Previously: John thought Nelle was a bitch. Nelle thought John was a freak. Billy saw a doctor about his hallucinations. Billy told Georgia that he had a brain tumor. Man, I miss one episode and I'm all out of the loop.
Billy is breaking the news to Ally in her office. She asks if it's in his head. He tells her that no; it's in his ass. "I have a brain tumor in my ass," he repeats for "comic effect." This is the "light-hearted" portion of the show. Ally asks if he's going to get it removed. He's going in for more tests. He said he wanted to tell her personally: "You know, you probably helped bring it on. Kidding." Ally isn't fazed. She asks if he's going to die. "Well, huh. No. I'm not gonna die. They think it's benign, but it's just, you know..." "A brain tumor." "Yeah."
The opening credits are so fierce after this quiet brain tumor scene that I actually jump. I thought the cats were fighting outside. That Vonda needs a muffler.
Minutes later, Elaine wiggles up to Ally and asks, with a grin, if she had heard about Billy's brain tumor. Ally asks Elaine to not be so excited about it. Elaine tries to go on, but Ally shushes her. Ally joins the others in a meeting. Richard asks where John is and Nelle snaps that he should be there. People give her looks. Richard starts with Billy's brain tumor. He says that people should give him support and just treat him normally and that he would want it that way. Then he says that he's talking about him like he's "already dead" and continues to stammer and "bygones" until Billy interrupts to tell him to calm down. He says it could be nothing: "I'm going in for some more tests. When I know..." He looks at Nelle and her breasts enlarge from inside her blue shirt and droop down onto the table. I'm not kidding. "...more," Billy continues, and his excitement on "more" gets Ally's attention. And my eye-rolling. He continues to stare at Nelle and she begins growling and wiggling for him. A computer tongue snaps out of her mouth and wraps itself around Billy's head and pulls him to her breasts. Suddenly things are back to normal and everyone is staring at Billy, except for Nelle, who is alternately staring at Billy and her breasts. The thirteen-year-old kid from downstairs calls me and asks how he can "get me one of them brain tumors like that guy." Billy excuses himself from the table. And Ling comes in with the cap: "I hope he's not gonna milk this." Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! Try the veal. She'll be here all week. Richard brings up this episode's court case. Ally says it's an annulment case. Richard asks if Billy is first chair on the case. She says he is. "Do you think that's wise, Ally, with the tumor and thing?" Richard asks, with hands over his head to give the International Sign for Brain Tumor. Ally sees nothing wrong with having Billy on the case. She says she'll talk to him, though. This is done with stammering and staring, but that's the beauty of your getting to read the recap instead of actually watching the show. My loss, your gain.
Elaine bounces in without a bra (your loss, my gain) to announce that there's a problem with the Biscuit. Everyone walks into the main lobby to see John's lower half hanging out of the elevator. He's stuck between floors. The elevator is slammed into his briefcase and his legs are flailing about. Elaine says that the fire department has been called and that they are on their way. "Does this mean I'm gonna have to take the stairs?" Ling pouts. John kicks some more and (unfortunately) narrowly misses Ally's head. And that's hard to do. Richard yells that help is on the way. John asks if someone could perhaps bring him a spritzer. Elaine notices that John's "little socks don't match." While Elaine thinks this is cute, Ally looks appalled, and John begins kicking his legs again. Nelle looks around as if she's extremely uncomfortable and thinks that everyone is now judging her because she dates the flailing legs. Or maybe she has to pee. I don't know. She's a jerky one, that Nelle.
Sandy is picking up folders in Billy's office and putting them in "file places." I like to think that's what she calls them. She's distraught. She asks Billy if there's anything else that she can do. Billy tells her to "take a hike." He continues: "Sandy, I don't know who your Mister Right may be, but the odds of him being an older man just coming off a divorce with a brain tumor?" "I'm not going away," Sandy starts, but Billy interrupts to say he's pushing her away. He literally pushes her away as he says it. "Hey, I might come out of this fine, but, look, if I suddenly go into surgery tomorrow and as they're pulling me down the hospital corridor? I don't see your hand as the one I want to be holding." He walks away from her as she starts crying. "I get it," she says quietly. Billy looks up and Sandy is now completely naked with her hair covering the "important bits" as she says, "You're just trying to spare me pain." Billy drops the books in his hand at the sight of his naked secretary, as if he hasn't seen her naked before. She's clothed again as she asks, "Billy?" "What?" he says back. He says that he's only thinking of himself. Sandy makes a tearful exit.
I had to write all of that down before I got angry about it and wouldn't write any more of it. I can't believe this brain tumor is supposed to excuse Billy's (read: David E. Kelley's) misogynistic behavior this entire season, and that the only thing we have to look forward to as it grows (huh-huh) is full-on frontal nudity and booby-swelling. Billy doesn't have a tumor. He's stuck in an '80s Scott Baio film.
Ally walks into Billy's office as Sandy leaves, but for some reason Ally's clothes stay on, thank Saint Clare. Ally says that the procedure -- "uh...proceeding" -- should be easy enough for her to do on her own. Billy says he doesn't want to be treated like "a patient." Ally reminds him that he's been having hallucinations. He points out that she has hallucinations all the time. "But I know when I'm having them," Ally lies like a big-fat-fatty liar. But without the "fat" part. Billy says he's starting to figure out when he's having them too. He wants to work and knows it's the best thing for him. He says he can do it, and Ally acquiesces. She asks what the doctors have said. He says that the doctors have assured him it's probably benign. She asks if he wants her to go with him. He says that Georgia's going with him. Ally pouts and gets up to leave. She turns back around to baby, "Love you." Billy returns with the, "Love you, too," but it sounds so spiteful. Ally smiles and starts to leave, but Billy stops her and says that he'd love for her to come with him if she doesn't mind. "Sure," she says flippantly, and leaves.
The court case has already started because things move pretty quickly around here. Religious McBadhusband is on the witness stand, saying that he and his Wife hadn't been "intimate" prior to his wedding night. He doesn't believe in premarital sex and neither does his new wife, Angela. Angela, by the way, looks like she just walked off the set of The Howard Stern Show, so I'm already having a hard time buying that. I think it's the purple bustier giving it away. Religious McBadhusband says that he met Angela in church and they bonded over the morals and values that they shared. "Values," he says again, quite loudly, into the microphone. The lawyer asks about his wedding night. "Dear Penthouse," he says (he doesn't, but he might as well), "It was wonderful. We had a bottle of champagne and there was a candle by the bed. She came out of the bathroom wearing a provocative, sheer robe. She let it fall to the floor. She was a goddess. Then she climbed into bed and I, I went to her...I nuzzled into her breasts, which I had been longing to do for over two years, the entire period of our courtship and as I pressed my head into them, that's when I discovered it." "Discovered what?" the lawyer asks. "They were fake. They felt like petrified whoopie cushions. Two big rocks with nipples." "Implants?" the outraged lawyer asks. "Yes. What kind of a Lutheran would do that?" Ally sneaks a peek at Angela's exposed boobies, and Angela fakes some modesty with her cardigan. Okay. Lutheran guy. Never touched or "nuzzled" boobies before in his life. Totally knows fake boobs when he feels them? What. Ever. This guy should be happy he finally got to touch some. And I thought he said his wedding night was "wonderful." He says that as they started talking about it he found out that she'd had her nose done and cheek implants. "And her tummy..." he stops here, as if this is all too much for him. The lawyer asks him to continue. "TUCKED!" he says so forcefully into the microphone that it sounds like he shouted, "FUCKED!" I'm sure it was on purpose. The makeup artists on this show apparently figure that if you over-tweeze someone's eyebrows and give them shimmer under their eyes that it'll make them look like their face is chiseled. This girl ain't got nothing on The Whipper. Religious McBadhusband said that he originally tried to stay together and make things work, but he ultimately married someone whom she said she wasn't. The lawyer asks why he doesn't just want a divorce. Why the annulment? Religious McBadhusband says that he never had a real marriage and he doesn't want to have "baggage." I think he means "payments."
Ally asks if Religious McBadhusband only married Angela for her physical traits. He says that he didn't, but a person who lies about a physicality, "a person who's not content to live in the body that God gave her, that speaks about a person." Ally offers that it speaks about a person's vanity -- that if you marry someone for better or worse, it shouldn't matter if she's vain. Religious McBadhusband says that it speaks to more than that, and that he can tell that Ally's "had a little work done." Ally freaks out and says she has not had any work done. She wants that remark removed from the record. Then she wants it back in. Good job. Defend the person who's had the work done and then make it sound like having work done is a terrible thing. How much does Ally make per year? Because I might be able to try her cases from home.
Ally is now in the doctor's office with Billy and Georgia and is still going on about Religious McBadhusband having said she had work done. She's asking them to tell her whether she looks like she's had work done. Ally. Brain tumor. Big Life Decisions. Please try to stay on task and not be such a selfish bitch. I know it's hard for you. Ally pouts and plops herself into one of the chairs, and she looks like Lily Tomlin about to say, "And that's the truth," and then give a little raspberry. The doctor comes in and brings a nurse to help him with his English. The tumor is benign, but it is near his left temporal lobe, which is difficult to operate. The doctor says he'd rather shrink it than do surgery. The nurse says they'd like to bring in Billy for MRIs over the few days to see how it's growing. Billy nods. "And also while I have you," the nurse continues, "I'd like to give you a little oral sex." Billy looks up. Mischievous music. "Are you okay?" the nurse asks. Ally looks at Billy to see if he's okay. Georgia looks at Ally, to figure out what that scrawny woman has done to her ex-husband this time. The oboe looks at me for an answer. I don't know why this is happening, so we go to a commercial.
There is a preview of this week's Get Real and Mitch looks just too happy about holding his daughter in an embrace. Man, that show is getting creepy.
John is on his cell phone talking to Richard who is standing at John's feet, but has his back turned to him. He's explaining that they have to go through security measures to make sure the cables don't break in the elevator and cut John in half. Ling interrupts to say that she has a meeting scheduled at two. "Is that thing going to be working?" Richard asks if she could show some compassion. "For me?" Ling asks, confused. Nelle asks how John is doing. Richard says he's surly. Nelle takes the phone away from him and says to John, "Hi." "Nice of you to drop by, Nelle, and show your concern," John says. Nelle says she knows it's not the best time but she thinks that they aren't working out and that they should start seeing other people. There is a moment of silence on the other line while Nelle calls his name. Then we hear a nose whistle. She explains "nose whistle" offhandedly to Ling and the shocked Richard. "You're breaking up with me?" John asks. "Yes," Nelle says, as if she's already incredibly busy. John asks if they could discuss it. Nelle says that she's already made up her mind: "No need to leave you dangling, pardon the pun!" John Porky Pigs as Nelle explains that she "adores" him, but that it's not right for the two of them and that they'll talk more when he gets out. Richard is amazed. Ling seems proud.
Back at What's Love Got To Do With It, Angela explains that she never misrepresented herself to Religious McBadhusband. Billy asks whether she was misrepresenting herself physically. She says that everybody tries to make themselves look better or younger. She just chooses a facial peel instead of moisturizer. Ally makes a gross-sneer. "So I had implants instead of a WonderBra," Angela continues, and Ally suddenly looks guilty. She said she didn't know Religious McBadhusband was such an "imbecile." She continues with, "But in marriage, you take people for what they are, not sue them for what they're not." She says that after making love to Religious McBadhusband she has a claim herself. She makes an inch sign with her fingers and says, "Teeny." The Judge looks uncomfortable, and Ally looks like she's fantasizing about Car Wash Guy.
The cross-examination brings up all of the herbal drugs Angela takes. He goes through a list until Billy shouts an objection for badgering. "'Bout time you sprung into action," Naked Angela wiggles, adding, "Big Boy." "Big Boy"? Who says that? Billy stands with his mouth open. Big Boy?
Richard tells Nelle that he's so outraged he's thinking about firing her. She brings up the fact that it's not really legal for him to do so. As she goes on about how she had to break up with John and maybe she was a bit cruel, her shoes start pumping up and down. She snarls that he still has his clicker. She says that Ling told her the best time to break up with a man was when he was in a crisis. Richard says that she is handling this badly. Nelle reminds Richard that John doesn't even like her: "He likes my hair, maybe." She says that John thinks she's a big snot bitch. "He finds it repugnant that I would never date a janitor." And she thinks he's "weird." She then goes on (and on and on and on) about the "funny-looking people he represented" and how he identified with them and she doesn't and how he invited them to dinner and how she couldn't even eat when they were around: "I've tried to be tolerant, but it's one damn thing after another!" Everyone is staring now. Richard leans in and says that he thinks she should discuss it with John. Nelle continues her body-jerks and head-flips and says that she can't because today he "managed to get himself wedged into an elevator." Elaine walks up as Nelle walks off and says that John should be out within an hour. Thanks for the continuity update, Elaine.
Richard walks up to Billy and asks how the case is going. He isn't really listening to Billy, but rather is studying his head. Billy is talking about the case, but suddenly there are Scary Violins and Drums and a shot of Billy standing all by himself in the room. "Where did everybody go?" he shouts. Richard waves his hand in front of Billy's face and says he's right there. Billy stammers something about needing to get to work. Richard tries to talk to Billy for a second and says that he's not good about things when they are bad: "I go into surf mode." "You wanna grab the remote and fast-forward to a happy ending?" Billy asks. Richard agrees as Billy starts to walk off. Music starts playing and Billy whips around to ask Richard what he just did. Richard is clueless. Billy continues to hear music and seems to be a bit frightened that he's just stepped over into Ally's world. Billy starts to leave, but then he hears quite clearly "Love Machine." Oh, dear Lord. Suddenly there are these computer-generated images of the Ladies of Ally McBeal dancing all over the tables of the lobby. There's better graphics in my Spice Playstation game. Billy is frightened. I'm terrified of how much this scene must have cost. Billy asks if Richard can see anything. He can't. Then the dancers go back to Solid Gold heaven. Richard asks what's wrong. Billy says he needs to call his doctor. Fade to black and commercial. Hey, Bill? Can you see if he'd write me something for some Valium? Thanks.
John is on a stretcher on his way to the hospital. Ling asks when the elevator is going to be ready. Elaine says it'll be an hour. She asks why Ling is so obsessed over the elevator. Ling explains, "Hey, some of us have lives, Elaine. I'll either have to take the stairs or risk a facial." Elaine apologizes for just thinking about Billy's brain tumor. We call this scene "stalling."
The doctor is in Billy's office asking about the dancing hallucinations. Ally and Georgia sit side-by-side on the office couch like the doctors in the death scene from All That Jazz. (And I realize that with that I may have tried to pull off the oldest pop culture reference in Mighty Big TV history. But I think I'm okay with that. My science is that tight). Ally says that the hallucinations seem to be coming more frequently. The doctor asks to speak with Billy alone. Georgia and Ally leave. The doctor tries to joke about the hallucinations, but Billy isn't really interested. The doctor says that they will probably have to take out the brain tumor. He says that it's growing at a more rapid pace. He says they can do it this weekend. Billy says that seems so soon. As Billy is saying that if the doctor thinks it's the best thing to do, they should do it, the opening strains of Lean On Me chime in. Oh, I'm hoping it isn't going to be Vonda. Fortunately, it isn't. It's the doctor singing to Billy in another hallucination. It goes back and forth between "reality" and "singing doctor" and each one of the lines is supposed to "mean something" but the song is so overused I'm refusing to buy into it. You know the words. You figure it out. Billy says he's going to close this case first and then go home and rest.
John is in a hospital bed. Nelle comes in to check on him. He's having some lower back pain and is in traction for a few days because of some swelling. He says that she could have done it face to face instead of to "his buttocks." She says that she's never been good at breaking up with people and when she saw him dangling she seized the chance: "Also, whenever I do something where I might be unlikable, I, I don't know, I embrace being a total bitch. There's more power in that. I do adore you." John says he's going to get some rest. Nelle goes to leave and she tells him that they both knew it was coming. "Onward and upward then," John says. "Yeah. Yeah! I hope you feel better." I have nothing funny to say about the break-up scene in honor of the ninety thousand break-ups I've heard about in the past two months. (But...orange and blue, Nelle? Come on. Sorry, I had to put in one.) Nelle leaves and John sits quietly as the scene starts voicing-over. "A marriage is a union..."
"...a contract." The lawyer says that in this case Angela didn't represent who she really was. His client considers the body to be God's work. A temple. And in this case, she rebuilt her temple and changed what God intended her to be. How is she supposed to explain to her children that they should love their bodies when she changed hers? He says that this kind of "overhaul" says something about a person, and that wasn't the person Religious McBadhusband thought he was marrying.
Billy starts his closing statement by saying that nobody marries the person they think they are marrying. People change: "Point is, you take your partner for better or worse." Billy makes several points about people ruining the sanctity of marriage and with each one he snaps his fingers and says, "Boom!" He points out (or, shouts out, as it were, since this show is on FOX) the Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire show as an example of the degradation of marriage. He then turns to Ally and quietly asks if that show was really on or if he hallucinated it. Ally quietly tells him it happened. "Where the hell is the sanctity?" Billy whips back around. "It's supposed to mean something." Billy goes on about how marriage shouldn't be about what you can get out of it: "It's supposed..." He turns and stares at Ally. "You see that woman? I've been married to her for twelve years. And every day I go home to her and our kids. It's everything. It's so everything." Ally is stunned. The judge asks him to get back on track. "What I'm trying to say. In the end. Love is the only thing that counts." He turns back to Ally: "I've loved her since I was eight years old. We've never been apart. Not a single day. And I will love her for all my days. And that's all that counts. It's all that will ever count. All of my heart. Forever." Ally smiles and Billy gets a distant look. He says that he needs to rest. He sits down on the floor and falls back. There is much commotion as Ally runs to Billy and yells that he's stopped breathing. The judge doesn't even leave his bench to shout, "Get the paramedic!" and people mostly stand and gasp and no one offers to do CPR and Ally sorta mushy-pushes on Billy's chest for a few seconds, but really tries the mouth-to-mouth thing. She then gets very upset and starts shouting at him to breathe and then real words aren't really coming out of her mouth anymore and it's mostly noises and the sound of fear and sadness and (okayit'sactuallyprettygood). People are still milling around the courtroom and Ally is just lying on Billy and kissing his chin and crying to him. Fade to white.
In the white we hear Vonda start up, ruining everything. I smell a montage! Young Billy and Ally. Older Billy and Ally kiss. Young Billy. Ally on a slide. Billy chasing her. Some weird shot when Vonda sings "Never knew it 'til he moved away" where some youngish Billy with a backwards baseball cap is removing himself from the arms of a youngish Ally who's wearing a Bermuda shirt and pigtails. It looks like she's trapped in a sandbox. And it looks like they're stuck in the True Blue video that won MTV and Madonna's "Make My Video" contest. Billy at the bar. Ally smiling. Billy and Ally against a wall. Billy and Ally shaking hands. Hugging. Montage ends as Ally keeps crying. An overhead shot of Ally stroking Billy's head as one extra goes running by inches from them, but doesn't offer any help.
Ally exits the elevator in the firm's lobby. She asks for everyone's attention. She gets it immediately, of course. "About forty minutes ago...um...Billy Thomas passed away. Uh, he...he went quiet...quietly, and...peacefully." And except for one guy in the back who goes back to his paper until the extra to him nudges him and then he shakes his head like, "I never met the guy," the scene is very, very quiet and really quite sad. Nobody moves. Fade to black.
Richard enters John's hospital room and tells him he has bad news. "Uh, Billy...Billy while in court today suffered a cerebral hemmorage. And he died." He says it was connected to the tumor. "I wish there was something I could say." Richard breaks down as John sits frozen. Very nice scene.
Ally sits at her desk. Ling walks in and tells Ally that Georgia is with Billy's parents and the service is tomorrow. Why is she still at work? Ling asks if she's okay and Ally says, "Oh, you know." "Yeah. I'm here." "I know. Thanks." I would have thought that Ally would be on the phone to Renee or her parents or even Billy's parents, but she's not.
As Ally leans back she hears Billy say, "It's gone now. The tumor's gone." "And so are you." She says. Hallucination Billy has his normal hair back now. That's how Ally liked it. "You left me again," she says as if she's very tired. "Have you met God?" she asks. "You, uh, you have to sign some confidentiality agreements when you get there." She asks him to tell God that she hates him. He says it wouldn't be true. "Yes, it would." She asks if he's going to haunt her now. Haunting and hallucinations are two different things. Oh, and Heaven apparently has a strict gingham and polka dot dress code. "We had something, didn't we?" he asks, completely solidifying that this is a hallucination. "We screwed it up, but...have you, uh, ever known any two people to have what we had?" Tearful Ally shakes her head several times and says, "No...I'm glad your hair is back to normal now." Billy stands up and walks over to her. He gets on his knees and says, "All my heart. Forever." They kiss. Ally holds him and asks him to come back. He says he can't. "It's stronger than death," he says with a smile. Oh, man. They start up with "You Belong To Me," and even I'm not this strong. I'm all teary as Billy and Ally dance and cry and kiss and dance and laugh and have a very nice moment that's really just Ghost but I don't care because I love this song and the only thing holding me back from bawling is Vonda. Dammit. At one point Billy pulls away with his hands open wide.
It's because Georgia has walked into the room. Billy is gone. Ally composes herself and says hello. She asks how Georgia is doing. She says she's still numb. She asks if Ally knows about the service. They agree to keep the service "peppy," and that he would want everyone to laugh. There's a moment where Georgia gets a bit distant and you can tell that she's wondering how she's going to be written off the show. She asks Ally if he went peacefully. Ally, in a rare expression of compassion, says that as she went to him he said, "Tell Georgia I love her." This makes Georgia very happy, and the tears start coming. They pull themselves together and say they will plan a fun funeral.
Church. Funeral. The preacher tells a story about running into a man on the street shouting into the air that he hates God. When the preacher asked why he was doing that, the man responded, "Hey, at least I believe in him." He says some days that's all you can do. This is one of those days. The Palmer Girls are there. And yes, they're wearing what you'd think they were wearing. As the preacher goes on about Billy's life, Ally has more dancing memories to Vonda's massacre. The preacher calls Ally to speak, but she's still somewhere else. Richard tells her she's up. As Ally stands, she gives a sharp inhale. She's run into Billy. He smiles at her and his polka dot tie gives a wink. She smiles and walks through him and for a second I thought she was going to have a Poltergeist moment where she would shout about how she could smell him or feel him, but instead she just gets up to speak: "I've heard it said that as you're about to pass into the world that the final truth of this world hits you. And the last thing Billy spoke about, right before he sat down in the courthouse, was love. How it was all that mattered. He, um, he seemed so lost in these last few months, but looking at him in the courthouse right before he died, he suddenly seemed so found. He, he um, said to me recently, he said, "It's stronger than death.' And I wasn't sure what he meant. Now I am. When we were little we, we would talk about this day. Actually we would sing about it. He would sing this song. 'And when I die, and when I'm gone, there'll be one child born, in the world to carry on.' And that child, that, that child has big shoes to fill." She looks upward. "Billy Thomas. With all of my heart. Forever." Nelle tries not to cry. Ally smiles and says, "Oh, and, uh...as for Heaven..." She punches her fist and the choir picks up with, "There's a new man in town" and for the first time all season I don't hate it. I'm getting soft. Everyone is in tears, but they get up to dance and sway and clap. Georgia, however, doesn't really look like she's in peace at all. The Palmer Girls get up to do moves as well. The preacher is wiggling.
In his hospital bed, John is very sad.
The choir picks up and the audience has a hard time keeping up with the clapping. The song comes to a crescendo and then slows down for the lead to sing, "Don't want to die uneasy. Just let me go naturally. And when I die, when I'm dead, dead and gone, there'll be one child born in a world to carry on." The camera pans up to the window. Everyone is very sad. I'm still holding on, though.
But here's where I lose it. Vonda aside, they've picked a song that kills me. Carole King's "Home Again" begins playing as Ally walks up in the dark to Billy's headstone. So I'm bawling now, okay? There you go. But it's only because I'm thinking about my mommy. Georgia walks up to the headstone and joins Ally. They look at each other and back at the headstone. They hold each other. Pan up and end of episode.
And there's nothing I can say that's funny about that.