Previously on Ally McBeal: Ally annoyed me and Nelle looked a little like Bette Midler with her hair up like that.
At her apartment, Ally watches an instructional video about kissing. Renee spies on her for a while before asking what the hell Ally's doing. Ally confides that her third date with Larry is coming up and they still haven't kissed. She wants it to be perfect. Renee says that on the third date, they're supposed to sleep together. She makes fun of Ally for being thirty and needing a video on how to kiss. Ally feels like she's never kissed a man before in her life. She frets that she sometimes gets dry mouth, too. Quit sucking your napkin, then, you dumbass. The two women watch the video and follow its instructions. They tilt their heads and open their mouths. They also stick out their tongues. At this point, I think about the character I created on Diablo. She's a bard and can cut off two monsters' heads with one sweep of her sword. I can't help but notice that Ally and Renee are in the perfect position. Swoosh! Two tongue-monster heads on the floor! The guy on the video says to keep your tongue in your mouth. He says to put your lower lip on the guy's upper lip and make "a slight sound to indicate your pleasure." Ally and Renee say, "Mmm..." I knew I should have decapitated them when I had the chance.
After many shots of phallic buildings around Boston, we see Ally hugging herself, pinching her nose, and jittering in the elevator. Vonda sings, "Everybody loves a lover." Smirking like a freak, Ally opens her office door to find Kimmy standing there. There is the obligatory record-scratching sound and, without further ado, Kimmy sets up her plot line. You'll remember that she's a lawyer, like ninety percent of the population of Boston. She was removed from the "partnership track" at her old law firm six months before. She's suing her former employer, and the trial's the day, but Kimmy's lawyer has mysteriously disappeared. So of course she wants to hire her enemy, Ally. Not only that, but Kimmy's former employer hired Larry Paul to defend him. Ally makes her fish-eye face.
In another room, Ally has explained the situation to Richard and is trying to wrangle out of it because of the conflict of interest. Richard doesn't see it her way. He wants mo' money, mo' money, mo' money, so he tells Ally to take the second chair and gives the case to John. John is hanging upside down behind them, like Grandpa Muenster but not as appealing. Richard shoves Ally off with the order to take the retainer for the "brotherhood" of the firm. Then he turns and asks how John's doing. I can't help but notice that he's in the perfect position to kick John's head like a soccer ball. Inexplicably, though, he doesn't do that.
Ally, having no other work to do, has run over to Larry's office to tell him that she's accepted Kimmy's case. He's unperturbed. Ally asks him to tell her what he's thinking and he says, "It's too embarrassing." She presses him, and he comes out with, "I'm really...All right, I'm just gonna say it...For whatever reason, I am really self-conscious about my butt and the way that you stare at it. It could be distracting in the courtroom." Ally promises she won't stare at it. "Gotcha," says Larry. Heh. Ally was so busted. Then he says that it's okay, because he stares at her butt all the time. She wants to know why. Before I can yell something derogatory at the screen, Larry says that he got Ally again. Hee. He's so funny. Too bad he's wasting it on Ally McBeal. He informs her that Kimmy was denied partnership because she's a prude.
John, Ally, and Kimmy confer. Kimmy says that her former employers told her that she was too puritanical to get along with others. John starts up his stupid lip twitching from last week. Kimmy asks what he's doing and Ally fills her in on the bristle story. Kimmy has an eye tic that acts up when she's stressed. She thinks John is cute, like a hamster. I think Kimmy's eye tic is indicative of vision impairment.
Ally bothers Ling in the Unisex. Ling is wearing a really weird white sweater. From the front, it looks like a regular old sleeveless turtleneck from Chadwick's. In the back, it's nothing more than the collar and two spaghetti straps. I guess you could say that it's a handkerchief sweater. Ally brings up the fake lesbian kiss she shared with Ling last season. She wants kissing advice. Ling tells her not to plunge with her tongue. "The key is discipline," she says. John walks in, and Ling grabs his head to demonstrate. She keeps shoving John's head back so she can describe the various maneuvers and motivations. Then she kisses him for several seconds longer than necessary. Her head twists back and forth and her spaghetti strap falls off her shoulder. Richard of course walks in. John's nose whistles throughout. I saw Charlie's Angels twice this week. I hope Lucy Liu can hurry and climb out of this shit hole of a show. Ling shoves John away so that Ally can have a turn. "Hey, I'm not a kissing test dummy!" he yells. "Oh, sure. Now you protest when you have to kiss her," says Ling. Heh. Ally angrily shoves John and he runs out the door. "That's unacceptable!" says Richard. Ling doesn't seem to care. "My movie grossed $75 million last week. You losers can kiss my ass goodbye," we see her thinking.
Later, Richard throws a tantrum, and Ling explains that she was only trying to help. John walks up to apologize. Richard calls him "Judith." John corrects him, and Richard pushes the Judas like boys do when they want to start a fight on the playground. John pushes him back. Richard is flustered. Ling still doesn't care. It would have been nice if Richard had beat the crap out of John, but I guess that can't happen. The McBealian Universe would implode without the man created in the image of David E. Kelley.
Ally's asking Mark about the best kiss he ever received. It was from his teacher, when he was in ninth grade. He tells how she kissed all the students goodbye on the last day of school. She knew that Mark had a crush on her. She squeezed his hand and slipped him the tongue. After she kissed him, "she gave [him] this look -- a knowing look -- and said..." And then Larry and his client walk in, and we don't get to hear the rest of Mark's story. Ally rudely walks away from Mark and over to Larry, who tells her, "Once again, do not get agitated. Let me do the talking. You have to stay quiet." Ally nods complacently then realizes that she's an idiot. "That's three for me," says Larry.
In the conference room, Larry tries to get Kimmy to admit that Mr. Peterson was right in not considering her for partner. John fires up his annoying water-pouring act. Horns play and bells toll as if he's unveiling some brilliant strategy. Reaction shots abound. Ally smiles and wriggles in her chair. John asks Mr. Peterson if he wants his firm to be perceived as a company that likes its women loose. He gets all up in Mr. Peterson's face as he makes this point. Larry rolls his chair over to them and tells John, "Can you please lean back? We can see the bristle on your lip." John twitches said lip and gives Ally a dirty look.
Outside the office, John yells at Ally for telling Larry about the bristle thing. Richard sticks out his foot and trips John. John falls to the floor. "Demonstration," Richard says. Wait...I didn't see that. Can he do it again?
At The Bar, Renee sings in front of Vonda on the stage. She's wearing a low-cut v-neck that shows her very large breasts to...um...advantage? She has some white strings or threads hanging from the middle of her bosom. When she moves, the tops of her breasts jiggle like Jell-O. Sorry -- I hate to use that cliché, but it's a cliché for a reason. Renee's breasts are gelatinous in this scene. Ally and Larry dance and mildly argue about Kimmy's case. Ally changes the subject, trying to be casual as she asks if it's their second date. "Ally! It's our fourth!" says Larry. Ally quickly corrects him, showing that she's been obsessing over the subject. Then she calls the score: four cold-blooded disses for Larry, none for her.
At one of the Bar tables, Elaine does some soulful chair dancing. Mark dryly says, "Elaine, by any chance, would you like to dance?" She tells him, "Um...sure," and away they go. Mark does that funny jogging-arms dance that some boys like to do. It's okay, though. He's still one of the least annoying characters on the show.
John and Kimmy have a little tête-à-tête in his office. He advises her to change her demeanor for the trial the day. He wants her to mellow her voice and loosen up with her clothes. I didn't say this before because I was so disgusted by last week's episode, but I really like the way Kimmy dresses. Aside from the big fake flower she's wearing in this scene, she's been working the early '60s suit-and-pearls thing to advantage. I like it. She looks fresh. She's retro-stylin' in a good way. Ally and Nelle have been tackling the '70s from opposite ends, and they look like crap. Elaine sometimes tries for the '40s bombshell look, but the dresses are cheaply made and never fit her right. Ling's all over the timeline. Kimmy is a breath of fresh (recycled) air, so it makes sense that John E. Kelley would tell her she doesn't look right, doesn't it? He highlights his advice to Kimmy with a detail from his Loser Teen Years. Then he patronizes her with, "There's a wonderful girl in there, Kimmy. I know it. You just have to bring her out." Hey, John, just because Dr. Kimberly had sex with you a few weeks back, that doesn't mean you're Capt. Kirk now. Get back to work!
Ally leads Larry into her apartment. He's saying that he can't stay because he actually has to try a case the day and not just sit at the table. Ally keeps swigging water and gargling when he's not looking. She waits for him to kiss her. He looks sort of like Gabriel Byrne without his glasses. He touches her hair and wishes the night didn't have to end. Ally wishes that, too. She closes her eyes. He kisses her on the forehead. They bid each other goodnight, Larry leaves, and Ally bangs her head on the wall. Why can't there -- just once -- be a big metal spike jutting from it?
Then the Victoria's Secret commercial bastardizes the score from BladeRunner and I can't hold back the vomit anymore. That's okay. I was trying to lose weight, anyway. I want to be beautiful and important, like Ally. I thought up a song. I should have sung this last week, during the slumber party, but I wasn't thin enough to think of it in time:
Look at me
I'm Ally McB
Lousy with false modesty
I'll suck on my hand
'Til I snag me a man
I'm beautiful Ally McB!
It's the morning, and I hate to keep harping on this, but Renee's breasts look bigger than ever. I don't even know how she found a sweater to fit her chest and her waist so snugly at the same time. It must be ninety-eight percent Lycra or something. Ally's going on and on about how disappointed she is about Larry, but I can't pay attention because I keep staring at the inverted triangle that is Renee's torso. She must have had the sweater custom made. Ally says, "I'm a lawyer, I'm independent, I've got the world at my fingertips, and I am woman. And if he doesn't love me, I don't know what I'm gonna do." Hey, I have a suggestion! Oh, forget it.
Richard is still angry with Ling. He claims that women hook up with men because men have money. When Ling goes around kissing other guys, it makes Richard look like he doesn't have money. Ling says that women are attracted to what they don't have. I thought she was going to tell him, "I'm already independently wealthy, idiot," but instead she says, "I have you, honey," and the scene ends. Whatever.
In court, the new, not-really-improved Kimmy is on the stand. Her hair is only loosely pulled back now. She's wearing a blazer over a t-shirt and she speaks languidly. She tells John and the jury that Mr. Peterson discriminated against her because she didn't drink and slap her knee at racy jokes. Larry brings up several instances of Kimmy imposing her conservative values on her coworkers. Her eye starts twitching. We learn that she was arrested for protesting a local showing of The Vagina Monologues. The jury is distracted by Kimmy's tic. I realize that they haven't said "penis" at all so far. It's going to be hard to catch up with "vagina," though. Maybe someone will sue a gynecologist week.
Outside court, Ally bitches at Larry for being harsh on Kimmy. She Freudian slips, "It's a trial. You don't expect to butt lips a little? Foreheads! Heads! Opposing sides butt heads!" What a dork. She runs off, and John tells Larry, "She gets emotional. I'd go after her." Whatever. "I don't do that," says Larry. John tries to be pithy and comes out with, "No, I suppose if you did, it'd make it harder to live life alone." Considering the alternative in this case, I can't say that I blame Larry.
Nelle and her Brittney Spears uniform are sharing the Unisex when Richard mopes in. Nelle advises him to use a song or persona like John did with Barry White. "It'd have to beat being yourself," she tells him.
Mr. Peterson testifies that Kimmy was too judgmental and therefore made people uncomfortable. John rapid-fire questions Mr. Peterson. He makes the point that Kimmy was a good lawyer and made a lot of money for the firm, but that there was no room for a pious virgin at Mr. Peterson's firm. Larry declines the opportunity to redirect, and John ruins any advantage he may have gained by telling Mr. Peterson, "Even your own lawyer has no use for you." Shut up, John. For the love of all that's pious and virginal, or even penal and vaginal, please shut up.
That night, Ally bothers Larry at his office. She apologizes for being upset earlier. She admits that she was disappointed he didn't kiss her. I have to admit that I was impressed with her honesty, for once. Larry explains that he didn't want to rush things. Ally thinks they should cool their relationship because of the trial and all. Larry tells her not to run from him. He tells her that he's been in one bad relationship after another and he wants this one to be right. Ally confides that she's been obsessed with the idea that she's forgotten how to kiss. Larry asks if that could be symbolic of the fact that she's forgotten how to love. Okay, this is my stop. Let me off here. I want to make way for the unicorns and the show tunes...Ally says, "Well. I don't know whether I should feel sorry for myself or whether I should be offended or whether I should be happy that I met someone who can see into me or whether I should walk out on a guy who has no idea who or what I am." Or you could just shut up, Ally. There's always that. Larry tells her, "Well, I guess that's your call there." Ally says it's crazy to try to work this out while they're working against each other on a trial. She peels out, leaving Larry to say, "I talk too much," to himself and his chair.
John's closing statement is about Kimmy's Loser Teen Years and how she spent them preparing to be a lawyer. "Believe in God? Well, you keep it to yourself. Frown on pre-marital sex? Well, the joke's on you," he tells the jury. "The virtuous -- how can we respect them? They're just stupid. They miss out on all the good stuff." Yeah, especially if they're fat. John sarcastically says that Kimmy was silly for thinking that she could succeed through hard work alone. His closing was actually pretty good, for once.
Larry's closing is all about Ally. He talks about a woman who's afraid to succeed and who builds a shell around herself. "Everything could have worked out here. All she had to do was let it." Of course you know he's going to win because he was speaking to Ally's heart and the whole show is a figment of Ally's imagination, anyway. I've finally figured it out. Now it all makes sense. I have to admit that if I hallucinated a law firm, fat chicks would occasionally win cases and my coworkers would date transsexuals with impunity. I guess that's why there's no show called Gwenny McZeal -- it wouldn't be enjoyed by a low enough common denominator.
In the Unisex, Richard dances to imagined James Brown and then to "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer. He can't get his groove on until he thinks of Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual." He spins his jacket and throws it on the floor. Ling's been watching all the while. She emerges from her stall and tells him he's "acting out." Richard tells her their relationship's gone tepid. He wants it hot. Ling makes the growl noise at him and asks if he can handle her hot. "I. Want. It. Hot," he tells her. He knows he's sexy because he drinks $300 bottles of wine and drives a Mercedes. Ling circles him, making more growling noises. Then she pretends to bite his face, just like Eric Knox did to Dylan in Charlie's Angels. "All right, Richard. It'll be hot," she says. Richard looks more frightened than aroused as he goes into a stall for reasons I don't want to guess.
The jury finds in favor of Mr. Peterson. Kimmy admits that it was the right verdict. Then she asks John to have dinner with her, and he accepts. They do their facial tics together.
Ally runs out of the courtroom to find Larry but he's gone. Renee jiggles up just in time to ask her what's wrong. "Billy told me once that I was incapable of ever being happy. Was he right?" she asks. Renee fails to comfort Ally when she points out that Billy also thought his brain tumor was just a headache. Yeah, that was real classy, Renee. Then she says that Ally has something good to lose, meaning Larry. I wish Ally would hurry up and lose him, then, because I feel sorrier for Robert Downey, Jr. every week.
Ally's working late when Larry calls. She chats casually and then says, "Yeah...we should get together sometime. That would be good." Then she tells him goodnight, hangs up, and sulks. Vonda sings some shit about remembering love being an ember. Larry walks in, startling Ally. He used his cell phone, you see. He comments on her "get together sometime" comment and asks if he's expected to just wait around until she "get[s] with the program." He's not afraid of their relationship. Ally tells him that he's only seen the tip of the "neurotic iceberg" and that she's demented. "What else?" he asks. She says she's self-absorbed, vain, and beautiful. Um, Ally, you're on TV. We can see you, you know. She says that she may be incapable of letting herself be loved. Larry's willing to work on that. They kiss. He says, "I think you remember how to do it." Ally burrows in his chest and he holds her tight, all night, feeling so right, etc.
Richard and Ling dance at The Bar. They rub their faces together in a way that I guess is supposed to be "hot." Kimmy dances stiffly with John. Elaine and Nelle sit and watch. Nelle looks pissed as hell, too.
Ally and Larry dance some more in her office. "I'll see you tomorrow, right?" she asks. He says she will. "And the day after that?" she says. He agrees. We fade into an overhead shot of them dancing some more, and then the show's over. What -- no walking down the sidewalk? What a rip-off.
week: Ally and Larry buy a Christmas tree and then sit at a piano together. Gag! Kimmy and John tic together some more. Ally is shocked that someone said there was no Santa Claus. GAG. Mark asks Elaine out and then asks if she has a penis, just to be certain. Larry tells Ally that she'll be "stunned" by the capacity she has to love somebody. Gag, gag, gag.