No previously this week, as we all spend every waking moment following Ally's life.
Young Ally walks down the street, winning the hearts of every passerby as Vonda ruins everything. Boys skate and bike around her but she just smiles. Ally wakes up to some rock music and stares at the calendar over and over again. They focus on April 9th -Theater. I don't know, they do. Oh, and Elaine gets a raise on the 26th. What a strange thing to put on your wall calendar in your bedroom. Ally flops around for a bit and then runs down the hallway to the bathroom. She starts pulling on her face in the mirror. Remember that scene in Poltergeist? Yeah, it looks just like that. Then Ally's face morphs into an older woman's. No, really, the entire thing was really quite terrifying. I'd rather not talk about it. I'm already going to be up all night because of it. I'm trying to spare you.
"It can't be," Ally keeps repeating to herself as she walks out of the bathroom. She runs into Renee. Not even a "where the hell have you been?" Renee asks who died. (Get used to the death jokes, people) Ally says it's worse than death. "It's here." She tells Renee that she's thirty (It takes about thirty seconds, too, but you can fill in the stammering and lip-grabbing yourself). Vonda then scares the hell out of me with the opening credits.
I start to wonder if I'm really insulted by the Diet Dr. Pepper ad with the girl in the gym trying to tell herself that it's okay if she's fat, followed by the e-trade ad with the basketball player who wants to be a dancer who is disappointing his dad, followed by the Herbal Essences ad in the courtroom where some lawyer has to start grinding around while men wash her hair, or if I'm just all bristled whenever I watch Ally McBeal. Probably a combination of both.
DEK hired a co-writer for this episode. The change is quite noticeable, as the lines are now fired quite quickly at each other with snappy snarks and asides. I don't mind at all. Elaine is telling Richard that she wants to throw a party for Ally. Richard tells her that since Ally isn't happy about turning thirty, it probably isn't a good idea. Elaine says that it doesn't matter because Ally will be pissy if she doesn't get a party also. She says that Ally likes to think that the whole world revolves around her and that they might as well play along for one day. Ha. I think this co-writer reads our forums. "Richard, she's going through a tough time. Think about it. In her whole life she's only managed to get one man to love her and he's dead." Richard nods in agreement. Elaine walks out with a shoulder wiggle and says that they all could use "a good party."
"Forget it. I am not going to celebrate this." Ally is throwing a tantrum in the meeting room as everyone tells her that she should celebrate this "milestone" in her life. Nelle says that she plans on celebrating when she turns thirty, "Years from now." Ally says that she doesn't enjoy being thirty. New Guy (who I'm just naming Creepy Teeth here from now on) says that Ally's obviously had "a few years to get used to it." He says that he loves smile lines but doubt that hers arrived "ahead of schedule." He mentions that Heather Locklear admitted that she's forty, so he doesn't know what Ally's problem is. She jumps on the table and begins attacking Creepy Teeth. Fire her! Fire her! FIRE. HER. Man, they just don't care anymore. She attempts to attack Creepy Teeth again, but they hold her back. Fire her. Nelle asks what's wrong with her. "Oh! He called me forty! You heard him!" I hate her. Richard says they'll "deal with that later," and mentions the one court case that's going to keep the firm fed and clothed for the week. Creepy Teeth calls John "The Cookie" which cracks me up, and then calls him "Jim" twice. Richard puts Ally on third chair. Creepy Teeth does not want Ally on his case. It's some sort of murder case and everyone is arguing about whether Ally should be on the case. Richard puts a newspaper in front of Ally's head and tells Creepy Teeth that if he ever wants to make partner, he's going to have to learn how to lie. Richard removes the newspaper and Creepy Teeth says that he can't imagine doing the case without Ally. Ally says she has an appointment at 9:30 and that she'll have to meet them at the courthouse. Creepy Teeth asks what the appointment is for. For once, Ally is right in saying that it's none of his business. Ally lisps that she'll meet them there and my back arches up as Vonda starts wailing about blowing out candles. From the time Ally stopped attacking people to the moment Vonda opened her weird mouth this was a good scene. I'm enjoying the sped up pacing in lines. Go co-writer, go co-writer, go.
Ally is tugging on her eyelids and staring in a handheld mirror. At least she's not pulling on her mouth. The doctor walks in. It's Billy's neurosurgeon. Ally says that she was a friend of Billy's. He says, "Yes. Blew that one, huh?" Yuk, yuk, yuk. Ally asks if he also does plastic surgery. He says there's "more money in plastic." He starts taking a look at her but she stammers that she thought she was going to see a cosmetic professional. He makes the "it's not brain surgery" joke that just walked in my apartment from a mile away. "Plus, I'm sure it's fun to have patients that live," Ally grins. She then apologizes, because now she's allowed to make jokes about Dead Billy because she can summon his ghost whenever she wants, but other people really can't. He asks what he can do for her. She says she was thinking about collegen. She asks about fat injections. He says that fat gets "lumpy." She shows him the lines by her eyes and stammers that she knows he probably can't see them and that it's mostly mental, but he says he can see them from where he's sitting. He tells her to lie down and that they'll take care of it right then and there. I'm ignoring this bizarre Doctor World much like I ignore the bizarre Lawyer World they try and pass off on us each week. She says that she has to be in court in half an hour. He says it'll "just take a minute."
Ally's face goes through some sort of doctor screen thing where they put a grid over an image of her. He tells her that she has very beautiful lips. Ally takes the opportunity to start grabbing her lips and pulling them everywhere. He says that he can make it even more beautiful, and she's all, "No," and then giggly and looking at the "after" picture he made and is all, "I do look good there," and I can't imagine that the one thing this girl wants to draw even more attention to on her face is her huge puffy lips. Ally: call Whipper. Ask what she'd do here.
"Are you nuts?" Creepy Teeth is talking to the client. She asks if it's going to get her off. "No, you're about to get John off." Side shot of the client's cleavage as John stares. I couldn't even tell that they were breasts in the first few seconds. Apparently the client is being accused of smothering her husband to death with her breasts. God, I hope they don't end the season without a client defending the murder case about her killing her lover with her cooter smell, because I just feel like we haven't really covered every single offensive, anti-women, degrading, excuse-for-genital-part-naming, booby-showing, ass-grabbing, men-bashing-women talking, slut-calling, two-timing, money-whoring, titty-touching, fiancé-stealing, plastic-surgery-getting, freak-jabbing, mental-health-problem-mocking, fourth grade caliber of comedy gold this year. Creepy Teeth says that the client cannot walk in "flaunting the deadly weapons." Shot of breasts. John watches. Titties O' Puffymouth says that this outfit was all she brought. Creepy Teeth says she's going to have to change. There's a bit of an argument about how her husband was eighty-nine years old and whether or not she loved him. She asks John if he ever talks. John Porky Pigs for a while until Creepy Teeth interrupts him to say that he'll shop while John works on getting the continuance. He reminds Titties O'Puffymouth that she's on trial for murder.
Elaine tries to talk Nelle into doing a singing number at Ally's party. The dialogue goes a bit like this: "Meow." "Meow." "Meeee-ow!" "Meh." "Meirrrriir." "Meow." Elaine offers to let Nelle do a piece of drama, and reenact the moment she broke up with John. It's followed with, "You coldhearted, cunning, conniving bitch." (Hey DEK: thanks for almost saying "cunt." Keep 'em coming. Huh-huh. Love, pamie.) "This is why I don't get along with secretaries," Nelle says with a smile. Nelle closes with, "Oh, and Elaine, remember to forget to wear underwear. It takes the attention off the fact you don't sing very well." Elaine tries to laugh at it, but is clearly hurt. Faster, pussycat! Kill! Kill!
Ally shows up at the church where Billy's service was held. She goes and asks for advice from the minister. He accuses her of turning to God only because she doesn't have a man in her life. That he's sick of people turning to God because she's turning thirty, and now that she's "struck out on Earth," she's "starting at the top." Ally makes a joke about sleeping with God. The lead singer of the choir walks in and asks to talk to Ally (no puffy lips anymore, by the way). Ally trips the minister on his way out. She really does. That woman is out of control. The choir singer calls her on that, but Ally brats that she had every right to do so because of what he said. The choir singer asks if this is all about Ally turning forty. She corrects her age and then starts ranting around about why can't she do what she wants to do, and I really don't listen to any of it because at one point she said "penishead," and that's just a brand new one on DEK's roster of excuses to say the word "penis." That and I think saying the word "penis" in church might ensure your space in hell, so can we all have a moment of silence in this joyous occasion?
Back at the court. Mr. O'Puffymouth increased Titties' inheritance amount right before he died. John says that he changed the inheritance because his children were taking advantage of him. John ends up getting the witness "confused," and people start yelling again. The witness' name is "Shiplet." (DEK, you rock my world. Shiplet! When John says it all angry it sounds like "Shitlet!" Brilliant!) Shiplet tells John that when he made the requested changes to the will, he had "no inkling she was going to kill him." John says that wasn't the answer he was looking for.
It looks like I must be cutting things out of these scenes, but I'm really not.
Somewhere Ally and Renee picked up some Rosie the Riveter wall poster, but you can only look at Rosie's biceps for about two seconds because Renee's boobies are so pushed up that her back is arching and her chin is jutted in to keep her balance. In the distance, Titties O'Puffymouth shouts, "And she's just allowed to walk around with those things? Jesus, look at her!" Renee tells Elaine she'll sing, but she won't sing backup for her. Elaine promises Renee won't be singing backup. Oh, glee! Everything is set just right for the most Wacky Birthday Party Show ever! Too bad Ally can't turn thirty every year!
Vonda starts singing "Que Sera Sera" and I take a butter knife and jam it into my ears and then I rip all of my toenails off. Hey, you got a better way to deal? Ally is wandering around. Cue Billy. "Missing your youth a little, huh?" Man, can I call them. Ally tells Billy that the minister was right. Billy says that it can't be that bad. She says that her twenties might turn out to be the best years of her life and she has nothing to show for them. Billy says that isn't true. She asks if he had anything else to say. She thought he'd be "more profound dead." Billy just smiles as he thinks about all of the plotlines he's not going to have to do with her in the future. She says she can't keep letting him appear. He says he doesn't have the power. "It's me," she says for the one-millionth time in her life. She says that she should smack her ruby slippers together. He wishes her a happy birthday as he fades away. Her de-puffed lips quiver.
I take a wonderful nap.
John doesn't want to perform either. He gives Elaine his allotted spot. She starts to take it and then says that he should do something for his best friend. She tells him to think of his life before Ally got there. He says that Elaine didn't even know him before Ally got there. "Exactly," Elaine says with a smirk, and walks off. The oboe doesn't know whether to play wacky, caught or sad. It settles for a run of scales.
Court. Another doctor is identifying pictures of a bite mark on Titties O'Puffymouth's breasts taken after her husband died. John and Creepy Teeth peek over at the Mounds as Titties gets all huffy again. Close up on them moving. I think they move on their own. Why is the entire jury composed of men craning to look at Titties' titties? I used to own this dress. I bought it to play a Slut Vampire one Halloween. I never thought it would be picked out to wear for court. The doctor says he doesn't believe Titties' testimony that the bite happened when she was asleep because a bite of that caliber would have woken her up. Whatever. Her boobs move on their own. Creepy Teeth asks this doctor if he's ever bitten Titties' titties. There is an objection and the question is withdrawn. He makes a point that everyone has a different pain threshold. Boobie Cam shows the titties moving on their own again as John tries to ignore them. There's a knock at the door. I open it. Five teenage boys are standing there with a bottle of wine and some Doritos. I recognize them as the boys that had asked if they could come over and watch the "hot girl-on-girl action" from an earlier Ally recap. They said they could hear boobs swelling from downstairs. They ask if mine are okay. I tell them that they stay in my bra. They look disappointed, so I let them sit down around me and watch the rest of the episode. They give me the bottle of wine as payment. I think the little one likes me. Don't grimace like that, Ally's just going to get herself a youngin' week, why can't I? Creepy Teeth says that the doctor can't know for certain that she didn't sleep through the bite. The doctor said that given the nerve endings in the breast, it's unlikely that she could sleep through a mean bite. Hear, hear.
Titties O'Puffymouth is asking John and Creepy Teeth if it's hopeless. They tell her she might want to settle. She says that she got the bite mark earlier that day from someone else. The Cheating Oboe plays to the scene.
Renee is leaning on the back of a piano to hold herself up. Elaine is rehearsing. Renee says she doesn't want to sing backup by singing the second verse. Elaine says she doesn't want to give up the first verse. Renee and Elaine continue to bicker and fight over the microphone. Wacky feedback.
MALE FANTASY ALERT! Titties O'Puffymouth takes the stand. "He liked to nuzzle in when we went to sleep." "Nuzzle in?" John asks. "My breasts. He liked to just snuggle in there with his bald head. I think it brought him comfort." John asks if this is how they would fall asleep. She says that it was. She said she woke up in the middle of the night and found he wasn't breathing. She tried to resuscitate him, but he had suffocated. John stammers a bit in asking questions. He gets her to say that someone else had bitten her breasts. "I had a lover, and we made love earlier that day, and it was he who bit me." John asks who it was. Titties points him out. They share a "moment." The cross-examination asks if she really did love her husband. She says that her husband knew about her lover and she lied to the police because she was afraid how it would look. John and Creepy Teeth politely argue over who gets to object. Whatever.
The Choir Singer (named Lisa, now) walks into Ally's office. Now, look, I've never been to Boston, but how small of a town is it, really? These people rarely go in a car and they just seem to know how to find anyone. Lisa said she came to apologize. She asks her to forgive the minister. They recently found out that seventy percent of their members joined to "find somebody." Lisa says she thought Ally was over Billy. She says that she was, but he was still her best friend and her only childhood friend and now she feels her childhood is slipping away and she doesn't do well with birthdays. Lisa tells Ally to just sit back and let the world give her a party. Oh, I guess we've seen Lisa before. I just haven't because I've only watched this season. Sorry.
Creepy Teeth is butchering himself some Karaoke. Ally is watching him from the door. She watches him gather himself clumsily. She tells him that John is doing the closing. She also tells him that everyone is playing a joke on him about the singing. She says it's like an initiation thing, so she's going to tell them that he gave her a "private performance." He thanks her. As she goes to leave he tells her that nobody at the firm likes him. She says that isn't true, it's just that the place is very close-knit. He gets up angrily and takes off.
Closing arguments. She boobie-snuffed him for the money, says the prosecution. She would have had to suffocate him for four minutes, which couldn't have been an accident. John comes up and says there were no bruises or marks on him, which indicates no struggle. He says that she wouldn't choose the night she had a bite mark to kill someone. He says that they are free to make their assumptions about her character, but they aren't free to conclude that she's a murderer unless there is no doubt.
Elaine sings. Ally rolls her head and wishes that she didn't have so many people that cared enough about her to rehearse a performance and rent out a bar in her honor. Renee and Elaine sing like they just got finished singing with Diana Ross in Divas 2000. In a completely predictable piece of choreography, they keep standing in front of each other and stepping on each other's lines. Punching, shoving, smacking. Elaine gets hit in the lip. Everyone else looks concerned. Renee pushes Elaine into some sort of glass. Elaine knocks Renee into a pile of balloons. Hair pulling, slapping, kicking, punching, titties falling out of dresses. MALE FANTASY ALERT! "Happy Birthday, Ally," Nelle smiles. And happy birthday, David E. Kelley. You got just what you wanted, didn't you?
The teenage boys turn to me and ask if I know a girl I can call to have a catfight with in my living room. I tell him that they all just left after we gave each other our weekly breast exams and pap smears. One of them drools on my knee.
Is this the most pointless episode of Ally McBeal? I'm just checking.
Elaine asks if her face is swollen. Richard says it's not as bad as Ally's lips. Wait, they aren't swollen anymore, so what is he talking about? Ally says Elaine's face is fine. More bitching and name-calling between Elaine and Renee, but I stop listening after Renee calls Elaine a "hog." Girl power, indeed. John takes the stage to some feedback and says that on the occasion of Ally's thirtieth, he wanted to do something for her. He says that he's as odd as she is and he wanted to sing a song because Ally's the person who brought him out. He says that he's going to sing with Renee. Elaine is not amused. John sings, "'Til There Was You." No wonder I slept like a baby the first time I sat through this episode. Renee is stepping all over John, too, but he doesn't punch her. Behind them Vonda sheds a tear and releases another compliation CD. Elaine rushes the stage to sing the last line in true diva form. Ally is all tears. John waves.
Court decision. It's like eleven at night or something. I don't understand. Titties O'Puffymouth is not guilty. As she leans over to exhale her breasts hit a pencil and pop. She begins flying around the room until John catches her and puts his face in her chest. That doesn't happen, but it practically does.
Everyone is back singing and dancing. Lisa has joined Elaine and Renee to sing "I'll Be There." Everyone at this bar has been paid to love Ally, obviously. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing.
Late that night, Ally calls her dad. She thanks him for calling her earlier. She says she had a great day. She says it wasn't too tough, and that she didn't think about Billy too much. Just a normal day. She says that she has to go and she'll call him later. She hangs up and cries. He's there, of course, right to her. He says that people keep bringing him up. He says it must be tough to be alone on your birthday. Ally tells Billy that she wasn't alone. She had a roomful of people. Billy offers to walk her home. She says "not tonight," as it would ruin her signature move.
Some roller hockey boys play some Midnight Street Roller Hockey that the Boston kids apparently love these days. Vonda keeps wailing as Ally gets to her house. She looks behind her at the kids playing and walks in her house as Vonda wishes, "Momma cradle me again." Like Ally isn't some sort of baby or something.