A few hours before this episode aired, I received my issue of Entertainment Weekly in the mail. The first thing I did (after turning to page 85 and reading the glowing review of MBTV) was smirk at the cover. I noted the way Robert Downey, Jr., made a fist instead of actually curving his hand around Calista Flockhart's back. "Here we go," I thought. "I'll read between the lines and get all the dirt on how much these two hate each other!" But there was no dirt between the lines. Calista and Robert had only the gooiest compliments for each other. Greg Germann compared the two of them to Cary Grant and Carole Lombard. I can't tell you how disappointed I was. I'm not normally one for celebrity gossip (I prefer gossip about in-laws and online personalities instead,) but I have to say that I'll be keeping a close eye on the tabloids this week for a scoop more to my liking.
This week's episode starts with an unrealistic slumber party. We have Ally, Renee, Elaine, Georgia, Nelle, and Ling eating popcorn and watching a horror movie. I thought Renee didn't like Nelle. I thought Nelle didn't like Elaine. I thought no one but Renee and Nelle liked Ally. Why are these women pretending to be friends? They might as well have invited Whipper and that redheaded navel fetish girl, as well. Maybe they did, though. Elaine is telling the others that they shouldn't be looking for lovers in the workplace. Ling, inexplicably wearing a black and white feather boa, is prompted to use the term "dumbstick." Then she points out that Ally can only love someone who makes her miserable. Ally denies this and starts to go on and on about her now-defunct relationship with Brian. The other women are mesmerized by the TV screen. When the woman on it gets stabbed, they scream. Ally screams and throws her popcorn bowl into the air. Oh, darn. Now she won't have anything to eat. Ling rewinds the video to watch the stabbing in slow motion. She says that they organized the "stupid slumber party" to cheer up Ally. Ally asks if Ling thinks she's desperate. Ling says they're all desperate: "Five gorgeous women, Halloween night, parties all over town, you're dateless. That's pathetic." Renee turns the question back on Ling. Ling says she has her Richard. Then she giggles as the woman in the movie is stabbed again. It's supposed to be funny. Somebody remind me -- when was the last time this show was actually funny? I don't feel like digging through last season's archives and then recalling that it was actually the Season Two reruns I chuckled at once, so long ago.
At the morning Fish & Cage meeting, Richard's giving Ally condolences on the whole firm's behalf over her breakup with Brian. Why? Oh, who cares? John and Nelle are going up against Renee and Georgia in a sexual harassment case. Is there any other kind? Oh, wait -- there is. There's Assault With Deadly Breasts, and there's Gratuitous Humiliation of People Who Aren't Pretty. Richard wonders aloud if John and Nelle's client will be coming to the office. Ling expresses annoyance with his interest in said client. Richard says that John's the one who's attracted to her. John hotly denies it under Nelle's watchful eye. Ally has an announcement to make. There are groans all around. In her purple sweater and matching scarf, she pushes Richard out of the way and calls to order "the first meeting of the Cage & Fish Women's Bar Association" in her office at nine o'clock. Richard says, "Wai-wai-wait, what's this about? The ERA? Title Nine? Douche?" Ally pouts and punches him in the chest. Elaine comes in and informs Ally that Brian's in her office. "Uh oh," says Richard. So how do people actually make money at this firm? Do the ex-boyfriends and potential future sex partners pay a fee to wait in the various lawyers' offices, or what?
Even though last week Brian was calling Ally immature and telling her to get the hell away from him, this week he's asking her to explain again why they broke up. Remember, Brian, Ally slept with you for six months and then told you that you were no good in bed? That was why. Now curse her out again. Brian asks if she isn't afraid of ending up alone. She claims she's more afraid of ending up with the wrong person. I think it's safe to say that she's absolutely horrified of ending up alone, though. Ally says something mock-pithy and the scene ends.
Some woman in a tight, sleeveless top is telling Richard and Ling that she'd prefer a female attorney only. Her name is Cindy McCauliff. She's played by Lisa Edelstein, who at first looked really familiar to me. (I looked her up on the IMDb and saw that she had a bit part on ER and the recurring role of Bobbi on Sports Night. ["She also played Rob Lowe's call-girl girlfriend on The West Wing." -- Wing Chun]) Ling pours tea in preparation for the spit take we already saw in the promos. She's making the annoying tinkling sound with the kettle, too. Richard and Ling pretend to be sensitive as the client, Cindy, explains that she was fired for not taking a physical for her employer's insurance company. She admits that she's "really a man." Ling and Richard spit all over her and then insult her several times. Ling asks how Cindy could be a "he-she" when she looks "so beautiful." Cindy says her breasts are real because she's been taking estrogen for years. Richard asks if he can touch them. Cindy indicates that her genitalia is the only thing that keeps her from being a complete woman. Ling says "dumbstick" again. "Is this the sensitivity you were talking about?" Cindy asks Richard. He somehow convinces her to stay and retain them as her attorneys.
At court, Renee questions her plaintiff. He describes being hit on by Myra, John and Nelle's client. Myra is played by Marcia Cross of Melrose Place fame. She was psychotic Dr. Kimberly, so you know that she'll be evil in this guest role, too. Renee's client describes how Myra purposely brushed his arm and then fondled his "groin area." The sex they then had was consensual, but afterwards he felt pressured to continue having sex with Myra the Boss, so he quit. Throughout the plaintiff's testimony, John cringes. Then Myra brushes John's arm and he squeals like a girl. Nelle cross-examines, ascertaining that the sex was consensual and that Myra never threatened to fire this guy. She mockingly sympathizes with him for having to get it on with Myra. Georgia and Renee object. Nelle tells the plaintiff, "Suppose I were interested. Would you sue me?" The others object again.
At Fish & Cage, Richard tells Cindy they'll get her an injunction. Richard bellows out that they won't mention Cindy's penis. You know, I'm so glad they managed to say "penis" yet again. At first I was afraid they'd only use "dumbstick" and "groin area" and thus break their streak. Ling is called away to a meeting. Mark walks by and tells Cindy "hi" in a very friendly way. Cindy tells Richard that she's nervous. Patting her shoulder first gently and then jocularly, Richard says that "this kind of subject matter" is the reason he got into law. Mark scopes Cindy out as the oboe plays quizzically.
Most Contrived Scene of the Hour time. The female lawyers of Fish & Cage, along with Elaine, Renee, and Georgia, hold their "Cage & Fish Women's Bar Association meeting" in Ally's office. Ally tells them they're pathetic and they need to be "proactive" in their social lives. Nelle says that she doesn't even want a personal life. She rants, "What's the goal? To get married? Yuck. Half of them end in divorce, the other half end up with children. Is that what we want -- to have our breasts swell up with milk so some crying, sniveling baby can suck them dry? So they'll sag in perpetuity like two big wet mounds of tissue with nipples, with no hint of their original character?" Well, that's certainly not what I want to see happen to Nelle. I'd prefer it if she stayed at the firm and let John call her names. If she could lose more weight, that would be nice, too. She's not yet thin enough. I can still almost see those mounds of tissue. "This meeting isn't about motherhood, Nelle. It's about recognizing...life is a little more rich with a partner," Ally tells her. Hey, Ally, start a cult on your own time, all right? Nelle argues that women make better partners than men for everything except sex. Okay, we get it. Nelle's a man-hater. Her little invectives are supposed to make us sympathize with John time he sexually harasses her, right? Whatever. Georgia asks if Ally has a plan. The plan is to ask Mark how he goes about meeting eligible women. There are groans and the meeting is adjourned. Ally opens her office door and Richard falls through it. As women file out, he tells Ling he's not comfortable with her "going on a manhunt." She tells Richard not to worry, that she won't be looking for anyone like him. Richard expresses surprise at Ally's behavior. He thought she didn't need a man. "Ah don't," Ally drawls, trying to smolder. "Ah want one." God forgive me for saying this, but at that moment I wished I could slap her hard enough to make her head slam against the office door. That's wrong, isn't it? She walks away and Richard says, "I like that." Luckily a commercial break follows and I have a chance to chant my mantra: "It's just a TV show. It's just a TV show. It's just an extremely annoying TV show and you're getting paid for this, Gwen."
Mark introduces himself to Cindy in the Unisex. He starts up some small talk, saying, "Richard told me about your thing..." Ally pokes her head in and asks Mark to talk to her later. Cindy wants to know what "thing" Richard told Mark about. He says, "Your case. I admire your testosterone, taking a stand like this." They go back and forth in this vein, with Cindy assuming that Richard told her secret, until Mark asks if Cindy's seeing anyone. She's surprised. Mark knows he shouldn't be hitting on a client, but she's "just so cute" and Mark is a man...Richard pokes his head in and tells Cindy to hurry. Mark asks if he can call her sometime and she says, "I don't think that's a good idea." "Where does that fall between yes and no?" he asks. Damn, Mark is smooth. Cindy gets all flustered and almost forgets her purse as she runs off. Elaine comes out of a stall, smiling like a dolphin. Mark asks her how he did. "Mark, if the girl doesn't say no, it's 'yes.' Pursue!" she tells him. Elaine's so crazy. I want to like this story line, but I can't because it's made of the stuff of urban legends and it's bound to become offensive very soon. I like Mark and I want to see him happy. He and Cindy have chemistry. Let's hope that Mark turns out to be bisexual and the two of them stay together. Oh, wait...I forgot. Bisexuals don't belong on this show, do they? They'd gross Ally out and we can't have that. Okay, so I'm bracing myself for Mark's humiliation at the hands of the other men on the show. Hey -- maybe week they can do a court case about the apocryphal father and daughter who inadvertently have cyber sex with each other.
Back in court, John questions Myra. She talks about the fact that all men are attracted to her. John Freudian-slips, "And you just decided to have sex with me? Uh, stutter, stutter -- him?" She says, "We were two consenting adults acting out a very horny moment." What is with people trying to be sexy in court on this show? I'd think that they would just want to get through their cases and conduct their sex lives afterwards, what with all the fees they're paying. John's voice cracks. He asks if the plaintiff is trying to make a fortune by abusing sexual harassment laws. Georgia and Renee object. Renee uses her baby voice to ask if Myra's ever had sexual relationships with any other assistants. Myra's done it with two others. She doesn't feel bad about it, either, because since she was sixteen, men have wanted to have sex with her. She has no qualms about propositioning men because they've always done it to her, but she's free to say no and so are they, blah blah, sexually-liberated-woman this, sexually-liberated-woman that. She sees no problem with making advances to her employees.
Afterwards, John tells Myra that she was brilliant. Nelle disagrees. "I realize you're drawn to her, but you've got to be a good lawyer here," she says. John pulls her aside, saying, "I don't appreciate you talking to me like that in front of the bosom." He stutters like Porky Pig, then says, "Coney Islands," then "client." Nelle suggests they settle, then excuses herself and leaves. At least someone tries to pretend to be professional, here. Myra asks John if he's drawn to her. Her dress is too tight across her breasts as she tells him there's nothing wrong with admitting it. John's voice cracks as he suggests they concentrate on the case. Myra sighs as if John is so sexy that she can't resist him or something.
At Cindy's injunction, Richard babbles to Judge Seymore Walsh about various amendments. The lawyer for the defense is all for letting Richard talk so that he can piss off Judge Walsh and lose his case. Judge Walsh says that if Cindy's waiving her insurance, she can't be forced to take the exam. He grants the injunction. Richard is prompted by the defense to babble some more, but Judge Walsh shuts him up.
The Second-Most Contrived Scene of the Hour: At Fish & Cage, Ally questions Mark about the predilections of eligible men. He explains that the Neanderthals want to meet models, and that the educated professionals want to meet models, too. Then he claims that a friend of his periodically sponsors a "Model Night" at the bar he owns. Mark says tons of men show up, but none of the models ever do because they don't like competing with other women. Gee, you'd think word would get around about such a rip-off, right? Maybe the guys who get burned are too ashamed to discuss it afterwards, though. Ally gets a bright idea. I bet you can guess what it is. She runs off to plan something annoying. Ling, Richard, and Cindy enter. Richard announces their victory to Mark and invites him to celebrate with them at The Bar. Mark is more than happy to go along. Cindy tries to beg off, but Richard won't hear of it. Mark and Cindy smile wanly at each other.
Renee's singing with Vonda again. What's up with that? Isn't she a lawyer? Does she really have time to sing at a bar every night, whether she's getting paid for it or not? And why does Vonda let her horn in all the time? This is so ridiculous. Aren't there any karaoke bars in Boston where Renee can practice to quit her day job? Meanwhile, Ally's explaining her stupid Model Night scheme to Nelle, Georgia, and Elaine. Nelle thinks it's ridiculous, but Elaine's for it. "What a shock. You probably bought new knee pads," says Nelle. Freaking meow. Elaine just smiles. Ally solicits Georgia's vote, asking Georgia if she's started looking for a new relationship yet. "Oh, Ally, I started to look while I was still married. That's how I met your father," says Georgia. Blam! Ally thanks her for the reminder.
Mark chats up Cindy at the bar. She doesn't seem to mind his persistence. She asks what's most important to him in a relationship. He tells her she has to at least dance with him before getting to ask a question like that. Ling and Richard take note. "You don't suppose he likes it, do you?" asks Richard. Ling corrects, "Her, Richard. Her." Whatever.
Scene Requiring Most Willful Suspension of Disbelief: Myra walks into John's office and starts coming on to him. Ostensibly she's there to apologize for her forwardness. She starts to walk away but John's nose whistles and she turns to ask if he said anything. His nose whistles again and she asks if he's making tea. He offers to make her some. His nose whistles again, loud and prolonged, like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer's. It really is stupid. Myra can see that John's still nervous, so she suggests they wait to "get tea" until after the case. Then she kisses him goodbye as the slow piano starts up. On second thought, Myra would "really like to get some of that tea now." They kiss again. I guess that inner Barry White is working for John again, because it couldn't be that Myra's just screwing him for the sake of her case, could it?
As they dance, Mark asks Cindy if he can walk her home. "Don't push it," she says. He tells her he's not asking to come in, just to walk her home. She holds him closer. Ling and Richard still have nothing better to do than watch them. Ling says her stupid line about being "penile psychic." Richard wants to tell Mark Cindy's secret. "There's no value to a secret if you can't repeat it," he says. Ling tells him he can't breach attorney-client confidentiality like that. "You're a diamond, but she treats you like glass..." Vonda sings. Shut up, Vonda.
The morning, in the Fish/Cage lobby, Richard's congratulating John for getting some from Myra. John is fraught because she's a client. Richard has no issue with it. Mark walks up, breaking up their locker-room session. John leaves. Richard tries to find out whether Mark slept with Cindy the night before. He didn't, apparently. Richard says it's wrong for Mark to date a client. Mark points out that Cindy's case is over. Richard says there'll probably be an appeal. Mark asks, "Since when do we have rules on who we can date? It seems every time I turn around, you have your finger in associates' knee pits." Richard says that a little knee pit's gonna look good to Mark after he sees...He starts again. He says Cindy's a virgin. Mark goes, "Richard, can I ask you something? If we were in the Unisex having this same exact conversation, what would happen?" "Why, that's easy," says Richard. "I'd turn around and Cindy would be standing there." "Flush, flush," Mark tells him. Richard turns around and sees Cindy looking pissed off. Ha! That was a funny scene.
Cindy drags Richard into an office and bitches him out for almost telling Mark her secret. Richard protests that Mark's his friend. "I've had boyfriends before. Things have been just fine," says Cindy. Richard asks how, as if it's any of his business. Cindy tells them that she's Catholic. "I'm confused. Catholic girls have penises?" Richard asks. Cindy tells them she's against premarital sex. "I'm still confused," says Richard. "What other kind of sex is there?" He promises that he won't tell Mark but says that it's hard to sit back and watch his friend get hurt. Cindy asks what makes Richard so sure Mark will get hurt. He says, "Oh, no, I'm sure he'll brag to his buddies, 'With my girlfriend, we can play Jack in the Box!' Of course he'll get hurt!" Huh? What is Jack in the Box -- some sort of circle jerk game? Cindy tells Richard that that sort of blatant bigotry is the reason she didn't take the insurance physical. "If you want to call me a bigot, fine. Maybe I am, but the issue here is Mark. You're misleading him," says Richard. Cindy will tell Mark when the time comes. Richard hopes the time comes before Cindy's little secret does "because guys don't like sleeping on somebody else's wet spot." Cindy slaps Richard, making a cowbell noise. "I like that," says Richard. "I will tell him when I am ready. You stay the hell out of it," Cindy says and then storms off. Richard repeats that he liked the slap.
Georgia does her closing argument. She says that the case involves textbook sexual harassment and that Myra is asking for a double standard. "Where does it say that since you're a woman you can break the law? Why should it be different?" she asks. John walks right up to the jury and literally screams, "Because it is different!" Everyone gasps and then the jurors gaze at John with rapt attention as if he's clever or something. John babbles about the way women have been sexually victimized for "hundreds of years." He asks if the jurors felt sorry for the plaintiff, or if they were "trying to make eye contact," hoping they'd get a chance to have sex with Myra, too. Nice of John to assume that all the jurors are into straight women. John says the plaintiff is exploiting laws designed to protect women and that he wants to use the pre-existing double standard to vilify Myra as a sexually forward woman. "If Hillary Clinton had had a little session with an intern, she wouldn't even be running month. The Democrats would have yanked her out and put in Warren Beatty instead," says John. As much as I hate to agree with David E. Kelley's mouthpiece, I have to agree with that. John goes on and on. "There sits a victim," he tells the jurors. "Say it with me..." They all say, "Please." Then John goes to sit down and Myra grabs his ass. It's my turn to say, "Please."
Renee sings with Vonda AGAIN. They shout, "It's raining men! Hallelujah!" while Ally and the other blondes dance among throngs of male admirers. Ling holds court at a table of men while Richard complains by her side. Even Larry Paul is there, watching Ally's Sprocket moves from afar. Mark's dancing with Cindy again. Everyone's having a jolly good time until Brian shows up. He gets on stage and interrupts the caterwauling to congratulate Ally as the organizer of the night's event. Everyone claps. Brian tells them that he and Ally broke up a few days before, but that he's happy to see her moving on. He leaves the bar. Everyone stares in silence as if they're shocked or they give a crap about Brian and Ally.
Myra goes into John's office and asks about his feelings. He assumes she meant the sex and tells her he has no regrets. She meant the case, though. Oops. He thinks it's going well. He says that if they win, he knows a quiet little restaurant where they can celebrate. "Oh, actually, I have a date tonight," says Myra. D'oh! John tries to play off his surprise. Then he says, "We made love the other night -- was it just S-E-X?" What -- they can say "penis" but not "sex"? Whatever. Losers. Myra apologizes. She liked the sex, but she wasn't looking for a relationship. John tries to act like he's not totally hurt. Nelle comes in and says the jury's ready with the verdict. John seems grateful for the opportunity to quit getting dissed by Myra. I bet he's thinking, "Damn! If I'd known this would happen, I would have done a half-assed closing argument like I did with my fat, ugly friend last week."
Ally goes to Brian's office and tells him, "I thought public speaking made you nervous." She's wearing the purple skirt that went with her purple sweater from earlier. She tops it with a white chiffon blouse that would have looked nice if it hadn't been accompanied by another purple scarf. This one's bigger and darker than the one she wore before. I'm guessing there's some kind of in-joke among the wardrobe people regarding purple scarves. Ally explains why she put together the Model Night scam. Then she apologizes for disrespecting Brian and his feelings, although she's not sure it warranted his "little display." Brian says she doesn't owe him anything. Then why did he make that scene at the bar? Ally says, "I'm not trying to wriggle off the meat hook, here." Thanks for the visual, Ally McGrody. She wants Brian to know that what he saw on the dance floor wasn't what she was feeling inside. Sure it wasn't. She says "bye" and takes off. Brian looks all thoughtful and sad as if he didn't totally luck out when she broke up with him.
The jury finds in favor of Myra. She thanks John and then tells him he was "fabulous." He says, "I guess the jury used some common sense." She meant that he was fabulous the other night. John's nose whistles. Myra asks if they could maybe relive their evening together some time. "I'm not that kind of guy," says John. Myra says she'd guessed that, then kisses his cheek and leaves him looking like he got rode hard and put up wet.
We're "treated" to more of Vonda's song stylings as Mark and Cindy dance again. They're all snuggly and spinning around and stuff. Cindy asks what attracted him to her. He says he likes beautiful, complicated women. She tells him that she has "a past." "We all do," he replies. Yes, but hers is "rather distinguished." She says she used to be "kind of a different person." Mark asks if they can just go out a few times before they start revealing who they used to be, because he likes a girl with a secret, too. "You're gonna love me," says Cindy sort of sadly. Then they kiss. "That is so gross," says Richard. He and Ling really need to go home and have sex or rent a movie or something. Ling asks if Richard's feelings for her would change if he found out she used to be a man. "Of course not, Cupcake," says Richard. "I'd vomit..." But what if she was a man with a wattle, Richard? Mark and Cindy kiss some more.
John is staring out his office window, sulking, when Ally walks in to say that she misses him and their talks. The feeling is mutual. They agree to go out and catch up some night in the near future. Ally starts to leave, but then she turns and asks if John remembers the night that the two of them danced in his office. Of course he does. She says she needs to do it again. So does he, because they're both flakes. They dance and -- oh, dammit -- Ally reprises her voice-over feature. "I have a friend who refuses to get a pet because he says in the end they die and it's just too hard. Maybe it's the same for relationships. I don't know." What? It's too hard to have a pet in a relationship? Relationships are hard because they die? Ally has a friend? Who? Wow, her narrative was so profound. That's the most profound thing I've heard all day. I mean, all I did today was go to the grocery store and watch 7th Heaven, but still.
week: a bunch of actors pretend to hit on Ally, Mark continues to see Cindy, and Florence Henderson guest-stars.