Previously on Ally McBeal: Ally wore that black scarf for all the garrotte fetishists, and Billy died.
Ally's alarm clock flips to 7 AM and she bangs on it to disarm the buzzer. The radio comes on and a DJ says, "And here's a little song for all you romantics out there whose first love just died from a brain tumor." Then we hear Vonda singing that "boy door" song. Ew, what a way to wake up. Ally bangs on the clock again and hears the opening line from "I Will Survive." She turns off the radio and gets out of bed. She starts hearing the song again, but of course this time it's sung by the hallucinated Gloria Gaynor herself. Ms. Gaynor haunts Ally throughout the house. She even shares the shower with her, singing her song in a shower cap as she lathers up. That would have been funny if I hadn't had to see Ally's wet head in the foreground. Car wash flashback! Car wash flashback! (Hey, does Renee live here?)
Gloria's looking really good, by the way. She chases Ally down the sidewalk and into the traffic. Ally causes several near-wrecks before gaining the other side of the street, where Ling is watching. Ling lowers her shades and says, "Ally?" I think she had trouble recognizing her co-worker because Ally redid her hair into dirty-looking waves and a nasty, uneven little fringe of bangs. Plus she's wearing a LOUD plaid coat, so that probably distracted Ling, too. Ally explains that she was being chased. "Pygmies?" asks Ling. "Worse," says our anti-heroine. "Disco." She says it in the vehement way she employs when she thinks she's being funny.
Super-loud guitar chords...
I've been down this road, watching this show, being annoyed
Ally's made mistakes with her clothes, she's making them with her hair
Oh, I believe I can do it, I can still recap this show
If I take frequent breaks to check email whenever
I feel ready to puke
I'll be scorching my soul tonight
I've got my remote control held tight
I know I have to turn out the light
To reduce glare from my monitor screen
Oh, oh-oh yeah! Bay-beh! Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Trembling piano takes us into commercials.
Ally's meeting with the therapist of Nora, the defendant in their murder trial. The therapist is played by the woman who used to play Eve on Northern Exposure. Ally's saying that the therapist will have to testify that Nora is insane. The therapist doesn't like the word insane. Oh, no. Flaky Therapist Alert! Elaine comes in to tell Ally that Richard's hired someone new.
"When I was a boy, the dog got hit by a car. My parents rushed right out and got me a new puppy -- best therapy in the world. This is Mark Albert, an excellent litigator, he'll be a major addition to the firm, starts today, let's all give him a warm welcome." Thus Richard introduces the new lawyer at the staff meeting. Crickets chirp as Ally, Ling, and Nelle just stare. Ally's already making ugly faces. Mark is played by James LeGros, who was in about a billion movies, none of which I have seen. I can't tell if he's supposed to be good-looking or not. I can't stop looking at his teeth. "Billy dies, and you run out and get a new puppy?" Ally says with a clenched jaw. Richard says he's putting Mark on the "Mills trial" with Ally and Ling to replace Billy, who is "now unavailable." He and Ally argue back and forth. Ally says she and Ling don't need a new puppy. Mark makes this face like, "Okaaay..." Richard very seriously tells Ally, "He's on the case," and walks off. Ally runs after him, but not before giving Mark another dirty look. Ling stares at Mark. Nelle leans over and deadpans, "First days are always awkward."
Ally chases Richard to the Unisex, asking why he hired Mark. Richard says that Billy carried most of the weight around the firm. "It's not like you do any work," he tells her. Ha! Shout-out to us, finally. He says that Mark has a solid background in criminal law as well as a "stable of high-paying reprehensible people." Ally asks if John's in on this so that Richard can explain to the audience that John's "AWOL" in New Hampshire. He's taking time off to get over Billy's death and being dumped by Nelle. "I don't like the new guy!" Ally whines. "Do you know him?" asks Richard. Ally says no. "How long have you worked here?" he asks her. She wants to know what that has to do with anything. He starts to say that she's been around long enough to know that when you say anything negative about a person in "this room"... and a toilet flushes. Ha! Mark emerges from a stall. Hey! How'd he get there so fast? "He's here. Bygones," says Richard, who then exits the Unisex. Ally asks Mark, "How -- how did you?" "We haven't really met. Mark Albert," he says, holding out his hand. Ally tells him to wash it. (Hey, David E. Kelley, thanks for addressing three of our criticisms in one fell swoop. I hope you've been enjoying the forums!) Mark washes his hand while saying that his co-workers used to call him Ally, short for Albert. Ally grits her teeth and says that no one will be calling him Ally here because she's the only Ally. "In the world, I bet," says Mark. HA! Okay, something must be wrong with me. I can't believe I've almost smiled so many times and it's still the first quarter of the episode. Ally sarcastically remarks that Richard never mentioned Mark's wit. Mark offers her condolences over Billy's death and says he'll try not to step on her toes during the trial. Ally thanks him and then pantomimes a tantrum behind his back as he leaves.
Ling is crying uncontrollably and blowing her nose. We see an uninterested-looking woman, and then the eye-rolling therapist, and then quizzical-looking Mark. Ling abruptly stops and asks the woman if she can cry like that. The woman says something unintelligible. "You killed a man, Nora," says Ling, who then turns and asks if the therapist has any crying tricks she can teach her client. The therapist is indignant. Mark leans over to get something from the table, I guess, and Ling demands, "What are you looking at?" Then she grabs a framed photo of Billy and slams it on the table. She tells Nora that he died from a brain tumor the week before. "That's SAD. You feel like crying yet?" she asks. Mark is visibly tripping out. "What?" Ling says. "This is new to me...telling clients to cry," he says. Ally flounces in and asks what's going on. Mark explains that Ling is coaching Nora to lie in court. Ling corrects him -- she's coaching Nora to embellish. "You people are gonna get me off, right? I can't be spendin' my life in jail!" says Nora. Ally starts hearing a disco beat. She puts her hands to her temples and leaves the office. MAN, I hope she has a brain tumor.
Ally goes up to Elaine, who gives her a cassette from John. Ally asks if Elaine hears the disco beat. "Boom, boom, boom," she illustrates. Elaine starts dancing. "You hear it?" asks Ally, all happy. "A disco bass beat?" clarifies Elaine, really getting into her moves. "Yes. You hear it?" says Ally. "No," says Elaine, who stops dancing and walks away.
The prosecuting attorney questions the physical therapist of Nora's late husband, who ended up having an affair with him. The physical therapist describes, with her British accent, what happened when Nora caught her and the husband in bed. Nora beat the guy with his prosthetic leg and then chased him and tripped him. He fell down a flight of stairs and died. Ally cross-examines, trying to get the woman to say that Nora was irrational or temporarily insane. She's unsuccessful and sits down. Mark gets up and tells the witness, "You must have been scared yourself by all this." He has her say that she was terrified and shocked. Then he thanks her as if he just saved the case or something.
Ally, Mark, Ling, Nora, and Nora's therapist enter a little courthouse room. Ally asks Mark why he undermined her by re-questioning the witness. Mark says something about assessing the witness's shock and possible misconstruing of events. "I am first chair on this case," Ally says, all pissed off. "I'm just taking Billy's place," says Mark, taking his shoe off to put his foot in his mouth. "No, no, you are never gonna take Billy's place. Don't even think about taking Billy's place!" Everyone's silent because they've sadly realized that this case will be all about Ally, not Nora.
Back in her office, Ally throws rocks into a fish bowl. Richard comes in and asks how "he's" doing. Ally assumes she means Billy and says that he's "dead, for God's sake." Oh, shut up, Ally. Richard meant Mark. Ally still doesn't know why Richard hired Mark. Richard says that the firm needs to keep moving forward. He knows how to run a law firm, and they can't get behind on their work. Ally peevishly says "okay" as he leaves.
On the witness stand, Nora is angrily telling the court about how she walked into her "very own bedroom" and saw her husband making love to another woman. Ling questions her, all the while signaling for her to say the lines they'd presumably rehearsed beforehand. Nora does such a horrible job of remembering and reciting her testimony that she draws suspicion from the judge and prosecutor. The scene is supposed to be funny but it's only annoying. Ling tries to save the case by crying, herself. She tells the judge that in her culture, infidelity is worse than death. She honks into her hankerchief, inspiring a few fake sobs from Nora. The prosecutor rolls his eyes and Mark looks chagrined.
Ling and Ally are in the little side room again. Mark follows them in, slamming the door. "What the hell was that?" he asks Ling. He says that she sounded like a game-show contestant. "Hey, hey, hey!" replies Ling. Mark starts to say that he's not going to have a trial of his compromised. Ally sticks her finger in his face and asked when it became his trial. "When I saw the clown act you two girls..." says Mark. Ally tells him he's off the case. He says he'll throw her off. She yells, "Get out!" He says he realized that someone died on them, and then Ally cuts him off. She screams, "You stop -- ah wah wah! Ah wah wah...!" Mark's yelling "All right!" Ally gasps and covers her mouth. There's a moment of quiet before Mark apologizes. He says there's obviously a reason that Richard put him on the case. Ally gets a grip on herself and says that they're fine without his help. Then the drama of this scene is absolutely ruined by Ally hallucinating the disco beat again. She waves her hand and yells "Quiet!" Ling asks if she's okay. She says she's fine and stomps off. Ling tells Mark, "Nobody likes you yet," and stomps off after Ally. Mark looks sorry that he ever took this job. I think Ally should take some time off if Billy's death is still affecting her so strongly. Then again, she's always unprofessional and insane.
Back at Fish & Cage, Elaine asks Nelle why she's meeting with "Cindy Snell" or someone. Nelle says she's covering John's clients for him. Elaine points out that Cindy is Ally's client. Nelle tries to play it off like she was confused and asks Elaine to cancel the meeting. Elaine can't because Cindy's already waiting in Nelle's office. Nelle takes off to meet with her. Elaine is suspicious.
The prosecutor asks Nora if her husband's infidelity was a big shock to her. Nora says that it was. He then reveals to the court that Nora's husband had cheated before, with another woman, and that Nora had known about it. Nora says, "I thought it was over..." and then Ally's disco starts up. She closes her eyes and winces. Ling stands up and says that Nora's state of mind isn't relevant. The judge questions this, and Ling says, "Oh, whatever!" and sits back down. Nora continues to excuse herself to the prosecutor. Then she's singing "Never Can Say Goodbye." Ally looks around and sees that no one's surprised by this. Then the courtroom spectators get up and dance. The jury sings background. Nurses and paramedics wheel in a stretcher and dance. Ally lies on their outstretched hands and they put her on the stretcher with a red flashing ambulance light on her crotch. She smiles and waves goodbye to everyone. Then we see that she's actually unconscious on a stretcher, being wheeled out of the courtroom for real. She's wearing an oxygen mask. "She just lost consciousness!" says Ling. Ling and Mark have serious looks on their faces as they watch her go. I can't believe that Ally's copying Billy's death like that.
A doctor's checking Ally's eyes with a flashlight. She didn't die. Oh, well. Ling, Mark, and Elaine are watching from the doorway. The doctor's leaving and he tells them they can see her now. He says she simply fainted and asks if she's been under stress lately. Ling says that her old boyfriend died right in front of her. Ally tells them to quit talking about her as if she's not in the room. Elaine's feeling Mark up throughout this exchange. Ling walks up to Ally, saying, "Are you okay, sweetie? You look so awful, and sound bitchy." Ally says she's fine, that she just needs more sleep. "Maybe you have a brain tumor," says Ling, who then turns and asks the doctor if they're contagious. He says they aren't. The doctor tells Ally she can leave after one more test. Ling says they'll get back to court, then. Nora's therapist, Dr. Lipps (I think that's what she said) is on the stand. Ally prepared the testimony so she wants to question her. Mark offers to do it. "I don't want you doing it," Ally snarls. Mark smiles brightly and asks if he can have a sec alone with Ally. Elaine paws him some more, telling him she'll be waiting right outside. He thanks her. He sits on the edge of Ally's bed and starts: "Look, I don't know how to say this without sounding like a complete ass, but..." Ally says, "What?" Mark says that a person she loved has just died, but that he's detected some chemistry between himself and Ally. He asks if it's possible that she sees him as a person she could be interested in, and if she therefore loathes him. He follows this up with a gentle smile and an eyebrow raise. Ally waits a beat before replying that he was right -- he is unable to say that without sounding like a complete ass. Then she smiles, too. She asks if he really thinks that she could be interested in him. He says something about her protesting too much. The "touching" piano starts up as Ally tells Mark she does have a secret she'd like to share. She asks him to lean in so she can whisper. As he does, she tries to sock him in the face, but he catches her hand. It's a good thing physical assault is charming and not illegal or anything. He says he's glad to see her getting her strength back and excuses himself, kissing her hand. Ew. Then, as he's leaving, she throws a remote control unit at him. Without turning, he catches it, turns on her TV, and throws it back to her. Hardy, har. This is the kind of stuff that made the show funny in the olden days, but now it's just too late, I'm afraid. Nothing can redeem the trauma I've suffered at the hands of this season. Well, nothing but a brain tumor for Ally, I mean.
Dr. Lipps or whoever is on the stand, talking about rage making people lose control. She talks about the humiliation Nora suffered. Then the prosecutor takes his turn, saying that the doctor "managed to use all the right buzzwords." He asks if rage excuses murder. They argue. The prosecutor says that Nora's anger was certainly out of control. This prompts the sad oboe and chagrined glances all around.
At the office, Ally's telling Richard he should fire Mark. Ally, don't you have work to do? I think Richard should fire you. Richard says that he loved Billy as much as Ally did. Ally says he didn't. Richard says okay, that he only liked Billy, but the truth is that Billy was boring. He wants to change the subject but Ally won't let him. She wants to know why they have to move on so fast. He asks if she expects him to hold séances. He eventually gets his back to her and looks really sad. "BILLY IS DEAD!" Ally yells, and they loved him and Richard just went out and hired someone to fill up his office, and then she bawls. Richard says very soberly that maybe Ally can stand walking by Billy's office, but that he, Richard, can't. He says that they're all trying to get through this in their own way. Ally apologizes, saying that she knows Richard's been hurting, too. Richard says that Mark's a good lawyer who will bring in money and that's the bottom line. You can tell that he's really sad, though. Ally asks if he's okay and he says he's fine. She starts to leave but then turns and hugs him. He wipes at his eyes a little and then looks like he might cry after she leaves. This was a good scene.
"Murder Two?" Nora's asking. Ling says that's what the prosecutor's offering, but that it's still a life sentence and there's no use taking it unless Nora has no plans. Nora bellows that she's not taking a life sentence. "Don't take a tone with me, Nora," says Ling. "I wasn't the one who offed your husband. And you were a terrible crier." Ha. Gotta love Ling. For the second time this hour, Ally walks in and says, "What's going on?" For this she gets a salary? Ling tells her that Mark is giving the summation the day, because his nickname is The Closer. Ally says that that may have nothing to do with the way he practices law and asks where he is. Ling says, "He's in Bill--, er...-ly's office." Ally gulps at the air and says she'll go in their with an olive branch because Richard wants this to work.
Ally knocks on the office door and then enters and finds Mark in his own personal dental chair, having his teeth cleaned by some woman. "What the hell?" mutters Ally. Mark explains that he gets his teeth cleaned three times a week. Wacky Quirk Alert! Mark says it's the little things that win trials -- fresh breath, clean teeth. Ally asks what planet he's from and goes on bitchily until Mark asks if she's gonna cut him any slack at all. She calls him a nut. Sounds like the pecan calling the cashew crunchy, to me. She tells him not to mistake this for chemistry. He dismisses her, saying he has to work on his closing. He says he thought he might have some private space in his own office. "No, no, no, this isn't your office and it doesn't become your office with a stupid piece of tape!" yells Ally. Ally, please shut up and get off the screen, as your loathsomeness is becoming repetitive. Mark just nods, then leaves with his little napkin bib still on his neck. "Hey, thanks a lot for making me feel so damned welcome," he says softly. This reminds me of a woman who used to work with me at the Randall's deli. She was a total rude bitch to me for no reason at all until we all had to go to some deli-worker seminar downtown and she ended up having to ride there in my car. Then she spent the thirty-minute drive telling me about her abusive live-in boyfriend and all her other problems. Hi, Kathy! Enjoying the show?
At least our deli wasn't haunted, though. Billy appears in the chair that used to be his and tells Ally she has to give Mark a chance. Ally says she doesn't have to give Mark anything because he isn't Billy. They babble a bit and Ally says she hates Billy for dying. She carps that she can't even wear black because Billy wasn't hers, and maybe that's why she feels so alone. She says that life going on feels like an insult to him. He tells her to remember him once in a while, and that'll be enough. She asks what he'll do for her. He says he'll make sure it never rains when she's outside, but I think he was joking. Ally stands there for a moment to let the light shine on her eyes as if she's pretty or something. Then she tells him she needs to say goodbye. Billy says he knows that, too. They hug.
Nelle's following Richard around the firm, asking whether he promised Mark an eventual partnership and equity. Ling asks what's going on. "Richard and I are having a discussion," her so-called friend says dismissively. "Hmm," Ling says, and walks away. Nelle reminds Richard that he promised her she'd be the first associate to make partner. "If that doesn't happen..." she threatens. "Nelle, the promises I make are irrelevant," says Richard, not at all upset. "Why are they irrelevant?" asks Nelle testily. "Because I don't keep them," Richard says in his "Duh!" way. Nelle starts telling him that it would behoove him to keep this one. (Yes, she really did say "behoove.") She's cut off by Gloria Gaynor's singing, even though no one's supposed to be able to hear it. Ally comes out of the elevator wearing sunglasses and running from the phantom diva. Ally bumps into Richard and greets him and Nelle. "Hey. Still being chased by Gloria Gaynor?" asks Richard. Ally checks with them to make sure Ms. Gaynor's not really there. Nelle smirks as if Ally's behavior isn't frightening. Richard suggests that Ally fix up Gloria with Al Green. Ally argues that the distraction is good. Then we hear the beginning of Queen's "We Will Rock You." Ally says, "Oh, no. [gasp] At least it's not disco." But Richard says that he hears it, too. They follow their ears.
Okay, so this Mark guy is in his office, listening to Queen and doing this synchronized routine in his mirror. You all know how the song goes "clap, clap, CLAP!" right? On every third clap, Mark moves. First he's standing with his profile to the mirror, and on the clap, he snaps his head towards it. Then he jumps to face it full-on. Then he straightens his tie. Clap, clap, CLAP! He smiles to the left and smiles to the right. With each smile, we hear the "ting!" of sparkling teeth. Then he's raising his eyebrows on the beat. He's totally cracking me up. The other lawyers stare at him from the doorway with Elaine. Nelle's also amused. "I told you, Richard, this guy's a major kook. He should be in a rubber room!" bitches Ally, who is just jealous that her quirks are nowhere near as entertaining. Mark turns to face them, cranking off the jams with his remote. "Good morning, folks," says he. "What are you doing?" Ally asks in a syrupy voice. "Pre-trial anthem," Mark replies. Ha! Okay, that's all this show needed to come back: Freddie Mercury. Mark says he likes to fill himself with a theme song before he closes. "A theme song?" repeats Ally for the closed-captioning-impaired. "And fresh breath," says Mark, spritzing his mouth with breath spray. He's cool because he's so totally deadpan. I think they could actually just replace John Cage with this guy. Ally asks what Mark's going to say in his closing. The scene changes in reply.
The prosecutor closes, saying that law and order means that you don't use violence to quell pangs of jealousy. Mark closes his eyes and meditates on theme song. Ally has to snap him out of it when it's time for him to close. He gets up and Ling whispers that his bulb is a little dim. Ally smiles and we know that she'll end up trying to get it on with Mark before the season's over. "Law and order," The Closer begins, "is a television show, albeit a good one." He says stuff about people thinking their love is immortal. Ally hears this in major reverb, because of course anything that anyone ever says is about her. Mark talks about Nora's center (or was it her world?) imploding when she finds out her love wasn't real. Mark goes on and on about love and loss, strumming Ally's life and actually causing Nora to sniffle.
The Wicked Witch theme plays as Ling struts down the courthouse hall and into the room already containing Mark, Nora, and Ally. They're eating lunch. Ling informs them that the prosecutor just offered manslaughter. Nora asks Mark if they should take the plea bargain, but Mark says manslaughter's the worst offer. Ling says she'll turn the offer down so they can go for it. Nora agrees, but says she needs to go for a walk to calm her nerves. Ling follows her out. Ally turns from the window (she's not eating -- surprise!) and asks Mark what he knows about Billy and her. I hope Mark says, "Nothing, and I'd like to keep it that way, so shut your cake hole, please." For some reason, though, he doesn't. He goes, "You used to date him. Why?" Ally tells him that his closing had an impact on her. As much as she mourns his loss, she realizes that she feels empty because they'd broken up and she doesn't feel entitled to cling to his love and blah, blah, blah. Mark asks if their love was real at one point. She says it was. He says she is entitled to cling to it, then, and that she should remember Billy the way she wants and not the way he was right before he died. Ally looks at Mark like, "Ooh, probe my psyche, baby! Don't stop!" Ling comes in and says it's time for the verdict.
Nora's found not guilty by reason of temporary insanity. Woo hoo for her.
At the bar that night, Gloria Gaynor sings "I Will Survive" while idiots dance The Hustle. Nelle asks Richard if he's heard from John. "I think he'll be back soon," says Fish. Ally asks if that's Gloria Gaynor "up there, for real." "You want me to tell you?" says Elaine. Ally says she'd better not. Mark walks up and asks Ally to dance. WHATEVER. I'm so sure. If there really are so many men who love women like Ally, I wish they'd all line up at my door right now so I could kick them in the heads, one by one. Ally says, "Actually, I'm gonna head home." How many times has she said this before? I'm waiting for someone to say, "Time for your nightly sidewalk pout, eh, Ally?" Mark turns to Elaine, saying, "Sylvie?" She purrs, "It's Elaine. I'd love to," and takes his hand. Ally has to interrupt to tell Mark "welcome" and shake his hand. I thought you were leaving, Ally McEgo. Mark leads Elaine to the dance floor, telling her, "Don't hump me." "I'll try not to," she says. I would way rather be humped by Elaine than scraped against by Ally, but maybe I'm just a freak. Ally says goodnight and turns down Ling's offer to walk her home. Richard stands and quietly apologizes for his insensitivity. He asks if she's okay and she says "I'm surviving." Oh, SHUT UP. Then she kisses him -- on the mouth. Hold on, now...step off, skank! Richard, quick, boil some water!
Ally turns to watch La Gaynor for a moment longer before starting her weekly Sidewalk McBealing. It's raining. She looks up and says, "Very funny" to Billy. Then we're treated to Vonda and Billy/Ally flashbacks. Ally looks like a drenched, mangy cat as she plods home. She stops on her stoop and says, "See ya" to the sky. Then Billy's face appears in a cloud and he tells her, "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!" Okay, just kidding...but that would've been cool, right?