Previously: John thought Nelle was a bitch. Nelle thought John was a freak. Billy saw a doctor about his hallucinations. Billy told Georgia that he had a brain tumor. Man, I miss one episode and I'm all out of the loop.
Billy is breaking the news to Ally in her office. She asks if it's in his head. He tells her that no; it's in his ass. "I have a brain tumor in my ass," he repeats for "comic effect." This is the "light-hearted" portion of the show. Ally asks if he's going to get it removed. He's going in for more tests. He said he wanted to tell her personally: "You know, you probably helped bring it on. Kidding." Ally isn't fazed. She asks if he's going to die. "Well, huh. No. I'm not gonna die. They think it's benign, but it's just, you know..." "A brain tumor." "Yeah."
The opening credits are so fierce after this quiet brain tumor scene that I actually jump. I thought the cats were fighting outside. That Vonda needs a muffler.
Minutes later, Elaine wiggles up to Ally and asks, with a grin, if she had heard about Billy's brain tumor. Ally asks Elaine to not be so excited about it. Elaine tries to go on, but Ally shushes her. Ally joins the others in a meeting. Richard asks where John is and Nelle snaps that he should be there. People give her looks. Richard starts with Billy's brain tumor. He says that people should give him support and just treat him normally and that he would want it that way. Then he says that he's talking about him like he's "already dead" and continues to stammer and "bygones" until Billy interrupts to tell him to calm down. He says it could be nothing: "I'm going in for some more tests. When I know..." He looks at Nelle and her breasts enlarge from inside her blue shirt and droop down onto the table. I'm not kidding. "...more," Billy continues, and his excitement on "more" gets Ally's attention. And my eye-rolling. He continues to stare at Nelle and she begins growling and wiggling for him. A computer tongue snaps out of her mouth and wraps itself around Billy's head and pulls him to her breasts. Suddenly things are back to normal and everyone is staring at Billy, except for Nelle, who is alternately staring at Billy and her breasts. The thirteen-year-old kid from downstairs calls me and asks how he can "get me one of them brain tumors like that guy." Billy excuses himself from the table. And Ling comes in with the cap: "I hope he's not gonna milk this." Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! Try the veal. She'll be here all week. Richard brings up this episode's court case. Ally says it's an annulment case. Richard asks if Billy is first chair on the case. She says he is. "Do you think that's wise, Ally, with the tumor and thing?" Richard asks, with hands over his head to give the International Sign for Brain Tumor. Ally sees nothing wrong with having Billy on the case. She says she'll talk to him, though. This is done with stammering and staring, but that's the beauty of your getting to read the recap instead of actually watching the show. My loss, your gain.
Elaine bounces in without a bra (your loss, my gain) to announce that there's a problem with the Biscuit. Everyone walks into the main lobby to see John's lower half hanging out of the elevator. He's stuck between floors. The elevator is slammed into his briefcase and his legs are flailing about. Elaine says that the fire department has been called and that they are on their way. "Does this mean I'm gonna have to take the stairs?" Ling pouts. John kicks some more and (unfortunately) narrowly misses Ally's head. And that's hard to do. Richard yells that help is on the way. John asks if someone could perhaps bring him a spritzer. Elaine notices that John's "little socks don't match." While Elaine thinks this is cute, Ally looks appalled, and John begins kicking his legs again. Nelle looks around as if she's extremely uncomfortable and thinks that everyone is now judging her because she dates the flailing legs. Or maybe she has to pee. I don't know. She's a jerky one, that Nelle.
Sandy is picking up folders in Billy's office and putting them in "file places." I like to think that's what she calls them. She's distraught. She asks Billy if there's anything else that she can do. Billy tells her to "take a hike." He continues: "Sandy, I don't know who your Mister Right may be, but the odds of him being an older man just coming off a divorce with a brain tumor?" "I'm not going away," Sandy starts, but Billy interrupts to say he's pushing her away. He literally pushes her away as he says it. "Hey, I might come out of this fine, but, look, if I suddenly go into surgery tomorrow and as they're pulling me down the hospital corridor? I don't see your hand as the one I want to be holding." He walks away from her as she starts crying. "I get it," she says quietly. Billy looks up and Sandy is now completely naked with her hair covering the "important bits" as she says, "You're just trying to spare me pain." Billy drops the books in his hand at the sight of his naked secretary, as if he hasn't seen her naked before. She's clothed again as she asks, "Billy?" "What?" he says back. He says that he's only thinking of himself. Sandy makes a tearful exit.
I had to write all of that down before I got angry about it and wouldn't write any more of it. I can't believe this brain tumor is supposed to excuse Billy's (read: David E. Kelley's) misogynistic behavior this entire season, and that the only thing we have to look forward to as it grows (huh-huh) is full-on frontal nudity and booby-swelling. Billy doesn't have a tumor. He's stuck in an '80s Scott Baio film.
“ Billy points out that Ally has hallucinations all the time. 'But I know when I'm having them,' Ally lies like a big-fat-fatty liar. But without the "fat" part. ”
Ally walks into Billy's office as Sandy leaves, but for some reason Ally's clothes stay on, thank Saint Clare. Ally says that the procedure -- "uh...proceeding" -- should be easy enough for her to do on her own. Billy says he doesn't want to be treated like "a patient." Ally reminds him that he's been having hallucinations. He points out that she has hallucinations all the time. "But I know when I'm having them," Ally lies like a big-fat-fatty liar. But without the "fat" part. Billy says he's starting to figure out when he's having them too. He wants to work and knows it's the best thing for him. He says he can do it, and Ally acquiesces. She asks what the doctors have said. He says that the doctors have assured him it's probably benign. She asks if he wants her to go with him. He says that Georgia's going with him. Ally pouts and gets up to leave. She turns back around to baby, "Love you." Billy returns with the, "Love you, too," but it sounds so spiteful. Ally smiles and starts to leave, but Billy stops her and says that he'd love for her to come with him if she doesn't mind. "Sure," she says flippantly, and leaves.
The court case has already started because things move pretty quickly around here. Religious McBadhusband is on the witness stand, saying that he and his Wife hadn't been "intimate" prior to his wedding night. He doesn't believe in premarital sex and neither does his new wife, Angela. Angela, by the way, looks like she just walked off the set of The Howard Stern Show, so I'm already having a hard time buying that. I think it's the purple bustier giving it away. Religious McBadhusband says that he met Angela in church and they bonded over the morals and values that they shared. "Values," he says again, quite loudly, into the microphone. The lawyer asks about his wedding night. "Dear Penthouse," he says (he doesn't, but he might as well), "It was wonderful. We had a bottle of champagne and there was a candle by the bed. She came out of the bathroom wearing a provocative, sheer robe. She let it fall to the floor. She was a goddess. Then she climbed into bed and I, I went to her...I nuzzled into her breasts, which I had been longing to do for over two years, the entire period of our courtship and as I pressed my head into them, that's when I discovered it." "Discovered what?" the lawyer asks. "They were fake. They felt like petrified whoopie cushions. Two big rocks with nipples." "Implants?" the outraged lawyer asks. "Yes. What kind of a Lutheran would do that?" Ally sneaks a peek at Angela's exposed boobies, and Angela fakes some modesty with her cardigan. Okay. Lutheran guy. Never touched or "nuzzled" boobies before in his life. Totally knows fake boobs when he feels them? What. Ever. This guy should be happy he finally got to touch some. And I thought he said his wedding night was "wonderful." He says that as they started talking about it he found out that she'd had her nose done and cheek implants. "And her tummy..." he stops here, as if this is all too much for him. The lawyer asks him to continue. "TUCKED!" he says so forcefully into the microphone that it sounds like he shouted, "FUCKED!" I'm sure it was on purpose. The makeup artists on this show apparently figure that if you over-tweeze someone's eyebrows and give them shimmer under their eyes that it'll make them look like their face is chiseled. This girl ain't got nothing on The Whipper. Religious McBadhusband said that he originally tried to stay together and make things work, but he ultimately married someone whom she said she wasn't. The lawyer asks why he doesn't just want a divorce. Why the annulment? Religious McBadhusband says that he never had a real marriage and he doesn't want to have "baggage." I think he means "payments."
Ally asks if Religious McBadhusband only married Angela for her physical traits. He says that he didn't, but a person who lies about a physicality, "a person who's not content to live in the body that God gave her, that speaks about a person." Ally offers that it speaks about a person's vanity -- that if you marry someone for better or worse, it shouldn't matter if she's vain. Religious McBadhusband says that it speaks to more than that, and that he can tell that Ally's "had a little work done." Ally freaks out and says she has not had any work done. She wants that remark removed from the record. Then she wants it back in. Good job. Defend the person who's had the work done and then make it sound like having work done is a terrible thing. How much does Ally make per year? Because I might be able to try her cases from home.
Ally is now in the doctor's office with Billy and Georgia and is still going on about Religious McBadhusband having said she had work done. She's asking them to tell her whether she looks like she's had work done. Ally. Brain tumor. Big Life Decisions. Please try to stay on task and not be such a selfish bitch. I know it's hard for you. Ally pouts and plops herself into one of the chairs, and she looks like Lily Tomlin about to say, "And that's the truth," and then give a little raspberry. The doctor comes in and brings a nurse to help him with his English. The tumor is benign, but it is near his left temporal lobe, which is difficult to operate. The doctor says he'd rather shrink it than do surgery. The nurse says they'd like to bring in Billy for MRIs over the few days to see how it's growing. Billy nods. "And also while I have you," the nurse continues, "I'd like to give you a little oral sex." Billy looks up. Mischievous music. "Are you okay?" the nurse asks. Ally looks at Billy to see if he's okay. Georgia looks at Ally, to figure out what that scrawny woman has done to her ex-husband this time. The oboe looks at me for an answer. I don't know why this is happening, so we go to a commercial.
There is a preview of this week's Get Real and Mitch looks just too happy about holding his daughter in an embrace. Man, that show is getting creepy.
John is on his cell phone talking to Richard who is standing at John's feet, but has his back turned to him. He's explaining that they have to go through security measures to make sure the cables don't break in the elevator and cut John in half. Ling interrupts to say that she has a meeting scheduled at two. "Is that thing going to be working?" Richard asks if she could show some compassion. "For me?" Ling asks, confused. Nelle asks how John is doing. Richard says he's surly. Nelle takes the phone away from him and says to John, "Hi." "Nice of you to drop by, Nelle, and show your concern," John says. Nelle says she knows it's not the best time but she thinks that they aren't working out and that they should start seeing other people. There is a moment of silence on the other line while Nelle calls his name. Then we hear a nose whistle. She explains "nose whistle" offhandedly to Ling and the shocked Richard. "You're breaking up with me?" John asks. "Yes," Nelle says, as if she's already incredibly busy. John asks if they could discuss it. Nelle says that she's already made up her mind: "No need to leave you dangling, pardon the pun!" John Porky Pigs as Nelle explains that she "adores" him, but that it's not right for the two of them and that they'll talk more when he gets out. Richard is amazed. Ling seems proud.
“ ''Bout time you sprung into action,' Naked Angela wiggles, adding, 'Big Boy.' 'Big Boy'? Who says that? ”
Back at What's Love Got To Do With It, Angela explains that she never misrepresented herself to Religious McBadhusband. Billy asks whether she was misrepresenting herself physically. She says that everybody tries to make themselves look better or younger. She just chooses a facial peel instead of moisturizer. Ally makes a gross-sneer. "So I had implants instead of a WonderBra," Angela continues, and Ally suddenly looks guilty. She said she didn't know Religious McBadhusband was such an "imbecile." She continues with, "But in marriage, you take people for what they are, not sue them for what they're not." She says that after making love to Religious McBadhusband she has a claim herself. She makes an inch sign with her fingers and says, "Teeny." The Judge looks uncomfortable, and Ally looks like she's fantasizing about Car Wash Guy.
The cross-examination brings up all of the herbal drugs Angela takes. He goes through a list until Billy shouts an objection for badgering. "'Bout time you sprung into action," Naked Angela wiggles, adding, "Big Boy." "Big Boy"? Who says that? Billy stands with his mouth open. Big Boy?
Richard tells Nelle that he's so outraged he's thinking about firing her. She brings up the fact that it's not really legal for him to do so. As she goes on about how she had to break up with John and maybe she was a bit cruel, her shoes start pumping up and down. She snarls that he still has his clicker. She says that Ling told her the best time to break up with a man was when he was in a crisis. Richard says that she is handling this badly. Nelle reminds Richard that John doesn't even like her: "He likes my hair, maybe." She says that John thinks she's a big snot bitch. "He finds it repugnant that I would never date a janitor." And she thinks he's "weird." She then goes on (and on and on and on) about the "funny-looking people he represented" and how he identified with them and she doesn't and how he invited them to dinner and how she couldn't even eat when they were around: "I've tried to be tolerant, but it's one damn thing after another!" Everyone is staring now. Richard leans in and says that he thinks she should discuss it with John. Nelle continues her body-jerks and head-flips and says that she can't because today he "managed to get himself wedged into an elevator." Elaine walks up as Nelle walks off and says that John should be out within an hour. Thanks for the continuity update, Elaine.