle of synchronicity, she runs into Larry. Oh, wait...sorry. That was the Kelleyan principle of indoor set conservation. My bad. Larry fondles Ally's ear and talks about his and Ally's communication as of late. Their conversation is made of the stuff that no one outside of the couple involved would want to hear. When I woke up, Larry was telling Ally about Richard hiring him for Elaine's case.
In the conference room, the Peanut complains about Elaine's use of his nickname. Mark points out that the Peanut has been called that since his youth. The Peanut's lawyer says something stilted about not being comfortable. He says it a million more times throughout the episode, and it's never amusingly quirky the way it's supposed to be, so forgive me if I don't mention it again. The group decides to have a deposition with a stenographer the day.
In the F&C lobby, Larry discusses the case with Mark and accidentally trips John in the process. John expresses his annoyance at Larry for singing "that little package deal" at the bar. Larry just looks at John like he's an idiot, because John is an idiot.
Kimmy shows up at F&C to hear John's little talk about her mother. Lo and behold, her mother shows up right behind her. John leads them to his office and lays it on them. He doesn't need an emotional chaperone. In her surprise and confusion, Kimmy is forced to bust out the eye tic. Kimmy's mom asks John to let Kimmy think about it. They leave and John gestures violently in a way that is, shockingly, still not funny.
In his office, Ling asks Richard if he thinks Nelle's physical charms could raise more money than hers. Richard says that of the women he's paid for, the blondes have cost more, but they never had Ling's warmth. Ling growls. I can't even think of commentary for such a lame scene.
At the deposition, Peanut complains that Elaine made him try on her face bra invention. Then he admits that he'd been on friendly terms with her until the week before. Then he claims that he was traumatized by the invention Elaine calls "The Vibra." Ugh -- not another invention. The wacky inventions on this show are getting tired, just like me.
Of course Elaine shows her lawyers the Vibra, which of course has a remote control. It involves lumpy fake breasts moving and projecting fake nipples. Cell phones cause the bra to move without the owner's consent. Larry and Mark are mesmerized by the display. As stupid as this scene is, I'm glad that it replaced the "penis" and "vagina" mantras for the week.
Nelle stands on a stage in a FREAKING ugly dress, smiling as the auctioneer calls out bids in the $3000 range. Renee and Ally are sitting in the audience waiting for Richard's auction, because Richard authorized them to bid up to a thousand of the firm's money for him. I didn't realize Renee was on Richard's payroll. I guess that moonlighting gig at the Bar wasn't panning out. No wonder she has to buy Wet & Wild black lipstick for ninety-nine cents and wear it in public. Some guy wins a date with Nelle for $6000. He looks familiar, like he's been on this show before. I'm too lazy to check the credits and the IMDb, though. I'm sure one of my clever readers will recognize the actor and tell us who he is on the forum.
Kimmy's mom shows up at John's office to plead for his continued tolerance on Kimmy's behalf. John says that Kimmy can meet him at The Bar that night to talk things over, and that either she'll trust him enough to go alone, or she won't. All I know is, she'd better not be wearing another fake flower for a brooch.
Richard walks on stage wearing navy and black and is immediately bid on by several gay guys. Not to be stereotypical, but what self-respecting gay man would want to date a guy in black pants and a navy shirt? A saucy sideburned gentleman wins Richard for $6500. I guess blonds cost more than blondes. Richard files off stage unhappily. Ling comes out in an ugly bikini-top-and-skirt ensemble. The bids are still going on past twenty thousand when the scene ends. "Walk on my back like you did to Tim Curry!" the bidders yell. "Be my dragon lady while Heart plays 'Barracuda'!"
Nelle takes her date to her office and gives him permission to talk to her for five minutes while she catches up on paperwork. She and the guy banter mock-angrily for several minutes so that they can set up the requisite sexually tense atmosphere. Nelle finally gives the guy a quick hug and a peck on the lips so he can get his six thousand dollars' worth. The guy sympathizes with Nelle for having an intimacy disorder. She hotly denies it, and then of course kisses him to prove that he's wrong. Then he tells her that intimacy is about receiving, not giving. I think he's thinking of the spirit of Christmas, actually, but it doesn't matter because the ploy works. Nelle commands him to kiss her. So they kiss, with tongue, and Nelle doesn't seem annoyed at all this time. I've learned something tonight from this show and the preceding episode of Boston Public: pretty women can be smart, but they can never be as smart as the pretty men who want to bed them.
Three hours later, Nelle and her date are still on their date, which is now taking place at the bar. Nelle has blown off work and is having "primal feelings." She wonders aloud if her date is dying or something, because she has a "rush" that he's living like there's no tomorrow. Or something. The guy, whose name I have yet to hear, asks how she'd want to spend the evening if she knew it would be the last time she ever saw him. Nelle grabs his head and lays another kiss on him. Well, that's nice. You two young people enjoy yourselves.
Still later, Nelle surprises Ling with the news that she and Date Boy had sex. Remember that Nelle has recently been saying that sex is icky. Considering that she was dating John, who can blame her? Who wants to be visualized as Barry White during sex? (Besides Barry White, I mean.) Now Nelle's all glowing and giggly, though. That is, she's glowing as much as she can in her ugly dress, and without proper nourishment. Richard runs in and begs Ling to help him. His auction date, Paul, wants to take him to The Bar that night. I guess Paul heard that every other person in Boston, including Tina Turner when she's in town, goes to The Bar, and he wanted in on it. Did I mention that Ling is also wearing an ugly '70s print halter dress in this scene? Richard complains that Paul finds him "special." Ling ignores him and yells, "Are you falling in love?" at Nelle. Nelle smirks and Richard exits in exasperation.
In John's office, Kimmy tries to haggle. She asks if her mother can sit at a nearby table during John's and Kimmy's date. Her problem borders on a disorder, she says. John asks if she's ever been with a man. "Of course not. I'm chaste," says Kimmy. ["Which, it must be said, only means she's faithful; it's not the same as 'celibate.'" -- Wing Chun] John wonders whether her acute sense of morality is a cover for her intimacy issues. She accedes that it might be. He tells her that it's time to take the leap. I don't know if he means that he wants to deflower her or what. "Will you catch me?" Kimmy asks. "I'll try," John answers. Hear that, Kimmy? Better bring your own condoms.
Mark tells Elaine that they should settle. They'll meet with Peanut the day. Elaine agrees to this and then asks if she'll see Mark later that night. He answers unenthusiastically. Elaine wants to know why he's being so cold. She wants the truth. Mark answers by clicking the remote and making Elaine's fake boobs move. I wonder if David E. Kelley fantasizes about remotely controlling every physical aspect of his lover. I wonder if he's tried the Real Doll. Mark has a problem with promiscuity in a "girl" he's dating. Elaine basically tells Mark to like it or lump it. A cell phone rings and sets off her bra so that the producers can get their money's worth from it. Elaine flings the phone. Larry emerges from the elevator to catch it and then asks Mark how long he's been dating Elaine. Since last week, Mark says.
Ally walks up and babbles to Larry about something or other. Kimmy runs up and asks Ally to go to The Bar that night as a mommy surrogate. Larry agrees on Ally's behalf. This contrived scene has no point at all.
Nelle and Date Boy dance at the bar and remark on the fact that they've now known each other for ten hours and thirteen minutes. I'm just glad she changed her dress. Date Guy mentions that he "sort of had to" count the minutes, but he doesn't say why.
The "lots of short scenes around The Bar" scene continues. Paul is leaning over Richard, saying that he's owed a dance as part of his date. Richard says he might do a "fast dance." I love that he uses "fast dance" as opposed to "slow dance," like we did in junior high. Richard is homophobic. He can show Paul a note from his doctor. Vonda pretends to pump up the jams and Paul drags Richard to the floor. He paws and spins Richard while Ling videotapes the magical moment. John and Kimmy dance until John notices Kimmy's mom hiding at the bar in a blond wig. He stalks off in a cranky mood. Paul drags Richard across the floor. Ally wants to know what Larry's thinking, but it's none of her business. Date Boy tells Nelle that she was right -- he's going away forever the day. It turns out that he's "that doctor in the paper" who euthanized one of his patients. He's going to jail for life, probably. Nelle is very sad. You can see her thinking, "Damn. Now I'll NEVER get over the trauma of dating John."
day in the Unisex, Nelle's told Ling the whole story. She's all heartbroken and stuff. Date Guy wanted to spend his last day of freedom with Nelle. Aw. Nelle tries to pretend that she's not in love. Ling tries to be a good friend, but I guess it doesn't work too well because she's out of practice.
In the lobby, Elaine wears the third '70s print halter dress of the hour. Richard comes in with shades and a cap, but everyone recognizes him, anyway. Kimmy and Mommy show up to apologize to John, but he isn't having it. The only thing worth noting in their portion of the scene is the fake fur scarf Marlo Thomas is wearing.
In the conference room, several attempts at humor fail. Then Larry brilliantly deduces that Peanut is in love with Elaine and that's why he's suing her. See, Peanut is one of the many, many people on this show who use court action to get romantic action. The Peanut complains that Elaine comes on to everyone but him. Elaine says (for Mark's benefit, really,) that she comes off as promiscuous, but that she only does skanky things to get attention. She asks if Peanut is suing her to get attention. Peanut says that everyone's her type except him, and it hurts. Boo hoo, what a waste of film.
Nelle sneaks into a courtroom in time to hear a judge sentence Dr. Date Boy Barrett to life imprisonment. The judge admires Dr. B., and she asks God's blessing for him, but he's still going to jail. After hugging his parents, he turns and sees Nelle across the crowded courtroom. She gives him what my dad astutely identified as "a brave smile." Thanks to my dad for watching this show with me and catching my vomit, just like he used to do when I was a baby.
Ally eats cappucino foam and discusses Elaine's case with Larry in her office. Ally doesn't care about her good ol' alleged friend Elaine, though. She passive-aggressively compliments Larry on his intuition when it comes to other people. He says stuff about opening up to each other and not wanting to move too fast in their relationship. Ally lets him off the hook and they kiss. The side of Larry's head is almost twice as wide as the side of Ally's. Ally offers to cook him dinner that night. He says okay and I yawn.
Most Contrived Scene of the Hour: Cindy walks into Richard's office in an absolutely hideous turquoise animal-print coat. He hides behind his desk. She inexplicably says, "One date with a gay man and you're already going down on your desk?" Going down on his desk? Can someone tell me what the hell that means? I know what "going down" means, but what does it have to do with desks, and what do desks have to do with gay men? ATTENTION WRITERS: Do you guys even have sex? Do you understand the mechanics of it? Can you please flip through some anatomy books and at least try to make jokes that don't sound like the half jokes fourth-graders mishear at their parents' parties? Come on. You people need help. Okay, so anyway, it turns out that Cindy hired Paul to bid on Richard. She says his humiliation was worth $6500 to her. She apologizes. Richard says "no biggie," that Paul was nice and a good dancer.
Mark stops Cindy on her way out and asks if she's seeing anybody. She isn't. He's all spellbound by her loud-ass coat. She smiles bittersweetly and leaves. Elaine sees it all. Mark walks over and asks her to dinner. She says she tries not to date men on the rebound. Mark sighs because he knows that he's just embarked on another demographic-pandering subplot that will only end in tears.
That evening, Vonda mutilates Bob Dylan's "Just Like a Woman" while John sits in his office and stares into the distance. Kimmy and Mommy walk down the sidewalk holding hands and smiling. "Good riddance," they seem to be thinking. Ally falls all over Larry in her kitchen. Cindy "aches just like a woman 'cause she breaks just like a little girl." Elaine puts on this BITCHIN' scarf made of gray fur pompons. It's so cool that I don't even mind that the wardrobe mistress obviously found a two-for-one special on fur scarves that week. Doctor Date Boy gets hauled into the cops' van while Nelle watches from the sidewalk, as sad as can be. I'm rolling my eyes just like a woman, and I'm yawning just like a little girl.
week: Larry wears the ugliest jacket in the history of the show, but his ex-wife wants him back, anyway. Ally whines about it, and that's it. Great -- an Ally-centric episode. Can't wait. UGH.