This episode starts where we left off last week. Ally's sitting at the restaurant table with Michael, his son Jonathan, and his daughter. Ally reacts so blatantly when she sees the two men that their daughter/sister immediately knows what's up and says, "Oh my God." Ally's voice-over wishes that she could have a "poise delay" remote control for moments like this. We see her pull out a remote and click it. Jonathan is introduced again and this time she smoothly explains that she's been dating both men without knowing they're father and son. Then her voice-over reminds us that she doesn't have a remote like that. "I have to pee," ladylike Ally says. The others look at her in shock and disgust, and then we hear the new, unimproved theme song.
Back from the restroom, Ally voice-overs that one day, she'll look back on this and either laugh or cry. Before she can make it to the table, some woman named Kimmy Bishop calls to her. Kimmy is played by Muffy from Square Pegs. The women hug. Kimmy introduces Ally to "the girls," who are also "the officers of The Women of Virtue Bar Chapter of Massachusetts." Kimmy is the president of said organization. She tells her friends that Ally was "voted Biggest Prude" for three years in a row, and that she tried to recruit Ally for their "Christian Coalition." Kimmy was so jealous of her. Ally says, "I almost joined, Kimmy, especially when you promised me that free spermicide underneath the table. But when I went down there to get it, I found you munching away on my boyfriend." Kimmy gasps and her friends frown. Ally excuses herself to continue her date with a "father and son team." She tells the women that tonight her dates brought the sister, "so things could get pretty wild." There's more gasping as Ally leaves. When will people learn that Ally is a vicious psychopath who lashes out with no provocation whatsoever?
Michael tells Ally that he's going to remove himself from the equation. Jonathan argues that he'll be the one to opt out. Then he leaves. Michael apologizes and leaves the table as well. They should keep going until they're out of Boston, I think. Otherwise they won't be safe.
At another slumber party, Ally tells Renee and the other women from the office what happened. She doesn't blame the guys, because she herself wouldn't want to date a man who was attracted to her mother. "That's different. Your mother's an old, wrinkly thing. Michael's at least half-cute," says Ling. I wish the writers would stop basing the characters on kids they knew in junior high. Most women grow out of that shallow, catty stage when they hit fourteen. Some don't, but they aren't the ones who have friends and get invited to slumber parties. Oh, wait -- grown women don't throw weekly slumber parties, do they? Or maybe the shallow, immature ones do. That explains it all, then. Elaine doesn't see why Ally can't date both father and son. Nelle agrees. The doorbell rings. It's Jonathan. He stands in the doorway and apologizes to Ally, unaware that her so-called friends are watching and listening. He says, "I wanted to make love to you as soon as I saw you sitting at that table. Even now..." He continues to lie in this manner for a while before noticing that there's a goofy male fantasy sequence going on in Ally's apartment. Then Ally promises they'll talk about it later and Jonathan leaves.
Ally walks down the street voicing-over some crap about everything in life happening for a reason. She's stopped by Kimmy, who is disappointed that Ally's become "such a coarse person." She hopes Ally never finds a man. Ally fantasizes about hitting Kimmy in the face. I fantasize about paying someone to hit Ally in the face while I watch a show that doesn't suck. Kimmy informs Ally, "I'm suing you for defamation, you total bitch." A nun walks by just in time to hear that. Kimmy apologizes to her and crosses herself. "She's put on a little weight and her diaphragm is pinching," Ally whispers to the nun. That's not even funny. Reruns of Falcon Crest would be more exciting than the attempts at cat fights that take place on this show. Ally calls Kimmy a witch and then walks off and crashes into Larry Paul. He's wearing a lavender shirt with a brown tie and overcoat. It isn't very pleasing to the eye. (Insert your own witticism about Robert Downey, Jr., being pleasing to your eye. He's attractive enough, I suppose, but not someone about whom I have elaborate CGI fantasy sequences. I want you all to feel comfortable in your lust, though.) While Larry talks, Ally rudely gawks around to find the source of the music that's suddenly playing. It's coming from inside your too-large red hat, Ally. Larry asks about Brian. Ally gratuitously tells him all about her father/son dilemma. "Well, if you need a sympathetic ear, I can fake it," says Larry. The opening bars of "My Girl" start again as he somewhat stiffly walks away. Ally bumps into another guy and hits him several times with her fists and her bag. Then she smiles at Larry, who isn't even looking at her anymore, from afar. Her victim runs over to Kimmy to ask about switching to a class-action suit. Just kidding. I wish he had, though.
At the morning meeting, Ally explains that she's being sued by Kimmy Bishop. Richard remembers Kimmy from law school. She had "stones of her own," he says. Mark walks in and makes an annoyed face. Richard promises that they weren't talking about Cindy. Nelle picks that moment to "bring up an issue." She admits that it's cold-hearted, but she feels that Mark's relationship with Cindy will embarrass the firm. "It's not gay rights. It's a circus act, and it's disgusting!" she says. She also uses the term "man missile." Ling smirks and John chokes on his beverage while eating a big plate of pretzels or unwound cinnamon rolls or something. Mark says, "It's my private life, it doesn't involve this firm, and this conversation is over." You tell them, Mark. Richard tries to talk about business again, but Elaine announces that Michael is waiting in Ally's office. In addition to trying to practice law, Richard should get Elaine and the lawyers to sell magazines and snacks to the constant stream of social visitors. They'd probably rake in enough to cover all the cases they lose due to personal bias.
As she closes her office door, Ally shows us the back view of her tight red pants. Now I feel silly for complaining about the lavender and brown. Michael apologizes for running off the night before. He and his son agree that Ally "might be the most amazing woman on earth" and that it'd be a shame if one of them couldn't snag her. Um...yeah. A size-eighteen woman can't expect sex from her husband, and Ally's the most amazing woman on earth. I guess that's as believable as anything on The X-Files. Ally doesn't know Michael or Jonathan well enough to choose between them, so she says she'll continue to date them both. She won't "exchange saliva or bodily fluids" with either until she's "narrow[ed] the field to one." She tells Michael she'll have a date with him that night and then pushes him out of her office. Then she bangs her head on the door and repeatedly voice-overs, "I'll look back and laugh." Yes, and future television audiences will look back at reruns and laugh at the silly generation that kept this show on the air.
In the Fish & Cage lobby, John expresses surprise that Ally intends to date both men. Ally says something about the dearth of good men and how a guy might turn out to be an escaped convict or even a woman. "Hey, lay off it. Could you do that, please?" says put-upon Mark as he passes. Richard points out that Thanksgiving dinners would be awkward if Ally ended up marrying one of her boyfriends. "This is private, Richard," Ally pouts. Then why are you talking about it in front of everyone at your work, Ally? Richard informs us that Ally's wages are being garnished and held in escrow due to Kimmy's lawsuit. Ally runs off in a snit to have Elaine type something.
Nelle runs into Cindy getting off the elevator. She gasps loudly, saying that Cindy startled her. While Mark and Cindy make plans to meet for lunch, Nelle frantically pushes at the elevator buttons, causing the alarm to go off. I guess she doesn't realize that she could get transsexual cooties being in the elevator so soon after Cindy. Mark and Cindy kiss while John and Richard watch in disgust. Cindy gets back on the elevator, which Nelle is somehow still on. "My penis makes you nervous," Cindy tells her. Nelle looks aghast as the door closes. I bet they had sex during the commercial break.
Ally barges into Larry's office. "Let me guess," he tells her. "The son has a twin." She says that she wants to hire him for her defamation defense. He assumes that she's checked out his credentials. She bobs her head to "My Girl." He bobs along, waiting for her to snap out of it. She ascertains that he wants the job, thanks him, and starts to leave. He has to prompt her to tell him about the case. She does her stupid-ass giggling routine and then tells her version of what happened with Kimmy. Larry asks if Ally's wealthy. She's offended until he explains that he has a professional reason for asking. Then he asks if she's ever been married. "How is that relevant?" she says. He says that it isn't, that he just wanted to know. Larry wants to go to court immediately to show Kimmy that they aren't messing around. They make their plans. Then Larry tells Ally (Hey, that rhymes with When Harry Met Sally!), "The son will probably live longer."
Mark finds John hanging upside down in his office. Mark wants an "honest, open-minded, grounded opinion" about his relationship with Cindy. "Dump it," says John. "He, she, whatever. Dump it." Instead of telling John to go to hell, Mark says that he knows he could never have sex with Cindy. Huh? Then why has he continued to date and kiss her?
Okay, this just supports the theory I came up with last week right after I e-mailed my recap to Wing Chun. My theory is that, at the last minute, David E. Kelley rewrote last week's final scene between Mark and Cindy. Maybe someone complained and he was afraid to offend people other than women, so he had Mark continue to see Cindy. I say this because during his scene with Richard, Mark acted grossed out and didn't want to use a feminine pronoun to describe Cindy. That was incongruous with his later claim that he couldn't see her as anything other than a woman. I believe that DEK decided to pretend to tackle homophobia for one episode, but not to such an extent that all his homophobe fans would stop watching the show. In this episode we have Mark dating Cindy but not having sex with her. We also have Richard, John, and Nelle making fun of Mark while the rest of the firm passively watches. Also, Mark likes Queen. I submit that he is the token non-homophobe on the show. His subplot with Cindy was slapped on to appease all those pesky viewers who, strangely, don't hate and fear gay men.
John screams, "She has a penis!" in his grating, prissy voice. He wishes he could say that he was tolerant enough to support Mark, but he can't say it. I wish I could say that homophobia wasn't commonly accepted anymore, but I can't say that, either.
In court, Judge Walsh listens to Larry's reasons for wanting Kimmy's case dismissed. Larry argues that remarks about a woman's chastity are no longer considered slanderous and that the suit itself is discriminatory because if Ally had said such things about a man, no one would care. Kimmy's lawyer points out that Ally's remarks were slanderous, considering that the audience was professionally virtuous women. This is the first time Larry's heard that detail. He looks disconcerted. Ally just tells him, "Whatever." What a stupid bitch. Judge Walsh denies Larry's motion for dismissal. Larry quietly yet angrily tells Ally that he can't work with her if she's going to keep pertinent information from him. She voice-overs, "It's when he got strict with me I knew I liked him.[sic] I hope this doesn't mean deep down I wanna be spanked." She just smirks at Larry. I wish that I could afford to go to court just so I could flirt with people or show off my sexual prowess. Someone does that every single episode. It's like legal fees don't matter to these people as long as they can hit on lawyers or talk about their own breasts on the stand. Larry tells Kimmy that he wants to take a deposition from her later. Then he grabs Ally by the arm and she gets off on it. Ally would annoy me ten percent less if she'd just brush her hair.
John apologizes to Mark for his rude remarks about Cindy. He excuses himself with a little story from his youth about a transsexual he accidentally dated once. Shut up, John. Why is it that his loser teen stories are supposed to make us sympathetic, while everyone else on the show gets judged according to their looks? At this point Mark should say, "When I was in high school, I had sex with a fellow football player, and all the other members of the team found out and beat the crap out of us. Afterwards, I only dated men who disguised themselves as women. Cindy reminds me of the golden days of my youth." Then John would have to say, "Damn! He played the high-school trauma card. I lose!" Instead, John tells us that he used to date a woman with a bleached mustache. He claims that a therapist helped him accept his girlfriend. He suggests that Mark and Cindy see the same therapist. All the while, John's twitching his upper lip at the memory of this woman's mustache, so I don't see how the therapist helped him, but whatever. People who use cream bleach, note that you have just been declared losers. Please join the fat women, the gay males, and the icy blondes over at the far end of what is generally accepted. Wait there until the end of the hour.
Ally morosely watches Michael and the whole restaurant sing that stupid song about Neil Diamond declaring his existence to a chair. Her voice-over tells us that she's not fantasizing about him or his son. Her lack of a napkin confirms this, thankfully.
Ally sits on Renee's bed and complains. Renee asks why she hired Larry and not her own roommate and best friend. Ally admits that she thinks Larry is "yummy." Renee informs Ally that Larry is married. She checked. Ally tries to act like she's not crushed and then she Freudian-slips, "I should probably go kill myself" instead of "prepare myself." Good plan. She bangs her head on the door. Harder, Ally. Harder!
Ally shows up at Larry's office for their deposition. He tells her that he's scheduled it at her office because he doesn't have a conference room. She speaks to him rudely because she's mad that he's married. She claims to be upset about the lawsuit and the fact that she's dating a father and son. Larry tells her to continue to date them both, that the world won't end. "Certainly not yours," says Ally. He doesn't know what she's talking about. He's so silly. Didn't he know that all their antagonizing was actually foreplay and that he cheated on Ally when Renee said that he had a wife?
Louie Anderson conducts a group-therapy session with Mark, Cindy, and several other couples. He babbles about mental and emotional disparities as the camera pans to show us an old woman with a young man; a fat woman with a midget; a large woman with a short man; and a woman with Siamese twin males who are joined at the foreheads. Then the scary music plays, and we see Cindy hailing a taxi. "I am not a freak. What the hell was that? A blob, a midget, a man with two heads?" she says. Mark finishes, "A woman with a penis." Cindy says that if Mark thinks of her as a freak, they should break up. I guess this is the part where we're supposed to stop sympathizing with Cindy because she's so prejudiced. Except that she's acting just like all the other characters on the show. So maybe we're supposed to sympathize with her more...? I'm so confused. Let's just move on.
Ally and Larry show up at Fish & Cage. Elaine shakes Larry's hand and then sniffs her fingers. Larry instructs Ally to stay quiet during the deposition. Nelle asks who Larry is. "I don't know -- some guy who has yet to drool all over me?" Ling answers. Larry tricks Kimmy with his questioning. He asks if her colleagues think of her as a chaste person, and if they could be wrong about that. Kim vehemently states, on tape, that there's no way the other women would ever have believed the slanderous remarks Ally made. Larry thanks her and gets up to leave. Kimmy's lawyer is chagrinned because Kimmy just ruined the case with her big mouth. Larry is too clever to date Ally.
Vonda and the Vondettes sing a song about change while Ally tells Jonathan all about how groovy Larry was in the conference room. Then Larry comes into the bar with Nelle, who is way overdressed. Ally runs off to make a scene, and Elaine takes the opportunity to make eyes at Jonathan. Ally claims she needs to talk to Larry about their settlement conference. She takes him aside and tells him that it's inappropriate to date Nelle when he's married. Larry informs her that he's divorced. She does her stupid giggle and he mocks her facial expression hilariously. Nelle walks up to reclaim Larry. Elaine has cocktail-garnish sex with Jonathan, sucking on her maraschino cherry in front of him until Ally chases her away.
Mark and Richard are having another heart-to-heart. Richard is saying, "Women should be obscene and not heard. Fishism. And Cindy is obscene..." when Cindy walks through the door. He makes a frightened noise and then tells her, "I was just trying to represent the homophobic viewpoint, 'cause I know it's out there." He leaves. Cindy asks Mark if he thinks of her as a freak. He says he thinks of her as aberrant. She reminds him that the other night he thought of her as a woman he wanted to continue seeing. Mark just busts out with, "I could never be sexual with you, Cindy." He admits that he may be influenced by others' opinions. She says they should be adult about it and admit that it's not going to work. They say goodbye. Cindy opens the door, and eavesdropping Richard falls through it. She says she wants to thank him for everything he's done, and she does so by grabbing his head and giving him a long kiss on the mouth. There's a weird growling sound effect as this goes on. Then Richard runs through the lobby with the noise of a pig squealing. I guess it was supposed to be funny that Cindy took advantage of his homophobia. Maybe I just have a lame sense of humor and that's why I didn't even smile.
Still at Fish & Cage, Nelle asks Ally if Larry's shown up for their meeting yet. Ally imagines biting off Nelle's head and spitting it out. Then she yells, "You're late!" at Larry, who's just walked off the elevator. Nelle winks at him, making a chiming sound. Ally drags him away. Ally's so cute when she's unwarrantedly possessive. No wonder men call her the most amazing woman on earth.
At their settlement meeting, Larry has Ally apologize to Kimmy. Ally does so very reluctantly. Then Larry agrees that Ally will pay Kimmy's attorney fees. He actually has several funny lines in this scene. I'm not going to transcribe them because, at this point, you're probably recording the show and then fast-forwarding through everything but his scenes, anyway. Instead of being relieved to get off with such a light settlement, Ally is upset like the little whiny baby she is. She yells at Larry. He remains calm. She says "Nelle and void" instead of "null and void." She says that he'll probably see Nelle that night. He says, "Actually, no. I'll be with her mother." She tells him to go. He says, "I don't want to go. I want you to ditch the father and son act. I'll declare Nelle void. We can have dinner tonight." "Done," says Ally. Okay, I was wrong. Robert Downey, Jr., is hot. He made that scene work with a costar who couldn't possibly inspire any chemistry at all. He is hot lust on a stick.
Ally voices-over the break-up for us, which we see and don't hear. She talks to Jonathan and Michael for a while at The Same Old Restaurant, and then they're gone forever. Then, at The Bar, Ally picks at her hair in front of Larry while Jeffrey Osborne and Vonda sing "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me." Then Larry and Ally dance. At another table, Ling rags on Nelle for getting dumped for Ally. Nelle tries to play it off. "I don't appreciate you bringing that candy-ass into this bar," says John. He says something about lawyers marking their territory. No one wants to hear his crap. Richard sprays himself with breath spray several times. Ally dances with Larry and makes her supposed-to-be-sexy faces. His face is impassive. Elaine and Renee watch them. CGI steam comes out of Elaine's nose. Ally and Larry do some fake flirty talk and then Ally tells him to shut up and puts her arms on his shoulders. They don't kiss, though. RDJ narrowly escaped that one.
Ally walks down the sidewalk and voice-overs, "The thing about walking alone -- it allows you to reflect on the day. And I couldn't wait to reflect on this one. But I guess that'll have to wait." Then the camera pulls back, and we see that Larry's walking with her. He's holding her hand and has his arm around her waist. I'm so sure. No... you know what? I blame Molly Ringwald for this.