The season finale starts with Ally introducing Brian Selig to her parents. She's stuttering like a maniac. Her dad makes the fake growling noises so Ally gets nervous and starts doing to most annoying giggle I've ever heard from her in my whole recapping career. Vonda sings, "Baby, you're falling in love." The four of them walk to some restaurant.
Instead of the usual theme song sung by Vonda, we're "treated" to a rendition sung by the entire cast. They sound awful. In fact, midway through it becomes Renee and Elaine only. Too little, too late -- my ears are already oozing blood. The opening credits are backed by clips of musical numbers from this season and last. Whoop-dee-doo.
Some guy is being John's therapist in what looks like Tracy's office. Guess what John's bitching about. That's right! His birthday! My question: is there anyone who obsesses over birthdays as much as the lawyers of Fish & Cage? Eat some cake, drink some margaritas, and get over it, you sissies! John's whining that he's 36 (Hello, operator? I'd like to place a person-to-person call through the NOT!line...) and he has nothing to show for it -- no wife, two-point-five kids -- none of that. His therapist points out that he has friends throwing him a party. John says Elaine only planned the party so she could sing. He says that except for Richard, all his friends work for him. Yeah, good point. They only like you because you have the power to fire them, John. Face it. John says he walks around "muttering 'balls, balls, balls.' [He's] become a little curmudgeon toad." That's right, John. But don't forget, you're also David E. Kelley's offensive mouthpiece. That's gotta count for something, right?
At the Institute for Fashion Design, Merchandising, and Law, Nelle is moaning to Redhead Navel Girl that she didn't really want to leave Fish & Cage. Red's like, "Uh, you could have fooled me..." Nelle's hair is down, showing us that she's feminine and vulnerable as she prepares to fawn to the powerful men and get kicked in the teeth. Red says she let Richard "go down on [her] button." Because that wasn't gratuitous enough, Nelle sits down and starts talking about her traumatic childhood. We don't get to hear her words, though. You're relieved, right? Well, don't be. We don't hear her because Renee's singing. "She's gonna tell you 'bout her dear old mother, burned up in a factory in Springfield, Mass.," sings Renee. Huh? Then we cut to John blathering to his therapist, and Renee sings, "He's gonna tell you 'bout his baby brother, hustlin' down the streets, sellin' his ass." HUH? Then we see Renee in all her tight-bloused, blue-eye-shadowed glory, singing at The Bar. "He's got the blues! She's got the blues! Blah, blah, blah!" She's smiling her face off and I notice for the first time the gap between her two front teeth. The rest of the firm (except Ally) is sitting right in front of the stage listening.
THEN...check this out...Nelle sings. "When I was nine years old, my daddy ran away with a woman and man on a train..." Um, okay...At least Nelle's all got her makeup all tarted out, though. Her voice is weak, but she looks sweet. We pan-and-fade over to Renee doing the chorus. "She's got the blues! This girl!" Now it's time for John to sing. "A year ago/ I met a girl/ I thought we hit a massive groove/ But she dumped me/ And all we hit was the bloooo-ooo-ooo-oooos! I've got the blues!" I totally take back what I said about John being an okay singer. He sucks. Stand up, take a deep breath, and sing it from your chest, John. Or, better yet, just shut up. The rotating, fading camera takes in John, Nelle, and Renee singing about having the blues. Then we see them in three-way split screen. It's really incredibly stupid.
Ally, Brian and her parents have dinner at a table with the same little lamp that's on all the restaurant tables on this show. I'm not even going to get into the inane conversation going on with these four. Suffice it to say that George, Ally's dad, is pissed that his precious Electra found herself a man. I say: too bad he didn't get to have dinner with that homeless guy Ally was dating. Ally's nervousness causes her to laugh like a hyena. Either that or she's on speed. Well, maybe it's both. Brian tries to joke around and play it all off. Ally does her patented spit take, spitting a hunk of food onto her dad's forehead. Yeah, that's freaking hilarious. Now I understand why the critics love this show. It's the tight blouses, right? Ally hears Gloria Gaynor, then hallucinates the waiter serenading her. Then she hallucinates the Brian and her parents are singing in crappy almost-harmony. Then Young Ally appears and sings to her dad. Then all the patrons in the whole place sing. Ally gets up and runs off. I don't even have any more commentary regarding her obvious insanity. This season has sucked it all out of me.
The commercial for that Rocky and Bullwinkle movie comes on, and you can tell it totally sucks, just like its predecessor, Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I'm glad to see it, though, because they're playing that song "Dreamer" by Supertramp and I'd much rather hear that than any more songs by the cast of Ally McBeal.
The day in Ally's office, her dad acts like he wasn't purposely rude to Brian. Ally asks why he didn't attend Billy's funeral. I wonder why her parents are in this episode. I thought they were splitting up. We see them on Thanksgiving, and then now. I thought Ally's daddy issues were all squared away. Even if they aren't, the season finale is hardly the time to resurrect them. But whatever. Ally's bangs are shorter now, but they still look like hell. She stomps out of her office, leaving her father to stand and stare.
John's yelling because apparently Richard's considering rehiring Nelle. John hates Nelle. Richard won't take her back without John's permission. John has a Gratuitous Childhood Trauma Confession and Song. "Johnny the fat boy, isn't he round?" John still can't sing. He says Nelle ridiculed him. Then Nelle walks in, saying, "And what about you?" She gives a speech about John's disapproval of her personality. John tells her to leave. She says John didn't want her in his life -- that she understood that even before he did. She leaves. Who cares?
"I am NOT gonna make love to you," Brian's telling Ally at her apartment. He doesn't want to do Ally because she only wants to do him because she's angry at her father. SICK! Brian says he'll dance with her, instead.
Richard tells John to suck it up. He reveals that he has his own little theme song. He starts monotoning, "You Can't Keep a Good Man Down." John's like, "Could you at least hit a note? Richard, you're tone deaf." Cut to Elaine singing the same song at John's party. Cut to Brian singing it to Ally. He can't sing for shit, either, by the way. Elaine's doing this number in man-drag with three matching dancers behind. John joins in on the mauling of this song. Bridge. Brian and Ally dance. Richard and John dance, and that's actually funny. Bridge is over. Elaine can sing. I like Elaine. Song's over.
Now Brian's ready to do it. Now Ally's not. Ally quotes The Music Man. Brian quotes it, too, getting her all hot. They start singing that "Lida Rose" song. Ally's dad stalks into the apartment and has the sad flashback of himself singing that song with Ally. Wounded, he stalks out again.
Nelle's in her new office doing something with books. John walks in to rehash their issues. Nelle claims she dumped John because he didn't like her. He didn't love Nelle like he loved "her." I guess she's talking about Ally. Or maybe not. Who cares? Randy Newman sings, "I just want you to hurt like I do, honest I do."
Ally's mom meets Ally at the firm library so they can talk about George's reaction. Don't Ally's parents have better things to do? They say all the same things they said at Thanksgiving. Ally mouths off big-time to her mom. It's revealed (again) that Ally and her mom aren't close and that George is the only thing connecting them. Ally acts shocked and hurt all over again. "I'm your daughter. I'm your daughter!" Someone get this idiot some gingko bilboa. Jill Claybourgh leaves. This subplot is unresolved and hence destined to be repeated.
At the bar Elaine sings another song, this time in a completely different outfit. "Georgia's actually gonna sing?" asks Richard. Ling says she's only doing background and her mike's turned all the way down. Blissfully ignorant Georgia smiles from the stage. Redhead shows up with Nelle in tow. Nelle apologizes to John in front of everyone and slams down a couple of drinks. She begs for her job back. "I'm not gonna cry," she says. Renee and Elaine sing, "Take me back! Baby, please take me back!" Georgia lip-syncs along, trying to horn in on Elaine's mike. Elaine shoves her away. Richard doesn't want to take Nelle back. Redhead tells him, "Do it for me." Richard says it's time Redhead did something for him. He doesn't mean sex, either. He wants her to perform. She says she likes performing. Great. She'd better be able to sing, dammit.
Ally's dad follows her into the Unisex. Ally remarks on the multitude of visits from him and her mom. He wrote her a song. She doesn't need a song, she needed him to be nice to Brian. We get the same old dialogue about George raising Ally to believe her dreams could be true. Then Ally excuses herself to go to John's party. She finishes with, "I think I love him, Daddy. But I'm unable to share that with you." George is left sad in the Unisex. That's probably a metaphor for something ridiculous. I'm too tired to figure it out, though.
Down at the party, Ally bitches about her dad to Brian. He says some crap about his dad betraying him by turning out not to be perfect. Ally quickly turns the subject back to her problems. Richard toasts John and then asks the firm to re-welcome Nelle. Nelle is smashed. She gets up to make a speech but passes out instead. Then it's time for a special performance just for John. It's the Redhead Navel Girl singing that "spank me" song made popular by Madonna in the Dick Tracy cinematic crapfest. Richard hands John a hairbrush. Red struts down to their table. She grabs Nelle by the hair and then lets her head fall back to the table. I start to get a hard-on but then I realize that I don't have a penis and this scene isn't for me. Red rotates her butt in John's face. "Unacceptable," says John. Elaine's fangs come out because Red has that Slutty Diva style down. At the end of the song, John touches Red's butt with the brush and everyone cheers. Hip, hip, hurray for misogyny!
Outside the bar, Ally talks about her dad some MORE. Brian consoles her and calls her beautiful. Vonda sings. Brian and Ally stare at each other. "Wow. I have a boyfriend," says Ally. It's been a long time since she's felt this. They kiss. Brian seems pretty cool. He does a good job of pretending that Ally's not a super-annoying skank.
Renee sings flat-as-hell that there's a party at her house tonight. Red sings a line, and then Randy Newman appears at the piano and sings the rest of the song while the firm members dance. Ling shoves Georgia off of Richard so she can cut in. Gotta love violence against blondes! Ling wants to get back with Richard. She misses "that shallow thing" they had. Nelle stumbles out of the restroom. John wants to be honest with her, so he tells her she has vomit on her nose and then walks away. Nelle is dissed. Gotta love it when blondes get disrespected!
Ally gets home and finds her dad sitting in her living room in the dark. Creepy. He apologizes for missing Billy's funeral. He wanted to avoid seeing her hurt. Ally asks to hear the song he wrote. Since when do Ally and Renee have a piano, anyway? George seats himself at it and plays. Let me just type out all the lyrics so you can see how lame they are.
She's a real emotion girl
Wears her heart on her sleeve
Every little thing you tell her she'll believe
She really will
She even cries in her sleep
I've heard it many times before
I never had a girl who loves me
Half as much as this girl loves me
She's a real emotion girl
Eighteen years she lived at home
She was Daddy's little girl
Daddy helped her move out on the world
She met a boy who broke her heart
She's very, very careful, yes she is
She's a real emotion girl
Lives down deep inside herself
She turns on easy, it's like a hurricane
You would not believe
You gotta hold on tight to her
She's a real emotion girl
Throughout this song, Ally sat on the sofa and grimaced with glycerin in her eyes. There were sepia-toned flashbacks, too. It was supposed to be really touching but it didn't work. I even tried imagining my dad writing a song like that for me. I see us at the Casio. I sit on the filthy plaid couch and bawl as he sings:
She's a real bitterness girl
She watches stupid TV shows, takes it out on the world
She gets paid money to suffer through the dreck
She's a real cattiness girl
She sees Time magazine saying Ally's a role model
She's a real cynic girl
There are black-and-white scenes of me in times past -- sitting in this chair, looking at my tiny TV and then at my monitor, rubbing at my temples and mouthing curse words. There. Now I'm crying.
THE SEASON IS OVER! YAY! I'm hitting "Send," throwing my mortarboard into the air, and running out the door. Woo! KISS MY ASS, ALLY MCBEAL!