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B+
This episode starts where we left off last week. Ally's sitting at the restaurant table with Michael, his son Jonathan, and his daughter. Ally reacts so blatantly when she sees the two men that their daughter/sister immediately knows what's up and says, "Oh my God." Ally's voice-over wishes that she could have a "poise delay" remote control for moments like this. We see her pull out a remote and click it. Jonathan is introduced again and this time she smoothly explains that she's been dating both men without knowing they're father and son. Then her voice-over reminds us that she doesn't have a remote like that. "I have to pee," ladylike Ally says. The others look at her in shock and disgust, and then we hear the new, unimproved theme song.
Back from the restroom, Ally voice-overs that one day, she'll look back on this and either laugh or cry. Before she can make it to the table, some woman named Kimmy Bishop calls to her. Kimmy is played by Muffy from Square Pegs. The women hug. Kimmy introduces Ally to "the girls," who are also "the officers of The Women of Virtue Bar Chapter of Massachusetts." Kimmy is the president of said organization. She tells her friends that Ally was "voted Biggest Prude" for three years in a row, and that she tried to recruit Ally for their "Christian Coalition." Kimmy was so jealous of her. Ally says, "I almost joined, Kimmy, especially when you promised me that free spermicide underneath the table. But when I went down there to get it, I found you munching away on my boyfriend." Kimmy gasps and her friends frown. Ally excuses herself to continue her date with a "father and son team." She tells the women that tonight her dates brought the sister, "so things could get pretty wild." There's more gasping as Ally leaves. When will people learn that Ally is a vicious psychopath who lashes out with no provocation whatsoever?
Michael tells Ally that he's going to remove himself from the equation. Jonathan argues that he'll be the one to opt out. Then he leaves. Michael apologizes and leaves the table as well. They should keep going until they're out of Boston, I think. Otherwise they won't be safe.
At another slumber party, Ally tells Renee and the other women from the office what happened. She doesn't blame the guys, because she herself wouldn't want to date a man who was attracted to her mother. "That's different. Your mother's an old, wrinkly thing. Michael's at least half-cute," says Ling. I wish the writers would stop basing the characters on kids they knew in junior high. Most women grow out of that shallow, catty stage when they hit fourteen. Some don't, but they aren't the ones who have friends and get invited to slumber parties. Oh, wait -- grown women don't throw weekly slumber parties, do they? Or maybe the shallow, immature ones do. That explains it all, then. Elaine doesn't see why Ally can't date both father and son. Nelle agrees. The doorbell rings. It's Jonathan. He stands in the doorway and apologizes to Ally, unaware that her so-called friends are watching and listening. He says, "I wanted to make love to you as soon as I saw you sitting at that table. Even now..." He continues to lie in this manner for a while before noticing that there's a goofy male fantasy sequence going on in Ally's apartment. Then Ally promises they'll talk about it later and Jonathan leaves.
Ally walks down the street voicing-over some crap about everything in life happening for a reason. She's stopped by Kimmy, who is disappointed that Ally's become "such a coarse person." She hopes Ally never finds a man. Ally fantasizes about hitting Kimmy in the face. I fantasize about paying someone to hit Ally in the face while I watch a show that doesn't suck. Kimmy informs Ally, "I'm suing you for defamation, you total bitch." A nun walks by just in time to hear that. Kimmy apologizes to her and crosses herself. "She's put on a little weight and her diaphragm is pinching," Ally whispers to the nun. That's not even funny. Reruns of Falcon Crest would be more exciting than the attempts at cat fights that take place on this show. Ally calls Kimmy a witch and then walks off and crashes into Larry Paul. He's wearing a lavender shirt with a brown tie and overcoat. It isn't very pleasing to the eye. (Insert your own witticism about Robert Downey, Jr., being pleasing to your eye. He's attractive enough, I suppose, but not someone about whom I have elaborate CGI fantasy sequences. I want you all to feel comfortable in your lust, though.) While Larry talks, Ally rudely gawks around to find the source of the music that's suddenly playing. It's coming from inside your too-large red hat, Ally. Larry asks about Brian. Ally gratuitously tells him all about her father/son dilemma. "Well, if you need a sympathetic ear, I can fake it," says Larry. The opening bars of "My Girl" start again as he somewhat stiffly walks away. Ally bumps into another guy and hits him several times with her fists and her bag. Then she smiles at Larry, who isn't even looking at her anymore, from afar. Her victim runs over to Kimmy to ask about switching to a class-action suit. Just kidding. I wish he had, though.
At the morning meeting, Ally explains that she's being sued by Kimmy Bishop. Richard remembers Kimmy from law school. She had "stones of her own," he says. Mark walks in and makes an annoyed face. Richard promises that they weren't talking about Cindy. Nelle picks that moment to "bring up an issue." She admits that it's cold-hearted, but she feels that Mark's relationship with Cindy will embarrass the firm. "It's not gay rights. It's a circus act, and it's disgusting!" she says. She also uses the term "man missile." Ling smirks and John chokes on his beverage while eating a big plate of pretzels or unwound cinnamon rolls or something. Mark says, "It's my private life, it doesn't involve this firm, and this conversation is over." You tell them, Mark. Richard tries to talk about business again, but Elaine announces that Michael is waiting in Ally's office. In addition to trying to practice law, Richard should get Elaine and the lawyers to sell magazines and snacks to the constant stream of social visitors. They'd probably rake in enough to cover all the cases they lose due to personal bias.
“ Um...yeah. A size-eighteen woman can't expect sex from her husband, and Ally's the most amazing woman on earth. I guess that's as believable as anything on The X-Files. ”
As she closes her office door, Ally shows us the back view of her tight red pants. Now I feel silly for complaining about the lavender and brown. Michael apologizes for running off the night before. He and his son agree that Ally "might be the most amazing woman on earth" and that it'd be a shame if one of them couldn't snag her. Um...yeah. A size-eighteen woman can't expect sex from her husband, and Ally's the most amazing woman on earth. I guess that's as believable as anything on The X-Files. Ally doesn't know Michael or Jonathan well enough to choose between them, so she says she'll continue to date them both. She won't "exchange saliva or bodily fluids" with either until she's "narrow[ed] the field to one." She tells Michael she'll have a date with him that night and then pushes him out of her office. Then she bangs her head on the door and repeatedly voice-overs, "I'll look back and laugh." Yes, and future television audiences will look back at reruns and laugh at the silly generation that kept this show on the air.
In the Fish & Cage lobby, John expresses surprise that Ally intends to date both men. Ally says something about the dearth of good men and how a guy might turn out to be an escaped convict or even a woman. "Hey, lay off it. Could you do that, please?" says put-upon Mark as he passes. Richard points out that Thanksgiving dinners would be awkward if Ally ended up marrying one of her boyfriends. "This is private, Richard," Ally pouts. Then why are you talking about it in front of everyone at your work, Ally? Richard informs us that Ally's wages are being garnished and held in escrow due to Kimmy's lawsuit. Ally runs off in a snit to have Elaine type something.
Nelle runs into Cindy getting off the elevator. She gasps loudly, saying that Cindy startled her. While Mark and Cindy make plans to meet for lunch, Nelle frantically pushes at the elevator buttons, causing the alarm to go off. I guess she doesn't realize that she could get transsexual cooties being in the elevator so soon after Cindy. Mark and Cindy kiss while John and Richard watch in disgust. Cindy gets back on the elevator, which Nelle is somehow still on. "My penis makes you nervous," Cindy tells her. Nelle looks aghast as the door closes. I bet they had sex during the commercial break.
Ally barges into Larry's office. "Let me guess," he tells her. "The son has a twin." She says that she wants to hire him for her defamation defense. He assumes that she's checked out his credentials. She bobs her head to "My Girl." He bobs along, waiting for her to snap out of it. She ascertains that he wants the job, thanks him, and starts to leave. He has to prompt her to tell him about the case. She does her stupid-ass giggling routine and then tells her version of what happened with Kimmy. Larry asks if Ally's wealthy. She's offended until he explains that he has a professional reason for asking. Then he asks if she's ever been married. "How is that relevant?" she says. He says that it isn't, that he just wanted to know. Larry wants to go to court immediately to show Kimmy that they aren't messing around. They make their plans. Then Larry tells Ally (Hey, that rhymes with When Harry Met Sally!), "The son will probably live longer."