Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare yourselves for the longest "previously" ever: Richard hasn't made Nelle a partner yet, despite all of her bitching. John spanked Nelle with a hairbrush, like, SIX MONTHS AGO, but whatever. Now Nelle and John keep snapping little insults at each other. Ally likes The British Guy. The British Guy isn't asking why Ally lisps only when she's talking to him, even though that's the first question I'd ask her. Ally tries a new monotone way of talking sexy. Oh, wait. That's not new. Well, anyway, she's doing it again. This time she's added some crazy Manson Lamps (tm The Sopranos) eye-fixation with it. Wait, that's not new either. Nelle gets treated to some very funny charts Richard made to show that if he takes her on as a partner, his cut in revenue goes down. Nelle says there will be consequences.
I wish I could say the episode gets better, but really I enjoyed the Previously more than any other minute in this episode, but here goes anyway.
They've got the D-Girl from The Sopranos to represent Nelle in the "I'm quitting and taking my clients with me" plot that will go on for the fifty minutes. Basically, this scene is just a Battle of the Sharply Drawn Eyebrows, which makes it difficult to actually pay attention to any sort of "dialogue," but I'll try. Between the incredible sibilant "s"es, the women discuss that Nelle is ready to start her own firm. She's got all of the supplies. Oh. My. God. I'm not kidding. In the background there's the giant penis sculpture from A Clockwork Orange. This, beyond all doubt, must be a shout-out to Mighty Big TV with DEK's lipstick kisses all over it. I've paused the screen and squinted. It really must be the giant penis sculpture. A shooting star passes outside my window. I beg to never have to watch another episode of this show again. Dammit. I just told you my wish, didn't I? I'll never learn. Nelle mentions that besides Richard, Elaine would be able to get the insider info on any clients that Nelle had access to. D-Girl suggests that Nelle should try and get Elaine to leave with her by offering her more money. Nelle doesn't want to because she doesn't like her and that she's rather loyal to Ally. D-Girl mentions that she had sex with Richard once. "It wasn't intimate," she drones. They both discuss being "dastardly," which makes me wish that their drawn eyebrows could flip into handle-bar eyebrows, but they aren't. Nelle seems to be terribly annoyed by this whole process of leaving the firm and starting her own, so I can't see why she's going through so much trouble.
The opening credits are so loud in comparison to the show that one of my cats walks over and steps on the volume control of the remote and then gives me the stink-eye.
Macy Gray is killing my image of her while Ally is on a "date" with The British Guy. He's asking why she only goes to this one bar. She says that her friends go there and that her friends are better at "evaluating" men than she is. Guy doesn't seem to be as insulted as he should be. He says that he didn't call her for two days because he didn't want to scare her off. I keep waiting for Ally to tell the story of when she leaned too far into the candle on the table, which would explain the weird fringe-y hair she's got going on right now, but she doesn't, so I'll assume that she just kept chewing on her hair until it ripped off right to her scalp. He stands up to ask her to dance and she's all, "What, what, what are you leaving?" There's a stable, single girl for you. He offers his hand. She shyly takes it. Macy Gray is wearing sunglasses, but I can see who she is. John and Richard walk in and watch Ally and the British Guy totally mug down. Lots of mugging down. No one gets sick on the screen, but people are freaking out in the real world. Get a room, kids. You work here.
Nelle walks into John's office and they begin nasties towards each other right off the bat. Nelle asks to see Elaine for a second. Nelle won't get off this Munchkin land thing with John, but in doing so, she calls herself a "Bad Witch," which I would think would just be more fodder for John. Nelle half-heartedly offers a paralegal job to Elaine and then says that she knows Elaine wouldn't be interested. Elaine says that she would be interested. Elaine says the only drawback would be she'd have to work for Nelle. Elaine is about to take the job, but Nelle tells her to think about it. Nelle says that she's offering a job, not a friendship.
Ally is smiling at herself in a mirror, while looking at the different positions she can put her lips into. MALE FANTASY ALERT. Creepy Teeth walks out of the unisex stall and asks Ally if she's serious about the British Guy. Ally says that it's a personal question. Creepy Teeth says that if it's not serious he'd like to take her to dinner. She says that it wouldn't be "lousy," but rather "inappropriate." On cue, every other male in the office exits the other stalls, including the British Guy, who then walks out with Ally. The Duped Oboe plays its song.
Elaine goes into Nelle's office and Nelle takes her offer back. Elaine wants an explanation, but Nelle says that it just wouldn't work out. Nelle gets Elaine to swear to secrecy, and Nelle tells Elaine that "they" don't think Elaine is capable of the job. She says "they" think she's just a "horny, dumb blonde." Elaine thanks Nelle for being honest, and then walks out.
I rewind the tape and watch the penis sculpture again, just to have something to do.
Crazy Happy Music. Crazy Happy Ally is wearing a pajama top. Crazy Happy Ally is touching strangers and adjusting their clothing. Crazy Happy Ally has her fingers shoved in her mouth. Crazy Sobbing Pamie just wants this season to be over. Crazy Happy Ally watches bridal gowns through a window. This is all done with cross-fades and quick clips and multiple shots so I have to watch some of this stuff several times in a row. There are many reasons why it's better to be on your side of the MBTV server. This is just one of them. Ally sees herself in one of the bridal gowns. Honestly. She's all standing there between two other mannequins as Vonda reminds us, "I'm going crazy," and then Ally starts in with those Manson Lamps again. Bride Ally and Crazy Happy Ally share a wave. Random Male Passerby just can't help stopping and smiling at Ally and getting her to wave at him as well. Pu-leaze. Bride Ally winks at Crazy Happy Ally. What a waste of three minutes.
Ling and Nelle exchange, "Hey, Bitch"es. They talk to each other out of the corners of their eyes as they try and make plans to do something later and ask each other how it's going. Ling, of course, knows something is up. The oboe plays the notes, "Ling always knows what's up! That's why we have her here!"
I don't know what day it is, but Nelle and Elaine are in the same clothes as Nelle tells Elaine she needs her to keep another secret. Elaine agrees. Nelle tells Elaine she's decided to leave Cage and Fish (which I always hear as "Cajun Fish," but that's more my problem than yours). Elaine asks if this is because Nelle hasn't been made a partner. Nelle says it is. She asks if Elaine would like to come with her. She says that in three years she'd make Elaine a COO. They remind each other that they don't like each other. Nelle says that she just wants to surround herself in talent and she admires Elaine's ability. Elaine asks to think about it. Nelle says that she wants to leave quickly and she'd want her paralegal in place when she goes. Elaine says she'll take the job. Elaine asks to tell Ally, but Nelle says she can't. Ally could get in trouble for knowing ahead of time. Elaine says that she's sure she wants to go with Nelle. Nelle then gives Elaine a list of her clients and asks her to download all of their files. Elaine asks if that's okay. Nelle says that she should do it before they leave in case Richard doesn't want to give them over. If the clients don't want to come with them, then there's no problem. Nelle says that if Elaine is worried, then she could just give Nelle the passwords and Nelle would download the files herself. Elaine says that would be better. They both smile and think about how great their new lives are going to be.
Back in Eyebrow Pencil Land, Nelle tells D-Girl that she got all of the files that she needed. D-Girl tells Nelle to start calling all of her clients from her new office and see who's coming over before she ever tells Richard she's leaving or he might institute counter-measures. She tells Nelle to enjoy the "nasty fun." MALE FANTASY ALERT. There's a dressmaker's dummy in its own spotlight in the back of the office. I do not understand this place.
"That's the thing about women," British Guy enlightens us, "They're all lovely and and sweet and funny right up to the point they reveal themselves to us as utter monsters." He says he's sure there are "exceptions," but none are "documented." Ally continues to flirt and Manson Lamp even though he just said that he's going to think she's a monster and asks how she's doing "so far." She plays with the fringe on her forehead. He sees the fact that she's CRAZY and says, "Maybe we should order." Ally takes a crazy sip from her Crazy Straw and looks in her menu and thinks, "What would be really crazy right now?" He says that he'd like to have sex tonight. Cue the spit take. But, because Ally's crazy, she gives a Crazy Spit Take, which is more like a full-sprinkler system all over the table. Then she chokes and spits all over herself, so that she's just as Crazy and Wet as he is. Crazy Wet Lawyers: Too Hot for FOX. British Guy wipes his face as Crazy continues to do her Crazy Cough, which doesn't even sound like she's choking.
For the first time in my life, I wish I were my coffee table. At least it doesn't understand Ally McBeal.
One of Richard's clients sits down with Richard and tells him that he's giving his account to Nelle. Richard is, of course, stunned at the news that Nelle is leaving. Dramatic music. Richard opens a box on his desk and pushes an alarm. He runs into the office and begins barking orders to have her office searched. He asks Ling if she knew that Nelle was leaving and stealing clients. He tells her that he doesn't believe her when she says no. He tells John what happened. John asks to have the alarm turned off. Richard does, and tells everyone that Nelle is not allowed in the building any longer. Cue the elevator. Nelle walks in and says that she is leaving. John calls her a list of things and Nelle says that she bets he really wants to spank her now. Nelle takes Elaine with her. Elaine says it's better for her to be where she's "appreciated." The Sad Oboe of Misunderstanding Situations plays us to commercial.
John and Richard breathe into paper bags. John says he wants to "get her." Richard says he doesn't want to make it personal. Ally appears grossed out by them. Creepy Teeth says there's going to be a court case in, like, an hour. John says again that he wants to "get her."
An hour is, apparently, right now, as everyone go-go-gadgets right into the court case. Out in the hallway, D-Girl tells Richard that her clients cannot talk to him right now. Richard remembers that he had sex with her. She thanks him for "raising the relevant issues." Ally asks to speak with Elaine. D-Girl says she doesn't advise it. Ally snots all over her about blah-blah-"what you advise" and John gives Nelle the stink-eye. Creepy Teeth mumbles all creepily about going inside. Richard makes another comment about having sex. Ally is amazed that for the first time in her life someone wouldn't talk to her. John makes air come out from between his teeth. Does anyone like anyone on this show anymore?
I took an informal poll earlier and found out that no one cares at all about court cases on Ally McBeal. They are only there because if the show was fifty-three straight minutes of tits and ass, the show would be called Come On, Girl, Show Me That Ass Again. So, I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time, here. Creepy Teeth and D-Girl debate in front of the judge about whether or not this case is "simple." Nelle stole files. D-Girl says that Nelle was lied to about being made partner, was put through "corporal punishment" by John (hairbrush, again? God.), and before she can go on, John begins shouting, "Balls. Balls. Balls." There is twenty seconds of merciful silence. D-Girl asks for arbitration. The judge agrees. Creepy Teeth gets the others to say it's fine. The judge says he'll pick a name out of a hat.
Ally tries to talk to Elaine again in the hallway. Elaine tells her that Richard said she was unqualified for a paralegal. Ally asks why she didn't tell her. Elaine says she didn't want to get Ally fired. Ally asks Richard if this is true. Richard, of course, doesn't know what's going on. He asks John. John says, "Balls." Creepy Teeth says that the bad news is that "Bulldog Brattle," "the biggest man-hating lawyer in town," is going to be the arbitrator. Jack Tripper falls out of a closet with an ironing board with his pants around his ankles and his fist in his teeth.
Right into arbitration. Nelle shows the clicker that John put in her shoes. She says he made some for her hairpins. She discusses the hairbrush situation again. She says she felt like a slave at the firm, so she made plans to leave. She asks to take a bathroom break. Bulldog gives her five minutes. She asks if someone could come with her. She says that since the bathroom is unisex, she doesn't feel safe because the men follow her. As John is calling Nelle a lying bitch, Richard gets a look at Bulldog's upper arm flesh. He's speechless with sexual excitement.
Ling and Nelle say a few things about "friends" and "talking" but they don't really have a conversation. Lucy didn't even have time to get her Charlie's Angels eye-liner off before her one line. D-Girl tells Richard that she lies in bed thinking about "that night" all the time. "Regretting it." MALE FANTASY ALERT: "When this is over? I was hoping you could give me a little something to regret again." What is with the women on this show? DEK: Women are not like what you see on American Pie.
Elaine is unpacking her new office as Ally walks in. She looks like Strawberry Shortcake's Ho Phase. Ally tells Elaine that John and Richard never knew about a paralegal job. She asks what Nelle "needed" from Elaine. Elaine realizes that she had the passwords. Ally says that she didn't just download the passwords, she deleted them from their computers. She stole the files.
John is pouring water. It never gets old, does it? John asks Nelle a few questions using the word "indicated" thirteen times. Nelle brings up the hairbrush AGAIN. Bulldog hears John's nose whistle. Creepy Teeth tries to get John to not insult Nelle, as Nelle says something that my cable company censored. That was weird. There is bickering until Bulldog tries to interrupt, and John says, "Oh, pipe down, Bulldog!" and then there's a shot of Bulldog while we hear a dog growling and whining for a while. Ally walks Elaine into the room. Ally says that Elaine "decided to switch...lawyers." The pause was there for her self-satisfied smirk. Sixteen blissful seconds of silence as the oboe ushers me to commerical.
Elaine tells Bulldog a recap of the past forty-five minutes. But without my wit. Ha. D-Girl says that if Elaine was duped by Nelle, how does she not know she's being duped by Ally right now. She says that Nelle offered her the job because she thinks she's the most qualified. "Really?" Elaine asks. Ally shakes her head. Bulldog says she's heard enough and is going to come back with her decision. Seven seconds of really good silence while people stare at each other.
John practices his dismount in the Unisex. Richard tells him that he doesn't want John in the room if there's any more testimony. He says that John is out of control with the "Balls" yelling and stuff. How come only John gets in trouble for acting this way when Ally continues to get a paycheck? They yell at each other about how this is all John's fault anyway. "The hairbrush. The clicker. The walking-around-calling-her-a-witch!" Richard tells John to go home and get some rest. John pushes Richard and says, "You go home." Third-graders outside my door shout, "That is so lame. Like, so kindergarten, man." Richard says, "John, I don't know your problem. But don't ever, ever push me again." John huffs and pushes Richard again. Richard pushes John. John pushes Richard. Richard pushes John. End of scene. Really. I don't know. No cap. Just the pushing, all slow and with build-up music for nothing.
Elaine is unpacking her things back at Cajun Fish. Nelle is incredulous. Elaine tells Nelle that she's not a nice person. Nelle says that people admire the bitch more than the nice person. Elaine says she admires honesty. "What do you know?" Nelle asks, as she begins to walk off. "I know that rich, successful people like you often end up with no friends." Nelle acts like that hurts her, but it might just be a hunger pain.
John and Richard are wrestling on the floor. John is choking Richard with his tie. I can't believe no one is going to end up in jail or out of work in this situation. D-Girl walks into the Unisex and breaks up the fight. There are a few "he started it"s and "did not"s, but I'll spare you again. John leaves. Richard stands up, panting. "Did too!" he shouts, and leaves. Cue the toilet flushing. It's Bulldog. She was afraid to leave while they were fighting. She leaves. D-Girl thinks, "I really hope they don't wait until December to start filming the season of The Sopranos."
D-Girl walks into Richard's office and says she hopes he's not taking this all personally. She's all groping him on his desk and says that this is all about money and how Nelle wants to be him. "What is wrong with the women on this show?" my boyfriend asks me. I try using the mute button, but alas, this episode is taped. I cannot stop the inanity. She says that she's going to have him suck her toes again. "And if you're really, really good, I'll let you tongue my button." Kissing.
I take a six-day bath but still can't get the film off.
John tells Richard, "The judge is calling us, douchebag." Huzzah! Another reference to dirty women without actually calling someone a stinky pussy! Go, David! Go, David! You rule! "Tell her 'Pipe down,' asswipe," Richard says back. John smiles.
Bulldog says there is no evidence of Nelle unlawfully soliciting clients while she was still working, but the files were taken in bad faith. She's ordering Nelle to pay $300,000 in damages. Bulldog binds it, so there's no appeal. Richard doesn't think it's enough money.
Richard goes over to Bulldog and goes into some bit about "triceps waddle" and then starts fingering Bulldog's upper arm. In slow motion, complete to "Chariots of Fire," Richard begins fingering as Ally is completely outraged. Elaine looks nauseous. Richard is stoked. I wish I were anywhere else on this green Earth.
D-Girl and Nelle stand in front of that weird mannequin as Nelle complains about the amount of money she owes Cajun Fish. D-Girl tells Nelle, "You really aren't being attractive." Don't forget the important things in life, girlies. D-Girl says that Nelle can get a loan and pay it off without a problem. "You're a winner, here." She gives her a bottle of wine and tells her to toast herself. "Enjoy this moment."
Vonda ruins the moment by singing again. Ally says that they will sit at that table all night until John and Richard shake hands. Bickering. Pouting. "I love you"s. Hand shaking. D-Girl asks to talk with Richard. "I love what you're trying to do with your hair," she says to Ally. Ha. The British Guy is talking to Elaine and Renee, but Ally just busts up and interrupts it and takes him away to dance with her. Elaine thanks Ally for taking her back.
D-Girl and Richard are discussing something, but it doesn't matter, since they're just talking about her button again. "Tongue my little innie," she coos. She puts her hand down the front of his pants and says, "Quick, before it's an outie." Close-up pan down the front of her as she undresses. We stare at her belly button for a while.
British Guy and Ally dance real close.
Richard tongues D-Girl's navel.
Elaine dances with Creepy Teeth.
Nelle pours herself a glass of wine and takes a sad sip. She's all alone in her big office. Fade to black.
It may have been a long and boring episode, but at least I'm not recapping the season finale musical. Take it away, Gwen.