It all started with a voice-over. Ally explains how she came to start dating an older guy. He's her client, a normal-looking fifty-something-year-old man. They're finalizing some paperwork, and Ally asks him a bunch of stupid questions about his life-embracing smile. "I'm not sure why," she voices over, "but I wanted some of what he had inside him." Even though they're always talking about penises on this show, it didn't seem like Ally meant semen when she said that. I couldn't be absolutely certain, though. The man asks Ally to dinner. Her voice-over says, "I accepted my very first date with an old person." Way to kick off another shallow episode, people. Give yourselves a pat on what must be a thin, taut, smooth-skinned back.
Ally walks down the street and voice-over babbles about how she's in her thirties, and men are picking up on the fact that she wants a date, and blah blah. Some guy bumps into her and then asks her out. He's wearing glasses, though, so I think that means he doesn't merit Ally's notice. Maybe if he'd insulted her he would have had a chance. Ally says she needs to buy a new dress for her date. The guitar indicates that this was supposed to be funny.
Ling is meeting with a client who seems to be a perfectly normal-looking woman in her forties. Her name is Wanda Spickett, and she wants to sue a Ph.D.-carrying "relationship guru" for causing her divorce. I put on my Kelley Vision Spex so I can see how Wanda will do with her case. Hmm. Wanda's not thin, she has a few lines under her eyes, and her blouse isn't tight. Translation: she's a dog who deserves to be humiliated. She doesn't have a baby voice, either. She has a loud Northeastern accent. Maybe she should just die. Wanda complains that she followed all the relationship advice the doctor gave at the seminar, and her husband still left her. Nelle walks in and listens as Wanda relates the advice the doctor gave. It was that women should be submissive, greeting their husbands at the door with slippers and fellatio. Wanda says that her husband compared receiving fellatio from her to "walking a high wire," because either way, he didn't want to be looking down. I don't get it. That can't mean that he doesn't want to look at Wanda's face, because he has to do that all the time if he's married to her, right? Maybe it means that the sight of his own penis disgusts him. That's all I can figure out. Ling asks her client, "Are you sure he didn't leave you just for being unattractive?" Wanda and Nelle look at Ling in shock for less than a second. Then, instead of saying, "You're fired, you rude, unprofessional excuse for an attorney," Wanda says, "It was the putrid advice I got from that guru. I want to sue her." And there you have the setup for the Case O' The Week.
Richard follows Ally into her office and tells her about Cindy being a transsexual. He says that Cindy has "so many nice qualities -- one of them is a penis." Ally opens her mouth in shock. Richard goes on to ask if he should tell Mark. The whole time he's talking, Ally stays still with her mouth open. Finally she repeats what Richard said, because they haven't yet reached the "penis"-uttering quota for the first quarter of the show. (I believe that they're trying to say it more frequently each subsequent episode.) Richard says, "Yes. It's not right."
We see Boston at night while Ally voice-over yammers that you'd think Mark "would win the contest for having the biggest problem." She adds, "But these aren't ordinary times." So I'm guessing that Ally's going to meet up with a really big problem of her own. She's sitting at a restaurant table, picking at her lip and waiting for her "old person" date. Up walks the guy who played Josie Grossie's hot teacher on Never Been Kissed. He's looking tired and a little greasy. I guess the show has that effect on actors. There's some confusion about the guy's table -- the waiter thinks Ally's sitting at it. Ally gawks at the guy and voice-overs some tripe about how she can't have the "beautiful young thing" because she's on a date with someone else. Because otherwise, you see, she'd be sure to have him. Men can't resist Ally McBeal. He could be married, gay, or a legal minor, and it wouldn't matter. Within moments he'd be servicing her in the car wash -- no doubt about it. Happens all the time. It's just something about Ally, I tell ya. The guy's led away by the waiter and Ally's tongue oozes onto the table with a little help from the computer-generated imaging that made this show famous. (Is there a software company we can sue for that?)
Michael the Old Person finally shows up, explains that he was late because of his environmental-issues case, and orders a bottle of Cristal. Ally voice-overs that she's happy to be with a guy who doesn't care about money but has plenty of it. Whatever. I'm really not appreciating the voice-over thing. It's just a way for the writers to pack more of Ally's annoying opinions into each hour. What's ? I know. They can put a little box in the corner of the screen like the ones where people used to do sign language, but instead it'll have Ally fingering her mouth. They can run that all through the hour, whether Ally has a subplot on-screen or not. Oh, and they can replace all the closed-captioning captions with "penis penis penis." I think it's the obvious step, don't you? Ally tells us that she and Old Michael have no interests in common besides disco. She claims that she was a little girl when disco was popular. No...I was a little girl when disco was popular. Ally was several years beyond that. Oh, wait...they're pretending she's thirty this season, aren't they? Sorry -- let me get my disbelief re-suspended. Oh, shoot. It fell down again. Oh, well.
Renee works her second job as a singer at The Bar. She sings "Nightlife" while Ally and Michael dance. Mark dances with Cindy. John dances with braless Elaine until Nelle walks up and rudely drags her away. Nelle asks Elaine to go to the relationship guru's workshop the day. Elaine asks why Nelle doesn't enroll in it herself. "Elaine, if I showed up saying it was hard for me to hold on to a man, don't you think she'd be a tad suspicious?" Instead of saying, "Look, Nelle, just because I'm part of the support staff, that doesn't mean you can talk to me like that," Elaine just smiles. Nelle rephrases, saying they really need Elaine to go to the seminar and take notes for the case. Elaine agrees after Nelle says "please." They turn to watch Ally and her date. "Who's that old thing with Ally?" Nelle asks, as if she didn't date John all last season. The old thing spins around while Ally bites her knuckles and jitters like a junkie.
Michael walks Ally home. She and her voice-over suddenly notice "hardbodies" all around her. There are literally men walking shirtless on the street sets of Boston in autumn. I can't tell if Ally is supposed to have a hardbody, too, or if her thinbody somehow warrants her a date with one. I stop worrying about it when she says that she was in for something unexpected. I wonder what it could be? It must be something really shocking if it's bigger than Mark's plotline, right?
Vonda sings about "that boy" and "this boy" while Mark and Cindy dance some more. Cindy says that she's had relationships end abruptly. Mark promises that he isn't going anywhere. They dance and kiss as Richard and Ling watch AGAIN. Ling shoves a napkin into Richard's mouth. I can't tell if she wants him to stay quiet because she cares about Mark and Cindy's privacy, or if she's just waiting for gossip fodder.
Ally, Renee, Ling, Nelle, and Elaine are having another improbable slumber party. This time Elaine's in a tank top and bikini panties. Ally makes a comment about the slumber parties being a weekly affair, and she says they're no longer necessary to cheer her up. Oh, but why waste such a good, not-at-all-contrived plot device? The women talk about their opinions of and experiences with older men. Elaine had a man die of a heart attack in bed with her once. Good for her. She nuzzles against Ally for no reason at all. She and Nelle talk about Wanda Spickett's case. It's decided that the two of them and Ling will all attend the seminar. The topic changes, and Renee asks about Ling's secret for keeping Richard. "Tell us, please!" the girls whine, huddling together at the head of Ally's bed. All five of them are literally in Ally's bed, rubbing together in their flimsy nightwear. That really does happen all the time, you know. I mean, it doesn't happen to me, because I'm fat, and the thin chicks I know only want to play Lipstick Lesbian Slumber Party with other thin chicks. But I also have large breasts, so sometimes I wear a tight red top and speak in a baby voice and my thin friends let me watch and make sassy comments. The Ally McBeal writers have us pegged, all right. We women love to touch each other's bodies and talk about penises. Ling confides that she tapes hundred-dollar bills to her "privates" and wears them all day long. Then at night her naked body smells like money and it drives Richard wild. Elaine and Nelle smile, and Renee and Ally grimace. Enough talk. Let's see the lesbianism! Oh, but the scene ends, instead. That's all right. We all know what happened after that, don't we?
In a pink room decorated with lots of pampas plumes, Nelle, Ling, and Elaine attend the "How to Satisfy a Man" seminar. They listen to the "guru," played by Florence Henderson, talk about how boys were breastfed and pampered as children. That's why they need pampering now, she says. Okay, I'm not going to get all into how stupid her seminar is, because it's obviously just a satire, but I do have to point out that girl infants are breastfed and pampered, too. Ling says she's taping the doctor's speech. She and Elaine are wearing ugly retro-print polyester blouses. Elaine's is open to her sternum. I guess the art director wanted to create an interesting juxtaposition between them and Carol Brady. Or maybe they wanted to remind us to see Charlie's Angels this week. In this scene, Nelle could pass for Cameron Diaz and Elaine's hair looks like that of Drew Barrymore. Florence goes on and on about how women fail at home because they want autonomy. She sings some stupid song that goes, "Make him your reason for living, give him all the love you can give him..." I guess it's a real song because most of the women in the room, including Elaine, sway and sing along. I've never heard it because my parents didn't let me listen to propaganda in the '70s. Florence walks into the audience and sings right to Nelle, who drags her cohorts from the room.
In the Unisex, Renee and Ally rudely gossip with each other through their stalls while Cindy spends several years washing her hands. What is Cindy doing in the Unisex in the middle of the day? Her case is over. Why is she there? Maybe she was in the neighborhood and she wanted Mark to see her sassy polka-dotted georgette blouse. At the sinks, Renee tries to convince Ally that it's okay to date two guys at once and to lie to them, too. She's saying that dating is about lying in order to get a second date. She turns to Cindy for support. Renee's told guys that she's still a virgin and that she's "never even seen a peppermint stick." Cindy gets all mad, assuming that Renee knows her secret. She runs off with Ally on her heels.
Ally drags Cindy into her office and assures her that Renee doesn't know her secret. Cindy is outraged by Richard's lack of ethics, since he obviously told Ally. Ally advises Cindy to tell Mark the truth. Cindy says, "I didn't ask you what you think, Ms. McBeal. And forgive me, but public opinion has never been a big influence in my life." Ally says that Mark's in love with Cindy, that everyone can see it. Cindy looks all bittersweet sad, yet hopeful.
Ally tells Elaine her dating plans for the week. She forgot what day it was, so she's double-booked herself for the evening. Elaine takes fiendish pleasure in this until Ally realizes that she has plenty of time to meet Michael for dinner and then Jonathan for drinks. Ally runs off and crashes into Mark, who looks really cranky. He says he's getting a vibe that Cindy's about to dump him. She wants to have a serious talk and it sounds ominous. Ally does her stupid Freudian slip of the week: "There might be circumcisions you don't know about. Circumstances!" Shut up, Ally.
Florence Henderson, whose character's name is Shirley Grouper, gets off the elevator with her lawyer. She yells, "This is ridiculous!" as Nelle leads her to the conference room.
At her dinner with Michael, Ally says, "Six o'clock -- is this when old people usually eat?" Instead of getting up and leaving, Michael laughs. Ally starts up the napkin sex routine. She asks if he's lied to her yet. (Don't worry about the logistics. Just go with it. I'm going to get us through this incredibly stupid scene whether it makes sense or not.) Yes, Michael has lied to her. He hates disco. He likes Neil Diamond. Ally stutters and makes rude remarks. She really should get her Tourette's diagnosed. Michael used to play keyboards in a band. Ally tells him to play her a song on the piano. Man, why don't they just build a karaoke-bar set, already? They know they want to.
In the conference room, Dr. Shirley Grouper rants about how she's never put down the working woman. What does she look like -- "a welfare blob?" Nelle questions her about her counseling. Shirley says Wanda should sue society. Then she says, "Honey, I don't know you personally, but even at first blush, I am picking up on so many things to dislike. What you need to go out and find a fat guy with no teeth. The man with no other choices -- he is your demographic." Gee, I guess I can't be annoyed with David E. Kelley and his writers. They didn't say those misogynistic things -- Florence Henderson did! They're just showing us how women think. We should thank them. Nelle says that they're going forward with the lawsuit. Shirley inexplicably calls Nelle a Pokemon then says that if they go to court, Wanda will be embarrassed. The jury will find out that her husband left her because he "got his eyesight back." Shirley isn't afraid because the jury will find her "lovable." Ling just stares at Shirley, presumably agreeing with her. Should I even bother to comment further on this scene? Surely by now everyone can see what tripe this show is. However, I'm afraid to hear from people who loved the episode, who say things like, "Haw, haw, Mrs. Brady sure told that fat bitch what was up!" I feel the need to break down all the reasons that this scene was annoying and wrong. Then I realize that if people thought it was right to begin with, my words won't change that. The fans of this crap won't be the kinds of people who take the time to read and think.
Cindy shows up at Mark's office that night in a little black dress. Mark asks what she wanted to tell him. Cindy chickens out, saying that she just wants to go out and have fun instead of talking. She says "please," and Mark says "sure," and they kiss. Richard walks in and then back out again.
At The Restaurant where all the characters go with their dates before they go to The Bar, Michael plays "Sweet Caroline" with the house band. The whole restaurant sings, just like they did during last season's finale, but this time, implausibly, it's not a hallucination. Ally rubs the napkin all over her gaping mouth. Go throw yourself into a pit, Ally.
Then we see Ally dancing with Jonathan in The Bar. Renee sings "Mr. Big Stuff." Ally voice-overs for several hours. Renee sings to them and then to Mark and Cindy, who are also dancing there, because there are still no other bars in Boston. Okay, here comes the scene where Cindy very inappropriately informs Mark that she's a transsexual. He asks her what's wrong and to give him a clue. "Hold me close," says Cindy. "Closer." Mark grabs her butt and then feels her penis against his, apparently. "Surprise," says Cindy. Mark freaks and stumbles out of the bar. Cindy stands on the dance floor and looks really sad. "Maybe I should have just told him in private, like any normal transsexual would have done," we see her thinking.
The day, Mark discusses his trauma with Richard, who just wants to say one thing. Richard's looking all serious, like he did in the episode where Billy died. He starts, "It's not easy, finding a person to love in this world. Whoever you end up with -- she won't be perfect." The piano starts playing. Richard continues, "Cindy is beautiful. When people see you with her, they're more impressed with you. What I'm trying to say is: don't dump her. Use her as bait..." The piano warps here. "...to attract other beautiful women. Ones without meat whistles." Mark runs out of the office. "Nobody loves a sage," says Richard. It was terrible, but it made me laugh.
Wanda tells Nelle and Ling that she doesn't see why they need to talk to her ex-husband. Nelle says, of Shirley, "As horrible as this woman is, she's pretty on-target." I say this every episode, but I hope Wanda's not paying them very much.
Elaine gives Ally some flowers that Jonathan brought over. He's in the Unisex. Elaine says, "There are probably three decent guys in this town. You've got two of them and Mark's got the other." Mark overhears this as he passes and is annoyed. "He took it hard," says Elaine, smiling. Well, I guess it's nice that everyone at the office knows now and can joke so casually about Mark's private life. Michael shows up to ask Ally to dinner. She acts really stupid because now both her boyfriends are in the office. She whispers to Elaine to detain Jonathan in the Unisex. Michael wants Ally to meet his kids at dinner that night. Jaws-esque music plays as Elaine physically keeps Jonathan from leaving the restroom. Ally accepts Michael's offer and then pushes him into the elevator as Jonathan drags Elaine across the floor. The scene is not funny at all, in case you thought maybe it was for once. Jonathan tells Ally, "You are so beautiful." How strange. He's not even fat or toothless. They make a date for the evening.
Nelle and Ling question Mr. Spickett. Through the use of contrived scripting and CGI, we learn that Mr. Spickett left Wanda because of her overbearing personality. It wasn't until she became submissive, as per Dr. Shirley's advice, that he got the courage to dump her. The lesson we learn: if Wanda had been submissive all along, she could have earned the love of a fat, bald man with teeth. Mr. Spickett leaves. Wanda bursts in and asks what happened. Nelle advises that she drop the case. "Just let it go, Wanda," says Ling. She and Nelle put on their compassionate faces. Wanda looks dismayed. If Ling and Nelle were real lawyers, they would have offered Mr. Spickett a cut of the settlement money for testifying the way they needed him to.
Mark walks to Cindy's doorstep. She's surprised to see him. "Sorry I ran off. I always do that when a girl seems too happy to see me," he says. Cindy pretends to laugh. Mark apologizes again, and then asks her if she has plans for the evening. "What are you saying?" she asks. "I can't see you..." says Mark, "as anything other than a woman. A woman I want to continue to see." OH MY GOD. I was so totally shocked when he said that. I totally could not believe it. I'm still shocked, in fact. Cindy cries with happiness. She and Mark hug. Okay, but I stand by my earlier assertion that this will all end in tears, humiliation, and offensiveness. Or, hey, maybe it won't, since Cindy's thin.
I bet you can guess what happens on Ally's date, can't you? Michael's son turns out to be Jonathan. Ally's nose whistles and we get the "TO BE CONTINUED" black screen. So that's the big problem that Ally's voice-overs kept alluding to all episode? That was worth a "to be continued"? Whatever. Let me just say that once more, this time for the whole series: Whatever. This show sucks.
week: John says "penis," Ally makes a joke about a woman gaining weight, and Larry Paul goes on a date with Nelle.