Previously on Ally McBeal: The freaks lost their lawsuit against Mr. Schoefield and Billy was a gigantic ass.
John is walking around his office barefoot, muttering to himself with his trousers rolled up, but he's not eating any peaches. Meanwhile, Matthew the cross-dresser from the last new episode, is walking around looking for him. John opens his door, sees Matthew, and screams. Matthew screams. Scream, scream. Then they yell accusatorily at each other until the cross-dresser calls John a little bug. John does his smile therapy quirk. Matthew apologizes and then cuts to the chase: Mr. Schoefield was stabbed to death in his bed, and Paul Potts is the prime suspect. Y'all will remember that Paul is the guy with OCD who couldn't stop clapping in the last ep. I'm so glad they're bringing him back, because I just didn't get enough of the "freaks" the last time.
John and the Matthew visit Paul in his jail cell. Through much verbal-ticking, Paul relates that he's innocent and that he was at the movies with Benny at the time of the murder. You will remember that Benny is the freak who wore a bow tie and whose face allegedly scared children. John agrees to help Paul and looks fraught. Cut to opening credits.
Return to Me, starring Minnie Driver and David Duchovny, looks lame.
Back at Fish & Cage, Richard is begging John to let him work on Paul's case. He always wanted to do a murder case. John starts stuttering. Ally runs into the room and falls down in her hurry to beg to work on the murder case. Calista Flockhart can't refrain from smirking during this scene. Matthew is standing there watching all of this. Ally asks if he's the suspect. Matthew is offended and Ally snarls at him. I guess John charges extra-low fees, because otherwise, I can't see why any client would put up with this sort of treatment. John says that Richard will be second chair and Ally will be third. They bicker about that as unprofessionally as possible. Billy emerges from his office and hallucinates that Matthew is Roshumba Williams in an ill-fitting sundress. The yelling lawyers run off and Billy approaches Roshumba as angelic synthetic music plays. "Excuse me," he says. "Yeah?" rejoins Roshumba, heaving her bosom. Billy introduces himself and asks if anyone's ever told Roshumba/Matthew that she's the most beautiful woman in the world. Roshumba laughs and says in Matthew's voice, "I get it every now and again." Then she becomes Matthew again, to Billy's horror. "You got anything else you wanna say to me?" loud-talks Matt. Billy runs off into an office. He leans against the closed door and gasps for breath. Nelle asks what he's doing. "Nelle, why are you in my..." Billy starts to ask. Then he realizes that he's in her office. Nelle makes "whatever" faces at him while he mumbles and leaves. Hmm. I wonder if there's anything wrong with Billy. He's acting very strange. I hope he's not getting killed off this season with a brain tumor or anything. Oh, wait...actually, I don't hope that at all.
A bailiff brings Paul Potts into the courtroom for his arraignment. Richard jumps up and moves for "an immediate acquittal, plus cost." He's addressing this to Judge Seymore Walsh, the one who hates Richard's guts. It's a good thing I'm not a lawyer, because I'd be so confused. I would have imagined that there are more judges in Boston, and that there are law professionals who specialize in civil cases and never mess with criminal ones. It just goes to show how much a person can learn from Ally McBeal. John jumps up and pleads not guilty. Paul repeats, "Guilty, guilty, guilty." John reminds Judge W that Paul has OCD, which causes him to repeat words. "But it's never made him kill!" bellows Richard. John moves for a probable-cause hearing. Guess what time Judge W sets it for. That's right! Two o'clock!
Benny and Mindy -- The Woman Who Was Too Fat to Work for Mr. Schoefield -- get off the firm elevator and ask Ling whether John is there. "He's in court, defending the mental one," says she, in her Bedazzled-snakeskin-looking black top. Nelle walks up in her fur collar. Ling tells her, "The funny-looking people are back." Nelle looks aghast. Benny and Mindy grimace mildly as if they've lost all dignity and don't even expect common courtesy anymore. Matthew appears across the room and runs up, telling Benny that Paul's been accused of murdering Schoefield. Then Matt says hi to Ling and Nelle, who are shocked and grossed-out. Nelle says something about a meeting and the two of them peel out. Ling says something I don't understand. It sounded like, "Is it hot?" Nelle says never mind. In walks Billy. He thinks Matthew is Roshumba Williams again. He says (to himself, apparently,) "I'm sorry, call me a hound dog but that..." Then he grabs Roshumba/Matt by the arm, saying he needs to speak to her for a second. "I know you must be hit on ten times a day. Am I right?" Billy rico-suaves. "Minimum," says John sarcastically. "At the risk of offending..." continues Billy. Matthew isn't having it: "Look, buddy, I'm about to break your face," says he. Billy gapes, seeing Matthew and not a supermodel. (Although I think that Matthew should be a supermodel.) Sandy walks up, politely excuses herself to Matthew, and hauls Billy away. Billy tells her that he hallucinated that the beautiful woman turned into a transvestite. Sandy says that he is a transvestite. Maybe I'm just ignorant, but it seems to me that if Matthew were an actual transvestite instead of only a cross-dresser, he'd lose the facial hair. Sandy adds, "And, man or woman, what the hell are you doing hitting on him or her?" That would be a good question if we knew for sure that anybody gave a damn. John and Richard emerge from the elevator. The three freaks accost them. John says that Paul's been accused of the murder, but that blah blah and Mrs. Schoefield will be called to the stand. "She did it!" Mindy says with a glint in her eye, because "it's always the wife." Ha, ha, fat chicks just read mysteries and eat bon bons all day! It's ascertained that Benny was not actually at the movies with Paul the night before. The sad oboe plays.
On the street, John and Richard discuss the case. Richard wonders if they can have Paul declared a "legal retard." John doesn't think Paul did it. They go to see Paul in some room at the courthouse. John seats himself and annoyingly pours water, then asked why Paul lied about going to the movies with Benny. Paul starts to speak, but Richard yells, "LIAR!" in his face, causing Paul to start with his verbal tics. Ha, ha. Making fun of people's disorders over and over again is so freaking hilarious. Paul was actually at home at the time of the murder, and he was afraid because he didn't have an alibi, so he lied. Richard badgers him some more. John becomes fraught and accidentally yells, "liar" instead of "quiet." Paul does his facial tics. He seems to do this way more often than when we saw him last. I want to know who wrote David E. Kelley and told him this crap was funny so that I can find that person and kick him in the stomach.
Billy's pacing his office. Sandy walks in and asks what's with him. She suggests that he's nervous over some meeting. They kiss. Suddenly, Sandy is Nelle. Nelle shoves Billy away and asks if he's nuts. Billy stammers. We hear someone say, "Marry me!" and then someone else says, "Divorce me!" Billy turns and sees little Claymation-looking CGI versions of Ally and Georgia yelling at him on his desk. I am completely disgusted. This isn't cute or funny. They don't even look like Ally or Georgia. The Ally one's wearing plaid pants, though. The Georgia figurine lunges onto Billy's face and bites his nose. He screams. Nelle trips out. Billy says that he thinks he should see a doctor. Sad guitar.
Martha Stewart shills for Kmart. Her voice unnerves me. What is she, a baritone or a bass?
Ally and the freaks join Richard and John on the courthouse steps. "He did it," Richard says. John explains that Paul has no alibi and that it doesn't look good. They go in to proceed with the probable cause hearing and "see what the evidence is." Why don't they already know what the evidence is? Man, I would never want these people to represent me. No wonder they're all dressing crappier than ever this season: They've had to cut back on the billable hours.
Nelle's strutting towards Billy's office. Sandy waylays her, saying that Billy doesn't want any visitors. Nelle gets bitchy wit' it. "Sandy, isn't it? Sandy, I'm not sure what the proper protocol is for secretaries; I've never been one. But I doubt it calls for referring to the lawyers who actually work in the firm as 'visitors.' Or hadn't you noticed I work here?" Sandy's noticed. Nelle goes into the office, telling Billy that his kiss was so good that she came back for more. Billy apologizes. Nelle refers him to "an extraordinary neurologist" who happens to be a friend of hers. She's already made an appointment for him. Billy can't go because he has a meeting with Mr. Howland. Nelle says she'll cover the meeting for him. Billy protests that Howland is his biggest client. Nelle points out that if he goes to the meeting in the state he's in, he'll lose his client. She smiles wickedly and Billy looks sad. I guess David E. Kelley hasn't gotten enough hate mail about the blonde bitches to gratify his selective misogyny, so he had to make Nelle even more two-dimensional.
Mrs. Schoefield is on the witness stand telling everyone about the "nice, hot" shower she was allegedly taking while her husband was killed. We get to see her in said shower. Ally imagines herself in the shower. Ugh. If I have to see Ally wet one more time this season...The scene's in black and white and Ally's hair looks the same as it does in the courtroom. They give us a close-up of that protruding bone at the tip of Ally's nose. SHRIEK! Oops...sorry. DEK couldn't even spring for a decent-looking shower curtain. Mrs. Schoefield gets to the part of the story where "suddenly the curtain was pulled back." Ally imagines a hooded person wielding a knife, complete with Psycho-rip-off music, and screams her head off right there in the court. Nelle, can your neurologist friend fit in another appointment today? We get roughly three thousand reaction shots and Ally apologizes. I tell you, every single time she screams to get attention, I laugh harder and harder. There's nothing cuter than a self-centered woman who thinks she's funny and can't stand for others to be in the limelight, is there? Mrs. Schoefield claims that the masked intruder ran away. She allegedly called 911 and then found her dead husband. She claims she heard someone run down the stairs and clap four times. She feels it necessary to illustrate with "four crisp claps" of her own. Paul immediately mimics her, and everyone listens to the oboe play that song "He Must Have Done It, He's Obviously Retarded."
In one of those courthouse side rooms, Benny and Ally explain to Paul that he didn't make bail and will have to stay in jail. Paul is all confused, asking when they'll hear the verdict. Ally cocks her head to the side and makes a face that is supposed to be sympathetic. It comes off more like, "I wonder if he's available."
Paul's defense team and the free freaks are walking down the sidewalk. Matthew asks John why he didn't cross-examine. John says he didn't want to give the prosecution any clues about where they were going with their defense. Don't worry, John...I think they could see that you're going nowhere. Matthew inexplicably compliments Ally's scream. Benny expresses concern over Benny's having to remain in jail. Richard wonders who else would have done it. Mindy thinks it was Mrs. Schoefield. She reveals that there was talk that Mr. Schoefield was having an affair. The word "affair" echoes ridiculously. Hey, Mindy, way to wait until the last minute with the crucial information, there. Hey, John, way to be the crappiest lawyer I've ever seen. Somebody call Ben Matlock. He'd have it all sewn up in thirty minutes.
I used to always defend Old Navy's commercials, but that's gonna stop now that they have Lisa Ling in one. Gack.
The lameness of this episode is killing me. Wing, can I just recap all the commercials instead? ["Dude, watch Dawson's Creek sometime and then we'll talk." -- Wing Chun] Sigh! Must...try...to slog...through it...
Mindy has a tête-à-têtes with John and Richard in some office. She tells him rumor had it that Mr. Schoefield planned to leave his wife for a co-worker named Nancy Raleigh-Sicklen. Paul Potts saw the two of them having discussions behind closed doors and it upset him. Richard asks if Paul was upset enough to pick up a knife. The lawyers decide they need to find Nancy.
Nancy R-S is at her front door, begging John, Richard, Mindy, and Matthew to leave her out of the case. I guess Mindy and Matthew are third and fourth chair now. John says he needs Nancy to come to court with them. I guess there was no time to issue a subpoena, like a normal lawyer would do in a normal case. Nancy says, "Oh, God!" several times, prompting Richard to make a stupid remark about what she says during sex. Mindy knocks Richard off the stoop. Nancy frets that she's "going to be sullied."
Nelle enters the conference room and introduces herself to Mr. Howland. She throws him a line of bull about Billy's being taken off the case. She disses the Billy Girls, working in the word "genitalia." Then she intimates that Billy has a mental imbalance. I wonder if Nelle's wearing striped stockings and ruby slippers.
Billy tells Lisa Pontell, Extraordinary Neurologist, about his hallucinations and his recent erratic behavior. He says he gets funny tastes in his mouth. The doctor becomes Georgia and asks if he means the taste of his own foot. Billy rolls with the hallucination, though. I guess he's taking a page from Ally's book. Dr. Pontell would like to run a few tests. I bet she wants to do them at two o'clock.
Nelle tells Sandy to send the Howland file to her office. Elaine hears this and says to herself, "She's up to something." Sandy looks concerned. Dang, Elaine, you shouldn't have even come in for that. You should have called Sandy's desk and said that line over the phone.
Paul, Paul's defense team, Paul's friends, and all their brothers and dogs are in an office discussing the case. Paul's wearing business attire, even though earlier he had on the orange jumpsuit and everyone was talking about how he couldn't get out on bail. John asks him what he knows about Mr. Schoefield and Nancy R-S. Paul doesn't want to say anything and get Nancy in trouble. They get him to admit that Nancy said there was a problem, but that Nancy didn't tell him what it was. The oboe plays and everyone looks worried. I think they're realizing that this show doesn't have enough plot to last an hour and that they'll have to do at least two more pointless scenes like this one before it's over.
John questions Mrs. Schoefield in court some more. She doesn't have any reason to believe Paul was the killer, other than the clapping. She suggests that Paul's motive was the fact that he got fired. She doesn't know of anyone else who'd want to kill her husband. I guess the other people who were fired along with Paul can't be suspects because their defects aren't as suspicious as Paul's. John does the old "Can you tell the court who that woman sitting over THERE is" routine. He points to Nancy R-S, but Mrs. Schoefield acts like he means her cleaning lady, who's sitting in front of Nancy. Mrs. Schoefield acts like she doesn't know Nancy's name; John points out that the cleaning lady heard her say Nancy's name. It's ascertained that Mr. And Mrs. Schoefield fought over Nancy. John describes his version of the murder scene. Ally imagines it vividly and screams again. Ugh. I know why they did it the first time -- so the Calistaphiles out there could see her in the shower. I don't understand why we have to go through it again. You know what I'm going to do when I finish this recap? I'm going to put in my Diablo CD, name a character "Ally," and let the skeletons and demons kill it. The prosecuting attorney jumps up and says, "This is outrageous!" I wish I could agree, because then it'd be easier to stay awake. John rants for a while. The prosecutor says that they have other evidence -- a pen on the scene with Paul's fingerprints. Judge Walsh finds probable cause to exist and declares Paul bound over for trial. Nose whistles abound.
Ally sits at the table in one of the many, many little courthouse rooms and wants to know how his pen got in the Schoefields' place. Perry Mason pops her across the head with a rolled-up newspaper and says, "It was put there by the person who framed him, dumb-ass!" Oh, wait...Okay, Paul doesn't know. Ally acts all sympathetic, and Paul acts like he's retarded instead of just suffering from OCD. He opines that Mrs. Schoefield thinks he's the murderer because he's just a freak. They blather more and Paul asks if he's going to stay in jail forever. Ally's either shed a tear, or else she spilled some glycerin into one of the hollows under her eyes.
Ally, John, and Richard have a late meeting about the case. Gawd. Can we please watch Billy fall down the stairs or something? Ally hypothesizes that Nancy R-S was the murderer. That's all well and good, but then Ally suggests that she wear a wire, go to Nancy's house, and try to get her to admit that she killed Schoefield. What the hell ever. This is beyond ludicrous. It's not even over-the-top. It's just plain dumb. Ally blabs about how good she is at getting people to spill their stories of woe. "I show you mine, you show me yours," she says for no other reason that to set up a line from Richard about his penis. Ally goes into an unnecessary story about a boy who stole pencils in her sixth-grade class. Ally admits that her plot sounds ridiculous, but they have nothing to lose. John says she could lose her life, if Nancy's really the killer. Oh, okay. So THAT'S why they left Ally alone with Paul...Ally says that John and Richard will listen outside. Her nose whistles. John's does, too. I think Ally's does again, but I'm not sure because I ran to the kitchen and stabbed myself in the eye with a shrimp fork. My therapist said I can go ahead and finish this recap, and then I need to get out of the house for a while. I asked if I should start smoking crack to ease the pain, but she said no.
After watching forty-five minutes of a show so oriented to women, I'm in the right frame of mind to watch commercials that will convince me to run out and buy shampoo and lingerie. I'm a feminist! I'm a modern woman! I must be prettier than anyone else so I can catch a non-bisexual husband! There's also a commercial for fast food. That's for when I realize that I'm just a bitch and a penis receptacle and there's no use doing anything but eating and puking. I hope DEK makes enough money to buy himself a nice, new wife.
Elaine ushers Mindy, Matthew, and Benny into an office, telling them that "They're working on it." Paul's friends wait on a couch.
Ally walks down the sidewalk murmuring "one, two, three, testing" into her bosom. Um...her collar, I mean. John and Richard are driving along with sunglasses and baseball caps on. Ally suggests that they be less conspicuous, since they're holding up traffic. They pull over. Ally rings Nancy's doorbell and introduces herself as Paul's lawyer. Nancy remembers that she's the one who screamed. She tries to slam the door in Ally's face, but Ally says some junk about caring about Paul. "Gimme a second," Nancy says, closing the door. "She's ditching the knife," guesses Richard. John sneers at him. Richard says he's just trying to go with it. John accidentally leans on the car horn. Hilarious hijinks abound. I'm glad the Fish & Cage gang can have so much fun at some mental guy's expense. Nancy lets Ally in and apologizes about Paul. Ally removes her winter-white coat, revealing a frightening zebra-print blouse. She says she thinks Paul's innocent. Nancy asks what Ally wanted to talk about. John tells Ally on the little microphone to be sure to look around. Richard snipes at John and they somehow cause really loud feedback in Ally's earphone. Ally puts her hand to her head, telling Nancy she has a "my-my-migraine." "In your ear?" asks astute Nancy. Ally doesn't know if Nancy loved Joel Schoefield, but something tells her Nancy did. Nancy makes a grossed-out face and asks what business it is of Ally's. "Well, there was a man I once loved..." starts Ally. WHO CARES?
Cut to Billy preparing to undergo a CAT scan. He imagines that the nurse is Georgia.
"His name was Billy. We were soulmates..." Richard mocks Ally as they listen to her tripe. What's with the past-tense? He's not dead yet. Nancy interrupts and asks why Ally's telling her this. It's because Ally doesn't believe that Paul killed Joel, and "if he didn't, maybe Deborah did." (Deborah is the Widow Schoefield.) Ally blathers about Deborah's being motivated by the thought of losing Joel. "But she wasn't losing Joel," says Nancy. "Were you losing him, Nancy?" asks Ally. "What are you asking, Ms. McBeal? Did I kill him?" freaks Nancy. Richard remarks that she catches on quickly. John shushes him. Ally says she can recognize hurt in others, and that she sees it in Nancy. Nancy gets pissed. "You're actually in my house, accusing me of murder?" she says. Ally says that she's trying to save Paul. Richard opens a newspaper and causes more feedback. Ally tugs at her ear and says that Nancy could have easily planted Paul's pen on the scene. They argue a bit more. Nancy asks "why on earth" Ally would be alone with a woman she thought was a killer. Yeah, maybe she should call the Army and evacuate the neighborhood, right? Nancy hears the noise from Ally's wire. Nancy starts to say that she cared very much for Joel. Then she tells Ally to leave. Ally asks to use the bathroom. Nancy asks if she plans to look around and discover the murder weapon. "Get out!" she says. Ally pouts that she was just trying to help Paul. "Oh, well in that case, let me be sure to confess," Nancy sneers. Ally pauses, noticing a closed door. She flashes back to Nancy saying "Gimme a second." She says she left her purse on the couch. Nancy goes to retrieve it and Ally opens the closed door. The Psycho-esque music plays as we see Deborah hiding in the closet. What, she couldn't just go into the bedroom and close the door? Ally screams, double takes, and mumbles, "You and Nancy...together?" Hey, did you say your name was Ally McBeal, or Jessica Fletcher? "Lesbians!" says Richard. "Quick, call 911!" says John. They become tangled in the wire. ["Gee, I liked this plot twist a lot better when it was on Law & Order about a month ago. Coincidentally, that's also when it wasn't totally offensive and hackneyed." -- Wing Chun] Deborah tries to make up an excuse about coming by to pick up some of her husband's things. Ally puts all the pieces together Scooby Doo-style. Deborah tells Ally to sit down and have some coffee with them. Eerie music plays. Ally pitifully threatens that she knows karate. "What are you gonna do, hit me?" asks Deb. Of course she is. She does. Ally runs to the door and the Richard is there yelling "FBI! Freeze!" John and the cops are with him. I'm so sure.
Ling goes into Nelle's office to tell her that Paul will be cleared. She also says that "the tubby one in the dress" hit on her. Nelle thought that, deep down, Matthew was a woman. "Well, deeper than that, there's a dumbstick," says Ling. Throughout this exchange, Nelle's too rude to quit typing on her laptop. Ling asks what she's up to. She says that Nelle has the Howland file, as well as the "Skinner file" which she "poached" from Richard. Nelle asks if Richard knows that she poached it. No, but Ling does. Again, Ling asks what Nelle's up to. She gets Nelle to say that "this place needs a few changes" and that she "need[s] power to make them." They smile conspiratorially. It's too bad they're just plain beautiful women and not adorably quirky like Ally, because then they wouldn't be evil, conniving whores.
Judge Walsh scolds Ally for "going undercover." She reveals that John and Richard are being detained because they fraudulently represented themselves as FBI agents. "You say you found killer lesbians," says the judge. "One was in the closet," Ally quips. Where's the rim shot? Gimme that rim shot, here! The prosecutor, Benny, and Paul are also in the room. The prosecutor recommends that the charges be dropped. "Dropped! Dropped!" says Paul. "Quiet! I don't like my courtroom being made into a mockery!" says Judge Walsh. "Nobody is making it into a mockery!" says Ally. I think she was supposed to be mocking the judge's accent, but I couldn't be sure because I didn't care enough. Judge Walsh tells her she and her associates caused a mockery to occur with their undercover work. He dismisses Paul without prejudice. The prosecutor apologizes to Paul. Paul hugs Ally. Ew.
It's night and Georgia's in her office. Billy walks in because he just happened to be walking by and he saw her lights on. She smiles. He smiles. "I have a brain tumor," he says. Georgia's teeth protrude. Fade to black.
week: His co-workers joke about Billy's tumor and Ally asks him if he's going to die.