Renee is in the kitchen hearing strange squeals from the direction of Ally's bedroom. She bursts in and finds Ally alone on her bed. "You just had sex!" she accuses. She starts searching the closet for Ally's partner while Ally says that no one's there. "Oh!" says Renee. "Anybody I know in mind?" No one's there but the computer. Ally closes the laptop, claiming it's her journal. Renee tells her to "turn back a few pages," to the part where Ally used to tell Renee everything. Ally admits that she just had "computer sex." And "it was amazing." Retch! She has completely ruined any frisky cyber-recreation I might have considered in the future. The thought of getting online and then accidentally getting off to words typed by someone like Ally McBeal is enough make me fling my keyboard out the window.
Ally explains that she's been e-mailing back and forth with "this guy" for four months and that they only now started "talking sex." Renee says he might have two heads and a criminal record. Then she says "Internet relationship" all snidely. Ally thinks he must be married and that's why he hasn't offered to meet her. She claims it's "just a fantasy" but Renee points out that with Ally, fantasy IS reality. Ha. It's good to see that Renee can be gone for weeks at a time but still have a handle on the situation. Then Renee says the guy must be a priest. "Priests love to go online!" she coos. Well, that's a new one on me. Is there a website? Padrenet.com, maybe? Ally says she'd meet this guy in real life "in a second" if she could. She resolves to do so.
At the Fish & Cage morning meeting, we establish that the Case O' the Week is Bender vs. Hanks. Some guy's suing his best friend for sleeping with said guy's wife. Okay, whatever. Mark and Ally are representing the plaintiff. Richard makes some sex joke and Nelle asks if they can move it along because she has a busy day ahead. John jumps on this: "Oh, well, let's by all means speed it up. Frosty the Snow Girl has plans." John, please leave the sarcasm to those skilled in its utilization, all right? "What did you call me?" asks Nelle. John repeats the silly epithet. Ling's sopping it up with a biscuit. "You shouldn't get to talk to me like that just because you're senior pipsqueak - I mean partner," Nelle totally burns him - not. Where do these people learn how to rank? We were saying better stuff than that in my third-grade classroom. Ally butts in to scold. Nelle segues into asking why she hasn't been made partner. I can answer that one. It's because she's wearing about five yards of polka-dot chiffon around her neck with a hug, red, FAKE FLOWER tucked into her collar. I guess David E. Kelley needed to humiliate her sartorically in attempt to make us sympathize with lame-o John. Well, it was worth a try. When you can't rely on good writing, take it to the wardrobe. "Over my dead body, which would still be a few degrees warmer than yours, you rich-bitch, elitist Ice Queen," John says. Ling looks orgasmic and Ally grimaces as the oboe sort of titters. Nelle and John trade phony smiles. Um... is this supposed to be funny? It's not. I can't even imagine working in an environment where supervisors could call employees such things. Sexual harassment, much? You'd think Fish and Cage would know better. I want to say that if I'd been sitting at that table, I would have gotten up and slapped John across the face and then given notice. Upon further reflection, though, I think it'd make more sense to get up, walk offstage, spit on Mr. Kelley, and THEN give notice.
In his office, Ally warns John that Nelle could sue him for sexual harrassment. "Oh, let her try," rants John. "You know what she is, Ally? And I've never used this word to describe any other woman..." Hmm. Let me guess. Is she... a poopface? No, wait, I know! A stinky butt? No, for real, it must be witch. What? What's that you say? You think it's "bitch?" Dude! No way! Yes, it's true that we've heard that word on the show before, but that was only for women who deserved it from men who were lovably wacky or suffering from brain tumors. There's no way John, the sensitive one who's learned so much wisdom from all the difficulties in his life, would use such a word to describe a woman! There's no way UNLESS the woman in question was so vile - so heinous... it'd have to be a really horrible, evil person. Is Nelle that bad? Well, consider her actions this season. She's criticized John, broken up with him, and objected to his use of prostitutes. AND she bears a vague resemblance to Michelle Pfeiffer. BURN THAT BITCH AT THE STAKE! Ally reiterates that John's behavior is against the law. "Balls the law!" yells John. Yeah! PENIS the law, darn it! Penis that icy bitch!
In court, Ally flirts with the lawyer for the defense. She stares at him, sucking her thick pen and running it over her lower lip. He's some guy we haven't seen before. He warrants a Vonda song and a record-scratching sound. He appears to enjoy Ally's disgusting attentions. Oh, and meanwhile, Mark's working the case.
Ally, Renee, and Georgia have cappuccinos. Check this out: Ally thinks the defense lawyer is her cyber-lover. How does she know? Well, it's the way he looked at her. Oh, and he used her "e-mail name" in his questioning. Whatever. Renee keeps trying to blurt out the racier parts of the story to Georgia. Ally keeps pinching her, causing her to moan "Ow!" Georgia's only part is to smile and ask some lame question while sitting under the yellow helmet that is her hair this episode. Ally protests against the idea of telling this lawyer, "I beg your pardon, but did you touch yourself last night with me in mind while reading my e-mails?" Good point, Ally. You should just do him in the car wash instead. Ally says she'll email him again and "demand him to meet me [sic]."
Nelle asks Richard why he hasn't made her a partner. He says he crunched the numbers and discovered that it wasn't feasible. "Splitting the pie in half" leaves him with more money than he'd get if they split it in thirds. He busts out actual pie charts and a pointer. "See? MORE... LESS..." he points and instructs. This kind of cracks me up. Richard gives a speech about how giving away money makes leaders look like fools. "There will be consequences for this, Richard," promises Nelle.
Mark approaches John and makes small talk, obviously because he wants to discuss something. John turns it into an opportunity to slag Nelle. He's doing well despite the fact that he's forced to work with "revolting people," he says. Nelle overhears this. Mark blows it off and asks if John thinks Ally would want to date him. John answers negatively, saying that Mark has the "depth of a bottle cap" and so wouldn't be a good match for Precious McBeal. Then he calls Nelle a Popsicle. She overhears that, too. John suggests that Mark just ask Ally out. I can't believe that Mark is interested in her. I don't know why he doesn't go for Elaine, or ANYONE, instead.
Ally writes to her cyber-lover while Renee supervises and Georgia looks on. They're using one of those programs you've never seen before, specially designed to show up on your television screen at home. Either that or it's ICQ. Ally's screen name is "Lover Lips" and her beau's is "Thunder Thighs." She explains that you're supposed to use something "exotic." Hey, I can think up some exotic user names! How about "selfSINturd" for Ally and "DesPurr8" for her friend? Okay, so Ally asks if he wants to hook up, and Thunder Thighs replies, "Sure. How about 2 nite?" I swear that's what it said on her screen. She's sure it's the lawyer and that he knows who she is.
Back in court, the man in question questions the defendant. Ally hears Vonda sing and imagines herself at the bar with the other lawyer. I finally had to look on the Fox site to get this guy's name. It's Selig. The defendant describes how he kissed his friend's wife on the dance floor. Ally fantasizes accordingly and moans aloud. We hear the record slow-down sound as everyone turns to stare at her. "Sorry!" she not-at-all-sorrily says, touching her mouth. Vomitrocious!
Nelle's asking Ling to leave Fish & Cage and help her start a new firm. Ling refuses because she only goes to work to show off her outfits. She doesn't want to see clients or do anything. Nelle confides that she's leaving, maybe to join "one of the big firms." Ling remarks that it'll take a long time to make partner at a big firm. Nelle says, "Please. Between my portables, my hair, the sexual harassment laws... I'll be partner in a month!" I don't understand. I guess she means, "I am a bitch and you should hate me."
Ally's drinking water from a fountain when Selig walks up and speaks. She bangs her mouth on the spigot in an attempt at physical comedy. "It's okay, I always forget to pull up when I'm finished," says Ally. That's probably one of the trademarked nonsensical sexual innuendos they like to make on this show. Selig wipes Ally's mouth with a napkin or handkerchief he just happened to have. She points out a spot he missed and rubs against his hand like a mangy cat in heat while Vonda sings her siren song again. (It's about as mellifluous as an actual police siren, I mean.) Selig asks if they've met before, because Ally was looking at him so knowingly. Ally says that she likes to distract opposing counsel by looking at them "like I just wanna tear off their clothes and lick them from head to toe." Her prey gets some wood from this, but it quickly turns back into pulp as he says, "And here I was hoping you were genuine." "Well, my tongue is free later," kids Ally. You go, whore! Coming from anyone else, these would have been some good lines. Ally's scary bangs ruin the effect, though. Selig suggests they get coffee the day because he has an appointment this afternoon. Ally picks up on this, presumably presuming that his "appointment" is with Lover Lips. The would-be Thunder Thighs asks Ally to go easy on his client. She makes some playful remark in reply which I couldn't hear over the sound of my own gagging.
Back in the courtroom, Ally questions the defendant. Selig gets up and yells "Objection! Gophering!" He explains that in England, his nation of origin, the lawyers say "gophering" instead of "badgering." Then later he yells out "Pope Paul!" (I think that's what he said.) He claims they used to say that a sarcastic lawyer was "Winston-Churchilling the witness" and that it was later shortened to "Church!" and then "Pope Paul!" He manages to distract everyone with this blather. Ally twirls her hair.
At some restaurant or bar, Renee questions Ally's certainty that the nameless litigator and Thunder Thighs are the same person. Ally's still sure. She asks Renee to wait at the café across the street. If Ally puts her purse on the table, that'll be the signal that Thunder Thighs is a "big weirdo" and Renee's to come to the rescue. Renee goes and Ally chokes on her wine.
John rudely bursts into Nelle's office to ask her for a file with a name that sounds like "Peeniless Skeevits". I guess it's supposed to make you think "penis-less skeevy-ness." They argue and John takes his file.
Ally goes through all the motions of being stood up while Renee watches from afar. Thunder Thighs finally does show up, but it's not Selig. He's played by Jonathan "Simba" Taylor "Home Improvement" Thomas and claims to be nineteen. "You said you were thirty-three," says Ally. "You said you were twenty-five," TT counters. He asks for her real name. "Pam," she says, in a shout-out to our Pamie. His name is Chris. He convinces her to overlook his deception. She briefly imagines herself tearing off his shirt. He asks if she wants to go to dinner. She says okay and they get up to go to McDonald's or somewhere when suddenly a cop shows up and places Ally under arrest. Chris's mom is there. "Mom!" he gasps. The mom is played by Joe's mom on Wishbone. Wishbone would have made a good love interest for Ally, I think. Ally asks what's going on and the officer states that Chris is sixteen years old. I don't get it. It's illegal to take a sixteen-year-old to dinner?
Mark asks Ling where Ally is as they emerge from a courthouse elevator. Ling matter-of-factly explains that out anti-heroine was arrested for statutory rape. Mark is aghast.
John and Richard question Ally, who's in her cell looking slightly more disheveled than usual. She recaps the situation and Richard asks a bunch of silly questions. They go into court. John, Richard, and Renee are representing Ally. "Only three lawyers," Judge Roberta Kittleson says sarcastically. John says the case has so little merit, they need three lawyers to properly express the outrage. Or something. Judge K is played by Holland Taylor, a regular on The Practice. You may also remember her from five zillion other stints, including those on Bosom Buddies and Romancing the Stone. She asks Chris to stand. He does so, giving her a teenie-bopper smouldering look. She seems to enjoy that. John moves for a probable-cause hearing and Judge Kittleson grants it.
Ally runs into the other courtroom, where Mark is questioning Mrs. Hanks, Adulteress. He starts freaking out and yelling at her about the "death do you part" and all that, and Judge Seymour has to hush him up. Out in the hall, Ally asks what his trauma is. She's wearing the same funky jacket from the day before, of course, because she slept in it in her cell. Mark says he's trying to illicit some anger from the jury. Ally cuts him off and asks what his personal problem is. Ling interrupts to tell them she's bored. "Then go, then, Ling. Ally's back," grates Mark. "That hurt my feelings," monotones Ling, who then leaves, leaving me to wonder if that was supposed to be funny. Mark stalks off as Selig strolls up and asks Ally to take him up on the coffee. Ally says she has a probable-cause hearing. "Not your own, I hope," says Selig all witty-like. "Oh, who told you?" fumes Ally McDumbAss. She tries to play it off at first, saying it's "like a parking ticket." She eventually stammers out the humiliating truth. "I really am innocent," she finishes. Selig just nods.
At Ally's hearing, John asks her how old Chris claimed to be in his e-mails. Ally answers "thirty-three" and then John asks how old she claimed to be. She doesn't want to answer but Judge K makes her. When Ally says twenty-five, Her Honor snorts, "Please!" Ally glares at her from the stand. Then we get thirty-seven thousand hours of testimony during which the mike gives feedback every time Ally says the word sex. In a shout-out to Wing Chun and Sars, it's revealed that Thunder Thighs told Lover Lips his fave show was Dawson's Creek.
Ally goes into Mark's office and finds him staring out his window. He says he's working on his closing. She asks again why he "started railing on that woman like that." He reiterates his excuse about tapping the jury's outrage. It's his strategy, he says. She criticizes and he says her judgment's probably clouded because she's on trial for statutory rape, meow, meow. "What was the strategy with that remark?" Ally asks him. He apologizes. Then he changes tactics. "Would you ever want to..." he starts, walking closer to her. Then, instead of asking her out, he asks if she'd "ever want to do the closing." I guess seeing her close-up changed his mind. Ally's all, "Huh?" and Mark says he's just gonna work on his submission. She leaves his office with a sigh and he looks fraught. Mark, honey, you can do better than that. I know you have that thing going on with your two front teeth, but still... Ally McBeal? Go for the gold, or at least for the brass. Go for Elaine. Or Renee. Or bisexual Judge Hammond. Anyone but Ally. Don't fall into the gap! You can do better!
John questions Chris. We get to hear all about Chris's older-woman fantasies and Ally's awesome cyber-sex. He also manages to rank on Ally's age several times. He turns to the judge and talks about fantasies they borrowed from The Graduate. Chris thought it was awesome that Ally turned out to be "even older than Anne Bancroft." D'oh!
In the hall, Ally bitches out John for his embarrassing line of questioning. "Three lawyers, he called me thirty-five, not one of you objects!" She pouts. They go on this way for a while, in and out of elevators. I hope Ally falls through one of the shafts.
Mark does a touching closing about friendship, loyalty and blah blah blah. Selig coughs up the old "the courts have no business in a personal relationship" chestnut. His closing isn't very persuasive. I think Kisle felt the same way because he flipped over to Roswell for a while.
Meanwhile, back in the OTHER courtroom, Ally rushes in to hear Judge Kittleson dismiss the case. She can't let it go without giving some advice, though. She says, "Meeting up in person with someone you only know through e-mail -- THAT'S inSANE." She's right, it is -- it's insanely good fun, dang it! Chris walks up to apologize and inform Ally that he'll be seventeen in a week. She tells him to find a nice seventeen-year-old girl. "And if she has a friend," horn-dogs Richard, who gets elbowed by Ally for that. Chris asks for a kiss. "On the cheek!" scold John and Renee. Ally kisses his cheek all supposed-to-be-sensually, I barf, and they high-five each other. John and Renee glare. "What?" asks Ally coyly. She is so not-sexy. It really is sad.
Back at Fish & Cage, John bitches at Nelle some more. I sigh, then perk up as naked flesh and guns appear on the screen. Go little Roswell boy, go!
Mark and Ally win their case. Their client is awarded ten thousand dollars. Mark is all tripping out, saying that's the price they put on friendship. I'm confused because the synopsis on the FOX website says that Mark reveals that his ex-wife cheated on him. I guess that scene fell on the cutting-room floor after the synopsis was posted. Either that or I slept through it. Selig runs up, happy to see Ally "at large" and again tries to hook up for coffee. Selig, you can do better! They take off and Mark looks absolutely sick with envy. Mark, get your Queen CD and come to my house. I'll make you some enchiladas, you poor thing.
At the bar (THE bar, I mean) Ally ascertains that Selig made up that crap about gophering and Pope Paul. Who cares? Across the room, John tells Richard, Renee, and assorted others that Nelle is "a rich-bitch, cold-hearted, ice queen, elitist snob, vicious witch. On a good day. And a tight-wad cheap-ass, too. I paid for everything." Well, golly. We all know that a woman like that doesn't deserve a rich-dick, talentless hack, misogynist, penis-size-compensating, malicious twit, don't we? Renee asks John to dance. Ally dances with Selig. Elaine grinds her ass against Richard's crotch in time to the music. Mark sits in a remote corner, watching Ally like a stalker. Aw!